Hi Guys, CJ here. Nice to see you. And be seen by you. 
Before we get underway today, Johnny has asked me to let you know that two people had to pull the pin on this weekend’s upcoming MBE experience at the very gorgeous Wilson’s Prom in Victoria. This means that we unexpectedly have two places available for the program. Very short notice I know but if by some crazy stretch of the imagination you would like to fill one or two of those places, email Johnny or call him on 0413 244 614.
On with the show…
Please Shoot Me
Recently, I had coffee with an old friend and his brand new work colleague, Gary. Within minutes, it became apparent that Gary was a talker. And not just any talker (I come from a long line of motor-mouths myself) but the King of Talkers. Nay, the Emperor of Talkers. And, of course, I had decided not to go to the loo before I sat down. Damn that diabetes.
It was as if Gary was a contestant on a bizarre game-show where the cheesy host had instructed him, “Now, Gary, this is your chance to win the major prize of (drumroll) admiration and approval from others! You have thirty minutes and your time starts … now!”
With lightning speed and no visible need for oxygen, Gary subtly wove into the conversation (or monologue) numerous anecdotes that highlighted his past sporting triumphs (all of them). He then treated us to a series of short stories where impending disaster (caused by other people’s incompetence) was averted by Super Gary saving the day. When he had exhausted his own achievements, he moved on to those of his family – very wealthy geniuses, all of them, apparently.
As his untouched coffee slowly cooled into a tepid disappointment, so too did my enthusiasm for Super Gary. And I sensed that my friend was feeling the same way too. Okay, the look of disdain may have been something of a give-away.
Relax Already!
I’m not sure if Gary is like that with everyone. Maybe he just wanted to impress his new work colleague or, for some stupid reason, me. I’m not really sure but I do know that as he went on and on (and on), he revealed a lot more about himself than he (probably) intended to. Like his insecurities. His need for validation from others. His child-like hunger for praise and approval. His inability to connect with others. His complete lack of self-awareness. And his propensity to put a large dollop of mayo on his stories (to tell fibs).
I felt sorry for Gary. He’s not an arrogant dickhead (although he did a very good impression). He’s a good guy but he’s just so, well, exhausting. I wanted to give him a hug and tell him to just relax, be himself and bloody-well shut up for a minute. But I didn’t. Because apparently that’s a little inappropriate when you’ve only known someone for eight minutes. Go figure.
Excess Stock
As I drove home, craving silence, it occurred to me that it wasn’t only what Gary said which made his audience of two wish for a sudden need to evacuate the building, it was also the enormous quantity of his words. The more he said, the less we valued his words.
Perhaps Gary had fallen prey to one of those economic principles (which I don’t even pretend to understand) where an oversupply of a product creates less demand, less value and less appreciation. He simply flooded the market. And my ears. He created a glut of Gary words. He wanted to be an iPhone4G but he ended up being a Blackberry.
Less is More?
Could it be that in those situations where we need to use our words to impress or persuade someone, the fewer words we use, the more likely we are to succeed?
Of course, we shouldn’t ration our words to the point of giving monosyllabic responses (especially if we are a university lecturer, sports commentator or air-traffic controller) but maybe we could be a little more conscious of how much we are talking compared to how much we are listening? Because, when I think about it, the people to whom I listen the most are those who actually say the least. They appear calmer, more self-controlled, more commanding. They respond rather than react. They seem more authoritative and powerful. Weird, huh?
Perhaps it’s true that, sometimes, there’s an inverse correlation between the number of words spoken and (1) the level of connection created and (2) the potential impact of those words.
So …
Do you think there is a link between how much you say and how much you impress, impact upon or connect with someone? (If that is your goal). Do you have a Gary in your world? What can we learn from your Gary? Have you ever been Gary?
Looking forward to hearing your thoughts.
CJ xox
PS. This is my briefest post ever! Just thought I’d point that out.
