Hi Guys. Hope your weekend was fun because that’s what you made it. Today’s post probably throws up more questions than it gives answers or direction. However, it will amuse, stimulate, possibly offend and definitely generate some interesting conversation about a fascinating, relevant and personal topic.
Put up Your Hand if You Ever Lie?
If your hand went up, then we now know you’re a liar. If it didn’t go up then we know you’re an even bigger liar.
When asked the question “are you a liar?” nearly 97% of people answer “no”. When the remaining 3% (self-confessed liars) are subjected to questions calibrating their real, rather than perceived honesty, they turn out to be, on average, 28 times more honest than the people who claimed they never lie. One of the most prolific liars in history was US president Richard Nixon, who researchers found to have lied on record 837 times on a single day. *WikiAnswers
Geeze, that’s a lot of fibbing.
Why the Interest in Lying?
As you know, I’m a student of human behaviour; what we do, when we do it, how we do it and why we do it. In the field of behavioural psychology there aren’t too many things that interest me more than the subject of dishonesty. Or is it honesty? Anyway, I’m referring to the propensity we humans have to lie. All humans. In my job I listen to (and look at) a lot of people. Since 1987 I have personally completed over 40,000 one on one, face to face sessions. Close proximity. I get to see the pupils dilate and constrict. The nervous rash appearing on the neck. The facial ticks arise. The postural change. The awkward fidgeting. I notice the change in the pitch of the voice. And the increase in respiration. The lack of eye contact. The shift in emotional state. The defensive body language. The contradictions in their story. The anger. The denial. And often, the tears. Hence, my very absorbent clothing.
Listen to What They’re Not Saying
How can we listen to someone who isn’t speaking? Easy. Use our other senses; they will tell us what our ears can’t. We know that communication is about seven percent verbal so it’s only logical to conclude that we will learn more about people (what they think, feel, believe, expect, fear, know, have done) by watching them, than we would by listening to them. Not to say we shouldn’t listen, of course. I’m always more fascinated with what people don’t say because by saying nothing (about a certain matter) they are saying something. People are “speaking” all the time; we just need to learn their language. Pet owners will understand this concept. Once we understand that the verbal stuff is only a minor part of communication and human interaction, our relationships and reality change and our awareness shifts dramatically. If you can’t be bothered researching (and who can?) just watch an episode or three of Lie To Me. Even though it’s ‘only’ a TV show, there’s some pretty cool science and research behind it all. In other words; the truth about liars.
How Often we Fib
The average person lies 114 times every day of their life. So if you live to be eighty, you’re gonna tell somewhere around 3.3 million fibs over the course of your lifetime. Wowzer!! Can you believe that?
Don’t. I made it up. See how easy that was?
The Truth About Lies
Of course, it’s virtually impossible to acquire accurate and broadly representative statistics regarding how many times the average person lies each day – being as we’re so predisposed to… well, lying. And anyway, who’s gonna keep count? Nobody wants to be seen as a pathological liar – or any kind of liar - so even when it comes to research, we’ll continue to lie about our lying. After all, who’s gonna be honest about their dishonesty? And there-in lies (pun intended) the challenge; in order to gain reliable data we need to rely on people’s honesty. There’s some irony for you. Take a peek at the following report from the University of Massachusetts:
AMHERST, Mass. – Most people lie in everyday conversation when they are trying to appear likable and competent, according to a study conducted by University of Massachusetts psychologist Robert S. Feldman and published in the most recent Journal of Basic and Applied Social Psychology. The study, published in the journal’s June issue, found that 60 percent of people lied at least once during a 10-minute conversation and told an average of two to three lies. “People tell a considerable number of lies in everyday conversation. It was a very surprising result. We didn’t expect lying to be such a common part of daily life,” Feldman said. The study also found that lies told by men and women differ in content, though not in quantity. Feldman said the results showed that men do not lie more than women or vice versa, but that men and women lie in different ways. “Women were more likely to lie to make the person they were talking to feel good, while men lied most often to make themselves look better,” Feldman said.
What? Men lie to impress people! I find that hard to believe. BTW, have I told you how much I’m bench pressing lately?
Some Common Fibs
Lie: Yep, I’m on my way now.
Truth: I’ll leave in ten minutes. Or twenty.
Lie: No, your arse is tiny.
Truth: You look like a f**king yak from back here.
Lie: If you don’t go to sleep, Santa won’t come next week.
