Excuse-ology; the Science of Excuse Making.

When it comes to excuses, I’ve heard them all.
And made up a few of my own too.

In fact, I am a fully-qualified Excuse-ologist.
Excuse-ology (the study of excuse making) is a fascinating but little-known science.
Okay, I developed it.
And graduated in it from the University of Harper.
I keep that qualification low-key and don’t put it on my business card for reasons which will become apparent.

In the course of my work, I have spent time with more excuse-makers than most and I have studied them closely.
They are a curious breed.
They are usually members of the ‘I’m-continually-not-doing-stuff-for-a-very-legitimate-sounding-reason’ fraternity.

If there’s a way to delay something, avoid responsibility or to ignore an important issue altogether, they’ll find it.
And while they typically like the sound of their own voice, they don’t want to be studied too closely.
Or contradicted.
Or questioned.

However, I have had little choice but to study them, as they have constantly made their way into my laboratory.

Interestingly, many of them have their own PhD.
In bullshit.
And numerous under-grad degrees in anger, delusion, blame, denial, pessimism and procrastination.

They are also often graduates of the “but you don’t understand my life” School of Self-Pity.

When they’re not speaking they can be hard to identify in a crowd… because outwardly they look like any regular member of the species; two arms, a couple of legs, a head and some hair.
Seemingly normal.

It’s only when they open their mouth that they identify themselves and bring themselves undone.
They have what’s known clinically as ‘excuse-itis’.
And colloquially as linguistic diarrhoea.

If you are unlucky enough to spend any length of time with individuals suffering from the condition (excuse-itis) you would be well advised to either (1) carry a shovel or (2) stand well back when conversing… lest you drown in the constant stream of crap that is most likely to come out of their mouth.

Unlike sufferers of other conditions, many people with excuse-itis won’t even acknowledge that they have it as they often also suffer from another interesting but lesser known social disease: head-up-my-own-butt-itis… (H.U.M.O.B).
HUMOB renders sufferers incapable of taking advice, direction or constructive feedback.

And is most prevalent amongst politicians.

Even though a very effective treatment (a topical cream to be rubbed on the head of patients) was developed in the late seventies, unfortunately it proved to make little impact as:
1) Most sufferers wouldn’t acknowledge that they needed treatment and
2) They always found an excuse to avoid using the medication.

The cream (Excusinator 4000) was subsequently withdrawn from the market in the early eighties and tragically, the condition continued to proliferate.

However, there has been some anecdotal evidence to suggest that Excusinator 4000 is still available today on the black market and numerous stories of frustrated wives smearing it on their excuse-making husbands as they sleep, abound.

Today excuse-itis is one of the largest threats and most debilitating conditions to not only global health, but humanity as a whole.

It affects:

Our health… “both my parents are big-boned also; it’s genetic..”… “It’s the healthiest thing I could find…”

Our fitness… “I’m pretty sure it’s a hamstring strain… I’ll need a few weeks off”

Friendships… “I would have helped you out but I honestly didn’t have the time..”

Families… “I would play with the kids but I think I’m still contagious ….”

Careers… “I would have been here on time but I got robbed in the car park..”

International relations… “They fired at us first…”

Well , there you have it; a quick overview of a very debilitating condition.

Excuse-itis…. it’s insidious, it’s rampant, it’s ruining lives an it may even be contagious, so be careful who you mix with.

And if by some chance you do contract it.. get yerself some of that black market Excusinator 4000 and apply liberally…

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