A few brief stories about beliefs.
*These are not ‘illustrations’; they are true stories.
Story One.
When I was a fat fourteen year-old I believed I could never be an athlete.
I believed nobody would ever want me on their team.
I believed I was a ‘Jumbo’ (because that’s what I was called – even by teachers).
I believed I was an under- achiever.
I believed I was less than average.
I believed all these things because this is what my world had taught me.
I had those beliefs because that’s what my conversations, observations and life-experiences had taught me.
Story Two.
I have a friend who, until recently, had strong opinions about a certain group of people (a religious group). On several occasions I had heard him be openly critical and insulting. Apart from his dislike for these people, he is kind of decent, considerate and fun to be around.
About six months ago I was with him and he launched into one of his insulting monologues.
“Okay, what specifically about their religion, their beliefs, their principles and their culture do you find so repugnant,” I asked.
“Wadd’ya mean?”
“I mean, do you even know what their beliefs are?
Have you ever explored their religion?”
I sat him down and I explained the religion to him and he realised:
1) he was actually ignorant and discriminatory
2) he shared some common beliefs and values with the people he was criticising
3) his beliefs, thoughts and ideas were based on mis-information
Where did those beliefs come from?
His ignorant father.
Who had kindly programmed his kids to be just like him.
A bigot.
Story Three
I have another (life-long) friend.
She is an incredible singer.
Better than most professionals I’ve ever heard.
Really.
She would love to be a professional singer but apparently, she’s no good.
Just ask her.
For her entire life her parents have told her that she’s a deluded dreamer and that she should focus on a sensible career with a large, credible organisation.
Preferably a bank; like dad.
She just turned thirty.
Without any doubt, she has the talent to be a professional musician.
The only problem is she doesn’t believe it.
Her parents have taught her she can’t do it.
She sells insurance.
Story four.
One of my trainers is an elite track and field athlete.
Very Elite.
She is in the top two in Australia for her sport.
She has represented her country at the Commonwealth games and will more than likely be picked in the Olympic team next year.
She is strong, powerful, highly skilled, amazingly athletic and it’s incredible to watch her competing.
She’s a great girl.
No ego.
She thinks she’s crap.
What holds her back is not her ability (which is considerable) but her beliefs about her ability.
She thinks she’s not good enough.
She has amazing talent, a freaky body and no belief in herself.
Sad.
Did you know that much of our ‘learning’ is unconscious and that many of our beliefs limit us rather than empower us?
Most of our learning comes from outside of the classroom….. and often not from good places or experiences.
We have an amazing ability to take on criticism and negativity (emotionally and psychologically)and an even more amazing ability to deflect praise and approval.
“I don’t believe you; you’re just saying that to be nice”
Whether or not we succeed often has little to do with talent, situations, circumstances or opportunities and plenty to do with our beliefs.
Beliefs about what we can or can’t do.
Beliefs about what we do or don’t deserve.
Beliefs about how others see us.
Beliefs about our ability.
Beliefs about relationships.
Beliefs about other people.
We are constantly receiving, processing and interpreting information (without even thinking about it).
From a young age our world is teaching us, about us.
Not pretty enough, smart enough, fast enough, academic enough, cool enough, talented enough…..
If you are totally committed to creating your best life (whatever that is for you) then now might be a great time to question some of those deep, deep, deep down beliefs you’ve been hanging on to for way too long.
Maybe you weren’t even aware… but without knowing it, you have been your biggest obstacle to success.
Find a quiet place and ask yourself a few questions.
1) What do I believe?
2) Why do I believe those things?
3) Where do my beliefs come from?
4) Do my beliefs empower me or handicap me?
And ask those questions in relation to the following:
- Relationships
- Family
- Friends
- Career
- Health
- Your body
- Your future
- Your potential
- Money
- Spiritual beliefs
- Whatever is important to you
We handicap ourselves if we’re not regularly re-assessing all, or some, of our beliefs.
