Sorry, I Accidentally Had Sex

No Accident

I’m sick of certain people not taking responsibility for their actions.

And I’m amused by individuals who get busted doing something they shouldn’t (having an affair, using performance enhancing drugs, stealing, lying about an important issue, being violent, ripping someone off) who then – when they get backed into a corner – come out and say something lame and insincere like… “er, I made a terrible mistake”… as if that somehow justifies, explains and rectifies what they’ve done. My response to these folk is… no, you didn’t make a mistake; you made a conscious and calculated choice to do what you did. On some level you knew it was wrong which is why you went to great lengths to be deceptive, strategic and evasive over an extended period of time.

We call that a plan, not a mistake.

The Five Year Mistake

It’s amazing how some people can “make a mistake” for five years and then when they get caught, all of a sudden they discover a new-found sense of what’s right and wrong. Funny that. They conveniently become aware of their mistake. Their moral compass is magically restored – complete with tears, apologies and empty promises of impending moral, spiritual and behavioural transformation.

I like to call that… acting.

Let’s be clear about this issue… people who cheat, lie, steal, manipulate and abuse for months and years on end, don’t do it accidentally. It’s no mistake. It’s calculated behaviour. Yes it’s crap behaviour but it’s also calculated and intentional. The term “mistake” infers a level of ignorance, innocence and naivety. And a lack of intent and planning. “Oops, I think I accidentally made a phone call, accidentally met her (him) at a hotel and then accidentally had sex.” 

“For three years every Wednesday.”

Who Me?

Chronic bullshitters are anything but innocent and naive; they are selfish and cunning manipulators who know exactly what they are doing. If they have an ability to think, reason and make decisions then their behaviour is no mistake or accident. Often, the only time we see any semblance of remorse, shame or humility is when they have been caught in their lies and now they’ve switched into self-preservation and damage-control mode.

Choosing to have sex with someone behind your partner’s back is not a mistake (as such), it’s a decision. A conscious choice. As is cheating in sport by using a banned substance. As is driving 50 kph (30 mph) over the speed limit. As is stealing from the company you work for. A mistake is accidentally putting the wrong kind of petrol (gas) in your car. Or calling Jim, Steve. Or turning left when you should have turned right. Or buying the full-fat when you thought you had grabbed the skim. Or reversing over your kid’s bike in the drive.

Creating a web of deceit which is based on extensive (and well-planned) lies, manipulation and self-interest isn’t something a person does accidentally on one occasion. No, it’s something they do consciously, methodically and strategically for as long as they can get away with it. 

Crocodile Tears

Did I take an angry pill today? No, I took a let’s-stop-pretending-and-call-this behaviour-what-it-is… pill. If we do the wrong thing (by choice) then we should man-up (or woman-up as the case may be) and say I did (insert behaviour) consciously and intentionally; not accidentally. I planned it. I chose it. I did it.

I’m all for forgiveness, rehabilitation and genuine transformation but I’m also for honesty, accountability, taking full responsibility for ones’ behaviours and genuine remorse. The “I’m so sorry Jesus” show doesn’t work for me any more.

And neither do the crocodile tears.

* I know you have an opinion on this, so let’s hear it. And yes, that means you scaredy-cat Lurkers too. We don’t bite. :)

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{ 51 comments… read them below or add one }

Mandi B December 7, 2009 at 9:08 pm

Here, here!!

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gail December 7, 2009 at 9:27 pm

Wow!!!
Is is hard hat time or did someone upset the man with biceps off?
Now the affair bit i can relate to quite well as it happened to me.
The excuse i got was ” I thought what you didnt know, wouldnt hurt you or the kids” ah but someone always sees and someone always tells, which they did. Not good when your three months pregnant with your third child.
But maybe Craig the greatest lie of all is the one we tell ourselves. or one we are told and carry for all our lives.
I remember the family member who molested me telling me things that even now i have problems not believing because its been so ingrained in me.
A child is expected to believe an adult even when that adult lies Craig, how do u fix that?
I look in the mirror and see the digusting creature that i am and that i hate so much that i try to destroy the body i dont want to be in.
There is no light at the end of the tunnel when your covered in mud.
Yes, i know i can fix it and its up to me to do it but fighting a lifetime of negatives isnt an easy battle, well for me anyway.
I know its my mindset that is causing the weight to stay on but i cant find it in me to love something that i hate so much. I know i have good points but the negative outweighs them and wins all the time.
Rereading your post i am now trying to analyse if i am chosing this behaviour on purpose and worry that i might be.
do i find a suit of amour and slay the dragon that is keeping this princess prisoner?

