Empathy (noun): (1) The intellectual identification with, or vicarious experiencing of, the feelings, thoughts or attitudes of another. (2) Identification with and understanding of another’s situation, feelings, thoughts, attitudes, beliefs, motives and perspective.
Talking not Connecting
Have you ever wondered why certain people in your orbit simply don’t seem to connect with others? Or if they do (connect) it’s in a limited, one-dimensional, on-their-terms-only kind of arrangement. They are great communicators… as long as nobody challenges their ideas, thinking or beliefs and as long as they are the story. Good at talking, terrible at connecting, actively listening and understanding. They are about as intuitive, sensitive and aware as a sledgehammer. They are socially and emotionally unaware.
“But enough about me… what do you think about me?”
Just Eat a Burger
Then there’s another group who are not so self-obsessed or ego-driven but they just don’t ‘get’ other people. They don’t connect because they can’t relate to, or understand, any reality other than their own. They are completely unaware of others’ feelings, emotions and needs. Maybe somehow they missed out on the empathy gene. Or perhaps they don’t know how to use it. These people think that the solution for the girl with anorexia is to eat a hamburger and stop being silly. And for the guy with poor self-esteem to take up boxing, lose a few pounds and stop being a pussy. And for the girl suffering from depression to snap out of it and stop being so ungrateful for what she has.
And they wonder why they are socially repellant.
When the Theory Ain’t the Reality
And then there is a (small-ish) percentage of the theoretical experts – doctors, psychologists, trainers, dieticians, etc. - (that is the people who have the qualifications, title, technical understanding and academic background) who somehow manage to be ineffective, if not useless when it comes to the practical reality of working with normal, living, breathing, emotional, unpredictable, irrational beings like you and me. All too often they’re great with the text books, the stats and the research but not so good with… people. If life was a theory, they’d be incredible.
Want more connection?
Find more empathy. 
Let me know your thoughts on this interesting and broadly relevant subject. I know that for me as a coach, empathy is right near the top of my must-have list of desirable qualities. And yes, you girls are generally a little more evolved in this area than us well-intending but (often) emotionally stunted (don’t be silly just eat something) alpha-males. As someone who has employed hundreds of people over the years, I would much prefer to employ a person with great empathy and minimal qualifications, experience and skill than I would an academic genius with zero empathy. People don’t connect with qualifications or IQ points (thankfully), they connect with people. Phew. As you share your thoughts keep in mind that empathetic is not the same as sympathetic or even… pathetic. ;)
xx
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{ 26 comments… read them below or add one }
Craig, I’ve met some women that would eat their first born and sell granny down the road for cheap botox shot so I’ll be one stick up for the guys on this one. It’s not a lack of empathy, just perhaps a different thought process than us girls.They are just as vulnerable and unsure as us chicks(sometimes, sorry guys
) Just my opinion as a female coach, I don’t think that’s a bad thing at all.
Some things money can’t buy- love, fitness, empathy, happiness, more time when you really need it most , eight hours sleep every night, and most importantly, a sense of humour.
Craig, this is a kick up the backside for me.
My wife was feeling unwell on Saturday and spent the day in bed, I was looking after our three kids and doing stuff that I felt was right etc. It was pre-arranged that on Sunday I would go fishing with a friend for the day, I didn’t want to go as my wife was sick but she talked me into going……………..wrong move. I discovered on Sunday that I had not a clue about how to run a house, I didnt think of the laundry, Sweeping and cleaning. Let’s just say my fishing trip was short!!!!!
I need to think more about my wife’s feelings and about what happens in the house during the day.
Is it true that there is no magic fairy who does it all?
sorry girlsx
Agree 100% . . this explains exactly why I feel like some people are not listening to me . . when I’m talking to the ones lacking empathy . . thanks
Craig, I have a lot of empathy to the stage that if someone is crying i usually end up crying with them.
the worse thing is i find and have found to be used and abused by people who think i am stupid and something wrong with me cause i want to help and think i am being helpfull.
I got squandered out of a thousand dollars because Gail had to help and this woman who done this i even went to the hospital and helped her see her dead baby and held it along with her and boy didnt she pay me back.
