I’m not sure what the opposite of personal development is but the following post might be close. Today my goal is not to educate, motivate or inspire you but rather, to make you smile. Possibly even giggle. Sometimes even I need a rest from the very “serious” business of personal development and that time is now. 
If you’re easily offended or perhaps a little presh, you might want to give today’s instalment a miss. Then again, it might be exactly what you need.
You May Want to Sit Down…
I know this is going to come as something of a shock to many of you but over the course of my boring and predictable wild and crazy life there have been certain situations, circumstances and occasions where I have been required to… hmm, maybe required is not the word… let’s try expected… where I have been expected to… no, not working either… okay, how about compelled?… yep, much better… where I have been compelled to.. well, kiss people. Certain people. Not all people of course. There; I said it. It’s out. I feel so dirty. Yet strangely liberated. Weird I know. But panic not because I’m still a virgin.
Pretty much.
The Tongue Tango
Now, when I say “kiss” I’m not talking about your Aunty Betty-type glancing cheek peck or your very popular, contemporary and stylish Hollywood air-kiss here, no, the exchange of which I speak (oh yes, there is much exchanging) is more like your full contact I-hope-I-don’t-dislocate-my-jaw-or-inhale-her-upper-intestine… type of action. You know; tonsil hockey. Swapping spit. Sucking face. Smooching. The tongue tango. Pashing (Australian term). I’m sure, like most people, your lips have been around the block a few times. I said around… the block.
Stop it.
Poo Breath
Anyhoozle… the other day I was chatting with a (female) friend of mine who has a (very) new bloke in her life. The relationship is eight minutes old. Give or take. Being thirty percent female, I decided to ask all the relevant questions about her new squeeze. You know, all the standard stuff… Career? How and where did you meet? Nature? Personality? Looks? Height? Age? Family? Sense of humour? Kissed yet? The dude was sounding like some kind of super-hero until we got to the kissing question. She stopped speaking, looked at the ground and made a weird shape with her mouth. In fact, with her whole face. It was as though she was re-living a kiss. A bad kiss. I looked at her. Waiting for a reply. I had to stoop to see her face. She didn’t want to say it. It took a little coercing (a gift of mine) but she reluctantly (and confidentially) told me that his kissing technique was… er… ahem… well, horrible. Did I say confidentially? Oops. Apparently he kisses like an awkward and very uncoordinated fifteen year-old boy. Who has a tongue action like a lizard catching bugs.
“Oh well, at least you can develop his skills” I offered.
“Yeh… but…”
“There’s more?”
“Well, he… er… ”
With some strategic and clever questioning (if I do say so) I was able to ascertain that the new kid on the block had… er, that is… has…. breath like a camel. A camel with poor oral hygiene.
Apparently.
“Hmm, that’s a f**ker.”
“Tell me about it!”
“When is his birthday?
“Why?”
“Perhaps you could buy him a lifetime supply of mints and a gallon of mouth wash?”
“Idiot.”
“Glad I could help.”
I sympathise with my friend because she has something of a (minor) dilemma on her hands… and now she’s a little stressed.
So…
- Does she ignore the awful kissing skills, the reptilian tongue action, the poo breath and soldier on?
- Does she risk damaging the relationship (and his self-esteem) by pointing out his… stinky-ness?
- Does she risk telling Craig who will probably laugh his arse off and then write a post about her misfortune?
What? I would never.
I’m hurt.
But Enough About Her…
Never having been married, I’ve had the opportunity to experience quite the cross-section of lips and kissing techniques over the last decade. Or three. It’s fair to say that there are certain variables and factors which can make the kiss, a vastly more (or less) enjoyable physical experience. Being the (pseudo) scientist that I am, I’ve decided that – for the benefit of generations of kissers to come – I would do my best to quantify, qualify and demystify the science of kissing. Because clearly if anyone should, it’s me.
Or not.
Okay, I have ranked the three key kissing variables in order of importance. If you’re a remedial kisser, pay close attention. If you know someone who needs help, pass it on.
1. Breath - Without doubt, nothing can ruin a romantic moment faster than locking lips with someone who tastes like something died in their mouth. A month ago.
2. Technique - Kissing is not a race, competition or power struggle. While there are far too many good (and bad) kissing techniques to explore in this brief discussion, if all else fails, start with slow and gentle and work from there.
3. Salivary control - Having someone drool in your mouth like a Golden Retriever at meal time never makes for the optimal kissing experience. I should know; I’ve almost drowned three times.
My extensive research reveals that the quality of the overall kissing experience can typically be broken down as follows:
- Breath 50%
- Technique 40%
- Salivary Control 10%
Your Turn…
So, tell us about your kissing philosophy, rules and experiences. Would you tell Stinky Boy about his breath? Has the same thing happened to you? I look forward to your input… 
xx
{ 37 comments… read them below or add one }
Hahahahahaha! Hilarious!
