What if it Just Ain’t True?
A few years ago one of my friends accidentally discovered that his dad was in fact not his dad at all. Ouch. 
At twenty seven years of age, he discovered that something he absolutely knew (not thought, hoped, or wished) to be fact, was in reality, not true at all. Let’s just say that his reaction wasn’t a totally positive one. It never occurred to him that his ‘truth’, may in fact, be a big lie. A well-meaning lie (his mum had tried to protect him). A noble lie (is there such a thing?). But a major deception nonetheless.
What if you were to wake up tomorrow and discover that something you’ve believed (thought to be absolute fact) for years, simply wasn’t true? Completely and utterly false. You weren’t even close. How would you feel? Mad? Betrayed? Confused? Stupid? Maybe a little of each? Could it be that some of us hold on to certain beliefs in order to avoid the above feelings? After all, imagine having to unlearn something we’ve believed for decades? That would be quite the mental and emotional challenge, wouldn’t it?
We’ve spoken about beliefs many times here at me-dot-com but today I want to give you a little something to chew on, think about and discuss; if you feel so inspired.
Some questions for you:
1. Is it possible that you’ve ‘learned’ certain things over the years that are, in fact, false? Is it maybe even likely?
2. Is it possible that some of your (self-limiting) beliefs are the very things which stop you from fulfilling (or at least, exploring) your potential, making certain decisions, taking chances and possibly finding happiness?
3. Did you consciously choose and develop your own beliefs, or did you simply adopt ”hand-me-downs” from somebody else? (Many people do this). But Craig, why wouldn’t I believe dad? He knows and I trust him, so his beliefs become mine - consciously or not. Intentionally or not. Besides, I wouldn’t want to offend him would I?
4. Is it possible that you’ve believed certain things (seen the world in a particular way) for so long that the very thought of questioning some of your long-held beliefs makes you feel (1) uncomfortable (2) anxious (3) disloyal (4) unfaithful or perhaps even (5) overwhelmed?
5. Have you ever been coerced, pressured or expected to believe certain things, and because of those imposed beliefs you have been compelled to adhere to certain standards, rules and behaviours? Even though deep down you resented it?
6. Have you ever felt like questioning certain beliefs (to others) but held your tongue in order to keep the peace and avoid potential confrontation? (Why bother – it will only create problems?).
7. For the most part, do your beliefs empower you or limit you?
Breaking Free
Sometimes beliefs are like handcuffs or leg irons. They restrict movement, potential, exploration and of course, freedom. Freedom to learn, grow and change. They keep us in the custody of something or someone. You know what I mean.
One of the most liberating, empowering and cathartic things we can do as authors of our own lives is to question our beliefs. Not for the sake of being different, difficult or rebellious, but for the sake of learning who we are, what we are and what we really believe beyond the social conditioning, the weight of expectation, the years of mental and emotional programming and beyond the pressure of group thinking.
After all, our beliefs determine our choices and behaviours (for the most part) and our choices and behaviours determine the kind of results we produce in our world. So why wouldn’t we? Is it time for you to do a little unlearning?
Tell me about what you’ve unlearned lately. 
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Craig,
Thank you for the validation. Yes, it is a sizeable mental and emotional challenge to have to unlearn something you’ve believed for decades.
My sisters and I had always known we had a half sibling, but the “other woman” had sealed the records and told a ficticious story of the baby’s whereabouts. She even lied about the gender so we would never find the baby. We did try, but of course the trail went cold.
After believing for decades that I had a brother 8 years younger than me, who was adopted to a family in New York, I found out I had a wonderful sister who lives around the corner on the beach.
Now, some people are questioning whether the birth mother may have also lied about the paternity of the baby.
At this point, it doesn’t matter to me.
I know in my heart that we are sisters by blood, and I have no interest in knowing the results of a DNA test.
She feels the same way., but would take the test to satisfy others.
For most of my life I’ve lived with questions and curiosity about this other living piece of us. If we were told that my dad was not the father, I’d have to unlearn the entire experience, again, in a different way.
This human being has always been a part of my life story, no matter how scandalous and painful the details at the time of her birth, and throughout my childhood.
It’s possible that she will have the test and I may have to unlearn everything related to her existence…
I wanted to share that although revelations can hurt and divide families, there can be miraculous, happy endings. You can decide to be ok with whatever you can’t change.
hope you’ve all chosen happy
Well, I’m approaching 27, so if there’s a pattern here, I’m in for a big surprise.
Joking aside, I had a couple of ‘aha’ moments when I realized something I had believed for years was not true. Emotionally, it’s a very powerful and complex moment. The thing is, my mental associations didn’t change automatically though. So I still operated on premises which consciously I (now) knew were not real. Changing those old associations and habits is usually a long term process.
I had to unlearn so many things that I ended up creating my own reality. An alternative perspective. I had got tired, you see, of the general climate of fear, recession, shocking news, end-of-the-world attitudes, hype and brainwashing via mass media. Enough is enough.
As an incest survivor, I have had to unlearn many of my childhood beliefs that were given to me by my abusers. Those beliefs were passed on to me so that I would keep the secret of incest a secret. Most of the past 20 years has been spent in recovery learning the truth about who I am and how incest was still affecting my life as an adult.
In order to not pass those beliefs onto my children and future generations, I have worked really hard on coming up with a healthy and loving belief system for myself. The rewards are fantastic.
Today I reach out to other incest survivors through the writings on my blog. In that way, some good can come from the childhood abuse. I also work to educate others about abuse of children so as a society we can stop incest and child abuse so that our children don’t have to hurt like I was.
