A Waste of Time
Trying to change another person; what an exercise in futility, frustration and time-wasting that is. Have you ever tried? Kinda pointless and painful isn’t it? It amazes me how many people seem to believe that badgering, annoying, criticizing and providing unwanted advice will somehow (1) be well received or (2) help transform someone into a better person. On what evidence could anyone possibly draw that conclusion? Rest my case. Nonetheless, it happens constantly. For the most part, this type of input is more likely to result in resentment, anger and disconnection than it is in any kind of lasting positive transformation or feel-good experience.
Tip 1. Don’t offer advice unless it’s asked for or you’re certain it will be well-received. Often our ‘helping’ is their annoying.
Annoying Craig
As much as it pains me to admit, I’ve done it myself. When I was younger and dumber I spent years trying to ‘help’ my darling mother quit smoking (which she later did with zero assistance from me). The fact that she didn’t want to give up (at that time) was totally irrelevant and unimportant to me. My motives were good so that’s all that mattered… right? Wrong. The only ‘result’ I created was a short, angry, chain-smoking woman who didn’t want to talk to me. And I can’t be certain… but I think she spat in my dinner sometimes. 
Great work Captain Transformation.
But it’s For Your Own Good!
Famous last words aren’t they? ”It’s only because I want what’s best for you.” The inference being that I know more about your needs than you do – how lucky are you to have me in your world? How noble, generous and/or selfless our intentions are is irrelevant when our words are directed at someone who hasn’t sought our counsel and clearly doesn’t want our help. The I know better than you school of thought doesn’t produce too many winners.
Tip 2. When the student is ready, the teacher will appear. The lesson is there for the person who is ready to open their eyes (prying them open with a crowbar ain’t the plan).
The Fixer
It’s true that many of us invest too much time and energy, where it’s not wanted, valued or appreciated. Or productive. Putting it simply, some of us should let go of the need we have to fix other people’s lives, situations and relationships. Some people call this interference . It’s important that we have an ability (that is, a level of awareness and consciousness) to open our eyes and see what’s really going on beyond our point of view and beyond our version of reality. Seeing a situation (issue, challenge, problem) from our perspective only, is a recipe for disaster because we’ll never create connection. The irony is that many ’Fixers’ are so busy telling others what to do and how to be that they don’t see the toxic weeds growing in their own garden.
Tip 3. You can encourage, support, advise and mentor as many people as you like but the only person you’ll ever change is you.
Be the change you want to see in your world Grasshoppers and choose to teach and inspire others through what you do, not what you say. 
Some Chat Points:
1. Have you ever been on the receiving end of any unwanted coaching?
2. Have you wasted time and energy trying to change people?
3. How do you deal with unwanted advice and feedback?
4. Have any of your relationships been damaged (or maybe destroyed) because of this phenomenon?
Love to hear your thoughts… xx
{ 36 comments… read them below or add one }
Fortunately for me, this is a point a got a long time ago. You can’t change other people. You can influence them, but you can’t change them. Believing you can or trying to control other, in me experience, usually leads to using manipulative tactics and in the end, sabotaging your relations with others.
Eduard
1. Have you ever been on the receiving end of any unwanted coaching?
2. Have you wasted time and energy trying to change people?
3. How do you deal with unwanted advice and feedback?
4. Have any of your relationships been damaged (or maybe destroyed) because of this phenomenon?
Yes
Yes
I don’t
Oh hell yeah Stephen, Ross, Terry, my neice etc etc, Craig (not you I wil ruin that at Rydges when we meet
This blog will be full of comments telling all that we should not change another. That is taken for granted. But I think if we just forgive ourselves and always step back when wanting to give advice. It is hard when we see anyone one, or pet even, we care about in crises, sick or whatever, but as much as possible step back.
That’s my view anyway and my advice to you is you must accept what I have written it is for your own good
Thanks Craig,
I have tried so many times to change my mums attitude towards life, but I dont think she wants to change it. I will open my eyes and realise that she can only change herself.
You made me think today……………………cheers.
It’s so easy to forget this sometimes… thanks for the reminder! Also, trying to change (or criticise) others make us feel and seem like horrible people. Why not accept people for who they are, flaws and all?
and then feel better about ourselves in the process? 
:)
I love your posts craig!! I am a self confessed scaredy cat coming out of the dark… keep up the good work!
xx
Great article Craig. I relapse every now and then telling people what they should do and you’re right. IT’S A WASTE OF TIME. My mother smokes and I tell her that she should stop smoking. I don’t do it as much as I use to. But I’m going to stop cold turkey because it’s her life. I can only focus on me. I have to keep moving forward. BTW I still love her. Thanks Craig.
