I have a moderately high profile here in the little fish-bowl that is Melbourne, Australia. I’m definitely not famous but it’s fair to say that my name and the name of my business are both quite well known. Having a profile can be both an advantage and a handicap. As can having no profile. One day when I was in my late twenties – about three weeks ago 
– I had an interesting and memorable conversation with a friend of mine. At that point in time, my business had just started to take off and one of the by-products of that growth and success was an increasing profile. Anyway, one of my buddies was at my gym doing a workout and we were engaged in what seemed to be, a very unspectacular and typical conversation. Unspectacular and typical until he informed me that he had recently met “a bloke who hates you”. That is, me.
A Challenge for the People Pleaser
Being the ex-fat kid and chronic people pleaser that I was at that stage of my journey, my heart sank. Before I even knew who my critic was, I was wondering why he didn’t like me, what I had “done wrong” and how I could change his impression of me. I momentarily switched my attention back to my buddy and the conversation and enquired as to the identity of my detractor. When my friend told me who the Craig-hater was, I was dumb-founded because I had never even heard of him. ”Who”, I asked again. He told me his name once more. “What does he look like? Where does he work?” After a few minutes of my very best detective work, it became apparent that the bloke who hated me… had never even met me. Ever. Never had a conversation with me. Never even been in the same room. Wow. I was stunned and if I’m being completely honest and transparent, a little hurt. Like most people, I liked being liked. And I didn’t like being disliked, especially when I didn’t deserve the er… disliking.
Since that time I have been disliked by many people. And perhaps some of it was justified… me being innately flawed and all. Both, people I’ve met and people I’ve never been in the same room as have found reason to dislike me. And I’m okay with that. Very okay. I have long since realised that that’s how the world works. How people work. The practical reality of existing in a world full of people whose behaviours, feelings, opinions and words are largely influenced by ego, attitudes, fear, greed, insecurity and social-programming is that there will always be people who will find fault in you and me. No matter how “nice” we are. Or try to be. People will always find (or perhaps create) a reason (rationale, explanation, justification) for not liking you. And of course there will also be those amazing, incredible, positive people who will encourage, support and love you no matter what.
A really interesting phenomenon about us often-insecure creatures becomes apparent when someone is liked by ninety nine people (for example) and disliked by one. Who is it that typically has the biggest impact on that person’s emotional state? Is it the one, or the ninety nine? You know the answer. Why? Because (1) on some level we have an unhealthy and unrealistic desire for universal approval and acceptance (that’s gonna wear you out) and (2) we have an uncanny knack of finding a needle of negativity in a haystack of hope - and then focusing all of our misplaced attention on that needle. We ignore the good while finding the bad. Dumb plan. And a poor investment of our emotions. Some of us consistently find new and exciting ways to complicate the simple, to misinterpret intentions and words, to over-react, to create problems out of thin air, to major on minors and to “catastrophize” the trivial and the incidental. The Drama Farmer; he sews seeds of insecurity, he waters his own self-doubt and he cultivates (creates, grows) his own problems. Avoid his produce at all costs.
Of all the human drivers, the desire to be wanted, loved and of course liked, is near the very top of the list. And while that desire is completely understandable – normal even – it can become problematic when the “want” becomes a desperate and unhealthy “need”. Not everyone will like you and that’s okay. For your own health, it needs to be okay. When it’s not, you have an issue. Get comfortable with the concept and your head will be a much healthier place to visit. Perhaps there are people who are universally liked and have zero detractors but I’ve never met one. And I won’t hold my breath.
1. Don’t compromise yourself in order to be liked. You’ll be liked by others (perhaps) and loathed by yourself. Don’t work at being popular, work at being you. It’s a lot easier and requires a lot less energy and acting.
2. Identify your core values – the things that are most important to you – and live a life in alignment with those values. That way you are being your authentic self rather than trying to satisfy somebody else’s needs, expectations, values, demands and rules. When your decisions and behaviours are a reflection of your core life values, you will be living a life of synergy, harmony and contentment, the “need” to be liked will be a non-issue.
Let me know your thoughts on this topic and enjoy your weekend. 
Ciao xx
PS: I will announce the prize winners from yesterday’s post on Monday.