Another person i lent a hundred dollars to and that is gone as well.
they physically and mentally drain me but i will still come back and help i only wish at times the empathy i have for others i could give to me.
Dont show me Lassie movies as they bring me to tears as well and i want to jump into the tele and bring the dog home.
My son is a prime example of someone lacking empathy, but that is a symptom of his Aspergers. Makes him extremely hard to live with. It has to be all him and his way. Makes life very difficult for his sister, as I tend to have to spend more time and energy with him than her and she misses out.
I doubt I can change him and he may improve with greater maturity, he will be 17 in January but emotionally he is a lot younger so maybe once his emotional age catches up with his chronological age (at around 25 I have been told) maybe it will be better…I live in hope
Have an awesome day
hugs
Chelle xxxx
Chelle,
I think most people who don’t live with a child who has Asperger’s wouldn’t dream it’s such a challenge.
I had a “highly sensitive” child. When he was little, I did some research on Asperger’s because the checklist for it all matched his behavior. When he was tested, he was found not to have it.
Over the years, his symptoms have sort of leveled off or gone away. But those were some wild times!
You’re always a positive force on here despite all you deal with every day, so I just want to give you a big hug. You’re very special
(You are too, Craig.)
There is no truth in words.
Why listen?
Having empathy is a heart-level reaction to a person or life circumstance. Empathy happens when we are present in the moment and can see past the me thing. Because of personal experiences maybe we are better able to relate to the emotion or experiences of another… in essence, we are able to relive or connect with another person because we have a grander understanding in an experientially way. In my humble option, having empathy is a god-like attribute. Not making us God… but making us act like He would. Reaching out, extending a listening hear, offering encouragement… It feels, at least, like a safer world, when we feel that someone understands… Empathy is like having someone reach out and take our hand, just when we need it the most…
Hi Craig,
Very interesting post.
I think perhaps I belong to the second group but it’s certainly not because I don’t care about others, I’ve just had limited exposure to the broad range of human experiences.
I have (touch wood) never lost a child or a friend, had a seriously ill parent, endured financial hardship as an adult or had to cope with a disaster. There have been other challenges to overcome but nothing insurmountable.
However, just because I can’t say ‘I know how you feel’, doesn’t mean that I can’t connect with people, does it? Surely it’s just as valuable to say ‘What can I do to help?’. And to mean it. And to actually do it.
I would also never condescend to say ‘Why don’t you just …?’
Is it essential to truly understand other people’s pain to be able to recognise it, acknowledge it and support them through it? I don’t ‘get’ alcoholism but I know it’s real and I know it hurts.
Empathy is clearly a wonderful thing to have but I think that genuine compassion is just as important.
Christina xxx
Gosh Craig. Which psychologists are you speaking to? I used to have such high empathy (similarly to Gail, could end up ‘wearing’ someone else’s pain) that I couldn’t do very much one-on-one counselling. I’ve since learned to protect myself from myself and can now use my high empathy to help people, often getting to the cause of a problem very quickly to help someone heal themselves. And I have qualifications and lots of books although I absolutely agree that they don’t always mean someone will be effective.
For those people not ‘born with’ high empathy, it can sometimes be useful just to think about ‘putting yourself in the other person’s shoes’ and consider how you would like to be treated under the same circumstances.
For those people raising children with Asperger’s, my heart goes out to you as I know that can be a great challenge. There is some evidence that neutraceuticals may help – perhaps you may find support from a naturopath who specialises in treating children?
I’m not a religious person (more spiritual) but surely this is a good time of year to have increased consideration of others. After alll empathy as a level of understanding is all well and good, but acting appropriately on that empathy is even more valuable.
Take care of each other. xx
I read a really interesting article once on one way that the level of empathy a person has can be shaped in childhood (that would be the nurture part- I think there’s also a ‘nature’ part that could play a role). If a child’s needs are not met in many ways, or the caretakers do not really show the child how others feel and exist and acknowledge the child’s feelings, “anempathy” can be created…in children who do not have other medical issues.
Oh, and one thing I found also interesting- one article I read suggested that if you mimic the facial expression of another person, you gain massive insight into how they are feeling at that moment, and people can improve their empathetic skills through that exercise. I think there is also a man who has a program for improving empathy- it mentioned it in that article- based on research.
