Hi Guys, I hope this finds you well and enjoying your week. It seems that the last two posts have pushed some buttons for a few people and that can’t be a bad thing, can it? In my experience, I’ve discovered that when something creates an emotional response, I best pay attention. Quite often it’s spiritual, philosophical and/or emotional me trying to shake cerebral me out of my intelligence. AKA delusion. Obviously I’m all for the personal development journey and (some of) the available resources, but there comes a time when we need to turn off the external noise (shut down the computer, put away the books, pause the CD) and switch on to the internal wisdom that lives in each of us. I hope you continue your search for that inner guide. I want to share a brief extract from Christina’s comment on yesterday’s post and then discuss it with you…
“I took a moment and tried to tune into myself but all I could hear was static. The truth is that I have no idea who I really am. My voice has been drowned out by a cacophony of phrases from others. I am only a reflection of what everyone else wants to see in me.”
Thanks for having the courage to share your very relevant and insightful thoughts with the rest of us Christina. Not too many would share those things publicly but your feelings are a reflection of the way many people feel every day of their lives. While it’s great to acknowledge what we feel, it’s also important that we learn to differentiate between the internal reality we have created – complete with all it’s rules, limitations, destructive beliefs, fears and negativity – and the largely untapped potential and brilliance that lives beyond the confines of our (often) fearful minds. That is, we must search for the very real possibilities that lie beyond our emotion and self-doubt. So for today’s instalment here at you-know-where, I’ve decided that I would dissect your comment Christina, offer some feedback and direction and then allow our readers to jump in and share their thoughts and ideas also. If you feel you may have something of value to share with Christina (and the group), feel free to join the discussion; I certainly don’t have a monopoly on answers, advice or encouragement.
Okay, let’s take a peek at sentence one:
“I took a moment and tried to tune into myself but all I could hear was static.”
If I took a moment, I’d only hear static too. Getting to the point where your mind is clear - totally clear – takes time. In the early stages (where you are now), trying to hear that inner voice while you’re in the midst of your busy-ness is like trying to have a meaningful conversation with a stranger in a loud, crowded, poorly-lit, chaotic nightclub (all been there); it ain’t gonna happen. In order to get to know someone – including ourselves – we need to take the time, to find the space and to step away from the chaos. Even twenty minutes is a good starting point but there needs to be regular instalments of twenty minutes. The whole “I want patience and I want it right now” mindset… doesn’t really work. When you’ve been living in “static” for so long Christina, it takes real effort to hear the words underneath the static. But they are there. A word of warning: your inner voice will not always point you towards the easy path but as I’ve shared many times, where there is adversity there is growth. There is change. There is learning. And there is wisdom to be gained. Just as the fat, unhealthy man cannot undo forty years of destructive behaviours, self-talk and choices in two weeks, neither will your transformational journey be one of painless instant gratification. And while there will be lumps and bumps, the growth will be incredible, the journey will be life-defining and you, in turn, will inspire many others along the way.
“The truth is that I have no idea who I really am.”
Hmm… I could get all “Eckhart” on you and tell you that you are the asker of the “who am I” question. I could also say that you are the awareness that recognises the need for identity. But in truth Grasshopper, you are not an identity; you are you. Beyond any identity. You are you beyond the humanistic, self-limiting pigeon-holing. Sure we could come up with lots of funky labels to tell us who Christina is (I just affectionately called you Grasshopper – my pet term for a student) but in reality, those labels won’t tell us who you are, but rather, who people perceive you to be. You are not a brand, a reputation, an image or a label. Those things may speak of you, but they are not you. The who am I question – from a spiritual and philosophical perspective – cannot be answered logically. In order to find out who you are, sometimes you need to discover who you are not. You are not a body. You are not a job. You are not a face. You are not a bank balance. You are not a reputation and you are not a pawn in someone else’s game. Christina, who you are right now and who you will become, is completely up to you. Who you are is not cosmically pre-determined or written in the stars; it is totally you-determined. That’s the cool part. Far too many people try to find their identity, meaning and purpose in some mystical, magical, pre-ordained, impossible-to-understand plan. There is no such plan. There is you. And you are not the plan follower, you are the plan maker.
“My voice has been drowned out by a cacophony of phrases from others”.
