Hi Team. Today we have another instalment from our Newbie Blogger; the very lovely CJ…
Please Don’t Slip on My Spleen
Yesterday, as I was driving home after a mammoth gym session (Note to self: when the trainer – aka the Smiling Assassin – asks “how’s that weight you’re lifting?” do not answer with “It’s fine”. Because he’ll only make it heavier. Answer him with: “Sorry? What was that? I couldn’t hear you over the sound of my bones snapping, muscles tearing and my ACL rupturing”.
I’m not sure what an ACL is but I know footballers have them. And tear them. A lot. “Oh, and that red shiny thing on the carpet over there is my spleen. Or perhaps a fragment of liver. Either way, it just shot out of my belly button on that last rep. Mind you don’t step on it or you could slip and have a nasty fall. And we wouldn’t want that now, would we?”
This morning I noticed a poster on a bus advertising a new film which has just been released: ‘The Time Travellers’ Wife’. The film is based on one of my favourite books of the same title by Audrey Niffenegger. Part of me wants to see the film but I also know that it’s unlikely that it will do the book justice. Do they ever?
Bitten by the Travel Bug
It struck me that most of my favourite films and books involve time travel: Back to the Future, The Amazing Mr Blunden, Terminator, Playing Beatie Bow. It’s not the how of time travel which fascinates me (any device more complex than my hair straightener baffles me); it’s the question of what we would change if we could visit the past which really intrigues me. Imagine if 30 (40, 50, 60) year-old you could have lunch with 16 year-old you. What would you tell you? So to speak.
The Mercurial Past
If you think about it, ‘the past’ is a curious and slippery concept in itself. We probably all remember ruling up ‘timelines’ in primary (elementary) school where past, present and future were relegated to a linear progression. Time was presented as mathematical and absolute. But, in reality, it isn’t. Because ‘the past’ which is filed away in our minds is relative. Of course, we have evidence of the past – buildings, artifacts, photographs, books and innumerable other clues – but our memory of it is affected and distorted by all the aspects of our being that make us, well, us.
But I Saw it with My Own Eyes!
That is, we construct our past in the same way that we construct our present: through the ‘dirty windscreen’ of our own perceptions. The bugs on that windscreen include our background, education, experiences, fears, assorted emotional baggage, vanity, triumphs, failures, political views, religious beliefs, ambitions, age, gender and so on. There is no universal objective reality. Just in the same way that two witnesses to a bank robbery will provide the police with totally different accounts of the incident (based on their perspectives), you can ask two people to recall the same event from their past only to hear vastly different stories. That’s if they both remember the same event at all.
Time After Time
Recently I caught up with an old friend from high school. Naturally, we discussed the ‘olden days’ and part of the conversation went something like this:
JB: Do you remember when we went out with each other for about two weeks in Year Ten?
CJ: Did we?
JB: Don’t you remember that?
CJ: No. I can remember slow dancing with you to the last song at a Blue Light Disco. It may have been a Cyndi Lauper song. I think we had one of those let-me-assess-your-dental-work-with-my-tongue kisses.
JB: I don’t remember that!
CJ: Thanks a lot.
JB: Well, you can’t remember the two whole weeks when we were going out with each other. I remember when I walked you home from school. I went to kiss you outside the front of your house but you wouldn’t let me because you were afraid that your mother was watching.
CJ: Really?
JB: Really. I can’t believe you don’t remember that!
CJ: Sorry. Nothing’s coming.
JB: Nothing’s changed.
CJ: Shut up.
Well, I’m glad I haven’t been worried about that particular ‘relationship’ for the past 20 or so years. Do you see what I mean? The past is subjective. Events only have the meaning we give them. Or maybe it’s just that my memory is complete rubbish! Yeah, that could be it.
But What If…
However, even though I understand this the-past-only-lives-in-my-mind crap, oops, sorry, Post-Modernist Theory, I still find the whole idea of time travel very enticing. Maybe it’s the impending fortieth birthday thing. Maybe it’s because on some level, I still haven’t come to terms with the mistakes and decisions I’ve made in the past. Maybe it’s because I just want to go back and marvel at the spectacular arse I had when I was twenty-one.