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Ideas With A Kick December 8, 2009 at 12:22 am

Hey Craig,

Great idea to write about affairs and the likes :) . I notice people have this amazing ability to preserve a positive image of themselves by ignoring real facts and making things look in a way that’s convenient to them. A little more understanding of ourselves and our psychology as humans would do wonders to prevent some of this stuff from happening.

Eduard

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Mylee December 8, 2009 at 1:26 am

I agree 100%! The whole world needs to read this!

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Kristen December 8, 2009 at 1:29 am

how true….

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victoria December 8, 2009 at 1:39 am

Oh yeah! I love this post!!! We must have taken the same pill… But hey Craig, choosing bad behavior is what we see when we switch on the boob tube (Texas slang???) at night. I think they call it humor. I think it more indicative of our society. If it is seen on TV as ‘cute, funny, or whatever, it does not seem so bad. They do not show the heart destruction or the desolution of relationships.

Sorry to soft soap it. Certainly, I have ‘chosen’ my share of bad moves. The awesome thing about ‘getting’ to age, is in realizing how incredibly self serving some decisions were. Maturity is a gift.

My girl pal found out last year that her husband of 20+ years, had a girl(slut)friend for over 8 years. They split, of course. He has not seen their boys since he walked out. That was five years ago… now he has ‘seen’ the light and wants a relationship with them. Need I say, the emotionally turmoil that now revisits those guys…

So… being present in the moment of decision and seeing what can come of going forward is a very good thing. As I have aged, I certainly have lost the ability to be so pliant and accepting of those that destroy without regret… well, at least until they see there is something in it for them. I say… forgive-um’ and choose a finger, any finger!
Victoria

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Brendan Peter McVeigh December 8, 2009 at 1:46 am

This is my first response but I totally agree with what you wrote. There are many people in the media spotlight who indulge in such selfish me centric activities, and feel crocodile tears with the family at a press conference can fix it. With the entertainment industry, and I include some professional sports in this category, it would not be surprising as they are generally spoilt children. But when it involves those who are in a position to set an example or can inspire others then the hypocrisy they show with this faux confession and penance makes me particularly angry.

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Sandradeon December 8, 2009 at 3:25 am

Gail,

You must REFUSE to let this continue to have control over you. You need to strip that past situation and the person(s) perpetrating it of their power, realize that you didn’t deserve what happened to you, and understand that you DO deserve respect from others, and especially from YOURSELF. You need to go on and make an amazing life for yourself. Success is the best revenge! Even if they never take responsibility for their transgressions, which they probably blamed on you, treating yourself to a better, happier, more fulfilled life can only BENEFIT you and those you love. You HAVE to take back your own power! YOU DESERVE IT!

Been There

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friday December 8, 2009 at 3:25 am

This is so good. I love it. I forwarded it to a very special friend who is dealing with someone in their life who “accidentally had sex”. And today I am dealing with someone who made an “accidental miscalculation” following an “accidentally forgot to mention that detail to anyone” following an “accidental….” ya you get the idea. What I want to know is how to deal with the people who make these “mistakes” with grace. And maybe a little mercy, but not much. I want to poke em in the EYE!

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Khyati December 8, 2009 at 6:04 am

Such asses who manipulate others innocence and naiveness or even simplicity are found anywhere. And the reason they give themselves ,a justification, is that the other person needs them and so the other person is getting manipulated. In reality, the manipulaters (call them genderless coz if they wud be real man or woman they wudnt do such a thing) leech on the opposite persons needs and feel (sadistic) pride for their ego that they are the ones who are fulfilling the need of the other person.

They sould be found anywhere and spotting them also is not difficult. They could be team leaders, HOD’s in educational instituions or even sales people. The higher in hierarchy they are in position bigger the task for the manipulated.

If you cannot deal with them straight (coz they do not undersstand straight language) ignore them or get their insecurity out and try and transform them, or worse still use it against them and turn them to wimps.

But never succumb to them.

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d December 8, 2009 at 6:12 am

Gail, some adults can be nasty, selfish creatures and sadly, all too often, children are dragged into their despicable actions. Please give yourself a hug, forgiveness, and some credit for being a survivor :)
Craig, I agree wholeheartedly! I think that this lack of owning up to mistakes is a huge problem with the world today. Thanks for this bracing breath of fresh air for a Monday morning!

