Dear Parent Blamer,
Firstly let me say, stop it.
It’s pathetic and pointless. And for the rest of us innocent bystanders… very annoying.
To be completely honest, we’re sick of your whining, your complaining, your anger, your victim mentality and your inability to see that your current attitude (not some historical event) is your biggest problem. We’re also sick of you blaming your (current) bad behaviour on your parents. What’s standing between you and success right now is YOU. Not your folks, not your history… you. And the fact that you think THEY have sabotaged your life and are somehow responsible for your (current) stupid behaviours and less-than-desirable outcomes, wreaks of denial, immaturity and delusion.
Yes, we all get that your childhood, or parts thereof, sucked – welcome to the world’s largest club.
We also get that your old man was periodically a completely insensitive, uncommunicative *%#@* at times. Sadly, that’s what (many) fathers do. And yep, we know that your mother was a selfish cow that time when you were in the eighth (and ninth and tenth) grade; it happens.
Okay, let’s be honest and blunt… some parents are crap. And yes, many of us have been hurt – physically, emotionally and/or psychologically – by our parents. I am not suggesting that you deny your past, but I am suggesting that you don’t live there. It’ll kill you. In ten different ways. Some people have been inhabiting the seventies and eighties and re-visiting their childhood for the last few decades.
No matter how much you think your parents deserve your anger, vitriol and resentment, I’m telling you (1) it serves no positive purpose (2) it will hurt you more than them (3) stop being a big, immature, stupid baby and (4) you and only you, are responsible for your current reality – no matter what your parents have or haven’t done to you, or for you.
Even though you may have a very good ‘reason’ to be eternally pissed at your folks, I’m saying let it go anyway. Move on. And it’s not about what they do or don’t deserve; it’s about what you deserve. If you want to destroy your potential, your enthusiasm, your optimism and your hope, then become a chronic Parent Blamer. Hang on to that hurt, no matter what!
Or you could let me save you some serious time and pain and just believe me when I tell you that being a Parent Blamer is a pointless, destructive, pathetic waste of your potential and emotional energy. And if you’re not careful, a waste of your life. It will destroy you from the inside out. It’s true; some people will die angry, bitter, resentful and tortured souls because they never found a way to let go of the self-perpetuated – yep, read that clearly, self-perpetuated – misery. When you’re still desperately holding on to emotional crap from years ago, it’s YOU that’s the problem. When you’re twenty five, thirty five or fifty five and you’re still thinking, talking and behaving like a teenager who’s mad at their parents, you need a big reality check.
The only thing you can change about the past, is how you let it affect you now.
You may wanna read that again.
Over the years I have worked with people who have blamed their parents for everything from their poor communication skills, dysfunctional relationships, destructive habits and violent behaviours, to their fat body and poor eating habits. What!!! Do you not have a brain in your head? Are you incapable of independent thought? Can you not make your own decisions, choose your own behaviours and be responsible for your own existence? Surely you feed yourself these days? Surely you have some control over what comes out of your mouth? And surely you can choose to do, be and create different in your world.
Perhaps your parents taught you how not to be?
Let me say that I totally understand that your parents weren’t always what they should or could have been for you as a child (caring, supportive, forgiving, understanding, loving, available, guiding, honest). You have my sympathy and understanding but you’re not alone. You’re in a very large majority. The problem with parents is that they’re flawed and that whole ‘being human’ thing kind of gets in the way of parental perfection. If only parents were cyborgs.
Today’s article is the result of an inordinate amount of recent conversations I’ve had with people who are hell-bent on blaming their parents for every aspect of their own miserable and dysfunctional existence. Sometimes the vitriol, the anger, the resentment and dare I say, the absolute hatred, that people hang on to (for decades) amazes and saddens me.
The parental blame game is a slippery slope of self-pity, self-destruction and futility that’s played by far too many people to their own detriment. It’s a game you’re advised to avoid.
Hope this letter finds you well,
Craig.
Feel free to share your thoughts or to blame me for something. If you’re a reformed Parent Blamer I’d reaaaally love to hear from you. If you’re not sure how to do the comment thing, click here.
Ciao x
* Don’t forget my new kid’s book (The Angry Ant) is out now! Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and get my FREE Ebook!