Empathy, something that comes easier the older we get and the more life experience we have. It is definitely not something we learn from a 2000 word uni assignment.
As a nurse I certainly have empathy for patients; but it took a 10 day stint in isolation thanks to Typhoid and my rafting adventure down the Alas River in Sumatra. Fun times (before the hospital admission) but I learnt a lot from a professional perspective.
Very interesting article Craig – yes, I don’t think Empathy101 is taught in many academic courses, even those relating to helping/healing others. At least not some of the mainstream ones.
Funny how tho’ a lot of us have trust in those so called experts, simply because of those academic qualifications alone. Now, don’t get me wrong…..of course doctors and other professionals are the right people to treat you if you’re sick…however, empathy itself I believe kind of has a ‘healing quality’ all on it’s own. So, I guess what I’m thinking is ……as it’s something we don’t need a quallication in, then….don’t hold back in giving away your empathy, just because you may be erroneously believing that you are not qualified to help.
Take weight loss for example…..a lot of teaching and sharing can be done, by those who have travellled the road themselves, if they choose to activate some empathy toward those still on their own journeyi.
I think the same goes for a lot of other ‘roads’ we travel…..anyhow, thanks for reminding us that we all have the potential to heal and help others and that we don’t need a qualification for that!
Gail, you’re such a good person…..I hope too, that you can begin to share some empathy with yourself. You sound like you’ve travelled down some bumpy roads in the past. Take care…..keep giving and feel good about you, too. You have a good heart!!
Cheers all – have a great day,
Mon
Hi Craig,
I believe I connect so much to your posts because you are so empathetic. You write from the other side, the person’s struggle with themself not only looking at their problem. I am very empathetic which I believe attaches or attracts so many people. In a way its good to be there but sometimes this can actually leave YOUR energy tank empty.
Empathy assists with a person’s healing, empathy gives one hope and support to cope,empathy helps the struggle to feel a bit easier.
I was in a situation which I believe needed a lot of empathy but my husband could not see it. Even till today three years later, I still believe if my husband had shown some empathy my road of struggle wouldn’t have seemed so hard or lonely.
All his family are not empathetic so maybe having empathy is something we are taught and shown by our parents (who have it) or have experienced in our life as we grow.
To be empathetic is to be gifted because I believe it is the connection to people.
WOW, that is refreshing that someone still places value on this, I am not sure if being empathetic is in your makeup or it is just because we have very big hearst but I do know not everyone has it.. I also know NOT everyone is good.
I can think of so many people in the workforce who only ever make a move or consider another person because it suits there agenda/strategy and they honestly only ‘use’ people. I mean there is using and outright using and self obsession and then well I wont even go into the politics in the fitness industry that I have experienced.. I mean seriously we are dealing with a life and death matter, or from there perspective a class you get $45 for and the will almost kill anyone to have it there way.. and well if you arent good looking well it just must be even harder….
Now the fitness industry which was intially the industry I felt the most love for and from I couldnt believe what I saw.. I am not blamming an industry but more just an observation of people… Anyway ALL very empathetic even the A graders in my familiy would do anything for each other.,.. I am also so every grateful for the handful of people who I know care… love me honestly, the team that I am part of that is empathetic and may make a little differnce… of couse we all have to deal with the self obsessed, superficial, obsessive plastic surgery acquantances but at least I know who MY real friends are and those in the industry that really do want make changes.. as not only do I work alongside some of them I KNOW what they meant to me in my darkeset hours.
Having empathy wiil always be a special gift. However as I have learned thru out my life, many view it as a weakness. Users and liers will take advantage of you. It can lead to abuse. I have very tender feelings for all living things. It rips at my heart when I’m unable to help those in need, in someway. The reward of knowing you helped or cared, Doing the right thing and hoping it gets played forward is enough to make you feel worthly,thankful. I have had to learn to control showing my empathy. Some people are so brain dead in relating. I just feel sorry for them. They don’t deserve anything but a good ole ass kicking. It would’nt change em, but it could keep them away. I can’t stand it when you care and you want to help and you hear. Why are you doing that. Its not like your getting anything for it. COLD. When life is all about them. Keep your empathy in check.
