Your Turn to Teach Thursday; I Give Up (almost)

Hi Anon,

Sweetheart! Worthy of what? Worthy of other people’s time and attention? Worthy of their love and kindness? Worthy of the food you eat and the air you breathe? Worthy of your place in the world? Worthy of what for goodness’ sake?

You are part of this world. We are all connected and intertwined and essential to the whole. No one person is ‘worth’ more than the other. We are all worthy because we are all living and we are all here. We don’t question the ‘worthiness’ of the ocean, the soil, the sea or the trees, do we?

This whole ‘worthiness’ concept is really starting to get up my goat (poor goat). Do you ever question the ‘worthiness’ of your arm to be part of your body? No. Of course not. It doesn’t need to prove its worthiness to be there because it belongs there. Just like you belong in this world. Because you’re here. That makes you worthy.

Perhaps you need to stop feeling guilty about what you are taking from the world, and think about what you can give to it.

Every time you let a little, tiny bit of love out of your heart and into the world, it makes it a better place. It enriches it. Everybody feels it. Every time. Do you have any love left in there? I’m sure you do. Don’t deny the world that love. We have too much hatred and selfishness in the world (have you watched the news lately? Have you seen how cruel some people can be?). We need the love that’s in your heart. It’s precious. We need it. We need you.

Today is Thursday. Today you’re going to let a tiny bit of that love out and make someone else a little happier. Go to a shopping centre or another busy place. When you see a small child (about two or three years old, preferably one that’s not in the throes of a nuclear tantrum), make eye-contact and then smile. You don’t have to say anything to them or risk getting arrested for stalking. Just smile. See what happens. They will probably smile back. If they don’t, it probably means that they are tired, hungry or have just had a little accident in their pants (gross). Keep trying on various children until you get a smile back. There you go. You have just enriched a little person’s life.

Tomorrow is Friday. Do you know that some elderly people can go a whole day and not talk to a single soul? You can almost feel their loneliness. A few years ago, I was in a craft shop and I began a conversation with an old lady. I said something really deep like ‘Isn’t it hot today?’ She looked momentarily taken aback. And then she smiled and started chatting away. She said, ‘Nobody talks to people anymore. You’ve made my day.’ Perhaps tomorrow you could make someone’s day. You could let a little more of that love out of your heart and into the world. It will make a difference. We will all feel it.

Perhaps over the weekend you could think of some other ways that you could let some more love into the world. To make someone else smile or give them a laugh.

Oh, and every time that ‘controlling self-loathing brain’ tries to rain on your parade, say these words: ‘…….. (insert favourite expletive) off. I don’t need you anymore’.

Please let us know how you go.

Lots of hugs for you,

Christina xxx

Reply

Dear Anon,

I’m so sorry you’re hurting, but you’ve got it backwards. You don’t feel worthy first and then start improving your life. You start by acting to improve yourself, your outlook, your life, every day in little ways and not-so-little ways, and from those actions, you begin to develop confidence in yourself. You act your way into greater and greater feelings of self-worth. You act as if you are the person you want to become. It doesn’t have to be any grand gesture. In fact, it’s better to start small. Just start. Act your way to change.

If you’re so far in the hole that you can’t figure out what actions to take, remember this – if you think your life is about you, you’re wrong. No matter how bad your present circumstances, I guarantee you there is someone out there who’s got things worse than you. Find that person and figure out what you can do for them. You have a gift to offer to someone out there in the greater world – offer it up. Serving others gets you out of your own head and ultimately out of your own way.

Reply

Dear Anon,
Reading your comment was tough for me. I could almost have written it myself some years back. I couldn’t wait to see what Craig’s response would be… oh well, here’s mine:

I don’t think you’re a scaredy-cat. You are brave and determined enough to speak out and seek help.
You’ve accomplished a lot because you’ve whittled this emotional challenge down to its core: feeling unworthy.
You mentioned your controlling, self-loathing brain vs. your rational brain. I believe you’ve touched on the answer. For me, the solution was hypnotherapy. In one session, it was like the therapist opened the files in my brain and cleaned out- reorganized and updated them, to serve me better.
Maybe I’m highly suggestible, but I was living in a very chaotic head and then suddenly- I wasn’t!
Intellectually, I understood the material in my many self-help books, as it sounds like you do, but before my hyp, session it was no simple matter for me to break through and accept myself. The anxiety was exhausting, because feelings of unworthiness manifest in a whole lot of worrying, about a whole lot of things.
I also was surrounded by people who never doubted my magnificence:)…didn’t help.
I don’t know if Craig endorses this therapy, but I’d love to get his take on it and wanted to share my experience in the hope that it helps you. My Hypnotherapist said I’d be surprised by how common this issue is, (as Craig pointed out) and how easily fixed. For me, she was right.
I hope for all the best for you and I’m so glad you’ve found the support of Craig and all of his friends. They work wonders.
Don’t know if you’re a girl or a boy but here’s a big platonic hug.

Reply

Hi Craig,

I love your blog…just re-found it after months and months

Let me take a stab at this.

I agree that the first step in really making a change in your life is having the confidence and belief in yourself. You need to love yourself in simple terms.