Honestly, I have SO had my fill of people trying to change me to be more like them that I even raise my kids with the ‘they have to want it for themselves’ attitude, much to the dismay of school systems, and society in general, who seem to believe that ‘controlling’ them is imperative. Now that doesn’t mean I don’t try to influence them.
My son is a very stubborn sort, who was long determined to prove that the tail does in fact wag the dog. He was insistent that the world around him should adapt to the way he wanted to do things. Various forms of incentive (a.k.a. bribery) were essentially pointless. I could offer him something that I knew he REALLY wanted, in exchange for something that was ultimately in his best interest. After a brief period of compliance, he would decide that he no longer wanted whatever was promised. (It did actually work once, when I traded him a car for a GED. He was 20. Offering him a trip to Ireland upon graduation didn’t keep him from dropping out of college, though. Yes, college was 100% his choice.)
Now, in spite of his stubborn insistence on doing things his own way, he is hard-working, respectful, helpful, good-hearted, and has never been in any kind of trouble outside of mouthing off to an occasional teacher. I think he actually turned out alright! I guess I’ll keep him!
I am a rather low-key person, friendly but not really outgoing, non-competitive, content to do my own thing rather than be part of a group. Of course, the majority of society seems to believe that active, outgoing, competitve, and group-oriented is the ‘best’ way to be. So, I have long been ‘encouraged’ (nagged) to be more like them and less like me. It took years of thinking something was ‘wrong’ with me before I finally realized that I am fine with me. I think I’ll keep me!
Have a great day!
Sandra
Hi Craig,
1. Yep, I can remember about 8 o 9 years my mum nagging me, every time I visited her, about losing weight. Of course, being your mum I guess she had all the ‘right’ reasons to nag – I only want the best for you, etc…..even so, yes, it was annoying. And….yes, I did lose weight all on my own, when I was ready.
2. Oh, yeah !! Allen Carr’s, How To Quit Smoking, sits on our kitchen bench as I type ( if it hasn’t been buried in paperwork ). By the looks of the ‘doggy ears’ on it, only a few pages have been read – about 2 months ago. No change in behaviour.
I have actually given up nagging, suggesting, nudging etc….realising it did no good. I still have faith in Allen Carr’s book -though – when it gets read.
Smoking seems to be the most difficult thing for people to stop. I actually sympathise a lot with smokers ( this probably still won’t help ). But yes, I’ve given up the nagging and….I switch channels when those gruesome ( but real ) anti smoking ads come on.
Teach and inspire through what we do, not what we say……yes, good point ! I think this works best. We are all human and we’re all ultimately responsible for our own health and well being.
“The most important person to be honest with is yourself” – I like that saying. Very true.
Have a great day all !
Mon ( )
Cheers Eduard
Michael… funny boy…
That’s my job Anon. Thanks for being a good student.
Welcome into the blogosphere Vikki! See, that wasn’t too painful was it?
Don’t be a stranger
x
You’re welcome Omar.
We love you just the way you are Sandra…
Cheers Mon
x
thanks for the great tip of spitting in annoying peoples dinner!!!
there are a few people i owe dinner now.
Note to self: don’t eat dinner at Tracy’s…
Hi Craig,
My sister is someone I would dearly love to change. 8 children to 4 different fathers. No motivation to have a career or aspire to do anything. It seems smoking is her full time job. (yes, even while pregnant) She will be a rolemodel for her children….what a disapointment. In fact it p#$?%@ me off. Will she ever see the light and change her feral ways??? I hope so. I have given up trying.
I think at times why cant people mind their own business??!!!…at the gym for 1 instance, I used to cop this annoying woman and HER ways of lifting weights….ok so she thought I needed help. Maybe I am too approachable?? I did have a fab PT for 4 years ,btw ,who did show me the RIGHT way to use weights, so I knew !!!!! ( well I think I did…now Im questioning myself??wot the?!)… I would see her coming, she would make a bee line for me each time ……What did I do? I politely told her thanks with a smile, and said Im always up for advice, but I think by the end of her “coaching” she got the message, funny how people can get the hint with a smile and a thank you???! So go away all you know it alls, us people who mind our own business are ok and want to be left alone…. and if we want advice we will ask!!!
Now that feels better catcha x
Hi Carla
Don’t let one unhappy existence become two. That is, don’t invest your time and emotional energy poorly. Don’t stress yourself with things beyond your control. Love your sister but let go of the things you can’t change (her choices, attitude and behaviours). I’m sure she knows you’re there if she needs help to turn her life around but the change process needs to be initiated by her.
Letting go doesn’t mean you don’t care, by the way.
x
Captain Transformation, haha, having visuals of you flying in, in your cape! Hope its blue…
1. Have you ever been on the receiving end of any unwanted coaching?
Aboslutely and I had to tell the person I didnt want them as mentor and that I had some already. I had this alcholic in the marketing department who whilst a great writer, high maintenance, and well people really weren’t his thing.
