Hi Everyone. Happy Easter (almost). This will be my last post until next Tuesday so drive carefully, be safe, have some fun, find your ‘off’ switch, do your best not to consume your own bodyweight in chocolate and, most importantly, try not to miss me too much. I know it will be tough for both of us (you and me) emotionally but I think our relationship is now mature enough to cope. I love how we’ve grown. 
On a less ridiculous note: I will announce the winners of free stuff (from yesterday’s post) next Tuesday so keep those pearls of wisdom rolling in…
Smart and Stupid at the Same Time
I’ve spoken before about human intelligence being a multi-dimensional thing and today I thought we’d take a brief look at, what I believe to be, one of the most important and valuable components of overall intelligence: Social Intelligence. Some people are very intelligent (capable, competent, efficient) when it comes to completing certain tasks but surprisingly inept (dare I say, stupid?) when it comes to others.
You know what I mean.
This Piece Goes Where?
Some people might suggest that I’m reasonably intelligent when it comes to writing, communicating and expressing my ideas but if those same people saw me trying to put together a piece of DIY furniture and understand the accompanying instruction sheet, they might (reasonably) conclude that I am, in fact, an idiot. It’s probably fair to say that my mechanical intelligence is low. Actually, no, low would be a significant step up.
And if those same people saw the quizzical (confused, lost, stupid) look on my face in any movie with a plot more complex than Porky’s Revenge, they’d probably realise that their initial assessment was spot on. It’s fair to assume that I won’t be recruited by the FBI, NASA or MENSA any time soon. Sadly, I’m often confused and asking stupid questions before the opening scene has finished.
Yep, smart comes in all shapes and sizes. Sometimes you won’t realise how smart somebody is until you’re stuck on an island with them and they build you a house, catch you some fish and save your life all before sunset. This might also be the same person who struggles to spell or calculate simple equations.
IQ Tests
When most of us talk about measured intelligence we are generally talking about a score someone has achieved completing, what we know as, an IQ test. While a score from an IQ test can tell us a little about a person, there’s far more that it doesn’t tell us. And quite often the information an IQ test doesn’t provide is exactly what will make the difference between success and failure (depending on the task, of course).
We all know at least one person who, if required, could write a quick overview of quantum physics in ten minutes (in three languages) yet would struggle to walk into a social setting and engage a stranger in casual conversation. Neither would they get your joke or know when they’re pissing someone off. And if they had to do something complex like change a baby’s nappy(diaper) (1) they’d panic and (2) they’d have to Google it.
While there are several definitions for Social Intelligence, what I’m talking about today is our ability to interact effectively with other people in a range of settings, situations and circumstances. Following are some indicators of a person’s level of social intelligence.
How do you rate yourself on the following?
- Being an active listener.
- Reading and responding to non-verbal cues – keeping in mind that the majority of our communication is non-verbal.
- Being able to create connection and build rapport.
- Reading situations and people in those situations.
- Knowing what is and what isn’t appropriate for that conversation and that moment.
- Being able to avoid and, when necessary, resolve conflict.
- Making others feel valued, respected and appreciated.
- Knowing when to say nothing.
- Knowing how to start a conversation.
- Assessing the feelings of others and understanding a perspective other than your own.
- Demonstrating humility.
- Being able to hold a conversation with someone with whom you have nothing in common.
- Being able to adapt your communication style for your audience (individual or group) in terms of language, vocabulary, volume, speed and content.
- Being able to motivate, inspire and empower others.
The Right Person for the Right Job
Since I started my business (just after the last ice-age), I’ve employed somewhere in the vicinity of four hundred people. When I’m interviewing prospective staff I always rate people skills, communication and social intelligence above academic intelligence on the employability scale. Of course I want knowledgeable, qualified and technically competent staff but I’m acutely aware that those three ingredients don’t automatically equal a great trainer, teacher, coach, motivator or employee. It’s my experience that people with a high level of social intelligence are well suited to (the numerous) careers which involve significant face-to-face contact and social interaction.
Over the years, I’ve met, worked with and employed many people who have had limited technical knowledge (to begin with) and basic qualifications yet they constantly produced great results, built fantastic relationships and were always in demand because they simply had a high level of social intelligence. They were smart where and when it counted. They had excellent awareness, empathy, insight, understanding and overall people skills.
