I’m kinda busy today, so I thought it might be an idea for you mentors-in-the-making to do some teaching of your own and to download some of your wisdom, insight, truth and life-experience to the rest of the group. With me? Good. Okay, so we know that what often stands between us and our best life is FEAR. Fear of a whole bunch of things; failure, poverty, humiliation, criticism, isolation, rejection, pain, death… and plenty more.
Anyhoo… what I want today is your take on how YOU have most effectively dealt with the stuff that scares (or scared) the crap out of you. What finally worked for you? How did you overcome that which once paralysed you? What’s your practical approach? Gimme details! Of course there is no universal, one-approach-fits-all (type) solution to the fear thing, but in my experience, real-life stories are encouraging, empowering and incredibly helpful to others who might find themselves where you once were. Or in the general vicinity. I think this concept (group teaching, exchanging ideas) is something we will wheel out on a semi-regular basis because it appears that we have a pretty large (and clever) talent pool which, given the opportunity, has some great lessons to share with the rest of us who frequent me-dot-com. While I love and appreciate my regular commentors (and I’d love your thoughts today), I encourage some of you lurkers to get a teensy-weensy bit uncomfortable, to come out of the cyber-shadows and to share a lesson and some insight with the rest of us. Go on… make your debut. I dare you.
Keep your submissions under a bazillion words, lest I smite ye with mine editorial hand. Brief stories and point-form stuff works well. Feel free to comment on other people’s comments as a little group discussion can’t hurt. Thanks in anticipation boys and girls. And yes, I’ll send a prize or three for the contributions that blow my Ugg Boots off.
There’s an unnecessary visual for you.
Okay… your thoughts on dealing with fear. Ready, set, go.
xx
* Don’t forget my new kid’s book (The Angry Ant) is out now! Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and get my FREE Ebook!
{ 62 comments… read them below or add one }
I get the feeling that a lot of situations in my life revolve around the idea that if only I wasn’t tired, afraid, depressed then I could get on and do what it is that I need to do. I think the most important thing that I’ve learnt is just to realise that the feeling will be there, it’s not going anywhere but that *I’m* not the emotion. Learning to view myself objectively in this way helps enormously.
Hi Craig, this is my first time sending you my comment.
I love your motivational site and I have learned alot from you.
I am from Minnesota and I have to say the hardest thing for me to do is be confrontational. I am 47 years old and afraid to voice my opinion and let people walk all over me just to keep the piece. My Mom raised me to be that way and I do love my Mother dearly but I have decided that I am not going to live that way and because I have been reading your website I have learned that you can’t please everyone and it’s ok if people don’t like you. So Craig I have been sharing my opinion and I have been voicing my feelings in a kind manner and you know what it feels good, it feels very good.
Okay, here’s what I think I know about fear:
Its a lonely thing in a yard full of people, and you’re the nearest, so you will do.
It’s a bully, it’s a coward, and it makes you believe you are the same. It wants you to be the same – because, like misery (its first cousin) it loves company.
It wants to be alone with you so it can control you and look down on you and make you feel small. It has no empathy, no conciounce, no sympathy for you. The more you feel sorry for yourself, the more it leeches from you. every time you creep away, it stands over your shoulder and whispers….”Ahhhh…but what if you only had the courage”….and it laughs in your face.
It becomes the only friend you have and is your worst enemy.
Here’s what I did.
I was afraid to leave the house during a short period of depression. I was afraid to admit I had depression because such a thing is scaled with thorny stigma, so I hid away, and my best friend and worst enemy constantly told me I was in the best place; away from the hustle and the grind and the sweat and the tears that existed outside my door. My friend, Fear, didn’t want any of that and neither did I.
I couldn’t stand the prospect of finding goals and achieving them, enjoying myself with all the friends that worried for me, and who my real friend couldn’t stand.
But then…after time, I decided to venture outside in the sun, and Fear did all it could to keep me indoors. It was like being possessed.
First, I got angry, then I got upset, then I made a decision.
I wasn’t going to fight it.
Anger, conflict – never won a thing that was worth winning.
I held out my hand and offered it in friendship. There was no war, no turmoil in the gunpowder smoke, just a decision to move forward and do the things that fear had, for so long, controlled for me.
He refused to accept my offer of friendship and creapt away.
I haven’t seen him since.
I choose to describe the onset of fear in an analogy simply because that is how it felt at the time; like an uninvited guest that stayed too long.
The more I tried to fight, the more it showed it’s strength.
So, my advice is: Imagine it/him/her sulking in the corner, demanding your attention and screaming at you for your reckless desire to enjoy life, then put on your coat, your hat – your umbrella if its raining – sun cream if its hot – and close the front door.
If it follows you (and it will), just let it meander behind. It will soon get bored as you get stronger, livlier, happier, bolder, FEARLESS!
One day, you’ll turn round…and it will be gone!
Sounds simple, I know. But I also know that I haven’t yet met anyone with a heart in their chest who wasn’t stronger than any fear or anxiety that haunts them.
Good luck.
Pete
Hi Craig, Love this topic! I’ve found overcoming fear is a practice. For example, I spend a lot of time in Montana, USA where there are a lot of huge rivers, mountains and ice cold mountain lakes. It may seem kooky, but the steps toward submerging myself into freezing glacial lakes are a great template for approaching a lot of what I fear. 1.) Hesitating won’t help – before you take on something you’re afraid of don’t expect that you’ll feel up to the challenge. I never feel prepared to take on the pain and shock of the icy cold water! 2.) Try to become as calm as possible while you confront what you fear. Suggest to yourself there is not another option beyond going through what you are afraid of – that is often enough to calm you down. Spinning on “how am I going to get out of doing this” creates a lot of stress. 3.) Don’t add failure to your list of fears, realize that whether you succeed of fail at what you set out to do, you will develop your “fear facing muscle.” And one day will surprise yourself with how fearless you’ve become!
p.s. I made a funny, but perhaps helpful, short video on the subject. Hope you check it out and enjoy!
http://www.paulcrik.com/ssp_director/slideshows/killinit/index.html
“I’m not the emotion”
Great insight Dave
Nice debut Sharon – thanks for saying hi, keep doing what you need to and even though some people may not like you … I do!