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Ester December 8, 2009 at 6:13 am

Sometimes it’s just denial.

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Sharleen December 8, 2009 at 6:14 am

Hooray!! Love it and agree wholeheartedly!!

I must send this post to my sister……..

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Kary December 8, 2009 at 6:46 am

WOW!! I wish this had been written last year so I could have stapled it to my cheating ex’s forehead–you described EVERY thing he said and did after getting caught with his pants down–the “huge, terrible mistake”, the crocodile tears, the constant deceit and manipulations—
Thanks for posting this!! It makes me stronger!

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Mary Anne from Traf December 8, 2009 at 8:04 am

It has taken me 40+ years to live it, own it, breathe it and I truly wish that I had understood this message earlier in my life. But along my journey I have also discovered that I had people around me that enabled my behaviours (not that their choices excuses mine).

I believe there are two parts to these situations the person doing the lies and the person listening and accepting the lies and deceit. The cycle will not change unless reality and accountability is created otherwise nothing will change.

Stay safe xx & hugs Mares

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Craig M December 8, 2009 at 8:26 am

Great read Craig I agree with you on this one.

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Andrew D December 8, 2009 at 8:27 am

Sounds like the South African Government. It happens everyday here, made me laugh though… Thanks for that lol!

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Stacey December 8, 2009 at 8:52 am

Geez Craig, there’s a reason we lurk… you’re SCARY sometimes.
(but very well put).
Stacey

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lisa December 8, 2009 at 9:04 am

I dream of a world where all beings feel this way. :)

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Jaki December 8, 2009 at 9:12 am

I love you Craig Harper… even when you’re grumpy ;)

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Michael December 8, 2009 at 9:20 am

So much for forgiveness at Christmas are your army shorts too tight Craig ;)

I would like to point up one point however.

There are people who do see the light after doing deceitful things AND some leopards do change spots. But at what point do we as the wounded accept their apology and amends? I don’t want to live in a world where saying sorry and making amends is greeted with cynicism. Remember the past posts on here about forgiving?

If someone says sorry for something, yes we make a decision to treat them differently, yes we may not trust again, and that is ok, but sometimes we want our drops of blood and depending on the transgression we can walk around with a grudge that affects only us.

Life’s a balancing act sometimes and this is another example.

Yes there are chronic ones but all one can do is just try to avoid them.

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Anna December 8, 2009 at 9:22 am

Gail,
If you don’t love and respect yourself how will anybody else love and respect you. Take on board what has happened in your past and move forward. You are a role model for your kids, its up to you to decide what sort of rolemodel you will be for them, let them be your guiding light.

Craig,
As human beings, are we destined to be monogomous with one person for the rest of our lives? How realistic is this? Divorce rates are a good indicator. Society tells us cheating is wrong, so when people are caught out, they do what is “expected” and show remorse and cry the crocodile tears.
I think its easy to look at people having affairs and sit on our high horse and judge them. But people do things for different reasons, and I don’t think they deliberately set out to hurt others in the process.

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Kathryn December 8, 2009 at 9:25 am

I was a bullshit artist Craig. A good one for many years. I got found out, and went to get the ‘help’ from ‘helpful people’ who told me that there was no right or wrong. I was in a pretty cloudy state. So this confused me even more. Especially after living a life of learning that there was a right and wrong.

However, when I was told I was a bullshit artist by the people who I had hurt the most, the cloud lifted. Just like your posting here.

It took a very long time to work it all out and get on with life. There is not a day that goes by that I feel the guilt and pain that I have caused. But we are getting there.

And yes Mary-Anne there are definately the two sides of the situation. That did not help in my case nor the case of others for many years.

I’m moving forward to be a better person that I was. It takes a lot of conscious effort and support from people who love you. You can do it.

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Hellen December 8, 2009 at 9:53 am

I do love you when you are fired up. slightly scared but still lovin it.
Gail-listen to the wise people on here – full of good advice. use that crap you were fed to create a better you – don’t react with self loathing. Your molester was the one covered in mud – not u. xx
This post struck a cord with me as I spent yesterday listening to my ex beg for forgiveness for his bad behaviour. A million sorry’s doesnt alter the fact that you called me a retarded fat porpoise who looked more like your mother than your girlfriend, mate, buddy. i wont regail you with his other comments but enough said. as you said craig calculated and destructive behaviour, not an accident. Whoo Hoo go Mr H!

