I recently started to answer some of your questions in the form of daily posts. The concept has proven to be very well received, so I thought I’d keep the ball rolling as long as there’s interest. Here’s another question from one of our class; Lauren. Lauren’s letter is in blue and my thoughts are in black. It’s long, you may wanna get comfortable.
Hi CraigYep, that’s a biggie. Something we all have to deal with on our journey, but none of us are ‘trained’ for. When it comes to the reality of grief, everybody is unprepared – especially the first time we deal with something monumental and life-changing, like you have. The fact that you may feel lost, desperate and even out of control at times, puts you in the ‘normal’ group. The theory of dealing with grief and the reality of it are completely different things; one’s mostly cerebral, the other, mostly emotional.3 months ago I lost my aunty to ovarian cancer after only an 11 month battle with the disease. Sorry to hear that – Craig hug for you. She was my best friend and like a mother to me and my 2 little children. While grief is both an interesting and painful part of the human experience, it can also be something that teaches us, changes us and shapes us. But… when it comes to the practical reality of dealing with it (where you are right now), we sometimes find that all the theory (of how we should process, manage and deal with our grief), is of little or no value because we’re in a completely emotional place and we don’t have any inclination to be strategic, logical or practical about what’s happening, or has happened, in our world. For a while anyway. The good news is that you are doing something Lauren; you’re being proactive, you’re making contact with me, you’re sharing your thoughts and feelings, you’re communicating in a constructive manner and you’re seeking to move into a more positive place. All good things. Well done.
My name is Lauren, Hi Lauren I’m a daily reader of your website okay, I like you then and was hoping you could help with something. I’ll give it a shot. GRIEF – how to keep moving on with life when some of the most important things and people are taken away?
11 months may seem like a long time but it feels like by the time she was diagnosed we never had any time to deal with it and then she was suddenly gone. Over that 11 months I also dealt with verbal and emotional abuse from my husband, his alcohol problem, the breakdown of my marriage, I became a single mum and lost my home, severe endometriosis, blah blah – shit happens? Suck it up princess? Wow! THAT… is er, considerable. I don’t blame you for feeling like crap!
I’m trying, I’m trying very hard (and I’m only 27, this shouldn’t be happening!!) Do your best to get out of the “this shouldn’t be happening” mindset; it has and it is (happening). By going there (that headspace) you can find yourself heading down the self-pity road and, even though it’s understandable to feel that way, it’s not a direction you wanna take.
Over the same 11months I’ve also become a better parent, YAY… started personal training (with Darrell Spencer – I know you know him!!), a good move…. If there’s anyone who can teach you about dealing with grief, it’s Darrell.
*Note: I posted an article in 2007 about Darrell Spencer dealing with the tragic loss of his beautiful wife Gill. It’s definitely worth a read. You can take a look… here.
at my perfect weight, well done…. finally in a great financial position and scored the job of my dreams!!! Not that life is about money or career, but they are great achievements and something to be quietly proud of. Sometimes – even when we’re struggling – we need to consciously ‘find the good’ in our world, lest we become morose and a captive of our negative emotions. If you struggle to be ‘up’ for you, focus on your kids. Be their inspiration and strength.
BUT every night I still cry myself to sleep because I so desperately want my aunty back and don’t know how to live my life without her in it. You are living it, you’re just not enjoying it. Lauren, your Aunty sounds like she was an amazing person and while she has left your physical, three-dimensional world, her influence on your life, the lessons she taught you, the experiences you two shared, the conversations you had together and the imprint she has left on your heart is eternal. In many ways, she hasn’t gone anywhere.
I was hoping you may have some thoughts on this issue especially at a time when so many people are suffering with loss and grief.
A Story
A little over a decade ago, I went through a similar experience to what you’re going through now. One of my trainers (and best friends) died in his early twenties. He had no pre-existing medical condition and his tragic death was a total surprise to everyone in his world. He was my first ever employee and we were great mates who spent a great deal of time together. Every day we ate breakfast, lunch and occasionally, dinner together. We worked side by side on the gym floor and he was my right-hand man. One day I received a phone call telling me that he was in hospital, specifically, in the Intensive Care Unit in a coma. He died a few days later.