{ 49 comments… read them below or add one }
Hey Craig, this letter made me laugh. I love the line “Do you not have a brain in your head? Are you incapable of independent thought?” LOL too funny.
I used to blame my parents for my weight (not directly…I do love em). Coming from a European background my mum would cook up absolutely yummy fatty oily meals. I had to learn as an adult what foods are healthy and what is not. Can I also point out that out of all my 4 other siblings I am the only one in my family that has a weight problem. Parents, they do the best they can.
My dear mum is also learning in her older age what foods are good for you, recently diagnosed with type 2 diabetes and in denial.
I used to blame my parents for my bad habits, but not my choices. Hope that makes sense. I know that everything I have done or not done is because of me. Which means when I lose almost 15kg, or run 4km in under 30 mins (YAY me!) its because of me, not them.
Again Craig, great letter.
xxx
Violeta (Melbourne)
I’ll admit straight out that I’m a reformed parent blamer. To reach this state of being I had to dig extremely deep within myself and vow to not allow myself to expend any energy working over the past.
I grew up with a mother who kept telling me that I nearly killed her at child birth and a stepfather, with undiagnosed bi-polar disorder, who was quick to criticise and humiliate me and claimed any success I had as his own. For the majority of my childhood, I saw my father only on the weekends, and from the age of 10 I had the responsibility of getting myself home by public transport on the Sundays. These journeys were filled with anxiety because I knew I faced another week of feeling unsafe at home with my mother and stepfather. Nothing like endless loud arguing into the small hours of the morning, night after night, to make one feel safe and valued.
When I finally broke away into adulthood I turned my back on my mother and stepfather to get myself some peace of mind. By this time my father had well and truly returned to his family in another state.
Just over a decade ago someone I was very close to took their own life. I had no emotional support from my parents and after my anger had subsided the following realisation hit me upside the head. I had given too much of my energy to poking and prodding the past – this had been a one way ticket to bummedoutsville.
A couple of years after the above event, I had met my future wife and I had finally trained my brain to not dwell and focus on the past. I created an excel spreadsheet to record each day that I stopped giving my mental energy to my parents. I no longer use this spreadsheet but I’m still mindful of not dwelling on the past.
The reality is that one can never go back in time and change the past – one can make a choice – to dwell on the past and keep dredging up the same old tired and worn out shit (and it’s all shit all of the time), or to accept that one has to move on. It’s a tough choice to make and it isn’t very easy because it may very well mean that you need to totally cut some family out of your life. My mother passed away just over four years ago and when my stepfather rang me at work three days after her funeral and started angrily trash talking my mother and I (after they had been apart for a decade and a half – they still held a world of bitterness and anger towards each other) – well it further solidified my choice to totally cut him out of my life and to never dwell on my past again.
I can spill out the above in this comment because I’m pretty comfortable with who I am these days. I’ve seen the light, and the dark (the parental blame game) is not somewhere to dwell.
Cheers,
Ben
P.S – Craig, I’m still waiting for a lighter post – I need to spin some one liners out.
Hi Craig….WOW!!!!
I gave up blaming my parents when I became responsible for myself…i.e working and supporting myself…My mum often says..I should have sent you girls to…..and I say well you didn’t and we can’t change that now.
I have never blamed my parents for where I am today, I love my parents to bits but know that at 46 I have been responsible for myself (and my kids heaven help them lol) for years. I ate myself fat….my mum has been worried about me for years but I had to come to the realisation myself…which thank god I finally did. I think mum blames herself for a lot and I am forever telling her to stop it.
I guess my two treasures will be blaming me for everything soon enough, they most probably already do lol. Should keep this post for them…mandatory teenage reading I think!!!
We are all grown ups, we can all own our faults!!!
Hugs
Chelle xxx
Bravo Craig!!!!!!!!
~
So many times I'd like to grab someone, give them a big crack over the head and say "Wake Up!!" You are ultimately in charge of your own life, your driving the bus. Yeah well mummy & daddy screwed up, oh well, we all do. The joys of being alive, of being human. If you don't make a mistake how do you learn (ok, we could read your blog!) I dont know one person that had a fairy tale child hood (have you read those fairy tales – scary). Make your life want you want it to be – if you want it to suck, then keep saying how much it sucks, if you want it to be great, tell everyone how great it really is. Love ya work!