A Different Education
How great would it be if our school kids were part of an educational system which not only valued and taught the academic basics (mathematics, sciences, humanities), but also one that held the development of their social and interpersonal skills in the same esteem? If this were to happen, I believe our kids would come out of school much better prepared for the practical realities and challenges of life beyond the classroom. Imagine if they had the choice of elective subjects such as communication, conflict resolution, leadership, emotional intelligence and relationship building 101… just to name a few.
Very cool.
I might build that school.
Let me know your thoughts on this topic.
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Ye, schools dont teach basic stuff like comunications skills, life skils and other such practical skills. Most of the subjetcs/things taught in school are so marks oriented…..which help one to get gud admission in a gud university but having less relvance with real life.
I only have a question here….is social intelligence a learn-able skill? or is it a human trait – some have it, some don’t. In my various quests for answers what I found was that people with high social intelligence were generally more successful that people with less or people that had just the smarts.
Craig,
Brillant post. I have always thought there is too much emphasis on IQ tests.
Sue
Here here to your thoughts on the Education System.
I have always found academics and lecturers to be lacking in social skills.
Build it and they will come………..great idea. That would be such and awesome school and I would like to employ the kids coming from that school on my team.
cheers
Jen
This article perfectly illustrates ideas I have had about education for the last 15 years.
To me, social intelligence and common sense are closely aligned. Meaning, if a person has good common sense then her or she is more aware of the environment and circumstances around them.
By the way, I’m all for work-place and school training for this important life skill.
Alex
[...] Social Intelligence [...]
This is a great read; now we just need an article with a step by step guide on how to improve your social intelligence.
I guess like so many things Craig, the modernistic approach places way too much prominence on ‘education’.
Are there any programs for developing the emotional and social intelligence skills of kids and teenagers? Ramesh
Hello Craig. Found you while searching on one of my favourite topics Social Intelligence. If you have some time take the opportunity to read a book by Daniel Goleman called Social Intelligence. He also wrote a book called Emotional Intelligence, which made the New York Times bestseller list.
Hi Craig. Just wanted to let you know I was at your appearance today at the RACV Club. It was the best lunch we have ever had there
Hiya Craigo,
Can mature-age students enroll in your school?? Because crikey … I think I need your classes! I am, as you may say, socially stoopid, conversationally retarded and non-verbal communicationally stunted. Yep, I’m well aware of my short-comings. I may be at school for a while. I hope there’s no maths involved … (hate, hate).
Em
( ) x
How great would it be if our school kids were part of an educational system which not only valued and taught the academic basics (mathematics, sciences, humanities), but also one that held the development of their social and interpersonal skills in the same esteem?
happens at the school I go to & it’s a state school that got a caning on stats for the NAPLAN
Yes Craig,
I also believe schools(especially in the U.S) have metaphorically “dropped the ball” when it comes to teaching social skills. What about teaching social skills as pertaining to marriages? Most marriages end up in short order divorces, due ,in part, to bad communications.
I wish a new breed of schooling would emerge and re-vamp the whole system .Schools are all out to ram and cram what appears to be hollow, empty heads with dates and definitions of things we never seem to need or use. I heard it said that learning is what’s leftover after we have forgotton everything that we heard. How true.
Best,
rene’
Happy easter Craig, CJ, Kate et al
I agree with you post, but I don’t agree with anon saying the modernistic approach places too much prominence on education.
I lack people skills so what can I do about it? I hate people – not in the violent way, but give me a place where I am all alone and I thrive.
However, you point about school kids learning social intellegence etc – brilliant idea.
Schools that focus on social intelligence and wellbeing …. mmmm, they are out there! Difficulty is the pressure from government, parents, society in general to produce ‘results’ ie high scores on tests, high grades etc. Most teachers would tell you the wellbeing of the child is the KEY factor to success in life and schooling. What is the role of the parent / family in that though? Is it really the responsibility of the school??????
This reminds me of my friends younger sister.