What To Do?f course there are recommendations, guidelines and numerous resources, but at the end of the day, it still comes down to what will work for the individual. However, I do believe an important part of the grieving process is that we consciously choose to celebrate that person’s life, rather than mourn their death.
At the time of Matty’s death, I had eight employees, several hundred clients and a business that operated about ninety hours per week. I didn’t really know what to do. I had no real experience at grieving and it wasn’t one of my ‘life skills’. Should I close the gym for a day, a week, or not at all? I was numb, confused and of course, sad. The day of the funeral, my staff and I turned up to work as usual, trained our clients for a few hours and then shut the doors for a half day. An hour later I was carrying my friends coffin, speaking at his funeral and just trying to get through it all. I was on auto-pilot and it was a surreal experience for me. A few hours later, my staff and I were back at the gym doing our best to inspire our clients. Of course we didn’t really feel inspired. At all. But at that time, in that situation, I wanted to be distracted, so did my staff, so we chose to work. I wanted my attention to be somewhere other than the reality of the day. I did what I needed to do to get through that moment. And the following weeks and months. It’s been fourteen years this year and I still think of him often and still miss him. I still remember specific conversations and even as I write this sentence I can still feel the very real emotion.
No Universal Solution
That experience taught me that there is no single or ‘best’ way to deal with grief. And for the most part (with one or two exceptions), there is no right or wrong – only different ways. For some people, talking about that person only brings about more pain, while for others it’s healing. O
What Worked for Mehile grief can be triggered by certain situations and events, it can only be maintained by us.
While I did many things along the road to healing from Matty’s death, two key things proved to be valuable for me… The first thing was to talk about him often, and not in a morbid way, but in a positive and fun way; it helped me a lot. And the second is less conventional but proved to be very meaningful and valuable for me – I had a piece of jewellery made called a slave bracelet, on it are Matty’s and my initials. It has no clasp (to take it on and off) and is screwed onto the wrist by the jeweller when you pick it up. It has been on my wrist for thirteen years and has never been off once. Those who know me well, know that I am not a jewellery guy at all; I own zero jewellery other than my Matty bracelet. I wear it because it reminds me of him, it’s meaningful to me and it provides me with a level of comfort – not sure why, just does. See Lauren… there’s no universal grieving formula.
Letting Go
I arrived at a point where I chose to let go of my grief. And no, I didn’t let go of my friend or his memory, but I let go of the emotional pain. While it was a symbolic ‘letting go’, in many ways it was completely real and transformational because the moment I made that conscious decision to let go of the hurt, things improved dramatically for me. I still had the great memories but without the same level of pain. In fact, the pain was gradually replaced with joy. Keep in mind Lauren that w
Not sure if that was at all helpful Lauren, but I hope so.
Thanks, Lozz
You’re welcome x
Love to hear you thoughts and possibly a (brief) story or two. If you’re not sure how to leave a comment, click here.
Love this article? Sign up for my FREE Email Newsletter today to receive more articles like this, and my FREE Ebook!
Post Footer automatically generated by Add Post Footer Plugin for wordpress.
{ 43 comments… read them below or add one }
Hello Lauren,
I know what you’re going through. I lost my grandfather in 2007.I was very close to him since my childhood…it was unbearable agony in the beginning.
What I did later was what Craig calls letting go, though in a way that’s a bit different from Craig’s. Thinking of him made me so sad and made me cry so hard that I consciously chose not to think of him. To this day, I actually seldom reminisce…might sound a little weird..but still if I mention to someone what an amazing person he was, it fills my eyes with tears.
You’re a brave woman, Lauren, given what yo’ve gone through..remember, you’ll emerge even stronger from this experience. If you’re a believer I’d tell you, God has given all this to you because you’re strong enough to handle them.
God bless.
