Have you ever thought about your funeral? I have. Mine that is, not yours. Sometimes I wonder what it will be like. Who will be there, what they will say. Good stuff or bad? Will it be a sad or happy occasion? Will there be three people or three thousand? Or fifty perhaps? It’s certainly not something that I dwell on (that would be creepy), but from time to time (usually when I’m at a funeral myself) I let my mind wander and consider what that day might be like. I hope by the time it rolls around I’ve done some good and made a difference. And I really hope there’s a reason for my friends and family to be proud of who I was, and what I did in my lifetime. I hope they don’t struggle to find something nice to say! That would suck.
“Aah, well… Craig was, he was…er, kinda.. chunky… yeah.. and he was good at.. bench pressing.”
I’ve been to a few funerals where people seemed to struggle to find nice things to say about the person who has died. That’s kind of sad don’t you think? They seem to clutch at straws and rationalise, explain and justify his or her behaviour / existence. Imagine dying knowing that you won’t really be missed. That’s really gotta suck. Or perhaps knowing that, on some level, you wasted your talent, your time, your relationships, your opportunities, your life. Imagine dying with your music still in you.
Here for just a moment.
In the context of ‘time’ we’re only on this planet for a moment, and in the overall scheme of things we are but tiny little specks on the face of humanity. In a way we’re insignificant, but at the same time we’re giants, if we choose to be. Of course I’m not talking about our physical size, but rather the size of the contribution we make to others; our brothers and sisters here on the big blue ball. The legacy we leave behind. That contribution might be on a ‘family and friends’ level, a community level, a national level or it might be something we do, which in some way has global implications. If we operate from the premise that life is ultimately about what we can give, (as opposed what we can get – the opposite of what ‘modern culture’ teaches), then we begin to move from selfishness to significance. And in focusing on the giving we become far richer (on every level) than we ever would have by focusing on the getting. Clever that. Selfish people rarely become rich. Generous people – often. And don’t assume that people with loads of money are necessarily rich. Many of them are paupers; spiritually, emotionally and mentally bankrupt. Not all of course, but some.
Giants.
Some of the most seemingly insignificant people have become giants of humanity, not because of some pre-determined cosmic mandate, but because they did amazing things in their lifetime. They used what they had while others squandered and wasted their talent and opportunities. They swam against the tide. They thought, chose and acted differently to the majority. They found the lesson not the problem. They asked the right questions. They looked for meaning not approval, for constructive feedback not a cheer squad. While others were whining, they were winning. They were human and fearful like you and me, but they were brave in the face of adversity. Regularly. While others procrastinated, they did. While others talked about it, they made it happen. They weren’t any more talented than you or I, but they grabbed life by the throat and shook the crap out of it.
Show up, suit up, shove off.
I don’t know about you, but I don’t want “just another life.” I don’t want to be number 8,371,140,562 on the list of people to have walked the earth. Get born, go to school, get married, have my 2.3 kids, get fat, work for fifty years, almost pay off a house, have a holiday every third year and then die. I want more than an existence. I want significance.
An amazing life by design.
I want an amazing, rewarding, spectacular, fulfilling, challenging, exciting life. Not because I deserve it, but because I will earn it. Because I will work for it. Because I will create it. I deserve nothing and I will earn everything. I may not be an exceptional person (in terms of gifts and talent) but I can become exceptional by what I do with my life and by how I use what I’ve been given. Exceptional means doing what the majority won’t; the exception to the rule. I can choose to have an exceptional attitude, do exceptional things, create and live up to exceptional standards and produce exceptional results; an amazing life by design. And in doing so the ‘average’ person (all of us) becomes exceptional because he/she does what most won’t. As I’ve shared many times, living our own amazing life is not about luck, fate, chance, destiny or opportunities, it’s about choices and attitude. We build it. And if we don’t take control of our life, it will take control of us.
No regrets.
