“That’s not right for you.”
There’s a sentence we’ve all heard along our journey. Some of us, far too many times. The concept of right and wrong is an interesting discussion and a subject that has fascinated me for years. Growing up, we were all taught that there’s a right way and a wrong way to do… pretty much everything. To worship. To vote. To eat. To exercise. To date. To explore sex. To learn. To earn. To speak. To deal with problems.
Yep, pretty much everything.
Dealing in Absolutes
As kids, the authority figures in our world (parents, teachers, ministers, etc.) mostly taught us in terms of absolutes. “This is right, that is wrong”. They didn’t typically make vague suggestions or tell us to discover our own truth. No, they told us how things work: black and white. Matter of fact. Sometimes, that approach worked in our favour (“don’t touch the hot stove”) and, sometimes, not so much (“you should never leave anything on your plate”).
The Enormity of Conformity
The trouble is that, like you and me, our educators were flawed. And ignorant. And, at times, amazing and fabulous. Of course, they didn’t know it all. None of us do. As well as their strength, wisdom and insight, they also brought their issues, insecurities, fears, ego and bias into every conversation, every ‘lesson’ and every encounter. Sadly, there have been many times when most of us have felt obligated to embrace, accept or align with someone else’s (version of) ‘right’ in order to keep the peace, to maintain a relationship and to appear loyal and committed. Even when deep down we felt an inner conflict and a sense that maybe their right is our wrong.
So we compromised. We ignored our inner wisdom. We pretended.
Inner Wisdom
I believe that, for most of us, it is our inner wisdom – the knowledge, insight and understanding that lives in the realm beyond intellect, reason and experience – that tells us what is right for us. That still small voice. Having said that, it’s also my experience that the right thing (for us as individuals) is not always the logical thing. The popular thing. The comfortable thing. Or the thing we’re most familiar with.
The truth is that there are very few universally accepted ‘rights’. Maybe none? What might appear to be right in one situation (offering a stranger a lift), will be wrong in another. What will work for John (a certain diet perhaps), will be catastrophic for Tom. What will make Sally calm and relaxed (a massage, for example) will make Sue uncomfortable and anxious.
Extremes
Even when it comes to religious, moral, ethical and highly-emotive issues such as (say) murder, is it possible to categorically say that killing another person is never (ever) right? If a person is physically trying to kill someone I love right there in front of me (perish the thought), I could concede that, in an extreme and highly-unlikely situation, even killing (in self-defence) might be the right thing.
Then and Now
Perhaps right or wrong is dependant on the individual, the situation and the circumstance. Perhaps it comes down to what stage of our journey we’re at. Maybe what was right for us in 1995 is totally wrong in 2010 (think hair, clothes, friends, career, partner). As we change, learn, grow, experience and mature, is it possible that our values, priorities, standards, rules and attitudes change and, in the process, so does (what is) right and wrong for us as individuals?
Could it be that when I try to impose my version of ‘right’ on someone else – even with my good intentions – I’m potentially manipulating, influencing them to their own detriment and trying to turn them into a version of me (‘impose’ being the key word)?
Individuality
I have friends who borrow massive amounts of money to finance certain projects and purchases. They love it. It excites them, motivates them and keeps them focused and productive. Financially speaking, it’s right for them. For me, it would be totally wrong. The idea of massive debt, huge financial risk and putting myself in that kind of situation has zero appeal to me. Having said that, neither perspective is (universally) right or wrong because it’s not actually about the situation (taking on that level of financial risk) but, rather, it’s about what it represents to the various individuals in the middle of it all.
Some of us have been so committed to certain versions of ‘right’ (we could also call them non-negotiable beliefs, standards and rules) for so long, it terrifies us to consider the idea that, maybe, what we have held onto for so long (emotionally and psychologically) might be either (1) totally wrong or (2) not the ‘most’ right thing for us (so to speak).
So, I guess we can conclude that right or wrong is a personal thing. A you thing. A me thing. Or, maybe I’m wrong?
What do you think? Have you had a re-think on ‘right and wrong’ over the years? Had you ever done a one-eighty on a particular issue? Has your need to be right ever created problems?
The older I get, the more I realise how little I know, how few absolutes there are and how much I still have to learn.
Love to hear your thoughts. 
x
Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and my FREE Ebook!
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 1 trackback }
{ 21 comments… read them below or add one }
Excellent post. But what is right for you, sometimes others see it and we don’t. On the other hand the amount of times I have not done what is right for me.