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I don’t know how you do it Craig, but all of your posts lately feel like they’ve been written just for me! You have an amazing ability to tap into things that we all feel and think but very rarely articulate. Thanks for writing this.
LOL at the Drama Farmer!
Boy, can I relate to this!
I spent years sacrificing my ’self’ in order to maintain a peaceful marriage. I bent over backwards being everything he said he wanted, and not being everything he said he hated. (He had been married before, and was FULL of opinions on that!) Then, after 16 years, he checked out to be with someone who was just like his ex (whom he hated!). When that didn’t work out, he checked out permanently. At least I got the life insurance!
Since then (nearly six years now), I have been rediscovering myself, and I like me a whole lot better! My philosophy now (which I impart to anyone who will listen!) is, ‘I’d rather be hated for who I am, than loved for who I’m not!’ Because, no matter how many other people like me, it will never be enough to counteract the fact that I don’t like myself. I think I’ll just be who I want to be, thank you, and you can take it or leave it! Other people come and go, but since I’m stuck with me forever, I might as well be somebody I like!
Have a great day!
Sandra in Virginia, US
As Jerry Senfeld’s Mom said ” How could someone not like him?” Not like Craig Harper. That’s hard to believe. Another excellent, thought provoking post. Keep up the great articles. I always enjoy them. Thanks Again,
Leslie
I’ve always masked this insecurity with “going with the flow.” The person who never gets rattled or raises a ruckus. And, people seem to like me for that but internally, even if I disagree or have a different opinion, I don’t say anything… and, I don’t feel true to myself. It’s a constant battle but self-awareness is the first part of it.
Another great thought provoking post Craig. Well done. For me, and I guess a lot of others, as kids we were brought up to be quiet and obedient and it was considered extremely disrespectful to question the opinions of others or disagree – especially if they wore a suit or were ’superior’. Its a hard thing to overcome but its embracing the whole fear thing. I need to keep telling myself (especially on the not so great days) that I am important and my opinions are valuable and I dont have to bend over backwards being ‘nice’ to be respected. If others dont get that they are the ones with the problem.
I feel extremely priveleged to be a part of this community. You guys are totally awesome.
Craig, that’s me, i’m trying (doing I should say) my best to leave the need to be liked and love out of my life becuase I learnt that pleasing people actually repeals them (how strange, why would you reject someone pleasing you but anyway).
Also, in all seriousness Craig, how do you know this person that ‘hated’ you deep down was challenged by something you did. I find that that is another element, you do or say something and it pushes a button and one gets defensive and sure enough it’s by hated or putting down someone. I certainly do that, less now.
Oh and one more thing re the passive agressive issue – in this day and age sure enough it’s done through email and the internet. It’s easier to say I hate X through a medium then facing them.
Oh Wow! You’ve hit a nerve. I was having those feelings only yesterday (and come to think of it, probably every day). I think I’m getting better at dismissing the opinions and attitudes of people I don’t really know/respect, but it still stings when someone I like and admire doesn’t like me back. I feel like the puppy that keeps going back after the slap down. To be honest I’m not really confident I’ll ever get over that one…that’s not to say I won’t try to – perhaps I will spend less and less time dwelling on it. Thanks Craig. J.
A fantastic article and one so current to where I am right now! I have been the overweight kid too and was filled with insecurites, you may leave that old body behind but the securities are never far from the surface. Looking back I too have been the ultimate people pleaser, what a waste of time, because ultimately I have found the one person who you are trying to please (1 and the 99) is the one person that actually dislikes you!?? I have actually wasted time obsessing about it and getting depressed about it when really I should have had the courage to think stuff it your loss and move on!! I have never before reading your article, thought about why I had been doing it??!! I always would start disecting myself and askig what had I done, said, not said, etc, etc OMG the light bulb has just switched on and it absolutely blinding me!
Being an actual farmer I know how to grow commercial sized crops of self doubt – haha and how to manage and harvest these crop very efficiently
I will make a conscious effort to change starting right now! No more wasting my time for useless causes! Thanks Craig keep the great stuff coming!
