Hmm, where to start with this topic…
Well, I guess this chat might not technically fall into the personal development category. It definitely wouldn’t come under the health/fitness banner. And it’s not really a motivational piece either. Although it might motivate some to change a thing or two in their world. Could be seen as a social commentary piece. Or perhaps an exploration into relationships and communication. Or maybe a mindless rant from a single bloke with way too many issues, who’s trying to rationalise his bachelor existence. You decide.yway (said in the voice of Ross from Friends)….
One of the many interesting things about being a life-long, single male in his early forties is people’s reactions to that single-ness (yep, a word). Everyone has an opinion on it. Depending on the person’s thinking, it can place me anywhere on the scale from ‘complete social outcast’, to ‘coolest bloke on earth’ and ‘luckiest man alive’. And elicit responses ranging from pity and ridicule, to envy and admiration. Or in the case of my mother, complete devastation. My darling mum (mom) sees me essentially as a means to a grandchild and to be honest, I have been a bitter disappointment. Sure, she wants me happily married, but what she really wants… is that kid!! And yes, she lets me know it.
An
I love the mentality that says “single at that age, must be something wrong with him!”
Yep, had plenty of that.
“He’s how old?.. and no woman, must have a lot of issues.”
“Poor thing.”
Interesting psychology that. Yet, very common.
It’s like they have a picture in their mind of me sitting at home every night in my underwear, in a room lit by candles, eating meatloaf flavoured ice-cream from a paper plate, with my pet rat Eugene on my shoulder, my feet in one of those foot spas, a little ‘Enya‘ playing in the background and some strategically placed cushions with images of my ex-girlfriends embroidered on them, lying around the room.
That’s okay right?
If I had said tuna flavoured ice-cream, now that woulda been weird.
Waddya mean the cushion thing is creepy?
Oh well.
We all know that married people have no issues and that if, per chance, they do enter into their matrimonial journey with a few problems, the marriage ceremony will alleviate those instantly and forever. Great how that works isn’t it?
What people think about me being single doesn’t bother me at all, but it does interest me. For some bizarre reason, my single-ness is fascinating to some. I personally don’t think it’s interesting at all, but you would be shocked by the number of people who want to interrogate me regarding my ‘lack of wife’ status, in an attempt to discover what’s wrong with me. “There’s gotta be something, it’s not normal” someone told me not too long ago. I wonder if I wasn’t single, whether people would say “so Craig, why are you married?”
Apparently, as a Personal Development/Motivational speaker and writer I should be married. It’s a rule. People have suggested that my career would benefit from my extrication from the world of single-dom. Doesn’t matter if I’m happily married or not, as long as I’m married.
A woman said to me recently, “I thought someone as evolved as you, would have found your soul-mate long ago.” I actually laughed out loud at her. “Clearly, I have a way to go”, was my response. Her friend (in the same conversation) suggested that I was probably gay but didn’t know it, or want to admit it. “Oh, I’m pretty sure I’m not”, I shared. “You think you’re sure”, she said. “All the pretty girls you meet, and not one wife?” I didn’t realise ‘pretty’ was the determinant for a life partner. Missed that memo. Okay, note to self: if she’s hot, marry her. There’s my big mistake; stupidly, I’ve been looking beyond appearance. Idiot.
Apparently, my single-ness is some kind of indicator of dysfunction. That’s it, I’m gettin‘ married this week. That’ll fix me. Weirdo that I am.
I would never have thought to write an article on this topic, but some people seem to be fascinated by the whole single verses married discussion and in my little world, the conversation seems regularly to be directed back towards me. Of course there is no wrong or right, only opinions, so that’s what I’m sharing. People often want to hear my thoughts on marriage because I’m single. Don’t know why.
“Do you have marriage issues”, I got asked last week. No, I love the idea of marriage and maybe I will be happily married one day, but if I don’t get married, that’s cool too. What I do have a problem with is, marrying someone who I’m not desperately, hopelessly in love with; marriage for the sake of not being single – seen it a million times.
For some people it’s like…
“Yep, he (she) ticks all the right boxes, definitely a candidate. Let’s see, money – check, good family – check, career – check, looks – check… marriage it is”
“Er, yeh but I don’t really love him.”
“Stop being unrealistic, your thirty four, your biological clock is racing, you won’t do any better.”
Over the years I have had many people say to me, “Hmm, you’d be a good catch… you need to meet my sister/daughter/cousin/girlfriend!” And their reason for saying that I’m a ‘catch’ is not because of my values, personality, integrity or all-round good-bloke-ness (a word), it’s because they see me as being moderately successful and financially secure. A safe bet.
I find that sad.
“Yes, he ticks enough boxes, put him on the list Sally.”
To me, some people seem to be more in love with the ‘idea’ of marriage than the actual person they’re marrying or are married to. I see this as a catastrophe in waiting. It’s also apparent that some people are so petrified of being single, that finding their ‘soul mate’ gets compromised down to “is he or she breathing? Wouldn’t have been my first (or tenth) choice but hey, I have limited options, so giddyup cowboy(girl), get me that ring.”
