When Success Equals Failure
It’s a given that we all want to be successful. If only we knew what that meant for us personally. Of course my success won’t necessarily be yours or vice versa. In fact, my triumph could be your disaster. My exam success (a C+ for example) could be your failure. My best ten kilometre run time could be a terrible result for you. My new dream job could be your worst nightmare. And my ‘amazing’ new salary could be your spare change.
See: different things for different people. Which is why we need to define success for our own life. Our own purpose. Our own future. What does success look, feel, sound and smell like for you?
In a Hurry to Nowhere
The number of busy people who are perpetually rushing towards nowhere in particular is quite astounding. You know some of them. You might even be them? The very busy going around in circles brigade, I call them. A lot of time, energy and effort for very little in return. Other than frustration, that is. Some people work very hard to stay in the same place. Even though they desperately want to be somewhere else. Time for a new plan perhaps.
Or any plan?
The Frustrated Fraternity consists of three sub-groups:
- Those who lack clarity and certainty about what success looks like for them.
- Those who do know what they want but aren’t really sure how to acquire it.
- Those who know what they want and know how to get it but aren’t prepared to do the work, pay the price or endure the discomfort.
Are you in one of these groups?
The Plan?
Stand back and take an objective, unemotional look at how we humans operate and it will become apparent that on some level, many of us hope that success will somehow ‘find’ us. That it will miraculously fall on our heads from a great height, perhaps. Or that things will somehow work themselves out. That’s not a plan; it’s a delusion. Success doesn’t happen to us; we create it.
Or we don’t.
While some things will always be beyond our control, for the most part, success or failure (in our world) will invariably come back to the decisions we make and the things we do. Or in the case of many; the decisions we don’t make and the things we don’t do. Too many of us are masters of avoidance and procrastination. We know what to do but we don’t do what we know. For a range of reasons.
In Pursuit of Better Results
While we clearly have an ever-expanding range of success tools (books, CDs, DVDs, blogs, workshops, coaches) at our finger tips, the reality is that we (the collective we) don’t seem to be producing better results than we did pre the self-help revolution (take a look around). Today I’ve decided that, rather than presenting an unnecessarily lengthy dissertation that few people will remember or act on, I will break the success journey down into four fundamental steps. Feel free to put them on your fridge. Or maybe tattoo them on your bicep. Or forehead. 
This is a formula that I use with many of the people I coach.
These steps work if you do.
1. Define it. Get clear, certain and specific about what you want (and don’t want) for your life. Understand not only what you want but why you want it. When it comes to your long-term happiness (the universal goal), the ‘why’ will always be more important than the ‘what’ because the what is about your head, whereas the why is about your heart.
2. Prepare for it. Make (courageous) decisions, adjust your attitude, ask the right questions, set goals, plan strategically, research, organise, commit.
3. Build it. Take action, keep taking action, explore your potential, adapt, persevere, deal with the discomfort, do what most won’t, take more action.
4. Enjoy it. Allow yourself to enjoy what you’ve achieved. Stop finding your way back to misery. Learn to be in the moment. Love and appreciate the now; it’s all you’ll ever have.
Get Busy. Stop over-thinking. 
xx
{ 19 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi Craig,
Yes we’re like little mice on the perpetual treamill chasing meaningless stuff!! We need to put on the brakes and reassess what’s important to us. When we are in the chair at the old people’s home, can we sit there watching “Deal or no Deal” with all the others,eating the mushy stuff happily?- can we do so with a smile -knowing we lived life well and had no regrets about missing out through being too busy to actually live it well. I want lots of good memories to pull up by then.
Yeah, I’m in one of your subgroups – the ‘Those who know what they want and know how to get it but aren’t prepared to do the work, pay the price or endure the discomfort.’ Or should I say, I was a member of that group. The beauty of the whole ‘change’ process thing is that at any moment in time you can really turn yourself around and create change that lasts more than 2 hours. It stems from just a single choice that we are all capable of. Doesn’t mean we’ll drop 20 kg of fat overnight or grow big biceps after an hour at the gym. Once you are seriously [genuinely] serious about the non-negotiables you create for yourself, then you’re set.
I really like your 4-step plan of attack, Craig. And yes, I will use it this time, promise
I’ve committed to climbing Mera Peak – deposit paid. Soon, I believe the flights will be booked too. No turning back for me. But why? Because… its a personal challenge: a physical, mental and emotional challenge, and an opportunity for significant personal growth – to develop my confidence, my belief in myself, to overcome challenges and to NOT FRIGGEN GIVE UP when things get hard.
