A Quick Survey
Before we get under way with today’s briefer-than-normal chat, I want to conduct a little research on the run. Put up your hand if happiness is one of your aims in life. And no, participation is not optional at me-dot-com today. Yep, even you Scaredy Cats. Okay, keep ‘em up so I can count… 1001, 1002, 1003… yep; that’s all of you. Guessed as much. So it seems that despite the fact that we’re all different people, in different situations, inhabiting different parts of the globe… we have one common goal; happiness.
Who’da thought?
But do we Need a Happiness Plan?
We create plans to build wealth. And plans to lose weight. Plans for our dream home. Future plans. Travel plans. We plan the academic path that will lead to our ideal career. Or so we think. We plan our wedding (well, some do). Our marriage. Our family (2.3 kids and a Golden Retriever). It seems we have a plan for pretty much anything that’s remotely important in our lives, so why wouldn’t we have a plan for the thing which drives us all; a desire to be happy? Perhaps we think we’ll find it in all our other plans? That is, happiness will be the net result of all the other.. stuff.
Blaah Central
So if happiness is such a universal pursuit, why does it prove to be so elusive to so many? Dare I say, the majority? Perhaps not in your (personal) world, but step back a little and take a peek beyond your fence. Take a look around. And not a cursory glance, a proper look. Examine the faces, the body language, the posture. Listen to the conversations, the words, the tone. So much of it reeks of… blaah. So much of it seems to be devoid of happiness.
Why the Long Face?
Walk around your city and look people in the eye (don’t get beaten up in the process) and what do you see most? Fear? Uncertainty? Stress? Self-doubt? Frustration? Apathy? If you had to label it, what would you say the dominant emotion is these days? Would it be closer to the positive or negative end of the emotional scale? To be honest, I’m not seeing a whole lot of joy out there lately. Why all the long faces? Why all the busy therapists? Why all the affairs? And body-modifying surgery? And substance abuse? And other addictions? And why all the accumulation of stuff we don’t need with money we don’t have?
Could it be that when it comes to the universal goal, we’re missing something crucial? Something massive perhaps? Like the whole point? Could it be we’re looking where happiness ain’t? Perhaps we’re chasing the wrong things? Perhaps we shouldn’t chase at all?
“Could it be that happiness is not to be found in the chasing but rather, in the choosing?”
The Accumulation Lie
Maybe happiness doesn’t live in places or things? Maybe our happiness methodology and mentality is all wrong? Could it be that we don’t really understand it? Or maybe we don’t recognise it because we’re not sure what it looks like. Perhaps we already have it and don’t know? Perhaps we unknowingly and unintentionally make happiness an impossibility? Perhaps that’s it over there; hiding behind our insecurity, fear and self-doubt? Maybe it’s in the second drawer underneath all our issues? Perhaps it’s obscured by the crap. The cerebral crap. The emotional crap. The human crap. The crap we hold on to. The crap we believe. Perhaps we don’t see it because, like the masses, we have somehow bought into the lie of the ego; the accumulation lie. The when we get enough stuff we’ll be happy paradigm. You know the one. And if we’re not happy, it’s obviously because we need more stuff. Or new stuff. Or different stuff. Or best of all; stuff nobody else has.
Bingo.
Perhaps happiness is not to be found in the chasing, the acquiring, the accumulating or even the planning; perhaps we’ll find it in the letting go. That’s where I find it. 
Love to hear your thoughts on happiness. It’s such a universally relevant issue; it might make for some interesting group discussion. Feel free to be as deep, philosophical and/or spiritual as you like. What has your journey taught you? What do you have to teach the rest of us? Could we (the collective mindset) possibly have it wrong? Has your thinking (about happiness) changed over time? If so, how? What have you had to un-learn along the way? Can happiness be a permanent state or will it always be transient? Is happiness a matter of perspective? Is it different things for different people? Is happiness.. joy? Is it contentment? Is it the absence of fear? Or perhaps the absence of pain? What do you think?
As always, we’re not about “right or wrong” here at me-dot-com, we’re all about the respectful sharing of ideas, lessons and experiences. And yes, we’d love to hear from you Newbies and Lurkers too. We don’t bite 
.
xx
Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and my FREE Ebook!
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 2 trackbacks }
{ 44 comments… read them below or add one }
I am already happy!
I’ve thought about happiness long and hard… It’s impossible to study scientifically, because it is such a subjective… err… subject. It is fleeting, coming and going in a moment, often without rational explanation as to why we were happy in the first place, or why we’re not happy now. It’s even very hard to define… what, exactly, is happiness? (And no, you can’t use the word happy in the definition of happiness. That would be like describing salt as salty.)
I actually found that happiness can be split into two parts… there is physical happiness, and emotional happiness. Physical happiness comes when our bodies are pumped full of endorphins, such as when we’re playing, when we’ve exercised, when we’re well fed, or when we’re with someone we’re sexually attracted to. I call this type of happiness “pleasure,” just to separate it out as a distinct flavor of happiness… though the label really doesn’t matter that much.
