A Shift of Focus
Yesterday I spent some time with a bloke who wants to shift his life focus, change his career and begin doing some work with people who are struggling with certain challenges in their world. Over the last year he has had a few significant experiences which have given him a different perspective on life, a better understanding of certain things and a much greater level of awareness, consciousness and empathy for other people; all good things.
Here’s part of our conversation:
BLOKE: “When I’m a little more organised and I’ve got all my shit together, I want to be able to help people turn their lives around and make a difference in a real and practical way – kind of like you do.”
CH: “In that case, you’ll never help anyone.”
B: “What?”
CH: “You heard.”
B: “Why do you say that?”
CH: “Because you’ll never have all your shit together.”
B: “What do you mean?”
CH: “I mean everybody has issues and if you wait for personal perfection before you start to help others, you’ll never help one person. It’s simple.”
B: “Hmm…” (thinks deeply)
CH: “Nobody has all their shit together, everybody has issues on some level and we’re all works in progress. It’s called being human. In fact, the person who tells you that they have no issues is usually the one with the most!”
B: “I guess so.”
CH: “What many people don’t understand is that it’s in our efforts to help others – despite our own issues – that we begin to help ourselves also. By investing into something bigger than us, we stop being so self-focused, paranoid and egotistical and we begin to see the world – and us in it – from a healthier and more balanced perspective.”
B: “But I would feel like a fraud helping people while I still have my own issues to deal with.”
CH: “Welcome to the I-feel-like-a-fraud club; it’s a whopper.”
B: “Are you a member?”
CH: “A foundation member.”
B: “You?”
CH: “Yep, I have felt like a fraud many times over my journey but I arrived at the point where I realised that being human and being perfect are incompatible. Doesn’t happen. I have issues and I always will. Sometimes helping others is less about ability and more about availability. I have simply made myself available. Despite my flaws. Far too many people inhabit the I’m-not-good-enough paradigm and that – not their ability- stands between them and their potential to impact the lives of others in a meaningful and positive way.”
B: “But what about the things I’m dealing with right now?”
CH: “Keep dealing with them but don’t be obsessed with them. Do you think that someone like Oprah might have a few issues of her own? Imagine if Miss O waited for perfection before she decided to impact the lives of others or seek to do good in a tangible and practical way. Just because she has some personal challenges doesn’t mean she can’t help other people – clearly. She’s been a very public work in progress for decades and along the way she’s managed to help a lot of people – despite her imperfections.”
B: ”Yeah, that makes sense.”
CH: “A few years back I mentored a dietician for about six months, helping her work through some issues. She is a very successful and competent health professional, she consistently produces great results, she’s in high demand and at that time… she had a major eating disorder. Specifically, she was bulimic.”
B: ”Really?”
CH: “Yep and despite her own challenges, she consistently produced great results with other people. She’s better now, but that challenge in her life has made her an even better dietician and teacher.”
B: “Hmm..”
CH: “Every mentor, teacher, life coach and personal development guru (whatever that means) has secrets, insecurities, doubts, fears and destructive habits. Every one. Every outwardly-strong person has fears and internal struggles. Don’t necessarily assume that the shiny cover of the book is a reflection of the pages that lie within. In order to know the book, you need to read the pages…. all of them. And most people will never allow that.”
B: “You have those same fears?”
CH: “Of course.”
B: “When?”
CH: “Every once in a while when I’m about to do my regular television segment, the insecure, fourteen year-old fat kid drops by before I go on air just to remind me that I really shouldn’t be handing out advice on national television; being a stupid fat kid and all. I thank him for dropping by and do my segment anyway.”
B: “Okay, I’m in.”
CH: “Good for you.”
There’s a big difference between self-improvement and self-obsession and sometimes in our quest for “better” we actually create worse. I’m not suggesting that we shouldn’t consciously and consistently work on “us” (natch), but I am suggesting that sometimes the best way to help ourselves, is to help others. A little holiday from your issues might be just what you need. Works for me. Give it a bash.
Ciao x
Functionally Dysfunctional Part 2
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How come some people (eg. you) are better able to ‘hide’ their insecurities and flaws? I seem to show mine to the world like I’m a see through mirror.