PPS. Yes, I’m looking for your approval… (pathetic, I know)
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{ 16 comments… read them below or add one }
I once had a Gary colleague. Large quantity of words, many of them self promoting, devoid of empathy, and often out of context. He was clearly insecure, and this stirred up a contradictory mix of sympathy, annoyance, and avoidance in almost everyone.
One colleage, I’ll call him Barry, dealt with him very effectively and honestly, I thought. Whenever Gary’s mouth picked up speed (and it could get a bit aggressive), Barry would say to Gary, “I’m going to have to do the walking away thing”. And, if Gary kept talking, that’s exactly what Barry would do. He would walk away.
Regarding the quantity of words issue. I think most of us know someone who doesn’t say an awful lot, but when they speak, the words have substance.
You, Craig, and I know you’re not asking, are someone who generates a lot of words, but manages to balance the quantity with substance. Noice.
Sorry, CJ… you’re sounding amazingly like Craig these days.
Clearly, your word substance balance sheet is looking very healthy. LOL.
Great post, btw.
What infuriates me about “Garys” so much is that they expect you to listen to them for hours on end, but they will not return the favor and listen to what you have to say. Soon it just becomes a meaningless drone. I usually invent an urgent errand if cornered by a Gary . . . or if you do “aggressively”
manage to grab control of the conversation, Gary will usually soon wander off in search of the next available captive audience.
I don’t mind if someone has alot to say if they are willing to listen in return (i.e., your bff who is willing to listen to you complain about your horrible day because they know you will do the same for them) and/or if they have something meaningful to share and will entertain feedback.
yep sit nxt 2 twn teaches me patience and tolerance…maybe they cant afford therapy
In relation to your question….is it the quality of our words that really matter….i can confidently answer that. In a previous life i was in a role where communication was of utmost importance (in fact not too dramatic to say that peoples lives depended on it). At times every single word that came out of my mouth had to be very carefully chosen and directed to the receiver with a clearly defined purpose. It was much more important to LISTEN to the Garys and then seek out a clear concise response….it takes a LOT of energy for the Garys to continue on with their motor mouths for any length of time. The best thing is to ride it out then choose some simple clear words to get out of the situation….if thats what you want to do. Takes a lot of practice and experience but you can do it in a way which doesnt offend.
YES……….quality of words is EVERYTHING.
CJ: You did it again; used personal experience with humor to impress an important point. I’ve been that Gary and being Gary really, take what you say to heart. BTW, I think Gary is an abbreviation for Garrulous. As a youth, second of four boys, I was nicknamed Gabby. Anyhoolie, as CH says I’m cutting back on my intake of talkohol. Hugs, Gary in the States
I think I’m a “Gary”
Growing up it was just my thing and everyone loved me for it, I come from a family of talkers so you had to talk fast to get in what you wanted before anyone butted it…guess it stuck with me. Then as I got older I just never stopped and have been ridiculed and teased ever since (now 35). I feel sad and lonely because I never go out because I feel like I have nothing good to say… I just ramble. I have tried all my adult life not to be but I am who I am and it’s killing me emotionally to be anything else
I do listen and I do let other people talk and my few close friends tell me that it’s just ‘me’ and they love me for it but I can’t help but feel insecure about it.
Maybe Gary wishes he wasn’t a “Gary” like me?
Random thought.. but I wonder if “Gary” has ADD/ADHD?
That inability to read your audience, fast talking etc are fairly common symptoms.
My experience might help other “Gary’s”:
I have very low level ADD/ADHD (was not diagnosed until I was in my late 30′s) and can find myself talking ‘to’ people rather than with them. Especially if I am nervous. I try to be aware of it and shut up (or ask questions) as much as possible. I also sometimes have to work to actively listen as my mind tends to wander. Some quieter members of my family love it as they barely need to speak if I am around. Of course other days I cannot get words from my head to my mouth and barely say boo. ADD medications and awareness of my tendencies have really improved my relationships with family and friends.
