So, clearly, the marriage post was of no interest to anyone. 
I thought (off the back of that chat) we might also take a peek at a related topic: the aversion some people have to their own company. For some people, it seems that any company is better than no company…
One of my favourite movies of the last decade was ‘Into the Wild’ starring the (then) newcomer, Emile Hirsch. I loved, loved, loved this movie. It evoked such emotion and stimulated so much thought that I pondered it for weeks. It was like food for my brain. The movie (based on a true story) is confronting, fascinating and incredibly engaging. Geeze, I sound like a film reviewer. Sorry. Anyway, I went to see it not knowing anything about the story and not having any expectations.
In short, it is the story of a young guy trying to find a level of identity, purpose, meaning and enlightenment beyond his background, his experiences and the expectations of those in his world. With little preparation and without informing a single person, he walks away from his life and heads into the wild. What follows is an engrossing journey on many levels: geographically, physically, sociologically, psychologically, spiritually and developmentally. Well, that was my take on it anyway. Yours may have been different.
It you haven’t seen the movie, go rent it. You’ll thank me.
What I found fascinating was the decision this young college graduate made to turn his back on the comfort, security and familiarity of his middle class suburban existence, family, social relationships and privileges to head off into the great unknown by himself. I won’t ruin the story for those who haven’t seen the film but let’s just say that he spent considerable time in total isolation in the wilds (and I mean wilds) of Alaska.
I have since wondered how I would fare in such a situation. How any of us would. Sure, the wild animals, the lack of food, the snow, the sub-zero temperatures and the lack of internet might be something of a challenge for me, but I think with the right preparation and training I could deal with all that stuff. For a while anyway. I think the biggest challenge in dealing with that kind of isolated reality would be the social, emotional and psychological issues. How on earth would the attention-seeking only child fare with no audience, no hugs, no interesting conversations and zero human interaction? Would I become weirder or more enlightened? Calmer or more anxious? Would I find myself or lose myself?
To be honest, I actually like being alone. At times, I even crave it. Although, I suspect it’s easier to deal with solitude when, subconsciously, you know you always have the option of company. However, there was a time when I hated extended periods of solitude. It made me uncomfortable. And the fact that it made me uncomfortable (emotionally), made me uncomfortable (psychologically). If you know what I mean. In other words, I hated the fact that I was (on some level) dependant on being around a person or group of people in order to feel comfortable, content and happy.
While I recognised and appreciated the value of intimate and social relationships (of course), I didn’t want to live in a place (emotionally and psychologically) where I was (totally) dependant on any person for my happiness. In that paradigm I was simply giving my power away to people, situations and circumstances. I determined that my happiness, self-esteem and security would work best from the inside-out and not the other way around. Of course, friends and family would always play an important part in my life but I arrived at a point where it became apparent that, before I could add real value or joy to any personal relationship, I needed to be complete, happy and balanced on my own.
There’s a big difference between wanting somebody to be part of my world and not being able to function without that person. As there is between looking forward to the time you might fall in love (whenever and wherever that may be) and desperately looking for a partner. It’s clear that some people just ‘need’ to be in a relationship – any relationship. And this is where many of the ugly I-can’t-be-on-my-own problems make themselves known.
I have met many people who just can’t be single. Even for a week. In their (self-created) world, any relationship is better than no relationship. Their life is a blur of (average to terrible) relationships because the thought of being alone terrifies them. If only they would allow themselves the time and space to get to know who they are beyond their history of dysfunctional relationships, they might actually discover that they’re good enough all by themselves. Which, ironically, is exactly when they’ll become more attractive to a potential partner.
It’s important for us to be content, secure and complete on our own before we can even begin to be truly happy, functional and emotionally healthy in any intimate relationship. Otherwise we simply drag our emotional crap into the situation.
Yes, we are (among other things) social creatures and yes, personal relationships can enhance, uplift and even heal. However, they can also be destructive if they are built on an unhealthy foundation. Wanting, loving and appreciating a person is healthy. Not being able to function without that person’s attention, approval, permission and company – not so healthy!
When I wrote the first draft of Fattitude I went away for three weeks by myself. I spent the entire time in total (social) isolation. I didn’t see one friend, family member or acquaintance in that time and made a point of not talking on the phone. I ate every meal alone. Trained alone. Wrote alone. I didn’t have one (meaningful) conversation in that time. It was cathartic. I purposely sought the solitude and the silence.
I took an opportunity to step out of my chaotic, loud, busy world and into an environment of calm, consciousness and listening. I tuned in to what my tired body, my heart and my inner child had to tell me. I consciously turned down the volume on the cerebral chaos that was my over-thinking mind. The first three days of silence and solitude nearly killed me. It was about as comfortable as a circumcision.
