It seems to me that many of us don’t really know who we are.
We have our very own personal identity crisis.
We spend our very busy lives doing stuff, achieving stuff…. but still not really knowing who we are.
What’s you’re identity?
Who are you really?
If we take away all your stuff… then… who are you?
Yeh, we know what you do for a job, we know what you look like, we know what you drive, where you live and what you’ve done… but who are you beyond all that?
Are you the sum of your achievements and possessions… or are you something much greater?
What are you known for?
What will you be remembered for?
Have you thought about it?
Do you care?
How do others see you?
When people (who perhaps don’t know you intimately) refer to you, what’s your label?
“Oh, you know Todd; he’s the surfie guy with the Brad Pitt body and the killer blue eyes.”
“Sure you know Sarah; fifty-ish, heaps of money, owns that kid’s clothing label, drives a Porsche…. blonde hair”
“Simon?… oh yeh, he’s that arrogant, how-good-am-I bodybuilder with the gigantic arms, tiny head, bad skin, horrible breath and no self-esteem.”
And waddabout your family and friends; what kind of identity do you have with them?
“Yeh, dad’s kinda… well.. I guess he does love us….I think… he’s pretty moody though… but it’s probably because he’s tired, being the workaholic that he is… and anyway… as he always says; he’s doing it all for us kids….. funny, doesn’t feel like it sometimes”
For some people, their identity is their body (a body builder maybe, a model perhaps), or part thereof (the flat-chested girl who ‘buys’ herself some gigantic breasts).
I see this (my-body-is-who-I-am syndrome) a lot in my work, and as ironic as it may seem, I actually spend most of my time helping people develop anything but their body.
When our total identity (who we are) is something external (to our mind, our spirit, our nature – the essence of who we really are), then we set ourselves up for pain, disappointment and anxiety.
As long as our identity is rooted in something which can be taken from us (looks, jobs, money, toys), we’ll always be insecure.
For some people their identity is their career… “did I mention that I’m a CEO now?”
Their car… “wanna go for a spin in my….?”
Their house….”yeh, I probably don’t need the thirteen bedrooms but…”
Their money… “got most of my money tied up in property, shares and a few others strategic investments…”
Their academic achievements… “yeh, just finished my Phd“.. (great achievement but it’s not who you are… it’s a thing you did!).
Their fearsome reputation… “I’ve got seventeen black belts, I bench press a thousand pounds and I eat live chickens for breakfast”(and I’m an insecure idiot who desperately needs your approval).
Whatever their identity is….it’s the thing which gives them (a level of) confidence and self esteem (in front of others anyway)… makes them feel more secure, safer, happier, better about themselves (for a while).
Earlier this week I went to a funeral to celebrate the life of an amazing woman.
And while she had done much in her life (practical stuff, career stuff, sporting stuff), her children (all seven of them) got up and spoke about who their mother really was.
Her identity.
And this wasn’t just some feel-good, emotional fluff… no, they painted an accurate picture of who this woman was.
She wasn’t a job, or a possession, or a body, or an achievement… although she had achieved much.
No, she was a selfless, loving, caring, generous, passionate, strong individual who influenced and affected many… and left the world (or her part of it) a better place.
As I sat in that service with tears rolling down my cheeks (there goes my wanna-be-alpha-male identity), I thought to myself… I hope there are a few people present saying similar things when I’m done down here on the big blue ball.
It’s great that we set goals and it’s great to strive to be a high achiever (I do).
And there’s also absolutely nothing wrong with being wealthy, having a great body, an incredible career, a great home, practical goals (financial, physical, competitive, career) and even a few toys…
… as long as what we do, what we own… or what we look like… hasn’t become who we are.
And as long as we are not the sum of our achievements and possessions but in fact, something much greater.
Who are you?
Tell us your thoughts on identity (and where you’re from).
{ 32 comments… read them below or add one }
This is one of the most thought provoking articles I have ever read. This particularly got me thinking. “I hope there are a few people present saying similar things when I’m done down here on the big blue ball”. What will people say at my funeral.