Lately I’ve met and spoken with so many people who regret so many things. I don’t want to live or die with regrets. I don’t want to be the person who was always at the threshold of something great; the person who nearly did so many things. I don’t want to be the perpetual victim, the procrastinator, the time waster or the big talker. I want to be the person who uses what he has, who gets the most out of himself, who grabs life by the throat and shakes the crap out of it. I might not win a Nobel peace prize, resolve world hunger or have any kind of global impact, but I will absolutely do the best I can with what I’ve been given. I will not die wondering, I will not waste my talent, I will not wait for the right time and will not live “just another life.”
You?
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{ 35 comments… read them below or add one }
Hi there
have had no computer for last month and have missed alot of your articles- but i will catch up.
This ones a bit scarey and confronting for me, as we are moving OS in 2009 and I am scared shitless. Scared to do it – and terrified to not do it and let something terrific slip through our fingers.
I think about the funeral thing too sometimes. Especially what soppy gut wrenching music I can have played. I will litterally rise up out of the casket if they play ” you life me up”. I do know that when I am dead, that ill have an open casket with me wearing a monty python t-shirt saying ” im not dead yet”. Thats one way to have the last say- huh?
Bet you wish my computer was still broken dontcha?
btw- im gonna do “run for the kids-14km” Now that is scarey.
love elroy
Interesting timing Craig
Just saw ‘The Bucket List’ – could have been a great movie but wasn’t. However, it raised the same issues you do, with our mate Jack Nicholson being accused of being more shallow than some baths Morgan Freeman had taken. At one point there was a discussion about 2 questions being asked of us on our death. Question 1: ‘Did you know joy in your life?” and Question 2: “Did you bring joy to others?’ or words to that effect. At this point most of the audiience goes into self pity mode realising that the answer to both questions is a deafening ‘NO’. I believe that the only reason we are here is to achieve spiritual growth through loving/giving to others. I’m not very good at it (work in progress) but Imagine our Universe if we actually did this. Thankyou, again, for reminding us that its not ‘all about us’ and our time upon this mortal coil should count for something beyond the persuit of self indulgence. Lets all go M.A.D (make a Difference)
Hi Elroy.
Welcome Back. Nice to hear from you.
14km run! That’s ace. Good for you.
( )
Hi slh
Thanks for sharing your thoughts.
M.A.D. … nice.
Cheers.
Hi Craig. Please stop pushing my buttons and making me think so much. You make me squirm. LOL.
Karyn.
I like this post and it inspired me today to stop feeling sorry for myself and the life I’m choosing (have been in a little rut for the past week or so).
Sometimes I get caught up in the boring “shoulds” which is very very ordinary and makes my life very very boring and mundane.
I don’t want my grave stone to read:
“Jojo did all the right things. She got a good job, worked lots of overtime and successfully climbed the corporate ladder”
It does not float my boat at all. Your post today has inspired me to get my paid work done as quickly as possible so I can find some extra time to apply for other jobs so I can get out of here.
Miss Jojo
Craig
As you know i’m filled with regrets but most of my regrets are of how i treated somebody or making the wrong decision in a particular situation not really about all the opportunities i missed. Yeah i know that sounds wrong to say especially for someone who hasn’t even scratched the surface of their potential.I can’t even see the surface.
As for funerals i don’t think about mine as much as i used to cause i’m not the angry teenager anymore, the one that listened to too much of The Cure and once threated to slash her wrists with a butter knife. But i do think about having a burial plot cause you know, land space is running out and pretty soon we all gonna be buried on top of one another. I don’t want to be lumped with an unattractive corpse. I wanna get in early before the spaces are all taken up and each year it seems to get more expensive.
