Oat Alert!
This morning I ran out of oats. A minor catastrophe at my house. But being the accomplished and adaptable survivalist that I am, I heroically and bravely made my way to the oats shop. More commonly known as the local supermarket. Which happens to be four hundreds metres down the road from my place. Being the highly-tuned elite endurance athlete that I am, I decided to walk the entire journey. Yep, the whole way. There and back. Eight hundred metre round tip. Freaky I know. Don’t panic; I warmed up and stretched first. And I paced myself. Don’t be disheartened and keep in mind – I’m a trained fitness professional.
But Wait… There’s More…
But as exciting and gripping as my oats story is, 
the real story was a small gathering of bike-riding, alpha-males who were off their bikes and assembled outside the bakery next door to the afore-mentioned supermarket. By the way, what do we call a gathering of cyclists who have dismounted their steeds? A flock? A herd? A gaggle? A swarm? Not sure? Me either. If you do know, fill us in.
Anyway, as I walked towards the group (gaggle, flock) I could smell the testosterone, the coffee, the pastries, the body odour and the bullshit. In case you don’t know, that’s what men do in such tribal gatherings: eat food and talk shit. It’s therapeutic, instinctive and almost involuntary. Kind of like breathing; we don’t really know we’re doing it until someone points it out. As I walked through the middle of the group (swarm, herd) – they were sitting at tables on the footpath (sidewalk) – I felt as though I was momentarily stepping into their special space. Their private club. Their looks informed me that I wasn’t a member.
Why We Have Clubs
Because that’s what it is: a club. Their own special club. Or we could call it a tribe. Family. Gang. Group. Whatever we choose to call it, it all means the same thing: a place to belong, to connect with others, to be a part of something bigger than us (individually) and to feel secure. And that’s what we all want: connection with others and security. People who have no social or emotional connection are invariably miserable because we are all hard-wired to connect. It’s what we do. It’s what we need. When I came out of the supermarket – oats in hand – I stood back and observed the alpha-male gathering. There were twelve of them, of which nine were either chubby or fat (no judgment, just an observation). The average age would have been late forties to early fifties, all of them were clad in Lycra (Spandex) - my pet hate – and all of them had what appeared to be, unnecessarily expensive road bikes for blokes who were clearly not.. er… elite cyclists. For a moment I wondered why they did it. What was the point? Was it purely a fitness thing? Their fat guts told me, probably not. A health thing? The excessive consumption of pastries (at 7 am) answered that question too. The special Lycra outfits? Really hope not. The awesome coffee from the bakery? Doubt it.
* By the way, why doesn’t it occur to (some) blokes that fat stomachs and Lycra body suits should never be seen together? Just a thought.
No, they did it.. do it… because all that stuff – the over-priced bikes, the coffee, the food, the special riding gear – allows them to be part of that ‘club’…which in turn allows them to do what they really want - connect with other blokes and belong to a family. It’s not about the bikes, the food, the coffee or the embarrassing club uniform, it’s about spending time with people. Mates. Buddies. It’s about being a part of something. Needed. Valued. Wanted. And maybe it’s about having fun without the missus around 
.
Ron’s Gang
My dad has his own gang: a walking gang. Every day he and his gang get together to walk, talk, drink coffee and of course, connect. He loves it and it’s good for him physically, emotionally, psychologically and sociologically. It’s healthy on a bunch of levels. It’s a way of connecting, belonging and being needed; all crucial for us very social and emotional creatures. It’s also good for Mary (my mum) because she gets him out of her hair for an hour or two . After two hundred years (or so) of marriage, a little space is important. Speaking of the very lovely Mary, she’s part of a gang too. Her gym gang. Yep, Mary hits the weight room most days (at a ladies-only gym) and enjoys her own little slice of Ron-free heaven, while simultaneously connecting with the girls.
Other Gangs
Some people belong to a gang called church. Others, a club called AA. Some are Trekkies. Or Emos. Bodybuilders. Street-racers. Marathon runners. Bikers. Some belong to Mensa (not me). And Some belong to a gang called the Bulls. Or the Bucks. The 49ers. The Blues. The Eagles. The Saints. In some ways me-dot-com is a club too. A gang. A place for you and me to hang out without leaving the house (or office). A place that’s safe. Familiar. A place to meet like-minded people. To belong. To be heard. To exchange ideas. And a place to connect.
