The Marj Effect…
Off the back of yesterday’s post, I had a bunch of people (okay, maybe ten) say to me that if it was them who had the conversation with dear old Marj (my buddy from the plane), they probably would have been hurt and offended by what she had to say. My response was “really?” It didn’t even occur to me that she was being offensive – because she wasn’t (to me). Neither did I realise that perhaps I should have been emotionally scarred by her comments (Craig the removalist). I honestly didn’t feel offended for even one nanosecond. I simply found her perspective and thoughts to be fascinating, honest and refreshing. Hilarious even. I love to see how others see (if you know what I mean). Call it field research. The world is my class room, life is my teacher and yesterday Marj taught me not to take myself too seriously and that my reality is only my reality. Oh yeah… and that I’m not built like a writer. And that wearing a me-dot-com shirt is vain. Too funny.
The Gap Between Interesting and Offensive
Isn’t it interesting to know that my fascinating and interesting can be someone else’s offensive and hurtful; what will amuse me, will hurt someone else’s feelings? If things only have the meaning we give them (and they do), then surely a comment, reaction, behaviour or opinion from someone else can only be offensive to us if we let it be. Right? So that would make getting offended (or not getting offended) something that we can control, wouldn’t it? Maybe even a choice (with practice)? Surely getting offended isn’t really about what people say or do, but about how we interpret, process and react to those events and words. Of course some words will be more likely to offend, but a positive, negative or neutral response still comes down to individual interpretation and reaction.
Unreal Reality
In reality (the one we create in our head – there is no universal reality), you and I taking offence has very little to do with others and everything to do with us. That’s why different things will offend different people; it’s completely personal. We have rules and standards (consciously or not), which determine what will offend us and what won’t. We also have rules about who will offend us and who won’t. Have you ever noticed how you give some people much more rope (that is, choose not to get offended), while with others, (perhaps someone close to you) you have them on a very tight rein? Different rules? While some people are constantly finding new and creative ways to get hurt because on some level there’s a pay-off for them (attention, sympathy, leverage), others seem to sail through life without becoming a victim every time someone looks sideways. People can only hurt us (emotionally) if we give them that permission; if we let them. And curiously, some people seem to delight in handing over that power.
I hope you’re not one of them.
Ciao x
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Hi Craig,
Interesting perspective. I don’t often get offended by what people say to me…though I have been fairly lucky and as an adult haven’t had too many (not in my earshot anyway) I tend to just laugh it off. Wastes too much of my energy getting upset.
Marj was just commenting on what she saw and I don’t think it was all that insulting. You couldn’t do what you do and be precious really could you.
You wearing the tshirt lol…perhaps we should all be wearing them too lol!!! Where do I get one??? Club Craig woo hoo!
Hugs
Michelle xx
ps we are glad you do what you do!
OMG, Craig. Just went back and read yesterday’s post (too busy doing stuff lately to keep up with the blog – oops!)
Thanks for not being too precious to share that conversation. Best belly laugh I’ve had for a while.
Hi Craig,
That was actually a very interesting postmodern perspective – not bad for an aspiring removalist!
People can be divided into two groups: those you would tell without hesitation when they have something green stuck in their teeth and, well, the rest.
One should always aim to be in the first group, don’t you think? Far less angst and you’re less likely to make a goose of yourself if you can handle a little bit of honesty (honesty, of course, being entirely relative).
Glad you enjoyed your trip with Marj.
EG xx
I had to re-read yesterday’s blog post to see whether Marj’s comments were insulting since I didn’t see it that way the first time around. Honestly, it was more amusing than insulting. I believe different things can mean differently to different people; hence, the negative reactions from some readers. Personally, I try to avoid taking offense at other people’s comments. You’re right, after all. People can’t hurt you if you don’t let them.
Great blog with truths to chew on today! I am working on not being easily offended. Life is too short to hold grudges and be offended. And I agree with your statement that we get offended when we have “rules” regarding who and what will offend us. Another great blog today that I will print out and reread. Thanks Craig!
What came across to me yesterday was what a solid sense of self you have.
The post was a great laugh.
Morning Coach
(I just finished reading Tuesdays with Morrie yesterday – what a rare little gem that was. Thanks for the high praise you gave it – I found your article about it from earlier in the year).
Before I continue, I must reiterate that teachers are one of our greatest resources. Craig, please don’t stop doing what you do unless you have to… like, due to some weird and whacky illness.