This may sound morbid but my parents bought their plots already, cause they want to make sure that they get a proper burial not a cremation just cause their kids want to be cheap asses. Anyway sometimes when i visit my uncle’s grave, he’s buried next to my parents empty plots, i think “this is were my parents will be eventually”. That’s what i find hard to deal with cause i think the way i sit beside my uncles grave now i will also sit beside my parents one day (unless i go first). I was thinking of buying my own plot actually even if i’m only 35 but maybe it will help get my ass into gear. Whenever i feel like giving up on my goals, get depressed or find myself sitting on the couch with a pack of family size salt & vinegar chips watching a whole season of Alias, i can just go visit my plot and say to myself “see this is were you’ll end up sooner rather than later if u don’t smarten up”. Think it would work? I once read a great story about a martial arts teacher who had a real screwed up student and he made him go into his backyard, dig his own grave and then lie in it. That experience turned the boys life around. Excellent stuff. I think we should all dig our own holes in the backyard and lie in it every now and then just as a reminder to stay awake.
Ange
Squirm away Karyn. ( )
missjojo…. glad to hear it.
( )
Stop making so much sense Ange; you’re scaring me. Interesting thoughts and good advice.
Can you ever see yourself changing your life (body, career, finances, etc.) the way you would like to?
Do you genuinely have the drive to do it?
Just wondering…
Isn’t it interesting that when we add an ‘r’ to your name we get ‘anger’ but when we add an ‘l’ we get ‘angel’. Hmm…. such little changes for such different outcomes.
I know, I know; it’s way too busy in my head. You should walk around with it all day, every day. I wear myself out!
Cheers.
Craig
My parents definately gave me the wrong name. What the hell where they thinking? I killed all the dreams they had of what their little girl should be. Of what a ‘typical’ little girl should be and i’m not one. Many times i have heard the words ‘loony bin’.
Do i have the drive to change? To be honest. No. I guess if i did i wouldn’t constantly fail. I always try and i always fail. But it’s not enough to try. If you’ve never had any kind of success in your life, never achieved anything then you can’t see beyond that cause you don’t know anything else. You can’t even imagine a different life for yourself you can only fantasise about how you would like to have somebody else’s life.
I can’t even see me succeeding by accident.
So that’s it, and now i think i’m gonna go away and cry. Why? Because your questions make me feel like sulking and that makes me not like you very much right now. So i’m gonna go home tonight, cry, think about what a loser i am, get depressed and then tomorrow morning i’m gonna wake up at 4.45am, go to my PT session and try again cause that’s what i do. Even if i have never succeeded in reaching any of my goals, I can’t bring myself to throw my hands up and give up completely. I can’t handle the thought that i’ve giving up forever cause everytime i try i feel hope.If i were to give up trying forever than i wouldn’t even have hope anymore. I don’t know.. i can’t explain it and i’m being too sappy right now so i’m gonna stop.
Ange
Hey Ange
Where there is life there is hope
Hope Floats
Where there is hope there is faith
Where there is faith there is love
and where there is ‘L’ove
Ange is an Angel
Just like Craig said
and we all think your just lovely
and I believe that you can do anything you really want to. Think hard. I bet you have never failed at anything you had to get right. Your just not at that point with your self yet BUT you will be one day you will wake up and it will be THE day for you. Until then we will all support you because we have faith in your hope.
love SLH
Craig
I just realised how embarrassing my last comment is. I’m so embarrassed i can’t stop thinking about it. So just ignore it. I’m being too emotional and overdramatic.I’m just having a ‘scarlett o’Hara moment’ that’s all. I’ll be over it by tomorrow so pay no attention.
And by the way, that whole name analysis thing.. you have too much time on your hands. All that cheesecake you’ve eaten over the last 30yrs has turned your brain to curd. You know i’ve never really understood cheesecake. I prefer those cheap ass sponge cakes you buy in woolworths for $5. the ones with the cream and jam filling and the bad pink icing sprinkled with hundreds and thousands. Yes deep down i am a 4yr old brat.
ange
Hi Ange.
I know you don’t wanna hear it but…. I think you are a very clever, talented and capable woman. Not trying to make you feel good, telling you the truth. I’ve never met you in person but I know you a little, and what I know, I like. And so does everyone else.
You are honest, real, insightful and refreshing to listen to (read). So there! You rock… now you just need to discover that for yourself.