Incredibly smart girl, studied at uni, and now works in some form of genetic engineering (Too smart for me to even know what it is she does!) – Totally socially and common-sensically (yep, thats a word!) inept.
In the space of one weekend, this girl borrowed her mums car, overtook on the wrong side, and surprise surprise – broke it.
No one harmed, but she honestly didnt – and still doesnt – understand what she did wrong.
She then proceeded to borrow my mates pushbike to ride to a party (as she had no car now, and hell no, was anyone going to lend her another one!!).
On the way to the party she had to stop at an intersection……this is where it gets funny……this university educated incredibly intelligent girl FORGOT TO PUT HER FEET DOWN when the bike stopped.
I think we all know what happened next.
Sometimes all the intelligence in the world cannot help the human race survive.
Ok, Craigo, I get your point but, really, you want school teachers to teach children about interpersonal skills? School teachers? One of the most socially inept, eccentric, borderline psychotic, sheltered, out-of-touch-with-the-real-world group of people in the country? And they’re the good ones.
Some teachers are awesome (mainly the ones who haven’t spent thirty-six years at the same school) and I have the utmost respect for primary school teachers. However, most young teachers (anyone under say, fifty-five) would be able to describe the challenges of dealing with the stunted emotional development of their older colleagues. It’s not pretty.
My point? You may need to teach the teachers first. That would be cool.
Christina xxx
Be inspired rather than motivated. I read a great quote about this in a women’s fitness magazine about the difference between motivation and inspiration and it really clicked for me, it’s such a slight change in mindset but makes all the difference. Being motivated for most people can come from being scared of something or being outside of one’s comfort zone, either way, it comes from a negative angle rather than a positive one (even though it does prompt positive change). The thing is, when an individual gets back in their comfort zone (their jeans might fit once more) or they don’t feel scared anymore (their blood pressure may have decreased) it can prompt the individual to think “ok, cool, did it, i’ll stop now as i’m feeling good.” which can lead to momentary results that may not be sustained. Then if we look at an individual that is inspired by something, they’re looking at it from a positive angle such as “I’m inspired by my friend that turned their life around and i want to do it too”. so the difference is this person is fuelled by the positive thought rather than the negative thought of being scared or uncomfortable and often people that are inspired continue rather than stop as they find something else that inspires them. If the person feels positive from the get go, chances are they will hit their goals sooner based on their positive mindset. So if i’m not feeling it sometimes, i think about something inspiring rather than motivating which helps me get back on track faster.
I’ll help build that school Craig!
Because the focus is on IQ at school it’s upto parents to instill EQ into children. Many don’t have the knowledge & they say that they don’t have the time, so it is an important skill (EQ) that should be taught at schools as it’s far more important than academic results.
It’s becoming more obvious nowdays…
Clare, Daniel Gorman’s book is great & I’ve read a few times.
I completely agree with you Craig, my daughter’s school is addressing this and has an excellent programme in place this year. Google “the Rite Journey” .
I totally agree (with the school idea) Social Intellengence is something that I have felt the need to really work on myself (not that I’m socially inept just a little shy really) but I believe something like what you suggested in schools would have been great for someone like me.
Good Morning Craig
I thoroughly enjoy your daily postings – in fact the influence of your emails has made an impact on my lifestyle – thank you – but today I am motivated to comment and endorse your last paragraph “A Different Education” thank goodness awareness is now out and about – where were you when I was seeking this type of education – great to know there is more hope for our future students – thank you for your awareness and wish you well with support to validate implementation of these very important “elective” subjects.
Enjoy your Easter Break and look forward to future postings – excellent – thank you.
Regards
Carole
Why, oh why is the teaching of interpersonal skills the job of our schools? What about parental responsibility, for heaven’s sake? Almost every school I have ever worked in has had some sort of self-esteem, personal/ social skills/community awareness and responsibility program. These were integrated throughout the curriculum and were excellent. But if the idea that showing love, empathy and support for one another is an important part of being a happy adult was not backed up by parental behaviour or support it is a waste of time! And it is impossible to teach common sense, in my opinion; some folks have it and others don’t!
Hey Craig !
Build that school and I’ll send my grandkids there. Heck, I may even enrol myself !