Enjoy your day
Wow Pete – powerful stuff. Thanks for sharing your story, I loved it.
Hi Paul
“submerging myself into freezing glacial lakes”
You know you have issues right?
That’s what I like about you
I came across a saying from Buddha recently that helped me see things from a different perspective. ” Success follows happiness, not the other way around”. I have been ‘putting off’ being happy until I was successful. Now I am happy, success has pretty much come naturally. Not sure what that has to do with fear, but it sure minimises it!
Andrea (lurker and first time poster)
P.S I have also learnt not to mistake feelings for fact. Feelings pass.
Hi everyone. Thanks for all your comments – interesting reading. I wish I was as switched on as you guys are. I dont know if I recogise fear. I think when I am cycling down hill on a windy road at 50kph that flutter is probably fear but could it be fear that constantly tells me I am fat and ugly and that if I dont please everybody all of the time then I am worthless?
Great topic and very timely. I have no great insight but am keen to learn from others.
Yesterday I had a lightbulb moment. I discovered fear is feeding me … literally. Fear has made me fat and is stopping me lose weight (I have gined since RYL!!) Fear has convinced me I need a place to hide and so I hide inside a big fat body.
Now no one can see me, feel me, touch me … hurt me. Well thats what fear has told me.
So now I am asking fear …. how come it still hurts.
Bring on your wisdom guys … I need it
Thanks in advance.
Ruth
A couple of years ago I bought a great book called “Eat That Frog” – one of the things I liked was the idea that you should eat the biggest frog first. In other words, tackle the hardest thing first, because after that, things can only improve. It also says the longer you leave the frog, the bigger it grows, even if only in your imagination. True!
I also often re-read the Desiderata (something many people think is trite, but my sister used it as her mantra as she was dying of cancer). The line I like the best is “Many fears are born of fatigue and loneliness”. It always reminds me to ask myself which one of the three am I really dealing with.
Fear? I love fear I run the fastest when confronted by fear ( and I thought I was unfit). the other day i confronted fear after hiding under my computer table and trying to be invisible. I told a friend something that had been bothering me for a long time. She didnt hate me and the earth didnt crumble under my feet and she is still my friend.
Instead of it consuming me and bubbling away i let it go,mind you, i felt the flight of a thousand butterflys but i done it.
Im not good at confrontation I hate it but when your backed in a corner sometimes u just have to come out fighting and then u find the fight wasnt a fight. I guess a well known slogan comes to mind here ” Just do it”
Will i do it again? I dont know, as standing up for yourself is a scary thing,but if you dont, who will?
Colleen,i hear you hun.
I have feelings of worthlessness and feel i have to please everyone but me. i can give love and support to others and not to the person who really counts…. me. I dont think Im “switched on” Im still finding my way in the dark,
I guess the only way we find ourselves is if we dive in the water instead of sticking our toe in.
take care
Gail
Hi Craig,
This is the first time I have responded to your blog. Altho I am always interested in what you have to say. I live in New York and we have a common friend, who showed me your web site.
Fear must be a hot topic these days.
I am fearless. without fear. its that simple and it is the truth.
Some one asked me if I was born that way. I wasn’t, but I have have had many challenges and opportunities to learn about fear.
I have met each challenge face on, to my best ability and knowledge that I had at the time. I may have not always won but with each opportunity I got better at it. I know that I am brave and self confident that there is nothing that can come my way, that I can not handle.
I also believe that there are really only 2 emotions. Love and fear.
If you examine any feeling, you will be able to reduce it to one or the other.
Without fear in my life, I live in love. We all know about the universal law of attraction, that simply put says ” like attracts like”. I keep attracting what I put into the universe. I have a pretty good thing going here. It didn’t cost me a dime
Now, I probably broke the “Keep your submissions under a bazillion words” criteria but because I’m from NY and we talk really fast, maybe you can just read it faster and the number of words wont count.
Keep up the brilliant work.
Peace.
Craig, it was the two little kisses at the bottom that finally encouraged me to stop lurking and let myself be seen (were they for me?).
For me, the first step is always acknowledging that what I am feeling is fear – fear of loss and fear of success are the two that constantly try to trick me into not moving forward. I find that my fear can mask itself as anger, irritation, lethargy, negativity – all kinds of negative emotions that distract me from what the real problem is. Once I realise it’s really fear I feel, then I can make steps to address it and get to the core of the issue.
Thanks for my kisses!
Jenna
Oh yeah, and fear of change is another big one for me. Sometimes I know that in order to move forward and get what I need, I have to go through the pain barrier of being out of my comfort zone – knowing that it will pass makes it easier but usually I just take a deep breath and ‘jump’ into the abyss of the unknown.
Hi Andrea you ex-lurker. Lurk no more!
Nice to meet you and thanks for the wisdom.
” Success follows happiness, not the other way around” – Gold.
You are worth MUCH Colleen.
Much.
x
“So now I am asking fear …. how come it still hurts?”
Because fear is the betrayer Ruthie! It doesn’t care about you but I do. As do many others. xxx
Hi Gail.
Good for you. Well done
Hi Craig,
I’m feeling a little sleep-deprived and silly this morning so your ugg boots are pretty safe. (You don’t really wear ugg boots, do you? Geez Louise we need to take you shopping …).
Anyway, I think it’s important to remember that some fears are completely useful and rational. For example, I’m extremely scared of crocodiles. My heartrate goes up if I even think about the stealthy little buggers. This is a pretty rational fear because, frankly, they eat people! Quite frequently too.
