Before we get under way with today’s post, a little me-dot-com news…
Weight-Loss Intensive
As you may or may not have seen on the home page, next month I will be running a five-day weight-loss intensive for people who have a history of spinning their wheels when it comes to the challenge of losing weight and more importantly, keeping it off. This program will address the emotional, psychological and physical components of weight-loss and it will be a transformational experience. If participants allow it to be.
I have consciously chosen to keep the numbers small (twelve people per program), so that I can get to know each person. The intensive will be a mix of the theoretical and the practical and is intended to be a springboard for the rest of your life. While this program will be based in Melbourne, we are looking to run the same program in other states in the upcoming months. Of course, interstate visitors are welcome to make the trip for this upcoming intensive. For more information, take a peek here.
On with today’s instalment…
Carnage in the Toy Store
This morning (writing this Sunday) I went to a local shopping centre (mall) to buy a birthday present for my two year-old pseudo niece (my business partner’s daughter). Happy Birthday little Jessie. 
It proved to be quite the eye-opening experience for the childless (and somewhat clueless) alpha-male. While the shopping part of the trip turned out to be something of an enjoyable adventure for Yours Truly (who knew toy stores could be such fun?), the same couldn’t be said for the six (or so) year-old who was test driving trucks in the next aisle. As the excited young truck driver lifted the object of his desire above his head to show the Chief Financial Officer what he needed for his next birthday, his chubby little fingers somehow lost their grip and the rather-costly toy (over a hundred bucks) came crashing down on to the concrete floor, transforming it instantly into a jigsaw puzzle. Which, of course, is a euphemism for… an expensive pile of crap.
For a nanosecond there was silence.
I knew it wouldn’t last. I looked at the little boy. I saw terror. I looked at the mother. I saw wild rage. I felt a bit nervous for the little fella. I think I had some kind of deja vu moment. Sympathy pains. Or something.
For a moment I thought she might actually kill him with what remained of the truck. Simultaneously it started: his crying and her screaming. For what seemed like an eternity, the mother bellowed at the distraught child. Oblivious to her own disgraceful behaviour, the out-of-control woman ranted and raved like a lunatic.
If not for the ever-growing audience, I am sure she would have hit the boy. Leaving the broken toy on the floor, the woman dragged the screaming child out of the store and left us spectators stunned. I said something to the shop assistant who informed me that such scenes are a regular occurrence in the store.
Life: A Never-Ending Series of Reactions
In many ways, our lives are a series of reactions. It’s unavoidable. And while we do our best to create our own destiny and to live proactive and productive lives, the reality is that we all live in a dynamic and unpredictable world. Reacting is a fundamental and necessary part of the human experience. It’s a required skill. It’s what we do hundreds of times a day. Consciously or not. Positively or negatively.
We hear the weather forecast, we react. The guy in the Mazda hits his brakes, we react. Our partner says something, we react. Our child spills milk, we react. The boss walks in, we react. We hear good or bad news, we react. One way or the other. Somebody lets us down, we react. The lights change, we react. Somebody gives us feedback, we react. A song comes on the radio, we react. An opportunity presents itself, we react. We’re confronted with a challenge, we react.
Today you will react hundreds of times and many of those reactions will happen on auto-pilot. Some reactions will be incidental and for the most part, meaningless (scratching an itch, stepping over a puddle, swaying to some music). Some will impact on others (reacting to the woman who cuts you off in the car park). Some will affect your personal relationships (an argument with a friend). Some will be life-impacting (dealing with a tragedy). Some will create positive outcomes. Some negative. One reaction could even involve a child who has accidentally broken a toy.
In reacting the way she did in the toy store, the mother created numerous (undesirable and unnecessary) outcomes. She:
1. Terrified a child that (I assume) she loves.
2. Humiliated him (by dragging him through the store by his shirt).
3. Taught him that mistakes are not okay.
4. Drew unnecessary attention to herself and made everyone within fifty feet feel uncomfortable.
5. Put herself into a negative and destructive emotional state. And no, the demise of the truck wasn’t the problem: her reaction was.