Truth: He’ll come (won’t he?).
Lie: The dog ate my homework.
Truth: There ain’t no homework. Or dog.
Lie: Yep, this assignment is all my work.
Truth: I am the cut and paste king.
Lie: I was working late.
Truth: I’m a Dirtbag.
Lie: No, I’m busy tonight.
Truth: I don’t like you.
Lie: I’ll get back to you.
Truth: I’ll never contact you.
Lie: Yep, I’ve nearly finished.
Truth: I haven’t started.
Lie: I’m really careful with my food.
Truth: Careful not to let others see how much I eat.
Lie: No, I’ll be fine (sob).
Truth: Can I have some attention and sympathy?
Lying Etiquette
So now we’ve established that you’re part of the Pants-on-Fire Fraternity…
1. What are your lying rules?
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
3. Is it okay to lie if we have noble intentions?
4. Should we ever lie to our kids? (an example?)
5. They say “the truth will set you free” but perhaps sometimes a strategic lie will save someone a lot of pain – what do you think?
6. What about you more spiritual and/or religious (not always the same thing) folk, what are your thoughts?
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie?
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way?
9. Are you aware of your lying?
10. Surely, it’s okay to lie to your girlfriend about her upcoming ’surprise’ birthday party?
Now, of course I don’t expect you to answer all of the above questions (or any for that matter) but I thought they might be good conversation-starters. Off you go Pinocchio. 
And in answer to your question…
Q. Do you ever lie Craig?
A. Only when I’m awake.
Other than that, never. 
xx
{ 25 comments… read them below or add one }
Reminds me of two great 80’s songs:
Lies lies lies yeah – they’re gonna get you
Would I lie to you honey
I think a lot of us do white lies as habit, for example, I went on a Malyasia Airlines flight in 94 from Brisbane to Auckland and the plane dipped horrifically. But I still tell of the time we nearly crashed. Errrr, the 747 was not really anywhere near that happening but it makes for a more drama farmer/queen story to impress bored people
Anyway wanted to comment on the deception part, that is, withholding information. This is why I have cut ties with some mates of mine (remember that may not be forever) because last weekend I found out one was feeding information about me to others. I can forgive, tons of posts of your blog to deal with the issue. But in terms of deception, it depends on what it is.
Another example is my mum when we were tidying up her things to go into storage about her passing I found a report from last year saying her kidneys had gone to stage 3 chronic, which meant maybe dialysis would not have worked anymore or something like that. Again, these situations are not about condeming or upsetting, but my point is at what point is deception? Maybe somethings are withheld not to upset or the person who is doing the deceiving does not want to get caught out.
But, all forgiven, I’ve done it to so no glass houses thanks.
Lies save hurt feelings and I think a lot of people who say they tell ‘the cold, hard truth, no matter what’ are probably selfish, uncaring individuals. Sure, THEY’LL feel good for getting their guilt, etc off their chest, but what about the person for whom NOT knowing the truth was better off?
1. What are your lying rules?
No rules – each ‘event’ on its own merits.
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
When it has a positive effect – eg. to boost another’s confidence. Especially true when the target may be something they can’t change (their big nose), as opposed to something that they really need some constructive honesty about (their fat arse).
3. Is it okay to lie if we have noble intentions?
It’s OK to lie in many circumstances. Really depends on whether the other person will be better or worse off for the lie v. the truth.
4. Should we ever lie to our kids? (an example?)
Absolutely! They will have plenty of time and opportunity to learn how tough and cruel the world can be, but while they’re in their formative years and gaining self-confidence, assisting that by drilling into them how good they are, etc, etc can do wonders for their self-believe. I know I was always told how intelligent and creative I am, and I’ve never questioned that or my ability to do whatever I chose. On the other side, I was ridiculed for how I look, which continues to hammer my self-worth to this day in our very visual, competitive society.
5. They say “the truth will set you free” but perhaps sometimes a strategic lie will save someone a lot of pain – what do you think?
Yep – totally agree.
6. What about you more spiritual and/or religious (not always the same thing) folk, what are your thoughts?
That it’s not what comes out of your mouth that defines who you are as a soul, or where your journey will take you after your time on earth – it’s what comes out of your heart. And yes, lies have a place in this world, and in communication and relationships.
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie?
Yep, same effect. Taking your wedding ring off, chatting to someone and giving them every indication that you are available is every bit as much as a lie as saying the words “yes, I’m single”.