I know you hate my hugs but I’m gonna give you one anyway ( )
Ange,
I dont get on this site HALF as often as i’d like to (yeh i know, Craig!) but I’ve gotta say that there are a couple of names that pop up on the blogs that stick in my memory and yours comes out on top! I have to second what Craig says ‘..honest, real, insightful, refreshing…’ and at times downright hilarious! The fact that you keep on trying and will keep on trying makes you a winner already, you go girl!
A long time ago my dad told me to live each day as it were your last. This philosophy has held me in good stead for the majority of my life. This is a timely reminder.
One of my favourite sayings on the topic of death and making the most of your life. “Death is not the greatest loss in life. The greatest loss is what dies inside us while we live.” ~Norman Cousins
Ms Putty – life coach.
You go yourself girl!!
Thanks for sharing and for dropping by Carmen.
Cheers.
Hi Craig,
Wow!
Exceptionally powerful writing…
Brilliant in fact!
Nobody writes like you do…
and the exciting thing about that is you are getting better and better!
There is only one part l disagree with…
(your words)…but l can become exceptional by what l do with my life and by how l use what l’ve been given…
Correction….YOU ALREADY ARE EXCEPTIONAL AND MAKING A HUGE DIFFERENCE!
Thank you
Mountain Girl ( )
Hi ya Ange….
Glad to see ya!
Missed ya oodles…!
Honey, you are so successful…
Every morning you drag you butt outa bed at 4:45 am…
Know that you have beaten me… every time!
You win, hands down!
Nothing short of a natural disaster or act of terrorism
will ever see me at that hour!
Every time you work toward a goal,
You win…
Losing is when you want something
and do nothing!
Seriously, I am training for a triathlon in June.
Ok, training is kind of stretching the truth…
I SHOULD be training… hard
I am 11 lbs overweight and under tone…
Yeah, I’m working out but I lack focus…
discipline and commitment
(which means I’ll be a nut in April)
A friend invited me to master swim class for triaths,
Sounded good…. 5:30, 2 hour class… done deal!
I’ll be so ready for by June
Then he made a fatal mistake,
he mention it was AM not PM! Wha…?
Cannot see me getting up at 4 (anything) AM and jumping into a pool,
or seeing a PT, or even speaking coherently to anyone!
So stop minimizing your achievements…
I am in AWE of your commitment…
I feel guilty, I am hear admitting how lazy I am,
And someone I am mentoring dropped in my office
(midway through this comment)…
She was so excited she is 7lbs from her 23 lbs goal of weight loss!
Ugh… should I be motivating others when I about died doing 9 miles yesterday???
I bared my soul for you Ange…
Shhhhhh… please don’t tell Craig…
I’ll never hear the end of it!
You know how he is…
()
Tami
A friend keeps telling me to stop trying and do. He says trying gives you an excuse to fail. “Well, I tried my best and it just didn’t work.” If we did our best, instead of just trying, it would work, probably everytime. I have to look at what part of myself doesn’t want to do whatever it is that I am trying. Open rebellion is usually my excuse. I was so over-responsible for so many years that I choose to not be sometimes. I didn’t know that there is a difference between being responsible and being over-responsible or better yet super-responsible. Today I do responsible but not over- or super-.
My dad died alone and at his funeral when I gave everybody an opportunity to share any last thoughts about him, no one said a word. I think that was the saddest day of my life. My dad was an alcoholic and sexual abuser. His funeral was very small. He had one friend that came to the funeral. The rest was his family. My brother came early and left before the actual service itself. My dad’s friend was shocked and criticised the way that I handled the funeral. 5 or 10 years before this, I would not have even come to his funeral, much less paid for it. Neither would my sister. I made my peace with him a year and a half before he died. For that I am thankful. I don’t have any regrets.
I was one of his incest victims when I was a child. Today I am a survivor and much, much more. I can today thank him for that experience. The lessons that I have learned from that have led me on the spiritual journey that I am on today. Without that experience, I would not be who I am today. There are still some days that I feel the pain of that betrayal. For the most part, I can feel blessed by the experience. My dad has been my greatest teacher. Now I can reach out and help others. I learned that my anger was only huting me so I learned to deal with it.
