Sometimes the answers to our problems are not nearly as complex or elusive as many of us seem to believe they are. Or as difficult as some of us make them. Sometimes our problems only exist in our head. Sometimes the journey from where we are to where we’d like to be is not nearly as terrifying as we imagine it is. In fact, it’s often kind of exhilarating and liberating.
Living Scared.
That’s right; some of us make life hard. Our inability to make certain decisions or do certain things keeps us trapped in a reality that we don’t enjoy. Hate, in fact. And standing at the door of our self-created prison is a gate-keeper who only exists in our mind; fear. While other people can walk in and out of our prison (reality) at will, fear has kept some of us from freedom for far too long – telling us what to do, and what not to do, for as long as we can remember. Influencing, if not controlling virtually every area of our lives. For years we’ve been fearful of getting hurt in some way, fearful of getting fat, or being unloved, unwanted, poor, humiliated, of upsetting people or being discovered for the fraud we believe we are. And we’re petrified of being alone. We’ve lived so much of our life negatively, simply doing our best to avoid the ‘bad stuff’ and to survive, that somewhere along the way, we seem to have lost, or maybe never even really found, us; the us we still want to be, the us we could be and the us we’ve dreamed about since we were five.
It’s okay, you’re still in there.
Sometimes the seemingly insurmountable gap between our current reality and our own version of amazing (prison and freedom) is much smaller than we think. Much, much smaller. A mere step away in fact. With the only challenge being that sometimes the step we need to take is a doozy; the ‘no safety net’ step. And we love safety nets – that’s a big part of the problem.
Fear is a jealous gate-keeper and he wants you staying put in your make-believe prison. That’s how he operates. He doesn’t want you to see what’s out there, what’s possible for you. He can’t keep you in there but only he knows that. He’s been holding a pair of threes while you’ve had four aces in your hand for years, but he’s bluffed you every time. Stared you down, made you believe something that wasn’t true – that what you have in your hand isn’t good enough. Well listen up…
It is good enough. You are good enough.
This is not feel-good, positive thinking mumbo jumbo, its reality. But you need to make it YOUR reality. Fear doesn’t want you making decisions, taking chances or exploring your potential because that’s where he loses his power. He doesn’t want you hanging out with those ‘positive thinking’ types and he certainly doesn’t want you paying too much attention to articles like this one.
Healthy and unhealthy fear.
Of course there’s a time to fear. If someone is pointing a gun at you and you are fearful, then that makes you normal, not gutless. We would call that healthy fear. But that’s not what we’re talking about today. Today we’re talking about the unhealthy, destructive and often irrational fear that controls and ruins lives.
Fearful creatures.
People often ask me what I believe stops so many of us from fulfilling our potential and from creating our best life. In truth, there are many things on the list of likely obstacles: procrastination, laziness, ignorance, indifference, ego and a bunch of other stuff, but without doubt, at the top of most lists, is fear.
It’s true; we humans are fearful creatures. On some level we all operate on fear from time to time, and to a point, that’s understandable. Wise even. But beyond a point, it’s stupid. Destructive even. It’s about knowing where that line in the sand should be and staying on the right side. A little fear – good. A life controlled by fear – bad. Painful.
Far too many of our significant ‘life decisions’ come out of our fearful mindset, and as a consequence, many of us live a life of compromise, under-achievement and imprisonment. And repetition. And repetition. It’s like some of us are Bill Murray in Groundhog Day. And repetition. All of our days are just like the ones before. And sadly for some, tomorrow will be the same too. Because that’s what we do; the same – even though we desperately want different. The journey between where we are and where we want to be scares the crap out of us so we stay put. In Samesville. A.K.A. prison.
“I don’t really like my life right now, but at least there’s a level of familiarity and predictability about it. I know what’s coming each day and in a way, I’m comfortable with that. It doesn’t particularly fulfill me but it doesn’t terrify me either. So if it’s okay with you, I’ll stay here in a holding pattern for forty or fifty years and then I’ll die, just like dear old Dad did. There won’t be a whole lot of joy or fun, but at least I know what to expect each day.”