Hi Craig
Good topic! Empathy means different things to different people.
You can be both empathetic and blunt. Sometimes people need “tough love”. Others that appear tough just need some-one to not look down on them and have some faith in their ability.
Having spent time working in a supposedly “caring and sharing” tertiary environment a couple of years ago ,I have never seen so so much racial,sexist and religious prejudice, bullying ,hostility and jealousy. Apparently they just have healthy egos!
I try my very best not to be judgemental, which isn’t always that easy, and believe that emotional intelligence can’t be learnt from a text book which is unfortunate for some of our health care professionals..
Anon,
I can truly feel the pain in your statement “there is no truth in words, why listen”. Unfotunately the egotiscical side of human nature does a lot of damage to one another and therefore we reach a point of not believing or trusting anyone. The greatest sadness within this is if we reach a point where we no longer believe or trust ourselves. I want to encourage you to take time to listen to yourself – your gut. Concentrate on your value, try and look at yourself in the mirror through eyes of love (for self) and not through the eyes of the people who have lied to you and let you down. For me this was not an easy process. It is a bit like listening to the radio which is out of tune. Take time to reset the dial and tune into you – find your peace, find your passion and above all find love for yourself – now that is something that will be worth listening to. Even now when you think no can hear your cry, know that there are many reading your words acknowledging your pain and rooting for your success.
Cheryl
Empathy – what’s that to most in the world.
Being a vet, and self employed I have to comment on the calabre of students that come through the system. The number 1 thing I look for in an employee, is someone that has good social skills, that can empathise with clients and that often have a customer service background, because all these courses that require highly intelligent people that can get good marks, are often not the ones that can communicate and “connect” with the client. And that is what keeps clients coming back – not what marks they got at uni!
I have to say I have also found this so in my own search for a great doctor or other health professional in particular, because I couldn’t conceive the idea of seeing a doctor that I didn’t feel I connected with. Empathy and understanding are important for anyone to have, but particularly for those in professions that deal with highly emotive situations.
You are a kind person, Cheryl.
HUGS!
Yeah, what Nat said!
Hmmmm…..I have mild Aspergers. And I sometimes ‘seem’ a little off the planet and as if I haven’t connected, when in fact I have. I’ve heard, and often it has registered. I even feel the pain. My expressions don’t always belie what I’m thinking. It isn’t that I can’t feel it, I just can’t or don’t express it. Often times, at work, this is because I am thinking of a problem I’m trying to solve, and since I am being paid good money to solve these problems, I figure I’m more valuable doing this than in socialising with the girls. So I don’t understand why you’d prefer to employ someone who is, basically, good at socialising…..less room around your water fountain and more money down the drain, if you ask me. But maybe I don’t have enough empathy.
I was born in Soviet Union, went to University majored in Quantum Mechanics Physics, lived a normal life, was very empathetic individual, all of that changed when I immigrated to Israel, I was drafted to the armed forces, I love serving in Israeli army, me being a Jew, I feel as Israel is the only place we got, but at the same time Arabs changed my views, after seeing what they wore doing, putting explosives in buses in Tel_-Aviv, Jerusalem, Haifa. throwing rocks at our soldiers, me shooting rubber bullets at them, I lost all my empathy, but I am trying to regain it.
I have searched your site for an answer to my question….
Can empathic touch really heal unnecessary energy and unblock emotions from trauma?
I have held onto for over 20 years some emotional issues. I have recently found the talking exercise helpful, but as I am generally a good communicator, it has really been just a mental exercise for me…… although I think I have nearly sent the listener mental as well.
Backtrack to my early 20′s – when I refused to verbally speak to a trauma counselor, as I clutched by legs held tight to my chest up on the hospital bed – she said to me on my journey, although not ready now, I will release my trauma via emotions and touch when I am ready.
How does the person I meet know it’s my time, and not feel uncomfortable with such an experience? I know they will be trustworthy, will ensure there is no tension, will encourage me to bring to the surface difficult information, and will provide a safe environment I will be challenged to problem solve myself.
Fi