Hi Craig,
Wow. When you vent, you really vent!
You’ve actually touched on one of my pet peeves here. There are only a few ways in which my childhood could have been worse and this disadvantaged me a little bit to begin with. However, there comes a time when you have to succeed DESPITE the lack of opportunities or support that comes your way. It’s about growing up.
You’re right, sometimes the only useful lesson your parents can teach you is how not to be. Over the years I’ve gone one step further and I’m actually teaching my parents how to be. Through example, I try to teach them about kindness, forgiveness, generosity, responsibility, selflessness and how a parent should love a child.
We all have our little insecurities and sensitivities from our formative years but it’s our choice whether or not we let the first 18 years of our lives determine all our years.
My grandmother died when she was over ninety and she was still hurt and bitter about how her father did not show her his love. Imagine carrying around that pain for a lifetime! Her father had been dust for years but she still chose to give him the power to hurt her.
Thanks for the great post. I know that my children will be blaming me for something when they’re adults but at least I’m doing my best! (Locking them in the car while I go to the casino is all right, isn’t it?)
hugs
EG xxx
Hi..
Im a parent blamer…
mostly cos its their fault!!
Move on you say…
How??
Lets start there hey?
Cheers
Friday.
x
OUCH! I have just arrived home from dinner with friends where I was recounting stories of how my parents had hurt me with their fat comments about me since I can remember (oh and they still do!). I can vividly remember the comments, nicknames, etc and how much it hurt …. then I log on to see if your post is up and WHAM!
I get what you’re saying about letting go of the past – but what do you do if it continues to this day and even when you point out to them how much their comments hurt they don’t hear it and continue to judge not only me now, but my husband and daughter on our size – when we’re an “acceptable” size all is good with the world, but low and behold if we’re carrying some extra kgs – all hell breaks lose and you never know what nasty comment (in the form of jibes/jokes/snide remarks) is going to come out next!
It’s got to the stage where when we go to visit them we take bets on how long and to whom the first comment is going to be made!
Nell
Ben, awesome comment, mate. You sound so centred and empowered .. you’re an inspiration for those of us willing to take responsibility for our own happiness.
I’m not going to comment much on this one – it’s a bit too recent and I don’t have Ben’s confidence in myself in this area quite yet. Suffice to say I didn’t blame them, as such .. more sort of held myself back from a full, loving relationship. I’m reformed now, which included the services of a brilliant psychologist who helped me identify the source of my issues, which led to understanding and ultimately forgiveness. Of both my parents and myself. Hmmm … rather sombre mood here.
Suz (Sydney)
Bitterness is like drinking poison and hoping the other person will die.
Sorry, can’t remember who said it.
Hahahahaha! Awesome Craig! Thanks!
I’ve been lurking here for a month or so (Stumbled Upon you recently!), and I love your attitude!
Were my parents perfect? Hardly! But I don’t hold it against them. Am I raising my own kids differently? Absolutely! Is this in reaction to how I was raised? Partly. Is it working? We’ll see when they have kids of their own! That’s the true test, when we find out how easy it’s NOT!
Granted, there are a few people in the world who deserve my utter hatred. However, they do NOT deserve the amount of attention and energy it would require for me to maintain that hatred! I’m not willing to waste those resources on people who make me feel bad about myself. I’d much rather use them to enjoy my life!
The truth is this: Shit happens. Given that, you essentially have two choices:
1. You can wallow in it, and you, and everything around you smells like shit, and nobody wants to be around you.
2. Or you can rise above it, and take control of your life from this day forward. After all, who wants to be controlled by a steaming pile of poo?
You can continue to use your past as fuel in your self-destruction, or you can use that same fuel to propel you into a better tomorrow. My dad always said ‘Success is the best revenge’! You reap all the benefits, and leave others stewing in their own shit!
So what’s it gonna be?
Sandy
Virginia US
Thanks Violetta – enjoy your day
Hey Ben – thanks for sharing your story… and yes, the lighter post is imminent!
And over-due!
We don’t need to beat ourselves up Chelle – just be honest, responsible and aware… ( )
Cheers NaomiWT… ( )
Yeah, sometimes I’m a little aah… straight forward EG – I’ve learned that alluding to something doesn’t work! ( )
Kids in the car…. probably not.