You said your whole life has been fear based….but why is that? Obviously it’s been because of past experiences but I think you need to really figure out why that has affected you so much.

I was diagnosed as clinically depressed and had a major social anxiety disorder about 6 years ago now (like i would throw up when talking on the phone to someone and I couldn’t eat in public for a while). And they gave me all the pills that I ‘needed’ and tried to help me out mentally but you know what changed everything for me…my attitude.

Boy, did I feel sorry for myself all those months and years leading up to my ‘diagnoses’. I felt sorry for myself and embarrased after getting diagnosed because how could a guy like me have these mental issues. I started drinking and just accepted my fate it seemed.

Then the change happened. I seemed to hit the bottom of the bottom (it sounds like you are there right now). I always thought it’d be hard to fix my problems and it was hard until i sat down and really thought about life and the way I was approaching it.

I simply decided to let go and just live everyday and not worry so much about future successes or past failures. I decided I needed to get off the pills. I didn’t think it would be hard too but in the back of my mind i was afraid that I didn’t want my serotonin levels to go too low so I eased off them. Now I know that it was all mindset…I didn’t have serotonin problems (I could write forever about my thoughts on this ).

Before I go off on a long tangent I’ll just say this. This whole thing wasn’t instant change. I had to hit rock-bottom before i realized that I needed to change my situation. You are going to have up and down days. Like i say to people….if amazing was easy to achieve…then it wouldn’t be amazing.

What makes you feel good? What makes you feel a sense of accomplishment? there’s always something no matter how awful you are feeling about things. Do those things. The more you do them the faster you will feel better about yourself and gain that confidence.

what are you grateful for? If you write a list every night before you go to bed then your mindset will change….trust me. it did for me.

It’s all mindset, we know that. But it’s also all you. You are the person who has to live your life. You are the person that determines how great or how awful your life is. Sure people can constantly tell you that they believe in you…but I think the biggest question from me would be….why are you rejecting it? why has your life been so fear based? That’s when I think some answers will finally start to emerge.

just my thoughts …hope it all made sense

Dan Grant

Reply

Greetings,

Living a fear based life sucks. I know. For a good many reasons it became a major theme in my life and I am going through the same battle myself. In fact all of us who feel we should make a difference in our own lives and that of others are going through the same thing.

I feel I can write a whole series of posts on this topic because of my own journey. Heck, I should create a blog just on this topic! But it is easily distilled into three words from David Schwartz in Magic of Thinking Big: Action Cures Fear. If you can install this belief, it will help you a lot in going forward, no task too large.

Speaking of large tasks, you may feel that the task is overwhelming. That’s OK. Start with a related task that’s challenging, but fits in your comfort level. It’s much like weight training. You may not be able to lift 100 kg on your first attempt, but you know you can lift 30kg. So you try for 40. If that doesn’t work, try 35, or try 32. Something that is challenging but you can do it. What’s your fear? What about meeting people? So instead of asking someone for their phone number or a hug after a conversation, you may have to settle for summoning up the courage to say hi to passersby, or maybe you can challenge your self to just smile at people, or maybe just see if you can maintain eye contact for 3 seconds. Wherever you’re at, it’s OK, Just start with an action and keep the momentum of increasingly challenging yourself.

You could try to ask yourself what is holding you back. Is it fear of rejection? Why? Is it that you are afraid of looking stupid? OK. I see a breakthrough coming on. Action Cures Fear. My personal challenge to you is to go out to a public place i.e. a mall, casino, etc. and just do something really stupid. I asked a cop in Las Vegas if gambling is legal. The look on the poor officer’s face was priceless. He was speechless for a half a minute, just pointing to the slot machines.

I really felt a breakthrough because I had a challenge to do an act of kindness and my fear of rejection was holding me back. After my random act of stupidity was underway, I could not stop my random acts of kindness and you can imagine the world it created for me! No more fear of rejection for me! Will there be rejection? Sure. Do I see it as a rational basis for fear? No. Walk through your fears head on. Identify your fear and confront it.

What about fear of mistakes? It is possible to try to think through the rationalization of your fears, and I was able to do it with this fear and it is gone. The only caution I have is when you try any route where you analyze a fear or a belief, you will be in your head. That is not where you ultimately want to stay because that is where fear resides – in your head. However, I went through a proven process that eliminates this fear here: http://www.recreateyourlife.com (Disclosure: The site will let you do a few processes for free, there are full programs for a fee, and I do NOT get a cut on the fees. The site owner does not even know me. This site came to me highly recommended by a mentor who met the owner personally. )
My takeaway from attacking the fear of failure is that you must walk through your fear head on and take action. Take action. Make your mistakes. When beginning something, you will go through a suck period. When you took your first baby steps, you sucked. But, did your parents give up on you? By the way, I wonder how much someone would be willing to bid on a Picasso painting made while he was in preschool. It couldn’t have been that good!