Do you ever think about what you would change? Perhaps you would:
- Choose a different career path: following your dreams, not your parents’
- Listen to your mother when she told you that guy was after only one thing and it wasn’t your well-developed conversational skills
- Rethink that perm
- And those fluoro clothes
- Take back that thing that you said
- Say that thing that you should have said but didn’t
- Invest
- Forgive
- Take lots of photos before gravity becomes your enemy
- Hug your old self
- Find Brad Pitt, destroy his confidence as a budding actor and keep him all to yourself – you know he’s going to age well, right?
- Leave!
Is Pain a ‘Great Teacher’ or Just a Pain in the Arse?
Oh, it’s just so tempting, isn’t it? With the clarity of hindsight, we could spare ourselves from so much hurt and pain. We could steer ourselves down the right path, away from danger, away from the decisions and pivotal moments which we now know were only going to bring us heartache. We could save ourselves so much misery! But what would we lose in the process?
Plenty.
We would lose a big, important part of ourselves because it is the lessons of the past – good and bad, painful and pleasurable, ugly and beautiful, happy and sad – that have made us the people we are today. Pain is called pain because it hurts. But it’s necessary. Without it we would never learn and never grow. And we all want to grow and improve ourselves, right? We all want to become the ‘best version of us’?
Avoiding Anachronisms
An important first step towards embracing our past selves is forgiveness and acceptance. To acknowledge that we did the best we could to look after ourselves and others with the resources, wisdom and understanding that we had available to us at the time. We wouldn’t say to sixteenth-century Anne Bolyn, second wife of King Henry VIII, ‘Get a grip, girl! Why don’t you just tell Henry that you’re quite attached to your head and you’d like to keep it, thanks very much. And then you could get a job in IT and rent a nice little highrise apartment in London.’. Sounds ridiculous? Yep. Just as ridiculous as judging the sixteen, eighteen, twenty or thirty year old you by what you now know. Because, if you’re anything like me, back then you probably didn’t know much. At all. I thought Duran Duran would go on forever. Never heard of them? Precisely.
Staying Right Here – Warts and All
So, in hindsight, I think I might give the whole time travel thing a miss. I guess I’ll have to dismantle that nearly-completed brilliant contraption that I’ve been building in my basement (who am I kidding? I’m flat out opening a milk carton). Because as much as thinking about my mistakes of the past causes me embarrassment, I wouldn’t give up those lessons and experiences for all the world. As Keats says, Ay, in the very temple of Delight / Veil’d Melancholy has her sovran shrine. That is, we have to allow ourselves to feel sorrow so that we can recognise joy. Which is important because Joy gets really pissed off when you don’t recognise her. 
Show and Tell
We have all made mistakes. We are all imperfect. But, if we are brave, we are all improving, growing and learning. What would you do if you found a time-machine in your basement? Or if Marty McFly turned up at your house with the DeLorean? Would you go back in time? If not, why not? If so, what would you change? Please tell.
CJ xox
{ 29 comments… read them below or add one }
The past has past. Leave it there, but learn from it. I know for me, patience (or lack thereof) has been one of my barriers to progressing forward with anything. Unless you’re being chased by a lion or about to be eaten by a shark how about you just pull up the reigns and enjoy the journey of getting there (wherever that may be for you). Appreciate your family and friends… and nature… and practice gratitude.
We just have to learn to live in the now a lot more than we do. I feel a tad guilty right now, as I seem to be living in the future. Or am I? Sometimes the line can appear blurry between the now and the future. I’m thinking so much about what I’ll be doing in 10 months time (climbing a mountain in Nepal) and yet I am living in the now at the same time. Yeah, I’m confused too! Find some stuff to look forward to for sure, but don’t forget to live moment-to-moment. And like I said, leave the past behind you but take whatever lessons you can from it. Sometimes the best lessons can be the most painful ones, and the most drawn out ones.
I’m incredibly fortunate to be here right now, as this human.
I have no idea how I came to be attached to this body.
I have no idea where I am going.
I have no idea why I would need to control my life.
I have no idea why I wouldn’t be content, and at one, with each passing moment.
I have no idea why I couldn’t be happy dealing with what comes next.
I have no idea why I would be bitter about the past.
