The Following post is brought to you by the lovely CJ; our resident social commentator, thought provoker and poser of interesting questions…
She’s Out
Some of you may have heard about the recent self-imposed outing of the anonymous, fascinating blogger, ‘Belle de Jour’ whose online Diary of a London Call Girl captured the imaginations of millions of readers around the world. Given that my media blackout is still in place, I’ve been rather late in hearing about this and only became aware of it when an article was emailed to me by a friend. I’m not sure what my thoughts are about prostitution (is it ok when it’s funding a PhD in cancer research but not ok to fund a drug addiction?) but the most interesting aspect of the story to me is the concept of privacy.
Through my completely unqualified analysis of popular culture (if you’re an anthropologist, you may want to stop reading now), I’ve observed that our understanding and definition of privacy has altered over recent years. The boundaries have steadily shifted so that what we are prepared to reveal and, indeed, what we are expected to reveal, has expanded.
My Face?
One of the most obvious catalysts for this change has of course been, the internet. On Facebook, MySpace or Twitter (I still don’t understand Twitter and I think I can probably live a long and happy life without ever having to understand it) we can reveal details about ourselves ranging from the mundane ‘Charmaine is trying a new red curry recipe tonight’ to the sad: ‘Nicole just got back from the hospital. Dad had a stroke’, to the startling: ‘Amanda is now single’ (I hope Amanda emailed her husband about that news before he read it on Facebook). I completely understand the lure and benefits of Facebook, especially if one knows people in different parts of the country or the world. However, I wonder what need it meets from an emotional perspective and I also wonder what the long-term impact will be on the way we humans communicate, interact and build relationships into the future.
The Suburban Dream
Perhaps it is the fact that we, as human beings, have a strong need to connect with others. We are pack animals, not solitary creatures and as such we have an inbuilt need to feel included, accepted and part of a group – we need human contact in the same way that a plant needs light (unless you’re some kind of obscure mould, which hopefully you’re not). One could argue that with the changes in technology in the post World War Two period, we lost our sense of the ‘village’. When refrigerators became more accessible to the average wage-earner in the 1950s, housewives no longer needed to shop for food everyday. The corner store became mostly redundant as huge, impersonal supermarkets were introduced with an unfortunate by-product being that women lost some of their daily social interactions. The proliferation of the family car saw the growth of suburbia and many people leaving crowded, dynamic inner cities to live out their dreams in sterile housing developments with behavioural demarcations as rigid and immovable as their picket fences. The resultant sense of alienation and desperation to re-establish connections has been the topic of much film and literature since.
Rebuilding the Village
Do you think it’s possible that as much as technology was the impetus for the loss of human connection, it could also be part of the solution for re-establishing it? Could it be that the internet, although not physically bringing people together (well, sometimes it does but that’s a story for another day), has become an electronic ‘corner store’; a meeting place where friendships are born and nurtured? Where one can find a forum, an audience, a sounding board, a cheer squad or even a cyber-hug?
You know, we could think of him-dot-com as our favourite corner store. It’s never closed so no matter what our time-zone we can just wander in and make ourselves comfortable – we can still be wearing our pyjamas if we like. Or less. I’ve tried it a few times and nobody seemed to notice. There’s always something interesting to read and once we’ve read the current instalment we can always flick through the back issues. If we have time on our hands or just need to look at some huge biceps, we can flick on the Craig-telly and knock ourselves out (or maybe it’s just me who does that. Am I weird? Oh, go on. Admit it. You do it too.) The best thing, though, (ok, second best thing. No, actually it would be the third if you’re counting each bicep separately) is the crowd that hangs out here. People from all over the world with different perspectives, opinions and experiences but all visiting the store because they like the atmosphere and want to learn how to improve their lives. And they’re always friendly and happy to have a chat. Yep, it’s a pretty cool place to hang out. But, be warned, the service is terrible. I’m still waiting for my caramel milkshake.
Shifting Boundaries
The internet may have helped fill part of a vacuum in our world – it fulfils some of our need to connect with others. It does, however, raise questions about our individual perceptions of privacy; how much of ourselves do we feel it is appropriate to reveal? We’ve probably all had experiences where the different interpretations of what is ‘private’ and what is ‘common knowledge’ have become problematic. Yes, I’m talking about that argument. The usual setting is the car driving home from a social event. You know the one?