We’ve covered a lot of ground! Sorry for the long post. I suppose it can be summarized as:
1.) Action Cures Fear
2.) Identify Your Fear
3.) Take Action and Walk Through Your Fear Head On. Without taking action, none of this means anything.
4.) Get Outside of Your Head and – Just Do It.
5.) Embrace the Suckage

I think it was a great idea that Craig extended your topic to all of us. I hope you receive many comments as you are not the only one affected by this scenario. My personal challenge to you this week is to identify your fears and in some small way, attack the fear head on. I would love to hear your story next week of what you did and what the results and impact are!

Reply

Hi (again) Anon,

Sorry. I forgot to say in my earlier comment (it was late, really late):

Go along to the GP and ask for some anti-depressants. It sounds like your body is being a bit slack in the making of the ‘happy hormones’ department. If you’re already taking some, get some stronger ones.

And don’t feel bad about taking them – that you’ve ‘failed’ or anything silly like that.

You know what? My friend’s cat is on anti-depressants (Pussy Prozac?). Seriously. She told me that it’s because he has some ‘over-grooming issues’. I asked her if he was spending too much money at the beauticians. She didn’t think that was funny. Cat people can be so touchy sometimes. A dog person would have laughed.

Christina xxx

Reply

Dear Anon,
So, you call yourself “an enormous scaredy cat” I say bullshit. I’m going to give you some Attaboys (please assume boy is gender neutral in this case!)

#1. You’ve admitted a lot of things in this note – this alone takes courage.
You’ve admitted that you have sought help – Attaboy # 2.

A friend once said to me “When you see someone walking past you on the street, what is it that makes you look twice? Is it a big nose, a goofy laugh, a nice shirt? Each of these things are subjective and totally someone’s opinion.” He was right. What I think is a nice shirt, another person doesn’t – who is right?

Another thing … what is their opinion worth anyway? Take them apart for a second instead of yourself. Do you rate them as a professional? Just a yes or no. Do you rate them personally? Again yes or no. If you say yes, tell them that you value their opinion. What will that hurt? Nothing. If they like you back, they’ll tell you straight. That’s what friends do. When you get that answer, listen to the what they are trying to say and don’t focus on how they are saying it. Chances are it’ll be good stuff – if it isn’t, go back and ask again, do I still value their opinion?

If you don’t rate them either personally or professionally, what does it matter what they think of you? It’s only their opinion.

You say that you’ve sought help. Do you rate that opinion? I’m not talking about shopping around until you get the answer that you want, I’m talking a straight answer from someone you respect.

Seek out people who’s opinions you respect and ditch the ones you don’t.

What are you seeking to be worthy about or for? I believe that we are all in the place we are meant to be for a reason – but it’s not always about us. Often people look at a situation and ask “What am I supposed to be getting out of this?” and sometimes it’s not about what they “get” but what they “give”. I’m willing to bet that you give something of yourself every day but just don’t know it. Look a bit harder on this one. Keeping your cool in a traffic jam when everyone around is honking the horn. Holding the lift for someone or even just not pushing your way in a line. Someone, somewhere will have noticed – I guarantee it.

I also know that most things in life are a matter of organisation and habit. If you’re organised, it’s easier to make good choices and they become good habits. I’m a mum and often things don’t go according to plan – but when I’m organised, if things go screwy, I’ve got a back up and I can make good choices. When I’m not organised, it’ll all go sour quicker than 10 sour things.

But I know I’ve got to be brave about it – every day. Every day I wake up and say, “I’m going to try again” and I do.

As an aside, by what measurement do you say you are not worthy? Start applying your own measurements and see what happens…. stuck in traffic? Give yourself an Attaboy for not losing your cool. Ate the wrong thing? Another Attaboy for for recognising that you’re eating for the wrong reason and identifying what the reason was.

Talking about it is a huge step. Writing it down is another. You’re doing both – ATTABOY!

Teach yourself to walk before you try to run. One day at a time.

Reply

Hi Anon,

After reading Craig’s blog’s for over a year and never commenting.. (serial lurker!) i really wanted to let you know that you are not alone. In my situation, I find that with the majority of people/situations i’m exactly the same.. but with a couple of select others – I feel great/relaxed/confident/no second guessing – and the best comes out in me – it’s a great natural feeling.. do you have those one or two people in your life? if so.. surround yourself with them and try to learn off the feelings and interactions you have with them and apply it to the other situations.. easier said that done I know – i’m still trying! but it’s a start! or at least – use those times to give yourself that boost you need to handle the other situations.. and remind yourself that you can be the person you want to be…
Kyles

Reply

Hi Me

I think that all of us have a little (or a lot) of you deep inside us. The scared someone who who struggles to find purpose. The painfully sad someone who is frozen by fear. Try to direct your focus outward. For me, it’s simple little things like appreciating a beautiful blue sky, taking a walk around the block and admiring other people’s gardens, growing something in the garden (or in a pot on a balcony), having a pet to take care of. Little things that remind me every day that life is wonderful and that we are needed by others (people, plants, pets). It doesn’t have to be a big thing. But once you plant a tomato plant, it needs watering, staking and nurturing. Your reward is it’s wonderful fruit and it’s all because of you!! Who knows, you may really take to this and then have extra tomatoes to share with others. Open yourself up to new experiences, focus on doing one new thing each day (or each week if that’s easier) and find reasons to smile. Thanks for sharing with us.