Hi Friday
It’s all about what’s happening above your shoulders and only you can control that – things only have the meaning and impact that you give them and allow them.
You need to WANT – really want – to move on.
“Happiness comes from letting go of that which makes you unhappy”
( )
Oh what in the Fritzl are you ON Craig?
Of COURSE it is our parents at the root of every single problem we have.
Are you SERIOUSLY trying to yank parental-dysfunction from my very impotent list of “reasons why I’m not always utterly perfect, that have nary a thing to with me actually being a friggin’ sooky la la” almanac*?
Well!!!
I see you coming mate. I have e-dished you the hairy eyeball! I don’t care how big your guns are! I am not giving away my favourite cop out this easily.
Never mind the fact that my childhood was idylic in every conceivable way. Pffft!
THEREIN NESTLES THE PROBLEM!!!
If my parents had made things a bit tougher, beaten me more, withheld affection or called me a fatty fatty pattycake** sometiimes, then I’d be better equipped to deal with The Real World.
Taaaa daaaaah! Aren’t I breath stealing??!! I’m like a pyschomological Houndini.
*Not sure if that makes sense cause I don’t really know what an almanac is, but it sounded good didn’t it??
**I’m not fat in the slightest
Nell
1. Stop being a parent-pleaser and stop giving them YOUR power and happiness. You DON’T NEED anyone’s approval. I understand it’s unpleasant but that’s not a reason for you to under-achieve or be unhappy.
2. Yes those comments are nasty and no, your parents shouldn’t do it – but you need to be bigger than that. If you wait for them to change and become ‘aware’ you might be ninety years old – bad plan.
3. Things only have the meaning YOU give them – we all have people that we are close to – who are also critical of us – it’s called the human experience. It’s not ‘fair’ but it’s more normal than you can imagine.
4. The only person you can control IS you. Your reactions, your words, your choices… your results…
5. I have had MANY critics – still do – I will succeed anyway. I will not give them my power, my potential or my happiness. I don’t need their permission, acceptance or approval.
6. If someone’s love for you, or acceptance of you, is conditional upon you looking a certain way or being a certain weight – do you really want it?
I wouldn’t.
But that’s me.
Forgiving is an act of liberation Suz… ( )
Hi Sandra – thanks for emerging from the shadows – nice to meet you and great comment.
Just what we needed Kitty; a little levity injected into the discussion. My very own cyber-Court Jester.
Not sure about the scientific or psychological merit of your hypothesis but loving the entertainment value and the thinking-outside-the-box (ness) of it all.
YES! GO CRAIG!
Just what I said to a friend yesterday….but you said it better!
After ceasing to blame my parents for MY life after about 30 years, the mind and heart are lighter.
A great post.
Kathryn
Been there,done that, moved on! Maybe some of us need to be parents to realise how difficult a job it is and forgive ourselves for being imperfect AS WELL AS forgiving our own parents’ short-comings. If you don’t forgive others, it’s not reasonable to expect forgiveness for your own human failings. As Craig implies: blame is an absolute waste of energy and potential – as is guilt.
Heal yourself, you cannot change the past, but you sure can move on to make your own best present and future. It’s a constant worthwhile challenge – I know .. () Edith
HI there Craig,
FANTASTIC letter!!! You are absolutley on to it. I have worked with lots of people too who have wasted an inordinate amount of time and energy dwelling in their childhood and parent hating. It truly amazes me, the number of people who chose blame over taking responsibility for themselves and whats going on in their lives.
Parents are not perfect and never will be. A large percentage of them are doing the best they can with what they know- how lucky are we that we can CHOOSE to do it differently if we want??? ( its called Contrast- you’ve been shown the way you DON’T want to parent)
I let go of being angry/ disappointed/ hurt etc etc with my parents in my late teens when I realised that the only one getting stressed about it all was me. The letting go of that angst and accepting them for who they were, was a very freeing experience and one which has taught me a huge amount about myself and was a great starting point for futher self development. As a parent now, I understand that its a tricky balance sometimes. Kids don’t come with manuals. I will and have made mistakes. These have then been talked through with the kids, so that they understand the difference between intention and outcome. I believe that generally parents intentions are good, its the delivery that can get mucked up.
