Today’s instalment will be brief and blunt. If you’re feeling a little precious, you might want to come back tomorrow. 
What Success Demands
I’m of the not-very-popular opinion that the majority of people who say they want to change their lives – or part thereof – in a significant way are simply not prepared to do what’s required; you know – the hard stuff. As a consequence, they will never begin to explore the limits of their potential, power or possibilities – and not because they don’t have a capacity for brilliance, excellence or success (we all do) – but, rather, because they don’t have a willingness to get uncomfortable enough for long enough. They lack an attitude of total commitment to the change process.
Or so it seems.
Warm and Fuzzy
Contrary to what some of the warm, fuzzy, hold-your-hand, self-help types might suggest, the transformation journey is invariably painful and unpleasant (physically, emotionally, mentally, sociologically, financially) – for a while at least. And for many people, this is their stumbling block. Which is why years down the track so many people are still inhabiting the same reality – despite a long-term desire for change. Yes, even people who read this blog. Shocking, I know. 
Still having the same conversations about the same issues. Still waiting for the magical, mythical right time. Still lying to themselves. Still making excuses and laying blame. Still not facing fears. Still not exploring potential. And still getting grumpy at people like me who tell them what they don’t want to hear.
How Much We Want It
It’s been my experience and observation that, more often than not, success or failure comes down to one key issue: how much an individual wants something. Of course, there are many other ingredients and variables but, for the most part, they are all irrelevant and inconsequential if the individual lacks the necessary level of desire, commitment and application. The more desperate (motivated, committed, focused) an individual is to having, creating, achieving or doing a particular thing; the more likely he or she is to find a way to get the job done. To get uncomfortable enough. And to keep getting uncomfortable. The more likely they are to do what’s required – despite their fears. To pay the necessary price. To persevere. To do what the majority won’t.
Want to be exceptional? Then ‘do’ exceptional.
Words Ain’t Actions
Of course, many people will say they’re totally committed to change but, more often than not, their actions tell a different story. Words are cheap and require very little effort. If you really want to know how committed somebody is to changing their reality, ignore their words (the theory) and observe their actions (the practical reality) over an extended period of time. As I’ve said many times on this site already, transformation doesn’t live in the knowing (thinking, planning, talking), it lives in the doing.
It’s important that we don’t confuse acquired knowledge (which most of us have more than enough of) with intelligent and courageous behaviour. For that matter, it’s also important that we don’t confuse education with intelligence. In terms of you creating your best life (yes, you the person reading this post right now), I’m not interested in what you know, I’m interested in what you do with what you know. And so should you be.
Take a look around (or maybe within?) and you’ll discover that many people have been talking, planning, intending and goal-setting their way to nowhere-in-particular for years. I call them the personal-growth theorists. Yes, they love the ‘idea’ of transformation and, yes, they have more than enough intelligence and understanding to transform their situation, however, for a range of reasons, they are simply not prepared to do what success demands.
Sadly, some people will spend much of their lives wasting their time, talent and opportunities while simultaneously looking for the shortcut, the quick-fix, the miracle cure; anything that will allow them to stay comfortable.
Today, I have three questions for you:
1. What do you want?
2. What’s the cost?
3. Are you willing to pay the price?
Answer those honestly and courageously and then do what’s required.
Or, come up with another excuse.
* Don’t forget my new kid’s book (The Angry Ant) is out now! Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and get my FREE Ebook!
{ 30 comments… read them below or add one }
how much would it cost for you to come live at my place and kick me into action every time i talk about it but don’t actually do it.
I’m so freaking sick of this place, this is just what I needed, time for action no matter what the pain, or I’m gunna go completely crazy!
yep, this is me. I have so much knowledge on this subject now i could start my own web site.
I have to get over the Fear of failure to attain my goals. And of course deal with being uncomfortable.
Thank you, those are 3 good questions. Sometimes I feel like a jellyfish drifting where the current takes me, never expect much and never get disappointed. What a * way to live. When I try and think of what I want, I think I can’t do anything and it upsets me, I don’t like feeling like that so I just don’t let myself think about it. OK I will think about it today.
Always a good thought starter….
1. To continue working on a healthy balance between work and lifestyle. Getting the mix between family, friends and self. Understanding and actioning how I can anonymously help those less fortunate than myself. Budget better.
