Not Crying, I Have Something in my Eye
Yes you do, we call it a tear.
And that’s okay. Even though you’re a bloke.
What is it with blokes and their… er, that is.. our… aversion to crying? When, how and why did us alpha-males of the species learn that tears equal weakness? Well, if that’s the case then I’m the poster boy for pissy because I blubber when the Kleenex ad is on TV. You know… the one featuring the Golden Retriever puppy. Faaark that dog’s cute isn’t he? If that ad comes on when you’re at my place then put on your flippers, grab your snorkel and stand back kids ’cause it’s gonna be a snot-fest. Of course, me being thirty percent female could have something to do with my response. 
Anyhoozle, the other day I was mentoring a bloke that, for this discussion, we’ll call Kev. Kev is about my age, a tradesman and an ex-athlete. He has also recently gone through some major upheaval in his personal life. Specifically, relationship stuff. No shock there.
Men Doing Manly Things
So there we were – the two alpha-males - up to our eyeballs in an intense (and most un-manly) dialogue about feelings, emotions, love, connection, communication and relationships (I tried to talk about motorbikes, beer and boxing but he wouldn’t be in it) when I spied a quivering bottom lip. Having my own bottom lip which quivers regularly, I knew what was to follow. The eyes welled up, the conversation stalled and the tears began to flow. Followed immediately by the predictable but completely unnecessary apology for being a “f***wit”. Apparently Kev equates crying with being an idiot. What a pity and what an unnecessary weight to drag around. Fortunately for both of us, I’m quite comfortable with tears. In fact, I often consider tears to be a sign of progress.
A New Paradigm
When I told Kev that being able to cry and express his feelings openly was a sign of strength and emotional maturity – as opposed to weakness and dysfunction – he seemed somewhat relieved and considerably more comfortable. How on earth did we men get to the place where we feel (1) obligated to avoid crying altogether – at least in public – or (2) compelled to apologise if in some moment of weakness we happen to shed a tear? Now that (mindset) is dysfunctional.
Okay blokes, listen up… you don’t need to choose between your alpha-male-ness and the occasional (or regular) tear-fest. You can hold on to your manliness, acknowledge your feelings and express your emotions all at the same time. It’s not illegal – I checked. Crying is a healthy, normal and therapeutic part of the human experience and is in no way an indicator of weakness. I should know; I’m incredibly tough and I cry all the time.
Sometimes it’s the bloke who never (ever) cries who has the most issues, is the most dysfunctional and is the most likely to implode. Quite often he’s the walking time bomb because he won’t acknowledge or deal with his emotions. He’ll rupture his eyelids and dislocate his spleen before he’ll shed a tear. So manly. So stupid.
So fellas, the next time you feel those eyes well up, don’t apologise, don’t bite your bottom lip and don’t be embarrassed. It’s not a sign of weakness, it’s a sign of your humanity.
Manhugs all round (( ))
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Big boys don’t cry but real men do. Go Craig!
We men traditionally see crying and expressing emotions as weakness. What we don’t see is that having the courage to get over all that and express ourselves fully, that is strength. And regarding this aspect, I think a lot of women show more strength than we do. They’re generally so much more comfortable with their feelings.
Eduard
being among the emotionally damaged who have been raised by shockingly emotionally dysfunctional parents (who, worthy of note, were raised by dysfuctional parents themselves) and believe that crying in front of people does, in fact, make me weak…. I must tell you that I currently am the exasperated parent of two teenaged drama kings who are excessively capable of tears, Am I going to stunt their female side if I tell them that “NO. Your tears will NOT make me give you $500 for a new gaming system. I am not a b**** because you can’t have it. Quit your drama and go clean your room!!”
I love your blog btw.
Can crying be a psychological sign of overtraining too, Craig? Like who cries when her right hamstring suddenly gets real tight while in the middle of a small group training session in the park?
*I hate crying in public. But it seems to happen now and again.
I must agree with ‘Kev’ – I felt like an idiot… I wonder how comfortable Gav-the-PT was/is with tears? But reading what you said about it being a sign of progress rather than weakness and dysfunction makes soooo much sense now. Gav instructed me to Google ‘overtraining in sport’ yesterday. “Oh no, that can’t be happening to me?” I thought … Oh shit – a checklist of symptoms that I found did represent me (all but two of the points I could associate with. And this has been going on for weeks and weeks now). AHHH – so, I have (finally) recognised I am overtraining (correction: I finally listened to Gav-the-PT – he’s been concerned about me overtraining for a lil’ while now. I’m not getting enough sleep for the quantity of training I’m currently doing. That is overtraining as my body isn’t able to recover effectively. That’s progress, right? As up till now I was in denial about the whole thing. I’m training for a 24 day trek/climb in Nepal – I have to train 2-3 hrs a day was my rationale.