I have had literally thousands of conversations over the last three hundred years (you know I’m immortal right?) with people who are miserable in their marriage, yet amazingly, do nothing to fix it, or change the situation. For many people, marriage is something to be endured, tolerated even and of course for others, it’s the best thing that will ever happen to them.
Okay, here are some random thoughts on the matter. Feel free to correct me or teach me a lesson – I am just a single bloke…
1. I am not against marriage in any way. Most of my friends are married and I know it can be an incredible part of the human experience. Given the opportunity with the right person, I would love to share my life with someone but, I’d rather be single forever, than married for the sake of it. And yep, I’ve been close a few times.
2. I don’t believe that people need to be married to be fulfilled, functional, balanced or happy; those things are not dependant on marital status. You don’t need to be a researcher to discover that marriage doesn’t (automatically) equal happiness, just open your eyes. People seem to struggle with the thought of me being single and happy. They think I’m lying. It bothers them.
“You’re not really happy, you only think you are… you’re just trying to convince yourself.”
“Er, okay. I didn‘t realise how miserable I am – thanks”.
3. Some people are so terrified of being alone that they will compromise themselves to the point of actually losing their identity. “I’ll be whatever you want me to be..” You’ve seen it. Maybe you’ve been it. Misery and frustration is always the result. It’s important (for many reasons) that we learn to be comfortable and secure on our own before we launch into a life partnership.
4. A person who really gets to know themself and is truly comfortable with their own company, will be more attractive to a potential partner.
5. Too many people enter into marriage wearing those rose coloured glasses, only to have them ripped off by about day three. They spend a year planning how to have a great wedding and zero time planning how to have a great marriage.
6. People who have that sense of urgency to get married are less likely to find marital bliss and less likely to appeal to a potential partner. Note to all wanna-be brides and grooms: Desperation – not attractive.
7. While I’m open to the idea of marriage, and I would love a little Craig or Craigette one day, I love my life right now and I gotta say, singledom… not as horrible as some would have you believe!!!
Okay, now that I’ve opened that can of worms, I’ll let you play with them.
I’m off to finish my meatloaf ice-cream and revel in my dysfunction.
Hey, where’s Eugene gone?
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I completely agree with your comments on marriage and have my own addition. I don’t think you should marry just anyone, but you also have to make sure you don’t miss the right one and sometimes it is worth taking the chance, because the commitment can enhance a great relationship. I’m lucky that I am married, so don’t have the questions of why aren’t you married and have kids, so don’t have the other sort of questions, and my marriage is so important to me that I work to make it a success (though sometimes I fail). However, when I do find myself going down a certain path, I try to haul myself in and ask myself if whatever issue is so important, that I really need to continue. Sometimes it is and sometimes it isn’t.
Continue enjoying your life, which you so obviously do, and maybe one day an extra dimension will come into your life.
Craig
It’s not that you haven’t found the right partner yet, it’s just that maybe you haven’t found the right ‘sexual partner’ cause really that’s what it all comes down to right? So what is it? You like to wear high heels every now and then? Go on you can tell me and the other thousand bloggers. Maybe u should start using this as an excuse whenever people bug you about why your not married “I can’t make a woman stay, when i ask them if i can try on her garter belt they bolt”. I bet people will leave you alone after that cause really, noone likes to hear about other peoples sicko fetishes.
This marriage thing is worse for a woman not only cause of that whole biology thing but people assume your an old hag if your not married by 35. In some ways i’m fortunate cause i’m fat and ugly, what i normally get is ‘don’t worry about it marriage isn’t for everybody’. Another words ‘it’s only for the pretty”. I’m glad too, when i look around how couples treat one another i’m not interested. The only time they bother treating one another nice is on valentine’s day and the next day they back to normal. Why can’t it be valentine’s day everyday? I’m not talking about gifts and chocolates here either.
This is gonna sound crazy but when i think of marriage i get this image in my head of me standing over a dragon i just killed, holding a sword in my hand. That’s the kind of marriage i would want, i want a man i am willing to slay dragons for. I love the idea of taking a risk or doing something so great for someone. Risking ‘everything’ is scary but at the same time i think it might make me stronger somehow. See told you, crazy. This is all i would want in a relationshiop but i’m told i have high expectations and am asking for too much from someone cause people just aren’t like this. Yet i’m not the one with the the 200 items checklist.
Not that you need my advice but your better off single and if you ever get married you should marry someone as rich or richer than you cause no matter if a woman says ‘but i don’t care about your stuff, i care about you’, she’s bullshitting. She’ll tell you that and then she’ll register at David Jones for the wedding gifts cause she really really wants that $800 crystal fruit bowl which will fit in nicely with that new beach house you are going to give in and buy 3months into the marriage just to stop her damn nagging. But make sure you buy some ear plugs when you go to sleep. Its the only thing that will shut up ‘the voice’ cause the woman will never be able to stop talking even when you sleep.
