Hello Groovers
Hope you’re all well and annoying the crap out of the naysayers, whingers, whiners, sooks and energy vampires in your world with your incredible attitude, your can-do mindset, your infectious energy and your commitment to excellence… and fun.
Of course, excellence without fun isn’t excellence at all; it’s obsession.
Pretty as a Pitcher Partner
So it’s been a pretty big day for me travelling down (and back) to the beautiful coastal resort of Lorne (here in Victoria) to present to the fantastic team from Pitcher Partners. I spent the whole morning with them and we had a great time exploring success principles and being the change in our world. Nice people and a great company. Thankyou Pitcher Partner People. The net result of today’s busy-ness is no follow-up post from yesterday’s “Who am I” instalment. It will be along soon. Ish. “Just now” as my South African friend says. Which means some time between now and Christmas.
Thank goodness for Sandra
Fortunately, one of our readers (the very lovely Sandra from Virginia in the U.S.) has made a great suggestion for a potential group discussion in the interim and being as her idea makes complete sense, I thought why should I exhaust myself coming up with a meaningful and relevant chat concept when Sandra has done if for me already. I knew there would be an upside to having readers who are smarter than me. Now I know.
A Dumb Theory
Yesterday we spoke of the obsession our society has for assessing people based on things like (1) what we own (2) what we look like (3) what we do (our career) and (4) where we live. Evidence of this mindset can be seen in any social setting where people are connecting for the first time. “So what do you do… where do you live….?” The inference being that by knowing where someone lives and what they “do” then we are discovering who they are. Which is about the dumbest theory ever.
New Questions
But as Sandra suggests, perhaps we could move away from those traditional questions and commit to asking better ones in such situations; ones that don’t pigeon-hole people based on which particular boxes they tick. Perhaps as a group we can come up with some questions which could revolutionize the “getting to know you” process. Surely we can do better than “so what do you do?”
Can’t we?
This is no easy task so I am keen to hear your thoughts and read your new and improved “getting to know you” questions. I will send a Renovate Your Body DVD to the people who blow my socks (and Ugg Boots) off. It is winter in Melbourne remember.
Start getting creative. Click on the comment link to share your genius.
* I’ll be back with part two of “Who Am I” soon.
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{ 34 comments… read them below or add one }
I feel best with a starter like: What brings you here? or What’s your special interest? Not very imaginative, but I usually learn lots without treading on toes.
I think the “so what do you” question is fine – it’s automatically and unthinkingly leading with one’s job as the answer is the problem.
I work at a university and whenever the students ask me what I studied and majored in, I always reply that I’m still a student of the university of life and that I am still majoring in pondering – the varied responses to this can be quite interesting.
Cheers
Q1. Do you read Craighaper’s articles?
what better way to know anybody.. ?
did i just flatter you and blow your socks ? lol
on a serious note
1. whats your mission statement?
- very few people really know this about themselves. If somebody is so clear as to what he/she wants to do then he/she is very close to answering “Who I am”.
2. What do you wake up to?
- I feel there is a lot to say about people who wake up early and have a morning ritual.
- luv
Raji form India
How about instead of ‘what do you do?’ we could perhaps ask
“What do you LIKE to do?”
Not much difference for a whole new look at a person
KK
xoxo
‘Morning Craig –
I have been a “stay-at-home” mom for several years, so the ‘what do you do’ (meaning paid job) question doesn’t apply to me anymore.
I like to ask people:
what they do in their free time
what do they do for fun
have they been to the exhibit at X museum? If so, what did they like/dislike/think about….
if they have read any interesting books
- love your posts.
Have a great day!
Randomness is key!
I get insanely bored repeatedly asking the same old questions over and over again. (Especially after having been an ESL teacher!)
So, at the risk of seeming like a nut, I sometimes throw out:
1. If you were a superhero, what would your special power be? (Follow up question: why?)
*this one is especially good with blokes, who almost all seem to choose flying.