The other type of happiness is what I call joy… it comes entirely from within your mind, and while recognizing joy releases endorphins, it isn’t the endorphins that cause this type of happiness.
It is easy to find pleasure… just get some chocolate, run a mile, buy a new car or new shoes, or buy a new anything, really… Shopping releases endorphins just as effectively as cheesecake or watching a mindlessly funny show on television.
The problem with pleasure, though, is that it is the chemicals causing the happiness… and as any drug addict will tell you, the body always wants more and more chemicals… so a small slice of cheesecake might be wonderful today, but in a year, if you’re only seeking pleasure, it will take a whole cheesecake wheel to feel as good. Adrenaline junkies always have to push themselves into more and more dangerous situations, for smaller and smaller rushes… The more we seek pleasure, the more our bodies become used to the endorphins, and the harder it is to find pleasure.
Now joy, on the other hand, is more of a cognitive happiness. It is very hard to become joyful, the first time we seek it, but as time goes on, it becomes easier and easier… almost, but not quite, entirely unlike pleasure. Joy never comes from outside… it never comes from the body or from experiences; joy is always in our own minds. It comes from realizing your intrinsic self worth as a conscious being… so we could be homeless, jobless, friendless, and still able to find joy. Honestly, though, that’s not very likely.
It’s true that money can’t buy happiness… but most of us can’t survive without money, and it’s pretty hard to be happy if we don’t usually have a roof over our heads while we’re sleeping… so I’m going to say that in order to *start* being happy, we need enough money to survive. That means, for me at least, enough for rent and utilities, enough for food, and enough for fuel for my car so that I can go out and get more money. About $1,600 (us) per month. Any less than that, and I’m too worried about my next meal to find joy.
So, with my basic needs met, I can find joy… but it is easier to find joy if my environment is clean… far, far easier. Doing dishes and laundry is a must.
After cleaning, it also becomes far easier to find joy if I have accomplished something long term… so find some projects to pursue.
It’s also much easier to find joy if I have had a healthy dose of pleasurable experiences… and I do mean *healthy*… as in, in moderate, manageable amounts. If I find myself feeling empty after having sought a pleasurable experience, or I’m obsessing over something, it is no longer healthy, and it’s time to do something else. (For example, I no longer drink alcohol… I was far too unhealthy with it. No, I’m not an alcoholic, I don’t obsess about it now, but I went from 7+ drinks a night, almost every night for 5 years, to being sober for 6 years now, and I don’t miss it.)
Then… once I have enough money to survive, a clean environment, a good project, and healthy pleasures, the last step for me is to sit back and look around… Take an honest look at myself, my life… and I’m happy. The happiness comes from within, not outside of myself, and it is a choice to be happy.
I have plenty that I could be angry about, or depressed about, or afraid of… but in the end, I choose to set up my environment in a healthy way, I choose to laugh at my worn out hip, even when I’m in pain. I choose to answer the phone, or call complete strangers (my personal phobia), and I have thoroughly enjoyed speaking in front of hundreds of college students with a week’s notice, giving obviously amaturish speeches, knowing full well that “um” and “ah” would be the most common sounds coming from my mouth… When I was invited to speak, I decided then and there to enjoy it, and being afraid was never an option from that point on.
Happiness is a choice… and a habit is a choice that we make time and time again, so happiness can become a habit.
And happiness is looking back on an incredibly long and rambling post, realizing that I’ve taken up enough of Craig’s time already this week, but hitting the submit button anyways.
That’s exactly what I did this week. Let go. I let go of something that I thought would make me happy but turned out trying to achieve it was making me VERY unhappy.
I let go and now I see that I can be happy NOW.
Happiness is not possible for all, that’s the way of living on this earth plane. But for those that read this blog and have it – good on you.
Happiness is not feeling gulity about walking into Tiff & Co (Brisbane store not the others
and buying something if you want it despite everyone ranting it’s not about material possessions.
Happiness is letting go of everything and everybody – and then realising you should not have LOL
Happiness is Craig’s blog.
Happiness is seeing someone you love with someone else because it pleases the many new age people that are obsessed with letting go and moving on when in their hearts they didn’t want to and now everyone is happy but you as everyone thinks they know who is right for you.
Happiness is Craig’s mum lifting weights again
Happiness is Australian Idol finishing LOL
Happiness is YouTube kitten videos.
Happiness is logging on and seeing littlejohn’s postings.
And above all – happiness is – what it is for everyone. But if it ain’t yours (as it is not mine) then that’s ok.
Oh and happiness is the Three Cheese Pizza at D’s – heart attack city
There are about a hundred’ish questions there! My thoughts are leaning towards happiness being a moment-to-moment ‘emotional state.’ Though to be able to be happy, I think we have to jump over the fence at some point (ideally not for too long at a time, nor too often in our lives) and experience unhappiness. If only happiness was a simple reflex arc like when we would touch a hot plate and our neurological system kicks in and quickly draws our hand away.