-Samantha, NY
Tough question and one close to my heart. I nursed my mother from diagnosis to death (eight months in total) and four months in my father was killed in a workplace accident. Two parents, four months apart and 50% of my immediate family gone just like that.
There are no words to describe, explain or even ease our experiences. I focused on taking things one day at a time. I was also adament I wasn’t going to do the “but it’s not fair” or the “why me” because there was just no point. I would never find the answer I was looking for. Life is what it is whether we like it or not. We’re alive and living and we have to carry on no matter what the circumstances.
Although I’m only eight and four months into my grieving I was still able to find some positive life lessons even in my darkest of hours. Living’s hard, really hard. But nothing in life worth having ever came easy so why should this. It’s true you know, what doesn’t kill us only makes us stronger.
My deepest condolances Lauren.
Kindest regards,
Lia Halsall
http://www.liahalsall.com
Lauren – a hug to you. At age 29, I am yet to attend a funeral, let alone one of a close family member. I feel that time is very close. My Nanna in New Zealand isn’t well. I’m so scared. Scared of saying that final goodbye even though we all lost her about 10yrs ago when she had a big stroke. The last time I was in NZ was January 2000. Without sounding selfish, and totally weird, I am glad I haven’t seen her since then in a way. When I saw her then she was able to recognise me and say my name (just). That is so special and something I will cherish always. (I’m crying now – I don’t want to fly over the Tasman and say goodbye… and yet I really do want to). But thank you Lauren and Craig. You both make me feel less dysfunctional.
In my first year of my paramedic degree (2006), my anatomy and physiology lecturer arrived to teach us as she normally would. Only things weren’t normal. She had just lost her best friend to cancer. Like you Craig, with Matty, Leanne probably was seeking a distraction too. Part way through our class she couldn’t hold herself together and cried. I admired her courage for taking a few minutes to grieve her recent loss and then to continue teaching us. I think our whole class did. Why is it that at such a time no one seems to know ‘what to say’ to comfort someonone? It’s akward. Sometimes though, isn’t silence communicating something of its own?
If I choose to speak at my Nanna’s funeral (whenever that may be), I might just stand there for 2 minutes and cry… and make everyone who is not yet crying cry.
I shall temporarily refrain from off hand banter and extend my condolences to Lauren.
Grief counselling is a good way to discuss your feelings, you can be very candid with a stranger which sometimes isn’t easy to do with friends or family members who are so ‘involved’ in your life. Just a thought.
xxx
Craig,
Thank you very much for today’s post.
I have been a visitor to your site for a few weeks now, I’ve bought your book, booked into the RYL weekend and posted my commitment on the wall but today it was like that post was for me alone.
In October 2007 my 21 month old daughter died from a congenital heart defect. Every day of the last 17 months I have wondered how I am going to keep living without her.
I am a very pragmatic person and I understand that it happened, I had no control over the situation and no matter how much I wish it I can’t change this fact.
I have since separated from her father (a good thing) met a wonderful man who supports me through every day and recently made my decision that it was time to focus on making myself healthier and changing my lifetime bad habits.
I know that every day I have left in my life I will miss my baby girl but if there was one thing she taught me in her short, often painful life, it was to make the most of every moment and make the best life we can for ourselves.
I have been struggling in the last few weeks with feelings of guilt that I am feeling happy more often and thinking of her a little less often.
Your post today brought me a little closer to believing its okay for me to live my life to its fullest whilst (and to paraphrase you) cherishing the eternal imprint she has left on my heart.
Thank you Craig,
See you in May.
Sarah
Lauren, my deepest sympathies, very best wishes and warmest hugs are with you. Everything you have had to endure during recent times is heart-wrenching, however the way you’ve come through it, what you’ve achieved and your strength in reaching out is truly inspirational.
Everyone is right – grief is a very personal journey and there is no right or wrong. Just remember that every positive step you take and every goal you achieve, you are honouring not only yourself, but your beloved Aunty. I can imagine she would be thrilled to see you really grow, achieve, thrive and above all, be truly HAPPY. And who’s to say that she’s not with you every moment, watching over you and continuing to shine her love over you?