Like you and your tv segment, every time I walk through the door of my next patients house I’m scared as. Am I allowed to admit that? It comes down to a confidence thing (surprise, surprise). In time I will get over it. Not without hard work from me though. It comes down to what’s in the heart and your motivation for doing what you do. Which is, for me, to help people in times of injury and illness. I’ll walk through the door and do my job anyway.
PS. Glad it’s not just Christina and I who have felt like a fraud. ( )
Wow! That’s awesome, Mr Ripped-&-Rock-Hard-R-Us. Really puts into words what has come to the fore for me recently. Not only can you help others while not being perfect or having all your shit together yourself, sometimes the best way to learn something yourself is to teach or help someone else.
I’m finding this particularly true with regards being a karate instructor. Am I better than most karate students? Hell, no! Not by a long shot. One of my regular students is actually a grade higher than me. But I (apparently) have the ability to KNOW what the technique should be like and how to get it across to someone else. And in doing so, it also helps me to consciously refine MY technique.
The other area where this is very apparently is the aftermath of RYL – the Facebook group. Do any of us think we have conquered all of our issues? Not even close. (After all, we wouldn’t have “wasted” our money on RYL if we didn’t think we’d get something out of it to help us work through our challenges.) But are these people helpful and kind and generous and warm and supportive? Unbelievably so. Without question. Or judgement. And above all, they’re AVAILABLE. To offer anything they can. Support, advice, encouragement, experience .. even just an ear to listen.
The synergy of people directing their positivity and helpfulness external to themselves and toward others is a very powerful, and very beautiful phenomenon. And for where I find myself right now, I feel privileged and grateful to be part of it. Craig, you have a way of bringing that out in all of us that frequent this site. Just look at the responses to Mandi’s letter recently! I’m all full of the love this evening. (As opposed to what I’m usually full of……..)
Suz (Sydney)
Timely! and Yes we are only human.
I surpose I think there would be nothing worse then getting up in front of everyone and looking like an entire hypocrite.. A bit like ‘so you think you can dance’ try outs where you wonder where the hell are their friends? someone should have told them ‘NO you cant dance!’
Anyway I do hope I have good friends and YES I need to action on this, this week, took a mini step last week, but then when they said ‘you can have my bike ‘ I said ‘NO, I am okay’ WHY my head screamed GOD YEAH give it to me.
Hope you had a good weekend Craig and once again thanks for sharing!
Kate
Hey Craig,
Since RYL I have tried to stay in the moment and seek my reality. Recently my 18 yr old daughter was in a car accident and she is extremely lucky to be alive. She suffered terrible bruising,and minor leg damage. I am thrilled she is alive, no brain damage, no spinal injuries etc thus I look to the positive and try to find the magic of survival. BUT unfortunately I am struggling with the without warning emotions that hit me and take me to another reality of what could have happened. When this happens I have tried to refocus myself on the positive although this has been a real struggle. Just when I thought I had some direction with my thinking my heart kicks me in the butt! So I realise yet again I do not have my life together!
Any thoughts of how to bounce back emotionally?
Thanks Mary Anne
Hi Craig,
I loved this post. A wise person once told me:
“Happiness is like perfume: You can’t give it away without getting a little on yourself.”
Thanks for being so honest about your fraudness, too. It certainly is a very big club but some of the kindest and most effective people belong to it.
Hugs
Christina
This is gold Craig!
And very honest (but we’ve come to expect that from you!).
Billy Connolly has said (in his biography) that sometimes he expects someone to tap him on the shoulder, tell him it’s all over and get back to work. “I’m just a welder from Glasgow”.
I guess it doesn’t matter how successful a person is, their fears are not far away – tapping on the door, waiting for it to open!
So there’s some hope for people like me!
Happy Monday!
Em
( ) x
How authentic was that conversation! You know what to say at the right time and totally validate my thought and feelings. You putting that out into the ether, gives me a new found confidence and the ability to stand tall knowing that we don’t always get it right. Even the best of us feel like fraudsters. This topic has made me feel ten times light and a veil has been lifted from my eyes.