Life is truly too short to spend time being unhappy, unfulfilled, sad …whatever. If its a problem do something about it, if not shut up and get on with it!!
Thanks Kathryn..
Wise words Liesl…
Hi Craig, I get the message thank you. My question is does the same apply if you are feeling held back by your partner as we are so different and if I tidy up, throw stuff out make moves towards my goals he takes it as an insult or blocks. I believe we should all get to the end of our lives having achieved our own success as indivuals as well as a couple. Is it me holding myself back? I’d like to do some-thing about it.
Hi Marita
Thanks for sharing your thoughts
( )
Hiya Craig,
While outlawing parent blamers, could we please expand that to children blamers, sibling blamers, partner blamers, ‘the guy at the office that looks at me funny’ blamers, government blamers, astrology blamers and just about anyone who can find some absurd reason to quit or fail or eat.
Have a nice Wednesday…..
Hugs,
Jo
Jo
Maybe we could simply not blame.
At all.
Yep
Craig, I have a suggestion for your readers in Melbourne. A two day course in emotional healing, which provides the tools for letting go of emotional baggage instantly. No psycho-analysing required… I did it this past weekend… an incredible course. http://www.thetamagic.com (and no, I have no affiliations with the two people who run it…!
Emma
Hi Julie
I don’t have time to explore this in detail now but on some level it’s probably you holding you back – yep, your hubby my be an influence or a factor in the process – but only you can really determine your future…
I love this post. I wish I had have read it about 15 years ago when I was stuck in full-on parent blaming. I probably would have reacted in defensive “who the f(**%$ do you think you are telling ME what to think” mode though, as I was completely caught up with blaming my parents for EVERYTHING that was wrong with my life.
For me, it lifted when I went and did a personal development course about 7 years ago and realised that it was all MY REACTION to my parents that made me miserable and fat….. this course took two days to cover what you just covered in your post
I guess the good news is that these days, there is nothing remaining with my folks – no simmering resentment or anger that I used to have. Lucky, cos my dad died about 4 years ago and I got to apologize to him and clear it all up before he died.
Life’s way too short to hold onto that stuff.
cheerio
Miss Jojo xxx
Ah, this is one of these posts that gets a second comment out of me. This part of Edith’s comment – “Maybe some of us need to be parents to realise how difficult a job it is and forgive ourselves for being imperfect AS WELL AS forgiving our own parents’ short-comings” is what has prompted this second comment of mine.
I had taken some steps towards forgiving my mother and stepfather but becoming a parent was the final catalyst in my being comfortable with finally forgiving my parents. Getting to forgiveness clears out the negative energy that one has been carrying around – so thanks Edith for your comment.
Thanks for putting it into perspective for me Craig, I really appreciate the advice … let’s see how I go at Easter when I get to see the folks next!
Nell ( )
Love this post. Having watched some close to me “allow” others to dictate their happiness, I firmly believe that I am the only one who is responsible for my well being and happiness. I must make the changes to improve myself, no one else can.
I found the piece thought provoking and at the same time it made my stomach turn a little with the anxiety of it all.
The comments ‘felt’ flippant.
I think I may have read it differently to others but I think Ben got it the same as I did.
My point is I think there is parent blaming and then there’s parent blaming and they really might be two different things.
I dont really wanna hear about how daddy never listened either but Im more concerned about never being taught how to handle anything, having abandonment issues etc etc because daddy took us for a visit, dropped us to a foster home and never came back.
Its not altogether true that yr parents teach you how to NOT parent. Its a cycle and if they taught you nothing, how do you know??
I might’ve gone somewhere else with all this but honestly, id just like to be acknowledged so I CAN move on.
Thanks to Ben for sharing, it gives me hope.
Cheers
Friday
x
P.s – My t-shirts look great!!
There isn’t much I blame my parents for. But here is one conversation you must NEVER have with your folks. The “don’t you understand I’m trying to eat healthy? Why do you keep buying cakes/bikkies/icecream – you’re making this harder than it needs to be for me.”
I’ve had that conversation a bunch of times. It only ends in tears (for me). YES YES YES – it’s not about my parents OR the food my parents buy. It’s about ME and the CHOICES I make.