I have no idea why I think things are always better outside of myself, or at some other time.
But I do know I am a product of infinite evolution.
And I do know that I am bound for eternity.
I have no idea why I would fiddle with that.
If Marty McFly turned up at your house with the DeLorean, I would return in a ‘new york minute’ and fix one of my biggest regrets.
I’ve definitely done some dumb things in the past, many which I prefer not to think about, much less talk about. But, given the opportunity, I don’t think I’d go back and change them. I believe everything happens for a reason. I might have ended up being someone else, somewhere else, doing something else, with some other people. I kinda like my life the way it is! I have the most awesome kids in the world, and had I done things differently, they wouldn’t be here. So, yeah, I’ll just keep the past the way it is.
Finally, you got to the accepting-the-past part
I understand a lot of use dream about changing things in our past (personally, I fantasize a bit more about the future), but I think this can be bad for is. It can be a symptom of not being able to accept it and not being able to accept ourselves as imperfect. Get that out of the old noggin, and you can be in the present more.
Eduard
Some things i would go back and change others i would leave alone.If i could undo some things i said and done i would but then would it change the me that i have become because of those things and would the change be for the best or the worse?
the passing of my parents is one thing i wouldn’t live to relive again,
I guess the pass is nice to visit but why relive old pain the future holds so much more promise and hope and afterall if we didnt live the things we lived how could we teach our children or become better people ourselves
Great post, I have always said that I do not regret anything in my life as I am happy with who I am. Everything that has happened has made me who I am.
I do wonder occassionally what life would be life if I had taken another path but what is the point, I am where I am now. If I want to change where I am at, I need to make those changes now not wish I had years/months/weeks/days ago.
I’m with you Jules.
Why go back, been there done that. Move on.
Your past is like a rerun of a movie that you like…or not. You can remember some lines to the script but forget others; stay friends with some of the cast and crew but wish the others had sunk with the Titanic. You know how your movie ended right up to this moment.
My next line on todays script…”pass the coffee; looks like it may be a scorcher. Might have to go to the beach!”
But for the moment I will enjoy the now {smell the coffee}….the past is out there; I can watch a rerun but I’d rather savour today and plan for the next installment of “Where is my life going?”
Have a rockin’ day all
A great topic to think about, CJ. A couple of years ago, someone asked me how I thought my life would have turned out if my mum hadn’t died when I was 14 (it changed me and my life direction quite substantially). Whoa! That gave me plenty to think about for a few days.
But it was just entertaining pondering really. I’ve stuffed up, fixed up, moved on. After another nearly 40 years, I’ve learned an awful lot – things I wouldn’t give up, even though they hurt.
Like you said, this is who I am. All those things made me. I’m fine with it. And I’ve got plenty more time, I hope, to make a few more mistakes and plenty more occasions for joy!
Hi CJ – great post and a subject that really hits a nerve for me.
Up until about four weeks ago I would have been in that DeLorean and heading right back to 1984 to “fix” something that I have been struggling forgiving myself for for the past 25 years. Something that I think I have been judging myself for far worse than the judgement I perceived everyone else was dishing out (well, some were, but that’s another story).
That all changed about four weeks ago when one of my (newest), but dearest and closest friends had a chat with me and opened my eyes to a whole new perspective. I’ve done a lot of thinking since that time and FINALLY feel free from the guilt, pain and hurt that I’ve caused myself and others for such a long time. It feels so good to have finally left those demons where they belong …. in the past and I must say the future looks bright ahead. I’m sure they’ll try to visit every now and then when I’m vulnerable, but a swift kick will send them back to where they belong.
So, for now the keys to the DeLorean can be handed to someone else, I’ll hop in my little car and drive forward thanks!
Hugs and I look forward to reading many more of your posts CJ
Tess xxxx
“Your past is like a rerun of a movie…” I love that Heidi – you’re very clever. You know how there are those movies you’d see again and again and still enjoy it? And others where you wouldn’t even see a second time? How about those pain in the ass songs on the radio that stick in your head… and the stupid tv ads you see a million times a week (eg. “from little things big things grow” – is my annoying ad right now).