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way?
Yes .. but ultimately I took back my power.
9. Are you aware of your lying?
Mostly. I think. Is my nose getting longer??
10. Surely, it’s okay to lie to your girlfriend about her upcoming ’surprise’ birthday party?
Hell, yes! Because it’s actually for her benefit and her enjoyment. Don’t be such a self-righteous wet blanket!
Lying to yourself also has a valid place. If we always told ourselves only the truth, we would be chained to past experiences and may never create real change in our lives. We need faith – belief without evidence – to push ourselves further than we’ve ever been. And part of that can be telling yourself something that, on the surface, at least, isn’t true. I am an athlete. Even if I’m carrying a few extra kgs and the rest of the world would laugh their arse off at my saying that, if telling myself that changes my behaviours to ACT like an athlete, then I’m on the way to changing my world .. or at least the version of me that’s in it! Fake it until you make it. Lying definitely has a part to play in that, and I don’t see anything wrong with it.
So there.
Suz
xx
1. What are your lying rules?
If I have to think about the lie, I’ll get caught in it anyways, so it’s better to tell the truth.
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
“Do these jeans make me look fat?”
Truth: “No, your fat makes you look fat.”
Yeah… that question is just bad. If you need people to validate your appearances, then the jeans aren’t going to make you happy.
3. Is it okay to lie if we have noble intentions?
Sort of. Noble intentions aren’t enough… though are a prerequisite. After determining that the lie is noble, figure out how hard to verify the truth is, and whether the risks (losing a friend, losing trust from your friend’s friends, etc.) are worth it.
4. Should we ever lie to our kids? (an example?)
Yes, but very rarely. I personally disagree with validating a person just to build their self esteem, no matter their age… I believe that tact is far more effective at building self esteem than simply pumping someone with pride, because eventually the lies will be proven wrong by outside influences… Also, false pride leads to delusions that could seriously stunt a person’s development later… If a child believe that they’re smart, they stop trying to learn at school… which then puts them further and further behind.
5. They say “the truth will set you free” but perhaps sometimes a strategic lie will save someone a lot of pain – what do you think?
I think that the word “strategic” is most important… Diplomacy goes much further in terms of saving people pain, whether the truth is being told or not.
6. What about you more spiritual and/or religious (not always the same thing) folk, what are your thoughts?
My spiritual perspective: Lies are generally bad, and are often used to control others. They are a tool that should be used sparingly.
My religious perspective: I don’t have a religious perspective.
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie?
Intentional omission is the same as a lie… My definition of a lie is anything done with the intention to deceive.
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way?
The lie that had the greatest impact on my life was religious in nature. However, because everyone’s beliefs determine their reality, and a small minority of people believe that what I was lied to about is in fact the truth (and they’re actually living happy lives, despite choosing to continue the deception), I won’t stir the pot by going into details.
9. Are you aware of your lying?
I’m aware of all of the lies I’m aware of…
I try hard to be aware, but it is an unconscious habit, and part of the human condition. I know that there are lies I’m not aware of, logically, but I can’t come up with any examples.
10. Surely, it’s okay to lie to your girlfriend about her upcoming ’surprise’ birthday party?
Yep… sure is… as long as you know her well enough to be able to predict how she’ll react, and whether she considers holding a secret to be a break in trust.
Hi Craig,
Geez. You do enjoy opening cans of worms, don’t you? Should we call you ‘The Worminator’? (Yeah, I know, that was fairly lame. Whatever …)
My six year old boy heard you discussing this topic on the radio yesterday morning. He said: ‘Sometimes it’s ok to tell a lie, isn’t it? Like when a girl in your class with really ugly hair asks you if it’s pretty and you say it’s pretty so you don’t hurt her feelings?’ Yes, I’m very proud. That child will go far.
I’ve always believed that I’m a terrible liar so I tend to avoid them as much as possible. However, (apparently) those who say ‘I’m a terrible liar’ are the worst kind. Great – now I’m deluded as well as dishonest.
I’ve only tackled some of your questions because otherwise I’ll be here all day and I have to pack to fly to Paris tomorrow (That was a lie: I’ll be dropping the kids to school, going to the gym, and picking up my new shoes. I might even have coffee with a friend. Oh no, that was a lie. I don’t drink coffee, I just said it as a generic term. Damn. Maybe I am deluded …)
1. What are your lying rules?
Make up the rules as you go along.