Don’t believe something just because your dad did.
Maybe your dad was wrong!
Too many people struggle through life, crippled by their destructive beliefs.
Self-imposed (totally unnecessary) limitations.
Believe something because you’ve explored it, thought about it, experienced it and know it to be true.
Not because someone told you it was so.
Ask questions.
Seek truth.
Real truth; not their version of the truth.
Listen to lots of people, believe some (you’ll know who).
Discover for yourself what you believe, who you are, what you can do, be.
Don’t let anyone or anything tell you what’s possible for you (or not).
Trust me, they (usually) don’t know.
But don’t believe me, find out for yourself.
What we believe determines who we become.
What do you believe?
And who will you become?
* Let us know where you’re from when you comment
{ 28 comments… read them below or add one }
I think I am becoming addicted to your blog.
I always thought my mum and dad were right. But recently I have started to question their beliefs, particlarly in religion. Thanks.(Vilnius – Lithuania)
Hi Ona,
we don’t question things to be rebellious or difficult or disrespectful to our parents… but we do question things to discover our own truths, beliefs and identity… keep questioning (even your parents).
Were you honestly:
A fat fourteen year-old
Called ‘Jumbo’ (even by teachers)
Thought you were an under-achiever.
Thought you were less than average.
Do you think this is what drives you today?
It is hard to seperate your own thoughts from those of your mother and father as they have such a strong influence ‘over’ you for so many years.
As you say; What if they are wrong! Which they more than likely are. I am starting to think that maybe I should treat my children as your parents did you so that they can become high achievers like you.
Hyrum Smith, CEO of Franklin Covey, talks about the “Franklin Reality Model” in the book “The 10 natural laws of successful time and life management.” Look at your beliefs to determine: 1)are they are based on truth? and 2)do the results of choices based on those beliefs work for you?
Hi Nevena,
I think what drives me is (1) the knowledge that we can all achieve ‘amazing’ and (2) the feeling I get when I’m helping others (that may sound lame and predictable but it’s the truth).
Cheers.
You’re right Rosemary, so many beliefs are not based on truth or reality but people let them destroy (or at least handicap) their lives.
They end up making those beliefs a reality.
Thanks for your thoughts.
Yeah…..for most of us we are the victim of our environment!! Be it the influence of our parents, our peers and our experiences, or whatever! It all shapes us into who we are today.
What a lot of us aren’t aware of is how damaging some of these influences are. I’ve heard it said a lot…he/she is just like his/her father/mother! This is not meant as a compliment and for most of us, we don’t know how to change this. Until of course we read a post like this one!
You have a great knack of simplifying things Craig, that shows us how easy it can be to make these changes.
Braking down the process into simple and logical steps encourages me for one to strive to make changes I have barely thought possible. Family, job, relationships and sport will benefit from the new me!
Furthermore, I will have more fun making changes in my life and with no regrets!
Craig
Sunny Melbourne! (well almost!)
Hey Craig,
Good for you Skater Boy.
Good luck for the weekend.
Cheers.
Very thought provoking read and inspirational. My observation is that most growth happens when we question, challenge, live, rather than succumb. Personally I find myself making a lot of excuses for not doing something and then berating myself for not trying.. My new mantra is try, give it your best shot, then give it a better shot. Its at this phase of my life, that I bumped into your site..
I had a friend at school that was a great athelete and almost represented our national team. On the outside she seemed to be very happy but on the inside she was very sad. Like your trainer I think even though she was talented she did not believe in herself.
Dakar-Senegal
I like the story of Irishman (and soon-to-be Australian citizen) Damien Leith. He was a pharmacist before the last Australian Idol competition. Encouragement of his peers enabled him to develop new confidence in his singing talent. Years ago, he tried a singing career back in Ireland, but that didn’t work out. He moved on with life, soon moved to Australia, met a girl, married and initially settled into life working in a lab. At times, a person needs to distance himself from his origins and family to really hear to his inner voice. We can all benefit from going out on a limb, taking risks and committing to develop the source of our hidden, creative energy. A change of scenery works for me.
