Circular Behaviour

Hi Guys. Long time no chat. Feels like it anyway. I hope this finds you happy, healthy and having some fun. The last month or so has been a pretty busy time for me away from the blogosphere, so I haven’t been commenting (on your comments) as much – but I read and appreciate them all. Even the weird ones. I’ve had a succession of tradesman at my place re-designing and re-creating my whole outdoor area and as a result, I now have an outdoor office in the form of an African hut – complete with some very cool furniture and a thatch roof – from which to conduct my mentoring sessions. Giddyup. I’m a little excited. The entire hut is surrounded by gorgeous bamboo trees so it’s an awesome vibe for chillaxing, chatting and learning. In the next week or so I’m going to write an article called “Creating Our Optimal Work Space” because I believe that where we work plays a big role in how we work. I’ll include some photos of my newly renovated space.

Anyhoozle, I hope this coming week is a fun one for you and that in the middle of the pre-Christmas mayhem you find some time and space to just… be. Remember, Christmas chaos is optional, not mandatory.

On with the show…

Do you ever feel like you’ve spent a great deal of your life…

1. Having the same (frustrating, pointless, destructive) conversations about the same issues with the same people?

2. Making and breaking the same promises (to yourself and others)?

3. Setting (but not achieving) the same goals?

4. Having the same arguments about the same issues with the same people only to produce the same outcomes (frustration, anger, disconnection, hurt, tears, resentment)?

5. Trying to deal with the same issues, habits and destructive patterns and behaviours only to find yourself back where you started or worse?

6. Losing and regaining the same weight?

7. Alternating between “in the zone” and “in the doldrums”?

If you’ve said yes to any (or all!) of the above, then you are a fully qualified practitioner of Circular Behaviour. I said so and I should know because I invented the term and the qualification. If you have a history of doing the same things the same way, only to find yourself producing the same undesirable outcomes, then you’re not only qualified but proficient. Perhaps it’s time for you to step out of that cycle of constantly returning to the starting line; or as is often the case, behind the starting line. . The truth is that while many of us know what we should do and why we should do it, we often struggle to turn the theory (of change) into practical, physical, life-long transformation. Which is why so many people are theoretical experts… who fail to deliver in the real world.  

By the way, that’s the key term for this lesson: life-long transformation. Forever. Permanent.

Temporary change is not what we want… but it’s what most of us produce. Think about all the things you’ve achieved – and then un-achieved over your journey. You’re not alone there. We’ve all done it but the question is: how do we stop doing it? Many of us have been on the slippery slope of same-ness for so long that, while we cross our fingers and hope we’ll succeed, on a subconscious level we actually expect to fail – because we’ve done it so many times before. If on some level we expect to fail, then (1) we probably will and (2) it’s not so painful when we do because we’ve kept our standards low and we’re emotionally prepared. Always the preserver and protector of self.

Here are some suggestions for breaking the cycle of Circular Behaviour:

1. Do different. Yep; use a different approach. Obvious but not universally embraced. We love familiarity and predictability. Unfortunately, that’s not where the growth lives. The number of people who keep doing the same thing over and over while hoping for a different outcome is staggering. Same produces same. Of course. I know many people who have had (essentially) the same arguments with the same people about the same issues for years… and then wonder why that person or that situation never changes! Maybe ten years of yelling, swearing, disagreeing and clashing with that person is a sign of something? Call me crazy. Yes kids, it’s true - if nothing changes, nothing changes.

2. Take a risk. Safe doesn’t produce amazing transformation. Safe produces under-achievement, frustration, disappointment and circular behaviour. Risk-taking is not about being reckless, it’s about being courageous and doing what most won’t – to get where most will never be.

3. Get uncomfortable. Being addicted to comfort is a sure-fire way to stay in the cycle of circular behaviour. When your default setting is comfort, you’ll always find yourself back doing what’s easy – as opposed to what works.

4. De-emotionalise the process. When our emotions manage us (instead of the other way around), we’ll invariably make poor choices, embrace counter-productive behaviours and react the wrong way. There’s nothing wrong with being a little strategic, logical and practical when it comes to designing and creating our best life. In fact, it’s necessary.

5. Start with you. The only person you can change is you, so why not start there? Stop wasting time and energy trying to change other people because invariably the only outcome will be frustration (for you) and resentment (for them). Consciously and unemotionally identify and acknowledge what and how you need to change. We’re all flawed – even you – and that’s okay. Now that we’ve cleared that up, get on with it.

6. Be realistic and practical. The number of people who are constantly waiting for “things to sort themselves out” amazes me. This is total stupidity and delusion. Life doesn’t get better, we do. Creating better results in our world is all about us. We don’t (and won’t) accidentally succeed; we design, create it, live it. Or we don’t.

7. Identify your triggers.  Identify the things which invariably see you sliding back towards the starting line. For example, it wouldn’t be a great idea for a (newly sober) alcoholic to put him or herself in a situation where they are surrounded by booze and boozey people. Obviously. Once we identify what typically triggers our backward march (and this will require some humility and honesty) we can then start to plan and behave accordingly.  

8. Commit totally. Total and non-negotiable commitment means finishing what we start – no matter what. Why do you always protect, and care for, your children? Why don’t you just do it when you feel like it? Or maybe when you’re not too busy? Or tired? Because your commitment to that ‘job’ is total and non-negotiable, that’s why. There’s a default setting (rule, belief, value, standard) in your cerebral computer which says that taking care of your child in a particular way, is not optional. Ever. Therefore the types of results you produce with your kids are linear, not circular. That is, (for the most part) they keep growing, learning, adapting, evolving and moving forward. Too many of us have almost got the job done far too many times in far too many areas of our lives. Total commitment means persevering even when the journey is not fun, easy, convenient or popular (with others perhaps). And even when it’s Christmas and New Year – and you feel you have ‘earned the right’ to consume your own body-weight in unnecessary calories (for example) .

So, now that you’ve read it, understood it and considered it, the obvious question is… what are you going to do about it?

Something, I hope.   xx

Let me know your thoughts… 

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