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
How about when my husband comes home with a bunch of long-stemmed red roses? (Clearly, he’s about to tell me about another impending business trip.) I hate red roses. I love tulips, poppies, peonies, daisies, oriental lilies, gerberas, irises, orchids, sunflowers, magnolias and daffodils. I love roses in any colour other than red. Red roses are just so unimaginative, gothic and depressing – they remind me of the creepy Miss Havisham in Great Expectations.
Do I tell the truth? Do I ask him why, after being together for 18 years, he doesn’t know that I hate red roses?
Of course not. I lie. Is that ok? Absolutely.
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way?
Yep. How about ‘Of course I’m divorced.’ Enough said?
9. Are you aware of your lying?
What lying?
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie?
Ouch. Um. Hmmm. Ok. Well, maybe. What’s the difference between deception and respect for privacy? Do we need to reveal everything that goes on in our heads? Do we need to blurt out every little fear or fantasy? I don’t think so. Of course, failing to tell a prospective husband ‘by the way I was born a man’, might be stretching the boundaries of ‘privacy’ a little …
Sometimes people reveal information to ease their own conscience, to make themselves feel unburdened, rather than having any consideration for the person who then has to deal with that revelation. Like the eighty year old who will divulge to her husband on her deathbed: ‘By the way, You know Harry? Our third son? He’s not yours’. The poor husband will spend the next few years interrogating milkmen, postmen and that guy who came to repair the hot water service back in 1958. What has been achieved? Nothing.
Perhaps we shouldn’t get too legalistic or holier-than-thou about little white lies? I’m not talking about criminal or deliberately hurtful lies, they’re a whole different ballgame; I’m talking about ‘What do you think of our new sofa?’ lies. Perhaps we should view some lies in terms of push-up bras. Yes, strictly speaking they’re false-advertising but don’t they make the world a prettier place? Don’t they give everyone a little lift? Where’s the harm in that?
Christina xxx
Hey Craig !
I would love to take the time to give my in-depth opinion on this topic but it’s late and I need to go to bed. And that’s not a lie…. not totally anyway !!
When my kids were little and they used to get up to “stuff” and then fib about it, I used to tell them “Lying about it is worse than what you did in the first place, so tell the truth and you won’t get into trouble”. They still remember that and use it on their own kids !
But yes, there are times when a white lie is OK… even necessary sometimes… as long as it hurts no-one. Other than that, I prefer honesty.
{{HUG}}
Tina
This is spot on, as they say.
I lie; you lie; we ALL lie — and that’s the truth
Very interesting! With all the food for thought you provide, I’m pretty amazed that I don’t have a fat head!
1. What are your lying rules?
Don’t lie to be hurtful. Also, don’t tell the truth to be hurtful.
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
To avoid hurting someone’s feelings.
3. Is it okay to lie if we have noble intentions?
I try never to promise anything I’m not sure I can deliver. If I’m not sure, my answer is usually ‘We’ll see.’
4. Should we ever lie to our kids? (an example?)
I believe some things are best witheld from kids, or at least simplified into an age-appropriate explanation. Things that are in the past (such as things that happened before they were born), that don’t really have any impact on them, are not neccessary to reveal, especially if it might undermine their respect for certain family members.
Other fun traditions, such as Santa Claus, Tooth Fairy, Easter Bunny, etc. are just that. They’re fun! Kids eventually figure this out on their own, and I’ve never seen one who is angry at their parents for encouraging them to believe. My kids, 17 & 21, still get stuff from Santa. Of course they know better, but it’s still fun to pretend!
5. They say “the truth will set you free” but perhaps sometimes a strategic lie will save someone a lot of pain – what do you think?
As I said above, you shouldn’t tell the truth to be hurtful. If you feel compelled to be brutally honest with someone, think carefully about why you want to do that. Does the other person stand to gain anything from it? Is it genuinely helpful? Can you suggest an improvement, rather than put them down? Why be harsh when you can get the same results in a nicer way? Besides, much of what we consider to be the ‘truth’ is strictly our opinion.
6. What about you more spiritual and/or religious (not always the same thing) folk, what are your thoughts?
I have spiritual/religious beliefs, but they include not intentionally harming anyone. I try not to openly lie to anyone, but I may avoid telling someone the truth if I feel it will only be hurtful. There’s enough negativity in the world. I always try to find something positive to say. I was brought up on ‘If you can’t say something nice, don’t say anything at all.’