Hi Lakshmi,
Good mantra!
Glad you bumped into my site.
Hi Khady,
you’d be amazed how many talented people are crippled by self-doubt.
Cheers.
Hi Liara.
Sometimes distance (physical, emotional, professional, psychological, social) helps.
Sometimes when we step out of our (typical) life situation… we get real perspective.
Cheers.
There I was. Happily travelling along in my ignorant bliss, then you come along!
Now you have got me questioned my opinions on everything, my mum, my dad, my brother, my friends, my teachers at school, my university lecturers, anyone who ever taught me anything! Thanks for the wake up call. Great Blog!!
P.S I am from Alexandria in Egypt.
Thank you for adding Slovenia Time to your sidebar Craig. Just would like to say hello from Slovenia – specialy from our mountains – Julians Alps and Triglav
Craig,
Wow! I’ve seen the video before, but it is always incredibly inspiring.
I was crippled, mentally, by my father as well. He told me on numerous occasions that I would never amount to anything. He put me to work in his retail store everyday after school and on Saturday all day…no pay!, said my living under his roof was pay enough. Without going into a long dissertation about my youth, albeit to say it took way too long to shrug off the shackles he imposed on me. It wasn’t until I was in my 60’s that I finally started doing the things that I loved, singing and acting. Now the only thing I am not so happy about is that I didn’t realize my worth till now, now that it is to late to have a career in singing…my real love. I was so afraid that people would laugh at me when trying to sing that I kept it all in the closet so to speak until lately…1991.
Surprise!, people ask me where they can buy my CD after I perform at at jazz club. I am glad I found your blog. I will be pointing others to it from my blog.
Thanks Craig, and keep up the excellent work here!
Hey Amun… happy to snap you out of your bliss!
Have a great day.
Hi Jana,
you’re very welcome… we get quite as few visitors from Slovenia. I’d love to visit your country one day.. we can do coffee!
Cheers.
Hi Ttmar,
I want to hear you sing!
Good for you….
Thanks for this great article. someone left a comment on my blog about you with a link here because I put up a 60 second audio on how easy it is to negatively program a child. Your site is truly amazing. Thank you for being such a powerful contribution.
Hi Diane,
Thanks for visiting and thanks for your kind words.
I checked out your site … very cool.
Great work.
Stay in touch.
This is what we should be taught in our schools & homes…This thinking is what will prevent the eating disorders, the personality complexes, the miserable feelings we harbour and recreate for ourselves again and again because of this conditioning.
The scariest part is that they’ve probably never questioned themselves yet they’ll pass it on unconsciously (still without thinking) through their actions and words.
Battling self confidence issues sucks and it affects every part of your life…probably not as uncommon as people think. Where do you start? The grass always seems to look greener but I’m sure they’ve probably had fertilizer/ water/ soil issues in the past also (metaphorically).
I reckon this emotional stuff hits home much harder than the physical (when the physical is dependent on the rest). I’m working on it
.
Thanks Craig!
(Aus – Between Melb and Syd but not Canberra…soon to be ‘almost sunny’ Melbourne)
You’re welcome Prankster.
I don’t know that they would teach ‘Craig Harper’ in schools… we might offend a few too many!
Have a great day.
Thought provoking post, Craig
I adore my parents, and still do, but it wasn’t until I was in my early 40’s that I realised just how much their attitude to things like money had influenced me, and that I didn’t necessarily agree with them.
Hi Cab Sav,
at least you had that realisation. many people go through their life being a clone of their parents… and never question anything.
Cheers.
Craig, you’re aware, right, that the entire substance of cognitive-behavioral therapy is the stuff you’re writing about?
You’re fabulous. I can send you my patients (well, at least I can link over to you!).
Hey Doc,
stop it, I’m blushing.
Have a great day.