Ange-sydney
Hi Craig. I love this post. Althought I am truly happily married, people thought I was weird as my husband and I were dating for 10 years before we married… marriage did not change our love at all, and getting married doesn’t automatically mean happiness. But I know many people who are only 33 and not married yet and panicking that time is ticking, but worse still… they are becoming so much fussier… ie, guy must have reached the first million by now….blah blah blah… Unfortunately society is getting more shallow by the day…
I say… i believe that you are happy… good luck finding your smart, challenging and beautiful woman and it will be cool to see litte Craigettes on the site some day.
Just a small thing — spelling mistake in the following sentence ….. a “d” is missing from the word “and”…..
“We all know that married people have no issues an that if, “
You left out the bit about us humans (animals) are not naturally monogamous (yes I had to look up how to spell it!). Marriage (like lots of other things) really does go against our natural urges. Not that I am advocating ‘free love’, but it is something to think about. I didn’t get married until I was thirty (that is officially ancient in Tasmania as I am sure everyone appreciates). I remember my mum introducing my three (married) sisters and myself to a friend one day with an introduction that included their name, marital status, children and job. She got to me and said this is Michelle, she is 29, not married, no kids and working. The sighs of pity were audible. I shrunk from 165cm to 10 and I have never forgotten it! On the way home I said how would she have liked it if I had introduced her and said she hadn’t had sex in seventeen years! She didn’t see my point. Interesting is right. Fascinating in fact.
Hi Craig
You are absolutely right! Being married because it is better than being single, or staying unhappily married for the children/finances/pets/inertia etc. is ridiculous! Being married because you are madly in love/loving with someone who rocks your socks, floats your boat and blows your hair back is cool! I am lucky enough to be in the latter situation…..we are 2 happy independents and a crazy happy couple (married for 15 years!) but I would opt for being a happy independent single if my married choice was anything less than what it is!
You are SOOOO not weird!
Cheers, Tania (little old Adelaide!)
Hey Craigo,
This blog is quite topical for me at this point in time!
I am ‘drowning’ in my single-dom according to some of my friends. But now reading your blog, I reckon I am experience a different aspect of my life and I am comfortable with that!
When the time is right things may change (or not!) and there is no need to force the matter right now!
I quite enjoy going on dates and soaking up the experience, but as you have said Craig, there’s gotta be that spark for both parties, and if there ain’t…. there ain’t!! End of story! You can always remain good friends (if you can cope with this concept!)
I couldn’t give a damn if she has this or that, as is not about material possessions. There has to be that spark, that passion, that intangible element that binds a man and a woman, for without these qualities IMHO, the partnership/marriage is doomed!
Great stuff man!
Cheers….SkaterBoy
PS: Nope…. I am not gay either!
Hi Anon.
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Cheers.
Hi Craig!
I don’t think I am truly qualified to remark on marriage or singularity…
Both yards have areas of green grass and their share of sink holes.
Unfortunately (or fortunately,) I have seen too many fairy tales…
and still believe if you find the right person
i.e. the shoe fits…
your hair is long enough to climb…
or apples make you sleepy in the forest.
anything is possible!
After all, life is what you make it…
I don’t think its healthy to choose a path between single and married…
choose happiness,
choose openness to the all oportunities…
every thing in life cannot be planned or mapped out in a 5 year plan.
somethings are meant to be mysterious and spontaneous…
some of the best things in life are happened upon…
I don’t think you’re weird Craig, just relaxed.
Perspective post!
()
Tami
Ange,
you are the only person in my life that consistently makes me laugh out loud. You are one funny chick – thought about doing stand-up?
Thanks for sharing your crazy-ass thoughts, yet again.
Here’s another hug that you don’t want ( )
Hi Asma.
Yeh, I reckon I would be a cool dad. Thanks for the spell-checking.
Cheers. ( )
Hi Tania.
I’m a little weird!
Peace
( )
“This is Michelle, she is 29, not married, no kids and working.”
Yep, that’s gotta suck alright Michelle..
Too funny.
( )
Hey Skater.
There’s gotta be that X factor Craigo… otherwise, no cigar.
Revel in your single-dom my friend. And when you meet Mrs Skater, I’ll MC the big day!!
Peace
Hi Tam.
Nice thoughts.
I’m guessin’ nobody’s gonna climb my hair though!!
( )
Craig:
I’m right there with you – I’m 38 and single. I’d prefer to be madly in love, but haven’t met anyone I’ve been in love with. I see a lot of my married friends – and their not all that happy. Sure many are, but I’m not getting married just to get married. I’m not settling.
Tim in Chicago
Hey Tim.
Let’s start a club Man… The ‘Tim and Craig No Compromise Club.’
LOL.
May have to work on the name!
Enjoy your day.
Ange- I only have to read 3 lines of you response and I know that its you writing it.
You are cynical- but i love it , because its so true.