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Sascha December 8, 2009 at 10:05 am

Great post Craig, I can’t stand cheating and lying and people who decieve and there is no excuse for it in my books…I’m so glad you raised this issue. I hope people will start to realise that they cannot expect to be forgiven for this behaviour just because they got caught.
People taking personal responsibility is also a constant bugbear of mine.I work in the financial services industry, and I am so tired of people who ignore documents they have been sent and choose to bury their head in the sand until it’s too late for anyone to be able to help them. I hear these lame excuse all the time “I didn’t know it was important and I didn’t have time to read it”…or my favourites “you don’t expect me to read that whole 3 page letter do you?” and “well somebody should have called me to tell me that” (to an organisation with over 4 million customers, and to whom she incidentally never bothered to provide her phone number to anyway). When will people start to take personal responsibility for their own finances? It seems to be that our culture is allowing this apathy and it is going to get us all into trouble.

Then again, I guess the same thing can be said for food and exercise too, and our willingness to take personal responsibility for that? Is this just human nature?

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Charlotte December 8, 2009 at 10:27 am

Hello Craig,

Completely agree with you on this one….Would luv to give this article to my ex.
I lived with a person for 9yrs who lied, cheated, so dis honest, was a complete con man…
A leopard doesn’t change there spots I say…..

For me it’s going to take a long time to be able to trust anyone again…
It just makes you more aware now and very weary and know that I deserve much better than that..

It seems to always happen to the good people,

Hugs

Charlotte xxx

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Allyson December 8, 2009 at 10:45 am

Damn right!

This is so spot on – and I think because of the inundation of shows using appalling behaviour as comedy (Two and a Half Men comes to mind … can I say that?) – the hurt caused by the deceit, affairs and lies is almost desensitised to the perpetrator, definately not to the victim though.

A few years back a guy I was getting to know, dating, chatting on the phone to quite often, blah blah blah who described himself as single following a recent break up and in the process of buying a house with his brother – uh, not quite ….. he was engaged to be married and he and his (then) fiance were buying an investment property with his brother. About five weeks in I found out the truth, and when I confronted him – his response was, “I’m really sorry, you’re so amazing …. I just wasn’t thinking”.

So somehow he manages to function without his body attached to his brain and orchestrate an affair whilst living in a home with his fiance for about five weeks… he was thinking alright! What he should have said was, “I just wasn’t thinking about you.” – at least some words of truth might have been uttered.

I now have moved past the feeling of wishing I’d be driving somewhere and see him walking on the road in front of me – and I’d speed up and chase him down, not hit him but just scare the be-jesus outta him :D

I’m going to let karma take care of it ;)

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Lia Halsall December 8, 2009 at 10:51 am

Hi Craig,

Long time no comment, but today’s post was comment worthy.

I love how you don’t mince your words and just tell it like it is, straight.

This is very simple, be accountable and accept responsibility because honesty is always the best policy in the end. It’s not rocket science contrary to societies belief. LOL!!

Kindest Regards,
Lia Halsall

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Cassie December 8, 2009 at 10:58 am

I saw my dad lie to my mum for ages about his going out and then mum found out he was having an affair and the lady had the nerve to ring mum up and tell her it was a one night stand.
I saw the tears my mum cried when all she wanted was him home with us and to tell the truth.
Adults are such liers, he said he loved mum and this lady, yeah right!!. He loves us as well thats why we havent seen him for 5 years but he lives 5 mins away.
when my baby brother was born he demanded mum give the baby over to him for the weekend and if she didnt he was taking her to court, mum didnt and well we are still waiting for him to take her to court.
Next year i graduate from High school i dont intend inviting him as he has let us down so many times and so many lies.
How can you adults tell us what to do and to trust you when u do things like this?

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Kate December 8, 2009 at 11:01 am

Absolutely agree! there are just some things you cant buy Ie. fideltiy etc… As this is such a timely subject at present considering tiger woods.. What really angers me are these ‘famous’ people who choose to accept to be this and hence make money out of then say// ‘oh my private life’ they didnt care when we took photos of them at a charity but NOW that they are greedy and have been caught… they dont want us there.