Warmest regards,
Suz (Sydney)
Hi Craig,
Hugs to both you and Lauren for your losses.
I have lost all my grandparents but it was my maternal grandmother that was the most difficult, maybe because she was the last of them or maybe it was because it was almost a month after I had had my son…the next generation of the family (he was the first)that she passed away. I have a couple of pics of her meeting him. My mum brought her up to my place and we had the cuddles and the pics…my mum looks at the pics and says that my grandmother’s hair wasn’t done and I see the special pic of my grandmother meeting her great grandson…so very special as I was so happy she met the first of the great grandchildren.
I have also had to deal with the grief of losing my first baby (at 18 weeks pregnant…long sad story there and was 17 years ago last December)I have dealt with it and am ok with it now.
Big hugs to everyone.
Chelle xxx
Hi Craig
Thanks so much for responding to my question. The weirdest thing was that I had been crying all night about Leanne and I thought I would check out your blog for some cheering up and motivation and there was my letter!!! so I then cried a lot more but instantly felt better and I now know i am on the right track. I am really looking forward to talking to you in person at the 2day RYL!!!
Thanks again and thanks to everyone for your nice comments.!!xoxoxox Lauren
thanks for the post, especially at this time Craig. My mum quietly left us three weeks ago. It is quiet in her head now – what she deserved.
Being so raw i am still numb ….. not sure what to think, feel or do. Just go through the motions and stick to routine to keep moving. Mum’s funeral was a celebration – a thanksgiving service. My brother and I delivered the eulogy – he wrote it so well! Surprisingly it was he who lost it, not me – the one who is usually so emotional. Mum was an amazing woman – she has set things up for the rest of us to try and match!
For me though …. no real tears yet. i do wonder though if some of the grieving happened over the past cople of years as the dementia took mum away piece by piece. time to be there for dad – he lost his best friend of 60 years! inspiration has come from mum though – to provide for my daughter all the experiences and opportunites she gave to me! In the last week in hospital, especially the last day, there was much reminiscing and laughing as we three kids thought back to what we got up to and what mum did for us.
Thanks again ….
Kazz
Thanks for sharing Samantha.. ( )
And a big hug for you Lia.
Thanks for sharing your story. You’re amazing.
((( )))
You’ll be fine when the time comes Jules… ( )
Nice addition grown-up Kitty
Hi Sarah – I am so sorry for your loss. I can’t even begin to imagine what that would be like. You deserve to be happy Sarah and don’t you DARE feel guilty about it. Moving on and healing doesn’t mean you’re letting go of your daughter (at all) – it simply means you’re not going to let grief ruin your life.
See you in May ( )
Nice Suz… ( )
Hugs Chelle ( )
You’re very welcome Lauren.
There’s lots of unconditional love coming your way…
xxx (some rare Craig kisses)
You’re very welcome Kazz and I’m so sorry to hear about your mum but your right; she’s at peace now. Take care…
( )
Hi Craig,
Lauren, I’m so sorry for your loss. Thank you for sharing your feelings with us. Thank you, also, to everyone else who has shared their experiences.
Like people, grief is very individual depending on the circumstances and our feelings. Sometimes death is tragic and we grieve for a life cut short. Sometimes death is a relief after months or years of pain. Sometimes death is a gift after a life of remarkable achievements and giving – Nancy Bird, for example.
Whatever the circumstances, we grieve because we are never going to see that person again (or at least for a very long time, depending on your belief system). So we grieve for their absence at our milestones. We know they won’t be there when we get married, or when we graduate or have children of our own. We grieve for an empty chair at Christmas and unfinished conversations. We can’t quite bring ourselves to delete their number from our mobile phone.
One is allowed to be sad, and cry and miss the loved one. One is also allowed to be happy and celebrate the impact that person had on your life. You are not being disloyal to the person by being happy. Indeed, didn’t they teach you to make the most of your life and cherish each day?