Personally i think the whole $ 500000 white wedding thing and the registry and the buying gifts for people that have already been living together is a total WANK! ( can i say that? ) Im soooooooooo bloody sick of paying out for the “barry crocker coffee making alarm clock”, for people who just want the wedding day and then bitch and moan about their partners for however long it is for them to finally separate and get divorced.
Having a white wedding and spending shit loads is going to make you soooooooo happy. And because you are a traditionalist, you gotta wear white, but hang on, you have shagged anything with a pulse for the last 15 years, so maybe you should wear cream. Get out your madonna tapes and listen to “like a virgin” that will fix it all!! But hey, sponge off your parents (who are in their retirement) at the age of 35 when both of you are working full time and have been living together for the last 5 years. Take out a loan. Oh, and dont forget the expensive holiday. And dont forget to say in a whingy whiney voice ” but Im getting married, I deseeeeeeeerve this.!” Have hysterics because your flowers are not the perfect shade of “puce” All excellent ideas.
I would rather be single than subscribe to any of this BS. Keep it real! I really like the guy I married and didnt do any of the above ( yes, i know im perfect) and we still really like each other after 18 years..what the??
sometimes i just want to slap the members of “my sex”- because i think we are the force driving this dumb “better-to- be- married- and -miserable,- but -at -least -you- get- to- be- princess- for- a -day” mentaility
Whoopsie- maybe I wont put my name to this one craig. …oh ok, its elroy. For the first time , i dont give a shit what poeple think of my opinions on this one
Science will tell you no such thing as love, its all in the biochemical neuro-circuitry which can change daily. Thats why people can fall “in love’ or ‘out of love”. I am biochemically attracted to you for now; might be a better way to put it.
also most inital attractions are based on lust as it takes time to know someone and whether or not one ‘loves’ them, which comes down to being agreeable to having them around almost permanently.
Maybe singles have a biochemical glitch and are hooked on lust?
so I am part of the biochemically challenged who has a damn fine time being lustful.[single and happy] Just havent found a person who matches my dysfunction hahaha
You’re on big fella!!
Whenever I’m asked what my martial status is, my response is “Single and proud!”
I’m the envy of all my friends who are under the thumb of a partner.
Like you, Craig, I’m very happy with my life right now. I still have things I want to do with my life, such as travel. And frankly, my business is still too important to me to be able to have a partner. It just wouldn’t be fair on my partner when all my free time is spent on my business.
One day I’ll settle down, I’m sure. But not until I’ve done the travelling I want to do, and I’m in a stable situation with my businesses. Until then, I’ll party like it’s 1964, I’ll go to the gym when I want, I’ll shoot some pool when I want, I’ll shop for as long as I want (or not long, as the case is) and yes, I’ll rip it out of my mates when they moan about how they feel trapped, bored and have no money.
Hey Elroy – you go girl woopwoopwoop!
I agree with you on the whole ‘princess for a day’ bullshit. When you think about it that’s just dumb. Why settle for being a princess for a day when if you treat your marriage right your man will treat you like a princess for the next 20, 30yrs (or until divorce and saggy boobs). Yeah i know, a bit sappy. I have my moments.
ange
Go Elroy!!
About time you cut loose!
Hi Bel.
I love it when you get that sciencey (a word) talk happening.
Cheers.
Hi Jamie.
Good for you young man!
Cheers.
Hey Craig,
Must say I completely agree with you! Good on you!
Take this: – not even talking marriage but I’m 27 and have never ever been in what I’d call even a short relationship with anyone, yes, have never had a boyfriend, (just lots of mates) – am a very independent person.
So single life and adventure is all I know, (I enjoy it greatly!). I keep wacky hours, don’t need to seek approval from anyone and have no-one getting jealous at me if I go and randomly join a conversation with another group of people or catch up for a talk with a male mate. I can travel when I want, do what I want, – it’s wicked!
I sometimes am curious of what a relationship is like, am open to it – but I know I don’t want to get involved unless I’m racing hot for the guy! (And he needs to be that way for me too!) No exact ‘criteria’ he’d have to meet but there would need to be spark!, – I’m fussy! Single life is great, – so he would need to be something extra awesome for me to consider ditching it!
Guys who seem to claim they are hot for me, – I’m just not into. Sometimes if they are keen and I kind of like them in a mates way I’d go out with them a couple of times to see if I was getting more attracted to them, always a neat time none the less. If not so , – after 2 or 3 times I’d be cool and discourage them. Guys are all different too of course, – some very awkward and shy and others way cocky! It’s funny!
Guys I like are either partnered up, or just not crazy hot for me! All cool, – less hassle!
In addition to drugs, slurry eyes, dazed being and no ambition I think the BIGGEST turn off is if a guy ‘who found a chick online’ through a dating profile with picture shoots her a message saying ‘hey sexy, I want to tell you something, – I want to say you’re one of the most gorgeous sexy people I’ve ever seen’.
OK, – nice comment I spose but not by someone who’s never seen me in person. Very off putting and TURN OFF in my view!
At risk of sounding weird, – two things I feel a bit hard done by in singledom are massages and the occasional hug, – giving and receiving. Everything else I can find through my own power, family and mates.