I imagine.
By the time the last three days of my little sabbatical rolled around, I didn’t want to step back into my normal life. So much did I love my time out. So much did I learn about me. So much did I change.
We don’t need to be alone (literally) to feel very alone. We’ve all been in a crowded place and felt totally alone. Neither do we need to trek to Alaska to discover who we are beyond the noise, beyond our insecurities, beyond our unhealthy relationships and beyond the fear of being alone.
But sometimes, the thing we fear is the thing we need. Sometimes what we need is to be alone.
Just for a while. 
Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and my FREE Ebook!
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 9 trackbacks }
{ 33 comments… read them below or add one }
Great, thought-provoking post, Craig. I’ve been single for nearly two years now after an eight-year relationship with just one of those souls who cannot be alone (within two weeks of us breaking up, he was already into a serious relationship after telling me he didn’t know how he’d get by without me – go figure?
). I’m pretty much the only person I know in my peer group right now who isn’t attached/married, and sometimes it’s challenging to always be the “spare sock”, so to speak, but at the same time, I know so well that if I were to go into any relationship now, I haven’t personally got myself sorted out to the extent where I know without a shadow of a doubt I won’t do a Groundhog Day and fall back into the same old patterns of joint dysfunction. So this spare sock is content to be so (mostly!)
The other part of your post put me in mind of a discussion I had with some friends last weekend. They are “small b Buddhists” (their description, not mine!) and they live near a Buddhist retreat where people can go and do a meditation course which lasts for 10 days and they aren’t allowed to speak… AT ALL! As I drove home from the visit, I found myself wondering if I should do it, because I can see how it would be enormously beneficial to shut out the noise of life for a while, but my God, I am sure there are times during the first couple of days that the participants feel like they’re going round the twist! I wonder who else thinks they could tackle that course?
In closing, Craig and CJ, thanks for always making me think. xoxo
I think this is all being taken too seriously.
Part of the problem you have always said is humans over analyse. That is a bad thing to have. Well the views that will be put here and the views on the last one were great. But what has triggered you to write about this? Believe me I have been alone lately after getting rid of my peers and friends who wanted a distructive lifestyle. It seems the posts have this message – it is not good to be alone, it is not good to be with someone. Both bring unhappiness and misery. No one seems happy either way. I give up trying to work out humans.
How about a post about the Cabbie you met in Noose or any other positive things
How strange.. To me it was a sad film about dying alone from a broken heart.
What a great column, this was a lesson that took me years and years (and years) to learn. I have tried to tell various friends with a history of unsuccessful relationships that they have to make peace with themselves, be happy in and of themselves, before having a truly happy, healthy, successful relationships with others.
No other person (whether it be a platonic friend, relative, spouse, etc.) has the power to make you happy if you are in a state of misery and self-hate. But if you are happy and at peace with who you are, then another person can certainly add to and deepen your happiness.
Have not seen the movie, but Netflix.com is my next stop. Very thought provoking post. I have struggled with a feeling of loneliness my whole lfe, yet after 9 years of teaching, I am in a job all alone most of the day/everyday. Maybe more reflection is needed as to why I am here at this point and time! I have been trying to fill gaps with people who at one time or another have been friends, important people in my life, yet for various reasons their lifestyles take direction I am not at all comfortable going or not willing to give so much of me to maintain anymore. Having major trouble just letting these relaitonships go. I might end up alone??????? How do we know when loneliness is good? How do we know when time to let relationships go or even just say these are not the kind of people I enjoy being around? What if no one shows up for the funeral?
i live in a noisy, crowded city (san francisco, ca, usa) and from time to time i have to get away for some peace and quiet. away from the neighbor noise, the buses, sirens, car alarms, construction, etc. next month, i’m headed to joshua tree national park in the southern california desert, for two weeks of solitude, silence and surreal beauty (check it out http://www.flickr.com/photos/30051576@N05/). relationships with other people are important to me, but my relationship with myself demands a time-out periodically. and those ten-day silent buddhist retreats are pretty awesome too………
Craig, Excellent blogs (both this one and the “Married” post)!
I too prefer solitude. Growing up I would go backpacking by myself. The first night alone was horrifying, but revealing at the same time. I experienced and witnessed what many of my fears were that first night. I still camp by myself from time to time to get away and dig deeper into my thoughts and fears about myself.
For years I was alone, for years I dated people similar to Debbie’s description above and wanted to go away into my solitude forever. However, I realized during one of my solo backpacking trips that one of my fears holding me back from quality relationships was the ability to accept people in every form and find compassion for them and for myself.