Happiness is… living in the now and having emotional and physical wellbeing and being surrounded by meaningful relationships (family/friends/spouse).
Happiness is… having ‘respect for self’ – something I learned about recently. Ask yourself ‘what is going to be best for me?’
Happiness is… living a life aligned to your core values.
Like you’ve said to me many times, when we live in the past or the future we’re going to miss out on today.
You also said a while back ‘happiness is letting go for what makes us unhappy.’ I really think that sums it up. If you aren’t happy with your job, with your partner, with your poor health or whatever – then change it (not impulsively). I think we are all, to varying degrees, in tune with ourselves enough to know what makes us unhappy. The problem though is the whole change process. Losing weight, going to the gym more than once a year (!), saving money, quitting smoking, giving up alcohol/drugs, controlling anger, building confidence (=me).
Thank you Adam ()
Hiya everyone,
I love this post Craig! My hand is raised high in the air for wanting happiness…but I can whole-heartedly say that I am one happy camper at this point in my life, despite in the last 4 months losing just about every material asset I owned and going from being engaged with a significantly substantial bank account to being single and living from week to week AND being 32 and back living with my parents (temporarily of course). I have NEVER been happier!
There I was, living amongst ‘stuff’…lots and lots of expensive stuff…and I could buy whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. I (we) ate out all the time, I never looked at the price of things before I bought them. The prospect of complete financial freedom was a given. But I was so empty. I was emotionally empty, and I knew I had to do something to change all that…but that it would be the most painful thing I ever did – and that it would cause a huge commotion…and that people may judge me for who I really was – and that I would lose all my ‘stuff’ and go back to struggle street. 4 months later I have completely changed my life for the better. It’s still very painful, challenging and extremely difficult (emotionally and financially), but it’s oh so exciting and fulfilling and I’m soooooooo happy i decided to take control of my own future and ditch the mindset that said ‘more stuff is better’ and that following the traditional, more ‘socially acceptable’ path was the right thing to do at the expense of my own happiness. Now, I’m about to start a business partnership with the most wonderful person who shares my passion. I’m happy within myself and I’m so excited about the future and man-oh-man I’m LOVING the NOW!
‘Jonesy’ makes the occasional appearance (my ‘depressed’ state personified) and tries to infiltrate my happy place. But these days I move him along much easier than previously. I’ve learnt some valuable lessons about happiness and what matters most to me (my wonderfully supportive family and friends) – and I’m working hard to achieve that. What is different? I freed myself of the need to fit in. I decided that I am just as important as everyone else and that I AM GOOD ENOUGH (I graduated uni last year with a Bachelor of Communication in the top 15% of all uni students and believe it or not I still thought I wasn’t good enough????). I decided that my happiness is more important than money. I decided that if it is meant to be then it’s up to me. A risk that has well and truly paid off. Oh, and I ditched a few human speed bumps along the way too. Why I didn’t do that sooner I’m not sure, but I can’t stress the relief to no longer have to deal with these people.
I have so much to learn. I’m an absolute novice in terms of business, but I’m so completely connected to what I’m doing and I’m not going to quit – the alternative is so unappealing to me, and the challenge of achieving something so dear to me keeps me going….not to mention getting to spend every single day doing what I love, with the person I love. YAY!
I’ll never give up, no matter what.
NOT DEAD YET!
Thank you Adam ()
Oops…forgot to say great post! Looking forward to your next one.
I think the main source of happiness comes down to how ‘in control’ we feel in our own lives! Living a life in line with our core values and maintaining self control with what we have and finding reasons to find/have joy is what I think brings the most genuine self contentment! After that working toward goals and self achievements brings big highs and feelings of achievements!
Great working conditions, winning the lottery, winning an unexpected lot of cash can are the icing on the cake, can bring much opportunity, fun and great joy! But I think we need to get things sussed in the first paragraph before we find true joys from the ‘cake icing’ in this second paragraph! Controlled fun use of unexpected prizes is awesome but if it gets wasted with lapses of lack of control, it’s more hurtful!
Hi Craig,
I think happiness is about finding out exactly who you are and accepting yourself anyway.
I’ll let you know how it feels once I get there. In fact, I’ll send you a postcard.
But first, there are some things I need to let go of:
The feelings of shame and embarrassment about where I grew up.
The need to cover these feelings with more and more pretty things.
The fear that someone will look beneath the pretty things and find, well, ugliness.
Phew. That was difficult to admit. But necessary.
Now I just have to figure out the first step. Any suggestions welcome.
Christina xxx
Craig, you spread happiness all over the globe and I thank you.
George burns said, “Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
lol
Even though we have “moments” that are not pure pleasure, my family is #1 on my list of what brings me happiness. Knowing they have my back (no matter what) and offering them the same nonjudgmental, unconditional support… Priceless.