Now whilst his strength definantely was not speed ie took about a mth for one document to come back his pefectionisum level was so high nothing got turnt around, especailly helpful when dealing with media.
Anyway at the time I managed over 30 marketing projects and all clients as this is more my thing ( no one wanted to deal with him) and he said that he felt I should be coached by him in proof reading and writing now whilst I wanted to say the entire .company cant stand you and we are benig gracious keeping you here I kindly just pointed out I had mentors (name dropped a couple) and left it he later brought me chocolates and a bob the builder card to say sorry (and yes I was meant to giggle like girl and act appreciative).. like I was offended … more insulted
2. Have you wasted time and energy trying to change people?
Yes, but now I dont so much.
3. How do you deal with unwanted advice and feedback? As above I dont take it on, or i point out that for everything they can say is wrong with me, I have 100 things wrong with them…
4. Have any of your relationships been damaged (or maybe destroyed) because of this phenomenon? mmm one comes to mind but I didnt like her anyway .. however in retrospect i do think I use to be too much into the motivating others and not focussing on me… blah blah help people at the cost of myself and have realised the only real relationship that was effected was the relationship with me.. and hence my life… (i feel a change coming)!
As last nights cool down sung…. BE THE CHANGE YOU WANT TO SEE IN THE WORLD …and in the words of RPM .. PUT IT IN THE LEGS (gee thats hard)
Michael…
That’s my view anyway and my advice to you is you must accept what I have written it is for your own good (HAHA TO YOU)
Amen brother Craig! You have taught me this lesson very well and it has saved me a lot of grief – you can’t change other people. One of my favorite quotes is from – I think – Wayne Dyer who says never underestimate your ability to change or over estimate your ability to change someone else.
I myself resisted changing my eating habits and life for over 10 years. No matter what anyone said, I liked the idea of change, but not the work. If we could just ask a magical genie to snap her fingers, wiggle her nose or blink her eyes and change us it would be easy. But alas, it really does take work and I’ve realized that it’s through the struggle, the work, the stress and the difficulty that we change and grow.
Thanks for the reminder!
- Steve in CA
I’m very glad to say that this is one sin that I am not guilty of. It’s hard enough to work on yourself than trying to improve others. In fact it takes a lifetime.
As unfortunate as it is for me to say, there are those that are not worth the effort anyway. I’m not being unfeeling – I refer to those that just don’t care, those that don’t give thought to how their actions might impact on others. I just ignore them. I don’t devote any of my energy to them. (Excuse me while I vent my spleen!)
The question I would ask is how can I pass this advice on to others without them taking it as a insult or a slap in the face?
Advice? oh yep Ive been given heaps from your going to die if you dont lose weight to arent you ashamed oh how big you are.To if only you didnt eat that or this or you should walk that off and those clothes dont suit you. If only i didnt breath people would shut up.
And the best one ever” Im only trying to help you thats all” they can help by leaving me alone i happen to live in this body and i know whats going on with it…. funny that.
but yes i also give advice and have given that up as the person in question doesnt listen so why waste my breath.
My friend and i dont hardly talk anymore as she always said my place was untidy or dirty yet when i went to her house i had to fight my way through the take away containers and numerous cans of coke some full some empty. Funny, how we are always nit picked about what is wrong with us and yet when we stand up for ourselves we are called bitches ( as i was at school) or snobs. How is wanting better for you being a snob or bitch. Has anyone got the answer to that one?
I guess to you can say to people how do u know about me when your not me to begin with?
What I find quite difficult is when people come for advice, through the services I offer and then don’t take it. It is amazingly interesting to have people pay you for your sound advice, which requires hard work, discipline and those non-negotiable behaviours, all of which you have done and continue to do yourself and then still complain that it is everyone elses fault that they cannot reach their goals. For instance, I have to have “treats” for my kids. Q and A Why and you don’t have to eat them. It does my head in sometimes and I have to practise much restraint to stop slapping them sideways. WE have become world of Lazy, convenient slobs. Well 50% of us anyway.
So my question is How honest are we any way when people ask for advise and this includes does my arse look big in this.
P.S Now its hot everyone will start complaining about the heat rather than the cold, even though we cannot change it.
Hi Gail,
I have no answers only solutions ! HAHA only joking.
How is wanting better for you being a snob or bitch. Has anyone got the answer to that one? Well if you are female chances are you will be called this at least once daily (either behind your back or to your face)…. Just come down to a gender thing:)
Note to self don’t read Kate’s postings
Good advice to self.
Carla Craig’s comment about letting go, letting go does not mean seperation. I know you might look at the children and go oh hell and that is natural and understanding.
