What Do You Think I Should Think?
Someone asked me yesterday if I thought a particular course of action was right for them. They were essentially looking for my approval to take a certain path. And I’m talking about a potentially life-changing issue here. I was amazed that they would value my opinion – about what is right for their life – above their own. Flattering (for me) but irresponsible and disempowering (for them). “You need to figure out what’s right for you and then I’ll help you achieve it, but the only person who can decide what’s right or wrong for your life is… you. For the most part, there is no universal right or wrong, only right or wrong for you. Whether something is right or wrong for you will be determined by things like your values, beliefs, goals, needs and current situation” was my advice.
The Advisor, not the Decider
Of course, part of my work is to provide people with advice, direction, feedback and education, but it’s not my job to make their decisions for them. Or to choose the direction their life should take. Or to define right and wrong – for them. I have had people ask me to make (life-changing) decisions for them. I refuse. Of course. Handing over our decisions to someone else is simply handing over our power and that’s dangerous, destructive and a recipe for disaster.
Right and wrong is always an interesting and provocative topic to explore; especially when it comes to individual issues. You know: the personal stuff. It’s the basis for almost every argument. And of course, the other person (group, organisation) is always wrong. 
We talk about the concept of certain things being right or wrong a lot in our world and, of course, many of us have very strong feelings about such matters. Feelings which often produce regrettable choices and behaviours.
Naturally, we will refer to the judgment of others from time to time… “Sally, do you think this is right for me?” Like Sally will know what’s right for me, more than I would. Of course she would; she has that special ‘right and wrong’ book. She can just look it up. “Er, let’s see Craig… page 74, 75, 76, 77… er, here it is… yep, apparently that’s exactly what you should do.”
“Okay Sal, thank goodness for your special book, I’d hate to have to figure it out for myself.”
Hmm, maybe I’m seeking Sally’s approval?
There’s another post right there.
Can My Right Be Your Wrong?
The notion of right and wrong seems so… er.. absolute doesn’t it? Maybe there are very few (universal) absolutes? Maybe none? Is it possible that my right could be your wrong? That my right job could be totally wrong for you? That your right decision could be my worst nightmare? Is it possible that your absolutely-positively-right in 1995 could be your total-catastrophe in 2010? (think relationships, fashion, Billy Ray Cyrus!). Maybe right and wrong changes over time? Or in certain situations? Maybe the right approach (forthright, assertive, bossy) in one situation, would be the worst approach in another. Maybe your right calorie intake today, will be completely wrong tomorrow? Maybe your best training (exercise) program in 1995 would be inappropriate today – maybe because you’re older – or maybe because you’ve changed your goals.
People regularly ask me if I think they’re doing the right thing in a particular situation. If they’re on the right path. Or maybe if they’re in the right job. The right relationship. The right university course. And with great insight, wisdom and confidence, I often say something profound like…. “er, dunno what do you think?”.
And that (my friends) is why I get the big bucks. 
Girls might ask each other if a particular hair-style is right for them. Blokes might agonise for months over finding the right car. Couples will do the same looking for the right house. In the right suburb. With the right school for their kids. And then they will hope they get the right teacher for their gifted child – of course she is. Sporting teams will spend millions to get the right coach. And then sack him in two years because he’s not the right coach. Maybe right and wrong is dynamic. Transitional. Temporary. Maybe it’s a myth.
Maybe it’s all about personal interpretation.
Over the years it’s been my observation that there are very few universally accepted rights and wrongs. Excluding the obvious stuff that the majority of us seem to agree on (not hurting others etc.), there seem to be very few absolutes. But then again… even with the hurting others thing, there are exceptions. The ever-present reality of war tells us that, in some instances, not only is it okay to hurt others (or worse), it’s necessary (according to some). And I suppose if someone’s trying to physically hurt my mum or my kid, I’ll probably be compelled to hurt them. That’s okay, right?
