Once a fortnight (or so) here at me-dot-com, I walk to the back of the cyber-classroom and hand over the teaching reins and coach’s whistle to you, my readers. Today is that day. Keep in mind that you don’t need to be a guru, genius or expert to teach the rest of us something (I’m none of those things, so there’s your proof). No, you just need to be willing to share your thoughts, ideas, opinions and experiences.
To Be or Not to Be (aggressive)
The other day, someone asked me if I think it’s okay to be aggressive at times and, if so, when. Good question. And, amazingly, the first time I’ve been asked it. I thought I might open the door on that conversation today. As always, I’d love you to jump in with your thoughts and ideas and to make this something of a group discussion and exploration.
Rocking the Boat
I guess one of the potential dangers of being a seeker and searcher is that sometimes, in our endeavours to become more enlightened, connected, spiritual, peace-loving, tolerant and conscious beings, we might (periodically) wind up being people-pleasing, agree-a-holics who are never willing to rock the boat, to make a stand, to challenge injustice, to voice a contrary opinion or to aggressively stand up to someone or for something.
“All that is necessary for evil to triumph is for good men to do nothing.” (Edmund Burke)
Of course it’s okay to be aggressive. There are times and situations where it’s the only thing that will ‘work’.
Strategic Aggression
I’m talking about infrequent and controlled aggression but aggression nonetheless. Not to be confused with violence, intimidation, physically hurting people or out-of-control behaviour. Your aggression may have a physical element to it (to protect yourself or someone else), it might be completely verbal (to stand up for what you believe is right) or it could come in the form of some other controlled and strategic behaviour.
Horses for Courses
For example, I have been (and will continue to be) aggressive with bullies. If I know that somebody is intimidating, disadvantaging or manipulating someone I care about, there are times when I will intercede. Aggressively. Bullies don’t typically respond well to logic, reason or manners so in order to ‘connect’ with them, I will speak their language. I will do what works. I will give them a taste of what they have given others. I don’t like bullies. Does it show? Of course, if I can create a solution without any nastiness, conflict or aggression, that’s my preferred option. Always.
Different Types of Aggression
We can be aggressive in business. Not unfair or dishonest but aggressive nonetheless. We can be aggressive in our pursuit of excellence and success. We can kick, scream, scratch and fight our way out of adversity and poverty. We can aggressively defend what we believe is right and just. We can aggressively tell the horrible disease that it doesn’t belong in our body. We can train aggressively in the gym because that’s where we find our ‘zone’ and our best results. Yep, aggression can manifest in a range of positive ways and has a range of potentially valuable applications.
If, when I mention aggression, you’re visualising some high-octane, violent action-movie (type) behaviour, you’re missing the point totally. If aggression is used at all, it needs to be used sparingly, strategically, intelligently and in a controlled manner. The person who is constantly aggressive (1) probably has an anger problem and is out of control (2) dilutes the potential power (of aggression) (3) will self-sabotage his way to misery and (4) will become socially repellent – if he’s not already.
Give Me Your Wallet
A few years ago, someone jumped into my car while I was parking in a shopping centre and demanded my wallet. It’s fair to say that I didn’t offer him a free mentoring session, a copy of my book and a hug. Or my wallet. And no, this is not about being tough or macho; it’s about not letting people abuse, hurt or control us. Of course, the way I responded (in that situation) would not be the best course of action for my mum (for example). And yes, there’s an element of calculated risk involved in my response but (1) I assessed him and the situation quickly and calmly and (2) there is an element of risk walking out the front door each morning.
Sometimes in the hustle and bustle of our highly-competitive, fast-paced world, it appears that nice (kind, generous, selfless) people can often be mistaken for weak people. I hate that. I’m all for living (and advocating) a peaceful, conscious, calm and generous existence but there are times and situations when only aggression will work.
