How to Stop Being a Dickhead

Hi Team. If you’re feeling a little fragile today, then you might be advised to come back tomorrow. The following is a bit of fun and a bit of ‘serious’. I’ll let you decide which is which.

The Adjective for Dickhead?

Do you have a propensity to be periodically dickhead-y? Or, is it dickhead-ish? I’m not certain what the relevant adjective is but I’m pretty sure most of us have the capacity to slip into dickhead-mode from time to time. Or, maybe it’s just me?

Awkward.

Nah… we’ve all worked with, lived with, socialised with and, from time to time, been that dickhead. And, if you think you’ve never been a dickhead, then you need more help than this article can provide. :)

While dickhead-ology (the study of dickheads) is a vast area of scientific research, the following suggestions might be considered something of a starter-kit for your garden-variety dickhead who’s looking to change his/her ways. The list is certainly not exhaustive but it might be enough to create a little momentum.

1. Stop trying to impress people. We all know what you’re doing. Shut it down. You might as well wear your “I’m insecure” hat. Desperation: not sexy.

2. Talk less. Dickheads love the sound of their own voice. If you want to create connection with people, shut up and listen.

3. Turn down the volume. Dickheads also talk too loud.

4. Get off the angry pills. Angry is ugly. And pointless. And destructive. On lots of levels.

5. Stop waiting to be saved. Life doesn’t get better, you do. Stop hoping and start happening. Being a victim: also not sexy.  

6. Stop spending money you don’t have on shit you don’t need. Now you’re a dickhead with less money.

7. Don’t laugh at your own jokes. It’s horrible.

8. If you don’t know something, say… “I don’t know”. Give it a try. You don’t need to make shit up.

9. Stop making and breaking the same promises. Either do it or don’t do it. Don’t half do it three million times.

10. Stop having the same pointless conversations about the same issues with the same people. You know that doesn’t work right?

11. Stop talking about what and when you’re going to change. We’re sick of your plans and intentions. Show us some results.

12. Say sorry. Possibly the biggest challenge for a dickhead. Humility is not their strength. Try it. It’s liberating.

13. Stop being a Delusionite. Stop poisoning your body with toxic crap while telling people you need to get in shape. Unless someone is holding a gun to your head, then everything you do to your body is a conscious choice.

You’re welcome. :)

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{ 38 comments… read them below or add one }

Theresa November 7, 2010 at 5:25 pm

Love it!! Thanks Craig. Exaclty what this dickhead needed to hear. xoxo

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Jenny November 7, 2010 at 6:27 pm

Ahhhh dear, this one definitely cannot go on the fridge door :-) Funny and to the point dude, keep em coming!

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kate November 7, 2010 at 9:03 pm

needed a laugh..fav ..7.stop laughing at your own jokes its horrible (lmao)

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Anonymous November 7, 2010 at 10:03 pm

So do you reckon, when we slip into dickhead mode, we forget that our response to angry, happy or neutral faces, is closely tied to areas of our brain associated with survival instincts—like our fight or flight reflexes.

So why is it for many, that when we suspect anger is in our vicinity, our facial recognition suddenly lights, allowing us to better detect possible threats?

Or, our ability to remember who is angry may have been of evolutionary importance in enabling us to respond to a threat situation.

I think it is sad that too many people forget to remember who’s happy and make it important, as it bears no relation to their own immediate safety.

What if we all gave less of our attention to anger–any pissed off dickhead who is otherwise irrelevant, and channel our enery to the reasonable kind person who should otherwise take priority.

It’s not necessarily the case that there is more negativity, it’s just that we pay more attention to it.

Some may even argue that the concept “all you need is love” maybe untrue by our very genetics.

So sad for some, punches are more important than hugs & kisses.

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Robyn November 8, 2010 at 12:01 am

You think dick heads are bad. Wait until you meet a smart arses of this world! Trust me.

Oh, and lest us not forget the tight arses.
:)

Here’s my list of annoyances:

1. Dick heads!
2. Smart arses!!
3. The pussy whipped…
4. F*** wits!!! … let’s not forget them…

Thanks for the opportunity to vent.

PS Take cover. Right now, I’m a five star princess.

PPS :) (a smile to soften the blow)

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pcb November 8, 2010 at 1:42 am

Great post. Straight and to the point. Never thought of dickheads being victims… always thought of them as the one-dimensional a-hole types… This does point out the D in all of us…

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fran November 8, 2010 at 6:40 am

I just ended a relationship with one of those, come to think of it, I WAS one as well for dragging it out and waiting for things to change..
You constantly open my eyes Craig..keep up the good work :) x

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fran November 8, 2010 at 6:49 am

P.S. I took your previous advice and got my shit together..

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Christina November 8, 2010 at 7:35 am

Thanks, Craig. That’s a very comprehensive list of what, um, other people might be like. Because I would never exhibit any of those characteristics, would I? Can anyone smell smoke? I think someone’s pants could be on fire …

Can I just add another point, please? Dickheads have to control, micromanage and monitor everything around them. Their inability to trust other people to do a good job simply confirms that they believe they are smarter, better and more capable than everyone else. They seem to think that, compared to them, everyone else is a slack-arse idiot. Not nice to be around, trust me.

Have an awesome, dickhead-free day!

Christina xxx

ps. Wow! Robyn has attitude this morning. You go girl!

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Jan November 8, 2010 at 7:45 am

Never thought of myself as a Dickhead but must confess 9 11 and 13 COULD apply to me!!

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chebbieanne November 8, 2010 at 12:00 pm

How about a Number 14 – listen to other people when they offer sound advice. Particularly usefull when they know what they are talking about and you dont – but of course you think that you do.