Within a movie are those awesome one liners or scenes that are your favourites that make you laugh so much that you cry or that really stick out. I sure know that there are many ‘one liners’ in my life that I have loved. But, why is it that we seem to put our f*&! up’s before our masterpieces? Why, Craig? Why can’t we focus on the good more often? I guess that bit is up to us – to put the good first.
Heidi – I’ll leave the coffee to you. I hate the smell of the thing. Hot choc for me any day… though its off limits for a while. I’m in full flight with my Mountain training. No excess fat or sugar for this chick. I’ll join you for a run on the beach though
And, does anyone remember those ‘choose your own adventure’ books? Go to page 12 if you choose this, or page 22 for that. Our life story is being written and filmed live-to-air. Make yours a box office hit.
Nice work CJ x
Littlejohn – you de man.
If you asked me a year ago if i would go back and change anything it would have been yes.. however today I can honestly say NO !
I wouldnt change a thing…
The past can haunt and this obession to let it go and get over it is annoying, if you don’t like someone talking about the past use a conversation killer.
My past is tragic and horrible, it is happy and wonderful, it just is both, that’s the way it is. Staying in the present is fine. But telling others to get over the past says a lot more about you than it does them, if you don’t want to live in the past and hear about other’s woes politily say I don’t want to live in the past and leave the person. Some do not get past their pasts. That is ok. It is not up to us to drag someone into the future or present if they do not want to. I also don’t agree that all pain is necessary. Some wasn’t.
How dare you diss Duran Duran went to see them last year they are as young and fresh as they were in the 80’s.
As for that Eric Bana film I would rather go to the dentist 
I wasnt even halfway thru this post before I was thinkin of the things I would change but honestly that lasted about 2 nanoseconds. The biggest thing I took from this post is accepting you did the best you could with the knowledge you had at the time.
Would I go back to ‘77 and tell my creepy grandfather to keep his hands to himself?- nah being a shy 10yr old i got thru it ok and learned alot about myself.
Would I go back to ‘93 and not marry my ex cause in 8 yrs time he would go bipolar on me? – nah then i wouldnt have my beautiful 3 kids and life was fun and unpredictable for a little while.
Would i go back to Feb 7 and pack all my possessions into the car? nah it was just stuff – though having a quick chat with a few special neighbours and lettin the horses out would not have gone astray. hindsight can be a learning experience but it cant change what has already happended so dont let it do your head in.
There is still the chance I will stuff up monumentally today but as long as im doing my best to live a good life thats the main thing. hmm very indepth today.
oh and i dont like chick flicks either – gimme arnie schwarzenneger any day.
Hi CJ,
I loved your post this morning, and as with most people, it hit a nerve for me too.
I have let go of my past and made peace with it to an extent only. What do I mean by this? Well, I finally understand why I am the way that I am because of the way I was raised, the way I was conditioned when I was very young, WHY I made the choices and mistakes that I made. I have an understanding of those, and they no longer trigger an emotional reaction in my body, followed by a physical one, they definitely don’t affect me on a daily basis, but at times, I still ruminate over the wrong choices I made. As soon as I catch myself ruminating I recognise the feeling for what it is, wishing I did better at time followed by a comforting thought of ‘When I knew better I did better’.
The choices I made were definitely wrong at the time, and although I did the best that I could at the time, they were still wrong. However, I have learned my lesson from those decisions because I chose to learn from it. My point is, as you said in your post, all humans make mistakes because we are human, and it’s impossible not to make one. In fact, it is good to make mistakes because that’s the best way to learn from them. However, I must emphasise that we don’t have to start using drugs, become an addict and then get over our addiction to understand that drugs are bad therefore we shouldn’t use them. When I say that it is ‘good’ to make mistakes I mean that without making mistakes we wouldn’t learn, progress, mature, understand ourselves and the world etc- but only if we choose to understand what the mistake was and most importantly what the GREATER lesson from that mistake was.
I’ll give a brief example of what I mean. I was in quite an emotionally abusive relationship for almost 3 years, mind you I didn’t understand at the time that the relationship wasn’t good for me (although deep down my instinct was always telling me otherwise but I chose to ignore it….ladies follow your instinct, that gut feeling that tells you to leave the man that’s not good for you). So, I was 19, naive, inexperienced, didn’t know what true love entailed, what it meant, but crucially I didn’t know who I was- which is at the core of any issue, I believe, be it romantic relationship or any other for that matter.