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie?
There are some things which should remain private. Things that are in the past that have no impact on others are nobody’s business. Intentionally deceiving someone, however, is wrong. ‘Leaving out’ the fact that you’re married in order to score with that hottie at the bar (who may have also ‘left that out’) is wretched.
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way?
Yep. But at least once I busted him, I had the strength to walk away.
9. Are you aware of your lying?
Usually. Especially when I’m making excuses for being late. (My most overt lie.) Other situations may include keeping the peace or protecting someone’s feelings. I’m pretty aware of when I am ‘fudging’ the truth.
10. Surely, it’s okay to lie to your girlfriend about her upcoming ’surprise’ birthday party?
Of course! The intent is ultimately to make her happy. Witholding a bit of information, or even making excuses, is all a means to a happy ending. And revealing a surprise, especially somebody else’s surprise, is just crappy!
Just my views on the subject!
Sandra
I am actually a bit shocked by all the comments stating that it’s okay to lie when the truth would make someone feel bad. I really wonder if anyone has the right to deside this for another. I would rather hear an unpleasant truth than a pleasant lie. I mean, you don’t have to tell someone their new dress is dreadful, but saying it’s beautiful is really going to far in my oppinion. You could just say it’s not your style.
Note about parents lying to their childrens (in the case of honesty, I am not a parent). My mum told me that when she finally told me about Santa, my reaction was: “you lied to me”. I would say: don’t lie to your kids. Not ever. The deserve better.
Also, I think parents tend to be a bit hypocritical about lying. On the one hand they say to their children that lying is bad. Then situations come up when they suddenly ask their children to lie. I can remember having my dad ask me to lie about my age to get a better entrance fee, and my mum asking me to lie to the dentist about getting fluor tablets (long story). I know they ment weel, but looking back it makes little sense.
@Christina You really should have told him about the roses 18 years ago, girl.
Ok well firstly there is different between communication, discernment, safety and appropriateness with those ground rules set…
1. What are your lying rules?
White lies are okay, You never lie about fidelity, what you want out of life, or where you are really at
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
It is okay to lie to those who want to or could use it against you. ie at work if someone asked if I ever did drugs and to tell them would cause them to have bagage on me then I can say NO. It would not be okay if I still took any to say NO.
3. Is it okay to lie if we have noble intentions? To save anothers life yes…
4. Should we ever lie to our kids? (an example?) mmm ideally No however due to age and maturity of children you may not for example be able to tell the entire truth to a 3 year old as to how we have babies but you dont make up garbage.. children should live in truth.
5. They say “the truth will set you free” but perhaps sometimes a strategic lie will save someone a lot of pain – what do you think? The truth (self truth) will set you free, and I dont really believe in lies… however this is where I think people get misplaced.. it is NOT my role to tell you everything wrong with you nor is it your role to tell me… is that really honesty (only if I ask) otherwise it is abuse…
6. What about you more spiritual and/or religious (not always the same thing) folk, what are your thoughts? A/Above I am not at all religious however I believe in Spirituality.. and to me that is self honesty and if in a partnership … them team honesty
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie? That is not deception that is discipline in some cases..and safety.. we live in the real world not fairy land..and some people are NOT safe and NOT so developed we need to discern this before randomly opening our mouth
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way? YES
9. Are you aware of your lying? Yes I believe I am
10. Surely, it’s okay to lie to your girlfriend about her upcoming ’surprise’ birthday party?.. Um I am not really in agreement of this…
OOOHHH confession time – I love me a good confessional Brother Craig – halleluia
I am a truthful person with integrity
– but I do sometimes lie for a few reasons:
1. they should always be ‘white’ lies.
2. if the truth would hurt the other person too much and would not contribute anything ie telling someone they’ve got a huge backside will only succeed in making that person feel embarrassed and belittled – they KNOW they have a huge backside and it’s not up to me to tell them that.
3. if it adds something to the magic that is life and does no harm ie the whole Santa thing with kids.
4. Lies should never hurt the other person.
At the end of the day I believe that the truth and lies are on the same spectrum – just at opposite ends – it’s in the middle where it gets grey.
So to answer your questions:
1. What are your lying rules? see above ‘first do no harm’
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?) see above
3. Is it okay to lie if we have noble intentions? Yes I believe so.
4. Should we ever lie to our kids? (an example?) Yes – see above about Santa. With my kids it’s more about shielding them from the truth a bit if it is harsh or too much for them to handle (age/maturity wise). So in that sense I don’t lie but I don’t give them ALL the information because it’s too much for them.