Him: I can’t believe you told people that.
Her: What?
Him: You know, about the thing.
Her: What thing?
Him: You know, the …
Her: You can’t mean …?
Him: Yes, I do. I’m so embarrassed.
Her: You have got to be kidding. You’re upset that I told people about that?
Him: Of course I am!
Her: Oh, for goodness’ sake. I didn’t know it was a state secret.
Him: I thought it was obvious.
(Stony silence until someone apologises – not necessarily the person who believes they’re wrong, just the one most desperate for sex.)
Different interpretations of privacy are often affected by factors such as gender, family background, culture and, probably the most influential: age. The current ‘bright young things’ seem to have very little understanding of privacy and will give a 30 year old a blank, contemptuous stare if he or she suggests that perhaps some details are better left unFacebooked. If our appreciation of privacy keeps deteriorating at the current rate, the word itself will become a thing of the past within a couple of generations. Which could be a good thing or a bad thing depending upon our perspective.
The Need to be Known
Perhaps even more of a driving force than our need to connect is our need to be known. We all want to be known, don’t we? Not in a Paris Hilton, famous-for-no-apparent-reason sense, but in a true, authentic, personal sense. Maybe by one other person, maybe by many. And I don’t mean ‘known’ in the biblical sense either. Although I think I’m due for a good knowing myself. So to speak. To be known without artifice, concealment, pretence or pride. To be truly understood for the complex, imperfect, sometimes irrational people we all are.
And to be accepted anyway.
Maybe it is this need to be known which has driven Belle de Jour and countless other anonymous bloggers to reveal such intimate details to strangers. Which is a little ironic, really, that their need to be known and understood is met by establishing a nom de plume. Perhaps their cyber-self is their only true self?
No Such Thing as the Real World
Because it certainly is liberating. Even having a certain degree of anonymity at the him-dot-com corner store can give us the freedom to float ideas, recount experiences or express our feelings in a way that we might find difficult to do when meeting people face-to-face. In the past few weeks, I have been a little shocked by some of the things that my fingers have typed here. All on their own, of course. I’m not this rude in ‘real’ life. Truly. Craig laughs at me because he can make me blush so easily. It’s like a game. I’ll get him back one day.
Perhaps ‘privacy’ is just another word for suffocating, repressive social rules and restrictions. Maybe the ‘real’ world is where we pretend and the cyber world is where we can be ourselves. Could it be that the cyber corner store gives us a freedom and connection with others that the real, concrete one never could?
Let me know your thoughts.
CJ xox
{ 20 comments… read them below or add one }
This article adds a new dimension to ‘accuracy of thought’.
My best regards.
There’s a truth in the honesty and personal engagement of the cyber corner store. But there’s also a festering falsity – it’s a double edged sword.
When we move forward in a world without accountability or transparency on a physical level, we open ourselves up to the dangers of denial, false hope and fantasy. And these three intersect at the crossroads of delusion.
to someone who is socially “awkward” like me facebook gives me the chance to show who i am without being judged and removes the need of face to face involvement although when you get to know people they get to know you anyway.
I can also say what i want to without fear of being “shot down” and if I am its not as painfull as it would be face to face.
I agree there are somethings i dont need to know about people and i think there is a certain degree of loss of scruples because of then anomity ( sorry about spelling) I remember a while back someone showed pictures of a girl throwing up on youtube which i thought was not necessary at all.
Is it a need for publicity in saying you were a call girl or a shock tactic as far as Im concerned that is one thing i wouldnt be sharing as its far too private and one must question her motives for doing so.
But it shows once again how this world is becoming de-sensatised to things like murder, rape,assault and so on and they do not hold the horror and disgust like that used to.
Its almost as if they have become an acceptable part of life and that i find distressing and disturbing.
Call girls and prostitutes are as old as the bible but i dont see them as a glory job and advertising it i would not be.
Hi C.J.,
I agree with you and relate to your Twitterlessness. I was a total cyber virgin upon signing in here. Although I haven’t been around the internet, I imagine the spirit of Craig’s site is unduplicatable. (No, not a word.)