After this realization I changed my attitude and went forward trying to find the enjoyable qualities with everyone I met and interacted with. I went forward with no expectations as I had done in the past. I was no longer looking for the perfect woman, perfect friends, etc…but, I ended up finding all of them.
I am now very happily married to the most amazing woman I have ever met, I have great friends who I love to be around.
My point is that I use my solitude to focus on the things that are important to me, but my relationships give me something I could not achieve alone.
That was me! Always looking for a relationship, when one ended, frantically looking to start another, for fear of being alone, expecting to be miserable unless i was with someone, expecting to fall in a heap and sink into depression (as I actually had a few years ago) if i was alone. The light finally came on one day. I’m ok on my own, I can support myself, I can be happy without having to rely on someone else to make me…sometimes it takes years to realise this, but isn’t that what life is all about..learning from experience..
Loving your latest theme on relationships.
It is only when you can enjoy your own company that you can be truly happy.
I have been single for as long as Craig… well, maybe! I loved this post… thanks! Being single, and fairly cute (still) I have so many friends that do not get my desire for some real alone time… I mean, I “should” be dating, I mean I am single… and single is something that needs ‘fixing’ right? I love my alone time. I am self employed, have a fantastic ad agency and work with so many creative people. Amazingly, when you really have a ‘real’ convo, you so many times hear aloneness… the need to fix that is so much a part of our society. I never thought of it as deeply as Craig, (I am from Texas, so we are probably a wee bit shallow *smile*) but as I read this post, I thought of so many people that have tried to ‘help’ me by ‘finding’ me a real guy… one that even does the laundry, go figure! Being single does not make you alone. It probably means you can draw a bubble bath, light a candle and have a fantastic glass of wine… alone!
Fran, you need to get your message out there because again spot on, but for some reason others don’t believe that. They need someone to make them happy then it goes wrong and they whinge. Words fail me.
I have seen this movie, a good one! I think that the movie (without giving away the ending) answers your question as to how a human (obviously always exceptions) can think they are in control and that they are challenging themselves when in actual fact they are ‘losing it’. We were born to be with other.
As they say if a child doesn’t have human touch in the firs t24 hours they generally die. I think what is more scary is that for survival we need to be interdependent.
I agree that there is a massive difference wanting somebody to be part of your world and not being able to function without them than looking forward to spending time with them. I don’t think you ‘fall’ in love like in the movies its like how you love your closest friend but with benefits.
Yeah it is funny that many people cant be single. I made a massive decision to be single a few years ago as I realised I had always been in relationships and well the last long term one… Well we were basically dysfunctional together..I did love him but when it came to marrying him.. well I just couldn’t see him fathering my children.. That is when I realised I must deserve better or at least find out what I wanted.. and hence went SOLO.. and Woolah I did find a lot of myself!
Like anything a relationship can be destructive but again it is the parties who are to blame.. I have also done the total isolation and to be honest IF this was living and I could live alone forever I would however I found this isn’t the journey, that I grow more with others and truly see WHAT and WHO I am not so fair floss ideal in MY head.
I think whether you are with someone or not we are always alone but you don’t need to be lonely. A partnership is just that two people living what they want and meeting somewhere in the middle.
Personally I love being alone but possibly the day is coming where I am getting sick of me, I mean I am human afterall!
Seriously Michael, I think you’ve seriously over analysed this… ;-p
Great movie, great post Craig….now leave me alone will ya….sheesh!!
Aaaah nice – “But sometimes, the thing we fear is the thing we need. Sometimes what we need is to be alone” – this, for me, sums it all up!
meditation kills that “brain noise” efficiently… but does take a bit of initial practice. Alone time is definitely good.
When I look at things from a certain angle, life is full of ironies. We consciously prefer to be single and alone, we take a conscious decision not to follow the expectations of our social environment putting pressure on us to get married and reproduce. Yet we owe our existence to the very unconscious decision to reproduce made by our parents. My parents were simply following the expectations of their environment which I now refuse to follow. Yet, that’s how I existed. I would not be typing these lines if that social pressure was not there applied to my parents. Isn’t this ironic and difficult to digest?
When I substitute a love and appreciation of what I am, instead of the constant striving for the love and attention of others, then I will not feel alone.
When I cease manipulating others to ‘show’ me their love and adulation, then I will not feel alone.
When I cease being the person others ‘want’ me to be to furnish them with the love and adulation they so desire, then I will not be alone.
When I desist my avoidance of being alone, then I will not be alone.
When I cast my being adrift, at one with the nothingness of nothingness, then I am not alone… I am at home.
A door that is eternally wide open!
I can venture in…. when I stand up to being alone!