We love certainty (a dangerous thing to love in a uncertain world), we’re addicted to safety, we seek familiarity and we want risk-free (good luck with that). Ironically certainty, safety, familiarity and risk-free… is not where we grow, learn, adapt, change or improve. Or find our best life. In fact, quite often the things that we gravitate towards are our biggest handicap.
I have spent a lifetime watching people complicate the simple, avoid the obvious and not do the very things they should or could have done, long ago. Some people have been almost creating their best life for far too long. Some people have been standing at the threshold of greatness for years, twiddling their thumbs, wasting their time and talent and hoping in vain that success might somehow find it’s way to them. An interesting, if not totally unrealistic notion.
Some people have been in situations or circumstances that they really don’t want to be in, for years. Decades even. This is because they associate more discomfort / pain with getting out of their current reality, than staying in it. So they stay. Miserable and scared.
Some Personal Development Junkies are masters of this. Just one more workshop, one more conversation, one more mentoring session, one more self-help book and just one more day and then I’ll do it. Okay, maybe two more days. Sadly, they don’t understand that what they really need is not more time, books, workshops or more motivational fluff, what they really need is some balls. Excuse my honesty but some people are highly educated, very capable, extremely talented and gutless. I’ve met many of them. Give me someone with less talent, less opportunities, more adversity and some genuine courage, and I’ll show you how to get some real results.
I know this is not a message that’s often taught in personal development circles but I believe that’s a big mistake. I believe it should be shouted from the roof tops. We like to gravitate towards the feel-good (but mostly useless and disempowering) psycho-babble crap. It makes us feel warm and fuzzy for ten minutes but results in no long term positive change. Of course I believe there is a time for listening, for handing holding, for back rubbing, for hugging and for loving support and encouragement. The problem is, some people have had all of that for years and they’re STILL in the same place and still doing the same destructive things. Sometimes more therapy ain’t the answer. I know that’s not a popular thing to say but it’s true. There’s a time when some people need to suck it up, to stop looking for pity, to stop being a victim and start taking control of their own life. Simple.
Courage.
So often we are taught that creating our best life is about talent, opportunities, planning, goal setting, vision, passion, discipline and a bunch of other stuff. And to an extent it is; it’s about all of those things. But there’s one non-negotiable ingredient that doesn’t get the attention it should; courage. Our ability to do what we need to do, despite the fear. If we have all of the ingredients but no courage, we’ll never get there. Wherever there is for us.
Fear and all it’s implications in the lives of us mere mortals is something which has fascinated me for years. I have watched it ruin many friendships, careers, businesses, marriages and lives. I have seen it destroy individuals. Like most emotions, on some level, we create it. It’s very personal and individual. It’s a personal response to, or interpretation of, an event, situation or circumstance.
I’ve also watched many people stare-down and overcome their fears and enjoy a life of happiness, joy and exhilaration that only comes with true freedom. I’ve seen brave people turn their lives around after years of frustration and sadness. And I’ve seen ordinary people do incredible things because they chose to walk out of that prison cell. Once and for all.
Remember…
On the other side of fear is freedom.
Enjoy your liberty my friend.
You deserve it and you’re worth it.
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{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
OMG!! This is one of the best articles I have ever read on the topic fear. I am guilty of a lot of what you say and tomorrow I will take my first step out of my prison cell. Thank You Craig.
I cannot imagine how long this must have taken to write but you have a remarkable gift for writing and understanding how we think. Bravo Mr Harper!
As a lover of safety nets you have just shaken my world. I have been self destructing for the past twenty years in silence and after reading this am going to make one small change this week so I can get my life back.