I ‘ve been surprised by how much I look forward to reading (aside from your and Craig’s instalments) the amusing, sometimes heart-wrenching, often enlightening notes from so many people who I feel like I know.
As you’ve raised the question of how much the real person typing the words is revealing their true self, I have a thought…
It seems to me that being positive is a choice we all make, or don’t. Perhaps what I’ve revealed of myself is unbalanced, because in my life there is definitely a measure of heartache, pain and challenges. My life is not perfect… but, why focus on that? It’s corny, but I always look on the bright side and keep smiling. So, that is what I project in person and, I suppose, in cyberspace.
While I’m spilling, yes I do admit to the Craig telly thing but it’s also to groove on that accent we Americans are all suckers for.
Thanks C.J.
Wonderful topic Craig! I’m on my way to writing something on this topic as well, but I guess you’re more of a doer then I am.
I think some people go wrong with social tools like Facebook and Twitter, because they use them 2 replace their normal, face 2 face interactions. This creates a lose in connection and intimacy. in my perspective, these tools work best complementarity with a face 2 face social life.
Eduard
Hahaha!
In today’s day and age, I’d be considered something of a ‘privacy freak’! I know there is a distinct difference between what I am willing to reveal and what my kids (17 & 21, old enough to know better!) will readily blurt out. Some of the things they tell me, I would really rather not know! I can only imagine what they tell their friends! My parents were very private people, especially my dad. My mom, one of nine children, was less private, but was generally concerned about ‘how things look’, and therefore, some things you just ‘didn’t talk about’.
“sterile housing developments with behavioural demarcations as rigid and immovable as their picket fences”
I found this statement quite intriguing, as I have found this to be very true. The neighbors feel that they should have the right of approval over any and all of your actions. Anything that deviates from what they consider normal MUST be followed up with complaints to everyone from the other neighbors to the local police. Then we have ‘Homeowners’ Associations’ who have to approve what kind of flowers you can plant, what color blinds can be in your windows, and much more, and we’re expected to pay them to govern our usage of the homes we have bought and paid for. Where I grew up, there’s no such thing. If you can see your neighbor’s house from your house, they’re too close. And what you do at your house is your business.
My parents owned that corner store in my hometown, and that’s where I grew up. You saw pretty much everybody in town at least once a week, and some daily. Now there’s no place to ‘run into people’ whenever I go back home. In any case, I’m glad to be able to hang out with you all at this cyber corner store!
Have a great day all!
Hi,
Well that is the first I have heard about the cyber pro.. mm prositution I think it takes strength not to go here personally, just too easy for a woman to make money from it… Personally it is much harder to gain financial freedom from hard work… do I agree with it… NO, not even to feed a family and that is for both sexes whether you use one or are one.
Well Cyber world facebook, yes my sister inlaws have over 700 photos of themsevles on there (yes they are hot) but boy I do have to wonder about how busy some people are to have time to upload and tell me.. that they woke three times with a baby ..they just ate a biscuit … sorry but I really dont care… With that said I do think it does provide some freedom firstly to share WHAT You THINK And people have to listen (or rather hide your status from updates) … it also interests me how many people ‘just’ check out what you are doing I didnt know my life was that interesting.
I personally like a bit of annonimity .. but I supose this is getting less and less these days.. maybe that is the way it is meant to be … so we cant hide anymore…
Anyway.. personally cyber land is awesome ie this site (I wouldnt even know you exists only I was referred by my online trainer), as well as online training and forgetting being your own ’super’ start it does connect others who would normally be disconnnected.. Cyber land is here to stay! And for MASS connection when done well produces AMAZING results!
Stay connected!
Hi CJ (and fellow cyber corner-store visitors),
It seems to me that privacy has gone out the window! Not just through internet usage but I find far too often that I’m hearing (not intentionally listening to) conversations in public places that should be private. Try sitting on the tram, train, bus or plane, in a restaurant, anywhere public and you’re bound to hear somebody’s private business being discussed by someone who doesn’t know how to turn their volume down.