Reply

Dear Anon,

I get what you’re saying. I too have been “conditioned” to think about fear first. Now hello, I’m 49 years old and still have to fight that urge on a daily basis. Oh, I’ve conquered a lot of my fear, but there’s that silent, leery fear that continues to haunt me. For example, I will now ride a rollercoaster when at the age of 16 and it really mattered, I could not overcome the fear. My palms sweat profusely when I’d see a nice looking gentleman, but now I won’t miss an opportunity to go tell him that he’s nice looking. Today every time my son (who just married this past June) asks me a question, I’m fearful that I didn’t teach him everything he needs to know about being the best husband in the world, or that he and his wife are having trouble. It’s always the negative that pops in my mind first. So how did I overcome this fear? I journal…… a lot…you know, jot down things along the way in life. When I’m the most fearful, I find comfort in reading some old journal entries….it helps me see old fears from the past….then how they played out….and in most instances it was not so bad after all. Of course my next journal entry then reads….”thankfully I wrote about that because somehow I made it through and it’s all good.” It’s a therapeutic way for me to overcome my fears….one at a time. Now when I hear myself saying, yeah, it’s not really that easy, I just read about it and then I visualize an ending that could be much worse and decide it is that easy.

Maybe you could start depositing a few of your fears and your feelings into a written form…..then later make a withdrawal. No one can convince you that you’re okay more than you. Good luck!!

Reply

Hi Anon,

I haven’t commented for a long time but just felt I had to this time.

As you can tell from all the comments you are NOT alone, although you feel you are. I have had a history of feeling great fear as well. I guess the only thing that helped me was to actually let go – stay still feel the fear and then let it go, let go of all the negative, the bad words in your head – breath them out and each day try to do this over again, being still feeling it and letting it go. And at the same time try to do a tiny little thing that is scary for you – just a little thing and see how good that feels and just try to repeat it. Fear is not always over big things it can be the little things that are just as scary but overcoming the really little things can give you the confidence to eventually tackle something bigger.

Please keep going – keep trying to overcome – your worth it.

Hugs,

Jenny

Reply

Hello
This one moved me to comment for the first time.
Dear “scaredy cat”
I hear and feel your fear, have experienced a similar thing myself, and I hope the following hint will help you to take a bit of control. I believe the brain functions like a computer and that your “fear software program” is long overdue for an update.
One hint passed on to me helped me enormously to reprogram my thinking and I trust it will do the same for you. My programming was around stress and reactive thinking and behaviours and I was taught the following -
Every morning when I woke up I was to acknowledge that “yes, I was going to find stressors in my life today” and I was taught to “do my stress for the day”, in small manageable bits (10 mins), there and then, before I even got out or bed.
My morning dialogue went something like this -
“Yep I’m going to get on the road and some idiot is going to cut me up and I’m gonna get mad” and yep I’ll get to work and they’ll be lurking – “OH good, there you are, can you just do this for me, right now” and I’ll go to the coffee room and someone will have used the last of the milk and I’m gonna feel put upon cos I have to go to the supply room and replace it – not to mention the toilet paper!! etc, etc, etc. My daily dialogue went a lot like this – I flared up and stressed at most things. Habit, just habit, in my case.

Whenever my intellect tried to do the same thoughts and reactions during the day I was to speak strongly to it/me, saying “NOPE, NOT GOING THERE – DONE THAT ALREADY TODAY”. I think I spoke/sometimes shouted this, out loud and internally depending on where I was, at least 60 times a day during my early days!!
Little by little my extremely strong controlling intellect was reprogrammed and I felt in control of my thoughts, rather than them in control of me.
Slowly and surely my morning chat to myself changed – ” today I’m having less and less stress in my life and its getting better all the time”.

Translate this dialogue to suit your own circumstances and give it a go – after all what have you got to lose?

I remember a book being around in the 1990′s called “Feel the fear and do it anyway”, by Susan Jeffers, and contains some useful, practical advice. Another useful tool for this type of brain retraining is kiniesology and I would urge you to find a practitioner when you feel you are ready.
Took me a lot longer than 18 months to reprogram a lifetime of reactive behaviours in myself and now? – well, I’m so laid back I’m practically horizontal (most of the time).
I wish you the best of luck and am sending you lots of good thoughts. Hmmm, what could your new name be – perhaps Tiger!
Sue. xo

Reply

Hey there. This is my first post (co-lurker) and I just want to reinforce what I’ve seen written in other posts. I agree that you need to lose the expectation of feeling ‘worthy’ (completely value-laden), then follow a structured method of applying a diciplined approach to what thoughts you allow to dominate your mind. As thinking is a behaviour this takes as much effort to manage as training your body to perform physically. In a nutshell – you are in control of the vessel that is your body (that includes your brain) and it is your/our job to manage this vessel so it can perform at its peak. Yes, that does mean starting at the top with managing your thoughts. (have a look for some books on Cognitive Behaviour and Rational Emotive Therapy, I think they will help you massively in this area)

Cya,

Micki

Reply

From one scaredy cat to another

Everyone feels like this at some stage, however it is rising above this feeling that will pull you through to the other more positive side of this low, a much better place to be. Time to shift your focus from self pity to self help, you CAN do this by changing one small thing at a time. The pain in changing will not be as great as the self pity felt by not changing, the feeling of accomplishment after your change will be the cherry on top, this will have a flow on effect and before you know it you will be kicking it and any lows will only last a few hours after realisation and implementation of change.