You have allowed that to happen. You have total control of that. Stop thinking and talking like a victim and don’t hand over you power to anyone. People will only dominate you, when you let them. And keep in mind that sometimes the person who talks the least… is the most powerful. When it comes to the big stuff, the only voice you really need to listen is your inner voice. The rest is mostly just noise. And by the way, don’t confuse people who talk loud or often with people who are intelligent, powerful or worth listening to. 
“I am only a reflection of what everyone else wants to see in me.”
One moment you’re telling me that you don’t know who you are and the next, you’re telling me exactly who you are; a reflection of what everyone wants to see in you. Christina the people pleaser. Christina the conformist. Christina the door mat. Christina the diplomat. Christina the bottom-lip-biter. You are so much more than all of that. You are the captain of your own ship. The author of your own destiny. The powerful woman and not the fearful child. I’ve only met you once (at RYL) and I recognise your strength, your potential, your creativity, your brilliance and your beauty… when will you? And if you think that last sentence is simply me wheeling out some feel-good fluff to make you feel warm and fuzzy (1) you really don’t know me (2) take a compliment for what it is and (3) stop giving your self-doubt so much “air time”.
Okay Christina, time for you to work your way through the static and tune into… you. Be patient. Be diligent.
If you have any thoughts you’d like to share… or perhaps some advice, encouragement and/or insight to share with Christina (and the rest of us)… you know the drill.
Ciao xx
{ 39 comments… read them below or add one }
Christina the people pleaser. Christina the conformist. Christina the door mat. Christina the diplomat. Christina the bottom-lip-biter.
Replace with Michael
BTW I hear the static of others past and present, even future, that tell me what I should be all the time. You have stated in many blog posts the joys of being different and not conforming, eg you blog on not being married.
Trouble is that we pay, I pay, attention to the fears: if I do this I won’t have money or be alone, if I don’t use X cream on my face I’m not getting a date etc. Yet as you state, it’s my internal reality that creates this.
Thanks again Craig I have passed this on to others because I notice lately how many are so driven by the need to be people other than themselves.
This article is really speaking to me. I often dread that I don’t know myself too. In particular, I worry that if I don’t know myself, how am I capable of making choices that will make me happy in life? Personally, I let myself off the hook by acknowledging that there are no “right choices,” but rather opportunities to create ourselves with our choices – big or small. Life is a complex, creative endeavor – if we want it to be. To quote Oscar Wilde “only the shallow know themselves.”
Your really love people don’t you Craig Harper?
I can so identify with christina Craig, Im so scared to tell people ( friends) how i feel when they upset me as Im scared i will not be liked and lose their friendship. Since i was young i have had the script running through my head: nice girls dont ….. and it has choked my life, my experiences and my growth. I have been told that i have done great things for people yet i dont see it as I always see that failure or the little girl who wasnt quite good enough.
your not supposed to stand up for yourself, or have yourself noticed or make the boat rock. I was sexually abused when younger and the self hatred and loathing i have turned against myself because it doesnt happen to “nice girls” I have come through it and survived but not without damage and i feel that on my head is a sign saying ” damaged goods”. I have sat still and listened to my thoughts and all i hear is “your not good enough” and “your not special how dare you compare yourself to others and think your special”
Everyday i look in the mirror and i hate the person looking back at me, her body,her plainess, and can see nothing good about her.
Somewhere deep inside me is this force, this strength that compels me to keep trying to keep moving, I try to tap into it but it is elusive.
I know I am a good mother and do things for my kids but somehow that doesnt count. I am supposed to do those things, thats what mothers do.
Even in writing this the voice is telling me “Craig doesnt want to hear you”
Hello, Craig. Hello, Christina.
Totally agree with Master Grasshopper .. “I recognise your strength, your potential, your creativity, your brilliance and your beauty” .. but you already know how I feel about you. But beyond that, I think you have a fairly decent idea of who it is you want to be .. and also that you have the ability & potential to be that person. And THAT scares the crap out of you. But if and when new issues raise their head, remember that you’ll be in a stronger place emotionally (and usually with more information) to make the right decisions then. Like I’ve said to you before .. address the fear head-on. Run it out in your mind. What’s the worst that can happen here? And could you deal with it? Hell, yes!
The funny thing is, you already ARE many of the things you aspire to be. You just don’t see it. Or want to .. ?? But, my sweet, if you’re going to believe the limiting labels that people put on you (or you put on yourself), then you should at least give as much weight to the positive feedback you get.