See… it’s pretty blurry isn’t it?
We have the different rights and wrongs within religion. Of course. And not only from one religion to the next, but even within the same group. And what about diets? And training (workout) philosophies? And saving the planet? World peace? The list is endless and so are the perspectives, belief systems, attitudes and individual, self-created realities. I’m starting to think that the traditional notion of right and wrong is something of a myth… or at the very least, a misunderstood and misinterpreted concept.
I think most of us agree that we all have an inner intelligence. Of sorts. We may not listen to it, but we have it. It goes by various names, depending on who you’re chatting with – intuition, the Holy Spirit, sixth sense, consciousness – to name a few. It is my belief that the primary role of our inner intelligence is to determine what is right and wrong… for us as individuals. My journey has taught me that in most of the situations I find myself in, right or wrong is a me thing, not a universal thing.
But then again I could be totally wrong.
What do you think?
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Yep, a ‘me’ thing for sure!
Bloody hell: – I keep trying to decide what is ‘right’ or ‘best’ for myself to get me closest to where I ultimately wanna go.
I can’t have it ‘all’ at the moment ,some things I have to prioritise and other things I need to ‘put a lid on’ or take focus away from.
One of my big questions in which I’ve had many different responses to is when I ask ‘what do you think I should do/is the best path’? – in regard to career and money.
I do want more money for heaps of reasons, doing a job or managing a business I’m passionate about could be fun too. I would feel I accomplished something big. I have looked into dietary degree studies, becoming a trainer, sports nutritionist, also at becoming a naturpath or involved in the beauty/spa industry. However there is the cost, I can’t get study allowance or a loan as I’m not a citizen, I’m not the quickest at picking new things up, I want money and to save money in the next few years, I want holidays next year, and each year after and would feel overloaded trying to work, study and keep fit.
I enjoy hospitality, prob not passionate about most jobs but have decided not at this stage to branch into further extensive study but I review that at the end of every year. No right or wrong, no perfection but what we consider the best for us outta a set of options
All
Well this reminded me of Abbott and Costello (comedians not politicians) Who’s on first, whatever throws to second, and whats on third………….Maybe you’re right, maybe you’re not, just hope you’re not wrong!!!!!
You tell them Craig! Asking someone else what is right for you is soooo disempowering. Someone else can help you see thing you have a blind spot to, can help you understand yourself better, can gine you tools and principles to use in decision making, but he cannot make the right decision for you.
Cheers,
Eduard
Hey Guys. I’m off to run an all-day workshop but keep those comments coming and enjoy your Friday.
Have a great weekend too…
xx
I don’t agree that it is disempowering, though when asking anyone if something is right or wrong it needs to be taken as advice, not as absolute.
However, we get the opposite a lot of time, being told what to do, think and feel, and you can often get this feeling that something is not right for you.
Example, and this references back to CJ’s post, I was thinking that quite a few people are not right for me. That does not mean they are terrible people, but I’m at a stage of change and they want to carry on with drama. I don’t feel it is ‘right’ for me to dump all, but it is not wrong to distance myself.
I think going to others for affirmation but not to make the decisions for us is not a bad thing at all. I’m sure we have all been faced with a particular decision and not known where to go, so what’s wrong with getting advice and listening to others’ stories about what decision they made?
It’s also about choice – Would you choose vanilla or chocolate? Well I’m a fan of vanilla not to say chocolate might be my choice on another day! People like to know that what they decide is approved by others. Say in a whole room of people and you pose the same question some people will change their mind because they see that chocolate is more popular then their first choice.. When does it really matter at all – trust in that your decsion is right for you at that time and if you change it that’s ok too.!!