Long term lurker Lorraine SA

P.S Craig my T-shirt size is proudly 10- I have lost over 30kg the last 18 months, 6kg or so to go, thanks for your inspiration

Reply

Hi Anon & all

Man we are good at “me.dot.com” aren’t we, Craig watch out, just like Morrie (Tuesday’s with Morrie) the student out performs the teacher….only joking, as if. But how good are these comments / advice. If I continue to read them all I reckon I’m gonna get my marching orders at work.

Anon, I really don’t want to add much more to all the great advice already provided, however from my own experience, I was in a dark place for around 10 years (1999-2009), 5 of which were pitch black – a blur really….all I can remember was that I lived a Ground Hog day scenario where each day would be just like yesterday.

I had amazing people around me but I just could not get out of the darkness. Not even having a fantastic baby via a traumatic IVF regime provided me with joy – I just went backwards after her birth as I was not rightly balance between my ears. My headspace was f*%$ed…I just wanted to argue with my husband and self destruct. I felt worthless, I was so robotic in my actions and never really lived my life with feeling and joy.

Rock bottom for me was earlier this year – I just had to do something, even my daily Craig fixed were great motivation only until I left the computer. I decieded to see a clinical psychologist (different to that of a normal shrink) these guys work on the now & here experience and not where or why.

My sessions were very scary at the start (I’ve been seeing Karen for 5 months now) however am now really seeing results.

One thing that I have learnt:

NEVER focus on the past – this is done and dusted, buried, kaput, gone never to return. Don’t let this haunt you. The mind is an extremely powerful place and this is where all the damage & joy happens, if you allow it to.

At first, I was confused, I wanted to focus on joy but didn’t know how. I started applying the principles of “mindfulness” (do some reading on this) it’s fantastic. Mindfulness, meditation is also great help. It focuses on your here and now experience without dwelling on the past and worrying about the future. You know, I use to be the “what if” person..now I never use “what if”…what if is just our fear talking….what if what????? It is what you are doing now that is important on the ‘if”. That is what I have found distructive. I know focus fully on what I am doing in the moment, if my mind wonders, I bring it back to what I am doing presently. Try this and see how you go.

….of course, my daily Craig at “me.dot.com” also can take much of the credit, however you need to listen and apply what Craig says. Reading and just saying that was good, is not enough. We all know how good Craig is, its obvoiusly us that needs to change, that’s why we are all here.

Love to all and have a great day.

Gullu

Reply

Hey there
This is only the second time I have ever commented here, but I feel compelled to do so this time. A few things spring to mind:
Firstly, as a nurse and health coach, the first thing I would ask you to do is to actually go and have a complete medical check up. Sometimes, we look toward the outside when there is actually the reason is internal. Perhaps you are clinically depressed. There is a biological basis for some types of despression. I know – I struggled for years, trying to find the right person to help me find some way out of my own black hole. There is actually a time and place for anti-depressants – as a short term treatment and as part of a management plan. Often, after a couple of weeks of anti-depressants, your thinking will start to clear and that’s when you can start on work on the “stuff”, then a great team approach between your doctor, your “talking person” (whoever that may be), will get you further than doing it on your own. (Keep in mind that just because you start to feel better, it’s unwise to stop taking medication – talk to your doc first) If it is the case that you are stuggling with depression, it can be difficult to reachout for help as you feel you aren’t worth it or you just don’t have the energy or motivation to do so. As Craig has said 1 zillion times, if we rely on motivation to do things, we are pretty much shot from the outset. There is a saying I use with myclients when they are struggling with negative thinking patterns – give the thought 10 seconds in your head (acknoweldge that it exists), then say to yourself “Yes, I know I am tired and I fel blah blah blah, but you know what…I’m gonna do it anyway”…So, let me tell you, as a depression junkie from years ago – there is so much more to life than the black hole and once you put one foot in front of the other, you will find you are walking – that means you are moving. Move toward what you want and at the same time away from what you don;t want.
From the bottom of my heart, I wish you all the best and will pray for you..

Reply

In the past I suffered from depression and anxiety. I am now kicking goals, socially confident and enjoying life without the black dog. Completely understanding two concepts were essential for me: Globalising and Eternalising.

Globalising- just because one or two things aren’t going to plan in life, doesn’t mean “life sucks” or everything is hard. Keep constant perspective by listing the things you’re grateful for or excited about, while keeping the challenges and upsets in a separate “box”. Perspective!!

Eternalising – just because something is hard now, or something is going wrong now, doesn’t mean it will be that way forever. In fact we can rely on change – lots of it! “This too shall soon pass”. Eternalising problems, or your perceived shortcomings, will overwhelm you with hopelessness. Realise there is an end to all pain and problems and the more we focus on the other side of them the quicker we get there.