Other fears may make one more responsible. Fear of poverty, for example, might make one invest in income protection insurance. Fear of pain might make one a little more inclined to drive carefully. All good things.
Of course, when fear becomes paralysing or restricting, then it is a problem. Oscar Wilde (love him) said: “The only way to get rid of temptation is to yield to it”. A similar strategy can be used for fear. I’m not suggesting that you take a chainsaw to your leg to overcome your fear of pain, but sometimes confronting fear head-on is the best way to rob it of its power – actually finding out what is the worst that can happen.
As you may know, I hate to be the centre of attention. Last year, in order to confront this fear head-on and rip myself out of my comfort zone, I agreed to model in a fashion parade at a shopping centre (before you ask, yes, this was before I decided to share my body with an extra ten kilos) . I was so nervous that I nearly vomited into my cute little handbag but I did it! Nothing bad happened. No-one laughed. It was all good and I felt triumphant for putting myself out there.
Sometimes we have to do the things that scare us because we know it is good for us (except for crocodiles, of course).
Fran from the film Strictly Ballroom said: “A life lived in fear is a life half lived”. I always try to remember this. Sometimes we have to be a little bit brave, don’t we?
Christina xxx
Hello Diane from New York – nice to meet you. Say hi to our mutual friend for me. I read your comment – slowly. And I learned. Thanks
They were for you Jenna but don’t tell the others… they’ll get jealous and needy and we don’t want that
Thanks for saying hi
x
Hi Christina…
Fran from the film Strictly Ballroom? Exactly how old are you?
Yes I have uggs and yes, I am HOT in them.
You know it.
x
Embrace and respect your fear! It hides a wonderful array of other emotions…sadness, anger, happiness, delight, wonder and a sense of achievement.
Fear for me is whatever it is that stops me from living the life I want to live and be the person I want to be.
I wanted to go on a holiday with friends a few years ago and for various reasons they bailed. I ended up going OS alone after rationalizing that there was no good reason for me not to travel solo {apart from financial..grr don’t you hate paying the same price for a room as three people}. I could have stayed cacooned in the sanctity of the hotels I was in but didn’t.
I went out and about, met people and had a blast! It was the BEST holiday of my life, once I got over the totally irrational fear of being alone in a foreign country. I was forced to confront my other fears {going out at night solo, eating out alone, making new friends, just generally meeting new people and learning to trust yourself}. It’s amazing when you get over it all, it’s a rush!
I now travel alone a bit and people think I’m crazy…maybe I am, but I like to think I’m fearless and not having anyone to travel with isn’t going to hold me back from taking in the wonders of the world. Now…where to next trip?
Have a rockin’ day all.
Great comments, guys … and great to see some new faces … er, typing!
Pete – LOVED your analogy!
How do I deal with fear? Well, if it’s keeping me in a place that’s not good (ie. bad relationship, overweight body, etc), then I project myself into the future .. and the fear of STILL being in that place creates a greater fear than doing what I need to get out of it NOW. Or I look to the benefits that are on the OTHER side of conquering the fear. Either way, I find an emotion stronger than that particular fear .. something that will inspire me to deal with it, and possibly diminish it in the process.
Three things I always keep in mind: I have never had as much life experience or knowledge as I have right now, so everything I do, I’m doing to the best of my ability. And the confirmation that I’ve done my best is enough in terms of not judging myself or seeing that I’ve “failed” in any way. Second, most people are SO wrapped up in their own world with all of THEIR issues, that they’re not judging me anywhere NEAR as much as I imagine. That takes a lot of pressure off. And third, life shouldn’t be taken so seriously! It’s just life. If you look at it like an opportunity that you’ve been given (rather than something you just have to “get through”), don’t you just want to play around with it?? Have some fun? Try some new things? Laugh a lot?
Ruth – you have nothing to hide from. Give yourself permission to come out and play. Yep, you might get a bit dirty .. a few scratches and bruises .. maybe get scolded for staying out late .. but you’ll have SO much fun and you’ll be itching to tackle every day like it’s Christmas morning. You deserve to let yourself out .. and the people that love you for those bits of yourself that you’ve shown them – they deserve to see all of you too. As Gail said .. “just do it”. We’re waiting in the playground for you. xx
Suz (Sydney)
I was once read this quote by Marianne Williamson, and I read this everyday.
“Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure. It is our light, not our darkness that most frightens us. We ask ourselves, Who am I to be brilliant, gorgeous, talented, fabulous? Actually, who are you not to be? You are a child of God. Your playing small does not serve the world. There is nothing enlightened about shrinking so that other people won’t feel insecure around you. We are all meant to shine, as children do. We were born to make manifest the glory of God that is within us. It’s not just in some of us; it’s in everyone. And as we let our own light shine, we unconsciously give other people permission to do the same. As we are liberated from our own fear, our presence automatically liberates others.”
It lifts me up and reminds me everyday that I am already everything I need to be. After hearing this I was enlightened. I’ve only been feared one thing my whole life and its success. I’ve over come that fear and have achieved things well beyond my own expectations. I make commitments to myself to chase things till I succeed, nothing it to hard. The world is your oyster. Take it, love it and be brilliant. Because I am!
When we feel fear, generally our immediate reaction is to get rid of it or reduce the fear. Here’s a radical idea.
How about not trying to get rid of the fear or not trying to reduce the fear (eg by self medicating with food, alcohol etc or by procrastinating and not taking any steps towards what you fear).
How about changing our attitude from fear meaning “don’t” to fear meaning “all systems go.” The fear we have been using as a reason not to do things is really part of the energy to get things done. I will explain………..