We need to remind ourselves, though, that our loved one is safe. They have no pain or worry or tears. Grief is for us, not for them, because they have gone. They are at peace. What they have achieved in their lives depends on how we choose to live ours.
Big hugs to everyone.
EG xxx
Thanks for sharing EG…
( )
I lost my brother almost 11 years ago, all I can say to you is honor their memory by trying your best to live you life, however 11 months is not that long and it really isn’t that easy to dust your self off! Remember to cry is good, talk to people and try not to let that black hole cover you over…. that was me for 3 years after losing my brother. I still have down days, I still cry at family gatherings. I beleive that our loved ones are with us sll the time and would want us to be as healthy as we can be. Just take it one day at a time.
Love TinaQ
My Dad died when I was 16 (I am now 37). I believe i've been an aimless spirit on this planet since. It's similar to what you mentioned Craig, I've been on "autopilot" since 1988.
My Dad was *AWESOME* he was the happiest person at ALL times. Forgiving. Loving. Helpful. It hurts to talk of him now – I always have to hold back tears.
I've only realised lately – Why am I still a mess over it? Because I NEVER dealt with the loss. I thought I had, but I definitely did not. I know, because the emotion is still inside. LOTS of it!
I realised I have not spoken to anyone about my loss in full, in fact, hardly at all. I've chatted to hubby or friends a little, but my loss+emotion is still stuck. I need to let it go – let it be free. I went from hilarious, bright girl to a miserable, pain in the backside ever since the day it happened. I'm only seeing that now…..
After reading your article Craig, it has inspired me to chat to a professional ASAP. I need to talk talk talk. Cry cry cry. Don't know what I'll say, but i'm sure it will come out. The bottled up emotion has left me breathless, lifeless & very sad. Friends/family aren't the same to talk to (existing emotions & expectations). A prof will be able to decipher my anxious mess. I need to let loose! I'm all choked head to toe!
The only person I talked to at 16 was the school counselor. After hearing my Mum & I weren't getting along (after Dad died), the woman dragged me out of my home into a 'religious' home near school (religious threats, scare tactics, cleaning dunny's every arvo). I failed at studies, the 'house parents' had me in tears every night saying my Dad would have gone to Hell (unless he spoke to God when he hit the floor) etc…. I could never go back home as Mum moved out with a new man! My Mum & all 6 bros/sisters don't mention Dad. No one has said a word since 1988. Weird hey?
I'm NOW going to deal with it 21 years later. Hopefully it will bring a smile back to my face, which I haven't seen since 1988.
Thanks Craig. You did it again :]
ps. reading some of these stories are just so amazing & so sad, I am sobbing everywhere.
big hugs to you, Vic xox
Wow. What a strong and inspiring post today. I have lost many people close to me Lauren, and have the same experience as you. I lost my auntie who was like a second mum. I would burst out crying at random times of the day for many years, but time does heal those wounds.
My fear though is that what would happen to me if i lost either mum or dad or both. I am so close to them, they are my best friends and if my past experiences have taught me anything, it is to cherish every minute we have with those around s because you neverknow when that minute is up and someone moves on.
I remember reading an email sent to me once which said that people come into our lives for a reason, or a season or a lifetime. Cherish the amazing wonderment that your auntie was to you and enjoy the time you have with those around you who would revel in the same love and attention from you that you gave to your auntie.
Craig, thanks for sharing your experience. I thought the slave bracelet was such a powerful image for me as a reader and it signifies an amazing heart that exists in you.
Thanks to you both for a sobering yet inspiring post.
Hugs,
Asma
Great post Craig. Thanks to everyone for sharing. We need to stay positive in tough times and remember it will get better.
Hi Craig, This article couldnt have come at a better time for me.