Hey craig,
i certainly identify with being needy of being liked and suffered often with not taking a strong position but have over the years found the need lessening and now have a happy balance- i still do stuff to be likeable but the threshold is never crossed so i am usually happy with social interactions.
however i notice that if someone else is the centre of attention i switch off ( a kind of envy, maybe) – i really wish i could not have that.
bulbul
Hi Craig,
Judging from the comments above, we are not alone in our desire to be liked by ABSOLUTELY EVERYONE! Amazing you wrote about this just now, it’s something I have been tackling head-on in recent times.
In my school years (20,000 years ago!) I would have sold my soul to the devil to be liked by all. I am now at the stage where I care less about it. I do notice I still sometimes compromise myself to keep the peace and go-with-the-flow – it doesn’t happen often and it’s mostly in the relationships that mean the most to me.
Recently, there has been a person come into my sphere who doesn’t like me – don’t know why – but that’s okay. I don’t dislike her myself, but I hate her behaviour towards others. It is more than rude. At first it bothered me that she didn’t like me, but now I think it is her loss! I have come to realise that there are other powers at play here, and her problem with me, is just that … her problem.
Like Sandra said, I’d rather be the person I like. I’m getting there!!
Have a nice Friday.
Em
( ) x
Gee Craig again?
I think Im queen of the people pleasers. I want everyone to like me and do everythiing possible to make them like me.
I guess its that tape running that says “in order to be liked i must please everyone or Im no one”
Sometimes i feel like Im drowning and other times i feel like that song “What about me”?.
Im slowly understanding that not everyone is going to like you and that its not your problem. I heard a great saying once and it goes:
Whether you like me or not is mind over matter: I dont mind and you dont matter and I try to live by that but old habits die hard and leaving planet comfort zone is very scarey.
I guess when we can stand on our own pedastal and turn it ourselves then we wont be so reliant on what others think of us.
Hi. My name is Sue and I’m a People Pleaser. It’s been (counting on my fingers….) almost 12 hours since I last did something purely to please someone else and have them think good of me.
While I don’t care so much about the masses any longer .. they can think what they like of me .. it would be wrong of me to say that I’ve conquered this area. I’ve just narrowed it down. To individuals who I want to like me. Then I just lay down the welcome mat that is me. And when I do these people-pleasing things, I kid myself that I’m doing it for me .. or because I want to .. or because I’m just a good and kind person. Hogwash. I am a desperate little girl who wants some warmth and love focussed in her direction. Truth hurts .. as the tears in my eyes clearly tell me. Lucky I’m in the office alone today.
Have an awesome weekend, all.
Suz
( )
Aww, I love you Suz. And you don’t have to do anything, or even LIKE me to get my love!! You are totally awesome just as you are.
This is for you.
(( )) xxx
On fire Craig!
Exposing more wayward emotion to pile up and throw on my bonfire of useless living sticks.
btw, that is a great quote by Kurt Cobain, Sandradeon. Empowering! “I’d rather be hated for what I am, than loved for what I am not.”
“Tolerance it a tremendous virtue, but the immediate neighbors of tolerance are apathy and weakness.” – Sir James Goldsmith
“Intolerance is the most socially acceptable form of egotism, for it permits us to assume superiority without personal boasting.” – Sidney J. Harris
But if anything anyone says raise the emotional bar within, then I must welcome that experience, and immediately zero in on the belief that has triggered the response, until it is resolved.
So that is how I grow, from moment to moment, day by day, life to life!
There is a role for criticism, but it works best when the parties of the given and receiving are open to an improvement in the way things are done….physically, emotionally or spiritually.
The other role of criticism is to embellish the power base of the giver, by making the recipient feel diminished in some way, not empowered. Anger, feigned or for real, is a common tool to manipulate. If I am on the receiving end, then I have work to do as I become aware that I am but a pawn in their game. If I tolerate the bs, then I condone the stupidity of it all and continue the sufferance.
Intolerance from others can only affect me if I am fearful of an outcome.in some respect. Being fearless in the face of intolerance renders the power of the intolerant as being nothing more than a mirage.
I do tolerate being fearless in the face of intolerance!
Hello from NY…twice in 2 days, are you sick of me?
Lets revisit the law of attraction: like attracts like.
If you want to see who you really are, look at the people around you.