Hmmmm, this has reminded me of something I was pondering some time ago, a time when I was generally more philosophical and less reactive than I am at the moment, I think I should head back there…lol
I did fine arts for a little while and I’m an artist at heart and one of the biggest concepts (arguments) you can get into in the world of art is the idea of perfect or perfection. Basically any kind of artistry that is put out for the people to see/hear/taste etc will have a critic in some form, and i don’t mean negative necessarily but in some way being an appraisor, we all do it at some point, the music we like or don’t, the places we choose to eat etc etc… The point is, every time we are appraising something we are doing so based on our idea of perfection.
In really listening in converstaion with my husband I realised that to him there is no such thing as perfect, there is ALWAYS something about anything that brings it just short of perfect….. most astounding to me was our daughter, a very young baby at the time she was already not perfect for the future times when she inevitably would be naughty… lol Makes him sound heartless and pessimistic when I put it like that but he isn’t, he the most caring, loving and amazing person I’ve ever known, it’s just simply how he views the world, he doesn’t want perfection because to him it doesn’t exist and he’s very happy with what he has.
My heart has always said to me that everything is perfect just the way it is because it IS. The good the bad and the ugly, it’s all perfect the way it is because that’s the way it is. Hmmm… Okay as an example, I’m totally against war, I don’t think it gets anyone anywhere, but war is the perfection of what it is, it can’t be anymore or less than what it is at any given point in time so that’s it’s perfection. Goes for people, nature, a piece of rubbish on the street, wherever, whatever it is, even with change perfection is all it can be like it or not. Well that’s how I see it anyway…. it’s amazing how differently people can feel on this topic and I find mostly it’s so deeply ingrained that they’ve never stopped to think about it, anymore than most people stop to think about what their right and wrong is.
Thanks for reminding me of that Craig,
Celia
Er….Dunno, what do you think?
A simple yet interesting / complex concept you raise Craig.
From a very young age our parents unintentionally “brain wash” the rights & wrongs into our tiny growing brains, which inadvertently breeds the need for approval from an elder or respected peson. This is probably one of the reasons we all ask someone else their approval whether this is right or wrong. I find that I will ask the question but may not necessarily act on their advice. I will take it all in and make my own assessment. I believe this is healthy, but to live by the right & wrong determined by others shows a weakness that may come from a deeper place for those individuals that need the approval of others.
For example, I recently got a tattoo of my daughters name on my wrist. For me this was a right decision and I stick by it. My sister in law (who tends to follow in my trends) asked me if she should get one. I just told her that that is a decision for her not me, but she couldn’t get it and thought I didn’t want her to get one for envious reaons. So I just said “whatever”….now this is a decision for life and only she can make that call, yeah. But to her she can’t see this, she needed my approval before deciding.
So there is my contribution for the day, Mr Harper.
PS: You’re still my favourite mentor EVER! Do you think it would be RIGHT or WRONG for me to get MR H, tattoed on the other wrist…haha.Oh stop it.
Thought provoking topic, Craig. I used to be a high school careers advisor. I saw my job as providing students with all the sources of information they needed, opening them up to ideas they might not have thought of, giving them the opportunity to try out different workplaces.
The two words which scared me most from parents and other teachers were ‘You should …’ Says who? Why? Who among us could possibly know what’s best? It’s up to the individual, and if they change their mind later on, well that’s fine. People change, hopefully they mature.
And to Pip – all the best with the decisions you’re making at the moment. By the way, the careers computer program I used to use came up with the following choice for those wanting good pay with fewest qualifications:
shearer and …
member of parliament.
Hey Craig !! I think you’re absolutely right…. but then again…. I could be wrong………….
{{HUG}} Tina
Most of the time, ‘big’ choosing is about growth or maybe not *smile*. I see what you mean… my Mom and friends, always have ‘input’, whether is want or not… gotta love the well meaning. I am about to launch my new publication business. For sure, I have done the ‘is this right… or maybe wrong’… hummmmm, what to do? So this post is incredibly insightful for me.
Here’s my take on it…. One of the best parts of life is having ‘options’.
Thanks Craig… have a great workshop… I love workshops more than shopping!!!
Victoria