So, what am I gonna do about the ‘problem’? Be a good lil’ Vegemite and stop fighting the waking-up-at-4:00AM thing [this morning it was 3:00AM] and work with my body by getting to bed at 8:30PM so I can give my body adequate time it needs to recover.
Yes, Craig, I know I wasn’t a man last time I checked, but I plucked out something valuable from that post anyway. Thanks dude!
Geez I’m glad I’m a girl. And not just because of the whole thank God for makeup because then I don’t have to show the world the face I woke up with thing. Poor blokes. A nice shirt just isn’t going to help if you have a face like a robber’s dog, is it?
And then there’s the prematurely balding thing.
Not to mention if you’re unfortunate enough to be a short man – there’s just no place to go from there. No wonder Napoleon was somewhat stroppy.
Yep, I reckon blokes have every right to cry. Why is it that they have made such ridiculous rules for themselves?
Why is it ok for a bloke to cry like a beauty pageant runner-up when his team wins the Grand Final but if his wife has just left him, he’s expected to ‘man up’?
From one chick’s perspective, if a bloke cries his little heart out when his soufflé fails to rise (no, that is not a metaphor) then one might be a little worried but for most other occasions knock yourself out.
If I were a bloke, I’d be crying too.
Christina xxx
out of my league!
Hi Craig,
Nice post. It’s true, most men think it’s girly to have a bit of a cry … lucky you’re here to put them right!
Just goes to show, us chicks are pretty clever – it’s healthy to have a cry, and often it makes you feel better.
In the 10 years we’ve been together, I’ve seen my husband cry twice. Both times were in the same long, long night and, yes, childbirth was involved. After 27 hours, he was mentally and emotionally drained and very, very relieved at the outcome. It was a natural and understandable response.
No, he wasn’t embarrassed. No, he didn’t feel weak.
Funny how the setting and situation dictates the response!
BTW: Those two crying episodes were three years ago today!
Have a nice day everyone!
Em
( ) x
Craig,
Wasn’t there some scientific research that found that tears contain some sort of chemical that releases stress in the mind and body?So the conclusion was that crying is more of a release than previously thought…
Anyway, you’ve always got our shoulders to cry on.
xo
Hi Craig,
I know, It’s been a while but this one is very apt. Until recently I must admit I was the “non-crying-blokey-type” who would hold so much anxiety, frustration and emotion inside thinking it was the manly thing to do – Strong and resilient (me Tarzan). It’s unbelievable how liberating it actually is to let go and have a good blubber every now and again. I’m not saying let’s all sit around and cry at the drop of a hat but if something strikes the emotional chord enough to cry, play the tune that’s most appropriate.
our thoughts:
We all agree that your thoughts about this men crying article was fascinating because males have as much as a right to cry as girls do.Girls cry at school more than boys.Last week I cried because some one pulled my hair and it hurt (I’m 16). But i think that if I was a guy i wouldn’t have reacted that way (it probably would have resulted in violence).
We were wondering how are you 30% female?
Ive had my man crying in front of me out of frustration and the loss of a pet. I dont think for one minute he is weak or not manly enough i like that he can show love,and be upset at the loss of a beloved pet.
We teach our boys that crying is not for them I think we are emotionally stunting them in some way and shame on us.
I dont think any less of a man who should dare to cry.
by the way Craig who got the tee shirts you were giving away the other day?
I fully agree with your thoughts Craig… but as I was reading.. I was thinking about the little boys in the playground… if they cried they got picked on.. bullied… boys are taught socially by their peers that it’s not ok… which sux of course! how confusing for them!
Inside the programme for my eldest son’s school speech night is a photo of some year 12 males leaving their final school assembly, afer being farewelled by 1500+ boys and other young men, ages 7 – 18. Their faces were full of emotion, there was some hugging, and yes, there were a few tears. How lovely.
What about those boofy blokes that cry when they lose the footy grand final. Natually the commenters put scorn on them, so no wonder it’s not ok to bawl.
I have recently supported a male friend through some pretty emotional stuff. He is a big tough guy but over the past few months we have cried together and I feel so privileged to be that trusted by someone that they will share their vulnerability. It has really created a pathway to a much more intensive friendship based on real emotion and truth.
x
Did you know that when males cry they actually shed testosterone in their tears? This could be the biological reason behind why males are reluctant to cry.