No one is any more worthy or less worthy than anyone else. Some people have simply developed better life skills to get them through feeling stronger and happier. We build those skills slowly over time. Just keep doing the work, without eternalising, without globalising, without assessing your ‘worth’, one day at a time. You’ll “accidentally” find yourself happy. Good luck x

Reply

Dear anon,
its sounds like that you really need the support of people around you.You seem to understand whats going on but for whatever reasons you don’t have the strength to implement this. It is always easy to find or get advice especially if your are looking for it ,look at all the wonderful people who have poured in with their advice and experiences.
You feel like giving up because it is too hard but how can you change if you give up on yourself. You must of wanted some change to previously seek help. I believe your path has been a hard and long one but you need to believe that there is always help out there and you deserve and are worth the effort. Louise Hay’s says how can you expect others to love you if you don’t love yourself. How can you expect good when you don’t believe you deserve it. You need to believe in yourself and believe all will come to you if you believe you deserve it. No one is perfect we’ve all made mistakes and we’ve had challenges or struggles in our lives, but we still deserve to be happy and loved.
I believe you need to find a good support group where you will meet new people and also have their support when you feel you need it.
Having support around you will give you the strength to stand and eventually walk on your own from learning and growing.
Don’t give up on life because life is what we make it and there are so many opportunities out there for everyone, we all deserve to be happy.

Reply

I can relate to everything in anon’s email. For the past, well almost 20 years, I’ve struggled with depression, low self esteem, anorexia, anxiety, Post Natal Depression…….. There have been many different names for what I’ve experienced. Much of that time I felt suicidal and had health problems to contend with – mostly bought on by poor choices during these low times.

My lovely husband has always pointed out that despite how bad life has felt, I’ve never given up. And neither has Anon. The fact that they’ve sat down and written to Craig reflects their desire for help and relief. THAT in itself is a hugely positive sign.

Sometimes it can take a while to heal what hurts us and even though it hurts to work through our stuff we need to keep on keeping on. For me much of my understanding and realizations about what I”ve actually learnt in this journey of life has come from hindsight and looking at how I’ve dealt with things in life.

From those negative experiences and dark times I’ve learnt a lot about myself and others. I’ve learnt to accept others, to have compassion, tolerance and understanding – mostly bedcause those thinggs weren’t always shown to me along the way. It took me a lot longer to learn to love and respect myself, to appreciate myself as the unique individual I am. There’s been some tough habits to break, such as comparing myselfto others, expecting perfection, procrastination and harshly judging myself. Some days are still harder than others but for the first time ever I am so happy to be alive, feeling fit and flowing a whole lot better with life and the hurdles it throws my way.

Definately seek help, I’ve seen a number of counsellors and other alternative professionals and found I’ve clicked with some better than others…. you have to be able to relate and to be honest in order to get results. The last counsellor I was said one thing that noone else has ever said to me and it helped immensely, ‘I give you permission to be you!’. For me those words changed how I saw things. Personally I’ve found that exercise is my anti-depressant (go those good endorphins!) and healthy eating and enough sleep are essential.

I wouldn’t fit societies idea of a success story, I’m a stay at home Mum of 3 kids, but I know how far I’ve come and so do my family and that’s all that matters.

Keep smiling ) Leah

Reply

Hey Anon,

When I read your words it was as if I had written them only months ago. I have travelled the road of depression for about the last 16 years. The first time I got through with just counselling and my husband and close friends. I did not tell many people. Unfortunately it is reaccuring for me. And yes I have hit rock bottom and considered opting out of life. Thankfully an observant mother took it upon herself to get onto beyond blue and get me some help. I have taken medication and yes it did help get me through my darkest times. But the best thing I ever did was start to let people know that I had depression. My friends and family have been an unbelievable support to me. I have come across so many people who suffer from depression or have family that do. I openly discuss my lowest moments and explain what I was feeling and how my thoughts seemed so rational. It is a mental illness and the more people understand the more they can help others. I came off medication in Septmeber 2008. I let all my friends and family know so as to be aware if they noticed me falling down that hole again. I have managed really well until several months ago. The feeling descended upon me. I told myself it wasn’t happening but it’s like having two brains. One is sane and tells you to get over yourself the other is pure emotion and it feels full of grief. I have that constant feeling of needing to cry. I physically can’t laugh.I feel overwhelmed, hopeless, stupid, sometimes almost paranoid and when people tell me how wonderful, bright, pretty I am I do not believe them. I was getting frustrated at myself. I decided that I had to force myself to do things and not hide away. Each little achievement, however small, helped a little. I pushed myself. When I really didn’t want to do something I made myself. I joined a gym and started pilates (this is how I heard about Craig and saw his presentation). Exercise really does help. I have to push myself to exercise but feel so much better afterwards. I have slowly come back to what I feel is normal. I knew I was ok when I could truely laugh again and not just fake it.
I feel for you and what you are going through. I know you can get through this even though it may feel like it will never end. Below are some of the things I truely believe have helped me.
- NEVER, EVER compare yourself with others…you don’t truely know the road they have travelled or what their life is like.
- don’t have huge expectations for yourself or others. No one is perfect and never will be. Accept it and move on.
- Share your feeling with family and friends. They are a great support. Even my children know about my depression so if they ever feel this way they will get help.
- push yourself particularly when you feel you can’t. When you succeed you will feel that spark of positivity.
- don’t let others do everything for you. It erodes your self esteem.
- allow yourself to cry then pick yourself up push yourself to move on.
- I know you may feel exahausted but if you do nothing, nothing in your life will change.
- do some exercise. Start off small and as you feel better push yourself a little more.
- get medical help. It will get you through the worst times and give you the opportunity to move forward
- try and keep giving yourself positive feedback