Pip
Thanks for this post Craig. I have actually tried on for size many of the dysfunctional forms of relationship you have mocked and if you have any doubts I can assure you, you are right.
And still very amusing.
Ok…. time for my two cents worth….
Been married…. Got married young cos I “didn’t want to be alone!!!!” (oh dear!!!!)… Married a guy who ‘would do!!!’ (dear me again!!!!) cos I didn’t have enough confidence in myself to think anyone else would ask me!!!!…. (at least I have pretty kids)… and as it turns out…. he was an asshole just waiting for some dumb ass naive blonde bimbo (ok so I’m a red head!!! whatever!!!) that could be manipulated and pushed around!!!
Several years later (9) I finally grew some brains…. and summoned the balls to get rid of him, (and found another candidate within a month!!! )(Dear dear dear!!!!) This one lasted 3 1/2 years, but allowed me the space to grow as a person (I had LOADS of space) until I got rid of him too cos the light bulb finally went off and I realised working on me was WAAAYYYY more important than working on something that was never gonna be…. (and the realisation that if I thought I could change anyone but me that I was insane!!!!!)
3 years of singledom and I think I can say I’ve finally scratched the surface of who I really am and what I want out of my life!!! I think it’s sad that once people get married they think, well… that’s it… I don’t have to try any more…. Honeymoon is over… Why shouldn’t the Honeymoon period last a life time???? Why do people stop trying??? Marriages can fail because there isn’t enough thought (and action) put into the relationship before and after the wedding day… People become complacent and just go on existing… This doesn’t just work for marriage, but for all things in life…. You get on the rollercoaster, and forget that YOU HAVE THE CHOICE to get off again!!!!
Marriage can be….Two people who are totally individual, yet travelling a similar path, with similar ideals, and totally head over heels, dragon slayingly in love with each other….
partnership….!!!!
A wise man once said to me…. ‘Getting a girl is easy… Getting THE girl is the hard part!!!!
Thanks for the thoughts CH… I am totally with you on the ‘single is way better than being unhappily married…’ Didn’t think I would ever say that??!!!!!! You’re ace… Still waiting on dinner though!!! heheheheheheahhahahahah
KK
XXXXXXXXX
No point in settling for anyone just so that you can have someone!!
Amanda B
You’re welcome Joh.
Cheers.
Hi Pip.
Wow, never had a boyfriend?
That’s kinda unique.
Good for you – enjoy your single-dom.. ‘Mr Pip’ could be around the corner.
Here’s a not-very-satisfying cyberhug for you ( ) – best I can do from here!
Hi KK.
Wow! That’s quite the journey.
A new bloke within one month!!
Good grief.
Cheers.
Hi Amanda B.
Yeppity, yep.
Peace
I’ve been married 29years, forgotten what it’s like to be single.
Here’s some questions I just don’t get and especially don’t make.
When are you getting married?
When are you going to have a baby?
When are you going back to work (the baby is now 2 weeks old).
Answer: NONE OF YOUR BUSINESS!
29 years!
Well done Deb.
And Mr. Deb.
( )
I read through all the comments and can only go “wow” what a mouth full, I guess by the end of the day you can only do what works best for you at this moment.
Cheers Craig! Cyber hugs are cool!
Oh thank GOD!! My best friend Cheree and I were thinking that we were abnormal, but we are reassured that we’ve found another one… you!! We get accused of being in a secret gay relationship all the time and we always say “Why would we hide it if we were gay???”
I am 38 and single. People have called me “picky” and “choosy”, but I will not be in a relationship with someone just for the sake of being part of a “couple”. And don’t get me started on how many people try to set me up… I find it very uncomfortable when they do that. I am quite capable of finding a partner if I am so inclined!! thank you very much.
I lead a very full and blessed life and although I am not opposed to starting a relationship I am quite happy with the way things already are. If it happens it will be the icing on the cake (or should I say the avocado topping the salad… LOL!!).
I loved this post and I am totally in agreement with you. I will have get Cheree to read it… LOL!!
Rae
)
Craig,
Don’t do it!!! Don’t give in to those who tell you the grass is greener on the other side! I’ve been married, and now divorced over 16 years. I get the same treatment from coworkers, well meaning friends, and enemies. “What’s WRONG with you” seems to be the undercurrent of the query, “Why aren’t you married”?
Well. Why am I not remarried?
For exactly the reasons you stated in your article. I am not adverse to it, but I want to have someone with the same vision and view, who I can’t wait to see, love to talk to, joke with, curl up with and just can’t stop thinking about.
Hold out. Too many people snarl at one another in their marriages, and put up such fronts, while cheating with coworkers or the cable man. I do see rare pictures of loving companionship, and I know that is what it really is about. IT exists. But it takes maturity and wisdom, synchronicity and letting go of the ego. Stay single til your
“I do” really, really, really counts.
I’m in my 40s and single but no one ever comments – now I’m thinking OMG, do people think I’m not marriagable!