I made that up by the way.
Strong men DO eat quiche and strong men DO cry – and not just in private but in public too.
@Lisa Q – I think our sons go to the same school – and yes it is a wonderful photo – full of emotion – and it was particularly great that the Headmaster has a copy in his office and used it to highlight his point at the speech night last night, that the school allows boys to feel safe and able to show their emotions – I love that school for that reason alone.
Thank you so much for that. My Husband cries at sad movies with me.
So glad to hear that he is normal and strong and emotionally secure.
Wow
Kind Regards
Jenny
Johnny MO, love it…So from all the comments if I am looking for a ‘healthy’ man I am obviously looking for someone who cries all the time:)
Id actually cry if i saw craig in his camo shorts ,cry with laughter that is .
Hey Craig !
Sorry I’ve been AWOL lately… crazy times around here with five extra people living in my house probably for a couple of months. Eldest son and his family literally don’t have a roof after their ceiling collapsed during the recent deluge. Had a bit of a flood here too and all my computer gear and camera drowned but I’m back up and running albeit on a clunky old keyboard and an antique 15 inch monitor !
Anyway… just wanted to add to this conversation… my DH took 33 years to allow himself to cry over the loss of his mother… and needless to say, he never shed a tear over anything else during that time either. When he finally did let it out (brought on by something totally unrelated) he didn’t stop for a couple of months. He was bordering on depression from all the built up emotions and there were times when I thought he was never going to stop crying !
He’s back to being the tough alpha male again now… not at all a good thing !
{{HUG}}
Tina
kinglake is full of the most aussie butch blokes you could imagine – but god bless em i have seen almost all of them cry over the last 11 months and it is the most beautiful thing. crying over a lost loved one – crying over the road ahead – crying over the scale of things. there should be more of it I reckon cause I think us women who cried from day 1 are better off for it. sadly the suicides I have heard of after Black Sat have been all men.
Eat some concrete Harper and harden the F^%$ up. I think your more than 30%. LOL.
Thanks for all your feedback guys…
Even you Vincent.
xx
I’m sorry if I’m late to the party on this. I enjoyed the post and, as a confessed cry baby, would like to share my favourite poem on the same subject;
Lord Byron – The Tear
When Friendship or Love
Our sympathies move;
When Truth, in a glance, should appear,
The lips may beguile,
With a dimple or smile,
But the test of affection’s a Tear:
Too oft is a smile
But the hypocrite’s wile,
To mask detestation, or fear;
Give me the soft sigh,
Whilst the soultelling eye
Is dimm’d, for a time, with a Tear:
Mild Charity’s glow,
To us mortals below,
Shows the soul from barbarity clear;
Compassion will melt,
Where this virtue is felt,
And its dew is diffused in a Tear:
The man, doom’d to sail
With the blast of the gale,
Through billows Atlantic to steer,
As he bends o’er the wave
Which may soon be his grave,
The green sparkles bright with a Tear;
The Soldier braves death
For a fanciful wreath
In Glory’s romantic career;
But he raises the foe
When in battle laid low,
And bathes every wound with a Tear.
If, with high-bounding pride,
He return to his bride!
Renouncing the gore-crimson’d spear;
All his toils are repaid
When, embracing the maid,
From her eyelid he kisses the Tear.
Sweet scene of my youth!
Seat of Friendship and Truth,
Where Love chas’d each fast-fleeting year
Loth to leave thee, I mourn’d,
For a last look I turn’d,
But thy spire was scarce seen through a Tear:
Though my vows I can pour,
To my Mary no more,
My Mary, to Love once so dear,
In the shade of her bow’r,
I remember the hour,
She rewarded those vows with a Tear.
By another possest,
May she live ever blest!
Her name still my heart must revere:
With a sigh I resign,
What I once thought was mine,
And forgive her deceit with a Tear.
Ye friends of my heart,
Ere from you I depart,
This hope to my breast is most near:
If again we shall meet,
In this rural retreat,
May we meet, as we part, with a Tear.
When my soul wings her flight
To the regions of night,
And my corse shall recline on its bier;
As ye pass by the tomb,
Where my ashes consume,
Oh! moisten their dust with a Tear.
Better out than in. I love those quintessential male moments where men are sucking in their tears. It might be a throaty cough, an awkward sniff, a brisk, “yeah, cool, okay”… .
Crying isn’t only authentic, expressive, and real. It can also be highly functional. Perhaps if men knew that men who cry at the appropriate moments pull more chicks, there would be less sniffing and cutteral crunting, and more tears.