6. Made herself look like a complete idiot!
In this life there are many things (most things, in fact) which will happen despite you and I. They will happen to us and around us. Some good. Some bad. However, there is one thing that will always be in our control – unless we choose to hand over that power – and that is, how we react. Life is not fair or unfair my friends; life just is.
A long time ago I made a conscious decision that situations, circumstances and events wouldn’t define me or determine my emotional and psychological states; I will do that myself. Consciously and intentionally. I will choose my mood, my attitude, my behaviours, my reactions and therefore, my outcomes. And therefore my reality. I will be influenced by – but not determined by – the events of my world. To the best of my ability, I will consciously and thoughtfully choose my reactions. Will it always be easy? No. Will I do my best anyway? Yep. I will be ever-mindful of the likely consequences and potential impact of my reactions – on my life and the lives of others. Consciousness and awareness (of how I react and the likely consequences of my reactions) are things that need to be worked on. Forever.
Our reactions can be relationship-enhancing, or relationship-destroying. They can put us in a solution-focused headspace, or a problem-obsessed pity-party. They can make people laugh or fill a room with tension. They can empower people or discourage them. They can make people feel safe and secure or terrified and confused. They can lead to learning and personal growth or bitterness and anger.
Someone much smarter than me once said:
In the context of life, it’s not what happens that matters, but how we react (to what happens) that matters.
I tend to agree.
Today I’m encouraging you to be more mindful, more conscious and more aware of your reactions (big and small) – and the likely outcomes of those reactions – on your life, and the lives of the people in your world. Sometimes, a better life is the by-product of better reactions. So choose to react consciously and responsibly Grasshoppers.
As always, love to hear your ideas, thoughts, feedback and stories…. even you Lurkers.
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Totally agreed Mr Craigo! I get sick of people who fly off on their tangent for little reason!
Clueless…..
Pip
Hi Craig,
Good post, thanks. It is very hard to keep cool at times with children. I have three, aged 10, 5 and 3. They are fantastic kids, but do get a bit over excited at times. Your post reminds me to be more mindful and a better Dad. I will start that now!……………………Have a good Sunday cyber people.
Hi Craig,
This post reminds me off the “think before, you speak” quote we all know so well. If we stopped and thought about what was about to fly out our mouths before we actually said it we’d probably find that a majority of it wouldn’t make it past our lips.
No-one’s perfect, but if we try really hard each day then maybe, just maybe we’ll change our ways and possibly our culture.
Thanks for the reminder.
Kindest Regards,
Lia Halsall
Hi Craig,
Your story reminded me of the opportunity I had to choose my reaction last Tuesday.
On the days I work, the morning routine needs to be to executed with military precision. It’s familiar to almost every mother (or father): mum up, make lunches, shower, makeup, hair, dress, make bed, breakfast, wake up children, nag children to get dressed, make children’s breakfast, dishes in the dishwasher, children’s teeth, children’s hair, dog outside, schoolbags, schoolhats, drinkbottles, children in the car, seatbelts on, drive to before-school-care, schoolbags on hooks, sign them in, kisses, run to car, key in ignition, then …
Distraught little eight-year-old daughter’s face at the car’s passenger window.
Me: What’s wrong?
A: I left my book at home.
Me: But I put it in your schoolbag.
A: I took it out to read and I forgot to put it baaaaack! (tears welling)
Mw: (impatiently) Mrs Marshall will have a spare one.
A: No! I know she doesn’t. (tears spilling) Pleeeeease Mum.
Me: But I’ll be late for work!
A: You won’t be if you hurry (rising hope). Mum. Pleeeeease.
Me: (sigh) Wait inside. I’ll be back.
Ten minutes later I return with the book.
A: (face lighting up) Thanks Mum! I love you! You’re the best!
Me: You get one chance this term where I’ll go home and get something you’ve forgotten without being cross. One chance, ok? You’ve just used it up. Next time, you’ll just have to do without. All right?