BTW I lost more CM’s off my abs so the things are going in the right direction
I want to live by what I know is right for me. But I’m to selfish and self-centred. So I fool myself with justification and others with manipulation. No, I’m not proud of myself. Just seems to be a way of life.
Fortunately most people don’t have much contact either with the legal system or ethics committees. Most of the day-to-day choices we make are pretty unimportant except to ourselves. The “right” thing to do in my family growing up was “think for yourself, but consider other people”. Sometimes I wonder what life would have been like if there had been a few more guidelines to follow, most people I’ve met instinctively know what the “correct” behaviour is in situations where I dither because I’m still thinking about it. I know that’s overthinking, but if you try and think about how to stop overthinking you just get caught in a loop.
Yes, another good post, Craig…I suppose the real lesson here is to maybe keep an open mind to all of the many possibilities offered to us throughout life.
The older I get, the more important I realize it is to be flexible in your beliefs, opinions, goals, etc. Things change constantly and you can waste alot of precious time if you are stuck in a rut and refuse to consider other avenues. That’s hard to do if you have your heart set on something, but sometimes things just don’t work out the way you want them to. However, I’ve found that other options often exist that may work out even better than what you were considering in the first place.
Dear Craig -
My formula has always been – listen to everyone carefully and then follow my gut.
I had a flourishing travel agency and then I started to see that the airlines (who always referred to us as “partners” were starting to steal my accounts – offering discounts to commercial customers. Of course they denied it, but my clients told me..
Then I noticed we were not getting uprades on airlines to first class.
And the Internet started selling travel.
Despite everyone’s advice, I put my agency on the market and sold it. And I got paid.
After that came the demise of the neighborhood travel agency. Many just closed.
You have to be alert to clues. Then make up your own mind.
Interesting post! … I’ve made 180 turns at various stages of my life … the last has left me in ‘Nowhere Land’. I only know that it was the right decision for me and I am listening to my ‘inner voice/gut feeling’ which means not following the norm … and I feel good about it
This is what I need and want in my life if I want to keep growing. The answers will come easily as long as I’m tuned in with myself.
Muchas Gracias, Craig.
Silent Lurker
I agree that “the older I get, the more I realise how little I know, how few absolutes there are and how much I still have to learn”. its remembering whats “right” for me is only an opinion to others. Awesome post. Thx
Timing! I just yesterday had someone tell me in a round about way that a big life decision I’ve just made for myself is wrong (presumably because it affects them in a way that they think is wrong). I’m pretty sure that there isn’t necessarily a right and a wrong all the time – that there a good and bad/right and wrong aspects of many decisions, but so long as we make a decision and then continue to act in accordance with our values we’ll get the most out of it. Wrong can become right if you work at it can’t it? We learn from mistakes after all!
Thanks for keeping me remembering that “right” and “wrong” are all a matter of perspective.
L
Louise, yes agree timing seems to be impecible…
Well i can think of so many examples….
1. eating chocolate every day works for me.. not some ‘perfectionistic’ diet that inveitably leads to feeling deprived
2. hard core excercise works for me…
3. I agree I dont feel comfortable with wads of debt.. have learnt cash is king (not saying I have heaps but this is how I intend to roll)
4. I have learnt that ‘hard’ in relationships are a no go for me.. life is hard enough I dont need that amongst friends or lovers
5. I have learnt to work with what I have .. what I am not someone else.
6. I have learnt mostly to follow MY passion even if ppl think Im a nut case.. nothing can work beter for me than feeling the joy I do every day from my work
7. I have learnt that there is RIGHT and WRONG.. but only right and wrong for me..what may be right for you is totally wrong for me
I could go on but we the picture… we find our own truth by living…
As far as being right and wrong is concerned, I read somewhere that there is no such thing as a wrong decision: you just get a different outcome from what you had expected or anticipated.
I find using this theory very liberating, because it encourages me to take risks because the outcome is always going to be OK.
Of course it is necessary to use common sense when making decisions, e. g. you don’t put all your money in risky investments or trust people who obviously don’t have your best interests at heart. You need to do adequate research when making decisions.
I’ve found, however, that believing in this principle takes away a lot of the fear and encourages a life of stepping outside your comfort zone.
Love your insight.
The concept of truth is one of the hardest things to come to terms with (for me) and that our truth or version of right is as individual as we are….
People interested in this area should look up Dr Michael Hewitt Gleesons school of thinking work that explores the Plato Truth Virus and Edward De Bono’s Six Thinking Hats….great for perspective.
