But First, a Brief Commercial
Hi Kids. Before we get under way… just a quick note for my Victorian readers to let you know that next Thursday (Mar. 24) I’m doing an open-to-the-public gig in Caroline Springs at ‘The Club’. It’s an abbreviated (one-hour) version of my Renovate Your Life Workshop. I’ll be doing my best to motivate, educate and offend as many people as possible. I may even wear some flannel. To find out more or to make a booking, call 8390 2445. Or, you can check out The Club website.
Getting Walked On
Ever feel like a human doormat? Like people walk all over you? Take advantage of you? Use, abuse and manipulate you? Intimidate and mistreat you? Well, today in Melbourne there’s a story doing the rounds in the media (with accompanying video footage) about a chubby kid who was picked on (punched, taunted, abused) by some other kids. Rightly or wrongly, after significant abuse and provocation the chubby kid retaliated with a little physicality of his own.
Now, I’m not condoning violence (at all) but I think it’s fair to say that the instigators of the bullying situation might have second thoughts next time they feel compelled to pick on somebody. The story pushed a button in this ex-fat kid as I had similar experiences when I was young (although, not while at school). Before you take a peek at the video (many of you will have already seen it on TV), I will warn you that, even though they’re young kids, it’s quite violent. So, give it a miss if you think it might upset you. You can watch the brief video (51 secs) here.
Types of Bullying
It might surprise some of you to learn that the majority of bullying is not the physical or violent kind. No, most of it is mental and emotional in nature. Much of it is subtle, cunning and strategic. Most of it plays on the fears and insecurities of others. Bullying is always about the bully trying to create some kind of advantage, leverage, control or power in a situation or relationship. It might also surprise you to know that most bullies don’t consider themselves to be bullies.
How’s that for (lack of) awareness?
The Tipping Point
When I was a young gym instructor, I worked with an older guy who – for reasons known only to himself – felt compelled to make my life hard and to give me shit on a daily basis. I had never been anything but friendly, accommodating, respectful and polite to him. From my first day on the job, he didn’t like me and made it very obvious. For months I put up with his sarcasm, criticism, intimidation and massive ego. One day, after biting my tongue for far too long, I followed him into an office, closed the door and told him what I thought of his behaviour, his attitude and him as a person. I had been raised to be respectful but I think he had confused my respect and manners for weakness.
I did not yell, threaten him or touch him but I did tell him clearly that I would no longer tolerate his crap. I told him it was unacceptable and if he continued with his bullshit I would take the matter further. To be totally honest, in that moment I had no idea what “taking the matter further” meant but I thought it sounded good. 
I had no real plan beyond that conversation and I was totally making it up as I went. Lots of enthusiasm, no plan. Nonetheless, it worked. The dynamics of that relationship changed dramatically and instantly. He was never rude to me again.
I wondered why I had waited so long.
It Happens to All of Us
Like most of you, there have been many times in my life when I’ve been bullied, coerced, manipulated and even threatened. In my mid-twenties I worked for a few years (part time, at night) in some of Melbourne’s less-than-glamorous establishments as a crowd control technician. 
It’s fair to say that I encountered a few more bullies there.
Naturally, there’s no universal solution when it comes to this issue because every situation varies. Of course there’s no single ‘best’ way to deal with bullies but I can definitely tell you that the answer is not to do nothing. I can’t tell you exactly where to start or what to do specifically (as I don’t know your situation) but I can share with you one of my fave quotes from big Ed:
“All that’s necessary for evil to triumph is for good men (women) to do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)
So my friends, do something.
You might surprise yourself.
* Don’t forget my new kid’s book (The Angry Ant) is out now! Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and get my FREE Ebook!
{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
Easier said than done at times my friend
I have seen the video on Facebook because someone shared it. I didn’t listen on what they were saying but just watching their actions. I thought the fat kid was the bully but it is funny that the little kid was the one who bullied the fat kid. I know it is kind of violent but that little kid deserved it. That guy is so little and he has the guts to fight with the large kid. Sorry for stating the “fat” kid, I should say large.
My first thought seeing the video was f*cking serve you right you little b*stard. And good for you, the “fat” kid who’ll likely grow up to be a big sexy guy, not a skinny little runt. My second thought was, that’s an appalling thing to think, violence (or bullying) is wrong under ANY circumstances. Then the questions kicked in ( – what about situations where violence is justified? Or consensual BDSM? When’s it OK to behave obnoxiously? Why mock fat? None of which I know the answer to). But I must admit my first reaction surprised myself, both content and strength of feeling, evidently I’m more aggressive than I thought!