A: (nodding) All right. I love you, Mum. (hugs and kisses)
That morning, I chose to react with uncharacteristic calm. I could have berated her for an honest mistake and ruined her day and mine but, for once, I didn’t. And it was worth it because for a few minutes in the eyes of one little girl I was a superhero.
And I wasn’t even late for work. Thanks for reminding me that I can choose my reactions – hopefully I’ll remember that next time too.
Christina xxx
While I agree that we all need to be more mindful, more conscious and more aware of our reactions. In isolation, the toy shop incident does seem a clear overreaction.
I am in no way condoning the mother’s behaviour but as a parent I can tell you that children have a way of bringing the best and the worst out of us. Some of the most patient and tolerant parents that I know have been guilty of the above. As for Junior, he’ll get over it!
My favourite parenting quote came from John Wilmot. “Before I got married I had six theories about bringing up children; now I have six children, and no theories”.
Cheers Pip..
Good for you Matt.
You’re welcome Lia…
Nice mothering Christina…
I love that quote Lindy – thanks for sharing it. Very insightful (and funny).
Excellent lesson, Craig
Yes, the mom’s reaction was disastrous, but Lindy’s comment made me smile.
I remember one very challenging episode with one of my boys on a summer day in the back yard. He had just worked my last nerve.
I exploded.
As soon as my too-loud reaction escaped my lips, I was filled with regret. He just looked at me in shock and horror, because I’d never lost it like that before. Then in the dead stillness, I heard the neighbor gather up her things and go inside. Perfect, I thought, the one time I have a serious mommy meltdown, I have an audience…
p.s. Christina, I loved your story
Four weeks ago my 16 year old daughter told me she was pregnant and I remember being aware that while pregnancy was going to change her life, regardless of what she chose to do, my reaction to her news was going to have a huge impact on our relationship. So there was no yelling, no tears, no recriminations and no guilt. I just listened to her. And for the first time in I don’t know how long she talked and has been talking ever since. I think it’s the first time that I have ever made a FULLY conscious and and aware decision to act instead of react and it has transformed our relationship.
You scarey Mother Lisa
Has the neighbour come out yet? 
Wow Kat – that’s certainly big news. That’s called a conscious and responsible reaction – well done. Lots of love to you and your daughter…
( )
Last week I was told something from a medical professional that I didn’t want to hear. While things had been ‘grey’ in my head, suddenly they become crystal clear. I knew what the doctor had said was the truth. But the truth hurt. I reacted poorly. It was a tear fest. And I was paralysed by my own reaction. I could have handled it a lot better. A lot more ‘responsibly.’
“You might not want to hear the truth, but you need to.” That was something you said to me (at least) once when you were mentoring me last year. Anyway, I’m doing a little better now. And I’ve discussed ‘it’ with a some people who care about me and it really helped. My physio being one of those, my BodyJam instructor, Mum and my ex-cycling coach.
What I’d like to know is: why are we sometimes hesitant to tell someone something? Is it because we’re scared it’ll change how they perceive us? Whatever the ‘thing’ is – we’re still the same person. The same person with ‘issues.’ I bet even Craig has ‘issues’ (eg. cheesecake addiction). Why does ‘fear’ get in the way of so much? We really are wasting precious mental energy when we worry and overthink stuff.
Kids push buttons. They dont mean it, its just nature and learning. Ive occasionally lost the plot a little with my two, but Ive always made sure that Ive apologised with plenty of hugs and kisses and explained why mummy was ‘crazy-eyed’ for a minute! It doesnt make it OK, but it helps my two understand that mummy is human and she does have her flaws, and being a Mummy is a learning process too.
Thankyou Craig,for helping me try to maintain mindfulness and understanding of my little people who havent ‘done it all’ before and who are learning how to be the good people I want them to be in this chaotic world.
Hi Jules – yes, it’s (usually) because we think it will change the way they perceive us. And often, it will. We constantly hide things, lie to others and tell “the story” we think will provide us with the greatest chance of love, acceptance and approval.