The accumulation of stuff has no appeal for me. I grew up “poor” and am now an adult who has greater financial resources. I get way more excited about bringing home a heart-shaped rock I found on the beach than anything I’ve ever brought home in a shopping bag. That’s just me, Lots of my friends don’t get it. Wherever anyone’s happiness comes from, I’m just glad they found it.
And to those still seeking happiness, you’ve come to the right place.
Hey Craig !
Well, as usual, nothing profound from me, but I thought I might mention that I’ve just added Louise L. Hay to my list of mentors (along with Eckhart and Craig !) and after reading only the first 35 pages (so far) of You Can Heal Your Life, I’m feeling extremely happy ! Highly recommended reading !
{{HUG}}
Tina
I love this post. I guess happiness is different for everybody. I know grown men you are happy sitting down playing the latest video game (something I can’t even understand to be honest). I know mom’s who are happy as hell dealing with the daily challenges of children causing “ruckous” and trying to get them to behave.
I used to be an accumalation guy. I used to think that I need millions of dollars to be happy and live the life of my dreams. Fairly recently that all changed. My goals have changed…I really feel to be happy you need goals. I 100% agree that you need to live ‘in the now’ to be happy but you also need goals to keep you moving forward towards something that has the potential to make your life amazing.
I think happiness comes from challenging yourself to go after a greater life. Sure, doing that causes some down moments in life, but that’s life, that’s what sometimes needs to happen to get you that greater life.
But you can still find happiness in those down moments. i look at bad days like this. “Those bad days are just God asking you if this is really what you want. That’s where champions are made and pretenders fail.” – Brian Grasso
I have goals now that aren’t exactly accumulation goals. I have goals like building enough wealth (not really a specific number) so my future wife doesn’t have to work if she doesn’t want to. I want to own multiple businesses to achieve that and also so I can have the freedom to live my life the way I want to.
Sorry, I’m very random with thoughts sometimes
I just got out of a relationship of over 6 years. It was an incredibly emotional experience working through the decision on what to do. I realized that the relationship was ‘slowing me down’. I was frustrated all the time. She didn’t really believe in what I wanted out of life and essentially I learned that this is MY life and I have full control on what I need to do to be happy. When I die, I’m not going to be here anymore. Did I live it to the fullest or did I settle down because of fear of the unknown?
I can probably talk forever about this. I guess it really all boils down to you. If you love yourself and have a true self-respect then you won’t let the silly things in life determine your happiness. I used to base my happiness on what people said to me about how I did in a certain situation or whatever. That’s stupid. All you can do is your best and if you are doing your best going after a great life then you’re doing things right in my book. Happiness is always just a thought away…and a greater life is always right around the corner.
Dan
Happiness is about giving.
Check this out:
Loans that change lives
http://www.kiva.org/
Hi Craig,
I remind myself of a saying (that might even have been quoted by you at some point!): You don’t find happiness by searching for it, you find happiness by letting go of the things that make you unhappy.
I’m what you call an over-thinker – at least I recognise it now. And I’m learning to “hush” my brain when it goes into overdrive. That’s letting go of chaotic, stupid thoughts.
I’ve let go of a lot of things that used to drive me nuts – or should I say, I let them drive me nuts.
And when I feel myself digging in and getting totally stressed, I ask my favourite question – Is this the hill you want to die on?
Finally, in your own words, if something upsets me, I try to stop and think about my negative reaction and change it.
It’s hard work when you start all of this, or it feels like it. Then it gets easier, and the pay-off gets bigger.
Not happiness but joy and contentment and ease.
Happiness is a personal perceptual “thing”, whatever makes a person “feel” contented, at peace, “good” about themselves and their world. Me, I’m not a collector of things, I feel happiest when I can walk up the hills near where I live and observe nature and the open spaces we take so much for granted. I love “hanging out” with my two little grand-children who are my greatest source of inspiration and joy. They are aged nearly two and three years old, their inquisitiveness, awareness, laughter and joy bring the greatest sense of happiness to me. Whenever I feel a sense of overwhelm, I think of them….. that’s simple happiness to me.
-Debbie
Morning Everyone. Great comments so far.
Adam… you’ve clearly given this topic some serious consideration – thanks for sharing with us, Great stuff.
BTW, I’ll do the T-shirt thing (re- Thursday’s post) tomorrow. Sorry, I forgot about it today.
I’ll check in later.. enjoy your day Team
Happiness is the ability to stay alone in an empty room.
P.S. One of your best articles, Long Locks
Thanks Craig…………LOVE your post……….it has often seemed to me that (apart from some transient moments walking in the sunshine) that happiness is too often something we only HAD in hindsight. You know the thoughts like ‘remember when we did blah blah blah that was THE happiest time in our lives’………perhaps just some reminders like yours will prompt the ‘i AM happy NOW’….no reasons just i AM happy and SMILE about it.