And yes, people who talk less get listened to more. Same as people who talk quietly rather than shouting (again in context!). Quality rather than quantity is fairly important in all communications.
Dear Gary?
I have found that people such as yourself often end up overtalking as a sign of nerves in a social situation. You might not think that you feel ‘nervous’ but i often find people just keep talking to try and avoid that feeling of insecurity and it sort of just takes off and you cant stop it. Everyone likes to be liked and if you have underlying feelings of insecurity you may be just overcompensating.
Maybe try to relax a bit more when with others. The reason i think this is because i too have been a Gary and have learnt how to overcome it. You can still be who you are, but the overtalking Gary is probably not really who you are. RELAX and let the real YOU come out
I work outdoors and I meet a lot of very old people who have very little social contact so I let them be “Garys” and tell their stories some are dead set boring but give them 20 minutes of your time and they walk away thinking your a good bloke and they feel good for the day.
On the other hand prehaps its just some form of wierd self entertainment but I love the “Garys” of the world. I listen intently and when I think the truth is being stretched I mirror back what they have said. So when they say the Fish was six inches I asure them that type is not so small and get them to agree that it must have been bigger till finally the Guppy turns out to be a Whale!!!!
Then you know you have landed a “Blind Mullet!” and they self realise they have been caught! Enjoy the silence next time you meet.
I had a boss who once told me that sometimes it’s better to keep your mouth shut and let people think you are an idiot, than to open it and prove that you are…
Gosh I think I am a Gary, because my whole post just dissappeared with a little window that popped up saying that I was posting comments too quickly. I think it has gone off into cyber land!
Our 9 year old son sounds like a bit of a “Gary”. Not in that he talks about his sporting achievements and how amazing he is. He just talks and talks and talks, and unintentionally forgets that other people around him might not want to hear what he has to say or that they might want to talk too. He doesn’t talk about rubbish. He’s a well read kid. Unfortunately though for him, he is now a victim of school room bullying as a result, which is unfair and cruel. He’s not hurting anybody, not in a way that would justify what is going on. Thankfully he has a very on the ball teacher, who is sorting the matter out to the point that parents have been contacted. She is also working with us to encourage him to be more considerate of others and that people might not necessarily want to know all about the pyramids in Egypt, day in and day out. Not matter how exciting it is. Hopefully with a bit of positive reinforcement our son won’t grow up to be a “Gary”.
Oh so true CJ. I have a close relative who just talks and talks and talks you can’t get a word in. If you finally break in you get accused of interrupting.And it’s “anyway as I was saying” rather pointedly..then on with he said, she said blah/blah, blah. Everybody comments on it but she thinks she is a ‘people person’ and won’t accept that she talks too much. She constantly talks herself up and puts others down so I put it down to low self esteem.
I too find that the most interesting people are usually the quieter ones and the over talkers rarely have anything interesting to say.
I thought you were Craig until I saw Robyn’s comment. I’m thinking Craig has diabetes?? Pays to read from the start.
IMO less is more. enough said.
Agree, CJ !
There is not much worse than being talked AT !!
In the same family of the Gary is the person who always has to one-up your comments.
Caught a fish? Oh, I did that last week
Aced your uni exam? Yeah, when I was at uni I got DUX
Had an awesome burger for lunch? No, the best burgers are at XYZ…
Unfortunately, Some people are just no fun to talk to and you end up avoiding them
Hi guys,
Thanks for all your comments. I think the general consensus is that the Garys of this world need to be managed sensitively. Sometimes this could involve saying “I’m going to have to do the walking away thing” (love that, Robyn) or perhaps we just need to suck it up and try to understand that it could simply be nerves. Or, when one’s mother launches into her second hour of telephone monologue, just ring the doorbell. Works every time.
Big, big hugs for the Garys and the friends of Garys.
CJ xox