“Some people spend their lives chasing acceptance and approval but all they find is misery.”
Does that sound familiar? Have you done a little too much chasing over the years? Is it time for you to let go of the destructive habit of seeking the acceptance, approval and even permission of others? Perhaps you’re good enough all by yourself? Perhaps you should stop giving away your power? Perhaps in the letting go you’ll find the only acceptance you need: self-acceptance.
Try this:
“I approve of me.”
Liberating, huh?
An interesting phenomenon about us often-insecure creatures becomes apparent when someone is liked by ninety-nine people and disliked by one. Guess which ‘group’ will have the biggest impact on that person’s mental and emotional states? Is it the one detractor or the ninety-nine fans?
You know the answer.
Why? Because (1) on some level we have an unhealthy and unrealistic desire for universal approval and acceptance (that crap will wear you out) and (2) we have an uncanny knack of finding a needle of negativity in a haystack of hope. And then, we focus all of our misplaced attention on that teeny-tiny needle. We ignore the considerable good while finding the bad. Dumb plan. And a poor investment of our emotions.
Of all the human drivers, the desire to be wanted, loved and, of course, liked is near the top of the list. And while that desire is completely understandable – normal even – it becomes a problem when the want becomes a desperate, unhealthy and irrational need.
Here’s the scoop: not everyone will like you and that’s okay.
For your own health, it needs to be okay. When it’s not, you have an issue. Get comfortable with the concept and your head will be a much healthier place to visit. Perhaps there are people who enjoy universal approval and have zero detractors but I’m yet to meet one. And I won’t hold my breath.
Some suggestions:
1. Don’t compromise yourself in order to be liked. You might be liked by others but you’ll be loathed by yourself. Don’t work at being popular, work at being you. It’s a lot easier and requires a lot less energy and acting.
2. Identify your core values – the things that are most important to you – and live a life in alignment with those values. That way you are being your authentic self rather than trying to satisfy somebody else’s needs, expectations, values, demands and rules. When your decisions and behaviours are a reflection of your core life values, you will be living a life of authenticity and the ‘need’ to be liked will be a non-issue.
Ciao x
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{ 22 comments… read them below or add one }
wow, thanks so much for this message: very timely for me. This morning I feel lonely and NEEDY
Sad thing is, I have a lot of family and friends who love me…dumb. I’m not worried about everyone liking me, I just want the people who DO like me to tell me more often, I guess. That’s a lot of pressure, huh! I always look forward to your no-nonsense, “just-shape-up!” messages. I’m confident I’ll be better (eventually)! You’re right, saying “I approve of me” feels great & liberating! 
Thanks Craig.
x
Kaz
Perfectly timed message as always, Craig.
I needed that reminder today. Thanks.
Hi Craig,
I am constantly astounded by the amount of people who appoint themselves as ‘judges’ of others. They sit up there on the bench of their ‘high court’ and believe that it is their job to pass judgment on all that come before them. Who the hell appointed them? And why the hell do we take any notice of them and their opinions, judgements and advice on who we should be? Why do we so readily accept their views on whether we are ‘accepted, liked or approved of’?
We all deserve an equal place in this world and we all have our own things to contribute. Life isnt about hading our personal power over to others so that they can hop in our drivers seat, shove us in the back seat and steer us in the direction they want us to go in. Dont let them. Get back in the drivers seat, shake off the unnecessary need for their approval and start living YOUR life.
We only have a limited time here….make it yours….own it and stop relying on false external approval. You will love it
Wonderful as always Craig mwah!
We seek approval because we attribute our happiness to external events and on the perceptions of others. If your beliefs about yourself are destructive then trying align with your core values may not be effective Change your beliefs and you will change your behaviour…
So true. I always try to live by “if you like yourself then everything around you will be better”. When I was younger it was sooo important for me to fit in (and I was always stressed, miserable and sometimes depressed trying to make people like me) It was only when i figured out that I did not want to be like everyone else and did not like the person I had become that I was at peace with myself. The (true) friends I have now are always there when you want to catch up and they really care – be yourself and others that are like minded will gravitate towards you :-}
Craig,
Two great posts back to back. I am still trying to stop being a dickhead from your last post!!
It is very difficult to stay true to yourself in this world with all the Dale Carnegie “How to win Friends and Influence People” style of “success” teachings out there. This usually applies in a business context, but we are taught to say the right things, look the right way, drive the right car, look for and respond to the right cues from people. Why? So that they will like us, we will fit in, and perhaps we can make money from them!!
Nowhere in this nonsense does it say to be yourself and it will all be ok? We are taught to model the behaviours of succssful people and even to hang out with “successful people” and see how they act so that it might rub off on us. In doing so we are really being taught that we are not enough just as we are.
There is fine line between modelling “good and healthy” behaviours and losing your own identity along the way. Can someone explain that one?
Thanks for the sanity, an appreciative dickhead:-)
Hi Rich,
I was just thinking about your question…there is no reason why you cant model good and healthy behaviours and not still be yourself. I think its great to have role models or mentors who you look to for guidance or support however it does not mean that you are trying to BECOME them, you are taking different bits and pieces from their experiences to LEARN more about yourself and how that can help you tap into your OWN potential.
Hope this helps?
Yes, that’s me, I sought approval and acceptance but got walked over and lost my self-respect. Still trying to get it back.
One thing, and I don’t mean this as a mental illness issue, but there is no doubt as you say things such as I approve of myself, it is liberating but, (this is the needle of negativity in the haystack) the self-talk will drag you back. I say it and I think but hang on that’s not true. That is the key for me, to keep going.
