No Pain, No Gain

Hi everyone, it’s CJ. Thanks for all your wonderful comments in response to my last post about parenthood. Could Paulina, Melinda, MS and Claire please email Johnnie with your postal details by clicking ‘Get In Touch’ at the bottom of the page and he will send you something cool. Enjoy the rest of your week. x

From Inspiration to Transformation 

We’ve all been there. Well, some of us. We’ve sat in Craig’s workshops, we’ve watched his DVDs, we’ve read his website. We have been inspired, entertained, moved, motivated, educated and (more than likely) a little bit impressed. Periodically, distressed. Pissed off, even.

Craig always warns us, though, that as much as he can get us fired-up momentarily, what really interests him is how we change our lives in the weeks, months and years which follow our ‘moment’. In other words, what we do (or don’t do) once the excitement and euphoria subside. Which it will. Being human and all.

We know that it is possible to transform words of wisdom and personal development (type) inspiration into lasting positive change but it’s all in the doing – not the knowing. We also know that it is tough to do on our own. So, have you ever wondered what it would be like to have Craig Harper’s feedback and input (specific to you) on an (almost) daily basis?

Dial 1300BICEPS

As some of you may know, I attended the first RYL weekend in May 2009. After listening to Craig, I knew that the time had come to lose my fat arse and possibly, some of my precious-ness (a word). Once home, I arranged telephone mentoring sessions with Craig (we live about 900 km apart) because I suspected that my arse and my mind were very heavy loads to shift on my own.

Part of our first mentoring session went like this:

CH:      What gets you excited? What would you really like to do?
CJ:        Rally-driving.
CH:      Why don’t you do that?
CJ:        I can’t drive a manual.
CH:      (bloke-snigger) What else?
CJ:       Writing. I love writing but I haven’t done it since uni.
CH:      So do that. Write for an hour a day. Email me what you write.

An Offer I Couldn’t Refuse 

A few months later, after Craig had endured daily instalments from Ms Prolific, he asked me to start writing occasional posts for his site.  

CH:      Your hourly rate will be exactly the same as mine.
CJ:       Isn’t that, like, nothing?
CH:      Yep.
CJ:       Hey, can I have a fifteen percent payrise?
CH:      Leave the funny stuff to me, Princess. 

Of course, the self-doubt monster immediately started pounding on my door. How would Craig’s readers react to me? Would they complain or, worse still, not read my posts? For them, would it be a bit like going to a U2 concert only to find Bono’s slightly overweight second-cousin wearing yellow sunglasses singing ‘Even Better Than The Real Thing’? Shit.

You Can’t Handle the Truth 

I shouldn’t have worried, though, because Craig’s readers (that’s you guys) were so welcoming and accepting. Thanks.

My biggest challenge was learning how to handle feedback from the Big Guy. Because, apparently (said while rolling eyes), I’m a little precious. Okay, maybe a lot. Oh, all right, I’m a pathetic crybaby Princess. Which is so handy given that Craig can be a little, well, forthright in terms of feedback. The first few months were brutal. Well, brutal for a Princess living on Planet CJ. It seemed that every phonecall was a new episode of ‘Things That Are Wrong With You’:

Stop looking for approval.
Stop seeking compliments.
Stop writing apologetically.
Stop trying to impress me.
Nup. I don’t like that.
I hated that post.
You need to stop thinking that everyone else in the world thinks the same way as you.
Are you crying?
What the f**k were you thinking?
Too cheesy.
Too rude.
Too many brackets.
Are you being a baby again?
You need to toughen the f**k up.
You love feedback as long as it’s glowing. (ouch)

Only Hearing the Negative (because I’m, well, me) 

Of course, there was also a lot of positive feedback. Craig took the time to read my novel (which was quite a big deal given that he has been busy since 1968) and encouraged me to keep writing. He would tell me that he laughed out loud when he read parts of my post and would accurately predict which points would strike a chord with his readers. The first time he texted me ‘Awesome post. Loved it’ I cried like a teenage beauty-pageant winner. Yeah, I know, shut up.

After a while, I finally recognised that he wasn’t actually being harsh or critical at all; he was being honest. Which can be a rare thing these days. Every single conversation between us was about him telling me the truth; telling me what I needed to hear instead of what I wanted to hear. It would have been far easier for him to have sugar-coated his feedback to avoid dealing with an offended, teary princess who has more issues than ‘National Geographic’.  However, he knew right from the beginning that the ego-stroking, hand-holding approach wouldn’t facilitate the growth or improvement I needed. Because having a coach or mentor isn’t about someone else making you feel good (momentarily), it’s about working together to create lasting change and results.

Sometimes we can be so afraid of negative feedback that we (ok, that would be me), perhaps unconsciously, surround ourselves with people who will only tell us what we want to hear. Or we ask people only those questions that we know will produce the responses we’re comfortable with. While it’s important to spend time with positive people who will lift us up rather than drag us down, it’s also a good idea to seek honest, reliable feedback from people we respect and to consider it graciously. And then egg their house under the cover of darkness

Craig always reminded me that he told me the truth because he could see my potential. It took me a long time to truly understand that what I had perceived as criticism was actually constructive feedback (and also personally empowering and life-changing if I would let it be) from someone whose motives were good; someone who cared about me and wanted me to become the best I could be. Yep, I’m a slow learner.

Lessons in Pain

I now know that as much as the feedback hurt, it was necessary. And totally appropriate. My first five or six posts were awful. Truly. This isn’t false modesty, they really were terrible (you never read them because they were never published). In order to grow, learn, change and become a better version of me, I had to accept feedback without becoming defensive, offended, frustrated or sooky. Of course, I’m still working on it.

I speak to Craig almost every day and proofread (okay, spell-check and grammar-check) everything he writes (I can’t even remember how I became Chief Proofreader; it just kinda happened). Nobody else in my world speaks to me in the way that he does. He calls me on my excuses. He tells me when I’m talking like a victim; when I’m being pathetic or precious. He also makes me see what I can achieve when I’m prepared to risk criticism or constructive feedback. I know that I could never have stepped onto a stage to try stand-up comedy had I not gone through the painful process of learning to write on this site. Craig didn’t give me more ability (no coach, mentor or expert can) but he did help me begin to explore and use what I had been wasting for years.

Stunted Growth

He often warns us that our aversion to discomfort can prevent us from reaching our potential. Perhaps when we over-protect ourselves, when we shoot the messenger, when we avoid situations where we may feel vulnerable, when we run from possible emotional pain and when we bubble-wrap our lives, we actually stop ourselves from truly living and discovering who and what we might become beyond the fear and the issues. Yes, we may feel safe and comfortable, but we may never experience anything extraordinary or discover what we can really do.

Which reminds me of my favourite scene from ‘Finding Nemo’:

Marlin:       I promised I’d never let anything happen to him (Nemo).
Dory:          Hmm. That’s a funny thing to promise.
Marlin:       What?
Dory:          Well, you can’t never let anything happen to him. Then nothing would ever happen to him. Not much fun for little Harpo. 

Looking forward to hearing your thoughts. Hugs all round.

CJ xox

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