The people that you have attracted.
If they are all needy, selfish, whiners… you have some changes to make.
Choose to attract confident, honest and loving people. by behaving that way.
So, lets look at our friend Craig’s scenario.
The one guy that he doesn’t know, has nothing better to do that speak despairingly about
our favorite thinker. He said he doesn’t like Craig.
I say GREAT!!! Yippee!! Why would you want to attract that kind of energy?
You must really be doing something right. Throw a party for yourself.
All the other emotions that this notion of not being liked brings up,
boil down to fear. Start there. Get the practice you need to move away from fear,
so you can live in the energy of love.
Thanks for allowing me to post again.
Peace,
Diane
OMG…are you standing over my shoulder watching everything that I do? Lately your emails are so incredibly me that it’s scary!! I am trying to change the way that I react to certain situations but the comment on why don’t they like me and what have I done wrong often runs through my mind.
Yes, it is time that I became a little selfish and spent time with me and tried to work out who I am as I have spent nearly 35 years of trying to “please” everyone else.
Thanks Craig for your insight as it’s certainly making me think!!
Aww, thanks, Em! I’ll take those hugs & kisses, thank you .. I need ‘em at the moment. And I’m gonna steal some real ones in October, so be warned!
Suz
xxx
PS. And I DO happen to like you! Bonus, eh?
And people can sense when you’re trying to be liked – which itself tends to be off-putting…
G’day Craig,
For me, this issue has always had two parts and it was only when I understood the second part clearly that my life started to become a little easier.
The first half is simple. The ONLY person I have to spend 24/7 with for the rest of my life is me. So I need to like me and live in a manner and by a set of values that I care about. Everyone else’s needs come secondary to that. If you don’t like yourself, you can’t expect other’s to like you.
The second half is more complex and still gives me trouble. My values are not necessarily yours!. Just because you do not live your life by my rules or hold yourself to the same rigid standards as I do does not make you values less worthy than mine. Just different. I have certainly pushed away many potential good friends over the years for judging them by my standards and finding them wanting when really they weren’t. I am now learning to savour the differences rather than rejecting them. Life is now certainly less dull.
Suza, don’t know if a (( )) from a co – cyber commentor (that you’ve never met !) will help, but I’ll send one anyhow – ( ) for you.
Diane, from NY, please stay in this online community – I loved your comment. Agree! Living in the energy of love…..sounds tlike he place to be, to me!
I say we all let go of the need to liked together (there is safety in numbers) so as Craig said yesterday….1,2, 3…….let’s let go ! Okay, not soooo easy….but….. sounds like we’re all getting there…..
Ciao,
Mon
xxoo
PS Who couldn’t like ‘you’ Craig . Your right – some people will always misinterpret and fail to find the good. Their problem !!
Hi Craig,
LMAO @ Drama Farmer. I know a few, now I have a cute name for them.
Love your work!
Hugs,
Jo
Thanks, Mon! Yes, it all helps. But don’t worry, I’m not about to turn into a Drama Farmer
. Just being honest and it clearly touched a tender spot today, is all. Opportunity for growth and learning. Yay!
( ) back at ya!
Hi Craig,
A friend put me onto your website and I’m glad she did!! I agree wholeheartedy that you cannot be liked by everyone. I think its easy in theory but difficult to put into practice and live with it.
Do you have any words of advice for me? I have a 10 year old stepdaughter who I see only once a fortnight. My problem is….she loathes me, she has taken on board her mothers attitude of me. It seems no matter what I do, try, or say, she still looks right through me. I have gotten to the point where I barely speak to her, I just can’t be bothered…I figure that if she doesn’t like me then why should I continually try to win her over. My head tells me that I am the adult and she is the child, but my heart tells me to just give it up.
I would love to know your thoughts.
I don’t understand why people don’t like me. I’m a cool friendly person but your right people dislike you for different reasons. You have to live your life and not be consumed by peoples opinions. I learned that I have to be myself and not care if people don’t like me. I’ll end up driving myself crazy. I have to focus on those that like me and those who want to meet a cool person such as myself.