Hugs
All you ever really have to do………..is the next right thing.
First time posters here… I love the depth, Craig, so thank you for the the the subject of happiness.
Based to a large degree on my own life, I do not see happiness is something that is going to be consistent. Both external and internal conditions change. And don’t we want to them too? Being totally happy, 24/7 would be boring. I believe adversity creates options… it makes you think… it makes you create… it makes you realize loss and grow.
In my life, I have been blessed with health, wealth, and some pretty great relationships. Being very real here in saying I did not always value them to the degree that I should have.
Last year, I had a significant, earth moving shift in my life and much changed. You may know the type that I am speaking of… ‘there aren’t answers and darn it all, no matter how much to talk about it, nothing changes…’
I have always been self employed, (still am as a consultant). Going with my work and career path are some personality traits… Rarely are self employed, make things happen kind of personalities, dependent personalities. Independence is something most people want but when they get it, they trend to not know what to do with it.
Over the course of the last 18 months, I believe that I have come out on the other side of all the drama and realized that being dependent is a necessary component to real happiness and peace.
Accepting that each person has the right to select, and do their own thing, irrespective of my own beliefs has been freeing.
So… all this jabber to say this…. ‘happiness is fleeting. God did not make this place to be perfect. He did make us to seek out perfection. Growth, peace and ultimate happiness comes in times where the only place you have to look is up….
Thank you Craig.
Do we need a Happiness Plan? I think happiness is a by-product of loving life each day and doing what matters most…both planned activities, and welcoming what comes up. For me it meant being aware of my own thought processes, and what I was thinking that determined my ability to be happy. I had a lot of growing to do! People like you, and many authors, music, and movies inspired my life. (The Martian Chronicles: “Take pleasure in the gift of being.”)
Barry Neil Kaufman wrote a wonderful book called, Happiness is A Choice. And happiness, I’ve found, comes from living with purpose and integrity while correcting yourself along the way to grow as a whole creative human be-ing. Was I always happy? Absolutely not! However, a decision to be resonsible for my life and not trust psychiatrists and Prozac, etc. changed my life. They told me I had a chemical imbalance and couldn’t help myself. I knew if I believed these doctors, I would never be well (happy vs suffering from depression.) That was almost twenty years ago. To me, happiness is a by-product of loving life and welcoming what is. A book that truly inspired my life is The Magic of Conflict by a Thomas F. Crum.
Having a happiness plan, I like it. The plan is to write down what does make me happy and allocate some time to that each day, each week. then again, it doesn’t need to be so formal. Happiness is giving my children and husband a hug, seeing the smiles on my clients faces, enjoying a night. Happiness is a choice, and I choose to be happy.
Hi Craig
Great post – you’ve said all of it in the past, however to reiterate in different words is always a good place to start to keep interest!
Happiness for me is accepting who I am and what I have, where I’ve come from, who my family are, what I do for a living, enjoying my space / home – unconditionally, not be envious of what other’s have (who cares) and really enjoying those moments that are priceless! I did the exercise with the family and crayon on Friday night, where I asked my seventy something parents, 6 year old daughter, 39 year old hubby, 47 year old sister & 25 year old niece to draw themselves in their best attire and when they felt great about themselves – I can’t remember the last time the family laughed so much and hard as one unit before. I’ve laminated all their drawings to come out in 5 years!!!
Thanks for the idea.
Gullu ; )
Hi guys, first time poster, been reading for a while now.
On the issue of happiness, I tend to fall waaay short in my life. I have a nice job, I work hard, its shift work, but I dont mind because I live close enough to work to be able to walk there and back.
Lets just say I’m happy with my work.
I have goals in life, both in the short and long term. Goals both within and outside my career that are, in my mind, quite attainable. I guess you could say that I have a plan on my end, just waiting for everyone else to see it and help along.
Lets just say I’m happy with my plan.
I have friends, not many of them are non-workmates, but, I sure enough have friends. I enjoy seeing them when we’re both able to do so (I work nights and weekends) and I’m always happy when they’re around (I’d like to imagine they’re happy with me too)
Lets just say, I love my friends.
But for some reason, everyday I get out of bed, something nags at me. On my days off I’m fine (I generally work a 40 hour week i the last 4 days of the week, so 3 days of relaxing at the start). But half way through my work week, I get hit with, I don’t know, a depression? I realise that I’ll be going home alone that morning, no chance of meeting anyone new, I realise that I’ve been working my ass of for a promotion that my boss knows I want, but for some reason he doesn’t seem to show any appreciation for my extra efforts (or my plan), and I realise, as much as I love my job, its both killing my body, and my social life (at the end of most work works I tend to collapse for afew days)
I know a balance of work and social life are important, which is why I opt for the 3 days off in my week.. but this depressions getting worse and worse. I know if I tell my friends they’ll tell me to quit, blaming my job for it all. I know if I tell my workmates, it could effect my work life and (god forbid) my plan. But, I really cant deal with this rising sadness in me, I need clarity, and some way for myself to form a ‘Happiness plan’.