I’m not seeing your site at No1 Craiog on Google.com, I’m seeing you at No.2, only NO.2 on google.com.au
So while the media is running rampant, gaping over celebrity couples who choose not get married, and then transfer that image on us everyday people, there really is a reason. Marriage is an institution; it doesn’t define who we are or our partners. Of course legally, it’s great, but otherwise, how does it matter? Love is love, and for those who are lucky to live just for love, “marriage” is just another step into the drudgery of socialized behavior. Three cheers for singleness and/or unmarried people, and maybe the celebs are onto something for once…just barely of course.
An interesting one craig…
this whole marriage thing been there done that… single is good…a different atitude, stop waiting just and do things you what to do.
In some ways it like having a partner and no kids, you get some strange things of people….
And also about beening single, you just take people from what they are, and you are just yourself…
Then one day when you least expect it, you start talking to somebody, and after months go be, you go on a fun run together. bingo 11 years later, we are now soul mates, but no marriage, no kids, and just enjoy each other.
What you say relates to probably a lot of the 20something British asian population
There’s a culture of arranged marriage for the previous generation which is pretty much entirely based on reputation and earning potential
A bloke can go from being completely ignored by the opposite sex to having marriage proposals coming from every aunt and uncle once he ticks the right boxes (well paid job, own place, career aspirations, etc.)
Which sounds like such a wonderfully mediocre life of going along with the crowd (which is what most of us do)
Well craig i have done number 3 and number 5 and since I have been separated less than 12 months i can’t count on my fingers the number of times I have been asked if there is a new man in my life? What??? Bugger that! let me find me first, the me that got lost somewhere when she said ‘yes’ with considerably anxiety about what would happen if I actually said no! I am going to share this wit people who are worrying about being single – good messages here for them!
Lmao – Great work & so true!
Craig:
You are hilarious and, I believe, pretty darn smart. I have just come to these same conclusions myself, only I chose to learn the hard way. If you keep running up against people who think it’s strange that you haven’t married, maybe you need to talk to someone who has married poorly and or repeatedly. I am certain they would tell you there is not a darn thing wrong with you!
Thanks, also, for sharing your ideas without any defensiveness at all.
Anyway, since I have long believed that no one is responsible for my happiness but myself…I have finally conluded that:
it’s a pretty bad idea to marry someone who believes you are the be all and end all of their life.
More learning….
Mary
Hi Craig,
Thanks for your insightfulness. Lately I keep getting told that I should be putting more effort into finding a partner. Apparently I am supposed to find the man of my dreams on a adating web site. Apparently if I don’t put myself out there how will he find me. (Perhaps I should stand in the Myer windows with a sign on me – free to a good home)
I love my single life, in the last 3.5 years I have done more than I did in the 14 years I was married. Marriage seems so restricting with so many rules (including my ‘marriage’ rules that I tried to enforce – lesson learnt).
I was starting to believe people that maybe I should be trying to find a partner but it just seems so wrong to hunt a man down. I am happier than ever and learning more than ever and the only way I would enter a relationship is if I could keep doing that. Thanks for reminding me to be me and that being in a relationship is not the ‘be all’ and ‘end all’ to a happy life.
Jules
Hey Bud,
It’s been a while since I have posted…..bit slack of me I guess!?!?!
I haven’t read all the posts however I am happy to report I have found my soulmate….nope I lie….my soulmate found me and I am so very happy.
We met online and initally communicated via online messages, then via emails and progressed to phone calls.
When we met there was a real spark and connection that made us both ‘tingle’. There and then we realised we are meant for each other!!!
I didn’t realise how empty my life was at times until my sweet heart came along. Although my love is far far away we are together in so many ways and now my life feels more complete. Can’t wait to be with her forever!!
There is nothing wrong with being single of course, however I feel being in a loving relationship adds a whole new dimension to life!! I love it!!
Catchulater…. Skaterboy
What you’ve said is 100% true.If someone of your age is not married, almost everyone start thinking, “There has to be something wrong with him!” And they’re also SYMPATHETIC!
The sympathy thing is just disgusting!
Awesome article Craig. I heard you on Light FM telling Jane about your “committment issues”. Talk about laugh. I’m 42 myself. I thought my last (5 years ago) r/ship was going to be “IT” until, in a moment of frustration, she told me, “I’m 33 and I want to have children!”
Oh, great. So you don’t particularly want me, you want a donor! Like, “All your bits work, you’ll do.”
Well, I dropped that in a hurry and I’ve been happily unattached since. Years ago a mate told me a female friend of his suggested (in front of their group) thatI was gay, or at least struggling with it because I wasn’t married/dating. Looking back at that comment some months ago, she is now onto husband number 4…
So many of my own married mates seem to have had the life go right out of them too.
I look at you and you’re not exactly suffering from social atrophy or unfulfillment issues (… are you?)
Well, right now I’m very portable, cashed up and love doing humanitarian work while holidaying in politically unstable countries (well some people base-jump. It’s the edge on it I guess).