We had a challenge at karate a couple of weeks ago. 24hrs of “no self put-downs”. You should try it. And then keep going. As soon as you begin to bag yourself or limit yourself, consciously stop. And if doing this forever (at this stage) seems ridiculous, can you do it just for the next hour? And then another? Just live in the now. Be who you want every minute and soon enough you’ll have some history to look back on that will help you start to change the picture you have of YOU.
Time to step up to the plate, my dear. You know it .. and you also know you’re ready. Scared, but ready. But you’re not alone. And you’re already loved for who you are.
Suz
xxx
As a general comment, I found that for me, it’s not so much about not knowing who I am .. but that I wasn’t confident or strong enough to admit (to myself and others) that this is who I am and that it is enough.
I would see behaviours that weren’t ideal and that didn’t tie in with the person I wanted to be. So I would discount them and also say, “I don’t know who I am”. Which really meant, I don’t see that I’m the person I want to be. To me, using those words were a cop out for having to accept the not-so-perfect things that are a part of me.
Part of my journey has been to address a few of those issues and change them, improve them or eliminate them (and with regards a long-standing issue with self-worth, I sought professional help and can highly recommend it). But with other behaviours, I now accept that they are part of who I am .. and who I’m happy to be.
One example I could give you is that old saying “love like you’ve never been hurt”. No matter what has happened to me in the past, I would continue to go into relationships (short-term, long-term or anything), totally open, totally trusting, totally giving. So many people have told me to hold back more .. not give so much .. not be so open or generous. But that’s not me. Now I embrace that I am like this and choose to see it as a strength. Because what comes with it is the knowledge that no matter what happens to me .. at least emotionally .. I can deal with it. Sure, I’ll get hurt .. but that’s OK. I am capable of being the iron fist in the velvet glove, going on my track record. I will survive and be stronger for every experience I have.
And also like I said to Christina, address your fear full-on. I used to have a fear of looking like a fool. But when it happened, it wasn’t nearly as bad as I thought. Actually, people would often laugh with me and it would become a warm moment. Weird. Now I tend to welcome the opportunity to appear foolish. There’s a sense of freedom in it, strangely enough!
Sorry .. just had a squiz back at my comment(s). Clearly you’ve struck a chord with me, Craig. I could easily prattle on more, but the smart thing would be to go. So have a great day!
Suz (Sydney)
Hi Craig,
Wow. I’m stunned. I have to admit that I shed a few tears when I read your reply. I really needed a hug too. You weren’t available so the cavoodle had to do – his nose is a bit cold but he is a very good hugger.
Thank you for seeing through my fear and my excuse-making. You’re right; I haven’t really tried to find my real self or listen to my inner voice – I’ve been afraid that there is nothing there. Perhaps that’s why I have let other people fill the void.
Your assertion that “You are not a body. You are not a job. You are not a face. You are not a bank balance. You are not a reputation and you are not a pawn in someone else’s game.” really gave me a jolt. I have worked so hard to create all the trappings of a ‘good’ life but in the process I have become a caricature.
I am going to take the time and have the patience to find my true self. Not in a dramatic, self-indulgent ‘Eat Pray Love’ kind of way but quietly and firmly. It may not lead to anything remarkable (although it might) but at least it will be authentic. Perhaps if I find out who I am, I might actually like myself. Stranger things have happened.
Thank you, Craig, for the faith that you have shown in me. Thank you for recognising in me qualities that I have never acknowledged.
Christina xxx
Gail, spot on, I just lost 3 friends because I told them their behaviour was not appropriate, long story, but point is there is a nice boys don’t culture out there, maybe not as strong as nice girls don’t, but it’s there. The culture that tells you just to get over it, you are taking things too personally etc. No, the body and heart tell you when something is wrong. They are great people with issues, and I took responsibilty for my part, but they don’t see that their words and actions were not good for me and my friends.
Suza re relationships – yes I go in head first with total giving and get slapped, but hey I’m still ok for doing that so good points you make.
And Gail – Craig, I, want to hear you. In hearing your and others experiences I learn more about myself and how to change to have better relatioships or heal current ones.
Gail, spot on, I just lost 3 friends because I told them their behaviour was not appropriate, long story, but point is there is a nice boys don’t culture out there, maybe not as strong as nice girls don’t, but it’s there. The culture that tells you just to get over it, you are taking things too personally etc. No, the body and heart tell you when something is wrong. They are great people with issues, and I took responsibilty for my part, but they don’t see that their words and actions were not good for me and my friends.