What would be your advice for dealing with online bullying/nastiness Craig? I’ve always been told the best thing to do is delete the offending comments and not retaliate, but it has been horrible when the comments have been very personal and nasty. People say “don’t stoop to their level” but sometimes turning the other cheek is very hard. What are your suggestions? Many thanks
Yep….a 51 sec vid is we need to pass judgement! Who was the bully here? was the big kid ( Casey) just snapping after years of torment or was the little kid (?) finally stepping up to a bully? As I have mentioned on other posts, Kids of Dunheved High School, send ALL your vids ( we KNOW theres more) so the public can have the REAL version. At the end of the day… whatever makes a kid snap like that, is serious. But we need to consider WHO snapped? was it the little kid? with mates behind him fronting up to a bully? Or was it Casey… the alledged victim of years of abuse? Its a technological age we live in and I refuse to believe this this is the ONLY video of Casey as either the victim or antagonist. Send the evidence kiddies… lets see the truth!
Bullies seem to like easy targets. Once that kid stood up an fought back, the bullying (at least from that miscreant) likely ceased. Hopefully word got around to any other tormentors that he will fight back.
I’ve tackled people a few times but I have to be so totally pissed off before I do it that I shake very visibly while I speak – and afterwards. It really doesn’t help. I look like a fool and I feel like a fool and I guess it shows weakness in a whole new way. What do I do? Other than sort people out all the time until I get used to it (and then I’d be the bully!) I’m out of ideas.
Thank you so much for your articles, I’m finding them so inspiring and sensible. And in reference to yesterday’s post, I love all of the pics that you’ve had with each one.
I was surprised such a skinny, little kid was picking on someone who was that much bigger than he was. I don’t normally condone voilence, but good for the “chubby kid” for refusing to take that kind of abuse!
Also, I’ve noticed that most bullies will take it elsewhere if you resist. Or in Craig’s words, “Don’t take any of their shit.” They usually look for the weakest possible victim and if you refuse to be weak, then you are not near as attractive as a victim to them.
Hi Craig,
you are absolutly right.
And you are a very strong person.
The situation, I tell my people directly about behaving shit with me,
their behavior automaticly change.
Some people need to be restricted (they only understand it this way) – for the sake of yourself and the other you take care of.
Love your posts.
Yep….I’m gunning for the provoked kid (nearly called him the fat kid!) I don’t condone violence but the little kid really did need a dose of “something!” Maybe in a few more years the big kid would have had the right words to use against such a little dweeb that would have cut him off at the knees but the little kid would still have needed the intelligence to understand. Bit of a no win situation. Maybe it’s part of growing up… not reacting in the moment..but that’s even still hard at 50!
Thanks Craig,
Put simply in no crap, no bs terminology…..If you believe in yourself, stand up for yourself. The word “belief” is the key.
Be good to yourself
David
Hi Craig,
Your post really resonated with me today, as I am in the middle of trying to decide what to do about a very old friend who has been subtly bullying me for years, and I have only just realised that’s her game.
If I do what she wants she is delightful to be with, but if I ever suggest other alternatives (and insist on them) the passive aggressive behaviour begins and I feel like backing down, because she becomes formal and strained. You’re probably thinking ‘why not get some nicer friends?’ but she’s been around forever and is like a part of the family, so that’s not really an option.
Your comment that bullies confuse respect and good manners with weakness is spot on!
You have inspired me to take a stand. Thank you so much.
Like most of the posters here I WANT to be able to stand up for myself but as a victim of bullying in my school days I am unable to shake the shame, embarrassment and feeling that it must somehow be my fault when people are bullies towards me. I am well into my thirties now and its incredible to think that the schoolyard taunts and teasing still sit with me causing me to become paralysed when it comes to speaking up and voicing my concerns/opinion or just telling someone to shut the f@#$ up and leave me alone.
Whatever the story is behind these two kids, there is long term damage being done and I hope that it has occurred to the people involved in this story that these kids need some help. Suspending them from school and making them media heroes isn’t going to help with Casey’s low self esteeem and embarrassment and shame of being picked on nor will it help the ‘runt’ from feeling the need to prove himself in front of the camera again in the hopes that he can show Australia that he is capable of beating someone up and not getting beaten up.
The media (and the public) has jumped on this story but what are we all doing to changes its ending?
This is evidence of the failure in the school system to manage bullying prevention through education.
