Here’s a conversation I’ve had with many people in my role as a coach.
Day One. Conversation one.
“So, tell me about you.”
“What do you want to know?”
“I want to get to know you, so share whatever you’d like to tell me – about you.”
“About me?”
“Yep, you.”
“Well, I’m married and I have two almost-grown-up kids.”
“That’s nice but, for the moment, I don’t want to know about your family. Just you.”
“Okay, I’m a partner in a city law firm.”
“Well done… but I don’t want to know about your job, your qualifications or where you work either. Tell me about you. Just you.”
“Hmm…er, I’m five foot ten, I have brown hair, green eyes and I need to lose ten kilos.”
“Are you a body?”
“What?”
“Are you a body or are you more than a body?”
“More.”
“Then stop telling me about what you’re not.”
“What aren’t I?”
“A body.”
“Oh, that’s right.”
“Now, tell me about you.”
“Okay, I smoke and drink too much.”
“Are you a nasty habit?”
“No.”
“Then stop telling me what you’ve done to your lungs and liver and start telling me who you are.”
“I’ll tell you who I am right now; I’m frustrated!”
“Are you an emotion?”
“Shit!”
“Well, you can ‘feel’ frustrated but you can’t ‘be’ an emotion, so who are you beyond the emotion?”
“My brain hurts.”
“I hear that often.”
“I bet. What do you want to know again?”
“I want you to tell me who you are beyond the titles, the responsibilities, the address, the assets, the bank balance, the experiences, the fears, the feelings, the emotions, the reputation, the achievements, the physical dimensions and the numerous issues.”
“How do you know about my issues?”
“We all have them.”
“You?”
“Especially me. But, they don’t define me.”
“To be honest, I think my career is a big part of who I am.”
“Really?”
“Yep.”
“So, if (for some strange reason) you couldn’t be a lawyer, does that mean you wouldn’t be a complete person any more?”
“Er…”
“Exactly how much of you would be left if we took away your job? Seventy-five percent? Fifty?”
“Shut up.”
“So, maybe your career isn’t who you are at all? Maybe it’s just what you do?”
“Why do I need to know who I am anyway?”
“So you can be you of course.”
“But I am me!”
“And who is that exactly?”
“….. I’m not sure.”
“Now we’re getting somewhere.”
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I used to be afraid of losing ‘stuff’ (my job, apartment …). Three years ago, I found myself in a situation where I coud not bear my manager’s treatment of me any longer (you know, the type who makes remarks about your personality and lies as he breathes…). And there came a memorable day in my life from which my knowledge of myself truly dates. It dawned on me that that the only thing I really and truly possess in this life is my self-esteem. It is the only thing worth protecting. Jobs and apartments may change but what I am will always be there.The rest is ‘stuff’ you can get any time if you work hard enough (and I’ve never had trouble with that).
I leave it to your imagination to guess what happended next. I’ll only add that I’ve never been afraid losing ‘stuff’ again. Fear is the poison of life.
Yes Anon same experience and fear is a poison
Craigo,
We’ve never had that conversation, but we could have (probably should have)!!
But dude!! You can’t leave us hanging like that!!! Where’s the 10-step plan to “discover” yourself. I need a 10-step plan!!
I don’t know about anyone else … but that conversation could have been with me. After 30 years, I would have thought I’d know myself, but I don’t. I think it’s time to take some quiet time away from all the things I’m not and focus on who I am.
Hmm.
Thanks Craig!!
Em
( ) x
because you r obviously interested – i am energy
kate
I am made up of all the things I love to do.
Funny how society pegs us by what we do and not who we are.
I was mightily relieved when I finally came to the conclusion that I am not my achievements nor my failures. That was a great day!