Craig, I love your articles and the comments that get left.
Craig, if I were a friend at your funeral day, I would say, “Craig was this wonderfully funny, very talented man who went out of his way to brighten the world of others. You say, How did he do that? By telling you the truths you might not want to hear. By making you think about what he said. By being a human who was humble enough to let you see his mistakes. By being inspiring enough to show you how he learned from those mistakes. Craig was real.”
Hi Patricia.
You’re definitely speaking at my funeral. Can I book you in?
Thankyou for your amazingly nice words – you almost made me cry but of course us alpha-male warriors don’t cry. Too dysfunctional.
But if I did, I would have.
If you know what I mean.
A hug for you ( )
Hi Mountain Girl.
You almost made me cry as well.
Thankyou so much.
Enjoy your day.
( )
PS. You’re speaking at my funeral as well…. LOL
Just so you know Tam, I didn’t read it.
( )
Hi Reggie,
your dad is a smart guy.
Thanks for dropping by.
( )
Well I am kinda relieved to hear that I’m not the only one to have ever wondered what people might say at my funeral. It does seem like a rather “morbid” thing to think about.
My problem is, I dwell on it too much. Not so much in the “morbid” sense as the “trying to be everything to everyone” sense.
Too much “pretending” thinking that will make people appreciate me more. Too much “giving” thinking that I can somehow “earn” the place of “better person” that I know I’m not.
My biggest problem is finding balance. I never was all that well co-ordinated….
Hi Craig,
I appreciate your site and your constant encouragement to choose an amazing attitude for our lives every single day. I just want to offer a slightly different perspective for consideration…
Every human being has different talents and giftings, ie musical abilities, sporting, creative writing, exceptional people skills etc etc etc… as many unique talents as their are people on the planet. I think the ability to have an amazing attitude is a gift and if you have it you should dearly appreciate it. I know all of us have the ability to learn new skills but it will never come as easily as it does to those for whom it is a gift.
Spare a thought for those of us who have battled all our lives with a genetic and biological predisposition to clinical depression. Even on medication, it is a daily battle to choose a good attitude and to try to think positively about ourselves and to see any potential in ourselves. It never comes easy. There is never a day where we wake up and experience the sheer joy of being alive because mornings are always the worst.
There are moments of joy but they are fleeting and far between. Every day I have to CHOOSE to push through, choose to dismiss negative thoughts and apply the CBT skills I have learned to replace the negative with positive or at the very least rational and logical thoughts. With medication it IS possible, hard but possible. Without medication it is NOT possible at all. I hate it, but this is my life and sometimes I dare to think that it is still a valuable life even if only to let another human being know that someone else identifies with their constant relentless daily struggle.
For those of you for whom a great attitude comes easily I’m happy, delighted even, for you. Appreciate it, enjoy it… but can I encourage you to be sensitive to others like myself. That might involve encouraging a friend to look into getting medical help, or spending just a little extra time listening or noticing us in the crowd, or maybe just a bit of a gentler approach than the regular kick up the butt. Some of us are trying REALLY hard even though it doesn’t look so much like that to you.
I really DO appreciate your website Craig!
Anne
Thanks Craig for not reading it…
wait how did you know not to?
Anne,
Can I say that took amazing courage to write that?!
You are so right in everything you said…
Thank you.
My mom was maniac depressive,
I don’t think she ever understood why she felt like she did ALL the time…
Neither did I, really.
I was always confused why she would drive herself crazy,
I would get calls in the middle of night when she reached her darkest points,
She would apologize profusely for everything that happened to me as a child,
and then hint at suicide.
I couldn’t understand why she couldn’t let things go like I did…
They happened to me not her…
But her mind would not let her, her thoughts drove her insane
She could never see past it, and it drove me nuts!
Your words brought some clarity into her for me,
Thanks again.