Thanks Adam. Thanks Dan and Thanks Craig!!!
Few words from me today and …..I’m happy with that !
Mon ( )
Hey again..
Firstly, a big hi to our Newbies – Welcome and cyber hug for you ( )
I’ve been out all morning doing a gig for the good folk from Darebin City Council here in Melbourne. I only offended half of the room so that’s progress right?
Thought so.
Loving the comments today; keep up the good work.
Hi Craig,
I thought happiness was when i found someone who loved me and i thought it would be like my mum and dads marriage.
Boy, was i wrong.
Of our 12 years together the last few were the worse.
I endured his affairs cause i wanted our kids to have a father,i had the put downs the girlfriends ringing me up saying he loved them more, they were going to take my kids and so on.
I was driven to the doorstep of suicide because i hit an all time low he was all i knew and i loved him.
I guess because i was sexually abused i deserved what i got from him,afterall to me i was damaged goods.
The one thing he didnt count on i guess was my strength when it came to the kids then he saw a tiger emerge.
But thats in the past now and i guess i dont look for happiness anymore because i dont think its there.
Everything i ever wanted has either been out of reach or not for me i guess, thats not to say i walk around with a sad look on my face but at times Im crying on the inside.
I have it in me that thinks 47 is now to late to be healthy to have what i want to be what i could be, its all to late for me now.
The thing i feared the most i have now become and that is the size my mother was. Maybe she felt the same way as well I dont know.
I try to steer my kids from the path i have walked and are walking, will it work?, I dont know I pray it does for this future isnt what i want for them.
Hi, I have had such a negative background (and I won’t bore you with it) that eventually it lead me to hospital for severe depression and alcohol dependency at the end of 2006. Happiness was something I thought I would never achieve.
Earlier, in approx 2004, I met someone on the internet who became one of my closest friends. I did not have family (to speak of) in Australia, and my friend Jose knew me before, during and after my hospital visit. He was always there for me.
Over time, I gained more independence and made decisions on my life that would make me ‘happy’. I was reaching my goal of becoming debt free, before the age of 40, had a good job, owned my car, had my kitty cat (who helped me through my dramas), obtained my insulin pump for diabetes (had this 33 years) … and finally was getting on track again. I was comfortable and ‘happy’ within myself and the direction I was heading. But there was still something missing. A companion. Although I believe nobody is meant to life life alone, I got to the point that being alone was better than being unhappy in a relationship. I gave up dating anybody and accepted that perhaps I was not meant to have a companion, and continued life, always an optimist in everything I do and being happy in the direction I was heading.
At the end of 2008, my friend Jose decided to let me know how he really felt about me. Long story short, he took the chance to tell me that he was really in love with me. I could have rejected this, he lived in America and I in Australia. However, I knew I felt the same way and decided to take the chance to be with him. After 4 years, I felt I knew him better than anybody with the constant contact.
On getting rid of my things, I took huge chances and sold or threw away everything I had worked and saved for. Including diaries that were over 20 years old. When opening them to read some, I only saw negativity. I was leaving all that behind. Didn’t want that anymore. At the time on selling my possessions, I remember the Victorian bushfires, and thought “if a fire went through my home, like the bushfire victims, could I really do without these possessions?”. That put things in perspective, and I realised that I could do without the majority of my things. They were not what made me happy. I also gave a lot of my items to charity. The only difficult thing I had to do was find a new home for my cat, and even then, he went to a better home than even I could give him! We still keep in touch.
I arrived in America in May 2009 with two suitcases of what I needed. Mainly medication and clothing to get me through. Yes, I took a big chance and felt I lost everything. But really I gained much, much more. I have my companion for life, we married and are extremely happy. They have a family who love me as their own, something I have never had before. So happiness came to me more on an emotional level. It took me a while to believe it, but now I know I deserve the happiness I have received. Life can begin at 40 … oh, and we also adopted a rescue kitty too
Happiness ultimately begins within yourself. It took me a while to work from my lowest point in my life to a place where I was happy with myself. No matter what my upbringing or past gave me. Unlike a lot of people, I will never blame other people or circumstances on my unhappiness. They are experiences we learn from. As an adult I have the choice to take the steps I need to overcome any obstacles. I am not religious, but I believe there is a ‘higher power’. That if you do good things for other people and are a good person, the good things will come at the right time for the right reason. Yes, sometimes it is harder to be optimistic than at other times, but again, it is my choice to work through this. Nobody else can do it for me.
Thank you for letting me share.
Libi
Hiya Craigo,
Just a quick comment while I “refuel”! (Note: I have changed the words I use for “eat” … now I refuel, replenish and nourish my body!!)
If you had written this article a month ago, I would have understood what you were saying … but I wouldn’t have “got” it! Now, I “get” it.