2. Effort – getting up early, making sacrifices, being organised, reminding myself to think of others often, make the call.
3. yes.
love your work, but you already know that
Of course, you’re right. ;p
I mean that. Most people stumble at questions 2 & 3.
Finding the answer to question 1 can be real a deal breaker, however. In order to get to 2 & 3, one needs to answer 1. That’s not always easy. But for those of us who are stuck at number 1, the search will go on.
Another perfectly-timed post and scarily accurate description of me and we have never even met! I had written in my journal just yesterday about how I was sick of griping or telling people I USED to be fit, sick of hearing digs about my weight (you’re so pretty…ya know, in your face…uh…thanks?), and how people make comments of how I seem to always work food into every activity I’m responsible for. So, I’m ready to get uncomfortable for longer than a week(!) and am determined to have this post describe my past self. Seriously, I appreciate the brief and blunt installment. Thanks.
I see this in 12-Step programs a lot. I started in 12-Step programs, not AA, back in 1989. People were amazed at how quickly I grasped the information and moved ahead through the fear, pain and sadness of growing up in an alcholic family system with incest on top of that. Why did I move ahead and change myself so rapidly? Because I was tired of hurting and being rageful. Controlling others didn’t make me happy. I hated myself. The 12-Step programs gave me the tools to change everything that I didn’t like in my life, starting with me.
I recently went back to 12-Step meetings with a friend. I saw a lot of new faces there but I also saw some old faces that are exactly where they were when I first started going over 20 years ago. Some people say that they want to change when really all they want is a place to talk and blame someone else for the way that they are. Like you said in your post, some people love to talk about what they want to change but don’t follow up on it with some kind of actions so no change happens. They stay stuck in the blaming stage and never move forward because they don’t want to face their fears and feel the hurt and grief which is a necessary part of healing and moving forward.
Right now I am looking at my fears that have kept me from writing a memoir about my life and my healing experiences with incest. What is stopping me from sitting down and writing that book? What fears am I not facing? Fear of rejection? Fear of success? Another round of low self-worth? Another round of fear of breaking the silence of abuse that my abusers enforced when I was a child?
Thanks for writing this post right now. Your timing is perfect for where I am right now. I will think about this and act on it. Without the action, I stand still.
I’m great at achieving goals – when I have one. That’s why I’m a dynamo at work, and I got my main life goal (moving to a place I love) accomplished in 5 years.
However, what I want now isn’t so clear. I know I want to start my own business. What kind? I have no idea. Nothing is leaping out at me, and I haven’t come up with anything that I’m particularly passionate about (except not working for another person). I also want more satisfaction out of my relationship. In what way? I’m not entirely sure; I’m just dissatisfied with how I feel in it.
I understand both things will take work once I define them. I just am having a really hard time with the “what” part, despite devoting countless hours to pondering on and analyzing them.
So many confuse “thinking” with an action verb. The brain cells might be moving, but nothing else!
Love your blog, Craig; you’re like a bull$hit detector in a lot of ways. Always taking it down to absolute honesty.
I love it when you are blunt & give us a kick. Don’t always like the response I give to your questions though.
1. Yes, but until last Friday wasn’t completely sure how it looked & if it’s really what I wanted. Then I meet someone who is living their version of what I wanted. It just confirmed for me that yes, it’s exactly what I want.
2. Still working that one out. Because what I want isn’t the slightly bit normal for the society that I live in.
3. I’d like to think that I’m a big brave girl & the answer is Yes. Guess I’ll find out when I work out the cost.
Craig, you’ve busted me.
I am a self help theorist.
I have piles of books on every conceivable way to transform myself but I’m still mostly talking and not doing. I’ve often avoided asking if I’m willing to pay the price for the life I want for myself. And when I do ask… Well, I don’t really like the answer I get.
It’s why I have the life I have. Up until now I haven’t been prepared to pay the price.
Thanks for the heads up mate. Good post.
1. What do you want? To be healthy, fit and a good role model for our 2 kids. To do it no matter what life throws in the way.
2. What’s the cost? Having to exercise at least 5 days a week and monitoring everything I eat.
3. Are you willing to pay the price? Yes, have been at it for about 8 months now, down 13.5kg with about 5-8 to go. The kids are seeing that exercise is an important part of life and that its ok to have a treat occasionally but not every day.