Can we define, prepare and build Team Amazing? Pleeeease. Or had you forgotten?
Hi Craig,
Many years i have tried to lose weight and many years i have failed , i cant tell you how many times i joined weight watchers only to say that i should be part owner in the company now.
Im so tired of trying and failing that i cant find the strength to fight anymore.
I got down to 80 kilos once and felt great but i was also going through depression and wasnt eating and walking heaps.
Now i ask myself is it really worth trying only to fail once again. I dont know, I really dont know.
I want to be fit and be able to fit into nice clothes and finally learn to love this body i so hate.
Whats the point if i am only going to fail once again. Ive done the time walking till it hurt and pushing and losing the weight only to get tired and have the weight come back on and bring its friends.
Whats the point of even forcing myself when i dont see the results.
I want the magic cure im sick of fighting myself for it Im tired of trying and yet something inside me keeps pushing me,urging me to do it and i resist it.
I dont think i am worth the pain and hard work anymore.this is my destiny to be a big girl so i had better get used to it.
Scary to see these people with no goals drifting.
I can usually tell a person with a goal, a plan ant the willingness ti act from a mile away. There is something in the way this person walk, looks, something on her facial expression. Makes me realize how important having a path and doing something YOU want with your life is.
Eduard
Have you been wandering around in my brain again? Next time have the decency to say Hello!
I find myself in all three categories in some aspect or another, but it probably all stems from the ‘don’t know what I want’ category. I have a pretty good idea how I want to live my life, but I still haven’t found that one thing that just sets my soul on fire! I SO admire people who have discovered something they are truly passionate about! That’s gotta be the greatest feeling in the world! I hear the excitement in their voices! They’re just bubbling over! And I’ve spent a LOT of time trying to figure out what that great passion is for me, to no avail. So, in the mean time, I do what I can to contribute to other people’s passionate pursuits!
In other aspects, I know what I want, but I’m not sure how to get there. I know I want to build a new house on a river in NW Florida (I have pictures of the house and the riverfront property, but don’t own either!). I want to travel extensively (yes, Australia is DEFINITELY on my to-do list!), make sure my kids have what they need to live independent and prosperous lives, and continue to help others help themselves. Now, to figure out how I’m going to do those things… Actually, I have a rough outline of a plan, but I’m not sure how to make the plan work.
As for the ‘not willing to pay the price’ category, I keep focusing on ‘learning’ but find myself afraid to ‘do’ anything with it. What if I lose all my money investing in a business? What if it’s actually harder, and more costly, than I think it will be? How do I know people will actually pay me? What if someting goes wrong and people get angry? What if I really don’t know what I’m doing and end up falling on my face? Or, worse, getting sued? What if I can’t do all this by myself? Who would help me? I’m not outgoing enough. How would I bring in business? I’m terrible at conversation. How can I convince people that I am the right person to do business with? I’m not aggressive enough. How can I be competitive? (I grew up in a business that served a critical basic need, and essentially had no competition.) What can I do that nobody else can do? And the list goes on! I keep questioning myself right out of an answer! Damn! Guess I need to get out the BB gun and start shooting at those self-doubt issues again!
As for your four steps, I’ve been stuck on step one for years! I know the ‘why’, but I’m still struggling to discover the ‘what’!
GRRRR! Back to the drawing board…
Have a great day all!
Sandra
Hi Craig,
Why did the chicken cross the road?
Because he stopped reading ‘The Power of the Chicken’ over and over.
He stopped getting his feathers ruffled after every criticism.
He stopped giving up at every speedhump.
He realised that his little chicken friends didn’t believe him anymore.
But most of all …
He stopped clucking around waiting for the other side to come to him.
Cool chicken, huh?
Have an amazing Monday.
Christina xxx
GAIL:
It sounds like you are run down. Stop fighting. You clearly aren’t winning. I want you to think about the ‘why’ Craig speaks of. Joining WW again doesn’t sound like the answer for you. Try something else. Don’t keep doing what has not work for you. Losing weight doesn’t need to be ‘100% hard work.’ How about looking at a 75kg Gail in the mirror in 6 months time? A more confident, happy and fulfilled Gail? Is it the food bit, the exercise bit or the mental bit that is your main barrier? Whichever it is, you got to examine why and come up with solutions.