5. They say “the truth will set you free” but perhaps sometimes a strategic lie will save someone a lot of pain – what do you think? We life in an imperfect world. If we deal in absolutes (including absolute truth) then life would be pretty harsh and unemotional and in some cases unbearable.
6. What about you more spiritual and/or religious (not always the same thing) folk, what are your thoughts? See above about the spectrum of truth/lies and absolutes.
7. Is deception (not sharing certain information perhaps) the same as a lie? Yes it is but in some cases it is (in my opinion) needed. See above.
8. Have someone else’s lies impacted your reality in a big way? No. I can usually pick really big lies. And con-men (people?). I’m sure that people tell me ‘white’ lies all the time but that’s OK. I’m not their conscience nor confessor.
9. Are you aware of your lying? Yes I know everytime I lie. I’m a bad liar (stammer and go red etc) and that’s why I try to tell the truth wherever possible.
10. Surely, it’s okay to lie to your girlfriend about her upcoming ’surprise’ birthday party? Yes it is and that’s what I’m talking about.
Just because I have sex that doesn’t make me a prostitute…and in the same way, just because I tell ‘white’ lies against a background of 99% truthfulness that does not make me a liar. (or perhaps I’m in denial?
)
I’m a terrible lier, – I just smirk or giggle so instead of lying I avoid the topic and most people would probably know the truth from that.
I’m not so good with secrets either! If it’s a deep secret told in confidence and I say I won’t tell anyone I won’t, (except my Mum or sister sometimes) who claim to be good secret holders. My bad………gotta improve there I see!
I have a quick question to Mr Harper if he has time to answer, – don’t lie!!!
I am intending to do some triathlons this season, – 4-6 between Super sprint and sprint distance. First one will be on Australia Day 2010, then a few more up until April working toward the sprint distance, (750m swim/20km bike/5km run). I did 2 super-sprint ones last season and over the past few years have spent much time getting in and out of shape/training intensely for periods of time getting my best 10km run time down to 51 mins. Have also done swimming, big bike rides and resistance training time to time.
I am in the predicament of wanting for many reasons to lose 15/20kg again, (ideally forever) over the next few months. I know how to do that, (matter of doing it). HOWEVER I want to work toward doing the Olympic distance triathlon in Noosa next year, – train for the year and arrive feeling in top shape and well prepared. I would expect to finish toward the back somewhere in the 30-34 age group category but would set targets and do my best. I do realise it’s lots of consistent work between now and then if it can be a reality, – would rock!
Some respected trainers say I should just focus on losing the fat first, (through low-moderate carbs, more weight training and short high intensity interval training and powerwalking over next few months) as to them triathlon and endurance training uses too many carbs and is too hard on overweight bodies. I realise there is no one size fits all and it would differ from person to person.
Current pics are on my blog. I intend to do it, (know how I would) unless you think the weight loss and tri aspirations together are an absurd idea.
Cheers
Sorry, the Noosa tri is an Olympic distance one: – 1.5km swim, 40km bike and 10km run. I forgot to say that!
I’m definately in the fraternity – I’m a detective and have been for many years – I’ve always said my job involved being lied to every day and I had to sort out any odd moments of truth that may intentionally or accidentally pop up – and also disprove the lies. I’m pretty good at picking up on lies in ways similar to those you describe Craig.
And lies have caused me a massive amount of personal harm – I have put in a concerted effort to not lie since things went quite horribly wrong.
Since the start of 2008 the more overt signs of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder started to show and initially my plan was ‘ignorance is bliss’ (lying to myself) which didn’t really pan out – then in addition to the severe emotional responses I was experiencing, I started to really struggle to complete basic tasks at work and became agoraphobic – so my new plan was ‘covert avoidance strategies’ (lying to my friends, family, bosses & work colleagues) which I was able to run with for far longer but sadly caused me to become so buried in psychological mess – that I ended up having a complete break down in May 2009. In maintaining the lies of “I’m all good” – I incorporated dysfunctional coping strategies to get through work, social functions etc – and for the record – this is not “all good” – it’s quite the opposite.
I’m still seeing my therapist – there has been some very dark times and feelings of complete hopelessness – but I’ve worked through these and found that facing the truth about me was what caused me to experience these difficult times – but coming to terms with the truth actually has set me free. A very important part of my healing started when I began being truthful about what was happening with the people I had been lying to for so long.