Jules (Melbourne – the ex-Brisbanite)
Good for you Miss Jojo ( )
Cheers Planning Queen
)
Where’s our photo of you in your shirt Friday?
R U in Melb yet Jules?
I certainly am Craig
I unlocked the door to my-best-life about an hour ago.
Hey Craig ! I spent several years being the blamed parent, not because of anything I’d done, but because one of my daughters wandered off on the wrong path and lost herself. She “needed” someone or something to blame (according to the counsellor she was seeing) and I became the target… one of them, at least. We went through some really rough times, but at my 60th birthday party a few weeks back (still don’t believe that number… I’m 17) when it came to speech time and my kids were asked if they wanted to say a few words, she took the microphone and told about 80 people “I was pretty rotten to Mum for a while there, thought she wasn’t much of a mother, but since I’ve had these two little monsters (her kids)I’ve realised that Mum did a pretty darned good job, and here we all are standing up here together as proof of that”. Wonderful moment !!
On the other end of the scale, her father (my ex) likes to blame her for his woes. At a semi formal family gathering on Sunday, he approached me after seeing the seating arrangements, asking “Did you know they put us (him and his wife) on the same table as T ?” (daughter). I wanted to say “grow up” or “think yourself lucky you were invited” or some such comment, but I just smiled and said “No, I didn’t know that”. Daughter handled it beautifully… she sat at the table to eat, chatted with everyone else at the table and avoided any unpleasantness by circulating amongst all the other tables when she wasn’t eating. She had a great time, as did 130 or so other guests, but I’m not sure about him. Then again… why should I care ??!! Best thing I ever did, getting rid of him !!!
{{HUG}}
Tina
Hi Craig. Loved this article – I used to be a parent-blamer but after much effort and support was able to overcome and move on. Worth all the effort, pain and courage.
A related area I would be interested to read your perspective on, and one common to many women, is the emotional response after divorce that finds many women ‘letting themselves go’, gaining weight, so as to become ‘invisible’ to men, ie, not attractive, non sexual,unnoticed. I know this has to do with fear of being hurt again or rejected and has to do with low self esteem, etc. Still, I think a lot of women could relate to this topic and it would be great to read your thoughts.
Thanks, Craig. I love and look forward to your site so keep up the good work.
Cheers,
Barbara
Hi Craig
I found your letter interesting and for me it was timely as I’ve decided the physical and emotional abuse I was subjected to wasn’t going to hurt me any more. However I know that serious abuse (see asca.org.au) can actually change brain chemistry etc. I know of someone who was abused so badly that they have PTSD.
You’re right that we control our life from now on but please don’t minimise the serious effects of childhood abuse. There is a difference in someone blaming their parents for imagined or minor shortcomings and someone dealing with the results of abuse.
Please keep challenging those of us who are copping out on taking responsibility for ourselves but have some compassion for those who may have challenges that many of us could not have coped with.
I look forward with interest to further letters.
I am a parent and I believe in God and it absolutely says in the bible that your parents are at fault for the way you become and yes you can change it by seeking God, but it is hard and takes time. Sounds to me like you are just feeling guilty because there was a lot of anger in your letter. I’ll pray for you.
i would like to say something…i was in a marriage for almost 32 yrs…i was left a 2 page 8×10 blame note from my ex…..i did it all wrong….anyways,after almost 4 yrs,my ex still tells my kids how much of a cow i am….my daughter lives far away,and cuz daddy cant send her money ,she calls me wanting help with rent cuz shes goin to school,etc,etc….i dont have it either,but blames me for her dad being broke….cuz he has to pay spousal….she is furious at me,cuz im taking daddy’s money….i need some opinions,please….
Your ex has taught your daughter to be a bully just like him. The money that the courts have decided he has a responsibility to pay you is for your support and I doubt that it either a large amount or more than he can afford. Stop being their victim and dont feel guilty. You can tell your daughter that you love her and are interested in her and her life but it is time she accepted full adult responsibility for her life just as you are. Tell her simply that you do not have spare money and she should not be asking for any. Suggest she whine to her father and save the phone bill. I am sure you did not get it all wrong but they would like you to believe that you did because it absolves them from blame. Be the strong woman that you know you are.