When we feel fear, our body releases adrenaline, glucose and other energy producing chemicals into the blood stream. You are given a boost of physical energy, and this energy can also support our thought and actions. In a new situation we want all the information we can get. This is when sharpened senses, sensitivity, and heightened awareness associated with fear are useful. Fear helps to keep us focussed
Another aspect of fear is letting go of irrelevancies, fear has a way of ensuring you are focused on what is important. For example if I am at the beach swimming for the first time this summer in my new bikini and I see what appears to be a shark fin coming towards me in the water I am hardly going to be worrying about whether or not my bum looks big in my new bikini. I will however be rather keen on moving to shallower water -pronto (perhaps even establishing a new world record for the 20 metre freestyle).
When in a new situation, we want to focus on what is in front of us, what’s central and what is significant. You want clarity of mind about what is important and fear can help you do that.
Can you see that by trying to get rid of fear, you are also saying I want to get rid of some energy. Why would you want to throw away something that you need? It doesn’t make much sense does it?
Leanne Magraith
(Adelaide, Australia)
Hi Craig
Like Sharon, this is my first time commenting on your site which I have found to be fantastic and timely. I’m 42, never been married and don’t have kids (not by choice, more just not meeting the right person). My fear is growing old alone and have been confronting this head-on by undergoing CBT (Cognitive Behaviour Therapy) in an effort to change my underlying beliefs and traditions sourced from childhood. As a kid, society dictated that when we grow up, we SHOULD marry and have kids so when it doesn’t happen, it scares the hell out of you and people think you are either selfish or they feel sorry for you. All of a sudden, I started questioning what my purpose in life was. I have found that acceptance and rewriting my life recipe has really helped. It’s a work in progress that will last my lifetime but rather than pining for what I don’t have, I am grateful for what I do have and now turn inwards, rather than outwards, to find real happiness. The biggest risk in life is to not take a risk.
Sorry I missed your last coffee catch up in Oakleigh (just down the road from me). Look forward to the next one!
Another stalker, I mean lurker here.
I grew up with a bunch of fears and as I hit my adult life I just kept adding to them. It was only when I realised that fear was a choice that I started to truly live my life. I’m not saying that I am fear-free, but I am a work in progress. Yes, I have a lot more uncomfortable times but I also have a lot more achievements/ good times/ learnings/ fun with life.
Thanks for your website Craig and for the encouragement to get off my butt and live life rather than let it just pass me by. Have a great day!
Hi Craig,
I associate more pain with not doing something than a possible negative outcome. I often say I never want to be at the end of my life saying “I should have” or “I could have”.
Also have to say how much I enjoy and think about your messages.
Kind regards,
Mark
Hello Craig,
Firstly can I say thank you for your newsletters they are wonderful and I encourage you to keep up the great work.
My dealing with fear is first to realize that fear itself is a “fabricated emotional automatic response” created by ourselves. It isn’t something that we can go out and catch. We do feel it in our body though and it can be a fuzzy, jittery and awkward feeling. The first thing I notice is that feeling and then to become aware of where it is in the body also helps to study what is going on. My dealings with fear are getting in touch with the emotion of the feeling. I am working with people who experience fears and have found that looking at the emotion and getting in touch with the feelings and their meaning is the key to unlocking the things that keep us from going forward. The fear can be related to a childhood experience and going back to study what is the attached “meaning” to the fear gives me answers on why we have created this fear. E.g. I believed that I was a poor reader due to the fact that a teacher told me when young that I needed to get better at reading so she picked on me to read out loud to the class often. The fear I created in reading out loud was born out of this experience. I have since learnt that this belief system can be changed and because I related it back to the teacher at school, I let go of this and practiced reading out loud to gain the confidence and determination to be a good reader. The “meaning” to this experience was the key to letting go of this created fear!
I have found on some level that fear is due to lack of self worth – a doubt in our own ability and we use fear as a safety mechanism or an exit clause to move away from whatever it is we are having trouble facing. I have learnt a wonderful technique and am using this on myself and people who come to me as a therapist, hypnotherapist and NLP Therapist. It is called EFT.
Using EFT (emotional freedom technique) which is a tapping procedure on the energy meridians of the body something like accupuncture without the needles is great for letting go of the “emotion” around the fear. It takes away the emotional attachment and lets the person release this out of the body. I am having great success with this and use this regularly as well as teach this to people who come to me for help.
I had a fear of snakes until recently where my mother had always spoken about her fear and as a child this fear was passed onto me. I had got to the point where I couldn’t even watch them on TV without feeling queazy and needed to look away. By using EFT, within minutes my fear had gone from a 10 out of 10 to a 0 and I no longer have that fear. Whilst I’m not ready to be a snake’s best friend, I certainly have lost the “fear” attached to them and have realized that this “fear” will not return unless I choose to create it!
I learnt from this experience that my fear was learnt as a child and in fact I had never been up close and personal with a snake. Having done a lot of personal development on myself over the years – I have also learnt from going over my past lives that I had in fact died from a snake bite as a young boy running through the fields flying a kite and accidently tread on a snake. I guess that is part of the fear coming through this life time and I do believe in facing that fear now is part of my present day lessons and learnings.
This has been my experience and I thank you for the opportunity to share it with you. EFT is a great tool and works easily and within a very short period of time – if any of your (Sydney) readers are interested in learning about EFT they can contact me via email.
Regards Cheryl
Fear for me, is not doing things right, or perfectly, or in a way that won’t disappoint people. But in trying not to disappoint others, all I’ve managed to do is disappoint myself!
I’ve stayed in relationships for too long because I’ve been fearful of rejecting someone, and the pain that would cause them. I’ve stayed in horrible jobs for too long because I’ve been too fearful to quit, disappoint the boss and stay true to myself (who am I to decide my future anyway?!). And I’ve always been just a little overweight because I am too fearful of disappointing friends and family by saying, no, I won’t drink three bottles of wine with you, or I won’t share that dessert plate with you. Instead, I’ll do whatever you want to do so that you’ll be happy and love me more.