You’re always welcome in my club.
As long as you’re not wearing Lycra. xx
{ 41 comments… read them below or add one }
Now, Craig, don’t be too hard on the little Lycra-clad Teletubbies. I think it’s really cute that they have the confidence to be so completely unembarrassed about their appearance – a bit like the first time your son dresses himself and he follows you through the supermarket thinking that he looks just gorgeous whilst you’re trying to pretend that he belongs to the woman three trolleys ahead. Or maybe that’s just me.
Oh, and I think the collection noun is ‘chaingang’ but I could be wrong.
Have an amazing Wednesday.
Christina xxx
Well as I said to CJ in last week’s blog Craig I wear speedos and I have a gut, sorry if that offends but it’s better for my water exercises.
And what about you and your army shorts
My dear mate, I am so in agreeance with you on this one. There should be a law against men wearing lycra, (spandex) unless your competing in the Olympics. I reckon 90% of the bike riders I see, and know, are like your bakery club blokes and should just drive to the coffee shop and remain fully clothed.
Can we get a petition going for those who think bike lycra should be banned???
Hi everyone,
Don’t you love having our sensai / drill sergeant / friend / 30 (plus?) % den mother to keep us all motivated and amused? I do too.
The lycra thing i get (but you keep on rockin it Michael) however, what is not hot about army shorts on a dude?
It’s the cycling fraternity, Craig. I was a part of it. And I will be a part of it again when I look reasonably ‘good looking’ in my lycra again. Was gettin’ close when I got down to 70kg last September.
Actually – it’s called ‘a bunch.’ Cyclists do bunch (group) rides. I’m assuming they are still a ‘bunch’ when they’re off the bike?
“…unnecessarily expensive road bikes” – oooooh, watch your language, mate!! You’re treading on rough water there. Nah, you’re right though – it isn’t all about the bike. In fact, I bet you’ve said this a zillion times before – its not about the equipment… Owning a flashy road bike worth multiple thousand doens’t make you ‘a cyclist’ any more than owning a surf board makes you a surfer or holding a current gym membership doesn’t make you healthy, fit and strong. [One of my pet hates is people who say they surf, yet couldn't stand up for more than 2 milliseconds. That's an observation, not a judgement. I've never tried to surf. Probably never will]. In order to ‘be something’ you need to ‘do something’ – whether that be get our butt ON the bike, out in the water, in the gym or whatever.
The moral of the story is that to look the part you have to act the part. It’s not just about the flashy bike – you have to eat well, ride well, be fit (to keep up with the bunch) and be strong (to get out of the saddle in the hills). You can’t just talk the lingo and expect to be whatever it is you talk about.
Gee – Jules is learning at a rapid rate now! I’m walkin’ my talk now – I’m applying the shit I’m learning. Still have a shit load of issues/challenges to work through though. All in good time, hey Coach/Mentor Craig?
Hey – that’ll teach me to not jump the gun and comment before I finish reading the post!
“You’re always welcome in my club.” What club?
TEAM AMAZING
Maybe if I build it, they will come? http://www.TeamAmazing.com will be live soon. Watch this space. (I’m sick of you procrastinating!)
It’ll be a gang of people who have an AMAZING attitude and the desire to DO, BE, THINK AND CREATE AMAZING in their life across all areas. If you wanna join before we go ‘live’ – let me know here. It’ll be free
Although, I have an exciting vision to have our own TEAM AMAZING attire so we can spread the word about craigharper.com and doing and being amazing – coz anyone can. The gear will cost ya! Anyone wanna help me with designs and stuff?
(Sorry – I’m taking over now. I’m gettin’ excited!)
You’re right Lisa – I totally rock in my army shorts.
No, really.
Chaingang? Not sure about that Christina. I like herd
x
Hey Michael. What I love about my army shorts is that they are multi-purpose. The ony thing I can’t do in them is corporate presentations and get married.
Looks like I’ll never get married then.
About time you stopped disagreeing with me Vincent!
Jules – it was your idea and concept – the only one who has procrasitnated with it is… YOU BABY. Start building.