Seven years ago I made the decision to leave my boring office job and go back to uni – today I’m in the last year of my PhD having completely changed my profession and my view of the world. I won’t lie, its been tough and I’ve lost friends along the way. You have to stare down people who ask you why you are wasting time. Financially its been tough too, but my life is so much richer for the experience. Sometimes there is self doubt but I keep plodding forward and the goal is in sight. Yes, you have to want it, grab it, and hang on for dear life!
Thanks. Short and not so sweet.
Thanks Craig,
Great timing. I see this with some Life Coaching clients. They want the change however when we drill down unfortunartely the “will” to move forward wanes. I give the support, encouragement, feedback however I can’t “do it for them”. Change is rarely smooth & if you can ride out the bumps it will be worth it.
Be good to yourself
David
What if the answer to number 3 is no?
1. To be happy with life and happy with myself.
3 weeks into this now I actually look forward to my 45mins to myself to start my day. 
2. The cost is getting out of bed every day at 5.15am to walk or get through the C25K program
3. The price of getting up that hour nearly every day is absolutely worth it. I winge and moan and have a mental argument with myself nearly every day, but I go. I am uncomfortable the whole time. My hubby reminds me as I walk through the door how great it is what I am doing, and then says, “Craig says you don’t have to like the exercise, you just do it”
Big hug Craig
Hi,
1. I want to get up in the morning and look forward to going to work. Enjoy what I am doing. Actually have a passion for what I do 40 hours a week.
2. Cost? The Cost of change? Temporary loss of income. Peoples ridicule. Family and friends saying what the hell are you giving a good job up for for some half brained idea of changing your career. Everything you have studied for out the window.. Starting again almost from scratch.
3. I tell myself I am willing to pay it but the years keep rolling on in the same place and same old job
3.
The three questions are relevant to a point. Being in the middle of a life repairing journey I have found that what I thought I wanted has changed a lot over 12 months. I guess I did not realise exactly what I needed to fix in the beginning and it still a work in progress. What I thought would be the cost was not even close but I determined that I was willing to pay the cost no matter what that was. What I have discovered has at times blown my mind. The journey to date has been fascinating and I so glad I started it. I have met some great people, created distance from others, learned more than I could imagine and in the midst of all that found the old me that had been lurking in the shadows for too long.
The two sayings I like least of all:
‘A leopard never changes its spots’ & ‘You can’t teach an old dog new tricks.’
Once you accept the above to be nothing more than a hackneyed & convenient falsehood you are well on your way to being able to answer questions 2&3.
Hi Craig, I’m of the (unpopular hereabouts) “the warm, fuzzy, hold-your-hand, self-help types” school.
I think support while making difficult changes (aka hand-holding) is an excellent and helpful thing.
Fuzzy – well detailed plans often go awry – a little fuzziness can help.
Warmth – I don’t know what your objection to it is? Do you prefer to be treated with coldness? I don’t.
Self-help – well I’m in favour of people helping themselves.
As to motivation. It depends on the change desired. If it requires one big effort then ‘motivation’ can be helpful. If it requires thoughtfulness then urgency may mean rushing to ill-considered action and the resulting (likely) failure can lead to less motivation to change.
I don’t think motivation as being unkind to yourself is very useful (except in emergencies). Even if you ‘win’ you are just being unkind to yourself.
If the change desired also means changing the way you make the change (eg. not being a perfect in the way you give up perfectionism) then impatience/motivation may be little use and may be counterproductive. When motivated people usually do things the same old way.
You state your position clearly. I hope the reasons for my disagreement are equally clear. The path to significant change is through acceptance.
Great post as usual!
Those are questions I occasionally “forget” to ask myself when I’m going down the easy/lazy path…
I don’t suppose there’s a cute version of them already?
Hi Evan.
Hmmm…. we could go back and forth on this but we won’t! I’ll just say thanks for sharing – I always respect your thoughts and ideas…
And to the rest of you… thanks for dropping by and contributing to the chat…
HI Craig,
Well i am currently in the early stages of having put my ideas and knowledge into ACTION. I am have taken a major leap of faith, i backed myself and am taking the risk. I wasnt happy in where i was or what i was doing or where it was all heading…..so i had that choice of making eternal excuses….OR…..getting extremely uncomfortable. All the things you say in your post are absolutely true for me. Its been so damn difficult i am riding the emotional roller coaster right now….enduring the financial hardship and rising above the criticisms and harsh judgements by others who think i am crazy. I have lost my self confidence as a result some days and have wanted to run back to where it was safe.