Jules, you are good enough. You always have been. But you need to learn this and become an indepandant, powerful woman – not a girl who is always seeking approval, permission and attention. You need to stop having the same conversations about the same issues with fifty different people. It’s not healthy or productive.
You are smart, talented and very capable. Once you think highly of you – so will others.
( )
Hi Craig,
Clearly you don’t have kids. I empathise with the woman in the toy shop. She could have been having a disastrous day and him breaking the toy was the last straw. She could be a single working mum who gets no help or support, or her son could just be a little shit who always breaks toys!! Its easy to sit and judge others. Maybe the woman reacted the way she did because everyone was looking at her expectantly, like….well what are you gonna do now lady??
I find, with my 2 kids I have to choose how I react all day, I can be cool as a cucumber but if you push and constantly nag me all day, it starts to take its toll.
When I am out, its the non reaction from parens that gets me. How can people sit there and ignore a kid screaming in a restaurant. Everybody else can hear it. Get up and take them outside if you have to! why do we all have to endure the kids screaming.
Yesterday I walked 5 km to the beach pushing 2 kids in a double pram (32kg) in 30 degree heat. Do you think the kids were grateful i took them to the beach and bought them an ice -cream, all they did was fight and pour sand on each others heads! after warning them several times that we would leave if they kept going, they kept going. I said, right, thats it Ive had enough, were going. I had quite a few people look at me, like whats with that reaction, but I didn’t care.
It’s hard sometimes to be diplomatic and caring in our reactions all the time, especially if you have kids.
Hi Beachgoer – I don’t think I need to be a parent to know that it’s not acceptable to verbally abuse and terrify a small child. And that’s exactly what happened. If my perspective means I’m ignorant, then I’m glad I’m ignorant.
I was going to react to beachgoer with some abuse (sorry but why have kids if that’s your attitude) but I had something happen last night that made me stop and think before I became the mum in the toy shop.
My best friend (I will not say former) slagged me off online twice on the weekend. Once it was I blamed him for stuff, so I rang to try and reason, that being reaction 1. On Sunday he called me Jaba the Gut, but I did not react. Then I get told today people on chat are bitching at each other, but the ones who get in trouble, usually by slagging off others, moan when the moderators tell them off. Who is reacting now!
Point is, sometimes we react badly, look at the customers in the shop, they reacted with horror, rightly so, but I doubt the mum, who I DON’T blame would have come back in and said ok well that was a bad move but that was me at the time.
People do things in haste like that and sure enough we form views of them that are negative and often friendships etc end because of a reaction. People do not have the time to mend fences, and that is sad.
Oh the theory sounds so easy. Control your reactions, mmm something that I know I’m not good at and have paid the price for flying off the handle before I even think.
OK, I’m going to accept the challenge (and it will be a challenge for me) to be more mindful, more conscious and more aware of my reactions (big and small),and the likely outcomes of those reactions. I’ll start small and try for the week. wish me luck.
Nat
Maybe this little fella tries his luck each and everyday, maybe she is a quiet meak and mild,patient mum who actually lost the plot this time around?
Hi Craig …. great post. I’m no child expert but i know a bit, mother of 5, grandmother of 9, and have had 73 foster kids. Have learnt a lot from them all and one important thing that i did learn was the calmer i was the calmer they were….. it’s easy, if you feel emotionally out of control then the situation will no doubt get out of control. If you accept that things wont always go to plan and that accidents will happen not only with children but life in general then you will be in a better, calmer place to deal with it when it happens.
Hi Craig & all,
I agree with all your points, Craig – and try everyday to live by them…I read something awhile ago that hit a chord with me regarding kids and their unpredicability….it said something like – expect the milk to spill (at least once every morning), expect the toy to break (it will eventually)….etc,etc….and when it does, take a deep calming breath and just….repond (rather than react).
I may not have the space here to explain the concept further, but you get the idea. This approach has worked well for me….(okay, yes, there has been exceptions !)…..but I try to be conscious of it and also apply it to other areas of my life, as well.
