Overcoming… Me.
It took me a long time to (truly) realise that my biggest challenge in life was me. Specifically: my thinking, my attitudes, my fear, my self-doubt, my self-limiting beliefs, my behaviours, my stupid (fear-based) decisions, my reactions, my inconsistency, my unwillingness to commit, my destructive habits, my inner dialogue, my excuse-making, my need-to-please, my propensity to over-analyse, my ego and low self-esteem. Just to name a few (phew).
Apart from all that, I was awesome. 
The Problem and the Solution
It’s like one day it dawned on me that if I could learn to manage me (specifically, my internal reality), I could manage pretty much anything. I realised that success or failure wasn’t so much about the situation, circumstances, environment, challenge or relationship I found myself in, it was about me in it. I was the problem. And the solution. If I could learn to get out of my own way, I could do, be and create (almost) anything.
This truth and awareness started to dawn on me in my early twenties – a few years into my self-discovery journey. In many ways, the last two decades have been an ongoing development and exploration of that initial insight and realisation. I’m still learning to manage me (I can be handful!) and I’m still discovering the best way to manage my physical, emotional, spiritual, psychological, creative and philosophical selves. Yep, I’m a multi-dimensional creature. Just like you. I’m both complex and simple.
But mostly simple.
What to Do?
So, if (like me) you’ve been known to shoot yourself in the foot from time to time (or maybe all the time) here are twenty-two no-brainers to help you overcome the cycle of self-sabotage. Some of you might want to put this list in a prominent place where you’ll see it often – like (stapled to) your forehead. Some of these will be revision for a percentage of you – depending on how long you’ve been part of the me-dot-com gang.
1. Stop being a people-pleaser.
2. Stop waiting for the right time.
3. Choose your attitude.
4. Stop relying on (or waiting for) motivation.
5. Get uncomfortable (Princess).
6. Stop being so safe.
7. Be prepared to fail.
8. Find the lesson.
9. Ask better questions.
10. Stop looking for approval, permission, protection and praise.
11. Learn your own truth.
12. Be solution-focused, not problem-obsessed.
13. React better.
14. Don’t sulk - seek.
15. Control what you can, let go of what you can’t.
16. Invest your emotional energy wisely.
17. Stop waiting for people to care.
18. Don’t wait for opportunities – create them.
19. Talk less. Listen more.
20. Don’t do what’s easy. Do what works.
21. Stop giving away your power.
22. Identify your core values. Live in alignment with them.
It just occurred to me that, in many ways, the above suggestions are a point-form summary of my overall personal-development philosophy. Nice.
Feel free to add to my list.
Note: Our winners of free stuff from last week are Kellie, Ester and Symone. Well done guys. Can you please send your postal details to Johnnie (via email) and we will send you a little sumthin’ for being ace. 
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23. Realise that some people will never be pleased so get out of their way and out of your way to please them – this is different to step 1 slightly because some of us, well me
still get lessons that keep coming up where I get stonewalled by people (I would also say domestic pets LOL). Put simply, you can pollayanny and walking on eggshells but when the shell breaks they abandon anyway.
24. Don’t play the victim BUT realise there are such things as victims and things happen that are unfair. Don’t feel guilty if anyone says you are a victim – there are two definitions of that word to me. Most of this anti-victim blame the victim attitude has come from those who don’t want to counsel others or listen to others bad stuff out of fear it will happen to them.
25. If you live by your core values, expect others, even your boss who holds your economic power by a string, to either question you or get rid of you and that includes husbands and wives, family etc. I learnt that my values are not in alignment with the world view on things; i.e. I would rather not participate in druken nights and picking up, others I hung around with disagreed with me, now i’m dumped.
26. Get off Twitter and Facebook NOW
NB: these are suggestions to add to the list, but they are my core values and what I have seen happen to me. I will also make one comment on Craig’s list – re approval seeking. We have discussed that on here last year, but again over Easter I found out that I am not approved by certain people despite the fact I tried to make things right. Did I learn another lesson again, I approve only of myself.
Bookmarked. Or should I say, subscribed. Thanks for your insight Craig.
@michael – Stay on Facebook and Twitter.
Alex
Thanks Craig, love the list, will definitely refer to it many times over. My team and I have been doing it tough lately (or maybe creating the tough or letting it be tough). Today, at our regular team catch up (to get us going for the day), we had a ‘if it’s to be, it’s up to me’ discussion. One of the best teams I have ever worked in referred to this saying as a bit of a mantra – no whinging, no complaining etc, if it was wrong or needed to be different, it was up to me to do something about it. If I didn’t think it was my responsibility, think again and if I really couldn’t ‘fix’ it, let it go, get over it, build that bridge and all that. We certainly achieved some amazing results and the team are still strong (although all on different paths now) and keep in touch. One of those work times that you just know won’t be replicated.
Anyway, only had to remind the team of our ‘If it’s to be it’s up to me’ a couple of times today and I certainly had a much better day.