You, Craig Harper, are one amazing dude!
Bella
Craig,
Thank you so much for this post! Talk about reading something that you needed to read at the time you needed to read it, this was it!
Phil
excellent post!
Yup have often felt like a fraud, noiw I know it is ok to feel like one. Thanks.
hugs,
Chelle xxxx
Hi Craig!
Great article! It’s nice to see others admit what we all feel inside sometimes! We all have our ‘stuff’ that we deal with, and we all have our way of dealing with it. Some of us wallow in it, and some of us bury it in the sandbox and keep going. Sure it’s still there! But at least it doesn’t stink up the whole world!
One of my favorite things is to do something random and thoughtful for someone. But, I must admit, there’s a bit of a selfish motive in it for me. See, it makes me feel good to make someone else happy, especially with something out of the blue and personally meaningful. Is it so wrong to get a kick out of doing something special for somebody? Does that make me a fraud? If so, I guess I’m okay with being fraudulent!
I have struggled in the past with the idea that my issues made me ‘defective’. Many mental health professionals would have us believe this, as treating these ‘defects’ is how they make a living. But I’ve come to realize that it really is okay to be me, issues and all. Without my issues, I might have turned out to be somebody else, and I kinda like me! And I especially like me for the ways that I’m not just like everybody else!
Christina, great bit of wisdom there! I’ll have to remember that one!
Have a great day, all!
Sandra in Virginia, US
Craig, I knew there was some reason that I liked your writings. Every time I think you have written your greatest article, then you write another one like this. You share my views about being honest and being human and being imperfect and teaching anyway.
There is a saying that states that what the teacher teaches is what he/she needs to learn the most. I truly believe that. Having the courage to show others my imperfections is what keeps me human and can be my biggest strength when it comes to helping others. It is the difference between arrogance and humility. Helping others through sharing my experiences as an incest survivor has brought out issues I didn’t even know that I still had. I figure that is part of the journey that I am supposed to share with my blog. It shows others who aren’t as far a long as I am that doing it perfectly isn’t a requirement of life. I would sure fail if it was. I used to be a perfectionist and that only created more abuse in my life, most of it self inflicted.
You are a very wise man, Craig, not perfect, just wise. Thanks for sharing that.
Patricia
Hot Springs, Arkansas, USA
Hi Jules S
I don’t really “hide” my insecurities and flaws – I just don’t focus on them. I acknowledge them and then invest my emotional energy where it will give me the best return. That is, on getting the job done. You should do the same. Control what you can, let go of what you can’t.
We’re luvin’ the love Suz! Thanks x
You’re welcome Kate
Thank you for this post. The universe has provided guidance yet again … this time through you. Best I listen and act on it now.
Like all of us Mary Anne, you are a work in progress but you’re actually ahead of many because you have a level of awareness, honesty and understanding that many don’t. Acknowledge your thoughts of “what if” for what they are; thoughts – not a physical reality. Things only have the meaning YOU give them. Your daughter is fine – celebrate that. Because you are a cerebral and somewhat academic type, you have a propensity to allow that very fertile mind of yours to sabotage your happiness and personal development. Like many, you may have the “over-thinking gene” but as you know; it’s all about genetic management not genetic disposition
Hugs back Christina ( )
The only person who (really) doubts you Em – is you.
Thankyou Bella – me helping you makes me feel good. See? That’s how it works. Cool huh?
It’s not only okay Chelle – it’s totally normal x
And we love you just as you are Sandra x
And that you for sharing too Patricia – always appreciate your thoughts
You’re most welcome Phil – hope it helps
Do what you need to Kazz
Just got back from the gym and have cleared a few cobwebs!
Thanks for the lifeline Craig!
Mary Anne x
As always Craig – impeccable timing.
I’ve been struggling with when I’ll be ‘ready’ to launch my counselling/life coaching business. Always making the excuse that ‘I wasn’t ready to help others….. yet’. Then a friend pointed out to me that I was doing my stuff everyday with everyone I come into contact with anyway.
And so, I’m doing it. I’ve created my business name, logo and put it out there. I’ve announced my first workshop and have already had a couple of takers. All the years of study and personal development are now going to be put to use.