She was such a fun, beautiful person, as I am sure you are…
but never found the medication to correct her imbalance.
Instead, she chose alcohol and pain killers,
which only magnified her problems.
I have spent my life afraid of becoming my mom…
But reading your comment gives me hope,
It won’t be the end of the world… either way.
Anne, you are a very strong and thoughtful person,
My best to you always!
()
Tami
Craig, this article and my comment got me to thinking and so I wrote an article of my own linking back to this article on my blog. You will find my article at http://patriciasingleton.blogspot.com/2008/02/how-will-people-remember-you.html . Thanks for making me think.
Patricia, Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA
You’ll get there lightening ( )
Hi Anne.
Thanks for sharing some of your story and your wisdom. I have several friends and clients who battle clinical depression and you are absolutely right – it is naturally easier for some and much more of a battle for others… but even though you have your challenges, you’re still doing the best you can with what you’ve got and you are to be commended for that.
Clinical depression is not really understood by the masses and for some people ‘a better life’ is not simply the result of an attitude adjustment and a few different choices…
Thanks for stopping by and for being so real Anne.
( )
Just guessed Tam. ( )
I’m 29. I’ve never been to a funeral. My Granddad died when I was working with a large retailer. I was doing a retail traineeship (=cheap labour). The day after I found out about the death of my granddad I had to go to ‘school’. Retail school, that is. When asked by a classmate how I was, I broke down in tears and walked out of the room. [My granddad went to the war, and I never communicated with him on a 'normal' level. He was so weird. So, we weren't at all close. But still, he was family. By the way, I didn't go to his funeral. Only Dad went over to NZ for it.]
I used to think about death a lot. It was something I really feared. Not so much my own death and my own funeral, but that of my family. Mum has said to me that, when the time comes that she and Dad leave this planet, she wont be worried about me. She says that I’m a strong person, and will be able to look after myself. She does, however, worry a lot about how my brother will cope without her and Dad. I worry about that too. He’s 31 and still as dependent on my parents as a 12yo boy. Sad. Waste of a life. That’s a long story in itself.
Back to what you were saying though. I recently read ‘Tuesdays with Morrie’ by Mitch Albom (thanks to your great review) and shit, what a wake up call that was. A lot of lessons in that. About living. About dying. Craig, without sounding too morbid, I think we should hold a ‘living funeral’ for you while you are still ‘all there’ mentally and can appreciate what we all say about you. I love that idea. Why wait till someone has died before you get the chance to express deeply how much someone means to you? That’s sad.
Instead of having 48 hours notice to prepare a eulogy, why not write someone a letter now expressing in it what you think of them as a person and reflect on their achievements and what they have contributed to the world (big or small, it doesn’t matter).
If my 21st birthday has any indication of how many will be at my funeral, then it’ll be a very small occasion. I want a (much) bigger 30th though. Do you hire out the Harperdome for such occasions, Craig? Imagine that? A party where my guests have to do some work? Physical work. An hour of 1:1 PT. “You’re invited to Jules’ 30th Birthday Bash… No gifts, thanks. BYO workout gear and be prepared to be challenged, physically and mentally.” Then, after everyone has had their hour of ‘pain’, we all head into the lecture room for a dose of your RYL love. It certainly would be a party with a difference, hey. Zero alcohol. 100% physical and mental focus required. It could be the catalyst for some of my friends and family to creating AMAZING in their own life. That’s priceless. How many trainers do you have again? Make sure they’re ALL avail on Dec 6. It’s a Sunday. Can you open your Harperdome doors for me, for this? My cake could be a baked cheesecake
I kinda hate baked cheesecake though. That can be for your personal consumption. MY cake will either be a normal cheesecake OR an ice cream cake. Mmmmm. There could be a GBM for everyone to either take home or consume immediately, with their initials on it. High protein, organic GBM of course. How do you boost protein content of cheesecake? We’ll organise that too. [My head is rather busy, hey]
Jules ( )
10/2/2009