Happiness is an inside job … I am much happier now than I was even 3 weeks ago because now I know I am okay! That I have always been okay and that, no matter what life throws up at me, I will always be okay.
I know I will never be able to find true happiness with material possessions – no matter how nice the shoes are!! I know I am truly happy when I am spending time with my three boys – my family whom I love deeply.
But I have also recently discovered that I am truly happy when I am kind to myself – and that means a myriad of things for me (more disciplined, eat better, think better thoughts, keep busier, be more productive … ).
If only people would be kinder to themselves (whatever that is for them), realise they are good enough and that they don’t need those heels/that car/ that house to make them happy … they can find their happiness on the inside.
Em
( ) x
I just want to pick up with Dan Grant’s comments, if you read them Dan I would love for you to say more.
I am 44 and I find it difficult to make permanent friends and a relationship, many reasons to which I won’t go in here but I am emotionally unavailable to a large extent.
I found it interesting you broke up your relationship as she was holding you back (if I am reading your post correctly).
I don’t know if it was her or you, that’s for you to decide, but I know with my friends that I broke up with this weekend, they have kept me back. I can forgive them but they are of the view I am in need of a shrink and medication, being with them made me doubt myself. I miss them as I do any person or animal or job that is gone. However, whilst I do not think it is necessary to break up, I can understand the concept that if someone is not supportive in some way, or it is too much of a drain it is best to break or leave. That does not rule out forever but. I mean when you think about it us pets and humans will expire and probably go to the same place where these issues don’t exist LOL.
It’s funny because a week ago I was telling Brad about this and he said ‘well you are moving on and they don’t like it’, but what is more funny is my sister said the same thing.
Now one last thing – I do not go out and find my school and childhood friends, ex workmates, people I went to school with but barring if it was nasty, i NEVER am rude I will say hi if they say hi great. I understand people want to move on but being rude is not the way I like to be. There was closure at my School Reunion but a couple in the past two years have said hi and I will always do so or do drinks if that is what they want. Makes me happy.
In fact, being happy means seeing someone from my past and saying hi especially those that I had bad encounters with them and knowing I am ok as I am, whereas when I was with them on any level I wasn’t
Thanks for your story, feel happy now.
For the better part of the last 10 years I believed that happiness was going to hit me when I finally found the man of my dreams, lost weight and paid off my debts. I haven’t done any of those things, but very recently something has changed in me. I have discovered a new interest which would be very difficult to pursue if I was in a relationship. This has given me a new found freedom, which I actually always had, but never appreciated. Suddenly I am so incredibly glad to be single, I’m actually avoiding meeting men who are looking for a serious relationship, instead of avoiding the ones who weren’t, and the enormous pressure of feeling like I need to find a mate and breed before my BC stops ticking has just disappeared.
Nothing else has really changed in my life, but this shift in my own attitude has allowed me to let go of the fear of being alone and I am generally so much happier and more relaxed than I have been since childhood.
I still need to lose weight for health reasons and I think it would be nice to find love…but it will happen when it happens, and in the meantime I’m making the most of every minute of being single and I’ve never been happier in my life….without a man, without much money and without being a size 12….who’d have thought!
I learnt to let go of the need to own ‘stuff’ when I was researching an overseas holiday, and was enlightened by the packing tips from people who can travel for weeks with only a small carry-on bag. It made me think about how much we really need, and I’ve come to see the ownership of possessions as a huge burden. It’s just more stuff I have to store, keep clean, and pack/unpack when I move house. When I’m standing in a shop questioning a purchase now, I ask myself a question “If my house burnt down to the ground, would I miss this and bother to replace it?’. If the answer is no, then it’s just stuff I’m buying for the short term rush, and I don’t really need it…this has worked well for me for a while and I’m now working on unloading myself of the excess possessions, instead of accumulating more junk….has also helped my budget a LOT.
People stop talking about your houses/flats/apartments burning down, its alarming. It is nice to measure happiness by what we get rid of, but not that drastic please
thanks all. I wouldn’t be happy if all my stuff was destroyed, it would be far better giving it away or for recycling. That would be happiness.
Michael makes me think of teddy-bears: huggable, sunny but unaware of their own sweetness. I always read your comments with great interest, Michael, and each time you make me think of a big teddy-bear who lost his button (or maybe it was stolen) and the teddy-addict in me makes me wanna give you a big hug
You sound like a good person who deserves to be happy.
Michael, I think you’re missing my point…I just meant that I don’t care if my house burns down, because it’s only stuff, and it can all be replaced …IF it is important enough to bother…that doesn’t mean I’m about to start a bonfire, just that I have very few material possessions that are irreplaceable, and I like that feeling of not being burdened by all that ‘stuff’ which would break my heart if Iost it. He who dies with the most junk does not win anything (as far as I know anyway)
Christina,
There’s only beauty in you. All of your posts are warm, funny and smart.
I have similar feelings about my past and I sure don’t have all the answers, but I just focus forward.