Thanks for the validation…….
Cheers
Nicole
Oh, and I should also mention that I too still have many issues, insecurities, ‘flaws’ etc that make me…..me. And I am learning to not focus on them so much. I just chose to be aware of them and as our Buddhist friends believe – ‘Awareness Heals’. And so, I embrace my ‘stuff’ as part of me and know that through helping others, I will get the reflections I need to find some peace with it.
If I waited till I got “organized” or “got myself together” I wouldn’t make it out the door in the morning!
As a nurse I “help” people for a living and if I waited till I got my shit together I’d never turn up to work, therefore no money , no food, home etc. Every day at work I face my inner fears/fat kid in some shape or form. Like Craig…acknowledge and move on!
Get out there and live the life you want to live! Accept that there may be consequences if you if you make the wrong choices, but that’s called experience. Enjoy it while you can, believe me when I say it’s too short and you’d rather go out thinking “I’ve done this and that” rather than “I wish I’d have done…”
Now, out there and face the day!!!
Wow! I was having a panic attack this morning – they arrive often these days. And this is exactly why!! I have been feeling like a major fraud for the past 16 months. Working in the health industry but feeding my addictions at the same time? Trying to hide my flaws from everyone has been exhausting work.
I feel this post has ‘forgiven’ me in some way? it makes so much sense. Teach what we want to learn. I really understand what that means now.
I’m happy to be human again.
Big big hug to Craig. Thanks for doing what you do
A little holiday from my issues – yes, could do with that. And… being functionally dysfunctional – yes, not such a bad reality – could handle that also. In short…..thank you. What an enlightening read !!!
Every mentor, coach, personal develoment guru has issues, fears etc.???? Really. wow – admitting them though makes you a mega personal development guru, ‘cos you’ve just switched another lightbulb on inside each of us.
Am sure you have ‘connections’ with a higher power, Craigo….then maybe we all do….oh, gosh…I’d better go….my mind is starting to wander (again)
Love all you do, Craig….have a great day,
Mon (( ))
You’re welcome Mary Anne x
Well done Nicole – keep us posted
All good advice Heidi
You’re welcome Jaine. You can help YOU and others at the same time – it doesn’t need to be one or the other
Thanks Mon – hugs for you ( )
Hi Craig,
Oh well what can I say! TIMELY TIMELY TIMELY….I said YES and I NOW have my first GIG as a spin instuctor.! Talk about jumping in the deep my first class is a footy team this wed night..
THANK YOU FOR ALLOWING ME TO SAY YES – IM IN!
Have wanted this for over 2 years.. never in my life have I worked so hard at something.. so bring it on KATE:)
THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU.. Now we must pray:)
You know in a world where perfection seems to be the thing to strive for it is nice to know other people feel like frauds too. What I don’t get is why do we try to hide our imperfections when really they are a part of who we are? Good or bad they are part of our journey. By other people knowing we go through the same insecurities we are indeed helping them. I remember when I first got anxiety/panic attacks I felt really alone, isolated & ashamed. When I realised many people suffer from it boy it gave me hope to have a normal life in spite of it. So I am happy to admit I have it because if I can help one person who has it feel like they can still have a normal life then revealing it is a good thing. It doesn’t define me just part of my genetic makeup. What funny creatures we are us humans.
Great post Craig. Life really is an interesting journey isn’t it?
( )
Jacqui
They will love you Kate(Kath) – let us know how you go
Yes it is Jacqui
Dux of the School of Life again this week Craig!
Of which there are no dunces,btw.
Unless it is of MY OWN making!
Why do I think I have to become something other than what I am to be the person I want to be?
How about beginning with being gracious for what I do have right now. Breath, a body, consciousness and choice. This is miraculous enough on its own to be worthy of utmost appreciation and gratitude for eternity. But the condition of man intervenes and a belief is formed that this is not enough. More, more, more…. Satus, riches, love. Works as a two year old, with parents willing to provide quickly, to quell an outburst or mood of sulkiness. But as an adult without a benefactor, life is all of a sudden tough. Those tricks may not work as they did.