What really angers me or rather I choose to feel anger about is especially with my male friends they choose cheap girls then call me up going oh god Kate I think she is having an affair.. its like WOW you couldnt even be patient for someone decent and NOW you honestly think you can sit here and winge about this.. oh she so desiable she is with other guys … WHAT are peopel NOT normal today ….. I had to say Oh listen I could have potentially sleep with five guys today ( which I could have and IM single) But I didnt I stopped.. its called self respect and self discipline!

Im not going to say much more besides I think when you are not aware it is NOT your responsblity but once you are .. learn to be strong people. !

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Tania December 8, 2009 at 11:17 am

Well said Craig! I love it when you’re in your ‘no-BS’ mood!

And I don’t want “I’m so sorry” in those sort of situations either – I want ATONEMENT – great word, great meaning – deep and life changing. Anything else is acting.

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Tania December 8, 2009 at 11:22 am

Cassie (((HUGS))) to you and your mum (and the rest of your family). What you have to remember is that your Mum is there for you and she hasn’t lied. So not all adults lie. Not all men lie either. Your Dad happens to lack integrity – that’s not your fault or your mum’s fault and it doesn’t have to dictate your life or who you are. Take care, Tania

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Anna December 8, 2009 at 11:23 am

Gail,
Sorry if I sounded a bit harsh in my message to you earlier.
Most of your posts on this site have all been about how little you think of yourself. I find this a very sad place to be. Maybe you should start being a little proactive in what sort of future you want for yourself. I am of the opinion, that if you know or are aware of what past demons haunt you and hurt you then why not try and fix it. Surrounding yourself with positive people is a good start. I heard a comment on tv last night, that was something along these lines.
“If the thoughts in your own head don’t make you feel good, then maybe its time to change them…..”
If you believe in yourself, then others will too.
Just my 2 cents worth :)

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Claire December 8, 2009 at 11:46 am

Really got to remind us not to be drinking or eating when opening our emails/your posts Mr Harper, it has negative consequences for our computers ;)
Blunt, honest and damn firey, but we expect nothing else from you :)
Thanks for your dose of reality
( ) xx

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Gail December 8, 2009 at 12:07 pm

Hi Anna,
No, they werent harsh made me realise that i have to try and get past what has gone on and maybe “fake it , till i make it’ in liking myself.
the thoughts in my head are like a tape recorder i just wish i could find the off button as when i try something positive those words come back and the volume seems to go up.
I guess you could say i am my own worse enemy as when i do something positive like wear makeup i look in the mirror and pull apart what seems like imperfections to me eg: not supposed to be like that, too thick,too thin, wrong colour and so on.
so i dont apply the makeup again.

so many times ive had the walking shoes on only to hear whats the point its never going to work and you will still be the same way you are and you have so much weight to lose.
As Craig once said to me i wont lose the weight with the mind set i have so im working slowly on getting into the right spot, sometimes i can do it other times its really hard but i guess the thing is that im doing it.
think i need to live with Craig for 6 months.

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Cassie December 8, 2009 at 12:10 pm

Hi Tania,
Thank you and yes its true mum has always been straight forward with me.
She has always told me to respect dad as he is your father but as a person if you respect him or not then thats up to you.

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Kate December 8, 2009 at 3:48 pm

Hi Anna,

Firstly you are correct people do things for different reasons … and may not deliberately set out to hurt others in the process… but as Craig as stated get honest you have sex because it feels good, you dont think about others because you are selfish.. and in the context of this if you are making decisions for only one person and you are in a partnership.. well Im NO doctor but WOW!

Quote “As human beings, are we destined to be monogomous with one person for the rest of our lives? How realistic is this? Divorce rates are a good indicator”…

Well if our stats are an indicator we are meant to be an obese society, die from smoking and it is MORE than realsistic for our kids to take drugs most weekends..

Personally i dont look at ‘easy’ as the way and unfortunately I think the stats show us more about how WEAK some are.. Sure it is easy to sleep with everyone, eat everything and smoke what you want.. but really do we have to lower our standards to that or an animal…. I think NOT.

“they do what is “expected” .. obsviously they dont do what is expected they are just SORRY they cant be respected and well paid and act immoral…

‘yes it is easy to sit on your moral high horse with people having affairs’ (I am going to call you on your post to Gail on this…. I know you did apologise … but who is on the horse…here) you amy also find it hard to believe but some people are faithful, yes it hurts to be faithful , yes its hard work … NO one forces you to sign a fedility agreement, nor a mortgage but if you choose to .. you are signing to live up to an agreement and if you are unfaithful (unless contract states otherwise) you have actually broken the law….