In the last 12 months, I’ve faced fear head on, but it hasn’t been easy! I quit my horrible job in media, and started up my own business (7 months in and I’m still afloat!), I dumped my horrible boyfriend who really, actually made me believe that I was worth nothing (aaahhhh, hindsight, ain’t it wonderful?!), and now I’m working hard to start saying no to things that actually make me feel like crap….. I haven’t mastered it yet, but if I don’t look after this body, who will?!
Carly (avid blog-follower, but first time commenter!)
Wow Pete your post was fantastic and you described what it is like to have fear so well. For me I had anxiety/panic attacks and how you described how to deal with it is just spot on. It is like that saying ‘Feel the fear and do it anyway’
You need to accept and acknowledge what you are going through first to be able to deal with it. Denial only makes it worse. My anxiety was based on my lack of selfworth becoz of my absent father who left when I was 8 and whose only contact with me was a birthday card in the mail. After turning myself inside and out with that constant anxiety, blaming myself, at the age of 35 I finally dealt with it head on and wrote him a letter asking if I had done something wrong. I got a very cryptic letter back which I still don’t understand but finally I realized he is the problem not me. I knew then that I would never get the validation I needed from him and had to give it to myself as he was incapable. I can now honestly say it is his loss although I never believed it at first.
Always take the time to listen to your thoughts and feelings and work out why you feel the way you do and never ever give up on finding what you need in life.
Jac
Hi everyone,
Great comments this morning. It’s lovely to hear from some newbies. I’ve really enjoyed reading your thoughts as I procrastinate getting on with my ‘real’ work.
Ruth. I wish I could give you a big hug right now. Perhaps you need to de-emotionalise the whole weight-loss process? Lock all the issues, feelings and thoughts away in a cupboard to be dealt with later. Then you can view your journey as a simple equation of energy in and energy out – consciously choose to see it this way and it will be this way.
I’ve begun to realise that I don’t have a weight problem, I have an eating problem. Focusing on the weight rather than the eating is like telling an alcoholic that they need to fix their blood alcohol percentage rather than their drinking.
Fix the eating and the weight will take care of itself. The only thing that works for me is keeping a food diary – boring but true. You don’t necessarily have to analyse the macro nutrients and calories of every gram – it’s just a record of the approximate quantities to keep you honest. Perhaps you could give it a go for a week? You have all the tools and support you need, you just need to love and respect yourself enough to use them.
Mr Harper,
You know exactly how old I am – younger than you!
In 2001 I taught Strictly Ballroom as a ‘film text’ to a classroom of Year 12 boys – talk about having to overcome fear! They thought that the line ‘show me your pasodoble’ meant something completely different …
As for being hot in ugg boots? Hold me back. No. Really. Please hold me back.
Christina xxx
Ok, this is my first time to please be gentle
I live by the rule “Feel the fear and do it anyway”. There are some days that I triumph and there are days when I really don’t want to get uncomfortable enough to breakthough. Generally those days I am left with the old “What if . . .” questions, I hate that.
I also think that fear is something that helps keeps you honest. For example, I am a group fitness instructor and before every class I have that sick fear of “am I going to be good enough” it is that fear that keeps me wanting to be better. The day that I don’t have fear is the day I need to ask myself ‘What am I doing wrong?’ or “How can I do this better?”
Ok . . . I fear down . . .next!
Ciao xx
I used to be a classic live-in-fear-make-zero-decisions kinda person. I am ashamed to say it took the near death experience and losing everything I had on Feb 7 to make me face reality. And whilst I didn’t exactly change overnight (I still have my scaredy cat moments) I now embrace the good, the bad, and the ugly of every day cause I know Im damn lucky to be here to experience it at all. Bottom line. The stuff – the trappings – the complications – mean jack sh*%t. All I can say is don’t wait until your own near death – no good realising in the last few seconds of your life what is really important. What a waste that would be.
A few weeks back I had the realization that I was gob-smackingly, wee-in-your pants terrified of being assertive. Now for many of you confident, together, high self-valuing souls out there this probably isn’t a big deal. But for me, having spent 43 years being hurled between the paws of Mr Aggressive and the clutch of Ms Passivity, this was one huge epiphany.
As life lessons often do, the realization of my fear came about in the simplest merest manner: an email from a work colleague who, in response to a request for information, gave a litany of excuses for not being able to help. My aha moment came when I realized that as an adult, as a professional, and as a two-time tertiary educated woman I was actually afraid to say, ‘No, that is not acceptable’.
Oh I came up with a trillion angry retorts (which I couldn’t possibly print here). Along with a gazillion emails padded to the hilt with words like ‘please … perhaps … maybe … perchance … if you don’t mind …’. One version of my response email (thank God I didn’t press send) even suggested that if my colleague could maybe perchance possibly please find me just five minutes I would even type the information up for her. Why? Because that’s the type of person I was — a human doormat for people to wipe their feet upon.
The problem I realized, in amongst my tears and shame, was the fear of not being good enough (self worth, whom am I to ask someone else to give me information), and the fear of not being liked (if they have to stop what they’re doing to help me they will resent the intrusion and I am the intrusion). The result, I discovered, was that in the office I constantly behaved like a wimp and on the home-front I behaved like the Queen of rage.
Some weeks down the track and the good news is I’m not ashamed of this anymore. Instead I simply feel compassion toward the little girl who was never loved or made feel she was perfectly okay, and consequently never developed the healthy self-esteem which is every individual soul’s right.
My self-pact now is no more padded emails and no more rage with hubby. After so many years it’s a huge challenge to boldly ask for my rights to be respected, to earnestly say ‘no’ without padding and sometimes without explanation.
As far as assertiveness goes mine is far from perfected. There’s this really ancient part of me that still thrills at the opportunity for fight or flight. The good thing is my rational self can now overrule the emotional because I know experientially that fight or flight are both no win situations: my needs don’t get met, and the other person either gets offside (and never helps again) or walks away unchallenged (and will continue to cross boundaries or treat you like a doormat).