It is not rational to make a judgement after seeing 50 odd seconds of footage and assume you know what is going on. On the evidence presented the big guy was clearly provoked and set up…funny how the video just happened to be on….and my first reaction was that the little bugger got what he deserved but then I remembered after reading Craig’s wisom on this site along with my own personal experience that there are consequences for each decision that is made and by reacting physically (eye for an eye) the big guy has communicated that a physical response is OK and no doubt he will encounter more than 1 bully on the next occassion and it won’t be so easy to body slam them all.
There is a time to stand up and be counted and perhaps this was it for him but the right thing to do (IMO) is to not hand over your personal power – emotionally, psychologically or physically. You may not be able to communicate effectively with bullies in your language but you can demonstrate with your actions the acceptable way to behave…easier said than done I know. That may include involving the appropriate authority to assist – not so easy when they are not there at that moment I know – but it would be unusual for this to happen without any prior events as one of the other commentators has pointed out.
Again, my personal experience (I was bullied at high school and these days I work with young boys in a coaching role) tells me that there are always a lot of layers that lead to this sort of behaviour and it takes some TLC to adjust attitudes and behaviours of bullies and how to deal with bullies in much the same way you are all trying to become more ‘enlightened’ about your role in the universe and getting the most out of yourself and those around you. Those layers can be years of home abuse, sibling issues, broken family, socio-economic and so on….
I think these things are very easy to react to emotionally but the best response (if best is defined as the optimal outcome for all parties) is usually one that is intellectual and duly considered.
For me an effective way to deal with bullying was to forgive those who did it and give myself permission to move on.
Perhaps give yourself a few minutes to digest the video and consider the different possibilities before jumping to conclusions and becoming part of the problem….we are supposed to be creating a better world after all.
While physical bullying is usually obvious and can be stopped with words or retaliating other types of bullying such as spreading rumours and ostracising is subtle and hard to prove.
This type of (generally female) bullying can have serious implications when people don’t believe you and instead take the word of the bully that you are the one who is a horrible person and picking on them. This person then has the support of others who gang up against you to support them.
I was the target of an office psychopath and the majority of people believed and supported the perpetrator. She had a history of this type of behaviour but is still supported in her workplace while I left due to mobbing. People who could see what was going on were too scared of being targets themselves so whilst they supported me were powerless as the CEO supported the perpetrator and refused to listen to me.
The reason for the bullying was jealousy
I find it interesting that most people have seen this video from a “fat kid” versus “little kid” scenario, not a tall boy and a short boy or a younger versus older boy. The video shows two children involved in a power game. It should be a learning experience regardless of who is “judged” [as has happened] as right or wrong. Violence is never the best solution to any problem but that is what these kids have yet to learn. Neither felt good after this altercation. Hopefully they will both get the adult help that all kids need to learn how to handle these difficult situations in life.
I found the best way to overcome bullying is to bring it out into the open. I had a hard time being bullied when I was in high school and I sure as hell didn’t want my daughter to go through it the way I did. Whenever a situation arises that has the fingerprints of bullying, whether it be playful taunts that go beyond a joke, or the cyber type, the solution has been to bring it to the attention of teachers or her circle of friends and so far that has been successful. To nip it in the bud before it gets out of hand.
Now I need to apply it to my own life instead of just my daughters.
Harps,
There is an old saying from a warrior tribe from where I come:
“When all modes of redressing a wrong having failed, raising of sword is pious and just”
Amen
Well done big Kid.
Dhillon
i was a wuss for 30 years in marriage and i’v just found out i’m still a fucking wuss, crumbled at the knees, so dissapointed in myself
…time for some professional intervention
I heard that the little kid sustained a broken ankle in this clash, thank god it was his ankle and not his head, the post would be on a completely different topic then.
See this is the point cyberbullying and bullying, well I had to resign because my boss would not accept what that b***h did to me, it was bullying pure and simple but he didn’t have the balls to back me up.
It needs to be stamped out because whilst I agree you may let others treat you in a way, you allow it (not really agree but) the bully has a way of convincing you YOU are in the wrong. That is insideous because the law, the culture, everyone takes their side then whinges when people kill themselves.
We all bully too, we do but most of us are enlightened enough to stop it.
Bullies – fight them tooth and nail.
Bullying is all about control. Bullies lack control in themselves so they try to get comfort by controlling others. This model eventually backfires in their faces eventually. They are now talking about creating anti-bullying laws which sounds really lame to me.
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