The food bit is just about eating good food and saying ‘no, I don’t need that’ to the ‘bad’ stuff. You are worthy of being in control of your body, of your life, of your mind and your future. Please don’t give up. YOU ARE WORTH being healthy, fit, strong and happy.
The exercise thing. Find something you enjoy so it isn’t a chore and something you hate. Boxing class? An outdoor group training session?
The head stuff. You’re in the right place – just search the Craig archives
Find a role model or something else that inspires you to build your best body, and your best life.
Stop getting in your own way. Promise me that? Be patient with it too. Don’t weigh yourself every morning and obsess over the numbers. We’re all here to support you too. If you need an AP (accountability partner) just yell out.
Take care. I hope that offers you the strength to ’start again.’
Commitment… Ahhh
i woke up Sat morning and as I was sitting in the car ‘checking’ my form when when this guy came up to me and said I have a parcel for Kate Toms… I said great …that is me!
As i turnt it over it had HARPERS written on the back. feelling very special for a personal delivery on a Sat AM my mind wandered to should I or should I NOT have that SKIM CAP that has now been removed from my program…. I ripped the parcel open and there was this black SHIRT… that said SUCK IT UP PRINCESS… So on that note I went ordered the CAP and boy did I suck that up!
Anyway after that I headed straight to the gym to particpate in my usual Yoga and then boxing. Upon getting into BOXING the trainer says ahh you Yoga ppl cant even BOX right.. I turnt and said oh babe you cant even hit the positions we can .. he laughed and on that NOTE i said I have a shirt for you and opened up the SUCK IT UP PRINCESS, as he is well bigger than a 10 he laughed and then said actually Kate.. and started stretching this shirt out .. can i have it to train some chicks…I said sure..
Now you would think that would be the end of the story however we alsohave the usual ‘it is never me, self obsessed’ boxer in the room who said KATE WHERE IS MINE, I turnt aournd and said when you give me $20 I will buy you the YOUR NOT THE BOSS OF ME SHIRT… which he responded I will wear when with you…. Thank god he is never with me… So the morals to the story is 1)firstly thanks Craig and Johnny for the Shirt,
2) I need to order more
3) Your princess now has a bigger audience:)
Love you all
Hi Gail.
A few things for your consideration:
1. You have the potential to lose the weight and keep it off – that’s a fact, not an opinion.
x
2. You will never lose the weight with your current mindset.
3. I can encourage, support and educate you until I’m blue in the face, but you’re the one who controls the calories in and out – so the result will always come back to you.
4. Change works from the inside out. Genetics and age aside, your body will always be a byproduct of your internal reality. Your body doesn’t make decisions (about food, exercise, lifestyle), your mind does.
5. If it was easy to have a great body we’d all have one. It isn’t and we don’t.
6. Everything has a price. You need to figure out if you’re willing to pay it.
7. We can all find a million reasons to give up, get offended or stop doing whatever it was we started, you need to be the exception.
8. A hug for you…
Hiya Craigo,
Nice post … everyone loves a good step-by-step plan … especially when it’s only four steps!!! How EASY is that?!!!!!
“If only it were that easy …,” I used to say. Now I know better. With the right mindset anything can be “easy” … but, like you say, you have to want to pay the price and you have to want to do the work.
It all starts with a decision and sometimes making that decision is the hardest. I thought drinking alcohol was so engrained in my lifestyle that I could never give it up. Not without being a total weirdo. But I have stopped. I’m a non-drinker. Pissed a few people off … triggered a few pregnancy rumours (mother-in-law will be disappointed when I don’t “grow”) … but I am happy. It’s the “easiest” thing I’ve ever done!!!
Christina: I’m loving your comment Chicky! Gold. Inspired gold! You do actually rock, you know that?!!!
Gail: Try to open your heart and take on board everything Craig said above. The “guru” knows what he’s talking about!!! Stay strong.
Have a nice Monday guys.
Em
( ) x
Hi Gail,
I just wanted to say that in all reality maybe a goal of 75kg is good and maintanable and NO you dont have to eat lettuce leafs to get there… simply work out how many CALORIES you need each day to weight this (without excericse if you dont do that) and then set the amount of the minus 200 a day (as we cheat ourselves anyway) and honestly it wouldnt matter if that was 3000 caloires in snickers bars… you will loose the weight.. and probably keep it off as you can eat whatever you wnat within that range.