Craig, great article. Fear can seem like a mountain. You start by chipping away at it once chunk at a time and very quickly it becomes manageable. It is no longer than giant mountain of ice that keeps you stuck and afraid of everything and everyone., including your own shadow. You chip away at it one day at a time until it is all gone except the occasional occurence which you again face because you now know that you can. It won’t killed you or defeat you unless you let it by staying stuck. The next step is to help others recognise it for the bully that it is. That is what your article does. Thanks.
Patricia, Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA (former terrified little girl)
Craig:
YOU ROCK MAN!!!
Thanks for calling a spade a spade here! So often we face a fearful situation and assume we can’t go forward until dealing with/dispelling the fear. I have learned that THAT comes later. We have to learn to “do it afraid.” We/I allow fear to make us freeze. If we “do it afraid” enough times, the fear passes–and the rewards come.
Craig you are so right – I encourage anyone bogged down by their fears to find courage because it leads to a stronger healthier you. I WAS imprsoned by fear, fear of failure mostly, but I made the hard decision, found the courage and stepped out of my comfort zone. I am happier, healthier and more confident than ever before. They say we learn and grow by taking risks – managed ones – that means being bigger than the fear of the risk. Go grow!
Hey Craig!
Oh so true. You rock! I know last year when I fell off the ‘wagon’ yet again I felt like a complete dud, feeling like more of one each time!
I was 75% the way toward meeting my fitness/fatloss target through hard work and discipline and liking the progress. BUT I couldn’t handle the financial challenge or even starting it and made some excuse that one thing at a time, I was dealing with the fitness, next would be fitness and finances but kept putting off the overspending! I still lived WAY beyond means, made some excuse about how ‘later’ I’d get it together, seemed all too daunting at once.
I HAD quit diet soft drink, but then thought I could enjoy a drink or 2 or 3 most days. If I resisted drinking alcohol then I was having 1.5 – 2L of diet coke or coke zero a day. Always a new bad habit to replace an old if there was temporary change.
I felt so on track, then fearful of the debt and good time I was having and again got into binge eating mode once again last year, – out of control! I remember after losing 6.5kg over an 8 week period, getting great comments and training hard I managed to put on 8.8kg in 9 days when I finally stepped on the scale. I was devastated and first thing went to a coffee shop and bought a huge slice of caramel mudcake and an iced caramel choc/creamy thing. And over the next 1.5-2 months kept up more of that and gained another 10kg and the whole prospect of forever change in ALL areas appeared daunting rather than alternating between *binge mode, *on track training mode but still spending beyond means and having diet fizz, *tight finances but not focussing on healthy eating mode, (tight finances had not been a habit for a few years though and I spent all savings from younger to pay off debt, then got more so it HAD to ead!)
So I contemplated a lifecoach, – researched it, $60 – $75 a session and one needed at least 10! Problem was there was already a few thousand of debt and I felt so out of control and fearful of making more.! They sounded nice in the prelim e-mail, suggested they would look into the past and find the ‘root’ of my probs and there would be something and there would be change etc etc. I’m sorry to say I haven’t given these coaches a chance!
Or an online trainer, seemed a popular luxury! I was worried at the cost and ability to commit to a ‘program’ as my days are so non structured with work and times. And therapy, hyponosis and all that too were considerations.
Sorry, I know I can ramble, now up to day 37/366, (10%) of the ‘control’ challenge I set myself in all areas of life at once and have lost 15kg since my highest weight recording last year in October. Yeah, find balls! That’s it! And ride through moments of uncertainty and hardship as they will pass! DON’T give in to unplanned out of control temptation!
Pip
How do we get to the stage of self imprisonment? Why is it so easy for some people to do what they need to do and so difficult for others?
You’re welcome Sue.
Cheers.
It took a long time Lionel.
Enjoy your day.
Hi Patricia – thanks for dropping by and sharing.
Peace.
Thanks sunflowersue. ( )
Hi Kristi.
Thanks for dropping by.
Cheers.
Hi Jen.
Thanks for saying hi and sharing.
Peace…
Hi Pip.
The only person you need in your world to turn your life around is YOU.
( )
Hi Tess.