The thing is…at least in my view…the more we learn the more we realise how ignorant we really are / were…it’s quite a hard concept to get your head around and live by.
As a parent I’m constantly confronted with creating a version of right and wrong in my kids head vs. giving them experiential learning and development or the cognitive ability to explore the concept of achieving optimal outcomes for a situation….that wasn’t in the bringing up kids handbook!
Combining this topic with the flow / energy of life gives a fascinating insight into how to achieve a zen like existence….cool.
Love your work. It’s a great way to start the day
W.
A few examples of times I have had to do work out what is right for me:
WW got me to goal weight in 1997… it has taken 13 years to realise that what worked (kind of cos I never maintained!) back then is not right for me now. I need to listen to my body not an external ‘plan’ for losing weight.
I have friends who became very wealthy through risk taking and being their own boss. I tried it and found that what is right for me is a salary, stability and managed investments.
What was right for me was to resign, sell my car, put my furniture in storage and fly to the UK to meet the man I had met on the internet face to face. We are now married but if I had listened to other people instead of my instincts I never would have taken that risk.
I am very grateful that my parents taught me what is right and wrong but also to be flexible and think for myself.
WOW…just had a moment ! Was listening to Napoleon Hill’s Laws of Success (Chapter 3 if you are interested) and he spoke about exactly this topic !! Cool….It’s no coincidence I’m sure. Whoever you are out there I’m listening !!!
W.
Hi Guys. Hope you’re enjoying your Thursday. Thanks for sharing your thoughts, ideas, feedback and stories. Exploring the ‘what’s right for me’ question is a springboard to so many other great philosophical and psychological discussions. And, when we keep working it through, it’s potentially life-changing and reality-shifting.
Gotta love that.
interesting. i once condemned a friend who left his partner in the midst of a battle with cancer. i thought it was so wrong for him to walk away like that. but then my husband had a non diagnosed life-threatening illness for 18 months – almost died twice – and guess what I couldn’t cope and our relationship didn’t survive. hell of a way to gain some insight and walk in someone elses shoes. from the outside our break up looked like the wrong thing to do but was so much more complicated from the inside. you shouldn’t ever judge anyone on outside appearances because you don’t know what their journey has been. and yes I guess that would even justify murder sometimes. geez cheery today aren’t we. lol
Thanks for topic & Ur ideas Craig!
My vision is simple: every personality has its own individual vision, it comes from the inside and includes character, life experience, fears and wishes (conscious or unconscious). This vision plays a role of a compass in decision-making process. The key point is ability to take responsibility for Ur vision and understand what particular vision gives U as a result.
For instance: I’m not gonna have kids. It sounds strange for my friends who are now in the middle of marriage/babiage experience. They keep asking why and strongly reminding me about a glass of water in the last few hours of my life. All that they are really trying to do is to get in my shoes
I have my vision and ready to take responsibility.
there are no right things, there are choices and chances and U are the only one to decide which of them to use
cheers!
mmm – great post Craig. right / wrong – old / young. All great questions and comments from your readers. Enjoy the absolute…..
very nice post…i wud go with the way of thinking as Catherine said in a comment tht “think for yourself, but consider other people”.
ur posts always help thinking of very small issues of daily life,which we neglect usually….but ofcourse they matter alot if we think on them seriously….
Funny, I have been thinking about this issue a lot lately. I have a 2 year old grand daughter, Rosie, that is with us quite a bit.
I am often torn about telling her something is right or wrong. Especially since she has been swearing lately or calling her mom a jerk.
Of course, she doesn’t know what it means but when she hear it said, its always with passion, which makes it more interesting to Rosie.
Is the word jerk ( Do Aussies use that word?) bad?
Is calling you Mom a jerk bad?
How about ” Damn it, Grandma!”?
I’m not eager to tell her things are always good or always bad.
always right or always wrong. Its not that I’m a wimp, I’m not.
Time is speeding up, things are changing so quickly. Our evolution is speeding up.
Whats a Grandma to do?
It is about the learning of the un-learning.
The more I learn, the more authoritative I, and others, think I am.
That might work for me as I mix it with life on this earth.
But beyond this conscious life, it is my un-learning of humankind’s self-centeredness and the bigger and better and newer me, that will allow me to bypass the firewall of the ‘what is’.
I am a dollop of some sort of energy attached to a human form in an infinite realm that has some sort of unexplainable link to my existence.
That is enough for me to completely ‘surrender’ the ‘me’ to whatever ‘is’.
Done deal!