Perception (Part Two)

In Friday’s post we began to look at the role that Perception plays in our lives and towards the end of the article the question was asked “How do people perceive you?”

Here’s the last paragraph from Friday:

Do we really want to know how others see us? Yes we do. And if you don’t, you should. For a range of reasons. On Monday I’m going to tell you why not knowing how others perceive you puts you at a disadvantage, both professionally and personally. In life, in love and in business. And no, I’m definitely not saying that we should be obsessed with, or worried about how people see us. What I am saying is that most of us could do with a little more awareness and a little more understanding of how those around us see the world and everything in it. Including us.

A Scary Thought

The idea of knowing how people perceive us can be a scary thought, can’t it? On the one hand we’re curious to know what they think of us, but at the same time we don’t really want our feelings hurt or our already-fragile self esteem to take a further battering. Our curiosity and our propensity to self-protect intersect. But in truth it shouldn’t be about either of those things (curiosity or self-protection), it should really be about increasing our understanding, knowledge and awareness of human behaviour, communication, connection and beginning to learn how the people in our world (friends, family, colleagues, acquaintances) are wired.

Even the Chick on the Third Floor

Like it or not, every person that you and I interact with on some level – every person, every conversation, every situation, every day – has an opinion of you. Even the guy who sells you your paper and that chick on the third floor who you’ve never even spoken to. Big or small, accurate or not, good or bad, informed or ignorant, they all have an opinion and everyone in your world sees you in a certain way because consciously or not, you are constantly sending messages to those around you. Even when you’re not speaking, you’re telling those around you something about you. Keeping in mind that over ninety percent of communication is non-verbal, it’s easy to understand how we’re constantly ‘speaking’ to those around us without uttering a single word or even being aware of it. It’s simple; to be more effective, we need to be more aware of what we’re saying (and not saying) to the people we come into contact with. Interestingly, the messages we think we’re sending are often quite completely different to what the majority are perceiving. And therein lies the challenge and the lesson Grasshoppers.

Worry Not

When I discuss this subject, I often get strong reactions from people who assert that “we shouldn’t worry about what others think of us”. Well, I totally agree with you; we shouldn’t worry (as such) but we should at the very least, have an awareness of how we are perceived by others. And not coming from a place of insecurity or some kind of need to be popular or liked, but for the purpose of being able to create and develop more effective, meaningful and rewarding relationships in all areas of our lives.

Communication

We know that on an interpersonal level, communication is our most important life skill. If we can’t communicate effectively with others (in our private and professional lives) then we can’t create that deep level of understanding and connection that brings us happiness, fulfilment and harmony. In fact, we’re more likely to create misunderstanding and disconnection because we’re constantly offending people, misreading situations and conversations and communicating inappropriately for that person, that situation and/or that conversation.

Am not, You are.

If you’re a teacher and the majority of your students consider you to be arrogant, then (1) you might wanna be aware of that and (2) you might wanna change your approach and your communication style. No, it’s not about compromising your message, your standards or being a people pleaser, it’s about understanding both sides of the communication process. After all, your students don’t live in your head and they don’t necessarily understand your intentions. Is it possible for you to be perceived as being arrogant without actually being so or realising that’s how people see you? Yep. And in this situation (as a teacher) you will need to learn, adapt, modify your style, increase your awareness and possibly get some humility… or sink. Or perhaps find a job where effective communication ain’t so high on the must-have list.

When Perception is Reality

If you’ve got teenage kids whose perception (rightly or wrongly) is that you’re too busy for them and that you care more about yourself than you do them (and you happen to be unaware of what they’re thinking and feeling), then you’re in trouble. Keeping in mind that their reality is in their head, their belief (about you not caring) is completely real. For them. Whether or not it’s our kids, our colleagues, our friends or the weird guy who lives over the fence, we need to learn to speak other people’s language and get a glimpse of (or insight into) their reality, if we want to have meaningful and productive communication with them . The question we need to ask ourselves is:

“How do I need to speak with this person (there’s no generic approach), in this situation, at this point in time, to create meaningful connection, real understanding and to produce the best possible outcome for both parties?”

Yes, it all sounds a little strategic, that’s okay; strategy is always better than ignorance or stumbling along in the dark. The truth is that in many situations and circumstances the majority of us have no idea of how people perceive us. We think we do, but in reality, we don’t. How could we, we’re not mind readers. We don’t live in their head, we live in ours but in some ways, we need to get a glimpse of what it’s like in their mind. You’ve never had a face-to-face conversation with you, have you? Sure, you have those internal dialogues but (naturally) you see everything through your eyes.

So how can we become more aware of how we’re perceived by others?

1. Listen more than you speak. Some people simply love the sound of their own voice. They don’t talk with people, they talk at them. They don’t have conversations, they give lectures. They don’t really want connection, mutual understanding or to listen to others, they want an audience and some attention. A soapbox. These people are highly unaware. Often deluded. Egotistical. Insecure. The only person who doesn’t know how annoying and self-absorbed they are, is them. “But enough about me, what do you think of me?”

2. Watch people. Consciously become more aware of people’s body language, their typical behaviours, habits and reactions and their non-verbal communication. What people do will tell you far more (about them) than what they say. Become more attuned to how they behave, react and communicate around you. Start to look at old things (friendships, situations, your marriage, business relationships) in a new way (put on some different glasses) and you’ll be surprised at what you learn. Most of us don’t see things, not because they’re not there to be seen, but because we simply don’t look for them or have that level of awareness. It’s like when you buy a new car and all of a sudden you see a million cars exactly like yours on the road. Yesterday you saw none, today a million. The only difference being that today you are infinitely more aware. Your perception has changed. You’re the same… but different. You’re driving on the same roads, in the same traffic (essentially) as you do every day, but instantly something has changed; your eyes have been opened to something you couldn’t or wouldn’t see yesterday. The lessons, the signs and the indicators are all there… but only if you want to see them. Of course we do this with our relationships and interaction with others; we see (1) what we want to see and (2) what we’ve been programmed to see over time.

3. Ask for feedback. If people feel safe and comfortable to give you feedback, they will. The trick is making them feel that way. Be open to that feedback and you’ll see things change for the better quickly. It’s easier said than done but do your best to avoid being defensive and precious. It is what it is. If they think it, they think it. Hear it, consider it and move on. By the way, hearing it doesn’t mean you need to agree with them. No, it just means that now you know how they think and feel. It certainly can save a lot of time, energy, problem-solving, guess-work and heart-ache if they will just tell us (honestly) what they think. Knowing how and what people think puts you in a better position to be able to communicate more effectively, openly and honestly and to create healthy relationships over the long haul because it means the conversations and relationships are not based on assumptions, misinformation or some kind of pseudo-connection. Sure, it’s not always an easy or comfortable process (to be so real and honest) but it’s well worth the effort.

I’m not done with this subject just yet, but that will do for now.
Thanks for all my birthday wishes. And yes, I ate cheesecake. It was good.

See you on the morrow x

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