There was a time when people chatted in low tones while having a private conversation in a public place. I don’t know if it’s a ‘need’ to be heard or if some people think that they are so important and full of themselves that everyone should listen to what they have to say. Often it’s not just their opinion on a topical subject but detail about what they did, where they did it and with whom. And, worse still, it often involves other people who I’m sure would be horrified if they thought their private lives were being discussed so openly in crowded places.
I was in a cafe recently for a ‘quiet’ lunch and heard (not my choice) a conversation two young women were having. One in particular was going into great detail about some guy she had seen on a few occasions, how he was married, some detail about his personality and what she did and didn’t like about him, whether she would continue to see him etc. Then her thoughts on his wife and some health issues she has. My God! What if I had known these people (yes, she used names), she wasn’t to know I wasn’t related to these people, or that they might be my neighbours or friends. I was tempted to go to her table and suggest that she turn down the volume as I really didn’t want to hear what she had to say.
So many people now seem to think it’s OK to talk loudly about all matter of things (whether it be private, their opinions or just general chatter) out in public and that strangers are interested, need or want to hear what they have to say. I don’t enjoy my peace, my own headspace being interrupted and intruding upon by inconsiderate hornblowers.
Well, that’s my spit for today! I enjoy Facebook because I can share my photos and stay in touch with my friends and family across the globe. But, I also ensure only my friends and family can visit me to keep my private life just that.
Don’t forget to pick up the 2kg of sugar and a tub of butter before leaving the store! :0)
Keep cool folks.
haha laughed out loud at the distracting biceps – thought i was the only one that did that!
i have been told im distant and hard to read but its mainly that im a privacy freak. very very particular about who i let in and still uncertain about my recent facebook venture though i have spoken to friends i lost contact with ages ago. and being on here everyone kinda knows about me and its kinda comfortable so cant explain that conundrum. i could never be a celebrity though and i wonder about those that seek it. something is missing in their lives i reckon. and you need to be able to differentiate between being private and hiding away. its a fine line that im not sure im always on the right side of.
Hi there, I thought I would weigh in on this conversation because although I find that online communication lacks in building social character in the same way that face to face interaction can, I find that it is useful in other ways of communicating. For example, I have been introducted to thoughts and ideas from online personalities that I would not otherwise explore in my circle of friends. For example, a new book was recommended to me called Illuminate, Harnessing the Positive Power of Negative Thinking. It turned out to be a fantastic book that literally changed the way I approach both my business and personal life. So, although I don’t need to know what you had for breakfast, I do appreciate the value of online social networking.
I just love it when I hear ….”I’ll let you on a little secret, but don’t under any circumstance let anyone else know!”
Privacy is about protection…..protection from what?
Ridicule?
Is a desire for privacy a reflection of my inability to accept complete and total responsibility for my quirks…or kinks?
Or the inability for me to lay out my shameful past…through actions I initiated, or those that were initiated upon me?
Does honesty in my present moment require dissolution of any pretense of me being something I am not? Is that why I honor privacy? To maintain the charade of me?
“Nobody realizes that some people expend tremendous energy merely to be normal.”
Albert Camus
Being normal could equate to being private.
Attempting to appear normal is my smokescreen for the non-showing of Who-I-Really-Am.
So perhaps leading an authentic ‘non-private’ life is the fast track to personal evolution and growth.
I recommend anyone, if they feel curious, to attend an AA meet and see privacy stripped bare. It is through the utmost and brutal unveiling of past behaviour with total honesty, that powers and enables the breaking of addiction, with the subsequent embracing of life.
Bringing the deep and covered out into light releases that clamp of darkness. Honesty provides that power to light.
Perhaps cyberspace allows some greater honesty in my expression, as I don’t have to face the challenge of witnessing instantaneous disapproval with the honesty of body language. We focus on so much when we are in face to face contact….physical attractiveness/pheromones/subconscious past life association/societal status etc….that honest and open communication does face extraneous roadblocks.
But honesty flows when there is exploration and nothing is held back. There comes a tremendous uplift that does way surpass any procreative tingling that comes from ogling biceps and triceps!
Thanks for being not so ‘private’ CJ!
