Hi Guys, it’s CJ. Remember me? I know, it’s been a while. A long while. I’ve been busy marking the Year Twelve Modern History exam which means I’ve been sitting in a huge room with rows and rows of markers reading almost a thousand essays each. Now I know what it feels like to be a battery hen. Cluck… It’s lovely to be back on him-dot-com. Ahhhhh. I missed you guys. 
Giving Up Ain’t Easy
At him-dot-com, we often talk about the need to finish what we start, to keep going when others would give up, to keep striving to achieve our goals even when we become tired, uncomfortable or unpopular. Not giving up is quite possibly the most essential ingredient in achieving permanent changes in our lives. But how do we know when to stop? How do we know when it really is time to call it quits? To give up? To throw in the towel? To put up our hands in defeat and say enough?
When is it ok, wise even, to just give up?
False Economy is No Economy
My Grandma always used to say ‘Never throw good money after bad’. She was a very astute businesswoman (especially for her generation) and feared false economy like most people feared polio. For her, part of wisdom was knowing exactly when to cut your losses. She had a keen instinct for being able to pinpoint that moment. Maybe she was related to Kenny Rogers: “You got to know when to hold ‘em, know when to fold ‘em, Know when to walk away and know when to run.” How cool am I knowing those lyrics?
Don’t answer that.
Flogging a Dead Horse
Of course, I’m not talking about those times when giving up isn’t so much a strategic move as it is a wimpy, princessy, self-defeating, self-indulgent one. Like giving up on our exercise program after three days because we don’t like being breathless and sweaty. Or throwing our savings plan out the window because we ‘need’ the new iphone. Not that I would ever do anything like that, of course 
No, these other situations are different. We know that life isn’t a Disney movie: it’s unpredictable and exciting. Sometimes great. Sometimes total crap. Sometimes we travel down a certain path only to get a sinking realisation that it’s not leading us where we hoped it would. Maybe we have completed two years of an engineering degree only to realise that we really want to be a chef. Or cabaret singer. Maybe we sold our house and uprooted our family to move to the country but now we know for certain that we’re city people after all. Who doesn’t love concrete? Perhaps if we are honest with ourselves we would admit that our relationship isn’t going through a ‘rough patch’, it has actually run its course and it’s never going to get any better.
Sometimes, we have to learn the hard way that the conventional road isn’t for us. Or, on the other hand, learn that the ‘Road Less Travelled’ is, in fact, less travelled for some pretty good reasons. I know, I know. Someone with big biceps whose name starts with Craig might argue that our happiness comes from within and that it is, therefore, not determined by our situation anyway. When I reach that level of wisdom and understanding, I’ll let you know. Don’t hold your breath.
Committed or Stubborn?
It seems to me that the way we label these detours in life leads to our unwillingness to cut our losses and change direction. If we talk about a ‘failed business’, ‘failed career’, ‘failed sea-change’ or ‘failed marriage’, of course we are going to be reluctant to admit we were wr-wr-wr-wr … not right. Because we are human, we tend to care about what other people think of our choices and achievements. That’s natural but, in my opinion, it’s probably not wise to let it influence our decisions.
If we genuinely want to give up but we won’t because ‘other people’ (whoever they are to us – family, friends, colleagues, the postman …) might think less of us, then we are letting our pride rule our lives. We’re letting them rule our lives. Which, trust me on this one, is not a good way to go.
As Marcellus in Pulp Fiction says:
“ … you may feel a slight sting. That’s pride f**king with you. F**k pride! Pride only hurts, it never helps.
What Did You Learn, Tiger?
Could it be that if we adjust our attitude to life’s twists and turns, then we may have more courage to change tack when we know we genuinely need to? Every experience, venture or attempt will teach us something even if it’s only ‘I’m never going to do that again’. If we can see lessons rather than failures, then maybe (like my Grandma) we will be able to cut our losses and move on when we know we need to. Which, hopefully, will mean less false economy and less self-condemnation for us.
A Surrender or a Tactical Retreat?
So how can we tell if we are being stupid or smart? Self-sabotaging or strategic? Cowardly or courageous? When is it wise to give up and how will we know? Or, perhaps it’s not giving up at all. Perhaps it’s wising up?
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
CJ xox
* Don’t forget my new kid’s book (The Angry Ant) is out now! Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and get my FREE Ebook!
{ 13 comments… read them below or add one }
hey CJ… So kool to hear from you. I have to say I can relate to this from my heart. And yes its a VERY hard lesson to learn!!
I stuck with an extrmely bad and very wrong decision for nearly 30 years, I guess it was all of those things… pride, what would people think, and the biggest was I had failed at something that was supsosed to be the “normalist” thing in the world to do.
Now I think its a courageous thing to be able to have the wisdom to know when your ‘floggin a dead horse’ and walk away knowing you gave it your best shot.
Hugs and kind regards from Christmas xxoo
Earlier this year my one and only employee practically decminated my business and for whatever reason or circumstance was happening in her life, she became the employee from hell. At the same time my partner packed up and left when I was at a meeting without any goodbye or warning. At the time family and friends were telling me to just pack up and go back to working for someone else but something inside just wouldn’t let me do it. Was it pride? I really don’t know but from somewhere I found more determination than I ever had (and I can be pretty damned determined) and I have spent the rest of this year working ridiculously hard but I managed to salvage everything and I am proud of that – should I have listened to everyone else? Absolutely not – because through my determination and hard work I am in such a great place. I have taken on more clients who are sensational human beings and I feel fortunate to have the opportunity to work with, I was approached to take on a moderately prominent position within my community and I am absolutely loving doing what I do. The dead horse wasn’t really dead – just playing possum haha. There have been times in life where I have just given up and totally changed direction (much to family and friends chargrin) and I have never thought about those decisions again. I feel that the most important thing is to listen to your instincts and gut feelings and take the course of action that rings true for yourself and don’t be swayed by the opinion of others – afterall, the others are not you and will not react and feel like you. The only thing you have to be wary of is mistaking instinct and gut feeling for wishful thinking.