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Michael December 8, 2009 at 7:02 pm

Anna if you read this, I really have to support you.

You can argue STI’s and hurting others as the result of cheating, but the reality is, monogamy does not work.

BUT (sorry for caps Craig but this is important)

If you and your partner want a monogamous relationship do it. Don’t pay attention to others.

If you and your partners want to introduce others into the relationship do it. Don’t pay attention to others.

Why do I think this?

Because of one fundamental reason that gets my blood boiling. Double Standards! Look at Mr Woods ATM.

Leaving ethics, morality, religion and heath just for a moment out of it, as very important as they are, really why do people who are monogamous and polygamous throw comments of scorn at each other. I have been on the receiving end of this arguement: if I support open relationships I’m a cheater, if I support monogamy i’m sexually repressed. Annoys the hell out of me. Do what you want because humans will do it anyway either way. It is good to have your view and stick to it, but to get on high horses and say one way or else or you must do this is to me unethical and sticking your nose in others’ business. Why? Because people I know who are ‘monogamous’ have cheated I have caught a couple and they have the nerve to tell us how to live. Double standards.

Kate I totally disagree with you, why is monogamy hard work? We may never go with another person sexually if we committ to one, but we will look at a photo on a billboard, TV or the net and go mmmm nice. Does that mean we have to beat ourselves up? No we simply remember we want to be faithful, that’s our choice, it is not hard at all. To say it is hard to be faithful implies to me something is there potentially to stray.

Do either way but protect your health, your partner emotionally, your children and your reputation, but be true to yourself and if that means you sleep with others so be it, if it means you never take another person as a partner when you love someone so be it. So simple. Why stress over others’ behavours? Get over judging either side because do you realise you can never control another person either way? Sadly, so many get on their moral high horse and I just don’t mean the monogamous crowd the open can be just as bad, and rant on and on and I’m sick of, do what ever you want just don’t tell me to accept either way as bad, wrong, good or necessary.

Each to their own.

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JJ December 8, 2009 at 9:12 pm

This very subject was being debated by a group of my friends today over coffee after dance classes – one of the group had been to a phyiso after class and on returning met the rest of us at the coffee shop. The comment was made my her sister that the physio was very hot! Then it was discussed if he was married or not. Comment was made my one of the group that if he was married that you don’t go there. Another said but what if there was a feeling of great conection between you – sometimes this just happens it was said. The group was divided between those who said no way do you act on or allow yourself feelings for a married person and those who said sometimes your feelings ( you fall madly in love with the person – the comment that was made) just get the better of you. To me its all about morals. Where are they these days?
I am one of you scaredy cats. Love reading all your posts & enjoyed listening to you at one of your talks. JJ

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Maveric December 8, 2009 at 9:43 pm

I love it when you get cross. I hope its only Tiger Woods that has you on your soap box and not someone closer to home. If some woman has done you wrong dear man just tell me where she lives and I’ll get out my all too new boxing gloves and show her just how loved you are by all of us here at Crag dot com.

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Craig December 8, 2009 at 10:00 pm

Hi Guys…

Wow! So it seems that nobody has an opinion on this topic ;) .

A big hi to our Newbies and Lurkers… :)

xx

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Michael December 9, 2009 at 11:36 am

Post script before we move on

If anyone saw that show last night on Lord Snowdon and Princess Margaret it proves two things about affairs:

1. The society at the time, even our liberated one, will make demands to be moral and proper i.e. don’t sleep around when attached. Guess what – they did then, they do now, they forever will.

2. If people are honest and reconcile love with physical attraction. If you know that you will stray perhaps be single forever. But the reality is many want both: to be able to come home to love and affection but still pick up. It’s ego, human nature etc. But if people are honest with themselves and potential partners a lot of this mess would be avoided. If your partner wants to sleep around you have the power to say NO. You say I won’t accept that. Simple. But many, and I don’t believe this is just women, will hold onto the relationship. If on the other hand you don’t mind him/her doing others be aware of the health and emotional minefields, but to some’s horror I know people going into 20 year relationships who have had affairs and they are still together, healthy, and don’t see any issue with sleeping around, they just tell each other.

If you do decide to be open be careful sexually especially if you get to the stage where you want to have children. Also be aware of the other person one has a fling with as I have fallen in love with someone coupled and I didn’t know and it hurt, but having said that, it was more the fact that person was not upfront if I had known that person was coupled I would have said no. Some who are in open do treat the fling as a fling without being honest and if you like the person it opens up the potential to get hurt, but in hindsight I should have checked and now do.