I have wonderful family and friends and a great life and I still suffer depression. It’s not yours or anyone elses fault. It just who we are. Please keep trying to push through these feelings. It is so worth it when you come out the other side. Life is good for me at the moments and I try an appreciate it. I will always fight this monster but I will always have support and I will never give up. Life is too good when I’m feeling normal not to fight for it.

Keep fighting it’s worth it! And remember…people do care!

Kate x

Reply

Colleen, “desiderata” is awesome, thank you so much for reminding us of it’s existence, I had forgotten and it certainly brought out the “warm fuzzies” for me.
Life is certainly full of complexities and simplicity, so many paradoxes. We all start our lives in this world as little babies, vulnerable, dependent, trusting, loving…….as we grow and learn, experiences can change us, mould us, influence and affect us, sometimes we lose our way, our balance, our focus. Our dreams may dim, our faith may falter, but while our hearts still beat there is still the glimmer of hope.
I think this site is strong evidence of the true wonders of life – people.

-Debbie

Reply

Hi Anon,
Firstly I send you love, acceptance and a huge hug!
Not that long ago I was right where you are now. After watching a movie Ten Things I Hate About You I began to think about how easy it was to list all the things I hated about myself, friends, my life etc. My thoughts then moved to the challenge of listing 10 things I loved about my life, friends, and myself – this was super hard to do, shocking but sadly true! So over the next week or so I worked on that list until I was able to write 10 valid statements that I really believed. It was during this week that my thoughts about myself, life and friends moved in a more positive direction. Life is not perfect by any means but I try to find 3 things I appreciate each day and thank the universe for blogs like this, Craig and this wonderful online community. I know you will find your way and I will be thinking about you while you do it!
Mary Anne from Moe

Reply

Dear Friend (anon),

The greatest truth you have to know is there is not one person on the planet who is worthy. It’s true – in my manual on life – Basic Instructions Before Leaving Earth (bible) it says that we have all fallen short of the glory of God. Very often and I speak from my own experience we try all sorts of things, reading, visualisation, exercise, reading Craig’s blog etc etc and then we fail. Well it is a bit like trying to drive a car without a battery. It simply won’t go. Unless your life is plugged into a power source there is simply not enough power to move through life. My friend the greatest gift I can offer you today is to remind you that you are fearfully and wonderfully made by God and that the only thing He wants is to have a relationship with you. Once you plug yourself into God the power you will receive will enable you to see through new eyes. As you continue your journey through life it will be with the power, help and guidance of the creator who made heaven and earth. I trust that you will come to a place where you will know that God Loves you just the way you are and NOTHING can seperate you from that Love – not even you.
May God strengthen you today and always
Cheryl

Reply

Hi Anon,

Have you ever tried doing volunteer work? I can tell you from my own experience that when you help other’s you really do feel good about yourself. You realize how worthy you are and how other people benefit from your kindness. Another thing to do is look in the mirror every morning when you get out of bed and tell yourself how wonderful you are and start telling yourself positive things and try not to focus on the negative. Good Luck, I hope you start to heal soon because we are all worthy of having a good life like Craig Harper.

Reply

I know I’m late… too late for a T-shirt. (Does that make me unfashionably late, since I’m out of the running for a new fashion item?)

Anyways, I’ve been there, I’ve done that, and I realize that while you’re in the thick of things, hearing that someone has been there and done it isn’t too much comfort.

I was unemployed from mid-January until the beginning of September… nearly 8 months. My wife hasn’t worked since we were married 8 years ago, since we never needed her to.

Things have been tough for us recently. We survived, and are hoping to thrive.

Well, I blamed the lack of job offers on the bad economy. I blamed losing my last job on corporate higher-ups trying to micromanage through statistics. Technically, I was right. Realistically, I would have had more control over my situation, except that I had a lot of momentum of bad habits and mediocrity.

What went wrong? Well, let’s go a bit further back… The job I was most recently fired from was a tech-support job. It involves a range of skills, none of them physical. I have to be great with customers, be great with computers, and be great with the theory behind wires and electricity. I was all three. Customers loved me.

However, I wasn’t ambitious. I’d fix a customer’s problem because the troubleshooting was fun, and it was an interesting challenge to turn an irate customer into someone who was thanking me every other sentence. Sucking up to the bosses was a daunting task, and I couldn’t care less about the rating system they had in place. Because I let the rating system slide, and I never developed a relationship with the bosses, it was easy for them to get rid of me when they decided to start closing the office down.