A few years ago I went on a short term exposure trip to the Philippines which involved a group of us travelling around and meeting the day to day people of the community. It was eye opening as we met families who lived on rubbish dumps and in the most unlivable situations yet all of them seemed to have a real sense of who they were and it wasn’t based on what they did to earn money or what they owned. We had to stand up and introduce ourselves and tell people a bit about ourselves when we met a new group of community members. I wasn’t working at the time I went so I really noticed that each member of our group stood up and repeated the same thing, what was basically what they did for a employment. Which none of the people we were meeting could relate to, for example an IT specialist was meaningless to them. Defining yourself by all that is external really isn’t the way to go and it was the first awakening for me and the starting point of this journey I am on.
Crazy awesome post Craig! It’s so refreshing to see that we are more than our jobs, habits, emotions, etc. Our social constructs have defined us by these standards, but then again we let ourselves be defined that way. But, then it begs the question…what are we?
I am who I am.
Wonder if anyone else read this and sat laughing as they did so. I did. A nervous reaction perhaps. Yep, that conversation could have been with me too.
I’ll be 36 next month and am still unsure of who I am once the labels have been removed. The good thing is that I know more now than I did a few years ago so there’s still hope
How does it go?
“Not what I should be, not what I could be. Not who I want to be but sure not who I used to be”
Hey Craig
Well, today I’m not sure who I am… my dearest friend of 28 years passed away very suddenly this morning at the age of 55 and I feel like a big part of me has gone with him. My head knows that’s not true but tell it to my heart…….
{{BIG HUG}}
Tina
Craig… Tell me/us a bit about yourself. I’d like to know more.
I am me, a person that I very much like and love today. It took me many years to get where I am today. Who I am stays the same in some ways and constantly changes in others every day. I am not the person today that I will be tomorrow. Such a simple question to have such a complicated answer. My best answer would be to use a quote from someone else that I like. No idea who originally said it. I am a spiritual being having a human experience.
I am not my actions but they do help to define me. I am not my job which is a good thing because I haven’t had a job in about 5 or more years. Being a wife and mother are just small parts of who I am. It takes many parts to make up a whole. In essense, I am a spark of the Divine living in a human body. What we experience does help to define who we are but still isn’t who we are.
Okay, Craig, you have to write another post and tell us who you are.
Hi, I love this. Oh boy I knew exactly where this was going. This really excites me. When I get asked who I am, I reply I just am. Now if you want to ask me the type of person I am than that would be another subject. You want to ask me what is important to me I will reply Love. When we love success and wealth will always follow. This is terrific
Hugs to you.
Ok…I am a bit of a lurker in the shadows but after reading this I had to post.
Not only do I “get” it, I was laughing all the way through it. I thought (eventhough I don’t think it was supposed to be?) it was the funniest thing that I have read in a long while. Could that possibily be a nervous thing? Possibly as I certainly have no clue who I am but after reading this, I guess I know who I am not.
Thanks Craig, but like some of the others….can I have the 10 step plan too!!!!
I’m an Experiencier (new word for the week)
I experience things.
I Am
Love it!!! – I think one of the steps to starting to know who you are is learning to be!! Very hard to be and not to do – still struggle with that but I think it is a key.
A work in progress
Interesting topic Craig. Many many people don’t have a clue just like you mentioned.
How does one find the real them?
I was 36yo & I almost died in a very serious car accident when I found out who I am. Even though I’ve lost my health & most of my material possessions I’ve got the things that truly matter-my characteristics. Boy have I used them!
I no longer judge anyone. It took a serious car accident & losing almost everything to make me learn who I am & I’m glad….
Very drastic I know. I’m truly happy with myself now & although everyday is a battle I’m truly glad that I’ve gone through this. I now love me!
Have a wonderful day!
Smiles,
Jen
Hugs for you Tina (( ))
Patricia and Flicity… You want to know who I am? Don’t you know me by now?
I am a growing and evolving being. I am constantly learning things about myself, others and life.
I am happy and quietly confident of my abilities and know I have so much to give. I am kind, gentle and caring. I am friendly yet I am shy if I don’t know you. I am dependable and loyal. I am persistent and resilient. I am a little lazy when it comes to routine things like housework, doing a tax return and so on. I am a hard worker when working towards a cause that I care about.