Hi CJ,
Wise words – I couldn´t say it better!
Love my grandparents for their wisdom, like you do.
wth
Welcome back CJ!
I think most of us know when we need to cut our losses. And if we can get past the ‘failure’ label and look at it as a ‘learning experience’ then all that stands in our way is fear of making the wrong decision.
In some cases decisions are not reversible (ie most of the time when ending a relationship) but in most cases they are. Uni courses can be gone back to, cities can be moved back to, careers resumed… so when you look at it like that it is not so scary.
All this flys in the face of the new agers and mostly American gurus who say “never give up go for it”. Thank god for that.
Sometimes we also have to give up our lives say if we have a terminal illness. I think giving up something comes when you just realise X is not happening. The trouble is the new agers start nonsense like ‘it was not meant to be the universe has different plans for you and your higher good’. Spare me.
No you just know, but there is one point: just because it has hit a brick wall this time and you need to give up does not mean the same thing will come back. Who knows.
Hi CJ
Nice to see your name in the blogsphere
Some very difficult questions to answer. Basically I think we can only truly respond when we are consciously aware of the circumstances at hand and take stock of how they measure up (align) with our non negotiables / values / beliefs. This is the guide I am trying to implement anyway and it is far from a simple process….the ability to get out of your head and evaluate things objectively is not impossible but does require practice. Removing (or being more cognisant of) the emotional, intellectual, physical and psychological barriers is a challenge – we are human after all….but it is necessary to come to a rational / logical conclusion…
I personally don’t think of it as “giving up” per se but perhaps more “choosing” to pursue an alternative course of action that adds value rather than erodes it. I am finding it is a much more empowering thought process.
These are however, just words, and the doing is a whole other ball game.
What we do know and have learned here from Craig and CJ is that change is a choice largely influenced by our attitude and we can choose a better life. No one has promised it would be easy (however you define easy…) but we do know that the more often we make better choices the stronger the process (and us as individuals) becomes.
Thanks for a thought provoking article.
ps. I’m getting attached to the wombat tag ;P
Wish I had a piece of definitive wisdom. I have a few ideas.
When we run out of new things to try (when the old haven’t worked).
Our intuition can get better over time (as long as we listen to it).
We can get a better sense of our sore spots and what hooks us (so we are less likely to rush off after an illusion – if we are willing to examine why we did this all the previous times).
It is good to have friends who will listen and offer advice (only) when asked.
What i have learnt is to never set goals or try to be another person.. it doesnt work. I dont believe in giving up on something you want… or have a passion for…but I do believe in what does Craig call them ‘relentless’ friends… honest but truly loving friends who would tell you NOT anything is possible but would also know the type of mountain you can climb!
you give up when you heart isnt in it anymore!
Kate yes goals are over rated
Such an important lesson to learn, that sometimes enough is indeed enough! I finally understood this when my father passed and I was able to make the break from my toxic mother. My siblings and I had suffered her venomous behaviour for many years prior to our dad’s death, but when he died my mother became incredibly worse.
At first, I was making excuses for her behaviour but she did some quite awful things and I finally realised enough was enough. I said my good-byes and that was it.
I felt like a huge weight had been lifted from my shoulders. I never spoke to her again and do not regret this at all. Enough was enough.
Hi CJ,
Thanks for the awesome post. This is a topic i am currently struggling with. For some time now i have wanted to ‘change direction’ and i know which way i want to go…..BUT….ridiculously i feel too worried about what everyone else will think and that they will label me a failure and i will also think that about myself….allowing THIER opinions to influence my whole life direction. Its truly insane when you think about it but its really hard to overcome that feeling that you need to ‘fit in’ with what society (whoever they are) dictates as being a ‘successful’ person. I have been reading Craigs blogs and have his book etc and i am getting so much strength from first of all…ACKNOWLEDGING that i KNOW that this is happening and secondly…..THAT I KNOW THAT ITS UNHEALTHY to allow other peoples opinions impact in such a big way on my life.
I guess with the ongoing help of researching and reading about other peoples experiences, such as yours, really helps put things into perspective and GET IT INTO MY HEAD that i am the one who needs to be in the drivers seat of my own life….otherwise who knows where these other people could take me!!!
Lots of wisdom there…..now i just need to summon that COURAGE! I am getting there….focusing on now setting my NEW goals and working towards them now….rather than stay paralysed by those who dont even count in my life.
Thanks again to you and Craig and have a safe and happy xmas xx
I agree that we all have to draw the line somewhere on all sorts of areas in life. Allowing oursleves to be influenced by others is quite often a good excuse for not doing what we feel is right for us.Fear is the motivator for this behaviour.Fear of stepping out into the risky zone versus staying in the safety zone.When we really passionately want to do something we just do it and dont really care what anyone thinks. When we are a bit unsure suddenly the opinion of others counts for a whole lot. At the end of the day the only person who is with you every moment of every day of your life is you.Be true to your self and life will fall into place.What does not kill you really does make you stronger.
@ Julie, you raised good point, i like your comment same like this post.
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