Suza re relationships – yes I go in head first with total giving and get slapped, but hey I’m still ok for doing that so good points you make.
And Gail – Craig, I, want to hear you. In hearing your and others experiences I learn more about myself and how to change to have better relatioships or heal current ones.
Cheers Michael.
BTW, you’re good enough.
It is indeed a journey of discovery Paul – thanks for dropping by
Hi Linda
I am very flawed but I do my best to love unconditionally. I don’t always get it right and like you, I’m a work in progess
Hi Gail.
I do want to hear you and I did. I read your words carefully and I considered them because you matter. I hear your pain and I understand the way you feel but I want you to know that your past need not become your future. At some stage I hope that you can simply “let go” of the pain and the past and embrace hope and what could be. I want you to do a “treasure hunt” on your current life reality and send me another comment telling me:
(1) What you’re proud of (5 things)
(2) What you’re good at (5 things)
(3) What’s positive about your life (5 things)
(4) How YOU are going to DO DIFFERENT to create different (5 things)
Gail, I can support you, cheer you on and give you a big hug but only you can change your reality…
Hugs for you
I look forward to your reply
A little time on your hands today Suz?
As always, love your insightful and valuable thoughts.
Ciao Ninja Girl
You’re welcome Christina
x
Hey Craig and Christine,
I specifically teach children meditation for just that reason…it took me far too long to learn to quiet all the “crap” (that swirls around in your head as an adult) and find the “true” me..
Christine I felt exactly like you before my own “journey”…but, you can clear the static and find yourself… and it will be an amazing “journey” for you too.
You said… “It may not lead to anything remarkable”…but I bet it sure does!!…excellent post Craig…Go for it Christine…Have an awesome day!
Christina, I like you have recently acknowledged that I have no idea who I am. But I have come to realize that it is a great thing to know about yourself because if you are not scared of that concept it keeps you wide open to the world around you.
xx
Hi Craig, Christina and everyone!
I loved these “From Me” letters and it really made me think about myself like never before. Christina, I’m hearing what you’re saying – on a similar level, I feel it too. Good for you to be able to admit to it as “excuse-making”, I’ll admit to it too. “My name is Em, and I’m an excuse-maker”.
My “me” voice is pretty quiet, but I am hearing her more and more … I just don’t like what she is saying. Although, I know she is right. My courage has deserted me.
Craig, that bit you wrote: “You are not a body. You are not a job. You are not a face. You are not a bank balance. You are not a reputation and you are not a pawn in someone else’s game … ” hit home with me too. I admit, I do take a fair bit of my identity from my job. I’ve done it for a long time and other people identify me as my skills. I also take pride in what I do, so I guess I don’t discourage my thinking of “It’s what I do, therefore it’s who I am.” Intellectually though, I know it’s not true.
I am me, and that is just fine and dandy. I’m work in progress, and nowhere near perfect, but that’s okay. Today this statement is true for me. Tomorrow, it may not be.
Thanks for making me think!
Em
( ) x
*** And for Christina – ( ) x
March to the beat of your own drum Christina. The older I get, the more I learn about the world and the way it works. You will never control how other people think about you (NO MATTER WHAT YOU DO!). Worry about what you can control…….and march to the beat of your OWN drum!
Love this post Craig it is wonderful and thought provoking and authentic and honest. As are the comments that follow.
Re: the good girl/boy comments –
I was always the ‘good girl’ trying to constantly be the peacemaker, putting up with crap to ‘keep the peace’ etc. I found turning 40 was very free-ing (yes I’m sure that’s a word
). It was like a mini mid-life wake up call which said “Are you going to do what you’ve been doing for another 40 years?” I analysed my life against that yardstick and decided that some of what I was doing was valuable and some was detrimental to me and also to the people that I was letting get away with bad behaviour.
At the age of 40 I finally ‘came into my own’, I was finally an adult (in my eyes) capable of setting the standards of behaviour that I found acceptable and calling people on the ones that weren’t. It cost me one relationship which I realise was toxic, enabling (in a bad way) and detrimental to me and the other person. Everything else adjusted to my new mindset and life has been much, much better. I feel stronger and more in control of my destiny.
For all the others caught up in being ‘good’ – which really means subjugating yourself for others – try treating yourself the same way you treat others. A bit of a reversal of the golden rule. It has an amazing effect.
Hi Craig,
Christina,
The question and the answer is not as important as the search. Enjoy the journey, learn something every day, remember the goal is not perfection it is improvement. Slow, boring, gradual improvement every day adds up to something magnificent at the end of each month. Believe in yourself and love yourself unconditionally.