It took real nads to put yourself out there in an article like that mate. You’re a good man. This blog would have helped so many like myself.
Cheers,
Dale.
I am 39, single and now feel that I am ready to settle down and marry.
My problem is that I have lots and lots of baggage. I have four children and the father of three of them has lived in my house for the past 10 years, since I was a young girl.
So I have a different perspective. Noone ever asks me when I am going to get married. Noone ever offers to set me up on a date. Men don’t look at me – I guess I don’t exude that come hither aura. I think it would be fun to have people be concerned about my single state. However, people appear to think I have more than enough excitement in my life, and they’d be right.
But Craig’s comments about finding the right person struck a cord. One day.
My advice to the young is to stay strong and hold out for Mr or Miss Right. You are better on your own than with the wrong person. And being with the wrong person prevents you from finding the right person.
But if all the questions about when your are getting married get too much – get yourself a substitute – a person who lives in your house and masquarades as your partner. I actually don’t recommend it, but then I think being asked when I’m getting married would be fun. I’d say – find me someone to marry and I’ll get right onto it.
I loved this post. I’m divorced, 43 with two kids and have been single for over 7 years. Did give the dating thing a go for a while but as soon as I went back to uni (Exercise and Sport Science degree) I lost all interest in dating. I’ve not lost interest in men mind you (LOVE them)…just don’t feel the need to date right now. I’m happy and busy. Some of my married friends actually feel sorry for me and can’t understand how I can cope without a partner, and others are envious that I have the freedom to do what I want and not have to seek permission from someone else to make life decisions. My kids factor in, but that’s it. I would like to meet someone of course, but I’m just going to let it happen when it happens.
Thanks again for the article.
Frankie
Its great that there are lots of people who are out there single and happy, but its frankly overrated!! There is only so much freedom one can take, id rather have the bondage of marriage!! But most guys my age need that freedom and singleness. So i have to wait for them.
Its great that there are lots of people who are out there single and happy, but its frankly overrated!! There is only so much freedom one can take, id rather have the bondage of marriage!! But most guys my age need that freedom and singleness. So i have to wait for them.
So refreshing to hear things from a guy’s point of view. You couldn’t have written about this topic better! I have to keep reminding myself that there is nothing wrong with me just because I am in my early 40′s and not married. Life is too short to sit around and wait for the knight in shining armour – if he makes it, wonderful, but if he doesn’t, then so be it. Thanks so much for being honest enough to speak about this! Blessings.
you go faster solo!
I’m in my 30s now and most of my friends are in relationships. They’ve mostly stopped trying to set me up now at least! When I was younger I had the need to be with someone, I ended up in some relationships I shouldn’t have because of it, luckily never tied the knot (closest I came ended when she cheated).
I went through a stage where literally every person I knew in a relationship was unhappy. All the problems they had, I had none of, I realised things were going pretty well for me. I decided that I need to be happy with myself, otherwise girlfriends won’t be. I’ve possibly become fussier with women, but not in a tick the boxes kind of way. What I want is not really definable, more something I’ll feel.
A mate of mine has been jumping from relationship to relationship and I realise he’s doing exactly what you said. Hell, talking to him and his new girl they even described it, they said they’re not getting any younger… Not much I can say, maybe they really are desperately in love and not just desperate. I can only be supportive and then be supportive again if it falls apart.
Of course now that I’m perfectly happy on my own someone has come along who’s sparked my interest. Whether anything will come of it only time will tell. I think I’d possibly be a little relieved if it doesn’t, I’m quite comfortable now!
It’s great that there’s lots of people out there who are single and happy. One of them is me! The whole idea of marriage is sooooo unappealing to me.
Deb
Ahhh, its always nice to get another bit of reassurance that there is nothing wrong with being single! As much as I’m comfortable with it, people and their comments, eg – don’t worry, we’ll find you someone, wow – over 30 and still single?, don’t you get lonely?, etc, etc, can get a bit much sometimes. If I’m happy, isn’t that the most important thing?? I have a friend who invites me to things when I’m dating someone but as soon as I’m single again, its only one-on-one catchups allowed. Why? Not sure, maybe they think I might feel left out or uncomfortable, although I’ve told them that’s definitely not an issue. Or do I make them and their cosy-couple friends feel uncomfortable by being the odd one out? Oh well, makes me laugh a bit as I know I’m no different if I’m with someone or without. Its just some others that seem to have the problem!
Yeah, we are all sooooooo happy being single. That’s why we looked at the site that talks about “what’s wrong with me”. We are so confident with ourselves. HA.
A lot of the stuff you said is familiar and nice to know others deal with the same crap. Good luck.
i’ve just read this today, i laughed out loud every couple of sentences. very true, very real, VERY GOOD!
Thank you for expressing your ideas on this. I ,too, get asked that constantly- why I am not married.
I get comments like,” I am so surprised no one has scooped you up yet!” and ,” A beautiful woman like you should not be single.” and
of course, the comments – no body to my face has asked,” What is wrong with me, but I sense it. One guy I turned down because I just did not like him gave me a ” Lord, Heal my Hurts ” book.