Also…loved your story and description, Christina……ditto here! I had a very similar morning recently….almost exactly the same, only we didn’t forget a book, we forgot that it was free dress day !!
Despite my gentle urgings that ” it would be fine”, my 8 year old also stood in tears at the car door. After a conversation similar to yours and your daughter’s, I too returned home, allowed her to change (and thus putting her in a much more confident and happy state of mind) and then continued on……miraculously none of us were late for anything !!
I think sometimes we get a little help from……the universe.
Here’s to a calm, happy, ‘consciously responding’ day !! And Happy Birthday to your pseudo niece, Craig ! Toy shops are fun…what did you get her ?
cheers,
Mon
Thanks for dropping by Kelly NH
Hi Michael. Yep, we all react badly at times. Me included. It’s called being human. And flawed. The objective is to do it less often and to consciously and consistently work at becoming a better version of us…
Good luck Nat
Maybe Trace…
Thanks Michelle xx
I got her some DVDs and books Mon…
I love my kids and really don’t agree with flying off the handle. I found getting on their level and speaking to them about behaviors gets the message across much better. I struggled with weight gain and health issues. I found that my kids helped motivate me to get fit. Fitness and wellness should be free and accessible to everyone. I created a site dedicated to this.
http://www.getfitstayingfit.com
Thanks for all your input guys – fortunately we don’t all need to agree to be friends. That’s kinda liberating… and healthy.
Hi Craig,
not having children I have never been in that situation, however things happen in everyone’s life that they react to. At the moment external forces are possibly affecting the viability of my job just as I am about reach settlement on my first ever home which I alone am responsible for repaying the mortgage on.
Urk talk about the fantastic and the possibly scary happening similtaneously. I could lay awake all night and spend each day feeling ill and worried about what may come. The other option which I am following is to look into what is rumour and what is real with my job and come up with alternative employment options and start looking where I go from here if I am on the job hunting market. I am not going to let what is one the best moments ever, my own home that I can make my own space and a place I can be truly be me in become ruined by focusing on events that haven’t even happened yet.
Nice timing with the post, it is reinforcing what I am telling myself
thanks
Mandi P
Thank you Craig, for reminding me about not reacting to a particular incident in a negative way. My one and only ‘resolution’ this year was to take note of how I react and instead of getting angry at things beyond my control to take a deep breath and let it be. It doesn’t always happen, but my awareness around what I do has certainly risen. I surprise myself when I just let an incident be when I know that I would ordinarily have jumped up and down, sworn and worked myself up into a state. So thank you for the timely reminder.
And Kat, well done. That was an amazing thing you have done for your daughter. I was once that 16 year old girl and my mother never raised her voice, was not judgmental and supported me all the way.
Great post Craig.
As a mother of three (now 13, 9 & 7) I would say there is never an excuse for emotionally abusing a child. NONE.
There is room for anger in a parent’s reaction (even ‘controlled’ yelling) but it has to be controlled and still be ‘calm’ if that makes sense. Not frightening and out of control.
My observations are these:
- this child is too young to be wandering round on his own picking up expensive toys (not good supervision by parent);
- clearly it was an accident – I don’t believe in getting angry with children (or anyone else for that matter) for accidents – breakable things should not be in reach of children or else we (as adults) take the risk on our own shoulders…
- I see nothing in this post where the mother apologised to the store and offered to pay for the broken toy (in my book this is tantamount to stealing – she should at least have offered – whether or not the store’s insurance would pay for it is beside the point)
- her meltdown was misdirected – yes, he made a mistake but he is 6 and it was an accident – she is an adult and has the experience to foresee that things like this might happen and to moderate her behaviour appropriately (ie supervision and taking responsiblity and behaving like an adult).
I have ‘lost it’ on occasion but never to the point where my kids have been belittled nor felt frightened and never for an accident.