2. If you could eat only one thing for the rest of your life, what would it be?
*Not always the same as people's favourite food, I've found!
3. Or fine, if I must choose a closer to normal one: If you had a million (insert hopefully not too inflated currency here), what would you do first? (Or where would you go?)
I've tried others with mixed results, but these are usually well met with a minimal amount of shuffling away and worried stares. >.<
That, and I find people's reactions and responses are often a lot more telling of who they are than the usual 'so, what do you do?' blah.
/Lisa, Sweden
In no particular order:
- what is your passion in life … your favourite thing to do (and work doesn’t count!)?
- do you like to travel?
- if you could be anyone for a day, who would it be?
- what’s your favourite spot in xxx [insert metropolis where you're having this fascinating conversation]?
Cheers,
Kate
The following questions are those that I like to start a conversation with once I find out their name:
“So tell me waht is unique about you ?”
“So what do you do for fun ?”
“What are you passionate about ?”
Silvia
I think if you ask the following queston it would let you know a lot about the person and would lead to many more questions.
“What is the one thing in your life that you could not live without?”
Keep up the great work.
Live with Passion – Kimmy
Hello Craig, when you spoke to my team at Wollongong last year, you mentioned the “Five Love Languages” book.
Not really a “getting to know you question” (!), but I’m curious now having read the book. Which (love) language is yours?
Linda J
I went on a first date a couple of years ago. Had never met this guy before, so there was all the usual awkwardness. I asked the standard “so what do you do?”. He responded with “nope, that’s too easy – and too boring. Let’s play a game.” So we took it in turns to answer the following questions:
1. 3 things you’re good at
2. 3 things you’re bad at
3. 3 things you fear
4. your top 10 celebrity bonks
Turned out to be a great date – and quite enlightening!
I also like “what makes you feel like a kid on Xmas Eve?”.
But my favourite question is “why?”. Even if you start with a mundane question, if you ask “why” five times, you’ll get to the real reasons/thoughts/issues/etc.
Suz (Sydney)
PS. You must be feeling like a kid on Xmas Eve .. it’s almost RYL. And soon, you know, you’ll get to meet … US! Don’t know how you’re dealing with the thrill of it all
Hi all
Been reading for a long long time and decided this one is my entry point into leaving a comment.
My simple question is.
What have you been up to?
I find even if they say nothing much, very little, bugger all,been flat out (You know the idle chit chat answers, because some don’t believe you are actually interested in hearing the answers).
If you then ask.
Really?
The answer after this is really different because you have shown them you really are interested and they tend to then tell you everything they have actually been up to…
Raji – that first question was gold!
"
–> "Have you met Craig Harper? What did you think of him? Be honest
–> Have you been to his gym – the Harperdome?
"What and how do you intend to make a difference in our world? How is our world going to be better off with you in it?"
"What are your philanthropic goals?' [one of mine is to go to a third world country and help out the Medical teams]
"Paint a word picture of your amazing life. What can you do today, and each day thereafter, to create that?"
"What are your best qualities? What are your weaknesses?]"
"What is something that makes you cry?" [Not to be reserved only for chicks. This one for blokes too]
Jules (Melbourne)
So what are you?
Fast/Slow?
Consistent/inconsistent?
A Mountain climber?
A A rider or a boxer?
Aere you intense?
Are you passionate?
Are you loyal?
Are you a winger?
Are you/your ego?
Are you driven/or does it drive you?
Do you have a big heart or just a self seeker?
Do you have a sex drive? Is it high or low?
How much time do you give to XXX?
What are you willing to do to get it?
How ’bout “what have you done lately that you’re proud of?”
Hmm… everyone should have something to say in answer to that… and if they don’t… it’s time to find someone else to chat with…
Hi Craig!
So glad I could help out! Especially at a time when you’re super busy! And that suggestion certainly does NOT make me smarter, just a little fed up with the status quo. I don’t exactly (or even remotely!) fit their mold, and I’m FINE with that!