So, to cut the long story short, I didn’t leave the guy, he completely damaged any self-esteem and self-worth that I had (although I would now argue that he couldn’t have damaged my self-esteem because I didn’t have it in the first place), he left me and moved on with someone else. At the time, my whole world crushed and it was the most devastating thing that could have happened to me (did I mention I was naive, young and inexperienced…I wish I could’ve hugged myself then). It took me 3 solid years of not being in a relationship, searching, looking, writing, crying, pitying myself, being desperate for male attention, not understanding really what the issue was, until I finally got it. It was me, this whole time I was searching for myself, my lack of love, respect, appreciation and understanding for myself. Once I finally got it, my whole world looked different. So I was still me to the outside world but I had changed. It felt so good to stand on my two feet and know that I was GREAT, I was so GREAT that I wanted to kiss myself every morning (only if I could
).
The lesson is this. What I thought was the worst thing that happened to me (some idiot leaving me) was unequivocally the best thing that happened in my life.
Lesson number 2- it is only the best thing in my life because I choose to see it that way. Had I remained the same girl as that 19 year old that was so weak and thought of herself as unlovable and unworthy, I would still live in the past suffering for the man that didn’t deserve or love me. I made a mistake because I didn’t leave him the first time he called me ‘fat’, or the second or third or hundredth time. Making that mistake is not the crime here, but not learning from is.
So we all make mistakes because we’re human. But if we really don’t learn from it, if we are slaves to mistakes we made 5, 10, 50 years ago, then we’re really making mistakes on a daily basis.
So this is what we’ve established:
1. Human = making a mistake
2. Making a mistake = learning a valuable lesson from it so that you don’t do it again, so that you grow from it, love yourself more because you have that understanding now
3. Valuable lesson = moving on with your life
4. Moving on with your life = don’t waste one more precious second on dwelling, ruminating! There is a whole life out there, only if you allow it to be.
Love,
Adrijana
Hi Craig,
I would have to say that the things that have led me to my life right now, have helped me to be happier than I ever have been. Having been through two previous relationship breakups in the past now at 43 I am fitter than I ever have been, even when I played competative grade cricket in my late teens early 20’s. I have been very happily married for the last 7 years to someone who finally gets me. The past as you suggest was very painful and at times demoralising. But would I trade it for anything? probably not. Because out of that I have three fantastic adult children, and a woman who makes me very happy. Had I not gone through the things that I have I would not be as happy as I am.
No- I wouldn’t change a thing- although I have plenty that I “could” and probably “should” change- but…we are who we are because of what we’ve done.. and I really like who I am now…
I’d love to go back and make different choices. But I was not emotionally capable of making the “right” decisions at the time, so I would’ve messed it up anyway.
Now here’s the real deal – imagine right now that you are 20 years older and you found a time machine to bring you back to NOW. What changes are you going to make?
just quickly Adrianna.. a drug addict doesnt choose to be one.. just like a person with diabeties doesnt choose it…..
When I have a situation in front of me, I ask myself can i do anything that will change the outcome for the better. If the answer is yes then I do it or deal with it, if the answer is no, I move on. Worrying won’t change a situation it will just make you feel sick. Why worry about the past, make the most of the now and soon the now will become the past and there will be no need to change it.
I learnt this from a smart man, (I think his name was Craig) Its a principal that doesn’t come naturally (our instinct is to worry) but I consciously stop and ask myself the question. It works (almost) all of the time.
Dear Anonymous,
The example about drugs was merely a figurative one, meaning that we don’t have to experience everything there is to experience to know that something isn’t good for us, or that it’s wrong, ie we don’t have to jump of the bridge to know that the ending result will probably not be a good one. The same applies to using drugs.
But to reply to your comment re choice, for most people I do believe that taking drugs is a choice. Yes, some people are more likely to use drugs because of their disposition, their environment, genetics, socio-economic status, and many other factors that I can’t possibly name now (there’s simply too many). However, at the end of the day, it’s still a choice (unless we’re talking about a baby who’s become an addict by their mother’s choice, that’s a completely different story).