Facebook and Twitter are as far as I’m concerned anti christs that have ruined society. Destroyed family and friends relationships, account for lower literacy levels (wot U up 2) and have fragmented communities. That’s how I feel. And I’m a cyber/computer geek have been for years. But what we are seeing like we are presenting our selfs in any way to millions hence the liklihood of consequences, negative in paticular, are possible.
I would like to hear your positive experiences of Social Networking because mine were not.
Michael, I think calling Facebook and Twitter anti christs that have ruined society is like blaming McDonalds and KFC for obesity. We can choose to use these internet sites in whatever way that we want to, just as we can choose to eat the junk food.
As for these sites being responsible for lower literacy, what a load of crap! Last time I looked literacy was the role of parents and teachers, not internet sites.
Neil
Thanks CJ!
Like everything, social networking and the internet require ‘balance’.
I love technology but I use it rather than allowing it to use me.
As a very busy person with a family who also works fulltime, my time for social networking (both on and offline) is limited.
I use Facebook (more) and Twitter (less).
FB is strictly for friends and relatives. I don’t have any ‘friends’ on FB that I don’t personally know and I don’t accept acquaintances that I don’t want to communicate with IRL. I’m listed under my real name – my profile picture is private. I post photos of my family and have the strictest privacy parameters for my profile and photos. I love the ability to communicate with friends and relatives from all over the world with ease. If it was left to face-to-face meetings, phone calls or emails or letters I’d probably only communicate once a year with a lot of them. This way we maintain a connection through FB – even if it is a fairly superficial one it is still fun – and we are able to have deeper conversations when we meet face to face or talk on the phone. I probably visit FB almost every day because I get a level of enjoyment out of it through being connected (even if superficially) with friends.
Twitter is a bizarre beast. I enjoy it when I have time but find that it can be a huge time waster and the connection is not there because most of my ‘followers’ and people I follow are strangers. I mainly follow people that tweet upbeat, interesting and topical info. I also use it as a news source ie I follow ABC, SBS etc and see headlines as they occur (if I’m on twitter). I find it hard to adhere to 140 characters and find that limits my ability to connect with people. Also I’m not particularly interested in connecting with strangers because I am still a bit paranoid about the ‘net. So I lurk on the edge of Twitter rather than immerse myself in it – I don’t have the time and don’t see the benefit in spending more time than I do on it.
I see how Michael would see them as negative. I notice that some people have ‘protected’ their tweets on Twitter which to me means they are hiding something and I block those people right away. I also know that lots of people accept anyone who asks to be a friend on FB and post photos of themselves in provocative poses – those people are probably on FB and Twitter for purposes other than just social networking online
When my children were small I connected with other mothers on the ‘net (via parenting sites) and found their friendship and advice to be invaluable. Some of them are still friends many years later. We’ve met IRL across the globe. It is a real and lasting connection.
I think that the internet per se has made it easier for people to connect – people who have similar interests, people who are connecting with their friends overseas but also people who are on the lookout to cheat on their partners (or worse). I don’t think the internet or social networking sites are to blame for that – they just provide a vehicle for it.
I am though still amazed at some of the information that bloggers share about themselves. Some will remain anonymous of course but the majority seem to have identifiable photos up on their blogs.
I guess it is no different though to the woman in the cafe that a previous poster mentioned, or the person on the plane behind you who raves on about every aspect of their lives so that there are no secrets between them and half the plane by the time we arrive at our destination. I’m not sure of why some people have the need to discuss the intimate details of their private lives loudly in public any more than blog about it or have a reality TV show about it.
Love your work C.J.
Yes Neil we can choose but yes they are anti christs and I don’t back away from the harm they are doing.
Michael, Michael, Michael,
Perhaps you’ve heard this quote: “No matter where you go, there you are”?
Now before you purse your lips and stamp your foot like a petulant child, please look back over your comments for the past few months. Have a really close look and see if you can determine how much genuine, positive, wanting-to-change thinking is going on there. If you are honest, maybe you’ll find your answer.
Maybe it’s not your (ex) friends.
Maybe it’s not Facebook or Twitter.
Maybe it’s not the ‘others’ you so often refer to
Maybe it’s not food
Maybe it’s …
You.
And your biggest problem will continue to be you until the golden moment when you acknowledge that fact.