Kelly
Arkansas
For me, and many others (if I do so dare as to speak for many others), I think identity issues are a struggle if you have made some serious life-altering mistakes in your life. Your mistakes and regrets can define you if you let them.
For me, I married the wrong person, wrong person by a mile, and have paid dearly for that, as have many people that I care about. It’s been a huge struggle to work on a positive identity and self-image without constantly feeling such shame and regret for that decision.
After some time has gone by and much needed therapy sessions, I have come to understand that regardless of the magnitude of your mistake, what matters is if you can be great in spite of your mistakes. Although sometimes I would have rather not experienced any of what I have, I know already that it has made me ten times the person I was before this experience. And for that, it’s worth it. Embrace your mistakes – and for god sakes, don’t make the same one twice!!
Hey Kelly, and what did you decide… who are you?
Glad you enjoyed the article.
Cheers.
Craig,
This post is a freakin revelation.
I love the way you think and communicate.
Nobody writes like you.
Don’t stop.
Kelly. R.
Hi Kelly R,
(must be Kelly night).
I’d like to stop… but the bald man would hurt me.
Cheers.
Hi Anonymous,
thanks for sharing.
Take care.
This is not a joke, my name is Kelly too. Kelly from C.A. I have to say I love the cartoons! Do you do the cartoons yourself?
Kelly C.A
Hey Craig
Another thought-provoking article.Thank you.
I ask people what they would like think is being said about them when they are not around.(..just because here in Scotland we are not great about saying “nice things” it to our faces) If they find that hard I ask them to do the flip side -to describe someone they admire in great detail and they will see that it is not about what that person does – it is about who they are. This can get some really interesting responses and insights.!
How often do you meet someone and when you ask them to tell you something about themselves they tell you about all the stuff you mention at the start? I asked a good business friend I had not seen for a while what she was up to and she said that she was continuing to be the best Mum possible to her kids and enjoying every minute of it!That really made me smile.
Hi Craig,
I’ve been reading your blog for some time now, and though I’ve enjoyed all of your posts, this one really stands out. Not too long ago, you posted that someone asked you to write something that would truly inspire him. If this one doesn’t, then there’s something seriously wrong with him.
I’m not quite sure who I am yet, but with each passing day I’m clearer about who I’m not.
Grace – San Francisco, California
Hi Californian Kelly(Kelly no.3),
Too funny.
Glad you like the cartoons.
I like using them because I can get a subtle message across using a fun, feel-good medium, which most of us connect with (we’re still all seven years-old on some level… but then, maybe that’s just me!)
Yes, I write the dialogue for the cartoons myself.
Keep visiting, enjoy your day (night).
Hi Jackie,
yep, you get it.
You may have to spread the message in Scotland though!
Cheers.
Hi Grace,
figuring out who you’re NOT is an important part of the figuring out who you ARE process…
( ) a hug for you.
Hi Craig,
I’m not quite Kelly, you wil have to replace the l’s with R’s!
This one really made me think about who I am.
I have often told people that I don’t know what I want to be when I grow up (I turned 49 last week) and now I think I have got that wrong. It isn’t what I want to be it’s who I want to be and I think I am there already.
I am a good mum
I am a good wife
I am a good daughter
I am a good friend
I am a good community worker
I am good at lots of other things.
Thanks.
P.s Sue Heintze put me on to fattitude and I just loved it.
Kerry
Hi Kerry (with r’s not l’s),
(1) You DO know who you are.. good for you.
(2) Glad you liked the book; it has it’s own cult following.
(3) You’re right; it’s not about what we are (big, small, lawyer, athlete, rich, poor).
(4) Sometimes we need to acknowledge and enjoy who we are.. and be quietly proud of…. us!
Well done.
Take care.
“Who are you?”….well that is the million dollar question!! (and a great name for a song!!)
For me, well I am still finding out, but I sure know who I don’t want to be!!
I reckon it would be a curious thing to hear what others say about you once you fall off the perch!