Anyway, perhaps a little subtlety is in order! Perhaps she could keep a small tin of mints (like Altoids, for example) in her purse. When meeting up with him, she could pop one in her mouth and offer one to him. If he resists, she could say something like “Come on! I love (insert favorite flavor) flavored kisses! It’s just so sexy!” At least ‘training’ him will be less painful!
Too funny!
Have a great day!
Sandra
Great start to my day. Thanks Craig. There is not enough discussion of kissing (although more action, less talk would be good). I married a lovely man who it turned out didn’t like kissing (not just me, anyone) – don’t know how I missed that off my ‘checklist’. Good kissing can make or break your lovelife. And kissing a smoker really IS like ‘kissing an ashtray’. I have a girlfriend who won’t do more than 2 dates if the kissing is no good. I’m inclined to think that’s a reasonable thing – your friend only has to go through one more date to know if this major relationship problem can be turned around or not.
there is nothing sexier, than a man who is a great kisser. Great means being confident and not letting the kiss go on too long. leaves you wanting more. Having kissed over 100 boys back in the day (before marriage) I think I know a good kisser from a bad kisser. unfortunately, i don’t get much kissing action anymore, as my husband has bad breath, and put me off kissing him about 4 years ago. his is a medical, bacterial condition, just the thought of kissing bacteria makes me sick…aghh
oh how i miss kissing
You are unbelievable.. I am already feeling the pain of your friends (but lying around no the floor in hysterics.
Okay well i In answer to your questions NO WAY, you cant put up with this… (esp a bad kiser).. the hygiene can be fixed!
So for homework sake…
Does she risk damaging the relationship (and his self-esteem) by pointing out his… stinky-ness? · Well I think it would be more damaging not to do something about this however… some TACT might be useful.
·Ie. Next date she could book them both in for teeth cleaning; she could go grocery shopping with him, she could put teeth cleaning on TOP of his things to do list (if the relationship is at this stage) or she could subtly say Honey I am not sure if you are aware but you breathe isn’t the freshest at all times… (that is IF he really is worth it)
Does she risk telling Craig who will probably laugh his arse off and then write a post about her misfortune? I want to say YES to this as it is amusing but probably NO
But the real question is HOW to train him to be a good kisser… in my experience i just pulled back on this guy and said listen that is NOT how it is done .. this is.. (my ex he was intially the worsts kisser) but well was pretty damn good once I was done with him.. teach the poor bloke how to kiss…
Bloody hilarious! But so true.
Sympathy for your friend. I’d say give him a mint but in my experience most men don’t take the hint {regarding matters of personal hygiene} well and will retaliate with some childish and nasty comment.
Tell her to put up or get out now.
Ah ha ha…clutching sides now!
Ah I once had a dribbler i would stand him over the lawn so when he kissed me the lawn got watered as well. Nothing worse then wiping the dribble of your chin after snogging.
Even worse when they try to kiss you with a mouthful of food. I bought some beautiful strawberrys which my partner then proceeded to chew up and pass to me no way was i have a bar of that.
as for the bad breath spray him with air freshener.
Hmm sound like a new title of a book Craig so start writing.
Craigo, what the … ?
I thought you were so “controlled”, and “pristine” and now I find out you’re actually human? What’s going on here? What is all this kissing-of-various-people? Dare I mention the word “man-tart”?
For the record, yes I am sometimes jealous of single people. Hubby and I had a moment a few weeks ago where we realised we’d been together for a decade. I just looked at him and said: “10 years of shagging the same person … ” and we just burst out laughing.
Hilarious post, by the way, and if I was in your friend’s situation I’d have to tell him. Doesn’t matter how hot he is … dog’s breath don’t cut it.
Have a nice Thursday … I’m going to be laughing all day!!!
Too funny.
Em
( ) x
(yeah that’s a cyber-kiss … it’s platonic, it’s quick and most of all … it’s dry!!!!)
Hahhaha
Craig your first paragraph (Compelled) had me thinking that you randomly pash people…….HHAHAHAHHAHA
Paints an interesting picture: We really like Craig but he just randomly kisses people….
This story of mine will keep me going all day…
HAHHAHAHAHHAH
Good strategy Sandra – you’ve clearly given it some thought
Hi Anon 1.
You’re happily married to a non-kisser?
See… love conquers all.
Hi Anon 2.
I’m impressed that you kept a tally of your pre-marital kissing partners! That’s a lot of lips!