I am passionate about fitness and health. I am pursuing and living my passion both for myself and to help others. I am still discovering what my deepest passion is within this field.
I am a person with incredible potential. I am afraid to fully unlock my potential. I am fearful of making mistakes. I am fearful of failure. Thank goodness I am too stubborn to give up now.
I am constantly discovering more about who I am. I am currently working towards the who I can be.
– I AM A WORK IN PROGRESS -
That could have been me… and I agree with Em from Gem – how do I find out who I am???
I have written down the principles I want to live by, how I want people to see me… but that doesn’t answer your question… which has become my question!
Hi,
gee.. this would have been me all over .. it has left me reeling . its my birthday today and well i still dont kow who i am i have been on a self searching journey for sometime.. though i think i am reaching the hump… and maybe the answer is just there.. thanks
God, I feel sorry for that person and Im sure I couldn’t come up with a deep answer either! And yes it made my brain hurt! Geez Mr H its not even 10am yet. Jen, I know how going through a life/death experience helps you redefine what is important but Im not sure it helped me ‘see the light’ on who I really am yet. Still working on that one. I love Leanne’s answer – wish I had something that indepth to say. Going away to think about this one.
That is deep.. Craigo
I can relate to the bit about taking away your job etc does that define who you are?
My youngest just got his license and I no longer have to be somewhere to pick up or drop of or run around etc for the first time in 21 years and I don’t mind saying I feel redundant…. So some soul searching is required.
I am more than the local Taxi, the cook & cleaner..I am me, as the previous posts said ” a work in progress, always learning”
Sue
Leanne M. You should write a book. That was excellent. Speaking of books Craig…..where is your latest?
This is a goodie. It is a pithy reminder I have pinned up on my office wall.
“If you know neither yourself nor your enemy, you will succumb in every battle”
ART OF WAR, Sun Tzu (300BC)
I am a holographic part of the whole; I’m a gestalt; I’m spirit.
I am spirit (or god, or the all, or nature – we all language it differently).
My purpose in life is to return home to spirit; to be at one again.
This belief gives my life meaning; meaning informs what I value guides my goals; my goals determine my actions.
I am …… very happy.
ps I am also 61 and have been nutting away at this, life’s funniest challenge, since the awesome 60′s. And girls, I have one word for you: PLEASURE.
Restated,
Being at one with spirit is my purpose; my purpose gives my life meaning; meaning informs my values; my values guide my goals; my goals determine my actions; my actions nourish my spirit. Simply – yet complex. Yes, that feels right for me.
Beautiful post Craig. This is a keeper! A lot to think about and work on in a simple life’s example. It is a real pleasure when amidst all the superficial trash that passes for insight today a piece like this shines through.
Count me as a fan!
Hi. I just wanted to send hugs to Tina – bless, hon. As for who I am, I suppose a lifelong learner – it’s the first thing I see when I switch my mobile on every day, just to remind myself! Lol!
It’s reminded me though, when my Mum was still here, of buying her something for mothers day. I bought her a piece of jewellery, some perfume, and was looking for just other silly wee bits and pieces to get her. I found these little paper scrolls in a card and gift shop. Just little cheap scrolls with poems on them. I was about to get the one titled “Mother”, then saw the one titled “Woman”. So I decided to get her that one, to kind of let her know I saw her as the person she was, not just my Mum!
I wasn’t ready for how touched she was. I told her why I’d gotten that one instead of the Mother one, but she’d already got the message anyway. That cheap little scroll is still hanging up in my parents sitting room, my Dad won’t take it down.
Makes me think though; if we can see and describe and appreciate others for what they are, why is it so difficult to see ourselves???
Lol! I’m working on it!
Lou x
Thank you Lou, and thanks Craig too.
xxxx
It seems as though most people have not discovered ‘who they are.’
My book will be published soon with the answer to ‘who are you.’
Kind regards, Bruce