I might be going off on a minor tangent here, but is being intimidated by certain ‘types’ of personalities a choice too? Why do some people intimidate us? What is it about them that instills so much fear in us that our head says ‘stay away from me – I don’t want to have to interact with you’? There’s been a few such people I’ve encountered in the past – often in the workplace. They make me feel like an ant, and I look up at their big boot that is ready to crush me in an instant.
Is it possible for me to choose not to feel threatened next time I come across such people?
Jules
Dear Mr Harper
Goodmorning to You
I learnt only yesterday that people can only hurt us emotionally – if we let them, actually, the only person who could ever get under my skin was my husband.
I will admit I have been an emotional disaster zone and decided to change my ways. Then my ex husband told me he wanted me back.
I am very excited about my new attitude
Blessings
I loved your story from yesterday! Marj reminded me of my mother, someone who does not understand the techno and changed world we live in. I tend to find my mothers reactions hilarious and even a little thought provoking and what is wrong with that!
Cheers M
I loved Marj’s conversation, loved your response to it…but whatever in the world does “being precious” mean???
Hi Michelle – if you be very good I might find you one…
( )
Hi EG – the question is… does that person want to be told about the green stuff in their teeth?
( )
We’re on the same page Henry – cheers
Hi Teri F
“Life is too short to hold grudges and be offended”
And holding a grudge serves no valuable purpose!
Cheers..
Thanks Karen.. ( )
Morning Jules / Grasshopper
Too many qestions and too little time for me (today)… but the good news is I don’t have any (immediate) plans to stop doing what I’m doing… ( )
Hi Anon – we have far more control than we know… if only we knew that and did something about it..
( )
Nothing at all Mary Anne ( )
Hi Dianna – someone who is ‘precious’ is easily and often offended (a big baby).
( )
Hi Craig.
I too had a giggle at your conversation with Marj. I wonder how I would have handled the conversation. Might not have been called a removalist tho. hee hee
I've finally learnt in recent years, to let people have their opinions/comments/ideas, cos I think we're all entitled to it & shows that perhaps they're intelligent enough to think for themselves, whether you agree or not. Of course, sometimes they're not so intelligent, but that's just my opinion…
Hugs to ya,
Pet
xoxo
PS Yeh I'm still here reading my daily dose of Craig
OOh Craig, I am always good lol…well at least mostly always good!
BTW I have figured out (clever, I am!) that while waiting for a fax to send is an ideal time to do squats. I managed to do 10 yesterday while sending a fax….not a good look at reception if there are patient’s in the waiting room though. OOh and we have a treadmill that I am going to ask if I am allowed to use and get there early and go on. How’s that for good!
Hugs,
Michelle xx
Craig,
I loved the Marj effect! I once had a boyfriend who really idolised the actress Melissa Tomei. One day after I carefully dressed up for a special date with him he looked at me in total admiration and said…”Youlook beautiful – almost as good as Melissa Tomei.”
Like you I was not offended for even one nanosecond as I realised this was the highest compliment he could pay me! To any outsider this comment may have been insensitive but to me it was precious!
Di.
Hey Craig! Yep, still in LA…Waiting at the Cheesecake Factory…August, was it?
BTW…Marj = classic!!!
I’ve had lots of ‘marj moments’ and these moments are more funny then offensive. When i’m feeling real down and sorry for myself i think of my ‘marj moments’ and have a good laugh. Opening your eyes and trying to find the humour in your life is sometimes the best therapy.
Craig it’s nice to see your not too precious. You remind me of a quote from Henry Rollins: “what doesn’t kill you, makes you a funny motherfucker.” And Craig, you are one funny motherfucker!
Don’t get offended by this it’s a compliment.
Ange
Brilliant post! I actually thought Marj was hillarious too!
Timely post. Was it directed at me?
I refuse to give my power over to anyone and today I believe was a turning point for me.
No-one has permission to hurt me and I choose to not react from now on.
I am woman – hear me roar!!!!!
Suu ()
Thanks for dropping by Pet… ( )
Hi Kettlebelle – yep, running a little late.. ( )
Thanks for the compliment(?) Ange..
( )
Thanks Raechelle – yep, Marj was the star of that story… ( )
Hi Suu!
Yes, it may have been! Good to hear you’re stepping up to the plate and not being controlled by situations, circumstances or other people… keep doing what you need to do, invest your emotional energy wisely, don’t focus on (dwell on) what you can’t change, don’t over-think and find the good.
A big hug for you ((( )))
Hope you’re bloke is okay and healing well…