I lost my Mum only 3 months ago and my siter only 3 weeks ago! I am in a state of shock and when I speak about the both of them I have no emotion what so ever, its like they are both still here i guess! I talk about them like I am telling a storey I read. Weird I know…. Then the mind games start….whats wrong with me? Did I not love them enough ? Why dont I feel sad ALL the time ( as this is what I would have expected ) but then when you least expect it, with out any triggers I may have a moment of sadness and have a reality check that what has just happened is real.
Prior to mum passing away, Mum was in hospital St V’s Melbourne ( fantastic Hospital and staff ) in Palliative care for 4 months and during that time my Sister Jayne was in Intensive Care. So we would go from ICU to Palliative every day back and forth. Jayne had lived in ICU Just short of 12 months ( by one week ) as she was on a ventilator ( thaceoscomy )and she needed 24 hr care. I need to mention that Jayne was conscious not sedated while she was there. She did manage to go home for 6 weeks but unfortuanley had to go back in as she had got to many resistant bugs in her lungs that mediaction could not treat and eventually her body could not get enough oxygyn and carbon dioxide posioning did too much damage plus many other factors. Jayne sufferred from a condition called POMPEASE (Glycogen Storage Desease ) similar to Muscular Dystrophy.
I guess your brain gives you little bits of grief to cope as its is impossible to grieve all the time.
When Jayne was alive and her condition deteriorated I stopped looking after my self as I felt guilty that I was going to the gym when my sister couldnt even lift her hand to scratch her head and couldnt walk. hence I have gained weight (20kg plus emotional eating ) and lost tone. Now I feel even worse that I have allowed my body to be wasted when I am sure if Jayne was here she would love to have the oportunity to choice exercise. Guilt Guilt Guilt.!!! I know this is not healtyh but I find this really hard to crawl out of this state.
Sorry Craig for rambling on this was not meant to be a poor old me comment.
I have this enormous amount of guilt that I have over the past 12 months let my body go and have gained weight and lost muscle tone. I even feel disgusted with my self looking in the mirror because its not me in that mirror.
I can tell you more of this tragic story of Mum and Jayne but I dont think there is space.
I would appreciate your advise Craig on any steps.
Many Many Thanks
Kerrie M
Hi Craig & Lauren,
To lose someone close is a very difficult thing to overcome and talk about.
I'm in my early 40's and in the last 20 years I have lost a best mate in a car accident, my dad to cancer and then a very close workmate was murdered when he was working.
I still think about them all so much because of the great memories we had together. You never forget someone who was close to you but you will learn to cope with the loss. I hope it's not cliche' but when bad things happen, think about the cherished good times you had together. It does help.
Kevin
Thanks Tina Q… ( )
WOW VIC!!! That is some story. You almost had me crying but…. now it’s time for you to be happy.
You need to find your way to peace, calm and real joy; the internal, constant kind. Of course I didn’t know your dad, but by the way you describe him to me I doubt he would want his girl to be miserable for… TWO DECADES!
Sometimes happiness is ony a decision away Vic – love to you.
( )
You’re welcome Asma – an thanks for your story too ( )
Cheers Jack…
Hi Kerrie.
I can only imagine what you are going through right now and I am very happy to listen to your ‘rambling’.
If you want to meet with me for a coffee and a chat in the next week or so, I will make myself available. I may be zero help but at least you’ll get a free coffee and possibly a taste of my cheesecake
You can contact Johnny on (03) 9553 8857 during business hours and he’ll sort it.
x
Hi Kevin – I love hearing blokes talk about their feelings… doesn’t happen enough. Thanks for sharing
I lost my Mum who was my best friend and the only parent I have ever had 5 months ago and it has been terribly hard. My heart aches for her and I miss our friendship greatly. Sometimes that grief becomes overwhelming and I sob my little heart out but then I do feel better. I know the times of crying are getting less frequent and I know the grief isn’t as all consuming as it was. Lauren, you have been through so much and you just need to give yourself time to deal with the grief as it pops up. Keeping your day to day routines as normal as possible is a godsend. Everyday I am thankful Mum was in my life and I remember her with a smile. I also know she would be giving me a swift kickI lost my Mum who was my best friend and the only parent I have ever had 5 months ago and it has been terribly hard. My heart aches for her and I miss our friendship greatly. Sometimes that grief becomes overwhelming and I sob my little heart out but then I do feel better. I know the times of crying are getting less frequent and I know the grief isn’t as all consuming as it was. Lauren, you have been through so much and you just need to give yourself time to deal with the grief as it pops up. Keeping your day to day routines as normal as possible is a godsend. Everyday I am thankful Mum was in my life and I remember her with a e in the patootie if I was not moving on with my life.