Mumstheword: I really feel for you becoz I too am a stepparent and have been for 15yrs and even had the kids living with us fulltime at one point. It is hard work and you never get any thanks for it. Too be honest I just treat them with kindness and respect like I do any other person in this household. To lower myself to any other level is just not me. Forget trying to win her over, just be friendly and don’t take it personally (easier said than done I know). We have had many ups and downs over the years but at least I can hold my head up high for doing the best I can. My 15yo DSD lives with us again so that says something. My 17yo DSS we don’t really see becoz he was quite agressive and after a few incidents I finally stood up and said I couldn’t live with that. Took me alot of years to be able to stand up for my own needs but you need to do that in any family. Hope it works out.
Jac
Hi Craig,
I am writing into your site for the very first time.
I’m a 27 year old IT professional…
Really appreciate the good work you are doing.
I couldn’t agree more about what you have said. Not so long ago I was “addicted” to good feedback (and listening to good things) about oneself ; so much so that when I came to know about the “not so good” opinion some people had about me , I was shattered.
Honestly I can never figure out why this happens ; why some people do not like me inspite of my best efforts to please them. I think this is because different people have different priorities and selfish (sometimes) intentions. When we do not match up to the blue-print of that ideal human being inside that other person’s mind , they assume that the other person is bad.
I guess accepting this (or may be not giving a damn) is called maturity/growing-up.
Keep up the good work…
Cheers!
I think now I am older I care less about what people think of me. Hasn’t always been that way though.
Suz: ‘I am a desperate little girl who wants some warmth and love focussed in her direction’. I can so relate to that becoz I have felt it my whole life. Now I just focus on what I can give to myself and not rely on outside sources. Just aswell as everyone forgot my birthday except my DH and Dad. In the past I would have felt extremely unloved but I organized a great day out with DH and DD and know others forgot becoz they are just too busy. Thinking this way has made me think of my needs first and not focussing more on other peoples like I used to. Big plus. By the way I love your posts, they crack me up.
Jacqui – thanks so much for your comment .. and I know you’re right about focussing on just giving love to myself and not relying on others. Most of the time I’m pretty good at it. I’ve spent most of my birthdays and Xmas’ alone in the last 20 years, so it came as quite a shock recently when so many people remembered my birthday and made the effort to wish me well! I must be doing something right.
You sound like you’re in a good place in your world. Well done. Getting to that point is a major achievement, I think. And I’m really glad you like my posts. Half the time I think I’m just being a pain in the arse! Again.
Have a great weekend!
Jacqui, thanks for your input and advice. I really do appreciate it. It makes me feel a bit better knowing that other families struggle with this too. I guess, only time will tell really.
Hey all!
Boy have I jumped through the hoops over the years just to please and be accepted by others. I have changed jobs, studied, taken on roles of responsibility, been in relationships that were so not good for me and in the end non of them have provided me the inner peace I so desired.
I have through age and experience come to a place where I have begun to trust in my own throughts, beliefs and values. I have found that if I trust in me, that I invest less in what others think. I still trip up but I have learnt over the time to bounce back quicker with less guilt, depression and judgement. Inner peace still working on that and I am not eating my issues like I used to either so that is progress!
I wish you all well on your journey and I hope that you look into your heart and see the great person within.
Kisses Mares xx
Suz: Certainly helps to put things in perspective when you lose the only person in your world that you felt connected to and could rely on. My dearest Mum passed away last year and let me tell you most of the things that used to go on in my head are so irrelevant in the scheme of things.
I think it is pretty normal in life to have good days and bad. On those bad days you just have to remind yourself how far you have come and give yourself a big pat on the back. Then dust yourself off and get back out there again.
Your posts are not a pain in the arse but witty. I love that sarcastic wit. Hence why I love Craig’s posts.
Sorry Craig…I am chatty today!
Jac
no matter how we prepare ourselves for our detractors, it will still come down to us getting too affected once they opened their mouths and fire away. I really hate those kind of people; people who are just out to make others feel miserable, it’s crazy.
back then, I do whatever it takes to gain everyone’s approval but yes, out of the 100 “yes” I did receive, nothing compares to the hurt I feel with 1 no. after realizing this, I stopped doing things for other and started doing things that will make me happy.