Kate, I love how to say to use tact… and then you say to book him in for teeth cleaning! Hilarious
Oh boy, I once had to dump a guy after two dates because the technique was just terrible, and embarrassing. I don’t profess to be the world’s best kisser (ok, yes I do), but this guy was about 0.1 out of 10. The question I kept asking myself was….. this guy is 30 – why hasn’t anyone TAUGHT him how to kiss?! Obviously they all felt the same way I did and ran after the second date!
Unfortunately there was quite a connection on every other level. He was handsome, a successful journalist and we had a lot in common. Such a shame!
Craig, I’ll be honest i was a bit shocked with this post. i can’t imagine you ever kissing anyone let alone doing the whole tongue thing. Don’t know why though. You seem so tough and together that i imagine you wouldn’t go in for that human contact stuff such as pashing. When i think of you i think of a plant. Asexual.
Errrr where is CJ with some meat and potato topics
Aaaaaah Craig.. glad to see you’ve got confidentiality down to a fine art….lol….but thank goodness, can’t stop chuckling…that poor girl such a sensitive issue ….however the man in my life doesn’t get subtle so if she needs to change it ….she might have to bite the bullet and have a heart to heart before a mouth to mouth….all depends on how irksome it is but you’ve seem to have the lowdown
Cheers Janine
Glad I amused you Heidi
There will be no kissing book Gail… one article is plenty
Em… man-tart!?
You so wanted to write man-whore.. chicken.
x
Hi Patrol4ME – no random pashing… it’s all calculated.
And rare… these days
But Carly… You could have made him a project
Hi Anon 3.
Asexual huh? A plant huh? I’d write more but I need to head outdoors for a little photosynthesis…
Tomorrow Michael…
You’re right Janine – not many men ‘do’ subtle. She may need to be blunt…
Ew…no. If he can’t even clean his teeth properly, who knows what else lacks sufficient hygiene? Why even go there?
And Craig, how is it that you always seem to write about what’s on my mind?!? Haha, fun topic.
I tried posting my reply, but it didn’t take for some reason, so I’ll try again.
As a pretty darn good kisser myself (sorry, but I am), I am plagued with a sinus infection that despite years of efforts and surgery to correct, has dogged me with bad breath. I’m sure this has to do with allergies and the locale I’m in.
But sometimes such issues are due to diet, fear of dentists, rotting teeth, bad hygiene, health issues, bacteria on the tongue, etc. In the late 1800’s, I’ve read accounts of medical practice including smelling a patient’s breath as an indicator of certain diseases.
It is up to me to prepare myself appropriately if I anticipate a situation where I will be kissing.
I’d suggest that if this guy is worth pursuing in all other areas, then gain his trust.. and lovingly support him in improving himself… and then FOLLOW it up with a compliment, and action!
My guess is that he knows he has bad breath and may be very sensitive to it. But if he’s approached as I mention above, along with tact and sensitivity, he can be approached. Your job is to determine whether or not they care enough to want to try to improve things – if they can.
But loving support can turn around a current pitfall.
Just some advice from a man….
So Craig…… asexual & a plant.. that comment from anon 3 just about made me fall of my chair laughing
(hope the photosynthesis is making you feel better) 
Back to the subject at hand, nothing worse than being slobbered over & feeling like you need to go & wring your face out (not that I had many of those but had my share in my befor marriage days). Bad breath is the worst & I sympathize with your friend, it really boils down to does she feel that she can approach him about it at this early stage of there relationship. If the relationship has any beginnings of depth to it she should be able to approach him tactfully (but not to tactful as you said some guys dont get the side on approach & you have to go for the staight attack).
I hope she can work it out as we know kissing is the best part & the most erotic thing to do with the one you love.
Thanks for the laugh.
Aww Craig, Id kiss you. Hmm interesting thought. Meet Craig and kiss him lol might just do it when ur in brissie.
Dear Craig’s friend,
This one is a no-brainer. You definitely have to tell the guy about his breath.
Yes, I know he’ll be uncomfortable, after all who wants to hear their breath stinks? On the other hand, who doesn’t? I would!!!! And yes, I would be embarrassed, but you know what, I would get over it. Obviously no one’s told him before and the poor guy doesn’t have any idea that his breath stinks
He might be wondering why all of his relationships have failed (yes, I’m assuming…it could be true though, you never know), and he’s looking for reasons elsewhere when the simplest solution to his problem could be couple of mints and some mouthwash
You might be worried about hurting his feelings, but I’m sure he’ll be more hurt by constant rejections by girls who aren’t courageous enough to tell him the truth. And you truly have to be courageous, because it’s one of those things no one wants to say, and worse, no one wants to hear.