Losing someone close to you certainly makes you stop and reaccess your life and think about what is meaningful and what isn’t. I am finally making the most of my life instead of being abit of a bystander and making excuses and boy it feels great. Life is too short not to afterall.
Craig, your posts are sensational and really hit the spot. Love the no bull way you have.
*hugs*
Jacqui
Wow, what a sad story.
Lauren, I’m a single mother also and have lost many family members to cancer and a 15 year old sister to suicide. I very recently had a brain tumour removed, having had only 2 weeks to live. I know a little of grief.
I just wanted to say I agree with what Craig said about talking about your Aunt. You have a perfect opportunity here to give your children a great gift – stories about your aunt and why she meant so much to you.
I tell my daughter stories as part of her bedtime routine, about my father, sister, cousins and friends who have all passed on now. I know it helps me and I’m positive it helps her too. Your children need to know that death and grieving are a part of life, but more importantly, so is surviving the grief. I’m sure your children would love to have their mum happy again.
cheers
B
When I lost my Dad, I can remember thinking that it only hurt so very much because I was so very lucky to have known him, and that I was only hurting so much because he didn’t have to anymore. It sounds weird, but it made the misery worthwhile and my own life suddenly felt substantially better.
It must be so much worse to lose a child though. There really aren’t the words.
Hugs to all,
Diana – UK
Nice to hear from you Jacqui and thanks for sharing with us – and hugs for you too.
( )
Hi B – I’m amazed by the incredible stories and lessons this post has opened the door to. Your message is both insightful and inspirational – thanks for sharing a little of you x
Thanks to you too Diana
( )
Hey Craig !
Hi everyone and thanks for sharing all your stories. We’ve had a fair share of grief in our family too, with my earliest experience being my Mum’s death when I was 22 and she was 51. Totally unexpected… massive heart attack. Babysitting for me that evening, gone by 1am. That was 38 years ago and although I’ve accepted it, I still miss her and wish she’d been around to know more of her grandkids (and great grandkids.)
Dad lived to a fairly decent age of 86, but in a way it was even harder losing him… he was my last link to his generation and there are soooo many things that I still want to ask him !!! Plus I’d visited him three times a week to help him out with “stuff” for several years. That left a big hole when he was gone.
Aunties, uncles, cousins, friends… we’ve lost so many that we seem to be getting together for funerals on quite a regular basis.
But possibly the hardest of all was the death of my eldest daughter’s first baby who was born 10 weeks prematurely and only lived nine days. In that short time, the poor little fella had to endure major surgery which did more harm than good because his little organs were so fragile that they disintegrated at the surgeon’s touch. My daughter was the only one who got to hold him (very briefly)during his short life, so we all spent time with him after he passed. She bathed and dressed him and then we all had our cuddles. A lot of people thought this was sick and morbid, but it was part of the healing process.
That same daughter suffered so many miscarriages after Luke that she stopped counting at 13. Most of them were very early, but then there was little Jay who died in the womb at 23 weeks and therefore had to be given a proper burial alongside his big brother.
Heartwrenching times. But the good part is… My daughter has managed to produce two beautiful healthy daughters and they are the light of her life. Sometimes I wonder how she has coped through all the hardship, but then I realise that it’s been through the support of family and friends… the most important part of life !