Now just to keep helping lead the team through this and take back our happy and successful work lives.
thanks again, will be sharing the list tomorrow.
Great list. I feel totally motivated to tackle life. My favourties 3, 7 & 16.
more great tips. thx Craig…
RPC
This is yet another great post. I love being part of your me-dot-com gang. Have been for the past two years.
Be selfish
Work out what you do like about yourself
Realise that life is cyclical. It’s never going to be 100% good all of the time and you have to go with the flow, not against it.
Take time to work out what really makes you happy now (silly things like the smell of an orange.)
Learn a little every day.
this is a great list …
been meaning to get back here for while and so glad i did
i do about 22 of these things
lou
Nice list there Craig! Gotta put it up in some place prominent! Not sure if I can think of much to add to it.
Living in line with our core values can at times be tough…………..but it does cause satisfaction in the long term! We won’t regret it if we live in accordance to our values……………..where as we may regret it if we self sabotage for short term pleasure.
Getting out of my own way? I believe this information will be very helpful to me and I am going to start today with #1 Stop being a people-pleaser. I can write a book on being a people pleaser.
That was quite the list of things you had about yourself – besides that you were awesome
Good line. Some of those hit home with me. I’ve gotten some of them conquered – others are still foes to be slain. Thanks!
Embrace solitude, alone time gives you the opportunity to think, to review your goals and make new ones, to relax, to dream, to recharge, etc. Everyone, no matter how busy, needs a little time to themselves, and should carve out some time every week, regardless.
Craig:
yippi, keep them coming. I agree
I’m really impressed that you had the personal insight to commence and continue this journey on your own Craig. It’s taken me a lifetime (well … 35 years – actually, nearly 36) of being so focused on pleasing others and thinking so little of myself that I worked myself to a point that I broke down and it had to be that bad for me to look at myself and realise I needed to commence this journey myself.
And now 12 months post-break down – it’s happening – I’m not awesome yet
but I’m now:
- less into pleasing others – it still happens a little bit but I’m aware that I’m doing it & then make an effort to discontinue those actions
- living without the need for praise, acceptance etc – I have my own praise and it’s the only one I need
- letting go of what I don’t need to control (this was a biggie)
- ok with failing sometimes – it’s a chance to have another crack at it – or find something else that might be a better option
- not giving away my power (usualy done to please others, get their acceptance etc.) – this has caused me to lose people I called friends – but I now realise I had just mislabelled them
- have identified my core values (I actually had lost touch with them completely) – I now am learning about where to set my boundaries and people who accept and respect them get called ‘friend’ and those who don’t – well, they can find their own place in the sun away from me …
I now invest my emotional energy in a much more efficient way. I’m not spot on with it all yet – but I’m getting there – and I’m happier, less anxious and to end on an eloquent note – I’m not forcing myself to tolerate all of that crap
Allyson
lol, how wonderful to get to the end of cutting and pasting yet another of your kick-arse thought provoking pieces (for quick reference during the inevitable wobbly times!) to see I had won some free stuff. You are making this journey of mine a lot better equipped than my previous attempts at significant personal change!
Craig – if you read this, can I ask a favour please. I just want to write this. I hope that is ok.
I was thinking about you last night (don’t get off track
) reflecting on the posts I have read since joining mid last year.
One of the things I noticed, including those on here that are married because often married people don’t move without their partner’s consent, is this:
You advocate a ‘go it alone’ ‘follow your own path’ mentality. You talked about going to university, as I did, much older and not being married etc etc. As I am.
But that is sometimes at odds with my desire for company and friedships. I find my friendships, some of my family, my ex work, not my new employer and my peers, i’m always at odds with. Granted, I have mild aspergers and find social contacts and group things difficult.
But Craig, in following your own path, and many have commented on yours and CJ’s blog postings, is often the sense of, partnered or not, a go it alone path to take. Often this can result in being left out of society. I have lost my last job, I had to resign, because I didn’t agree with the direction of the office, not the organisation, hence my core value of harmony was not in line with others and overrode my need for economic security.
However, where I notice this a lot is with friendships. Again, being aspergers, I can misunderstand people’s intentions and words, but I find my peer group’s behavours not in line with my core values. For example, I crave a relationship, yet I don’t chase it like the others do. I was out with them one night and they were moaning about being single and spent the night chasing others, getting drunk and making idiots of themselves. When I said I’d rather be home writing my reports one got violent, won’t speak to me and they have posted nasty things about me online. These are men over 40 not young Gen Y’s (who frankly have better attitudes sometimes).
Now my point in asking all this is not to solve this issue. Rather, to me, you seem to advocate going your own way, your own goals. But what if these are incompatable with society? I don’t mean my goal is criminal or anti-social. Rather, I want to do things that my peer group don’t and I get called all sorts of names and have had threats. Then there are the subtle fears others bring up especially around working for self “oh what about your super” “oh the economy, you will end up in the gutter’. And of course being overweight sure enough they bring that issue up; ironically some of them in my peer group are overweight, smoke unlike me, take drugs and drink heavily.