Have a safe and happy Easter weekend !
{{HUG}}
Tina
The school I work at incorporates some of the things you’ve mentioned, Craig. Like conflict resolution, managing conflict, even public speaking, leadership skills. These are all incorporated into activities, instead of being taught separately. I run 3 small groups each week on social skills and other teachers run some small groups and some individual sessions. So some areas of the school system are definately developing in these areas. Cheers.
I don’t think they are skills that can be taught at school. You make the point in your article that you’d employ someone with good social intelligence over someone with academic skills – why’s that? I’d say because you can teach someone technical skills far easier than you can teach them social skills!
I’ve worked in jobs where courses like conflict resolution and assertiveness training are compulsory and have found they make little difference in people’s behaviour.
Quantum physics in 10 minutes – that gave me a chuckle. I’ve found that intelligence is definitely not enough. Intelligence is very good, but action and practical real life application is just as essential if not more.
Im glad you rate this. Totally agree with social and emotional intelligence, they probably cross over!
As they say a person will never remember what you say but how you made them feel, and everyone ones to feel important.
Cheers Kate
I think that social intelligence is something that is nurtured, some parents teach it automatically, some don’t know how to, or don’t bother. Some parents push their children to be high academic achievers, some don’t. My husband asked me to help him with it 20 years ago when we were dating as under-grad students, and I’d say he’s only just now got the degree of “social intelligence” he should have been taught my his parents, but wasn’t!
Hello Craig,
I stumbled across your website through an article you wrote for lifehack.org today that I connected with. What you described was something of an existential breakdown of all things once known and I thought it would be interesting to see what other kinds of writings you do. I’m 25 and have gone through my own existential reformation over the past 5 years or so and thought I’d give my ideas to bounce off people here. But enough of this getting to know me BS and on with some thoughts.
1. It seems as though (many times) people are a reflection of what they spend their time focusing on. I know many people who are socially inept and are obsessed with their problem but are not focusing on the right things that can help them actually get better. I think the list you’ve provided is a good starting list to allow people who have trouble figuring out how to be more liked (socially) see some things to focus on that can give good results.
2. The real debate of this article comes down to the importance of social intelligence on a grand scale (such as school reform). However, that would take a while to discuss the weight that social intelligence holds in the teaching of our students vs. all of the other forms of intelligence. I would personally lean towards a more balanced role of education as a whole but I don’t know enough to make the assertion that it should definitely be one way over another. Perhaps it’s better socially (on the largest scale) to be concentrated on results in certain areas because it might allow for greater growth of a society as a whole…but I guess it depends on what you define to be good for people and society but I don’t want to get in a philosophical argument here.
3. Long story short, I think people should have the freedom to learn what they would like to, within reason. A balanced teaching approach with younger children with the ability to specialize as they grow older is a pretty good system and somewhat close to what we have now. It would be good to be able to have a solid foundation in social intelligence because it allows for good communication and business but communication and business relations is not what life is all about. Life is so diverse and there are so many exciting things we can take on as individuals. There is a place for social intelligence just as there is a place for nuclear physics, just as there is a place for construction.
4. You can trade off your skills as long as you don’t limit yourself to caged in thinking and you can always put in the time and effort towards a new skill in order to acquire it. (as long as it’s possible physically)
So, it was nice to get off my chest, I’m going to be starting my own blog/website soon so I hope you don’t mind if I get a little practice in with this writing. Please feel free to condemn, criticize, and complain, I will try not to do the same back to you; but seriously, I do appreciate constructive criticism. Cheers.
Hi Guys – thanks for all your insights and ideas – love it.
Hello to all our Newbie Commentors – thanks for dropping by and sharing..
And to you Jesse, you make some great points and you write very well so get that blog up and running! Let me know when it’s up and I’ll take a peek.
I think school needs to be more like Kindergarten.
At Kindergarten the priorities are on :
- establishing relationships (sharing/taking turns/manners and participation)
- gross motor skills (developing the ability to run, throw, catch, ride a bike etc)
- enjoying life (painting, singing, dancing – learning whilst having fun)
If you are innterested in knowing more google the phrase “All I ever needed to know i learned at Kindergarten”