thank you for this article.

1. Have you ever been on the receiving end of any unwanted coaching?
Only for the last 28 years

2. Have you wasted time and energy trying to change people?
Yes, thinking that they actually wanted advice. I hope I am becoming more aware of those who don’t actually want to hear.

3. How do you deal with unwanted advice and feedback?
Ignore it. which is easy to do if it’s people you don’t live with not so easy with the one I do live with. He gets told to stop trying to tell me what to do – why hasn’t he learned yet?

4. Have any of your relationships been damaged (or maybe destroyed) because of this phenomenon?
You said it – “For the most part, this type of input is more likely to result in resentment, anger and disconnection than it is in any kind of lasting positive transformation or feel-good experience.”

Oh and one comment I found the opening shot of this wonderful article offensive really…why the finger? Turn off made me wince through article as I tried to block her out…she would have been fine with just arms crossed…Is that ADVICE??? lol

I’ve never commented on your blog before but felt compelled this time. First off, great post! And superlative wisdom, if ever I read any.

I used to be the quintessential advice-giver and unwelcome mentor, but I learned my lesson. Now for the most part, I keep it to myself or use the trick of getting the other person to think they thought of the idea. Especially with my 21 yr old daughter. We get along very well now.:-)

Then there’s my wife, who has taken to incessant nagging and complaining. I’ve simply told her : 1. It doesn’t do any good, and 2. I refuse to spend the rest of my life with a nagging wife so it’s her choice: lighten up or be excluded from my life. She continues to nag and complain. Oh well, after all, it IS her choice.

Keep up the great writing and advice – be assured, it’s wanted!:-)

Owen

Owen

Great post – specially the reference to changing ourselves. I often tell my friends and family who want to see change in others that they need to make a list of what they don’t like about that person and then go and look in the mirror and see if any of those issues actually reflect who you are. That mirror and I have become good friends !!!
Of course the only time one can give “advice” is when dealing with your children, cause as I tell my sons who are both young men now – I can because I am their mom and that is my job.:)
Have a good day
Cheryl

I, during my 35 years, have managed to address (for the most part) my food fight (not the cool type where it’s an “all-in” like in the movies – but a battle to learn to eat for hunger & fuel rather than for emotional needs) and am very much a lover of all things fitness.

So in response to her request for help, we started to talk about exercise (both intended and incidental) and nutrition. I talked to her about the need to put a plan together to improve her health – ie. if we fail to plan we plan to fail.

But I didn’t realise until too late that her request for assistance and support didn’t mean she actually wanted assistance and support – it turned out she wanted to hear what she wanted to hear – and what she needed to hear was most unwelcome.

I became stuck in a position where I could not bear to hear myself say the things she was willing to listen to, like: you’re not that overweight, you’re health isn’t that bad etc. and she couldn’t bear to hear me say the things I did and truly believe you need to do in order to get your health on track. I feared that if I just gave her an easy out – she’ll die way sooner than she should – so instead I stood my ground, and well ….

Her parting words to me were too unsavoury to publish here but let’s just say that in response to your question 4: Have any of your relationships been damaged (or maybe destroyed) because of this phenomenon? … my response is …. sadly yes …

Absolutely agree with …. ‘we can grieve over what we cant change about our past’ (thank god)… and LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF’ concrete shoes mafia’ where the hell did you get that from:)

I like to be self sufficient and to that end I study. I completed a personal training course at great expense because I believe we must all be responsible for our own health and well being. My laziness is in not going to the gym nearly as often as I should.

We are all guilty of not taking our own advice. We all make excuses for not taking action on something we know we should. I’m sure even Mr Harper can’t counter that.