I just wonder sometimes if it is better to people please. But when you do that, as I have found out, can have just as bad effects as well when you watch your p’s and q’s people don’t like it. You can’t win.
I suppose getting out of my way is accepting that maybe our path being different is totally ok if it ain’t hurting others. Just sometimes I would rather be accepted and loved, but not at the expense of my path. Asking too much of life perhaps?
Thanks for reading.
Hi Craig,
Great post , consider it stapled !
I so need to get out of my own way, so I can be fabulous !
Simone
Great post Craig…..will have to print this off & see if I can add to it….ahem…..& perhaps do it!! hee hee
Michael….please go find some real friends. QUALITY friends. You sound like a person with a big heart that cares. These people sound like they dont deserve you in their life. If they want to carry on like d!ckheads, let them be. If you dont like their behaviour, then just leave. You dont have to give them a reason. I always remember my Oma saying to me, “You dont need to make an excuse to leave. I’m happy that you’ve visited & when its time for you to go, just say that” Find people that appreciate you for you…….but dont forget you need to appreciate/love/respect etc yourself as well & when you have that, then others will follow. Big hugs to you Michael.
How ironic one of them int he group calls me ‘Pet”. How karmic is that
Thank you for those words Pet I needed them. I was upset that they stonewall me, that’s always something that happens when one has aspergers, we misunderstand and fights happen a lot because what I see in the world isn’t what they see.
Thanks again I appreciate the comment helped a lot.
23. Stop over thinking it. Take Action!
I’m trying to make this my personal mantra.
Love the list! Thanks Craig.
Geez Michael….Aspergers eh? I didnt know much about it, so I googled it & now I have some idea. That makes things tough for you eh? At least you’re making an effort to interact with others, so you’re not letting your condition get the better of you…..or are you? Hmmm?? Cut yourself some slack & just have fun out & about or on your own
Hi everyone. As always, thanks for sharing your thoughts.
A big hello to all our newbie commentors – thanks for coming out of the cyber-shadows – nice to meet you.
Wow Michael, you raise some interesting issues and ask some great questions – I don’t have half an hour to answer this in depth but I’ll address one part. I’d like to hear others ideas an suggestions on your comment…
I don’t think my messages about creating our best lives (whatever that means personally) or choosing our best path is more (or less) suited to singles. Married or single, I believe we still need to explore, discover and embrace what is best (or maybe better) for us while still taking into account the feelings and needs of those we care for. Yes, it’s messy at times. Yes, it’s a compromise at times.
There will always be times when we do things just to please others – because we care for therm – but a life that is nothing but people-pleasing is an exhausting and ultimately miserable journey.
It’s my belief that the people who really care about you (Michael) should be supportive of, and understanding of, your needs, goals and aspirations.
Lastly, my personal growth journey is not something I take alone, it’s something I share with many of my friends and family – and a few squillion on the net…
Awesome list – thanks! Will definitely keep it close by!
Thanks Craig and thank you Pet.
I just came to the realisation my needs did not consist of sitting on chatlines and going to pubs bitching about others, when what I wanted was just to continue my writing. I got in the way of me, not them, but yes Craig I tried again to smooth things over with the latest friends, but they stonewalled me again and the reason: I just said I didn’t want to indulge in behaviour that belitted others. So I suppose if they want to do it I don’t, so problem solved.
Thank you again.
Cool list Craig.
I might just add…
Un-clench and breathe.
Craig, great post & great site, thanks. Lots of useful info here.
23. Enthusiasm spreads.
Nicola
Perfect timed for me – thank you so much Craig
Hi Craig,
I really enjoy waking up in the morning & having my coffee whilst reading your emails. It is such a good way to start the day reading what inspirational message you have to offer and more often than not it is something that I can take on board and bring into my own life.
But I ask you this…..why is it that some personalities enjoy having there bodies/minds/choices/lives challenged and are open to ideas, growth and change and others are just so blantently pig headed and firmly believe that where they are is just perfect despite the fact that they are miserable, overweight, unfit & unhealthy mentally & physically? Or is it that they have a distorted view/feel of what happiness is, are they so use to this feeling that real actual happiness is now a foreign feeling. Mmmm just a thought!
Cheers
Denise
Hi Craig,
A special thanks for the points 10 and 15. They have really touched my heart
Every day of my life is dedicated to achieve Point 10 , i.e. stop looking for approval , praise , etc.
I hope I am successful. I can tell you from my personal experience that the biggest burden in life is that of expectations.
Here are my two cents to add to the list above
1) Live life by this phrase – “this too shall pass”
2) Accept your life/destiny the way it is. Get some spiritual education. It really helps to cope with life
Cheers!
Spiderman
23. Focus on what you want.
24. Remember the bigger picture.
Thanks for a great post!