I don’t really have any suggestions for coping mechanisms because what helps one may not do any good for another, but somehow we get through… so, my message to everyone is stick together, share the pain but also remember the love you have for your lost one, smile when you think of them… and talk to them !! I talk to my Dad every day. I still don’t have the answers to those questions, but who knows… one day he might surprise me !!
{{{{HUGS}}}} to all,
Tina
Hi All,
My heart is warmed by the show of compassion in these comments and comforted by the great unifier that is grief and loss. The surviving and then thriving displayed in everyone’s story is inspiration to do the same.
A thought for those that have lost someone close. When I lost my grandfather – a quiet, calm, patient man, a decorated war hero who never spoke of himself, a father figure to me – I found that at the times I missed him most, I tried my best to BE the things I missed about him. This made him a living memory and me a better person.
Perhaps when you’re missing that person, you can actively embody the things you miss most about them, honouring who they are and how they’ve influenced their world.
love and hugs to all
Peter
I haven’t read through all the comments yet but Tina, reading about your daughter’s hardship and loss with childbirth really touched me. It tells me she must be one strong and amazing woman to have not given up long ago. I’m so glad she has had so much love and support from family and friends. It makes a difference, hey. Also glad she now has two beautiful and healthy daughters.
To me, if there was ever such a ‘grief and hardship’ equivalent to the earthquake Richter scale, then what your daughter experienced would be way up there. I think that reading about other peoples struggles and loss can teach us a thing or two about gratitude and putting our own ‘shit’ in perspective. Thanks for sharing something so touching. Hugs to you, your daughter and your family.
Hi Craig,
It’s taken me a few days to get around to this comment. To both Lauren and Craig, you have my admiration for being so open with your stories. The same applies to those who have told their stories in the comments.
I lost my first grandparent, my maternal grandmother, just over three decades ago when I was 8, and several years later I lost both of my paternal grandparents, first my grandmother and then my grandfather just over a year later.
The problem I have is that when I needed emotional support from my mother and stepfather to feel grief over these losses, I was met with anger and bitterness. My paternal grandparents lived interstate and I always looked forward to catching a bus and visiting them for my summer holidays – one of the greatest experiences of my life was my grandfather and I being hungover from his home brew stout and going crabbing down at one his favourite beaches and catching 20 odd sandcrabs – the best ever seafood I’ve tasted. Both times I wanted to go over for my grandparents’ funerals and I was refused by my stepfather. There was always plenty of anger in my household while I was growing up – and being an only child I always had to bear the brunt of it. It took me to my mid thirties to finally open up the inner parts of me to others.
Fast forward to my being an adult and someone I had been very close to committed suicide. I had moved on from the end of our friendship and a short time after this, she tried to get in touch with me and others she had burnt off while dealing with her deep depression. When she was ready to rebuild some broken bridges, no-one was there for her. A few days after that a mutual friend called to tell me the sad news. Again when I needed to get some support, I was met with “shit happens” get over it by mother and step father. I ended up suppressing my grief as a way to plod through my life.
Just over four years ago my mother passed away from leukemia, the extent of which she had hidden from me – whenever I asked how her health was she changed the subject. The funeral and other associated things to do with her passing put me through a bit of an emotional wringer. Ultimately though I returned to work 3 days after her funeral and I have never really felt on overwhelming sense of grief since then. The intellectual part of me says that my learned response to loss and grief (i.e. not to feel it very deeply) came during my formative years. The instinctual and emotive part of me sometimes get worried about this part of my emotional makeup.
I use my story not to seek sympathy, but to illustrate that some people have to close their inner selves as a survival mechanism and that the expression of grief doesn’t come easy.
Cheers,
Ben
(P.S. – I hope there is a “lighter” post coming in the next few days – I need to be able to do a brief quip after this particular comment)
Hi Craig
My Nanna in NZ died overnight (age 86). It looks like Mum, Dad, my brother and I will be flying over the Tasman on Thurs. Funeral on Fri.
Have been smiling and giggling in between some tears. So many special times were had when I was a kid. She loved chocolate. Choc wheaten bikkies.
Jules
(Melbourne)
18/4/09