1. It’s a very gradual process
2. You’ve gotta get to THAT point. When you get there – it’s considerably easier. Having said that, there are MANY variables from person to person….
Cheers.
You’ve really hit the nail on the head this time, Craig!
Thank you, thank you for taking the time to write such a truthful and insightful article.
Linda
Ok, guilty as charged.
I feel totally naked in the crowd… thanks!
Oh look, there are others like me…
I am working on doing something brave,
Thanks for the push…
Or was it a kick?
Hmmmm, almost like you know my struggle…
You’re kind of eerie and creepy,
But in a good, firm way.
I’ll let you know if you influenced my bravery,
soon…
I guess my biggest concern is identifying the line between,
Taking chances and being irresponsible…
When you have others relying you,
How do you make the determination?
And how do you know whether the concern is valid
or if you are just rationalizing your fears?
()
Tami
You’re very welcome Linda.
( )
You know Tami.
Deep down, you know.
Trouble is – you don’t wanna know.
( )
I find it amazing that you have this uncanny ability to comment on my life. I was having a conversation with my husband about what is holding me back from taking on a National role just last night – and low and behold here is your email this morning…
I have decided to grow some b***s and just get on with it. The universe gives you a shove from the strangest of places.
Thanks Craig!
Hi Sarah,
Didn’t your husband tell you he called me and asked me to write this article?
Get on with it!
Brilliant article. I might have to print this out and stick it beside my bed so that I can read it each morning as I get up.
greetings from the hinterland
Havent visited for awhile but aha such synronicity. i cant tell you how many times i’ve been through “feel the fear and do it anyway” syndrome whether it was opening up our B&B or more often… riding my horses… Everytime i break through… i break through 
see u on the other side
gp in montana
Cheers Nick.
Hi etchedbystone…
Thanks for dropping by. Montana looks kinda gorgeous…
Enjoy the bliss
Another blog speaking directly to me (along with everyone else…so I’m not the only one huh)- More tears in response to your verbalising my pain, together with the realisation that I am not alone (Pip, you stole my story and well done YOU on your new start). It seems that the community which I have always felt part of ‘on the outside looking in’ (self)imprisoned by addictions to(legal) drugs(food/alcohol/exercise/smokes)outweighs (excuse the pun) the healthy well adjusted community. I was taught that I can do anything I want to do…and I have always believed it…but what if you don’t know what that is? What if you have no idea what you want to be when you grow up and then you wake up and realise that your life is half over – the so called ‘good’ bit is over ……….too late she cried……but ‘hope floats’ and where there is life there is hope…but what is ‘life’? Surely more than existing in that holding pattern you describe so well Craig. What if you have plenty of balls but havent got a clue what to do with them?? They become like chinese worry balls – often handled but never progressing beyond the palm of one hand (except to put them carefully back in their box) and yet………I have not given up on finding the answer to life and everything ( 42 isnt it?)and I know its got nothing to do with how I look or what I eat….this journey is spiritual and what a journey it is. In a world of instant gratification where striving for survival is often replaced by a never ending quest for ‘happiness’ (translates too often to self indulgence). I hope this doesnt sound depressing – Not meant to be. Has anyone seen Groundhog day? The story of my life without the happy ending. Or “As good as it gets’ another depressing movie with a happy ending (I want)…speaking of which ‘The Brady Bunch’ has alot to answer for. I’m hanging out for the ‘The Bucket List’ (AKA Feel the Fear and do it anyway before you die)Perhaps we can all gather some hope from that. Sorry for rambling. Craig, may I say that I think you are a very sweet, kind and insightful man. Thanks for caring. Big hug for you () Im still trying to figure you out but the more I know about you the more I like you xx
Hi hope-less
1. Sometimes you need to figure out what you DON’T want first, and work backwards from there…
2. Don’t try and figure me out too much.. I’m not that interesting.
3. Thanks for your kind words
( )
Amazing post, I used to make my life difficult, then wonder why it seemed so much worse than everyone’s around me..Being the ‘Personal Development Junkie’ that I was when I stumbled across your site I read pretty much every article, then applied all the relevant stuff and things have improved no end. Thanks Craig, from a chronic lurker
x
You’re at it again!