I have learned that incest is not who I am. It is something that happened to me as a child. I can let go of that hurt or I can let it continue to eat me alive. Today, as the hurt comes up, as it did this last week, I can work my way through it by feeling it and then I can let go of it and move on to a better life and be a better person because of it. Through my own pain, I can help others begin to come out of theirs.
My blog isn’t “easy” reading. I write it for myself and for other survivors. It is as honest as I can be about a very difficult—sometimes painful, sometimes joyful, sometimes inspiring, sometimes depressing journey—always moving toward freedom to be the me that I was meant to be with God’s help.
Patricia brave as, as society tends to be obsessed with the victim is to blame.
Anyway, what I unlearnt is not to take the being fat too hard off others. See the thing is, I appreciate the importance of it coming off, you cannot deny how important it is to get this weight off, but others lately have started a campaign where they bully me over my weight. I got that when I was in my teens, now here it is 30 years later.
What I have unlearnt is to react; it is their issue. It is the truth; I carry more weight than the BMI. We are objects of contempt but worst of all, much like Patricia’s audience, we CARRY the guilt, shame and embarrassement in our heads 24/7. Well, with no sorry to society, as much as I will diet and exercise for me, a bunch of sad sorry people picking on me, I learnt not so much to ignore but to get mad/sad/upset for 5 seconds then move on and think, well that’s what you think it isn’t me.
Also a quick story: I got an email a friend of mine put on some weight. A co-worker, twice the size of him, told him so! I got a giggle out of it.
Sorry I found this wisdom, it could apply to the adoption, weight, abuse, anything that needs to be unlearnt:
the longer you let the opinions of others define you, the longer you take to learn that their opinions don’t matter. please yourself.
Things I’ve Unlearned Recently …
-I’ve unlearned that I’m unlovable, unlikeable, and must do everything perfectly in order to be acceptable, in order to accept myself.
-I’ve unlearned that when something bad happens, it isn’t always my fault because often other people are simply playing out their stuff and at other times they’re simply being mean.
-I’ve unlearned not listening to undesirable feelings and I’ve subsequently unlearned stuffing them back down inside where they ferment into a mucky mess and cause me more gut-level grief than if I’d dealt with them in the first-place
-I’ve unlearned running away from confrontation
-I’ve unlearned saying, ‘nothing much’ when someone ask what’s happening with me because I have learnt that my experiences, thoughts, and reflections are worthy of others’ and my own time and attention
-I’ve unlearned that my needs are secondary to others’ needs
-I’ve unlearned that falling in love maketh a successful marriage, and rather, I’ve learned that a successful marriage is a day-by-day process built on a foundation of friendship, underpinned by respect
-I’m very very currently unlearning seriousness by practicing play, humor, and silliness
-And I’m unlearning ot awlyas coectrr lla ym tpynig ekrors.
Hi Lisa – thanks for sharing your story…
Yep Eduard – it takes a while but it all starts with that awareness and acknowledgement… good for you
You’re right Anon N – we all live in our own heads (subjective reality) so we may as well make it a nice place to hang out…
Hi Patricia – you’re an inspiration and what you do is amazing. Thanks for being so brave, honest and generous. A big hug to you from me ( )
I like that wisdom Michael
WOW!!
Unlearning stuff is hard but the rewards are awesome…
Reading this post in the office at work was not a good idea, however choosing to wear waterproof mascara today was a great idea!!
Congrats on all that unlearning Mystery Teacher – and by the way, I love the last one – tow fnnyu
Mandi B – I’ve always been an advocate for waterproof mascara!
This has really made me think…answers to questions are
1. Yes
2.Definitely
3.Yep
4.Definitely to the uncomfortable, anxious and overwhelmed
5. No
6. Yes for sure, who hasn’t held there tongue to keep the peace and avoid confrontation. I have learnt from experience that what might be ones belief to be the truth is someone else s ammunition for all out war.
7. Empower now but definitely used to limit and to a point still does but we are trying to rectify that, after all it takes awhile to undo a life time of self doubt in ones beliefs.
Again Craig, thanks for another thought provoking post.
yes
Hey Craig !
I was 20 when my Mum dropped the bombshell on me that my brother is in fact my half-brother. He’s 5-1/2 years older than me and even though he’s lived in New Zealand since 1966, we’ve always been incredibly close. I went home that day feeling like the bottom had dropped out of my world. I cried myself to sleep that night… then woke up in the morning thinking… “So…. what’s changed ? Nothing !!!” I never refer to him as my half-brother and barely give any credence to the fact that my Dad was not his Dad. So… is it OK for me to still be allowing myself to feel that he’s my “real” brother ? I think it is !
{{HUG}} Tina
I have just unlearned two big things:
1. That I am very capable of changing my thoughts mid panic and mid over whelm. This comes in very handy while learning how to ride a motorbike.
2. When I feel incomplete, it is my job to fill myself in all the empty, broken places. It is not anyone else’s job to do that for me, and it is my job to accept their love and support however they choose to give it.
Craig:
Great post! I believe this idea of unlearning is so important that I have created a website, http://www.unlearning101.com, dedicated exclsuively to the concept. I invite you and your readers to visit it.
Jack Uldrich
Hi Graig from Greece.
I run into your site accidentically and I have loved everything I have read so far… I have unlearned recently the fear of being myself. I grew up in a family that fostered fear to control its members. I used to work for 2,5 years for a boss that used fear to control his employees (to cover his own insecurity). I had learned (and many women of my generation) that I had to be “nice” and submissive in order to gain the favor of the people in control, in order to be accepted, promoted, etc. However, there comes a time that enough is enough; I decided to unlearn all these and be happy with my own personality, my beliefs, my rules, my power, my life. For me now, the sky is the limit… I feel free.
“Trading In The Zone” by Mark Douglas is the best there is, for a dissertation on belief.