Some questions for your discussion, deliberation and dissection:
1. Do you think there are times when aggression is the appropriate response or strategy?
2. How do we know when aggression is the best option?
3. Has it worked for you? (details)
4. How do we use appropriate aggression (when necessary) without losing our Zen-ness? (if you know what I mean)
As always, here at me-dot-com we’re not interested in being ‘right or wrong’. We’re interested in a meaningful exchange of ideas, opinions, lessons and stories. Feel free to answer as many or as few questions as you please. Or, simply share your thoughts. Love to hear from you – even if you’ve been lurking in the cyber-darkness for years. 
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“If I know that somebody is intimidating, disadvantaging or manipulating someone I care about, there are times when I will intercede. Aggressively. Bullies don’t typically respond well to logic, reason or manners so in order to ‘connect’ with them, I will speak their language. I will do what works. I will give them a taste of what they have given others.” I’M IN LOVE
Often the word “aggression” can usefully be replaced with other words like determination, perseverence, etc (see thesaurus) – but in some cases aggression is the only word you can use, with its suggestion of hostility combined with the element of wanting to win.
Several elements are flexible even when aggression is the only word applicable, for example, to what extent does a person INTEND to be aggressive? Someone intimidating (physically or mentally) can appear more aggressive than they mean to be because another person is intimidated by them.
Then again, a person has a choice as to how to interpret someone else’s behaviour. Unaggressive behaviour interpreted as aggressive means paranoia (not helpful).
The sticking point comes when aggressive behaviour can only be interpreted as unambiguously aggressive. Humans being animals, our options are fight, flight or freeze (only helpful to the stronger person). I guess that’s why there are rules (laws) (it’s not legal to demand someone’s wallet). Although, as we all know, life isn’t fair…
No, aggression is not acceptable. Yes, aggression worked for me, until, age 10, my sister grew taller and quicker than me. Now (most of the time) I’m a people-pleasing agree-a-holic, or, as I prefer to think of it, a member of society.
1. Do you think there are times when aggression is the appropriate response or strategy? Absolutely.
2. How do we know when aggression is the best option? When all of options have failed or it is in the best interest of your safety and well being of someone physically, mentally or socially weaker than you. Including children, the elderly and those who may have a physical challenge.
3. Has it worked for you? (details) Yes. A bully at work. I called him out on his agressive yelling management style in front of my support system because we were all always talking about it but no one was doing anything about it. His constant yelling in meetings was immature and unprofessional. I remained calm and stated the facts but would not back down at his rant. It was quite empowering.
4. How do we use appropriate aggression (when necessary) without losing our Zen-ness? There is nothing wrong with using the FIGHT (agression) in the FIGHT or FLIGHT. As long it does not become a knee jerk reaction. Stand your ground. You have to.
As a woman I tend to look towards men when it comes to aggression. To my mind, it’s a valid response to danger, either towards yourself or someone important to you. “In psychology, as well as other social and behavioral sciences, aggression (also called combativeness) refers to behavior between members of the same species that is intended to cause pain or harm.” (from Wikipedia)
As a woman, I am assertive. I speak out and I can take care of myself. I’m not sure it’s a good idea for a woman to be aggressive unless she’s protecting her cubs or she’s in roller derby.
And, aggression in business really turns me off. I don’t know if it’s necessary or not since I’m not in the corporate world. I’m a painter and I don’t have to accept it from anyone work-wise.
It’s the word “aggressive” thats so threatening. If aggressive means standing up for yourself, your morals, values and beliefs – staying within your boundaries, then yes, I agree, aggression is appropriate. There are people who will attempt to take advantage, use and manipulate others for their own gain. Being firm, aggressive and uncompromising is the only language they understand.
HI Craig,
Could you explain in more detail the fine line between ‘aggressive’ and ‘assertive’ in the workplace. I have been accused of aggression a lot of times in the work environment but i am definitely not a bully and very respectful of everyone else. I am, however, very assertive for a female as i have a law enforcement background and it was a necessary element for survival at times. I do not behave in what i consider an ‘aggressive state’ in the workplace and have been on the receiving end of bullying and it is on the top of my list of things i find abhorrent.
I just thought it might be helpful to explore this difference in more detail….