My habits go further back, though. The job I had before that was the sole software developer in a company, tasked with updating databases. I set out ambitious goals for the software I was writing, and set to work immediately. I worked hard, I was meticulous at finding bugs and circumventing problems. I kept to myself, though, and wouldn’t ask for help. When the first deadline came, for the first release, I was about a week behind… For six months of programming, being only a week behind is great; shows great planning, good steady work, and the lack of bugs was a testament to my attention to detail. However, because I didn’t keep my supervisor aware of my progress, didn’t let them know exactly what was going on, I was fired.

The habits continue… I was in the US Army for 5 years… let go on a medical discharge. I tell acquaintances that my hip wore out and I am unable to run for extended periods of time (which is true)… but I tell my closest friends that I was diagnosed with “Schizotypal Disorder”, which is NOT schizophrenia. No, I don’t hear voices, I don’t see things, and I have a firm grasp on objective reality. No, schizotypal disorder means that I don’t show emotion… I wasn’t ambitious, and I wouldn’t tell my chain of command my problems. I was wonderful at my job; I was the one who was sent out to train the new additions to my unit, I was the first to troubleshoot any problem, and often was the one who solved it. It was my attitude that always got me in trouble… and it wasn’t even a “bad” attitude… I never caused trouble, never stirred up muck… but I never tried to expand outside of my comfort zone, either.

Seeing a pattern? I am not assuming that you have a schizotypal personality disorder, or any disorder of any type… What I’m trying to demonstrate is that often, the problem is a long standing sense of complacency in an ever changing world. A desire to find a point that is comfortable, that gives you some sense of pride, then stay there as long as possible.

It is a terribly hard habit to break. I’m still working on it. These recent 8 months of unemployment have strained my marriage dramatically. My number 1 problem in my house is that I have the job of cleaning the cat’s litter box… Well, with my habit, I clean it, then feel complacent for the rest of the day… then the habit kicks that complacency into the next day, and possibly into the day after that… Then my shame and guilt immobilize me, and things get worse. If I don’t struggle against decades of habit, then it blows up into my wife yelling at me before I finally take action.

My advice: First, things will improve again. Don’t despair because you’re living as low as you’ve lived before, an opportunity will present itself, and you’ll recognize it, and you’ll use it to lift yourself by your bootstraps. I know this, not because I have faith in some mystical guide that always lifts people up, but because opportunities are everywhere, and it is inevitable that you’ll find one you can use.

Second, keep looking for the next opportunity. It may be a progression of the first opportunity, such as a promotion at work, or it may be something completely different. The key is, you must keep looking, and you must keep adapting, because the world is always changing. If you’re comfortable, you’re sliding backwards… which can be done for a time, to catch your breath, (in fact, exercise requires periods of rest, or the muscles will never heal and never grow stronger). However, if you rest for too long, you’ll be passed by, and you’ll find yourself in the same familiar pit.

Finally, and Craig repeats this so often that it’s becoming a catch phrase, you must get out of your head and act. Planning is good, it keeps us from avoiding obvious problems, but all of the planning in the world is useless if we don’t act. One of the methods I’m working on is to write two short lists before I go to bed: A to-do list and a must-do list. The to-do list is pretty simple, I just write down what I want to accomplish. The must-do list, however, has two columns; what I must do, and what I can’t do until the the matching tasks are completed. For instance, I have cleaning the litter box matched up with making coffee, watching TV, and playing on the computer… I can not do any of those three things (which are the highlights of my boring days) until after I have cleaned the litter box. The last item pair on my must do is always write tomorrow’s list matched with sleep… I can’t sleep until I’ve written tomorrow’s list.

It’s simple, and it gets me out of my head long enough to accomplish something. Each week, I try to look for ways to challenge myself, and I’m actively trying to find ways to impress my boss now.

Things used to happen to me that were outside of my control… and now, things still happen to me that are outside of my control, but by acting today (always today… always right now), my life is a little bit better than it was yesterday… I have a good job, I have a good family, and as long as I don’t spend too much time resting, as long as I remember to act, things will get better.

It’s not easy… but I’m happier than I ever have been. (Adding to my must-do list… 15 minutes cardio on a stationary bike, 3x/week, increase duration and intensity monthly, matched with taking a shower. see about lowering caffeine dependence.)

Now,

Reply

Dear Anon, it really is as simple as believe it and it will be. Was just where you were at times and I have no doubt I will be back where you are as I don’t have the motivation to maintain the fabulous feeling of just being. I get to a point where I just don’t care who thinks what of me, whether what i am doing is right or wrong or makes me good or bad I just don’t care and guess what, people are nice to me, nicer than when I am Queen of the Whingers and blamer of everyone but me. People just treat me like a normal person and therefore I feel better and actually start to think I am worthy of my life no matter what I make of it, its mine to do as I please with and if my choices don’t make the world happy, so what …. so long as I never deliberately hurt someone or be malicious or spiteful (and there’s a lot of people out there who do stuff like that). Sounds simple but just stop analysing and caring and please yourself for a change and you may actually get to like yourself.

Reply