If I am sensitive, I will see I have realigning to do that will place myself in the universal flow with the current, instead of pushing against.
So choice we have, and just as well. Life without might be kind of weird.
But when I choose, do I choose for me or do I choose what others choose for me.
I must learn to choose for me, what is right for me.
What is right for me, is to choose to peel off the layers of my negativity. And that is work only I can do. There is no magic pill or guru who can snap fingers and it is done.
So I peel off the layers and a light begins to shine through that which was always there. It just is.
Then I become the person who shines light, who isn’t being driven by a negative, controlling agenda. Simply by dismantling the negative, simply reveals the positive.
Keep peeling back the layers Craig. You are a dux!
I love it when you come by littlejohn. I love your wisdom and your insight. Thankyou.
Perfection is over rated. Trust me I have tried and reading the posts today I think we have all tried….. and lied. Now if we all tried to be perfect for us that would be totally different, because my perfect and your perfect are two outrageously far apart poles. We all have such different experience and perceptions, that when we have the same experience it is different anyway, due to a perception. And even when we don’t have a perception we are having a perception anyway. My head is getting a little crazy now, I think I have been reading and thinking too long today. Time for a little ekkie (Ekhart of course) and non thinking and just being.
Fantastic Post.
Everyone is accountable to someone, who that someone is therein lies the difference.
Cheers
Linda
Hey Craig,
Great post!
Makes me realize something. People at work often say that I’m a good leader, yet the only thing I do is listen and have an open door policy.
I’m not the greatest talker, I only listen and tell them that I’m here for them.
I used to wonder why they were sharing with me. I guess I know now… I’m simply available.
Thanks for the heads up,
Jc
Qc, Canada
Littlejohn, if you are not already a writer of some sort, then I think you’ve missed your calling! Your posts are always so poetic!
Craig, next time the fat kid shows up, thank him for stopping by, and invite him to stick around and enjoy the show. He might just learn something about who he REALLY is!
And if I ever got all my shit together, that’d be one tremendous pile!
Sandra
Sandra, I now have this image of a cartoon:
Little person standing with hands on hips, chest thrust out and proudly looking up at a HUGE pile of .. well .. shit. The voice bubble thingie would say, “There! I’ve finally got all my shit together!”
Any takers on filling in the motivational, humorous or insightful caption at the bottom??
Hey Craig !
Back from a month in England and Europe… didja miss me ?
This post makes me think of a conversation I just had today with my eldest daughter. Her two girls, aged 8 and 14 are only just learning to swim, having been terrified of putting their faces in water until recently. Well, I’m not a great swimmer myself, as I have trouble coordinating breathing and head turning. Yet I taught all my kids to swim, and they’re all good at it and very confident in water. Good thing I didn’t wait until I had it all together before teaching them !
{{HUG}}
Tina
Hi Craig,
Amazing, you always seem to hit the spot… No-one in my life would believe that I’m a shy person, that I care deeply about what others think of me. They all see me as a super confident, outgoing girl. So, if everyone else thinks I’m outgoing and confident, am I? Or am I just really good at acting?
I guess on the flip side, I’ve had others convinced that I was a ditzy nothing, just because (at the time) I was a happy 20 ish girl who laughed easily and liked to dance. I don’t ever want to stop laughing and dancing, I don’t want to have to always be serious and sensible.
But, I’m a thinker, and a destructive one at that, I can forgive all my bad habiits, while indulging in the reasons for them. Ooh, I feel fat and unattractive, I’m so lonely, what will happen if I’m stil alone in 5, 10, 30 years? Hmm, chocolate and / or beer will help me feel better about that///
I’m working on the better me, you just keep doing what you’re doing!
Loves, Dani
Hey Guys – thanks for your comments and kind words… and yes Tina, I missed you… it was quiet around here
x
I LOVE YOUR BLOG! Your wisdom is so good for me. And I love that your first blog of the week is on Sunday (my time)!
Hey Craig,
That’s a great advice. I’ll remember that and do it now.
Thanks for the article. I thought an expert was suppose to have it all together too. But what you say makes sense. You’ll never be perfect. Very true.