Being aggressive and being a BULLY are two entirely different things.. so to say you treat a bully on there territory and hence are aggressive is not correct.. Bullying someone is taking away there rights, teasing or provoking… for no reason being aggressive is defined as attacks, going all out to achieve goals, to win or succeed, energetic and the use of initiative and forceulness – there is a dramatic difference….
So I ask you isn’t it our god given right to go about what we want with energy, inititave and forcefulness… it is really only the lazy that have a problem with this as they are NOT willing to put the work in and therefore.. they do succumb to bullying and unethical behaviour to get what they want because they are weak, dont understand nor do they want to see the truth.. and then they call us ‘aggressive’ … examples I have hundreds but as this is a public forum anI wont share them… but the outcome = inner peace living my truth… NO MATTER WHAT
MY OPINION – Yes there is always a place for aggression NO ONE IS GOING TO COME and give it to you .. its impossible – if you want it GO AND GET IT…I am not here to live by anyone elses standards, beliefs or opinons I will live my turths and if you call it aggression… I probably wont even hear you!
Hi Stormy Bear,
They are defined in the dictionary as the same things but generally when a woman stands up for herself and shows respect especially in the workplace ppl call it aggression and if she happens to be smart and good looking they call it being a bitch.. wake up people…
We often associate aggressiveness with action, driving and achieving. A sort of macho mindset encouraged by movies and computer games.
Aggressive behavior in its literal sense is reactionary and impulsive behavior that often results in breaking household rules or the law; aggressive behavior is violent and unpredictable.
This implies violence nastiness and violation of others dignity is OK.
Is this really what we want?
I prefer the concept of assertiveness. In other words thinking, talking and acting positively and confidently in a persistent way.
Building on what is good and discarding what is of no real value.
I am one of three girls born into the family and I am proud of the fact that my father thinks that I am an “assertive” driver. He can see that I am not shy to move or indecisive about taking a course of action on the road. Of course this is very different to the “aggressive” driver who can be prone to fits of rage (road rage etc). What is it that causes a seemingly normal person to step into a vehicle and have a complete metamorphosis and become someone different? This form of aggression cannot be tolerated. I believe though that there is a “time and place for everything in moderation”, and that is the key if circumstances prevail that a course of action is required.
1. Do you think there are times when aggression is the appropriate response or strategy?
I’m afraid not.
2. How do we know when aggression is the best option?
It’s not sorry to go all Gandhi on you but it does not create change or happiness.
3. Has it worked for you? (details)
See above
4. How do we use appropriate aggression (when necessary) without losing our Zen-ness? (if you know what I mean)
There is none
Kate you are spot on – there is a difference between bully and agression. The problem is, when you are bullied you are made to feel like you are in the wrong. The bullies and those that support them are masters at this.
Sometimes rocking the boat is not a good thing. Some may disagree but it brings change. If I want a challenge, I’ll take up Rubik’s cube.
From a male perspective sometimes assertiveness can be perceived as aggression. I know I am particularly careful in my management responsibilities to portray as little aggression as possible and only become assertive if it is a genuine matter of principal or values….not to be be confused with passion and enthusiasm for a goal, objective or task. I think it relates specifically to the filters of the people we are dealing with or are a party to the action or behaviour being judged. Very hard to gauge the right behaviour in every case so is it right to spend so much time being the right person in the right situation every time or is it better to just be and perhaps work on the core of who we are if it is not aligned with our values…does that make sense? I’m pretty sure everyone abhores unnecessary aggressive behaviour as it adds no value (unless we are talking about UFC) and sets a poor standard for others…specificaly on to the questions
1. Yes…fighting sports, last resort defence etc.
and I did repair the fence too. Was it the right response…probably not but I was young, 10 feet tall and bullet proof (at least I thought so). However like Craig said I had to “speak their language”.