I still lie – but it is far less often – I assess each time I do this in terms of the benefit / harm associated with being truthful first and then going with a lie if I’m ok with it. Sometimes rather than lying I could say I’m being ‘diplomatic’ – but then I’d be being less than honest about not speaking the truth
Hi Lier,
I’m not gonna answer all the questions, but one or two fascinated me, so I’ll go with those…
1) The spiritual question – ahhh, now we know that you yourself are ’spiritual’, at least I believe you to be, so if you lie and you’re spiritual than….er, good….’cos it doesn’t take away from you being you…the spiritual you, I don’t think.
Is this making sense ?? Hello ?? Is thing on???
Sorry, I digress. Now, basically when I asked myself that particular question – the one about being spiritual and lying, I got the same answer ie that it doesn’t matter (unless ofcourse, the lie is a whopper and could somehow harm/hurt another). Lying should at least be a bit ethical.
Also, if we think about the whole religion thing – that story of the loaves and the fishes has quite a few holes in it, don’t ya’ think?
Perhaps Jesus was ‘having us on’ a bit there. But…. he wanted to make a point and illustrate something…so, who minds if he was er….a bit liberal with the truth. I don’t.
So there we go – ethical lying is okay (in my books).
2) Do I lie to my kids? Often. Actually sometimes I just try not to answer their questions…soooo many of them…. I like a bit of silence sometimes. So if I think telling them the truth will result in a tirade of further questions/requests and/or “Tell me, I just wanna to know” type comments, then yes, I lie. To keep the peace. Mine, not theirs.
To answer their endlessly inquisitive minds all the time with the truth is …er, not always a good idea. The hardest one I had to lie about though was this one – “MUM, THE TOOTH FAIRY’S REAL ISN’T SHE. YOU WOULD TELL ME IF IT WAS JUST YOUR PARENTS, WOULDN’T YOU?” Gulp. “Yes, I would tell you and of course, she’s real. Silly. ”
I then went on with an elaborate story about tooth fairies and by the time I was finished, I had totally convinced myself that the tooth fairy was real !!
3) Was there a question about lying about your age?? I do that too……it’s a female thing, I suppose.
Anyhow, thanks for the post…..it was fun! And interesting.
cheers,
Mon ( )
“Q. Do you ever lie Craig?
A. Only when I’m awake.”
By default, you are a liar. Why? Because all past and present (and future) PT’s and exercise science guru’s lie. “Give me two more.” When does 2 = 2? Never.
Thing is, we still love you. Because it’s for our benefit that you lie. Though, please continue telling us what we NEED to hear not what we WANT to hear. eg. I have a mountain to climb in 10 months. Don’t go telling me its going to be easy, will you. I wont believe you.
( )
hi Craig,
Yep, Ive lied and if i had my time over again i would lie again.
when its been to save my kids feelings when once again dad had walked out on us yep I lied.
When he promised to turn up to take them out and didnt yep I lied.
I think the worse lie was the one i told myself that it was me that caused him to stray numerous times.
But when the kids were older i told them the truth as well and found out that they already knew what dad was up to and now my eldest who is 19 doesnt want to know his father.
Sometimes i think we lie to protect ourselves and others , doesnt always make it right but sometimes telling the truth can do more bad then good.
I’m a liar. I like to think I trade in the “small” lie (I’m okay that you dropped 20 plates on my foot, didn’t hurt a bit….don’t worry about it) – and it will depend on how well I know you. I’m more likely to lie to a stanger than a good friend – because a good friend will know when I’m lying to them.
But I really detest the big lie (the denying of cheating on the partner eg). Like another poster said – its about the ethics of the lie and where it fits in the moral code you have. While I think its fine to lie about my name being “ghatti” to have some anonimity on the web, I don’t think its fine to say that I’m single if I’m married (eg)
Hi Everyone – thanks for sharing your thoughts. Interesting stuff. As always. Busy day for me. Hope you’re all having some fun.. xx
Hi Craig,
Yep the sad reality is we all lie at some point or another. Unfortunately from the beginning of time we have bought into the lie which life, experience, culture etc etc has taught us and that is we are of little value.
I believe that the root of lying is FEAR – if not why do we do it. Fear of failure, rejection etc etc.
To quote Maryanne Williamson “Our deepest fear is not that we are inadequate. Our deepest fear is that we are powerful beyond measure.”