I believe that the thing about fear is that it is always about something other than its initial apparition. If you are prepared to dig a little deeper, to feel and sit with the pain and shame, it will generally reveal its true form. And when we honestly and courageously address this we are liberated from those psychological pillars of our being called defence mechanisms.
Wow .. some of these comments could have come straight from my mouth (fingers) too! A lot of us seem to face the same challenges, don’t we??
Carly – awesome comment! Sounds like you’re doing great. Keep it up .. and keep the comments coming!
MysteryTeacher – wow. Could I ever relate to your comment! Is an issue that I still struggle with, even though I’ve forced myself to address it head-on a few times now. But I received some good advice the other day … take the emotion out of it. Just say what needs to be said and that’s it. Sounds simple, I know .. but in some way it removes the big wind that I create around all the feelings of having to do something confrontational. The other thing I keep in mind is that we all have our own lessons to learn in life and that I have NO RIGHT to try to shield someone from learning theirs. So give them the hard stuff (or truth) when warranted. It’s a gift, as it’s necessary for their development.
Funny add to mine Craig. Last year after speaking at my Mum’s funeral my Dad gave me the biggest hug and said to me ‘I have never been more proud of you in my life’. The funny thing was I had waited a lifetime to hear something like that from him but all I could hear was the voice in my head saying to me ‘see you are strong. You can do anything’. I felt 10ft tall. I hadn’t needed his validation at all, all I needed was my own.
Jac
So you’re getting us to do your work for you now?
Ok time to open up then. I have three main fears: fear of physical pain, fear of failure and fear of humiliation.
I’ve realised that fear is only created by what thoughts lie in your head. And that past experiences can play a big part in how fearful you can become and what you think you’re capable of.
Here’s a brief real-life example of each of my fears and how I deal with them. Some of which I’ve never admitted to anyone – but I am feeling the fear and doing it anyway this morning! (haha).
*Physical pain. Being wheeled into have my second c-section, to be cut vertically (not the typical way), right through my abdominal wall. Know it hurts, had it done that way the first time. Risks involved in the birth too, thus adding to general level of fear. Negative ‘fear’ thoughts start taking over. Replace these thoughts with people in serious car accidents, soliders in war who have been injured with no medical treatment available; who have been operated on with no anaethestic. Ie. my mantra is – People have done it worse. So let’s get on with it. (Successful birth by the way & 3 months later I am doing planks! – the wonders of the human body.)
*Failure. Back to 1993 and year 12 exams. Dad says, “if you get an overall mark of 100 I’ll buy you a sports car”. (and if you get anything less than 100, don’t bother showing me your results). So what did I do? Procrastinated study, right up until the last week before my exams. Night before my first exam I had an anxiety attack (scary at the time, not knowing what was wrong with me – and it’s the only time I’ve had one in my life). Of course, I didn’t get 100. I got 51.30. The fear I felt facing my father was immeasurable. He taught me that nothing less than perfect was good enough. It’s taken a while but now I realise that’s bullshit. When I think I’m going to fail at something, I now think “just put your best effort in, that’s all you can do.” And if I do give it my all, I get damn good results. (Oh and I also learnt that for my own kids, unconditional love goes a long way).
Humiliation. Circa 1996. First ‘serious’ boyfriend. Dressed to the nines and at a party at his house. Some of his relatives start looking at me and talking in their native language (not English). I thought they must be talking about me being ‘the girlfriend’, and felt kind of special. Next night, my boyfriend said they were actually talking about how I had a big bum & could do with losing some weight. It stung – lots – and also hit home though, eventually. Now to minimise the fear of humiliation, I deliberately put myself in ‘potentially humiliating’ positions when the opportunity arises (public speaking, volunteering to lead a group, or trying a new sport as examples). I often find the situation goes well and I am praised, not humiliated. (For the record, the boyfriend was ditched soon after, I lost the big bum and the relatives talking about me? They had fat arses. Funny that).
Cheers, Alison
Jac great comment, like you I spend most of my life striving for “acceptance” by my father. All I thought I need to hear was him telling me he was proud of me.
And like I said I now know all I need is myself, because I am everything I will ever need to be.
WOW! You guys are prolific!!!
I was trying to do the individual response thing today but I’m running out of time.. so I just wanted to say thanks to all of you for your fantastic “downloads”. Keep ‘em coming.
And to Allison, Heidi, Suza, Alita, Leanne, Mark, Cheryl, Jac, Hellen and first timers (newbies) Sue, Cass, Carly, Louise and Mystery Teacher… thanks for sharing
x
Wowsie, wow! Love the comments and the teaching today!
Pete, I think you nailed it with your analogy – loved it, very practical and useful. And although I’m not one for jumping into icey cold mountain lakes, I loved your points, Paul. Inspirational.
My points – only to say that what I’ve learnt is that love, encouragement and positive people are the antidotes to fear.
When I think of fear I think not so much in terms of overcoming it, but more in terms of quietening it’s voice. Fears are often born out of having been exposed to criticism and/or discouragment from people who sometimes have their own insecurities to face and are looking for company.
My advice – don’t listen. Run your own race. Share your fears with people who you trust and who you know have your best interests in mind. Their love and encouragement will quieten your fears.
That’s all from moi, except to also add a hi to all the lovely lurkers and to everyone – good to read your comments.
Mon (( ))
Oh, Craig …. COME ON!!!! One little piss-ant kiss to share between 14 of us??? Puh-leeeeeaaaazzzzze!! Put the golf club down and give us at least one each. Ugg boot boy.
Hi from another lurker! I just attended a workshop on the weekend that demonstrated how fear is located in the unconscious. We each have the power to focus on different aspects of consciousness. We can shift our focus (power) to choose our reality. We can either remain as a victim of our unconscious, wallow in the drama and never get anywhere, or we can focus on a higher level of what we want, make choices, take action and live with the flow not the force.