But as I said before, I would definitely tell him, regardless if you’d like to be involved with him or not. If you want to pursue something with him, well the choice is simple, you absolutely have to tell him, otherwise you’ll eventually break-up for that reason (and ‘eventually’ will happen sooner rather than later). If you don’t want anything with the guy, you’re still doing him a favour by telling him his breath stinks, so that the next time he meets someone he can start a relationship with a ‘fresh’ outlook.
One more thing, if you decide to tell him I suggest not bringing it up as an important ‘point of discussion’ that you simply have to discuss, instead wait until he’s about to kiss you and just say, not in a too serious but gentle/understanding kind of way, “I’m really sorry but your breath smells a little, would you mind using a mint” or something like that (make sure you have a mint though). Hey, I know it’s not ideal but that’s the thing, it can’t be ideal, it’s not an ideal situation as you’re doing something that most people would find very uncomfortable. But that moment of discomfort is better than years of failed romantic relationships.
Good luck Craig’s friend.
Bad breath? No problem. Kiss something else. The mouth isn’t the only intimate part of the human body you can kiss. Actually the mouth isn’t the only part that can stink bad and completely turn you off your tuna fish sandwich. Ladies, remember to wash. Yes the vagina is self cleaning but it doesn’t come with it’s own soap. And you men, when you take your socks off don’t thread the sock through your toes to clean in between them with the same vigor as a man sawing a tree in half and then smell the sock cause that’s just not on. Especially for a toe sucker like me. Sorry but the heats picked up and the peak hour trains and the lifts are packed and i can smell everyone’s everything and i want to vomit. I’d rather ride with cattle. Summer Stinks.
I think I laughed just as much from the comments as I did from Craigy-Boy today. Thanks everyone for the technicolour visuals!!
There is nothing like a good pash, even after 23 years of marriage.
What about men kissing each other? Are we more comfortable as Australian men doing that without it being automatically assumed you are not hetrosexual? Example, my friend works in a high end shop in Brisbane and he has a female partner, but one day he kissed me on the lips. Now, this happened ages ago but the point is he does the same with the male and female members of his family and some of his close friends. Nobody thinks twice when we go to family functions and no one says anything. It could be their Itailan background but to do that in Brisbane 20 years go meant a night in Boggo Road. But brings up the interesting concept that these days it seems that blokes giving a hug and kiss is fine. Have Australian men gotten to the stage where they are comfortable enough to recognise same sex kiss does not equal change of sexuality?
A little lesson in oral hygiene could help combat the bad breath situation… However I’d be a tad concerned that if “first base” wasn’t that flash, would he be able to hit a home run?????
Vin – “There is nothing like a good pash” – I love it! The most sensible thing anyone has written all day
Kissing has to be one of the best things we humans get to do when it’s done right. Seriously Craig, let’s take out the percentages, isn’t it about who it’s with and just how into that person you are? When two people, regardless of gender, race, age, whatever, are genuinely connecting, there is nothing like a good kiss. Wet, soft, hard, tongue, lips – it’s all just so frickin good! There’s no formula, no recipe, no criteria. If it’s right, there is definitely goose bumps and there is a need to go back for more, and more and more.
Wow, I think I need to go and have some time with myself. LOL!
Oh – and Anon 3 – “When I think of you I think of a plant” – priceless. Thanks!
Haven’t stopped laughing…
When I visited Make-Out Central (Paris) I was stunned by the passionate kissing everywhere, but I’m half French so being there made me feel normal.
I’ve never been in Craig’s friend’s situation but that’s because “eight minute” relationships didn’t qualify for a wet one!! I know , that might sound wierd and prudish but if there’s foreplay to a kiss it’s more tantalising and you’re well aware if there’s going to be a problem before you’re “ingesting” it.
Good to know what a pash is, I would have thought it was something more fun.
for Anon 3- you must be a dude…
Personally, I would prefer to think that a potential mate would be completely honest with me, and tell me I had bad breath etc. but as I have discovered that unlike myself, not everyone enjoys being told the brutal truth about themselves, this may not be the best advice in this situation. It is important to remember though that the kiss, pash, snog whatever you want to call it, is an integral part of any relationship, and even if everything else about the relationship might be fantastic, bad kissing could bring down the whole thing from the inside.
Hugs, pecks on the lips, even hand holding can fill some of that void, but nothing can equal the feelings created by the intimate pash with your partner, or even a stranger if by chance you get the opportunity. It can even take the place of foreplay, if it’s good enough. A good kiss can linger all day, putting a smile on your face every time it comes to mind, and making your body relive those warm feelings over and over again. So I guess what I’m trying to say is that this issue is worth fixing as soon as possible, if the relationship is worth holding on to!
Good luck to your friend Craig, & if it doesn’t go well, there are millions of fish in the sea!
Life is good, even if it’s not sometimes!