You’re right, Craig. It was my brainchild, wasn’t it – about this time last year if I recall correctly? BUT… you said you’d workshop it with your Team and you kept saying… Hey, it doesn’t matter now because **I’ve started building it**. It’s going to be TeamAmazing.org (.org is for organisations and clubs – we’ll be a club so we are eligible ‘.org’ers’!).The domain, TeamAmazing.com was taken
–> take home lesson: long term prorastination has some unpleasant consequences.
I’m off now to get ready for my AMAZING PT session with Gav
A ‘bunch’ of lycra clad male cyclist? AKA …..’land loving budgie smugglers’
Does that mean I can’t be a Craig Harper groupie anymore? I’m kinda partial to lycra. It’s so comfy
Maybe a collective noun for that group of cyclists could be a cross between peloton and pedestrian. Maybe a “pedestrioton” or a “pelestrion”. (Or maybe that’s just shit.)
Yeah, got the message … I’ll go now!
Have a super-duper day everyone.
Em
( ) x
I believe the term for a group of lycra clad gents is an ‘eyesore’ …
Here in Brisbane – we have an eyesore of cyclists who not only love the spandex, but they love it in white – head to toe – white …. and tight ……
… ew ….
Choked on my cereal as I read, very funny… Nothing better than seeing skinny pasty white legs and bulbous bellies held together with lycra; particularly before you’ve eaten! Whilst mesmerised by similar sights here in Sydney, I continue to wonder how these unique man-clans continue to expand…perhaps the allure of a common scent, conversation and croissants ensure both, the ongoing expansion of numbers as well as waistlines…excellent!
Too funny JB
Em – you’re a girl and you don’t own a beer gut, so you’re okay in the Lycra.
Allyson – you win; an EYESORE it is. Contact Johnny today and we’ll send you a me-dot-com shirt for being a clever girl
(email him via the site)
STUMPY! Nice to hear from you – thanks for stopping by and saying hi. No, they’re not nearly as cool as you and I were back in the day….
Remember the orange wagon? Now THAT was sex on wheels. Especially when loaded with nine tons of chlorine.
Cheers Big Ears.
There something about extremes that I don’t understand. Pregnant women, is one. Men in lycra is another.
I’ve seen women go from being SO prim and proper about never flashing their nether regions – even to their husbands – and always maintaining the image of “a lady”. Until they’re pregnant. Then there seems to be a flick of a switch and it’s suddenly OK for every man and his dog (so it seems) to either be present at the birth, watch the video of it or observe as they flop a boob out in public to breastfeed. Yes, I’m generalising but no, I’m not judging. Just observing.
Now, on the male side, it’s all alpha-male bluff and bluster about how big they are as men, and that includes – most importantly – their equipment. Or they panic that it’s not big enough and need constant approval/confirmation/etc. Until they join the lycra-clad ranks of a cycling “eyesore” (very good, Allyson). Then they seem to be very proud to show the world how small their equipment really is. And in shiny lycra that only screams “hey, check out my puny bits and fat gut!” – which, incidently, is only gonna make anything else appear even smaller by comparison!
Ah-huh! I’ve got it. It’s hormones. Clearly so in the case of pregnant women. And now I think we can surmise that there are hormones in lycra that can be absorbed through the skin! Oh my god!! A medical outrage!
It called a pack! The one you saw sounds like a filthy one… but then again you may be comparing to your high standards.. we will never know!
I remember the first time I saw a guy in full lycra I almost died.. now however most of my male friends, shave there legs and where spandex! No where else but in a gym would this be acceptable… I must say though at least the guys I know earn theres.
Its good to be part of!
Anyway gangs a great.. must be a major gang ba
Vin I have to disagree with you about banning lycra – Case for the defense:
Adelaide in January – The Tour Down Under. Elite cyclists from all over the world. I reckon they look pretty darn (droolingly) good in their lycra. Oh and their bike riding ability aint half bad either.
Oh and Breaking news……….Craig, your garden is now famous in Adelaide too. A a couple of Adelaide mega mega celebrities have seen the photos of your fabulous garden makeover and are in raptures. They have asked me to pass on this message to you Craig:
Dear Craig,
We saw the lovely photos of your new backyard yesterday and we would love to visit you for morning tea.
Yours sincerely
Wang Wang and Funi
“Hey Michael. What I love about my army shorts is that they are multi-purpose. The ony thing I can’t do in them is corporate presentations and get married.
Looks like I’ll never get married then.”