But i am not going to do that. I am 100% committed to moving ahead with my new life….i dont even know what it is going to be yet…..i just knew that what i WAS doing wasnt working for me. I am going to dare to follow up on my passions and dreams and i am willing to pay the price…..cause here i am right now sitting in a log cabin in the wilderness writing this to you!!
The people who will disagree with your post are the ones who seriously can not give this a real go. Its unbelieveably gut-wrenchingly difficult and unsettling to the max…..but hey like you said….if you WANT something BAD enough….you will do it!!!
Cheers and thanks for this timely post….by the way i have started on this journey thanks to reading your posts for a fair while now and your books and relating to some of your readers too. Thanks for everything you do….you make a difference
A corollary to my post…
A reality check !
Today before I sat to lunch with some friends a young lady approached me who could not speak presented a sign which read along the lines can you please spare some change…. immediately my critical mind kicked into gear and before I had even had the chance to consider her request I said not today….she mimed the words thankyou and moved on.
Now here I am a few hours later having digested this interaction only hours after posting the following…
“Understanding and actioning how I can anonymously help those less fortunate than myself.”
What a lesson!! Clearly still a lot to learn.
So with a heavy heart I want to apologise to that young lady for assuming it was a scam. And even if it was I am disappointed in myself for thinking the worst of the situation. If I could have the moment again I would like to ask her to sit down and have some sort of conversation and perhaps show a little bit more interest than I did. I wonder how many times she rattles that tin each day and confronts the same response. So I am adding the following to my number 2.
2…. and understanding that my past and my critical mind does not have to dictate my attitude, behaviour or my future and I need to look for the best in people without looking for the catch…all people.
…sometimes we get messages in mysterious ways. I got this one loud and clear and I am very grateful for it!
Hi Craig
One of your PT’s Mandi introduced your site to me. Excellent post, relevant to – well just everything in terms of what we want to achieve in our lives. Thanks.
I was wondering what your thoughts are on addiction with processed food. I see people I know literally turn into a frenzy when eating junk ( I can myself to a lesser degree, steer clear of it mostly, for this reason).
I am not educated in nutrition, however I have heard that eating highly processed or highly concentrated foods can artificially stimulate dopamine (the pleasure neurotransmitter), which plays a role in addiction. Eating processed foods is an awful cycle. They they taste good, are a quick fix but then comes the slump. People seem to rebound from this slump by eating even more processed food and the cycle goes on and on.
I would love you to explore this side of things, perhaps you have already, but I really think people need to know it is not all about will power, and it is not their fault either. Once they eat healthy food over a period of time, they will not have cravings, it will not be difficult. Maybe you should run a health retreat (a good one 2-3 weeks) , to help people obtain new habits AND they will realise that processed food, is in fact addictive. God knows what it does to hormone levels etc. Hormones drive some crazy behaviour.
Yes, my bookshelf is filled with all the healthy books, my email box is filled with all the healthy links, my speech is filled with all the healthy intentions…but here I sit filled with all the hesitation and fear of taking that one first right ACTION. Thanks for pushing me in the right direction…
1. I want to be healthy and happy and content with my life.
2.The cost..getting off my arse more to shift the last 26 kilos to get to an optimal weight for my health, getting a job again now I am healthier to get some more self esteem and independence, getting that husband of mine to realise he is doing TOO much in the way of action and its time to have a family life as well. There is such a thing as balance.
3. I am willing to pay the price in terms of getting uncomfortable, I know at the moment I am accepting less from myself than I should be…and I feel the guilt for that for sure. But I feel I am trying to make up to the family for the time my partner isnt giving. Perhaps that is going to have to be out of balance for a little while as I get myself sorted.
Thanks Craig for the post.
This post reminds of the movie the Secret. The whole getting your intention out to the Universe and magically it will materialize for you! Poof! No hard work needed.
It’s kinda funny, but saying that, I know I believed in this magic when I heard it! The cool thing about it though, is I have learned it takes action. Yes, it’s good to know what you want…(gotta know where you are going to get there)….but it’s the taking action and paying the price to get there that will help you to reach your goals.
I’ve heard Bill Harris say, “You’re already paying a price to stay where you are. Are you willing to pay the price to go where you want to go?”
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