Like he was certain it was me, not him. I gave it away to someone who needed it more than I did.
I was married , and it was awful. I learned a lot about myself, and what I did not want.. I did make many mistakes that God has helped me correct- Like not valuing myself. Like settling. Like not understanding myself and what I needed in a mate. Like placing my whole value and worth on what I could offer in terms of looks and sex acts, not character and self- respect. Like not looking for traits in a man that would make for a happy and secure life. The lessons, though hard, have been worth it- God allowed me to find the me I was meant to be.
Although I would like a compatible mate, that I am passionately in love with, I , too am happier single, than in a relationship where I am always trying to please someone. . God has shown me so many things about true joy that I might have missed fixated on a husband.
I dedicated myself to my personal growth, and am still growing. I have learned ways to deal with loneliness, and developed my personal relationship with God that enriches my life.
I am done allowing other people to define me, and am finally now completely satisfied just being me.
Whether or not I find a soul- mate, or not, I am determined to get the most out of life.
I would much rather be a little lonely and single, then unhappily married and stuck. I believe in life time commitment now, and would not make a commitment for life unless I was sure.
Thanks for speaking out about this issue.
Marriage is only wonderful if it is done right. It can either be Heaven on earth, or the other place. I have been there, and believe me , single is much better compared to that.
God Bless you in your work and life.
Trish
Well Craig, if you even read these comments, I agree that singledom definitely has a lot more pros than marriage, although being married twice, once for 3 and a half years, and the second lasted 6 months…. there was plenty of love… i’m just not the need a needy guy type… i like my freedom, i believe in trust, and two people in a committed relationship, should have a wonderful space they share together, but love allows that wonderful space of exploring my hopes, goals, aspirations, and allowing and supporting my partner to explore his… and the only thing that single-dom, leaves me wanting, is someone to share my stuff with at the end of a day, or week… most days it’s amazing, profound, and almost borderline sacred, so only my closest most intimate friend, lover, partner, gets to hear it. Of course now and then i need to feel sorry for myself, but never give myself more than 24 hrs for that. I think we should meet. You know what I just started saying, mostly because it seemed true, then it was literally true. You’ll always find Joy in Jody… just remove the D…haha
God Bless you all for this fantastic topic and these beautiful, sweet, amazing comments. A real boost – now I can at least try to put a smile on my face!
Thanks again.
That was beautifully written and TOTALLY true. I am single and 30 and I have to say I like the thought of being married. I would someday love to be married. I too though am one of those people who think why get married just to be married.
The type of people who do that are the type of people who become doctors and lawyers and preachers because there parents wanted them to. I love my life. I can move when I want to. Eat when I want to eat what I want to. It is 5 am and I am sitting in my pajamas commenting on a post and no one is telling me to turn off the lights and go to bed cause they have to work in the morning.
I am learning to cook because I want to. Paying off debt because I want to. With each improvement I am more of a prize and honestly I kinda wanna keep the prize. If a man comes along who has worked on his life and has his act together and we can live side by side. That is great.
As far as grandchildren my brothers and sisters can take care of that. I get to be cool aunt Sarah who takes them on trips and lets them dye their hair. I love my life and each day I see more and more how I think that single rocks.
I think that most people think that there is a line that the “I now pronounce you” makes you a better, more fulfilled, kinder, cooler person. Here is the thing. If the person that you are with doesn’t inspire you to be all those things BEFORE then you won’t feel inspired AFTER. I think you have to inspire yourself to be all of those things. Then if something happens to the other person. You still have your inspiration. I am my inspiration. I am the wing beneath my wings. I make me so very happy! (I just gave me a hug) lol
And Sarah… here’s a hug (for you) from me ( )
Oh my goodness! I just read the date on this, 2007!!!! So three years later… are you still single??
live alone die alone less complex ed that way
Hi,
Just wanted to say thanks for this article because it’s helped reinforce in me the notion that being single is perfectly OK. I am a 19 year old dude and am currently single through choice. ***ALREADY*** people react to me like there’s something “wrong” with me because I haven’t got a girl and I’m frigging’ 19 years old! Talk about social bloody conditioning….
What’s wrong with wanting to figure out what I really want to do with my life and then going ahead and doing it rather than getting a 9 to 5, marrying the next person that comes along and having 2.5 kids just because it’s socially acceptable?
I think it’s a possibility that people generally are afraid to be single because they haven’t learnt to enjoy their own company/they are scared that they will find undesirable aspects to themselves.
boy did i need to read this today.. loved it! Ive been a single mum now for 12 years – people ask me all the time why…. im successful, very outgoing, and thoroughly enjoy my own company and that can be a hard concept for many to understand. I would enjoy to meet mr. right eventually but the men who have crossed my path to date have definitey taught me lessons about romance. I always look forward to meeting the next man who enters my life if only for a moment and learning the next lesson… which to date is.. thank god im still single
conclusion: being single is more about me than about the man……..