So, about those questions…
1. What three people do you most admire in the world, and why?
2. What three qualities do you most admire in yourself?
3. What three (yes, I do like the number three!) things do you most want to do in your lifetime?
4. Of all the places you’ve been, which is your favorite, and why?
5. What three places do you most want to visit in your lifetime, and why?
6. If you could make one significant and lasting change in the world, what would it be? (Think outside the box on this one! It needn’t be anything that is currently possible, although it can be.)
7. What are your three favorite books? (or authors? or genres?)
8. What’s the most fun you’ve ever had with your clothes on?
9. What three things do you most enjoy doing by yourself?
10. What three new things would you most like to learn in your lifetime?
The answers to these questions provide a window into what a person finds most important to them. It allows them to define themselves in terms of what they want out of life. I think that gives a clearer picture of who a person really is, and who they want to be.
Hope you all have a great day!
Sandra in Virginia, US
What do you do when you’re not doing ##whatever you’re doing right now##?
This one works in any situation. If you’re making conversation with someone you’ve met in a work setting it allows them to talk about other things.
If you’re chatting with one of the parent’s from your kids’ school it allows them to pick the topic.
If someone wants to talk about work, you give them the choice. Sure it may be boring as batsh*t to you, but the point of small talk is to become comfortable enought with someone to move onto more weighty topics.
Honestly, if one of the mothers at my daughter’s school opened our first conversation with ‘what are you passionate about?’ i would immediately think she was into network marketing.
DD
So far ‘Suz’s’ comment above has my vote!
My ideas:
I like to know what simple things make people happy/smile in their day to day life because its not everyday we get to have the best fun ever, waterskiing etc! for example, one of mine is great coffee! great relationships often involve sharing simple pleasures.
Another question Im very interested in (rather than what people DO) is what they WOULD DO if money, status, qualifications, fear of change or taking risks, reality… (whatever!) were out of the equation. I would be a pop star!
Steph xx
Thanks, Steph. And your question of what WOULD you do (without limitations) should really be something we ask ourselves, first and foremost! There might be some great goals and change come from that. (Eg. if you want to sing, start by getting PlayStation SingStar – it’s great fun!)
Sandra, your questions are great. Totally awesome in their awesomeness! How much would you learn about someone else (and even yourself) if you shared the answers to those questions?!!
It seems the questions that will share something deeper about someone will often require that person to first really think about their answer rather than simply just sprouting it off the top of their head – and that’s gotta be a good thing!
I think we may have some great conversation starters for RYL this weekend…..
Suz (Sydney)
Hi Craig,
Here goes … If you were given a five minute spot on tonights tv news bulleting, what would you like to share with/tell the world?
Tiffany (Adelaide)
LOVE this topic as one of my favourite past-times is figuring out what makes people tick and hence wanting to reeeeeaaaaallly get to know them.
Because most people will run for the hills if you start on the soul-gazing from the get go, and in a roundabout way ie. not 20 questions, i like to find out a person’s;
favourite place/s – because it reflects on how they like to spend their time
favourite person – because it reflects the personal qualities they value
favourite part of the day – usually gives you insight into someone’s attitude towards daily life aka ‘the mundane’ but not so for everyone!
Hmmmm, mine are pretty simple…
I ask “what do you love?” that’s the main one really, it leads you on to all sorts of things.
I like to know what peoples favourite colours and seasons are and about their families. Not a “what’s your marital status?” but actually an open one about family, almost all of us have someone in our family to talk about.
hmmm, yeah they’d be the starters, I’m a stay at home mum as well and have thrown out the usual questions long ago, in main because I was getting increasingly blank eyed when hearing some of the answers.
Have a lovely day all,
CJ
Hiya Craig,
I agree with DD, if anyone asked me some deep and meaningful question 3 seconds into our relationship I’d be bracing for the time share/mlm/my religion is better than yours spiel and willing my mobile phone to ring. Does that make me a cynic?