Perhaps if and when we truly come to a place of accepting and believing this TRUTH maybe then we will stop lying firstly to ourselves and then to others.
Have an awesome week
Cheryl ( )
Hi Pip,
I am no Craig however i did read your post and ask the question what is your priority
1) to loose weight or
2) compete/take part in the tri?
And thirdly have you accessed your current fitness levels?
Personally I would think the weight would take care of itself if you were fit enough to do what you set out as the course.. But rather than set yourself up for disappointment I do ask the following the questions
1) do you know what your baseline line is and can you maintain this?
2) now ask yourself can you maintain this going up hill?
3) you will also need to find out how to eat and train on the run
I dont really know your past so it is difficult to guage this one.. but I do know we do not become olympians overnight, it is good to have goals that drive us… but really at the end of the day it all comes down to maintenance? Can you or are you prepared to maintain this?
I would suggest prioritising your goals, finding out the details ie I do know to do a tri you not only need great fitness as a base line but the trick is to put it all together ie. your training would be 30 km bike ride, swim, next day run & swim back to back etc…This is massive to do one after the other even with great fitness will take a hell of a lot of planning, fitness, determination and obsolute focus..
Personally I start small and get bigger.
Hi all!
I love how writing about a topic can clarify my thoughts, especially after reading others’ ideas. I want to reply especially to Adam’s post, but everyone has interesting things to say (really, I’m not lying).
Adam said:
2. When is it okay to lie? (an example?)
“Do these jeans make me look fat?”
Truth: “No, your fat makes you look fat.”
Yeah… that question is just bad. If you need people to validate your appearances, then the jeans aren’t going to make you happy.
I say: I think this is a good way for those of us who lie a lot to avoid the discomfort involved with telling people something they may not want to hear (yep, I think people tell white lies more to relieve their own discomfort than to protect others, well, at least that’s why I usually do it).
Reframing the question to which your answer is a lie might be a good solution (if you, like me, think you need to stop telling “white” lies). Before I come out with some nearly automatic, sugar-coated response in the future, I’m going to try to ask myself, “Why is this person asking me this? Can I address this question in some other way? Do I have to address this question at all?”
Thanks for the new perspective!
Another take on “lying”: the truth/lie dichotomy assumes that there is a truth. In my experience, I’ve found that even when people are on the same page in their thoughts and awareness, they’re rarely on the same sentence and even more rarely on the same word, by which I mean that no matter if you’re lying or telling the truth about something. the recipient of your lie or truth may interpret it differently than you intended anyway, making the whole thing even more complex.
Another thought – lying and telling the truth is culturally based. When I’m in Germany, far fewer people spare their actual thoughts in social (potentially embarrassing) situations (”yes, those jeans look terrible on you”, “that pimple is really big”, “you’re setting a bad example for your children”, but conversely, “no, you don’t look fat – why do you always say that?”). I’ve found that if the remark is remotely fact-based (fat rolls are pouring of the jeans, the pimple is about to burst, you’re crossing the street in front of a car, you ask ten times a day if you look fat), then German people will simply remark on those facts, no matter if they might be embarrassing. Americans (I grew up in the States) will call attention away from uncomfortable facts (I do this too – my sister does not like to clean, it is a fact, but I act as if I do not notice the piles of dishes even though it makes me uncomfortable). It took me awhile to get used to the more frank German communication style and sometimes it hurts a bit, but in the end, as long as it is fact-based, these remarks are actually helpful in making me more aware of “reality” and moving me forward than comments that distract my attention and make me feel good.
Thanks for the opportunity to consider these ideas.
Hi Pip. Email me your mobile number and I’ll give you a quick call and answer your question… x
I lied to my 3 year old the other day when she found a vibrator hidden in my wardrobe, I told her it was a headache machine, and that she will have one, one day too, when she is much older. Just a little white lie, but an appropriate one I thought.
An average person lies 114 times a day? I don’t think I lie that much a day. In fact, I don’t think I say 114 things a day. Well, it’s an average, after all, so it’s probably inflated by telemarketers and shady used-car salesmen.
well the biggest lie one can tell is the ones we tell ourselves.
like i did this weekend i took a drink and got high this weekend, I figure I’d just spend x amount , but it did not work that way. i’m
feeling like i cant move forward with things i need to. but i tell myself
don’t stay in that rut and most important don’t give up cuz god
won’t.