Yes it was a great movie, even though I do like being alone at times, i don’t think i will tough it out in Alaska just yet.
Good Post, keep them coming
Before I met and married my husband 10 years ago I was alone alot and I loved it. And I miss it now, I miss my alone time and I crave it. We had 3 kids and between working full time and the kids there’s no alone time at all. It’s so hard to go from being alone alot to never being alone. I so look forward to those times once every couple of years when hubbie takes the kids for a visit to his mums for a couple of days.
I loved that movie too.
Do you think that the movie could be a metaphor for life. Like, your ‘wild’ may not be Alaska. Your line of work may be pretty solitary. Think about the research teams in Antarctica right now. Or your training for your chosen sport may be pretty lonesome. At the moment my training is pretty lonely. But I am looking to train with a swim squad. And do a weekly session with a cycling bunch and running group.
Too much alone time I don’t think is too healthy. Some is good. But not too much.
I’m never alone when I am living “alone” because I have me. I talk to myself all the time and find myself amusing. It keeps me company. I only feel truly alone when I am living with someone with the intention of companionship only to find myself at home alone most of the time.
Simon And Garfunkel said it best in “I Am A Rock”:
A winter’s day
In a deep and dark December;
I am alone,
Gazing from my window to the streets below
On a freshly fallen silent shroud of snow.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I’ve built walls,
A fortress deep and mighty,
That none may penetrate.
I have no need of friendship; friendship causes pain.
It’s laughter and it’s loving I disdain.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
Don’t talk of love,
But I’ve heard the words before;
It’s sleeping in my memory.
I won’t disturb the slumber of feelings that have died.
If I never loved I never would have cried.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
I have my books
And my poetry to protect me;
I am shielded in my armor,
Hiding in my room, safe within my womb.
I touch no one and no one touches me.
I am a rock,
I am an island.
And a rock feels no pain;
And an island never cries.
Being able to be alone and feeling happy is a sign of self love and acceptance with one’s self.
@Patricia… how on earth can you be alone as a teacher. It is the most social job I have ever had!
Loved the film you referred to. I saw it as a relationship with wilderness rather than a lonliness.
I think I come from a paradigm that says love and therefore relationship … is all there is.
Having said that, if I don’t get a little solo time, my relationship with myself suffers and I’m no good to anyone
Haven’t yet seen the movie but it sounds interesting. I have another question to put out there though – “we” (single people) can mostly cope with our own company and being alone (emotionally) but I must admit I miss hugs – a lot – it’s hard to have friends to talk to but not have physical contact. Skin is our biggest sensory organ – mine misses people
Any (moderately useful) suggestions?
I feel that this may be one of the best articles you’ve ever written. You wrote exactly what was on my mind, Craig.
Although, you probably articulated it better. Probably.
Thanks again, Craig!
another thought provoking article and right up my alley! I don’t do alone very well.. although I am getting better at it. I agree with Andie in melb, no matter how ‘well’ you do alone.. the sensory of touch and hugs and holding I miss greatly. A moderately useful suggestion Andie would be to have a massage. Not one to ‘fix’ aches and pains but a relaxation one. It is a shame we have to ‘pay’ to be touched though
I am neither a rock … or an island .. I feel pain and I cry.
When I substitute a love and appreciation of what I am, instead of the constant striving for the love and attention of others, then I will not feel alone.
When I cease manipulating others to ’show’ me their love and adulation, then I will not feel alone.
When I cease being the person others ‘want’ me to be to furnish them with the love and adulation they so desire, then I will not be alone.
When I desist my avoidance of being alone, then I will not be alone.
LOL I could say this to some ex friends of mine and they would laugh. Their view is without you i’m no one. In fact one said quote from memory, I cannot live without another. When I tried to debate this he screamed at me. Humans!
Dear Andie in Melb and Jane,
How about signing up for an adult ed course in intro massage?
You practice on eachother and could land in a class with someone you’d love to get hands-on with!
Great writing…
Iv always dreamnt of that day like alot of women but its just a dreaM THE person is always married already,IV GIVEN UP NOW. Its just A DREAM !!!!!!
Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah….
I thought the central character in this movie, Christopher McCandless, to be selfish, inconsiderate, vacuous pratt. His attempt of turning his back on the world to contemplate his navel for an infinite time was both cowardly and selfish.
Life can be joyous, but, for most of us, it is also tough and confrontational. To make a hero of such a character is an insult to the everyday hero who slogs away to support his/her family, pay the mortgage and put food on the table.
I am disappointed that he was portrayed as a hero and that I wasted my hard earned money and precious time watching this movie. I cannot imagine how much his poor family (especially his Mother) must have suffered with the worry for his safety.