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The helper November 8, 2010 at 12:13 pm

I started reading the article thinking I was just going to hear about all those ‘other’ dickheads, and I would sit and nod my head in agreement. But alas, much like Jan, I have to confess my name goes next to a few of them as well!!!

Thanks for the belly laugh (so good for us), and the reality check.

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stormy bear November 8, 2010 at 2:07 pm

Hi Craig,

I just came out of a relationship with one of those dickheads and i too questioned whether that made me a dickhead for being with a dickhead and knowing it and hoping they would change.

But you know…i think there is a big difference between sometimes BEHAVING like a dickhead and actually BEING a dickhead. Those of us who can sit back and acknowledge that we have at times done some dickhead things are NOT the dickheads. The dickheads dont KNOW they are dickheads and when told they refuse to believe it about themselves!!

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Kat November 8, 2010 at 3:20 pm

Please, please puullleeaaasseee can I laugh at my own jokes?????

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Geminigail November 8, 2010 at 4:44 pm

Yep – I know a dickhead who is gonna receive these tips in an email!
Love it!

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Craig November 8, 2010 at 6:32 pm

Yes Kat – of course you can laugh at your own jokes. I laugh at mine… but then… I am a dickhead. :)

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Anonymous December 7, 2014 at 12:32 am

Thank you for the advice you’re a life saver xxxxxxcxx

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Stephen (MBE) November 8, 2010 at 8:09 pm

Who can ever forget that classic line out of “THE CASTLE”

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Anon N November 8, 2010 at 8:18 pm

Someone took an angry pill or two before writing this though.
:)

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Anonymous November 9, 2010 at 1:03 pm

I agree with – “This does point out the D in all of us…”
I sat down for a good read and like some of the others here, I ticked the box beside a few of them that applied to me. I am not feeling very proud of myself at the moment.
I bought your book fattitude and am part way through it, using the highlighter pen and I know already its going to be one of those books that will stay in my bookcase to be a constant reference. Thanks for being you, you really do make a difference to this world.

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Gayle November 9, 2010 at 1:08 pm

Tick, tick, tick.

Okay, well, this is actually going to go up somewhere in my house. Sometimes we need reminding of our faults so we can make a conscious decision to change. And as I am reading in the great book “fattitude” I recently bought…its NEVER too late to change.

Thanks Craig.

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Lucinda November 9, 2010 at 6:41 pm

I was a bit worried when I realised some of the points applied to me (9,11,13) having not considered myself to be a dickhead but I laughed when I read the other comments and realised I am not alone. This list is going up on my fridge.

Thanks Craig

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anon November 22, 2010 at 1:28 am

Made my day…printing and posting to fridge.

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Bev January 6, 2011 at 6:25 pm

Great points delivered in your usual non-nonsense approach. Excellent post – this is going on the fridge for sure. It should give my 5 teenagers something to think about. I think most people a guilty of at least some of these and I would admit to some of them – to myself anyway!!

I would like to add what I find “dickheadish”. It kind of fits under point 1. Those that big note themselves. Example “I personally know this celebrity or that sports hero” – “me, me, me, – blah, blah, blah”. Boring and annoying. If people are interested enough to talk to you – you don’t need to seem bigger and better than you are.
Thanks again – funny and thought provoking.

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Romelio February 27, 2011 at 11:38 am

Thanks Craig, for an entertaining way of looking at it. No: 13 really hit home.

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Luke July 14, 2011 at 3:40 pm

I love this Craig!
I might stop waisting my breath on a few of my clients and just send them a link to this post, it might have a bit more impact.

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Motivational speaker August 30, 2011 at 11:09 pm

Im pretty sure the list can be longer than that :)

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Leo September 16, 2011 at 9:58 am

great laugh here! gave me ashtma.

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Bernadette (Missbkcol) January 18, 2012 at 9:44 am

Telling it like it is yet again. Thank you! :-)

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Mickey Oddwin January 24, 2012 at 4:26 am

Awesome – couldn’t have put it better myself!

6. Stop spending money you don’t have on shit you don’t need. Now you’re a dickhead with less money.

Haha… piss funny.

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Jas February 9, 2012 at 3:15 pm

Thanks for the awareness, I thought laughing at my own jokes just proved how hilariously funny I was!! … what a dickhead!!

Well, I am happy to own #7
And Im born on the 7th – so it’s a sign… I am one funny dickhead!

Loved it, love your work
I just need to stop reading yours and get on with mine! :/

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Anonymous May 5, 2012 at 4:47 pm

Thanks Dickhead! I just like saying it’ lol

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dickhead July 19, 2012 at 7:01 pm

Damn it’s so hard not to be one :) )

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J August 2, 2012 at 10:31 pm

DOES NOT MAKE DICKEHEADS A BAD PERSON LOL

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Anonymous September 25, 2012 at 2:36 pm

I’m not saying sorry to no one dickhead 4 lyf!xoxox

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don November 3, 2012 at 4:26 pm

How does being a victim make u a dickhead? I am a victim of a nasty group of people who actively destroyed my life from false police reports, false reports to my real estate agent, slandering me to every business and person they can in my suburb. Driving down the street now has people shaking there head and occasionally RANDOMS giving the finger, nasty looks from people. Am I a Dickhead? Maybe because I let this affect me..suppose sleeping on a concrete floor now with no job and can’t rent a house makes me a dickhead. A sad desprite , victim, who is a dickhead! Lol.

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Elias February 10, 2013 at 9:31 am

6. Stop spending money you don’t have on shit you don’t need. Now you’re a dickhead with less money.
hmm If your not spending, that generally means you have MORE not less money.

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Anonymous February 27, 2014 at 6:41 am

thank you man
nearly all of my fiends are dickheads

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