What are you looking at?

The other day I was on my way to do some radio stuff when I happened across two people (a couple) in their car, who were having the marital spat of the century.

Clearly, not happy.

You generally don’t expect too much entertainment sitting in traffic, but it’s fair to say that they were providing quite the distraction for everyone within a two hundred metre radius.

I was about five cars away and I could hear every word. None of which I would share with Grandma Harper. Next set of lights I pulled up beside them and glanced in their direction (couldn’t help myself).
Big mistake.
At the same time, the woman (a little charmer) turned away from her bloke, realised I was looking (how dare I), and screamed at me:

What are the f… are you looking at?

I felt like saying “you two dickheads creating a scene”, but realising she could probably kick the crap out of me, I opted for the girlie option and said nothing.

Embarrassing I know.

Have you ever watched an argument from a distance?
Two people screaming, nobody listening, tension, frustration, spit, tears, elevated blood pressure, increased heart rate, cardio vascular stress, production of potentially harmful hormones (adrenalin, cortisol), not to mention the social, emotional and psychological discomfort two angry, insensitive, stupid idiots can create for everyone (kids, friends, work colleagues, strangers) within ear-shot.

Some of us regularly live in a negative and destructive emotional state.

Not you or I, of course, but possibly someone we know.
Well.

We whinge, we complain, we blame, we judge, we criticise, we resent, we envy and generally we’re unpleasant to be around (periodically at least).

We get ourselves into an unproductive, destructive, negative state and we ‘create’ new problems.

We need to ask ourselves a few things:

1. Do these negative emotions (jealousy, resentment, anger, bitterness, greed, envy, etc.) fix anything, or create any positive outcomes?

2. By me getting myself into a negative state, who is most likely to suffer?

3. Am I (really) honest with myself or am I happy to blame anything and anyone for my problems and circumstances?

4. Do I really want my life / situation / body / relationships to change for the better… or do I like to revel in my own misery? Do I really want to change things, or do I want someone else to fix it?

We rarely think it’s us.
We always think we’re right, they’re wrong and they just don’t get it.

Or get us.

We keep looking for the person who will ‘get’ us.

But at the same time, we spend our entire life not listening, not understanding, not empathising and not trying to ‘get’ others.

Sometimes the simple act of listening to someone, rather than talking at them will fix things.

Chat with someone who’s having problems with a partner, friend or work colleague; you’re never gonna hear: “you know what, I’ve been a real pain in the arse lately; I never listen, I’m inconsiderate and I only ever see things from my point of view. I really think I need to apologise and change.”
“And by the way; she’s fantastic and I really appreciate her.”

Ain’t gonna happen.
But it should.

The truth is; it’s always us.
At least a bit.
No matter how right we think we are, understand this… it’s always about us.
In some way, on some level.

Even if someone is difficult, we still contribute.

I often tell people (who are giving me their version of the truth) that I believe they are the problem; even if they are my friends. Just because I care about someone, doesn’t mean they’re always right.

Keep this in mind: you might be the greatest person, with the best motives and the nicest nature… and still offend, hurt and insult those around you (without ever intending to, or without even being aware).

I know, I’ve been offending people for years! …don’t mean to, but still do it.
Even with a post like this, someone will have a positive revelation and write to thank me for the insight; another person will get offended and hate what I’ve written.

Now before I get a hundred negative responses to this little piece, I want to acknowledge that there are times when it is very understandable that we get ourselves into a negative place. I also acknowledge that many people suffer from serious psychological and emotional issues which won’t be fixed overnight.

That’s not who I’m talking about here.
I’m talking about people who constantly make life and relationships harder than they need to be.
By choice.

I spend lots of time with lots of people… and I am always interested in how people choose to deal with situations and circumstances.

People who choose to be angry – I don’t mean for three minutes, or every now and then, I mean people who are generally angry, grumpy and bitter; you know these people.

Choose to be resentful.
Choose to be bitter.
Choose to be jealous.
Choose to be greedy.
Choose to blame.

Therefore; choose to be unhappy and unfulfilled.
Choose mediocrity.
Choose to be alone.

Think about it; who wants to be around someone who is negative all the time.

If you want to be loved, needed, wanted, liked, respected … then give people a reason.
Be the person that people want to hang around.

Choose to be positive, not negative.
Choose to be proactive, not reactive.
Choose to see the good, not the bad.
Choose to make others feel great, rather than yourself look good.
Choose to listen.
Choose to understand.
Choose to change yourself for the better.

Sometimes getting yourself in a better place mentally and emotionally, is about asking the right questions:

Wrong Question Why was I given these genetics?
Right Question With my genetics, what’s best way for me to eat and exercise to optimise my potential?

Wrong Question How come I always get injured and can’t train?
Right Question Now that I’m injured, what can I do to remain active and maintain momentum?

Wrong Question Why does he / she always react like that?
Right Question What am I doing to contribute to the problem?

Wrong Question Why doesn’t he / she listen?
Right Question What’s the most effective way for me to communicate with this person, to create the best outcome?

Wrong Question Why is he / she so difficult?
Right Question What can I do to improve things between us?
Right Question Why am I so difficult?

Wrong Question When will things finally go my way?
Right Question What can I do right now to change my reality?

Wrong Question Why does this always happen to me?
Right Question What do I do to make this happen?

Wrong Question Who will help me?
Right Question Who can I help?

Wrong Question Why have I had such a crappy past?
Right Question How can I have an amazing future?