2. Instinct
3. fighting sports mostly but one time my eldest son was curiously looking over our neighbours fence (he was about 4 or 5) and the young adults (used loosely) were bonging on…when they saw him curiously looking over they started hurling abuse and squirted him with the hose. I was training on my kick bag in the garage at the time and when he came in crying lets just say the adrenalin was pumping and I punched a mighty big hole in the fence (even surprised myself) and that was enough to send a pretty clear signal about what I thought was ok. I never had any issues with them again
4. By being conscious of our behaviour but open to everything (harmony of body and mind)….Mushin – mind of no mind.
Michael,
Well I was bullied at work and the only way this was resolved was by being what some would refer as ‘aggressive’ ie standing up for my rights… simply stating I was doing my job, I was a woman, NO i didnt have kids like them and that was not my fault – but I would not tolerate anyone treating me with disrespect anymore, nor ppl not doing there jobs and I went as far as to..
Anyway long long story – outcome 2 x ppl sacked, I got promoted
Hi,
Not to make light of the issue but of all the cars this guy had to pick to steal someones wallet in a shopping centre car park he had to pick the ex-bouncer with arms as big as my waist. Thats just instant karma! In a situation like that and you know what youre doing, absolutely. Not for everyone ofcourse.
Sometimes when I’m running and a dog comes running at me trying to nip at my heals or even bite me. I find being aggressive works a treat.
My mum back 30 years ago used to throw a shoe at me when I was playing up. Bit aggressive I guess but it did pull me into line! Although I can’t walk past a shoe shop without flinching these days.
Cheers,
Dom
Dear Kate,
Thanks for your messages. I have had very similar experiences as you by the sounds of it and i totally agree with everything you have said. Yep…..the interpretation of aggressive does seem to be directly related to:
1. if you are a woman
2. if you are intelligent
3. if you have values you stand up for
4. if you happen to be semi attractive and take care of yourself physically
5. if you dont have kids….or heaven forbid…a husband
6. if you have ambition and passion
7. if you dont partake in the gossip mongering negative behaviour
This is a very interesting subject……..thanks for putting it out there Craig. I could write a book on this………..
lol dom! And stormy bear tick tick 2 ur list..so true!
@Kate- Assertive and aggressive are not defined the same way:
assertive |əˈsərtiv|
adjective
having or showing a confident and forceful personality : patients should be more assertive with their doctors.
aggressive |əˈgresiv|
adjective
ready or likely to attack or confront; characterized by or resulting from aggression : he’s very uncooperative and aggressive | aggressive behavior.
• pursuing one’s aims and interests forcefully, sometimes unduly so : an aggressive businessman.
Karen,
Totally agree … never said they were… sid bullying and aggressive behaviour were not the sme..
Aggressive defined as (as noted but not marked as dictionary ref) in my res
–adjective
1. characterized by or tending toward unprovoked offensives, attacks, invasions, or the like; militantly forward or menacing: aggressive acts against a neighboring country.
2. making an all-out effort to win or succeed; competitive: an aggressive basketball player.
3. vigorously energetic, esp. in the use of initiative and forcefulness: an aggressive salesperson.
4. boldly assertive and forward; pushy: an aggressive driver.
5. emphasizing maximum growth and capital gains over quality, security, and income: an aggressive mutual fund.
6. Medicine/Medical .
a. (of a disease or tumor) spreading rapidly or highly invasive; difficult or impossible to treat successfully.
b. pertaining to a risky surgery or treatment, or to a medication that has grave side effects: aggressive
Assertive (funny how they use the word aggressive to define this)
as·ser·tive
–adjective
1. confidently aggressive or self-assured; positive: aggressive; dogmatic: He is too assertive as a salesman.
2. having a distinctive or pronounced taste or aroma
Cheers kate X
PS I have no problem being called aggressive its a compliment to be strong.
Kate that is wonderful to hear. It crushed me. I have not been able to work for a year and a bit barring some consulting work. I am not in a place where I can go back into a group situation ATM. The worse thing as how I was not believed. Men don’t get bullied in the workplace. They do, I did. It destroyed me.
Having said that, that does not preclude me going to get a new job just not quite yet.
Aggression works only if the recipient of the aggressive behaviour is subject to the incapacitation of a truthful and honest response due to fear. Aggression displayed by another is not the problem, it is my lack of a fearless response that is.