A Tough-Love Lesson from Mr Nasty Pants.

Nearly ten years ago I was on an overseas trip for a charity with one of my best friends, who happens to be a little older, a lot more spiritual and mostly, much wiser than me (not a big achievement). Anyway, during the course of a casual conversation, he shared a rather strong and insightful opinion on something close to my heart; me.

He offered some not-very-flattering feedback about yours truly; certain attitudes, behaviours and habits that he believed were holding me back and creating negative outcomes in my life. And being the defensive, precious alpha-male that I may have(!) periodically been over the years, I didn’t want to listen to, or accept, what he said; I thought he was an insensitive jerk and I quite rightly cracked the sads. Okay, that’s an understatement; I wanted to punch him on the nose. The feedback he offered was kind of blunt, honest and confronting for Mr. Funny Boy Craig. If we weren’t on another continent, I would have got in the car and left. So mature.

Me flawed?
Me issues?
NO!!!!

Anyway, I decided to leave Mr Nasty Pants on his own and go for a long solo walk. After walking for about half an hour, I sat down under a big old tree to wallow in my self-pity; to revel in my woe-is-me-ness. I parked myself up against the massive trunk of the tree, put my toes in the grass and shut my eyes. As I sat there in that beautiful setting (I was in Africa), a ridiculous thought popped into my mind, “what if he’s right… what if I am like that… what if that is how I come across to others?”

Don’t you hate it when the voice of reason and logic tries to impose itself on your moment of emotion and self-pity? “I’m happy in my misery, why did you have to show up?” If I was standing, I would have stamped my feet like a four year-old.

Deep down I knew Mr Nasty Pants was completely right about everything he said, but my ego, insecurity and pride wouldn’t let me admit that straight away. I didn’t want it to be true. It hurt too much. How could someone who loves me, say stuff like that to me? The irony being that it was because he loved me, that he shared those thoughts. Tough love indeed. I needed it. I didn’t want it, but yep, I needed it. I was deluded about certain things.

I sat under my tree for hours, thought and meditated deeply and then made the journey back with a different attitude. I apologised to Mr Nasty Pants and we spoke for an hour or so. For the first time in my life, I truly understood and appreciated the importance and value of listening to, and acting upon, constructive feedback and guidance from someone who’s in a position to offer it (no matter how uncomfortable it may be). Until that point in time, I had considered myself to be quite evolved and open-minded. I was kidding myself. I heard what I wanted to hear. That day I learned about hearing what I needed to hear.

I have since discovered that one of the biggest barriers to real personal growth (change from the inside out) for all of us, is our inability to accept genuine, constructive feedback (as opposed to mindless abuse), and then to do something positive with it. I often work with people who are inches away from greatness, but their stubbornness, pride and fear keep them in a holding pattern for years. Under-achieving and frustrated. I’ve also worked with many people with far less talent and ability who have achieved much more, in much less time, because of their willingness to listen and learn, no matter how uncomfortable the process was. Because we are largely emotional, reactive beings, this process (accepting constructive, informed feedback and using it in a positive way) will always be one of our biggest challenges.

Because I know him well (Mr Nasty Pants), trust him completely and totally respect him, I asked him probably the three most important questions I’ve ever asked anyone in my life. You might want to find a trusted friend (mentor, coach) and ask these tough questions yourself.

(1) What do I need to do specifically to address these issues? (The ones he brought to my attention) Once I got over myself and actually listened to what he had to say, it made complete sense. Yes, it was uncomfortable, but it was the truth. And no matter what, I wanted the truth. It’s hard to de-emotionalise things when we’re talking about us, but on some level, we need to.

(2) How am I perceived by most people? The truth is, more often than not we don’t know how we are perceived by others. We think we do, but we don’t. We’ve all met the guy who thinks he’s hilarious, while everyone else thinks he’s annoying. And the shy woman who’s perceived as a snob by her colleagues. Now, I’m not suggesting for one moment that we should obsess about what people think of us (that’s called insecurity), or try and be something we’re not (that’s just stupid), but what I am suggesting is that we have a greater awareness of how people typically see us. This requires us to move to a new level of consciousness and involves hard work, some humility and some honesty. This way we will communicate more effectively, resolve conflict quicker, have healthier and more productive relationships, be better at our job and consistently create much better outcomes in all areas of our life. And possibly, be less of a pain in the ass.

(3) How do I need to change/what do I need to do differently to be more effective in all areas of my life? The objective of this exercise is not to beat ourselves up but to learn, grow and become a better version of ‘us’. It’s about consciously, logically and strategically developing and changing for the better. Maximising our potential, our skills, our opportunities and our time. Simple.

I know that for most people, this is not a fun process or an attractive concept. In the world of ‘Personal Growth’, it’s probably the toughest thing to ‘sell’. After all, we’re addicted to the ‘feel good’ stuff; we hate that uncomfortable, confrontational stuff. I also know that most of you will avoid it, but for the few of you who do take up the challenge, it may very well be the most liberating, valuable and rewarding learning experience you ever have. It was for me. Thanks for the lesson Mr. Nasty Pants.

Enjoy your day.

Craig.

Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and my FREE Ebook!

Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.