What if…
What if I forget the words when I stand up there? What if I go completely blank? What if I totally suck? What if I look or sound stupid? What if they hate me? What if I’m not pretty enough? Cool enough? Smart enough? Qualified enough? Experienced enough? Talented enough? Thin enough? What if they see through my act? What if they discover what I’m really like? What if they find out about my issues? Or my history? What if the course is too difficult for me? What if I do what Craig suggests and it doesn’t work? Or what if it does work and then I lose motivation and focus? Surely I’m too old to start something new anyway? Or too inexperienced to establish my own business? Perhaps I’m past learning new things and developing new skills? Surely I won’t fit in, will I? What if I get all excited – like I always do – and then fail again? What if I disappoint people again? Hmm, perhaps I need a little more time to plan and think about this.
Which is code for “I’m too scared to do anything, so I’ll do nothing”.
Again.
A Disease
Self doubt; it’s a disease that doesn’t discriminate. It affects our mind, our emotions and even our physiology. It’s multi-dimensional and if you let it, it will destroy your opportunities, waste your potential, ruin your relationships, infect your thinking, crush your hope and at its worst, ruin your life. It’s not concerned with race, religion, age, skin colour, past achievements, social standing, sex, talent, IQ or bank balance and it knows where you live.
Knock, Knock…
For many of us, self doubt comes knocking on our door every day. Sometimes it will give an apologetic, sorry-to-bother-you kind of tap, and on other occasions it will almost smash the door down with it’s incessant and violent banging. More often than not, it will arrive disguised as something much more noble like concern, logic or reason but in reality, it’s none of those things. It’s just fear in a different outfit. Self-doubt with a little make-up and a pretty dress. Don’t be fooled; she’s a bitch and despite the charade, she doesn’t care about you at all.
Fear by Another Name
That’s all self doubt is by the way; one of the many faces of fear. Fear of failure, fear of rejection, fear of public humiliation, fear of getting uncomfortable, fear of the unknown, fear of poverty, fear of isolation and even fear of success. Like all forms of fear, self-doubt is essentially self-created and perpetuated because it can only exist in our head. In order for it to survive, we must give it a place to live. And we do.
In the pursuit of our best life, our challenge is not to overcome self-doubt but rather, to manage it. To recognise it for what it is (a form of fear), to feel it, acknowledge it and then do what we need to do (to reach our goals), DESPITE it.
“Recognising, feeling and acknowledging self-doubt, does not mean being controlled or determined by it.”
The Human Experience
Of course, over time we will find a way to turn down the volume (of the banging on the door), but a life totally devoid of self-doubt is an unrealistic goal. People who succeed (no matter what the endeavour) invariably find a way to do what they need to do, despite their self-doubt. They are aware of it and they are challenged by it, but they are not controlled or determined by it. Self doubt is universal and it is an unavoidable part of the human experience. For life. None of us are exempt. If you doubt yourself often, don’t feel weak or flawed, feel human. Feel alive. Feel normal. If self-doubt is a sign of weakness then I’m a big pussy.
The questions we should ask ourselves in relation to this chat are not:
“Do I ever experience self-doubt?”
But rather:
1. “What impact do I allow self-doubt to have on my decisions, behaviours and results?”
and…
2. “Do I manage it, or does it manage me?”
If you came here today looking for a solution, then walk to the bathroom and look in the mirror; there’s your solution. Even if you don’t know it or feel like it, let me tell you that no book, blog, idea, program, CD, DVD or guru will change you. No, that’s your job. Those resources (that’s all they are) can stimulate, inspire, educate, challenge, provoke and encourage you, but only you can change your current reality and only you can build your best life. That’s why this website is not a solution but rather a humble resource.
Do what you need to and stop looking for the magic pill.
Group Hug xx
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Happy Birthday to you Craig. Today is also my closest friends birthday. Must be something about fantastic people being born on this day! Reminds me to ring her and tell her how much I love and appreciate her (and have for the last 25yrs!)
Thanks Craig!
Have a fan-freakin-tastic day!
Thanks Nell and you’re welcome
Thanks Kelly NH and happy birthday to your friend…
Totally irrelevent to today’s topic, but Craig how do you manage your time? I see you are replying to people 3:26pm, again at 9:46pm and again at 5:55am. Despite my self doubt (which occurs daily but I plough through it anyway) I went forward and started a new business. Things are going well 3 weeks into the business – although each day my self doubt wonders if I’ve made the right decision. Time management is the hardest. I continue to schedule some exercise but my nutrition intake has slipped because I forget to eat then get so hungry grab the nearest takeaway, or worse.
Hmmmm (big sigh)…..my first time here Craig but I’ve been ‘lurking’ since you started this blog, been to the wonderful RYL weekend and, like so many others who have commented on this subject, I think you must’ve been in my head yesterday. How is it you always show up here when I need it the most?