You can get angry with me. You can post a scathing comment in response.
Or you can take some honest advice and use it to change your attitude. The choice is yours.
Allan
Hi Guys,
Thanks for the great comments; insightful, intelligent and encouraging as usual.
‘Procreative tingling’, Little John? What a beautiful euphemism. Well done.
See you guys at the Cyber Corner Store next week.
CJ xox
Hi CJ !
My Dad ran that corner store that was crushed by the big supermarkets…. except it wasn’t on a corner ! It was in a backstreet on the outskirts of a town called Slough, 3 miles from Windsor Castle, England in the 1950s. The supermarket opened up on Farnham Road, (the main road into town) and in no time at all, my Dad was out of a job because his shop went bust. He wasn’t unemployed for long though… another supermarket opened on a new housing estate and he got himself a job there, until we left for Oz in 1961.
My experience with the internet…. it’s been an amazing tool for me. I was the most incredibly shy person you could ever meet. I had a dreadful inferiority complex and I just KNEW that no-one was ever interested in anything I had to say. About 12 years ago my youngest son somehow talked me into creating a website. He was impressed with the photo editing and other creative “stuff” I’d been doing since he’d convinced me to use the computer and he thought I should put up a page displaying some of it.
That led to an involvement with webrings, and I discovered one where the only criteria for membership was being a mother. There were only three Aussies amongst about 300 Americans, and after a short while, one of them asked me if I was interested in attempting to set up a similar group for Aussie women. Turned out she lived in the next suburb to me, so when we’d managed to recruit a fair sized bunch of members, we started having “real life” get togethers. Somewhere along the way, I had lost my shyness, discovered that I could communicate, and also realised that I’m just as damned good as anyone else on this planet ! (Or any other planet for that matter !)
Facebook is an interesting phenomenon. I resisted it for quite some time, but then gave in because my kids were using it to post photos. I now have thousands of photos on there myself and find it very convenient (and a lot faster than uploading them to my own website) for sharing them with family and friends both close by and on the other side of the world. (Incidentally, I have met up with several of my US friends who I met through that first webring). But having said that, I do find it a little disconcerting when I witness a domestic argument between friends of my grandson, who are messaging each other publicly while sitting next to each other on their respective computers in their own home !!!
I also didn’t need to know about how good the … errhmmm…. intimate act was between my second cousin and his girlfriend in England !!!
OK… well I’ve written a book on this topic so now I’m off to check on the status updates of a squillion people !
{{HUG}}
Tina
Ummmmm okay I know I am days late, I also haven’t commented here in AGES and I am not the CJ that wrote the article either, I shall henceforth revert to my first name Celia…lol
As much as there is a sometimes a seedy and a down right illegal aspect to the internet, tell me when there hasn’t been one in real life?
Yet for the first time in the history of this planet we have an awesome opportunity to actually start functioning/sharing/actioning as a -global community- and the internet is a major contributor to that. It’s not just a throw away statement anymore, or strictly a financial thing either. The good the bad and the ugly, it’s no different from any other community in history, every era has used whatever “technology” was available to it, this is ours.
Places like this cyber corner store remind me so much of Uni. I spent so much of my school life not fitting in in the slightest, and not in todays version where not fitting in is cool (a fairly new concept) but in the getting oranges pelted at your back kind of not fitting in. The last two years of high school our grade had dwindled so much that I officially had no one to spend time with so (thanks to an awesome teacher) I got to while away my lunch times in an art room.
I went to Uni, a fine arts degree, and it was like being allowed to breathe for the first time. I could not only just be me, but I was celebrated for doing so. Finally being somewhere where everyone was there for the same reason, a love of and for art was one of the most amazing experiences of my life. Like we come here due to a love of and for what harper.com is about.
I have so much to add but have said so much already. I do have to say, re privacy. I guess I’m a bit of a hippy, bare feet and flowers etc, I am an open book and don’t feel I have anything much I need to hide so I’m sure I don’t SENSOR myself as much as my mum did or (definitely) as much as her mother did. I don’t know if that’s a good or a bad thing but I know I wouldn’t be me doing it any other way.
Awesom topics CJ,
Celia