Had to put another post – Carol that’s the most practical and realistic strategy. I guess as one other poster put, it’s us we have to live with forever, not them.
I supose we are not here to be liked.. easier said than done as usual.
Awesome post! Both hands up for it!
The idea that there might be someone disliking or even hating you shouldn’t make you lose confidence. So many men, so many minds. You can’t change the world, just get on with what needs to be done.
Hi Guys – thanks for all of your thoughts, ideas, suggestions and feedback. And to all of our new commentors, we love having you on board.
xx
Hi Craig, I can definitely understand where you are coming from about not being liked. Usually the ones who don’t like us are the ones who really need to learn from us and vice versa. That’s with my experience, the people who I “hated” I actually ended up loving and being so grateful that they came into my life because I had a lesson to learn from them. That’s how I put it into perspective and let it go… I like what you have to say about focusing on our good qualities. Sometimes its easier said than done though and I think putting it into perspective is a way to let go of the Drama Farmer (lol) mentality and enjoy the journey – what do you think ?
Brendon Sinclair has a similar strategy for customers. The “No Dickhead” strategy.
Great post! I wrote a post similar to this one! I love to read other points of view, especially on people pleasing. Thank you for sharing your story!
Somebody very recently, and a somebody who should have been the one to stand by my side but who wanted to point-score and purposefully do harm, has given one-sided information about me to another someone who is a well-known malicious gossip and a schadenfreude. That information has now been passed on to copious amount of people that know and don’t know me by the schadenfreude. It’s the most painful thing that anybody has ever said about me in my life. Dealing with that hurt is bad enough, but then I’ve been struggling also with the issue of what these people will think of me now that they’ve been both schadenfreuded and given wrong information. These feelings are presently at their utmost intensity and this article has done absolute wonders for my soul. Thank you so much.
so iwas reading this, and wow, i felt like someone took the time to understand me and write this just for me! ive been told lotts of things (ie: u talk too much, ur too crazy, ur too this, ur too that)
and i realized that, no matter what, theres always going to be SOMEONE who dislikes a quality that YOU have. its IMPOSSIBLE to please everybody, and its hard to be 500 different people, as if u change ur identity for the person ur around to get them to like you.
im going to be myself, and if pple like me, yay, if they dont, fu** them.
i mean its one thing if EVERYONE is saying something about you (ie: u are mean or arrogant) but its another when every individual has a different opinion about you and it may be like “ohh… i dont like her because shes too friendly” or “i really dont like her becuase shes disoriented”
u cant change urself, its really hard.
I think this was very helpful, but how do you get people to stop talking about you behind your back???
Well another great one. I’m really changing quickly here just by reading these great posts. Thank God for people like you. One who really inspires. Cant wait to read the rest of posts. Thankyou
I think the need to please stems back to the family when there is just the three or four or five people in your life and being popular in that group is important because otherwise you feel alone. The fear of being alone dictates to need to being loved or liked or both. Of course once we grow up there are many more opportunities to be liked or loved and being alone is much slimmer than when we are a small child desperate for love…by a family that doesn’t know how to love and the fear of being alone is unbearable.
To anonymous
we can’t stop others talking about us behind our backs because we cannot control others only ourselves. We can change our response to others talking about us behind our backs. For example rather than fear the consequences we can see that we are important enough to be talked about by others and therefore we must have influenced them in someway! Bringing humour into also helps to deal with apathy of this kind.
While I was searching for a picture of a fish jumping out of a bowl, I found your article and I read a few lines. I was really touched by your words. Unfortunately, I could not read all the comments, but your words clearly depicts me as someone who seeks the approval of others.
I should say, two things you mentioned are helpful enough, but unfortunately, not for me. It’s sometimes really frightening to be myself. I fear rejection constantly. I always feel that if I be myself and strive for my own desires, then something bad will happen to me or to my loved ones. Quite superstitious and shallow. I know. but that’s how I feel.
Anyway, I enjoyed your post. I can definitely relate to that.
Thanks for the article Craig, always good to get another refresher on what is important.
i was THE “person pleaser” – “door mat” for so long (25 years) forgot what it was like not to be… no self respect, no values, no me.
5 years on… creating new me… a work in progress.
YAY ME !!!