I am paralysed this very minute by indecision and fear. I know it and still cant do it. Whats that you say? – feel the fear then do it anyway? grrr
Cheers!
Well… I took this & ran….. I’ve been seeing this guy for a few months & we’ve been getting on fabulously & esp. when we went away for a weeks holiday, came home & nothing!! I got sick of it & thought I should ask some questions. He’s scared to get “burnt” in another relationship…. cant get heart broken…. scared… but is aware if he doesnt change his mindset he may grow to be a lonely old man. So I put it out there & said that I’m willing to give things a go & perhaps he should take a risk. Geez… I’m damn worth it. See how we go eh?
Thanks Craig. This post really stuck in my head & I didnt think I was going to leave a comment…. but I’m a blabber mouth! ha ha ha
Pet
xoxo
Hi Craig,I’ve read most of your articles and I have to say the question/comment I remember as having the most power is “HOW MUCH DO YOU WANT IT?”
And I recall that often, every time I doubt myself.
thanks
Tilly
Hi Craig,
as per usual you have hit the nail on the head!
I often find myself diving into lifestyle changes, only to thwart myself with thoughts/fears that friends will find these changes ‘obsessive’ and I guess the fear of being alientaed (alonside being weak & undiciplined) means I am yet to achieve a goal I’ve had for 5 years! comments from people I love like ‘I don’t trust people who don’t drink’ & ‘it’s all about moderation’ are part of what weaken my reolve. Is this just a weak excuse, probably. Your thoughts?
v
HI Craig,
Sometimes the biggest fear is looking in the mirror and allowing ourselves to love ME. It really is simple once we love ourselves, we believe in ourselves and finally we are able to get out the prison we put ourselves into. Unfortunately even for those who are free, the temptation at times to pop back behind the bars of prison(preceived safety) lures us back in. It is recognising this and knowing we can step out anytime we like -the choice is ours.
Gotta dash freedom’s calling ……
Cheryl
Hi Craig,
This is great stuff – I really needed this. I have been in a bit of a holding pattern for the last few months and since I read this, I have done 2 things I have been putting off for months (go me!).
Yes the fear is still there but the way I look at fear now is to view it as being a powerful source of energy. Instead of letting it hold me back, I am now harnessing this energy in a positive way to move foward with my goals.
Thanks Craig
Regards
Leanne Magraith
Hi Craig,
Brilliant post, sorry for the delayed response but at least i’m responding right?
This fear thing is HUGE and you know what it really shits me up the wall! Its insidious and its controlling. Enough to go out and slash it down?…probably not..i’m too fearful i might have a meltdown!Baby steps, baby steps…I wish I could say I was that brave because I do think it all comes back to courage (dammit, i know i’ve got balls tucked away here somewhere..) and self-belief, that Yes, I am (Good) Enough…its huge. If you possess that ‘rock’ of knowing within you, I do believe you can conquer anything…some people are blessed with it while others have to work hard for it but hey, we chip away and we chip away 
PS Love your work, only wish I got here more often.
Hi Craig!
I just read the article for the second time. Today I was completely paralysed by my fear, unable to make a decision; even when I tell myself that everything is going to be alright, and that I will do the right thing when I make a bold step forward, I still cannot do it. I know this is silly and stupid, but I get really frustrated over it.
I hope that I’ll be able to make the decision tomorrow.
I ran into your site when i did a search on ‘successful failure’. un-LOL. I am Glad I did. i am 44 years old, and I am fighting my demons as all who write. I was going to write this last night, but needed to think about things. You are right. We all seem to like the safety zone, although it is damaging overall. Courage is a very strong word, which is a bold step. This will give me steps on combating some fears. thanks for being there.