People with type 2 diabetes, some of them are responsible for making poor lifestyle decisions by not exercising enough, making wrong food choices and becoming overweight and/or obese. So that too is a choice. So they’ve still made a choice not to exercise, to overeat and the consequence of that is type 2 diabetes, which can be reversed with a healthy lifestyle plan.
Hi Adrijana,
Well you said it.. you dont have to experience say being a midget to know that I would prefer now to be one but that is not to say that was a choice!
If you choose to pick up a drug that is a choice but to be a drug addict is NOT, is a disease like another… I quote “unless we’re talking about a baby who’s become an addict by their mother’s choice, that’s a completely different story” WELL IT IS NOT they were again BORN with the disease is.. not everyone who picks up a drug has to compuslively take it at whatever cost…and that is the difference…
And yes some with diabeties if diagnosed and keep eating donuts is a contributing factor but yet does NOT Mean they always chose it..some gets onset in pregnancy and all other reasons. . SOME are responsible NOT all… and yeah SOME can be reversed with healthy lifestyle BUT for others unfortunately it is there lot in life.. NOT a BAD CHOICE BUT RATHER A MAKE UP OR ALLERGY.. THEY CANT JUST TAKE A DRINK, A DRUG OR SOME CANT EVEN HAVE ONE SLICE OF BREAD… It may NOW be a choice NOT to take it but IT IS NOT A CHOICE TO BE AN ADDICT
Hi Everyone,
Sorry I haven’t checked in earlier. I’ve been to the podiatrist (no laughing) and then shoe shopping (I said, no laughing!). Yes, thank you for asking, after a rather harrowing few hours made far worse by the salesman who made an impatient ‘tsk tsk’ sound every time I tried to squeeze my flippers into a patent-leather wedge (I felt like wedging something … but that wouldn’t be very Zen, would it?) I did manage to find a pair which almost fit.
Thanks for the lovely feedback and thought-provoking comments. How good are you guys? Please keep them coming; I love to know what you’re thinking and where you are on your journeys.
CJ xox
At first I thought “how cool would it be to go back & look at things differently” but upon thinking about it I have decided that I’m happy with leaving my past in my past. I have made mistakes and hopefully learnt from these, after all these mistakes are what has made me the person I am at the moment, I hope the mistakes of the future will also improve on the old model, but that is for the future to decide.
My only disappointment is the people around me (family members) who haven’t learn’t & keep blaming others for there past instead of looking within. Will they ever learn or remain on there distructive merry go round? Do you keep trying to encourage them to see things differently or is it in there make up to be forever negative about the future and that change is OK not to be feared. If they dont let go of the past it will suffocate them forever.
Thanks CJ for a very thought provoking post
Adrijana
1. Human = making a mistake
2. Making a mistake = learning a valuable lesson from it so that you don’t do it again, so that you grow from it, love yourself more because you have that understanding now
3. Valuable lesson = moving on with your life
4. Moving on with your life = don’t waste one more precious second on dwelling, ruminating! There is a whole life out there, only if you allow it to be.
CJ can you convince Craig to put this as a mantra on his site?
Brillant.
I can’t move on but forgetting step 4 (having said that I did sort of move on) but you are a LEGEND
Thanks
I have to say that, if I had the chance to return to my past, I would go back in a heartbeat! I would completely change a major decision I made and I truly believe that my life today would have been totally different had I made a different decision. And I would not now have that persistent feeling that 20 years of my life have been wasted because I was just filling in time and getting through each day. I think I would also have avoided some difficult, trying and painful years. Not really sure that they did anything for me.
Sorry if this is contrary to the thinking of most of the commenters here, but it is how I feel. And I guess the whole point of this site is to find out what other people think – we can’t all be the same.
I had been dealing with the past from the last 2 yrs and I can say that it was very painful at first because I was not ready to accept it in the first place.Went thru lots of introspecting and now finally realize that it was meant to be the way it was! Had I not gone thru all the mistakes I would not be the person I am today. I appreciate the people in my life I have today and realize their worth much more .Have become more understanding of human nature and enjoy the little pleasures of life which we often take for granted.As for people who have wronged us in the past,God is up there to take care of all that .If we start doing all the worrying ourselves,God will stop worrying for us…..