As for getting to know people, what is so wrong with “How are you?” or the Joey from friends version “How you doing?” It’s a great starting point and the way people answer it reveals a lot about their character.
When people ask me what I do I reply “As little as possible” because I thought it was fun until I read your blog today and now I feel irresponsible…
Hugs,
Jo
Where’s Michelle?
Why don’t we get back to basics, “how’s it hangin’” usually goes down well.
Have you ever stolen anything in your life, what, why, when and did you get caught? Also works well.
Would love to do a blogging workshop, will it be on the menu soon?
I am the reality in my life and I only have myself to blame for my reflection.
B alive
B in the moment
B true to you
i like to ask the question, “what it is you are really passionate about”. since asking this question i have had some amazing responses, some from people i have known a long time that i would never have imagined. and it gets you thinking about the same thing. WHAT ARE YOU REALLY PASSIONATE ABOUT
Nardia
In a group, I like to ask: Tell us something about you that no one would ever guess?
I get some really cool answers and then everyone chimes in – and the person who answers feels proud…the conversation just takes off from there.
Hi, Craig!
In life, not everybody is lucky enough to actually get paid to do what they love, so I think the old chestnut “So, what do you do?” should be replaced by, “If money wasn’t an issue and you were free to spend your time doing what you love most, what would that be?” See, in my case that’s singing and music. I do it for a hobby and get paid for it sometimes, and I suspect there are lots of people in the same boat. People, I find, are always most passionate about their hobbies!
Okay it’s confirmed; you’re all much smarter than me. Thanks for your input guys – fantastic.
Keep ‘em coming.
x
After introductions, of course, so they don’t think I’m trying to steal their money I would LIKE to ask the question “Do you have any photos in your wallet?” or for the techno-savi – “on your mobile”
People love to share photos of their kids, loved ones, pets, mountain bikes, whatever it may be! Pictures say a lot about a person and they don’t lie!
Mrs Anik
Okay, so my contribution may be a bit simple…such great questions from everyone here…really amazing!! Enjoyed them all – Sandra’s in particular.
Anyhow here goes my thoughts/suggestion/idea – why not take a que from our kids, who seem to actually skip the formal ‘getting to know you’ bit altogether and just get on with enjoying/being with each other anyway. They kind of have a ‘I’m here, you’re here, let’s have fun’ approach and seem to rely more on a type of ‘intuitive knowing’ about each other than anything else.
For example, a child can meet a new child (play centre/beach..wherever) and then minutes later happily report to their parent that ‘that’s my friend over there’. If you, the parent replies ‘Oh that’s nice, what’s his name?” the response is usually a quick shrug of the shoulders and then they get back to enjoying the company of their new friend. Often a half hour or so of happy ‘getting to know you’ play takes place, before the child eventually reports to you that “His name is James and he’s six.” The information till seems irrelevant to the child, but he tells you anyway. I love that kids are like that.
Anyhow that’s my thoughts – I just really admire the kids approach as it reflects such a genuine spontaneity, plus a real enjoyment and appreciation of others… okay, yes may not work that well in the adult world, but I still like it.
Oops, sorry didn’t actually write a new question. Well I guess I’d have to go with something like “Hiya, great day isn’t it?” or something to that effect…whatever comes to mind that may bring about a relaxed, shared moment..the getting to know bit you can come later (like the kids).
Cheers all,
Mon ( )
not a question but the answer to the question we all get asked “what work do you do?” i answer honestly ‘ as little as possible’. fortunately i am senmi retired so it’s true and i love my life !
Anonymous/Nardia asks what I ask: “What are you passionate about?” Funny thing is that I learned this question from my teenage daughter. She would ask boys that were interested in her this question. If they didn’t know or have a good response, she moved on! lol
Vickie
I think a sense of humour is vitaly important. I like to ask people whats your favorite Pez dispenser is? Mines Daffy Duck. Another brilliant post.