Honestly NO WW or anything worked for me and I tried 1000 times at many things but I never Failed as I AM SO GOD DAMN DETERMINED NOW
Continued … for Gail…
That when I set to achieve something I know I will as I have successfully managed a size 10 for ages now.. and trust me I spent years looking for what worked for me putting it on, off, on, off – how boring I had to find something else to do… take i easy and go back to STEP 2 of CRAIGS points.. nowhere does it say LETS GET PERFECT………………
Too much effort 4 steps where are those Tim Tams
Thanks Craig and Jules and Kate.
I guess after hearing “Im not good enough” for such a long time i have come to believe it.
Craig, how do i change the mindset of “not wanting to do the hard yards all over again”?
I dont need to be mentally beaten up Im quite good at doing that to myself with no help.
Maybe not thinking about it so much will give my mind a rest and be refreshed to start the journey again.
Oh and thanks to Em from Jem for the wise words.
Kate,
You certainly brightened my day with your fantastic story. Gee i love a good story.
One thing which i think was overlooked in the four steps to success was mini-goals. I think goals must be broken down into smaller goals over two-week periods (for a six-month goal) and there must be rewards at the milestones. I find if i dont break the goal into mini-goals i become unmotivated.
Gail, you are worth ANY amount of effort that it takes to be who you want to be! Don’t give up on yourself! You hang in there! I don’t know you, don’t know what you look like, don’t know what kind of person you are, or what kind of lifestyle you live. But none of those things matter. What matters is that you are a person, a living, breathing, human being. THAT makes you worth it! Don’t ever forget that!
Best of luck to you in being the best YOU there is!
Sandra
Hey Everyone – thanks for your input and feedback. Good stuff as always. t’s about a bazillion degrees in Melbourne today so I’m doing my best to avoid spending my day over the top of a keyboard….
Group Hug ( ) xx
Gail
See, it’s no problem at all for us to be here to support you (and each other). How about you consider this and give it a go. It will work if YOU make it work. I want you to forget about the ten or more times you’ve signed up and walked away from WW and whatever else you’ve tried. Just don’t go there again. Just start from wherever you are now. If you take the notion that PERCEPTION IS REALITY, do whatever it takes to make yourself believe that this is the first time that you have decided you will create a healthy and active lifestyle. And, more importantly, don’t look at it as a short term thing you’ll quit and walk away from. “If you don’t quit, you’ll make it” – as Shelley Taylor-Smith says. How else does anyone cross the English Channel, climb Everest, do Ironman Triathlons or marathons or do a billion bicep curls in their lifetime or whatever other ‘crazy’ pursuits people set their sights on?
Mick – that’s a great point you made about creating mini-goals for yourself and the reward system.
There are as many interpretations of success as there fingerprints!
Don’t be caught up in defining my success now, or my future success, in terms of the success of another.
My success is personal to me.
My success is not dependent on the cheering or admiration of others.
If that is why I strive for success, then I will be doomed to slip on my feet, over and over.
What will my success be dependent on?
It will be dependent on my state of mind being devoid of conflict!
Only then will I be able to become one with my own personal success, that will not have a rats to do with anything or anyone else outside of myself.
So the question now becomes…”How do I void my mind of conflict?”
I may start by ditching the incessant drive to be something that I am not. If I have a major goal, then that goal must be put aside, for it will create a state of angst as I strive for it. My feet will slip in the ditch.
My goal must be only small achievable steps, that as I negotiate them and experience them, they will form and add up to a larger attainment, the goalposts of which may very will move, as the steps evolve.
I can focus naturally on those small steps, if I drop the outside focus on trying to resolve the unhappiness and conflicted state of mind that exists with my dream chasing or bitterness of an agonising life to date.
Conflict only exists because I compare ‘what is’ to what ’should be’.
Exploring why I do that, will usher in pure and utter success!
Success is here NOW, so long as I commit to doing that, one small step at a time!
Success will begin with the dropping of any comparison.
If I dare to compare…I fail! But if I dare to fail and learn, I win
Not feeling conflicted about a fail is one of the small steps of stepping into MY success resolved of attached conflict.
Stepping out of the missteps of conflict, will step me into success!
And YES! I do possess all the tools I need to do that, they are within!
Step in and find them!
No one else can do that for me, I must do it…….unless my conflictual state persuades me otherwise, that my success is only dependent on someone else, not me!