I have managed to keep my ’self-doubting demons’ under control but there are always days when I wonder if I’m doing the right thing, taking the right direction, is it too late for me to be starting this new business? But I push myself along and then somewhere along the way, something will happen (a small success, a new client) and I get all excited and focussed again.
For me the self-doubt, the bottom line, behind all the “am I good enough”, “experienced enough”, “can I deliver what I think I can”, is really about being in a secure financial position. The doubt talk starts with those thoughts and accumulates to “dammit, it would be easier if I just went out and got a ‘normal’ job, then I could afford my own home to live in. But I know I’d hate it. I have to be able to take care of myself, as I’m it….no-one to do it for me. Sure I have a wonderful family who wouldn’t see me on the street, but I’m kinda independant and don’t like to bother others, I like to be responsible for myself.
I recognise the days I had like yesterday, and when I wake up on a new day I start with a smile and some positive self-talk. I know I can….I know I can…..keep trying…..it might be just one more big effort on my part and all my dreams for my business, for my life, will be realised.
I know I’m really very rich, with wonderful family and great supporting friends, good health and I have much to be very grateful for every day.
Have a fantastic birthday Craig, do something really special (or not)on your own special day.
Thanks Craig,
I didn’t even realise self-doubt was one of the things I’ve been struggling with til I read the first paragraph of todays post! Off to find a mirror now…
Hi Nat, the reason I can reply to comments all times of the day is my (main) office is at home so I often stroll by the computer, see a comment and reply… weekends are easier for me to comment because I’m not caught up in the ‘work week’..
Hi Jan from Adelaide – thanks for becoming an ex-lurker. See, that didn’t hurt, did it? Enjoy your day and lurk no more!
Cheers Mel
First Very Very Happy Birthday Craig you have given the gifts in discussing things that have been things I have thought out.
Kate, thanks also if you read this, a good night’s sleep always brings perspective. I feel these people are as fine as they are, but I have different values and boundaries (or lack of them) and often self doubt creeps in that at 44 in terms of meeting good people this is it.
I did not post because I want some one but rather put up one example of what I am in doubt about. Yet, I have no self doubt regarding my academic career, I can do reports and essays. So I guess it is the topic. I have to think, yes overthink
, the boundaries of my current friendships as I feel the way they view the world and act is alien to me. That does not mean all of them are toxic. Rather, I am still unsure and in doubt about why my particular friendships and relationships seem to be a mess.
Yet having written all that I have no doubt this issue is becoming clearer so again thanks Kate, Craig and others.
self daubt is my best friend, that was untill a week ago when i started doing what i wanted to do but was scared to.
the makeup i had sitting around for ages but to scared to use because i might do it wrong is now getting used. the voice is still there telling me not to but another voice has spoken really loud saying well if its wrong we can figure it out and wear it properly.
The toothbrush is now being used because self doubt lost another battle. Craig, if you hold my hand Im sure i can win other battles.
Cheers Michael
I’m holding out my hand to you Gail. x
Michael – I must admit, when I hear (read) you saying things like “at 44 in terms of meeting good people this is it”, I want to come up there and slap you. Yes, you might be 44 and life may not have turned out quite as you’d hoped. But you’re ONLY 44! What if I told you that you had AT LEAST another 44 years to go in this life? Would you want to live those next 44 years the same as you are right now? Or would you want to do things differently. Take your power back. Look forward. See the possibilities.
What I’m learning right now is:- if you’re living true to you and allowing yourself to experience a rich, full life, it doesn’t really matter if you have a partner or not. Sure, it would be lovely, but it’s not necessary. Besides, who is going to be attracted to me (or you) when all they can sense is how much I (or you) NEED them to make me (you) happy? I don’t find that kind of hope or pressure attractive coming from someone else, so why would I think someone would find it attractive coming from me??
A very dear friend of mine has recently told me to ask two very interesting questions with regards my meeting a potential partner – and Kate, this might interest you as well.
1. Why will this person want to be with me? I know the kinds of attributes that I want this person to have, but what have I got to offer him in return? Am I the best ME I can be? Happy and vibrant and living my life? Will this person meet me and say, “wow! I really want to be around this person”? I need to be READY to meet this person – not ready to make changes AFTER I meet him.
2. This person is looking for me RIGHT NOW! How will he find me? In other words, do I go to the kinds of places that the kind of person I want to meet will be at? And am I really living true to what I say I want in a partnership and ultimately, in my life??
Hope this helps a little. It has certainly given me a different perspective on things and as a result, I’m happy just making forward steps in my life, knowing that it will bring me good things – including contentment RIGHT NOW.
Sorry, Craig .. bit off-topic, I know. So spank me. Oh, sorry .. forgot .. it’s your birthday, not mine.
Hey Craig,
Wishing you are very Happy Bday! The best day ever (for you) the day you were born.
Have a good one.
Kate
Cheers Michael and … Haha Suz, get right in there wont you:) I think you should go and slap Michael anyway thanks for the tips!