Some people think i’m a loser. I’m not, i’m just not interested in being f***ed in the a***. If not caring for their approval makes me a loser then i’ll proudly wear a big freakin ‘L’ on my forehead for the rest of my life. Sometimes i wish i had a t-shirt with a picture of a middle finger flipping the bird. I’d wear it all the time. I’ve only got one shot at this (life) i can’t afford not to be myself.
ange
I wonder if we seek the approval of others to convince ourselves that we are likeable. If cool trendy people like me then does that mean I am a cool person too? If no-one that I admire likes me is that because I am a failure? Its all too depressing to think about.
AGREED! To add, I find that we are often worried about what other’s are thinking, but when you take a step back, those people are just worried what you are thinking.
I like to even rule out the “they are judging me” aspect, because in reality, others are screaming the same thing in their heads. When I remind myself that, that is when I feel even more powerful.
Great Post!
Great contributions guys – thanks.
I tend to follow that advice pretty closely in my life, but its great to be reminded, to be reinforced within, thanks Craigos! If I perceive that a person\s ,may be taking a “less than shiny” view of me, myself, the other me
….my behaviour!….I just have a little chuckle to myself and queitly sing them a little song…a hymme actually, it goes…”f**k him, f**k him, f**k him, f**k him da da da da da da”….as long as I know I am working within my moral compass, to be able to dismiss other “peasants” so comfortably and with comedy, really is the silver lining to the “human cloud” they are lol (after reading…some may interpret my comments to be somewhat, obtuse, abrupt, disrespectful! If so… please…if you will permit….I shall sing you a hymme!!! 
lol
Cheers
Az
And I like these……
Today I saw
I ate
I received
I did for me
I did for someone else
I found funny
I love your final point which states to live life according to your highest values. I think this is a very important concept for people to recognise and the reason it goes on unrecognised is
1)They don’t know what is important to them
2)They think that what is important to others should be important to them
Learning what your highest values are and building your life around that, make life feel more flowing and natural.
Thanks for the great post!
Ahhh… but have you met those people who take it to the other extreme? The ones who say “this is all about me and my rules and if you hate me then that’s fine. I’m not doing this to be liked”.
A lot of racist, sexist, bigotted, paranoid swine push the line “this is how I am and everyone else has a problem”. These people know they are disliked and wear it as a badge of honour. They don’t distinguish between people they just don’t get on with and people they offend or are cruel to.
Sometimes it can pay to consider why people don’t like you. The guy at work who I just don’t click with but we both just get on with our jobs and live with our incompatability, or the woman I’ve never met who can’t stand me because her husband was my boyfriend ten years ago. Ok, these people have acceptable reasons not to like me (if a bit insecure in the second case) and there is nothing I can do or should do. If I spent time trying to be liked by these two then I’d waste my time and theirs.
But what about the girl in the testing team at work who was kind of freaked out by me and even seemed a bit scared? She did not like me. Why did she feel that way? I could say “this is how I am and I’m not going to behave differently to make her like me”. But I didn’t.
I sat down and asked myself why? What is it that could cause her to apparently dislike me? Do I misunderstand her behavior or does she misunderstand mine?
Once I worked out that my direct style of dealing with people was a bit too confronting for her very social but timid style we both got on a lot better. I might be happy being asked “Jen, give me your monthly report” but she needs “Kathy, hi how are you? Busy weekend coming up? Yeah, me too. I’ve got some serious sitting on the sofa planned. You know that report we talked about last week – could I have a copy when you get a moment?”
And now I understand her better I don’t think she is scared of me or dislikes me when before I’m pretty sure she did.
So the moral of my longish story? Don’t dismiss people who don’t like you as having a problem. Think about what it is you might be doing that could be causing them discomfort and if its something you are happy to change and you would personally benefit from changing, then do it.
Don’t buy a bigger car or go out drinking with the boys when you don’t want to just to be liked, but do use others’ apparent dislike of you or what you are doing as an opportunity to reflect.
I was at a smallish gathering the other day socialising quite well,
My core value is I dont do Alcohol because when I was younger the “Dickhead” posting was me allover. So there was several forms of alcohol being consumed and some one offered one to me , Politely I declined, it was offered again, politely I declined. again it was offered I replied “I dont do Alcohol!” you could have heard a pin drop, Did I just paint LEPAR on my forehead? I dont care. Its my value and I am not after other peoples need to be the same
What an amazing story Jen.
You are so right: we tend to think that when other people don’t like us there is obviously something wrong with them.
Your story has made me more aware of my part in the whole process, and in future I will check out my behaviour towards others before making assumptions. Thank you.
Hi Craig,
I was that person needing approval by my in-laws. From the start they never wanted me to marry their son because they believed I wasn’t good enough. So for the first 14 years of my marriage I constantly tried to prove myself and did everthing for them, as if I were their daughter. Mind you they already had an older daughter who did nothing for them.
I ended up in an accident and none of his family helped me. It was then after quite alot of crying and hurt I realized and had to accept that they were never going to see me as part of the family. This relationship was about what they could get from me.
Through my healing I learnt my lesson that the only person I had to prove anything to was myself. I deserved better . To be amongst people who respected and cared for me. They did me a wonderful favour, by rejecting me I learnt that I didn’t need to be part of them and that they didn’t deserve to have a great person like me in their family.
A lot of racist, sexist, bigotted, paranoid swine push the line “this is how I am and everyone else has a problem”. These people know they are disliked and wear it as a badge of honour. They don’t distinguish between people they just don’t get on with and people they offend or are cruel to.
Jen you just describe two of my ex friends to a tee thanks
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