I’m afraid of Stephen because I don’t want to lose his friendship, yet I cannot hear my inner voice I listen to others. My voice says, let him and the situation be as it as the moment, but don’t turn away from him. I’m always listening to others, and I feel that others have interefered and put up distortions of the truth or their truth and we both listened and in the end we faught and hide behind emails in a passive agressive way.
My point in typing this situation up is this – he’s taught me a lot of lessons but it came to the surface my fear of rejection and abandonment. As Alison says;
And that past experiences can play a big part in how fearful you can become and what you think you’re capable of.
That’s what I did and that’s what I learnt: bring past failures to something knew, be it a relationship, learning a skill, writing a paper and having it rejected etc as examples, make one weary to try again. Yet, doing it again, while accepting it may fail again, is the thing to do. I hope that makes sense it’s like I am scared of flying but a year ago, got on the plane and it was a success – the plane could have crashed but bottom line is, it didn’t and I got to Sydney safe. My point is, pick self up and try again sounds cliched but it does work!
How about a fear of expressing myself?
How about a fear of public speaking?
How about a fear of being judged?
How about a fear of paralysis?
How about a fear of not fitting in?
How about a fear of not feeling safe?
How about a fear of being used and abused?
How about a fear of not being pleasing?
How about a fear of not looking good physically?
How about a fear of losing youthful exuberance?
How about a fear of being seen in ugh boots?
How about a fear of reptiles?
Add your fears, they are woven into every fabric of our collective and singular being.
Is there a place where there is no fear? I will only presume Yes!
I have not been to that place that I know of ( it has to be deep deep within), but I will presume fear is tied to my physical existence and consciousness as a necessary part for continuing survival.
I have a body with skin to protect it, I have consciousness with fear to protect it.
I can add chain mail to add protection to my body (now that’s a way to drop kilos), and my fear may well have attached some chain mail to my emotions, due to the unscrupulous power players who have laid on their crap, to mold me into the ways of their world.
So I do need to fear, it is an integral part of my continuing presence. Fear does the best to warn and shield me from physical harm. But it does crossover into areas where it does more harm than good, such as my perception and belief, and how they guide me to act and or react.
If, for example, as a toddler, I am mauled by a Chihuahua, the fear generated from that attack may develop into a perception that all dogs are dangerous, and that all encounters should be vigorously avoided. Understandable! But a false perception associated with fear has a cost. It is the lock down of my being, an inability to act with purpose and dignity, as I fail to perceive the difference between real and unreal threat. Change becomes stifled by fear.
The physiological and psychological response generated by fear will manifest, regardless if the threat has been misconstrued by my emotion and belief from past experience.
So the unnecessary chain mail of my mind, how do I throw it off?
There is only one way….traverse to the altar of belief within and alter it!
I must recognise I am in fear, for I may not be aware that I am.
I feel fear, so I must question the fear.
What is this fear doing to me?
Why do I have that fear?
Where did that fear originate?
Do I need that fear to protect me physically?
Will my living be self-assured without the fear?
How do I alter belief associated with that fear?
Can I retain energy of a part of a fear, but denergise another part of it?
Is the best way to confront the fear with discipline, until the belief associated with the fear dissipates?
Do I need to develop some belief which will displace/replace the erratic and destructive energy of the old, with a sense of calm response when I am confronted with similar circumstance?
If I have no clue as what belief is the driver of my fear, do I need to access my subconscious somehow to defuse the power of belief that is hidden away in there somewhere?
As I alter one part of my being, it is incredible how a series of dominoes fall to alter my response on many other levels, without an effort on my part. All of a sudden, what may have been a challenge with high failure rates, no longer is.
A question carries powerful energy, as it rushes to fill the vacuum created by it, with answers.
Am I fearful of asking, living in fear of being described in unflattering terminology for a ‘dumb’ question?
That is a good place to start, by dealing with the fear of asking or questioning!
Create a vacuum and answers will appear miraculously.
They come in their own time, in their own way, but come they will.
So I wait with patience and grace for their arrival, but I do continue to question and question in the mean time!
“There is nothing to fear but fear itself.” – F.D. Roosevelt
There is nothing for fear to fear, except for a question asking why it exists!
If I be game enough to ask!
Hi
Sigh – I love being a lurker but felt compelled to post this time. Leanne and Mystery Teacher – awesome posts, so accurate and compassionate. And Christina you are hilarious, love that bit about the pasadoble
Yesterday my dad just found cancer in his prostate so I’ve been feeling really scared. I’m just hanging out with family staying focused. Here’s my two cents.
I’ve been taught that fear is false evidence appearing real (not f*** everything and run, as your body would like to believe). The simplest, kindest way to deal with it is direct experience. Next time you feel fear, let it have you – give it as much energy as it needs without letting your mind jump in. Just like a craving for Tim Tams or coffee, it too will pass. You may experience feelings underneath like sadness – that’s cool, just stay with them and keep going deeper until you feel silence.
EFT is also brilliant as mentioned above. And when your mind just keeps pumping out drama, The Work of Byron Katie is beautiful. It’s about looking at each belief you have and asking if it’s really true? Is life too hard? Can you absolutely know that’s true?
They say attention breeds connection – when you are in your body you feel supported (why not? There’s air to breathe, ground to stop you falling, a chair to put your bum on). It’s only when we mind-travel forwards or backwards that we feel alone.
You’re either attaching to emotions or inquiring into them. It’s the difference between running headlong into a wave with a toothbrush or surfing it. One leaves you feeling half-drowned (and silly), the other feels like you’re in tune with something bigger. You don’t have to ‘let go’ of fear, the fear lets go of you as you move through it.
Sending good vibes to you all. Cheers.
Hi all. I used to have fear. Fear of being raped (again), fear of marrying a wife-beater (again), fear of being slim lest the above happend again.