Still, if you are happy with your journey through life then that is all that should matter!!
Another pearler of a blog Mr Harper!!!
Cheers….
Skater Boy
Hey Craig,
Another gem , which made me stop and think….always a good thing.
Whilst I am here , just wanted to let you know I am still only counting 4 video blogs ….hope you are working on that with Johnnie (he is such a helpful soul)!!!
Cheers.
Janine
Hi Craig,
Sorry “keepsmiling” is a bit late!
At the risk of sounding repetitious l’ve got to tell you…you’ve created some magic again!
Harper-illiant writing!
In a world (sadly) of excessive materialism and superficiality this post is beautifully refreshing and true.
Thank you
Keepsmiling
( )
Hey Skater,
thanks big man.
Cheers…
ps. How’s your blog going?
Hi Janine,
(1) Thanks for the kind words.
(2) Video posts? – It’s Johnnie’s fault (couldn’t be me).
( )
Hey Craig,
My blog died when I changed hosting plans! And I have been a bit slack in getting is going again.
I may have talk to the Baldman to glean some ideas!
SB
G’day Craig, 57-yr old –chronologically,anyway — Christine here from Canada
Real men not only eat quiche; they also cry, OK, maybe not cry, but shed tears
This got me thinking, I ought to work on writing my own epitaph, maybe then I’ll nail down who I really am if you’ll pardon the pun — ouch, or at least what I’d like to be re-membered for.
Craig, me again, if you will allow me a P.S.:
As a thirty-something, I re-member doing the bar-scene as a single and that I so hated the proverbial question: “What do you DO?” I already knew then that “do-ing” was not “be-ing” and the question frustrated the daylights out of me, almost as much as that other question: “What’s your sign?”, although I reacted to the latter far more positively. Having said my peace I shall now go back to trying to link up to you on the radio b/c it is 1:51 pm Friday, May 25th here in Montreal and I think you are on the air, although math was never my strong suit
Hey Skater,
the death of a blog.
Sad.
Breath life into that bad boy!
Hi Christine from Canada,
why and how do you know so much Australian… stuff?
Glad to hear about the tears; I feel slightly more masculine.
The epitaph thing: maybe we should start with the end in mind… and work back from there?
Interesting concept.
Cheers.
Hi Craig,
All I ever wanted when I was little was to get married, have kids and be a good wife and mother. When that happened (we have been married now for 19 years and have four wonderful children) I started asking myself ‘what now?’ It wasn’t until I started reading your site that I began to realise that this is it! This is who I am and this is still what I want, to love and be loved. To learn and to teach, to encourage and to challenge, to help my children grow into community minded, responsible adults and to be there for them when they crash along the way. Thanks again, Wendy.
Yesss, Craig, let’s make that last breath our first and go on from there.
To answer your question, at this moment in time, I have a vested interest in your country because as I mentioned to you before, the health and wellness Company with which I am an Independent Consultant, Arbonne International (member of the Direct Selling Association and featured in June’s “Success from Home” issue) is expanding to your expansive country of Australia in July. I would be so happy if you and/or your readership — our micro-community on this “blue ball called earth” — would be the first to discover this chance at a dramatically enhanced lifestyle. We could chat further through Skype or G-mail if that works.
Hi Wendy,
I think we call that a REVELATION!
Enjoy and appreciate what you have, where you are.. and you’ll be ahead of most.
Cheers.
hey nice, article. My opinion on what you’ve discussed is, people believe that their spirit is their soul, whereas maybe your soul is yoru bodies “energy” and your spirit is what lives on from you in the memories of others.
Hey Christine,
email me and we’ll chat.
Cheers.
Hey Remo,
thanks for sharing your thoughts.
Are you right?
I dunno!
Cheers.
CanadianChristine here:
Thank you, Craig; sounds like a plan.
At what e-mail can we chat?
Or do you have a Google e-mail address through which we could Coogle Talk?
Hi Christine.
You can email me through the site amd I’ll get it…
cheers.