This morning is a case in point, we were all having a disorganised Monday morning, kids had forgotten things that I had reminded them repeatedly to put in their school bags. I was irritated. It was chaotic. We were running late. When we’d gone back into the house for the third time to get something they’d forgotten (still hadn’t left the driveway thank goodness), I turned to see the first retrieved item (a library bag) lying on the driveway next to the car with said child scrambling round the car trying to find it. Cue: hysterical laughing from me. Which then turned into hysterical laughing from all three kids. Stress broken.
Yes we were late (a little) but it wasn’t the end of the world and the kids went off to school (and I went off to work) smiling, enjoying the shared ‘joke’ and feeling loved.
I’m not saying every interaction is like this but seriously as parents we need to exhibit a higher level of behaviour than others because we have impressionable children depending on us not to emotionally scar them.
That’s my 2 cents worth.
@beachgoer – even people that don’t have kids are entitled to an opinion on a mother behaving badly.
In your example, if your children are young enough to be pushed in a double pram then you really can’t expect ‘gratitude’ from them. Your kids were being normal kids of their (young) age on a hot day at the beach – pouring sand over each other and fighting.
I used to cook meals that took a lot of time and energy and then feel upset when the kids didn’t even like the food. You know what I learnt? If I put in a whole heap of effort that is my issue, not theirs. They don’t owe me undying gratitude for the effort I put in. It’s my job as their mother to feed them. I also learnt that they enjoyed the meals I spent five minutes on much more – probably because I was less tired and not as stressed about them eating it. So my suggestion would be, next time, get a popsicle out of the freezer and let them play with the tap outside – less effort for you and you won’t expect gratitude or good behaviour in return.
Geez, people .. whatever happened to not judging people??? Sure, use people’s bad examples (our own and others) to highlight where engaging brain before mouth or asking empowering questions would be much better tactics, but don’t climb so high on soap boxes that you start to suffer vertigo! We rarely know all the circumstances behind someone’s behaviour and what gives us the right to sit in harsh judgement? Like we’re perfect. Ha!
Yes, the example Craig gave of this particular event clearly shows how our reactions can make a situation SO much worse. But do you think this woman WANTED that outcome? I’m sure she didn’t. And who’s to say she’s not still beating herself up horrifically over her behaviour, and trying to make it up to her son?
Use the example. Learn from it. Remember that while you don’t have control over what just happened, you DO have control over what happens next.
Beachgoer – totally understand what you were trying to say. We’re all human and God knows we all f**k up at times. No, it’s not our behaviour of choice .. and if we can constantly reduce the situations in which it happens, then we’re making forward progress. And isn’t that the key in life? Be grateful for the lessons that this lady and Craig have shared with us.
Well I certainly got a rise out of a few people. I apologise if I came across as harsh in my post. I guess my point is not to judge others so quickly.
I have 2 very precious gems in my life and I try very hard everyday to watch and control my temper, for their sake and for mine
Peace.
Hi all,
Not to defend myself, cos I did bad by exploding at my kid, but I would like to clarify:
It was only after the customary loving patience and the humor that I reached boiling point. My guy didn’t feel like going to see the doctor that day, couldn’t blame him…but he did find a solution in handcuffing himself to the telephone pole which stands in a corner of our yard.
After frisking him for the key and realizing it was not in his tiny little pockets, he sent me on a wild goose chase through the house to find it.
He thought it was hilarious because he’d never seen me so paniced.
He was late for his appointment, and the only solution seemed to be to call the fire department to un-cuff him from the surprisingly durable toy handcuffs. (no, they weren’t mine)
Anyway, the other thing is, i wasn’t abusive then or ever.
I think it’s great we can all be engaged in debate and still be friends,too..
hugs
I don’t have any children myself but I was a nanny for several years. I have learned that child abuse comes from not parenting yourself. If you don’t care for your self how can you care for anything else.
I always think when people act like that in public “what is happening at home when no one is looking?” and “there goes something else for that kid’s therapist”
It is true though we get to choose not only our reactions but our whole lives. Life isn’t a bunch of chances all lined up in a row, it is a bunch of choices all lined up in a row. The beautiful part about that is your choices got you where you are and if you don’t like them… make different choices!!