Laughing so hard
So why the offence about what others’ wear? I’m sure a lot of them don’t care. If you have an issue don’t look. This is not a country where you are told what to wear (mostly). Just seems strange to one day put on the blog don’t care what others think then to turn around and condem fat blokes in bike pants. What would you prefer them sitting with beer and chips in front of TV locked behind doors so it does not offend the fashion/morals police?
(I think Craig i’m overthinking on this blog post (slaps self)
Oh another thing the tradespeople that turned up to wash the house, this young bloke gets out of the car no shirt, boardies down to knees, bum crack and undies showing. Now that didn’t inspire confidence LOL.
Gezz, funny, yesterday there was a post from CJ on how she decided to bite the bullet and ware shorts, something she has never worn before to the gym (because of self image concerns). CJ finally got the nerve to wear them only to claim that no one noticed. Today I realise the whole world does notice when a not so trim man wears his lycra, which obviously means that people did notice CJ in her shorts (we just havent found the blog where the comments are posted)
I’m way past what you would consider the ideal looking cyclist but I did manage to complete a 700km bike ride, have completed the famous sydney to wollongong for 5 years now as well as other rides and adventure, something i would say a lot of people here would not or could not do. I wear lycra the so that my less than aero dynamic body was somewhat aero dynamic, cool, and not chafed all good valid reasons. I momentarily noticed myself slip into the self doubt of hopping on my bike this weekend because I look like shit and what would everyone think of me in lycra on a bike, but I saw the better of my ways and chose not to be brought down by the ridicule of others.
Call it un-Australian for a bloke to not be able to take a knock on the chin and have a laugh, but for some reason this has come over to scathing and hypocritical for my liking.
There’s a fellow in our city known for walking around with lycra shorts and a bright lycra thong over top of it…tank top and a big floppy woven hat to complete the ensemble. He’s known as “thong man” – gives me a smile and laugh just thinking about it…
Hi Fat Cyclist.
Wasn’t intending to offend you (or anyone) but clearly I did. My apologies to you.
Too funny Cdn friend
Thanks Wang Wang, Funi and Leanne…
x
Amusing as always Suz.. x
Cheers Kate
Sweet! A ‘clever girl’ award – thanks Craig – I’ll email Johnny now.
A Zen Teacher saw five of his students return from the market, riding their bicycles. When they had dismounted, the teacher asked the students, “Why are you riding your bicycles?”
The first student replied, “The bicycle is carrying this sack of potatoes. I am glad that I do not have to carry them on my back!” The teacher praised the student, saying, “You are a smart boy. When you grow old, you will not walk hunched over, as I do.”
The second student replied, “I love to watch the trees and fields pass by as I roll down the path.” The teacher commended the student, “Your eyes are open and you see the world.”
The third student replied, “When I ride my bicycle, I am content to chant, nam myoho renge kyo.” The teacher gave praise to the third student, “Your mind will roll with the ease of a newly trued wheel.”
The fourth student answered, “Riding my bicycle, I live in harmony with all beings.” The teacher was pleased and said, “You are riding on the golden path of non-harming.”
The fifth student retorted, “I ride so as my belly does not become big like yours!” The master laughed, “Craig, if you sit too long lecturing from the sofa in your thatched hut, you too will get big belly like me and have many disciples!”
The sixth student replied, “I ride my bicycle to ride my bicycle.” The teacher went and sat at the feet of the fifth student, and said, “I am your disciple.”
Whoa, back up there, did I hear you say you’re not married? So that motivational beach hut office space is built for one. Mmm………
Seriously tho, where I live bike riding is huge, and so is the lycra, but it’s kinda like a uniform and I respect that. To me it shows that you’re keen and devoted to what you do. When I first started going to the gym/personal trainer I didn’t so much as own a pair of track pants. So I went and bought some work out gear from the sports shop and it just helped to get me into the right head space, and I kinda felt proud to be wearing it. 14 months later I just rock up as daggy as, but it was an initiation process. Good on em I say…..And so you haven’t thought about giving up those army shorts in case that’s whats holding you back, mmm some more……….
Hey “Fat Cyclist,”
It’s not You, it’s just the Suit!
You’re right in my case, I couldn’t compete with your riding ability. (it’s a bone dysplasia that keeps me off the bike.)