Michael,
Those people you have cleared out sounded toxic and now a space is created for worthy friends.
Gail,
Oh my God. We are the same age. I know you’ve had a lot of challenges but you are not finished. There’s plenty of time to become healthy, and be whatever you dream of. I just finished an apprenticeship in tattooing, under a mentor who continually made cracks about my age. I honestly didn’t even consider myself old until I met this person!! I still see myself as in my prime. I wish you would,,,better days ahead
If you’re interested in a new approach to boost your happiness based on the latest positive psychology research, check out our iPhone app: Live Happy; it’s based on the work of Dr. Sonja Lyubomirsky, author of “The How of Happiness” and provides a unique method to create a personalized program to increase your happiness.
Hi,
good comments on this post here. @ Adam: I also had my own shot at defining happiness, which aims to be more “scientific” and “objective” (as much as this is possible for a subjective feeling such as happiness):
“A person can be considered to have experienced a “happy” moment if the person chooses to re-live it as an end in itself if offered at no cost.”
For the detailed derivation of this conclusion please have a look at What is happiness? ; I’d love to hear what you think!
Thank you,
Nick
Oh geez Anon
))) thanks, I have been called that before i.e. Teddy Bear, I am cuddly 
but I lost my way and have had glimpses of the way coming back (does that sound logical?) I’m doing my best reading Craig’s blog and doing all sorts of things to move past this huge stuff, and interacting on here has been a major part of healing up. I’m just not ready for Craig’s boot camp stuff 
– yet. I think the biggest thing I have to move past is self blame.
Sarah, I see your point that’s cool. But I’m not throwing out everything
Lisa, I agree but at 44 it is difficult to meet others; however, I don’t want to go on the board about that issue of meeting. What I do want to write, and I thank you Lisa for your observation is this. They might be all toxic at the moment. I do not rule out getting back with them, I don’t expect them to change, I forgive them and they are only on their own path. It is just that I am not happy being with them, they don’t support me at the moment, I have been told I have a mental illness by those that have not done 6 years of psych medicine, an internship and are in practice, that is so funny. I take responsibility for how ill tempered I was for a while, but they are unforgiving and dismissive, yet i have to listen to their problems. Not now.
Happiness does not mean I get rid of them, but there is no doubt if I am to get happy and not be affected by their energy the split is necessary. I can’t rule out ever at a minimum speaking to them again, but at the moment, well, I do agree being responsible for one’s own happiness, but they are blocks. It’s no one’s fault, it’s just the ghosts of the past being there in the present. When one is happy, I believe, you can see them lovingly and you might listen and help but not be dragged down. That is the plan
Gail
My heart goes out to you. You are young yes YOUNG, YOUNG (in case you didn’t hear me the first time) you are definitely not old. Underneath all of the layers of hurt you are wearing you are a strong, determined and warm person who has lost their way TEMPORARILY.
It is not too late to turn your life around and start living a healthier life and being a wonderful role model to your children. You deserve it and so do your children. It’s up to you to the best person you can be for yourself and by looking after yourself you will also be providing a wonderful loving and enriching environment for your children. Please don’t give up Gail – STAY STRONG. Your best life is just beginning!
Happiness OH OH OH – take me higher.. HAPPINESS.. is sprinting…
Hi Lisa,
Thanks for your comment, it made me smile.
Perhaps I should get a tattoo which says, ‘The past is prologue’ – (Shakespeare) to remind myself that although the beginning, childhood, chapters are largely written for us, we write the rest of our story.
We get to choose the setting, the characters, and our reaction to the twists and turns of the plot. We get to choose whether it is a comedy or a tragedy; whether the protagonist triumphs over adversity or remains forever frozen in the shadow of the past.
Perhaps if the past is indeed a prologue, merely an introduction with little bearing on the ‘real’ story, we can choose to begin Chapter One whenever we want to? Even yesterday is now in the past.
It’s never too late (this is for you too, Gail) to turn to a fresh page and start anew, to become the author of our own story.
Thanks for helping me to ‘focus forward’, Lisa.
Christina xxx
I love this email……we (I) can often get so caught up in the day to day of life, we run from one thing to the next, we zone out we almost become numb to life. just over a year ago I joined a dance school (long story short, I danced for years had to give it up due to injury)
5 years later i joined this dance school and weighing just over a 100kg i took part in their New Years Eve performance…I don’t know how but I suddenly woke up out of this coma of life, everyday was just like seeing a new world….
Happiness, just is, why because it just is….humans are natural explorers we search for and meaning in everything…sometimes we need to stop looking and just be present in life and when we do happiness is in abundance. Yes life goes on and is transient but once you have felt that happiness it never leaves you we just have to choose/find that point that allows us to just be….
keep it simple
loving the emails…
Thank you
Cheers
Mich
Hey Craig,
That was simply excellent ;I repeat excellent
You made my day !
Cheers !