However i dont have self doubt in this area and my issue is not meeting someone.. (plenty to choose from here)… _ it is more that I am NOT that willing to sacrafice any of my time for them (selfish arent I) are they really on my trip…so obsviouly no one that outstanding … in regards to your points I have the attributes .. apparently I am threatening (because im no princess) I ONLY go where I would want to find them.. and to be perfectly honest I dont have a spare second (I found my trip late in life) and I would prefer to do RPM than waste time on a man! That is my truth for now… but we are ever changing;)
Happy Birthday Craig. Hope your days are filled with lots of love, laughter and great friends.
Cheers,
Asma
Hey, big pussy … endeavour has a “u” in it … third line under “The Human Experience”. Don’t go turning all yankee on us, now! And you’re welcome .. invoice is in the mail.
Kate – you realise there will come a day that you’ll meet someone that you’re completely into and you will become one of those soppy, doe-eyed women that you laugh at now. And when you do (which will be a lovely thing from behind those doe eyes, I might add!), people like me will be here to remind you of what you said now .. he he.
Anyone tries to slap me and they get it back 100 times so hands off.
I never said I was needy for a partner. All I said was I had self doubt that I would meet partners/friends who are not what I want them to be, but rather ones that actually do care about my feelings and boundries.
As Craig mentioned in other blog postings and I totally agree, others are not here to pander to me or be what I want them to be. But this lot, you stand up for yourself and your boundaries and you get called over sensitive, snobby, and they respond by cutting off all online and offline conversations with you.
So my point was I had self doubt that I would meet newer better people, that’s all, not I need a person to complete me, though I was horrified by one school of thought that some of us our soul mate or whatever is probably dead and not ready to meet in this lifetime. With statements like that no wonder people give up.
“his person is looking for me RIGHT NOW! How will he find me? In other words, do I go to the kinds of places that the kind of person I want to meet will be at? And am I really living true to what I say I want in a partnership and ultimately, in my life??”
Yep you hit the nail on the head I am not going to the places that kind of person I want to meet but remember I am part of a minority group – well gay – and that community has more toxicity and backstabbing then you would care to mention, so at the moment I doubt someone is looking for me.
*flys to Vila to avoid being slapped by K & S
HAHA and so will you Suza, I will be laughing hysterically then.. I think many will be:) go kick some more a$%#! girl!
mmm Michael .. I know sit next to a guy in the minority group very nice, and I think he might be single.. but as this is not a dating site but more a motivational site..
I will give you back your faith… i believe in soul mates/twin flame… I just think some people didnt bother to find their soul/flame first – so settled for the surface, you my friend havent done this so I am sure you will or they will find you!
Cheers Kate
(Kate is now off and running before she gets told off) before someone reconig
What’s with this soulmate stuff?? If we all wasted our time waiting for a soulmate, that perfect person, the human race would have been extinct ages ago. Which probably wouldn’t have been such a bad idea considering we are the least deserving species on earth. I’d be happy with someone who is happy too. That’s enough. They don’t have to be ‘the right person’. Just someone who tells the odd fart joke. I don’t need to have someone who gives me an adrenaline rush in my panties everytime they walk in the room. You can’t live at that intense level 24/7 cause you would die. There’s too much stuff to be done here on earth to waste it with constant diddling.
Ahhh thanks Kate. But please i’m not after a date/soul mate/twin flame. If he/she (I am not getting kinky here) them, whoever, it is not important. All I thought was I had doubts after my best friend/s let me down recently. If she/he/them are after me I’ll welcome them but I am not snapping my fingers in so much need of them to arrive. Rather it was I just got disappointed about what happened on Saturday night and got doubts I was ever going to have nice people in my life. And I mean nice not perfect.
So to keep the blog on track, before I had a chat this afternoon with a couple of guys both straight and not so, they kept referencing back to being one’s self. So in that, I need to simply question the doubt that I should have good people in my life. I know this is not the forum to work out my issues on postings. But my point is, I had so much self doubt last night about relationships and friendships but after talking to others and reading you kind people’s words, I’m very happy because a website like Craig’s as he claims won’t fix it – but it sure has made me think differently this afternoon about my doubts.
BTW you can slap me Kate
it’s all good.
No, no, Michael .. I never said you were needy for a partner either. But you’ve talked on several occasions about meeting new friends and possibly a partner that I thought I’d share MY recent learnings with you.
Soul mates? Not sure. Don’t even wanna buy into it. But compatibility with a partner? Yeah, I definitely believe in that! What I do know though is that it’s important to keep a positive state of mind .. looking for the good .. in the world and in people. Because if I look for the negative in this not-so-perfect world .. or in never-perfect-people .. or in definitely-not-perfect-me .. then that’s exactly what I will find. And I choose not to go searching for that – even inadvertently. Share my philosophy or not .. it’s entirely up to you.
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