Now? I refuse to let other things/people take my power from me. I faced the fears with the thought of forgiving those people and myself for them being who they are and me for being a coward hiding away. I lost 50.8kg when those fears left me! I turned the things that happened in my past into an opportunity where I could help others lose weight and started my own website. I’m proud to say that I face nearly everything in my life with positiveness to the point of hubby calling me ‘weirdo’ LOL
At the moment he’s recuperating from a big MVA and was told only yesterday that his leg will never bend again. At this time I’m only 3 weeks and 6 days away from having a hip replacement. He became afraid of the future. I became excited.
So I told him that this means a new start! New ideas to kick around! Afraid of the future? Bah humbug! Bring it on I say!!
Short and sweet (like me LOL).
Suu xxoo
And hi to Mon, Michael, Littlejohn and nig hello to ex-lurkers Ross and Sarah! Thanks for sharing guys..
And Suz… my kisses are bottom-less – like the coffee from certain restaurants.. you can keep topping up
One day I learnt that fear or any emotion was accompanied by a habitual way of being and a combination of making sound, breath. and movement …or lack of sound , breath or movement. My habit of fear was embodied in a particular way and I only had to change one thing to begin changing that habit. For example…if my habit was to hold my breath when I was afraid, I would breathe . If my habit was to talk too much, I could concentrate on listening. If my habit was to run away i could stand my ground.The beauty of this realization was that I only had to change one thing and everything changed.
Over the years fear fell away as I practiced getting comfortable and releasing tension from my body. As the body relaxed the mind learned to follow. regards Fiona
Fear is lack of trust.
I used to be scared of driving on dirt roads…really, really scared…..a bunch of us went stormchasing (yep that’s me Dorothy!!) in northern NSW a few years ago – 14 cars altogether and lo and behold, there was a dirt road between us and the storm…so off everyone goes, excited chattering over the CB radios we all carried…..I had a choice to make….either I went with them or I traipsed around the long way and hoped I’d find them somewhere further north…….driving an older Commodore (they didn’t have any traction on dirt roads over about 20kmh) didn’t help my confidence……but I gritted my teeth, turned the video onto record – it was on a tripod fixed to the passenger seat to video storms out the front window) – let out a banshee howl and took off after them..thinking that if I lost control or I rolled at least there would be a record of it….I shouted and howled and roared all the way down that road eating everyone else’s dust, survived the experience and got some great pictures of the storm, I finally lost my fear of driving on dirt roads because I’d faced my fear…and done it anyway – and had some incredibly funny video of a 45 year old woman screaming at the top of her lungs in terror while hurtling down a dirt road……
Im still lurking……..um wait now im not……
Dear Craig, up until about a month ago, when asked that question “what are you most afraid of?” I couldn’t have given an honest answer. I really didn’t know. I might have said “big spiders” and left it at that (because who isn’t scared of big spiders?)
Then I got thrown out of a group that was very important to me. I am still friends with most of the members of the group, but I’m not allowed to play the games any more. The shock of this reminded me of how I’d got sacked from a job that had been my life, (back in the early 80s) and how I still (nearly 30 years later) have dreams where my boss tells me it was all a mistake and I can come back now.
The trauma and pain of being told to f- off out of this group was terrible, but I at least learned something new about myself: that my biggest fear is rejection. I finally understand why “banishment” was such a potent punishment.
I don’t know how I’m going to deal with this fear. At the moment I still feel that I am in free-fall, though I’m not bursting into tears at the drop of a hat, like I was when this all first happened. I have tried hiding from this in BLAMs (Big, Loud, Action Movies) and by watching comedy on TV and by going to the gym and by eating ice-cream and by playing stupid games on the internet. Of course none of these things have worked.
I am still in the process of healing, but the main thing I have learned is that bad feelings are just the same as good feelings. They overwhelm you while they are happening, but you can’t keep them. They fade away. Wattle’s in bloom and the daffodils are opening and life goes on and I have to just go on too.
Thanks for listening.
Hi Craig,
I find that my biggest fear is not being in control. I would say that being a control freak is my biggest character flaw. Some would say big deal! but since having 2 children I am even more of a control freak. I constantly worry about the way they look (not going out of the house looking feral) what they are eating (I hope they don’t grow up and having food issues and blame me for it) I worry that they don’t brush their teeth enough (they’ll have false teeth because of me) I worry whether they will have a good education and go on to university and have a geat job. I worry whether 2 hours of kids tv is doing damage to them. etc etc
As I am typing this….it even seems ridiculous to me, but I am trying to be less in control and let things go.
I guess my question would be….do all parents suffer from this or am I a complete fruitcake?
feathers,
You might want to try working through the exercises in the Grief & Loss Recovery Handbook. That should get you to exhale and release it all.
I’m still working on dealing with fear. I think most of my fear is around playing big and not playing small. I’ve variously used Zen beginner’s mind, visualizing, prayer, and positive self-talk. All of them help me.
I know that whenever you give into your fear, you feed it. That is why, this year, at age 41 & 3/4, I’m finishing my first degree, I have a learner’s drivers license for the first time in 22 years, and I met up with a bunch of people from the internet last weekend. I’m tired of fear stealing my life. I’m taking it back. I feel 10 feet tall (some of the time) and having more fun than ever before.
Life’s too short to sit home stewing.
Hey, who got the prize or three??!
I resent my older sister an brother who came at end, of my younger sister who died 7-26-09. They came an became greedy an tried to take over my sisters affairs. Now I refuse even talk to them an have changed phone #. I lived with an near my younger sister since 1980. The other two had no right to come at the end of her life. I wanted for it be special if you can call it that when your best friend has died with so much chaos around. I was left out an now I am angry to point I never want to see my family again after all that was conspired. I was her bested friend as she was mine since we were little girls. I trusted no one on this earth as I did with her an she felt the same way. I guess you can say I am still grieving for her.
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