But it is their journey. Yes of course if something is wrong you would intervene but changing attitudes, running yourself ragged so to speak to change someone, is like the cliche beating yourself against a brick wall. It is like with my friend Stephen who will not talk to me now. I know his past issues over his 40 years have affected the outcomes of my friendship with him. But I learnt I cannot say to him his mum did not mean to give him up for adoption. It is like a hot coal if I touch that subject, it is his journey so if he wants to feel rejected by all based on what happened 41 years ago, and in the process lose me and I miss his friendship a lot, I can’t lie, that is his journey.
I just feel that what we can’t change is ok to be grieved and get upset over especially others’ behavours but again the lesson is to try to change someone unless you are part of the concrete shoes mafia (an offer too good to refuse) it is best not to, for you, not for them.
Answers
1. yes
2. no
3. I’d love to see you point of view but I cant get my head up my a#$% that far.
4. absolutley, I’m divorced.
Can I also add to your tip 1. Dont give advice unless it’s asked for… I alway reply with “do you want my opinion or do you want me to tell you what you want to hear?”
That would be ego. We just want someone to listen to us.
I like to be self sufficient and to that end I study. I completed a personal training course at great expense because I believe we must all be responsible for our own health and well being. My laziness is in not going to the gym nearly as often as I should.
We are all guilty of not taking our own advice. We all make excuses for not taking action on something we know we should. I’m sure even Mr Harper can’t counter that.
Kate,
I think we need a tee shirt that says “Bitch and proud of it” lol.
hey Michael, If you are reading this… you havent taken your own advice! but since your here anyway..
Absolutely agree with …. ‘we can grieve over what we cant change about our past’ (thank god)… and LAUGHING MY HEAD OFF’ concrete shoes mafia’ where the hell did you get that from:)
My sister said to me, “I really need your help to get my health sorted out”. She falls into the upper end of the obese weight category, has heart issues and has used drugs for extended periods throughout her 38 years. She was staying at my house for a few days on a visit to Brisbane earlier this year.
I, during my 35 years, have managed to address (for the most part) my food fight (not the cool type where it’s an “all-in” like in the movies – but a battle to learn to eat for hunger & fuel rather than for emotional needs) and am very much a lover of all things fitness.
So in response to her request for help, we started to talk about exercise (both intended and incidental) and nutrition. I talked to her about the need to put a plan together to improve her health – ie. if we fail to plan we plan to fail.
But I didn’t realise until too late that her request for assistance and support didn’t mean she actually wanted assistance and support – it turned out she wanted to hear what she wanted to hear – and what she needed to hear was most unwelcome.
I became stuck in a position where I could not bear to hear myself say the things she was willing to listen to, like: you’re not that overweight, you’re health isn’t that bad etc. and she couldn’t bear to hear me say the things I did and truly believe you need to do in order to get your health on track. I feared that if I just gave her an easy out – she’ll die way sooner than she should – so instead I stood my ground, and well ….
Her parting words to me were too unsavoury to publish here but let’s just say that in response to your question 4: Have any of your relationships been damaged (or maybe destroyed) because of this phenomenon? … my response is …. sadly yes …
Hey Craig,
Great post – specially the reference to changing ourselves. I often tell my friends and family who want to see change in others that they need to make a list of what they don’t like about that person and then go and look in the mirror and see if any of those issues actually reflect who you are. That mirror and I have become good friends !!!
Of course the only time one can give “advice” is when dealing with your children, cause as I tell my sons who are both young men now – I can because I am their mom and that is my job.:)
Have a good day
Cheryl
I like your site and your materials and this article came up to me ‘being angry at someone is like taking poison and expecting them to drop dead’. I am a business coach and my wife is one of my clients. If I forget to identify the ‘hat’ I’m wearing, coach or husband, I can cause a bit of trouble. It’s all about setting up the ‘hearing’; I totally agree with you. Please visit my site, http://www.doityourselflifecoach.com; I’d love to hear what you think of my materials. I extend an open invite to be a ‘guest’ writer on the site if you’d like.
Cheers from Chicago
Craig,
I’ve never commented on your blog before but felt compelled this time. First off, great post! And superlative wisdom, if ever I read any.
I used to be the quintessential advice-giver and unwelcome mentor, but I learned my lesson. Now for the most part, I keep it to myself or use the trick of getting the other person to think they thought of the idea. Especially with my 21 yr old daughter. We get along very well now.:-)
Then there’s my wife, who has taken to incessant nagging and complaining. I’ve simply told her : 1. It doesn’t do any good, and 2. I refuse to spend the rest of my life with a nagging wife so it’s her choice: lighten up or be excluded from my life. She continues to nag and complain. Oh well, after all, it IS her choice.
Keep up the great writing and advice – be assured, it’s wanted!:-)
Owen
Owen