To me, “fat” is the real F-word, I try not to get offended when I hear it. (even tho I’m thin, it just sounds so hurtful)
So if you don’t hold it against me for chiming in on the lycra thing I’ll forgive you for calling yourself fat.
XXX
I back the Fat Cyclist on that one, on the one hand we had on the blog that said it’s ok no one will notice if CJ slips into the gym wearing appalling 80’s gym gear, but it is not ok to have a gut over some bike shorts. Seriously, this is not about offence, each to their own view, but I do see some hypocrisy in writing one week it is ok for women to wear what they want and no one will care but not men, god forbid you don’t look like a Home and Away or Armani model or you can kiss career and marriage goodbye. Agree with you FC totally. Wendy totally agree with you as well.
Lyrca bike pants and speedos on the overweight male seem very offensive to many but it is really not anyone’s business, it is about comfort to the exercise not what a bunch of purists think. It’s simple – don’t look. And also think as I said in an early post we are all battling the hump so what would you rather see: blokes peddling to get fit in bike pants or stubbies and singlet with beer and chips in front of TV.
I came back to say Craig gets a pass from me for using the F-word, only because:
He has a very constructive agenda.
I guess I’m overthinking but I really had to figure out why his use of the word never offended me. I thought I was becoming a sheep or a groupie before I resolved it in my head.
Ok. my name is Lisa and I’m a Craig Harper groupie.
OK I have to agree with Leanne–nothing nicer than staring at the peloton (which is what the main group of cyclists in a cycling race is called) or anyone in the race from behind…all those nice, toned butts (or bums as you call them) and legs in lycra! There is also padding in said lycra that protects the bits between the legs as well as the butt from pain and damage from hours in that rock hard saddle that is on those very costly bikes (you pay enough…you’d think they’d give you a bit of comfort!). Not to mention clothing not bunching up and freedom of movement.
Speaking of the reason why to get a higher end one–I owned a cheapie and it was torturous to ride. It did not fit my body at all. I tried several of them and they were heavy, clunky, shifted like crap and uncomfortable in so many ways. Knock the price up a few hundred (or thousand if your budget allows) and you get a machine that is lightweight, shifts like a dream, and basically becomes an extension of your legs (though that seat is still terrible). I now own a couple of mid priced ones and the difference is phenomenal. It makes me understand why people buy bikes and they sit in their garages, gathering cobwebs. My cheapie did, but my nicer ones don’t.
I do believe in the comfort and good feelings that come from a group. My group does quilting.
hahah all these comments make me laugh, and you too Craig
i liked this post! in essence you’re totally right! I’ve been paying attention to this type of things lately and its kind of funny to see the things that people use to identify themselves as a group..
I must say, Craig, I really feel part of the ‘ironman club’ now, even before I have lined up at the swim start of my first race. But I’ve entered. I’m committed. And just by being out on the road, training, I’m meeting and connecting with people who do ironman. And I really do connect with them. We are definitely a ‘breed of our own.’ Not everyone can do ironman. It takes a special person to just contemplate doing one. I can’t wait to get to NZ and meet hundreds of other ironman competitors from across the world. IM NZ was the first international ironman event. I think that’s pretty cool that I’ve chosen that as my first. It was going to be IM WA 2009, but that fizzled.
I’m getting a bit of attention with my new bike. I feel a bit special! “That looks like a new bike” one rider said as he rode alongside me on Wednesday. “Yes – just got it on Saturday.” I love my new bike. It may not be an ARGON or a SPECIALIZED or whatever other top ‘brand name’ there is out there but I don’t care. You don’t need to spend $15K on a bike. I love her. And, she’s red. Red goes faster! I’m expending way more calories on my bike than you ever will on your [motor]bike Ha ha
It’s interesting because clubs and groups do form. As I am reading this post and hearing all of the what are commonly termed as “inside jokes” I realize that even on here this club has it’s own language.
Families have this, you might say “he’s pulling an uncle mike” and all the people in the family will roll their eyes.
When I worked at McDonald’s they would say “10 piece nuggets on register one” if there was a hot woman customer on register one.
The bike club might talk about how they greased themselves up to get into the spandex and called it “sliding into the suit” like “yeah Bert’s not here today cause he broke his leg sliding into the suit.” and all the members would cringe as they remembered sliding into there own suits that morning.
The biggest thing to remember is that when you grow up it is nice to let people into the club and part of that is by giving people a club dictionary.