To Maveric, I don’t date women and find it offensive to promote voilence against women by beating them up joke or not. I’m not straight and I would say you were perhaps offended by my soap box. Don’t read it then. Or mail Craig and ask for my stuff to be removed.

Craig thanks for this topic I’ll move on and it was interesting to listen to others but I wonder in closing does anyone really think they can force someone to be monogamous or be open? Sadly, many do and that causes more dramas than the actual acts themselves. Again each to their own.

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Tania December 9, 2009 at 2:07 pm

Wanted to add that the “I am a sex addict” excuse is getting old….lots of people are sex ‘addicts’ (most men seem to be :P ) we just don’t use it as an excuse for bad behaviour.

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Tania December 9, 2009 at 2:12 pm

@Michael – I think Maveric is a woman and she was directing her comment to Craig…. :)

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faery December 9, 2009 at 4:05 pm

Wonderful article!! Love it!

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Kate December 9, 2009 at 8:14 pm

Hi Michael,

For clarifty last time I checked looking at billboard wasnt cheating… possibly I wasnt direct enough.. if both partners are aware and I do know many people like open relationships (just not really my thing, dont like sharing) then I dont think that is cheating… It comes down to lieing and stealing basically as you are mispresenting yourself to someone it is similar to ripping off a company…

In regards to a relationships being hard work again I should have been more specific A GOOD relationship = hard work, a GOOD body =- hard work…

XXX Since you had two posts figured only fair I got the last one in Kate X

In regards to the 1st post where you said Kate I totally disagree with you.. but then in the second

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AmericanGirl December 11, 2009 at 8:41 pm

Gail, if you can find a Psych-K practitioner in your area, I really recommend it. I got the recommendation off of a blog of someone I consider a spiritual mentor, and she suggested that sometimes psychological counseling just may not work well or will take a long time to help change internal beliefs, but she’d heard good things about Psych-K. So I went and had a session. I know it seems a little woo-woo to some. I’m fine with what others want to believe, but I found substance. Recommended.

Gail, as much as you don’t like your weight, it has a beautiful mission- it is showing you that there are issues that need healing, and it can lead you to wholeness. There’s a lot of beauty in that, isn’t there? No child, adult, or any kind of creature ever deserves abuse. Never. It’s time to take that belief in completely.

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AmericanGirl December 11, 2009 at 8:45 pm

Craig, agreeing on the accident. We keep on hearing people say this in the States. It’s the whole game of “re-naming” actions to spin them. And I think the speakers also get out of personally confronting their own actions- which is sad.
I’m also frustrated with another media language game- with how “hero” is tossed around.

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Robyn December 13, 2009 at 10:00 pm

I totally agree with this.

The one thing that I want to add is that some people have to repeat the same old pattern before the penny drops. Sure, lack of insight is no excuse, but some people just need to repeat the same bad behaviour before they realize that (A) it isn’t working for them, (B) it’s creating more problems for them, and (C) it’s hurting others.

On the other hand, I’m not so tolerant of the insightful bad.

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Anonymous December 29, 2009 at 1:58 am

I think this post is a little harsh. Craig, have you never been in a compromising situation? Are you judging others of their “short-comings” unfairly? I do agree with you about being honest, but life and situations are simply not so black and white. You stating your opinion with an angry undertone sounds a lot like a scorned man rather than a motivational speaker. Your words will make others feel defensive, not inspired. What are you really saying here? People are truly good at heart, but life happens and changes their preception of things. Do you know every person’s narrative? I like what you might be trying to say, but maybe you could figure out a way to get your point accross so one feels enlightened.

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Kary December 31, 2009 at 4:13 pm

“Craig, have you never been in a compromising situation? Are you judging others of their “short-comings” unfairly? I do agree with you about being honest, but life and situations are simply not so black and white.”

Sorry, dude,, but I have to disagree with you here–haven’t you ever heard of the term “Just Say No”? If you are in a committed relationship and you are approached with a situation that could turn into something ugly and deceitful, then you DO THE RIGHT THING and just say NO! It IS black and white, right and WRONG.
Period. No excuses, no justifications, no “compromising situations”. How about this; Don’t PUT yourself into a compromising position for starters….

~~Kary

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