This goes for you too Gail. Big hugs to you sister girl.
Hugs,
Jo
Hello,
I have become newly aqquainted with a term called “time gaps”
Taking a moment to concentrate on one breath in, one breath out
I use them at work when I become anxious or stressed about my inbox or deadlines, when I duck out to make a cup of tea, waiting for the microwave to finish, when I duck off to the loo, absolutely anywhere! I have found them invaluable for bringing myself back to me and promoting some inner peace. I hope this may help y’all!
Gail, Gail – hello! I just wanted to add my support for you – you mentioned ‘I do good things for my kids, but that doesn’t count’. It does, it does!! And so much. Your little darlings love you and need you. They don’t see all those negative aspects you see – they just see ‘mum’ and to them you are perfect in every way. I bet you give so much of yourself to them, but please take time to love ‘you’. I hope that doesn’t sound too corny, but it just means take time out for you, time to relax, switch off, get some space. It’s a hard ask when you’ve got kids and I think at some time or other, we’ve all locked ourselves in the toilet or similar just to get some peace. But…..try. Because you are worthy, valuable and important…..you are. Nurture that…..believe it….don’t allow that monster that took away your childhood to take another moment of your beautiful life.
cheers and (( ))
Mon
Cheers Jacinta
Thanks for dropping by Karren
That’s my job Em (making you think)
Nice advice Michelle
Thanks for sharing Tania – good stuff
Nice to hear from you Jo
Thanks Megan
Cheers Mon. Nice words.
Fulcrum
Pivot
Pass
When I become aware that I have been living a lie, endeavouring to be someone that is not me, for whatever feeling of lack…for the seeking of attention, for the seeking of love, for the seeking of being wanted, for the desire to fit in…that moment is pivotal, it is a fulcrum, it is me progressing through the pass, from a life that has been molded to the expectation of others to a life molded by the expectation of my inner heart…that is purely a magical moment, one of the most magical. It may not appear so at the time, as there is a radical change taking place, the fear of leaving what is known (even if it is uncomfortably negative), to journey into the unknown to chance the discovery of my true inner self.
Craig, there is a bounty of magical moments happening these days!
To find my true inner self is not so much doing but removing, by peeling off the layers of negativity that I have become cocooned in from birth. Peeling back the layers with honesty and openness will gradually reveal the special me, who has been there all along. Just peel back the layers, and there I sit, there I am, magical me.
The biggest layer of all is self delusion, and coming to the awareness of why I am what I am, is spectacular progress.
Everybody, crack open that bottle of love champagne and celebrate, it is well deserved!
Peeling back the layers?
A couple of prequisites!
Accept full responsibility for why I am what I am.
Plus a heavy forgiveness session, which is not about forgiving others (I don’t want to give a stuff about them, or devote any more of my energy to them), but forgiving myself for why I am what I am.
It is perfectly understandable that I became what I became due to the negative influences I was/am immersed in. While I continue to hold resentment towards others, that layer of negativity will continue to consume me and block movement forward. Only I have the power to let it go, and to do that I must forgive myself for allowing that negative feeling to have hold over me.
Forgiveness is all about forgiving me and me only, it has nothing to do with any other, no matter how maniacal that presence is/was.
I forgive myself for the resentment and fear I have held.
To move on, I must detach myself from it, peel away that layer.
Ho’oponopono has a saying that is freeing and relieving.
I say it to my inner heart for the hurt I have allowed myself to be consumed with.
“I love you
I am sorry,
Please forgive me,
Thank You”
When I feel fear and resentment come, I say it to quell the influence.
Hi everyone,
I just wanted to say thanks for your lovely comments and valuable advice. I’m going to print them all out and take them on board.
What a marvellous and kind-hearted group of people you are. I’m feeling very loved and spesh today.
Christina xxx
Hi Craig,
Just found you serendipidously and saw great meaning in your post to Christina. I just wanted to mention that most of our lives we are too hard on ourselves – that our attention , by our nature, focuses at fixing things when we are not all happy and gleeful. And when we can’t immediately fix our happiness we see ourselves as a failure because we have a goal to accomplish ..but somehow end up a little short. This is our journey of change and discovery – a little scary, a little unorthodox and mostly like the blind leading the blind. We are not use to thinking that the unknown can be and is totally okay – instead we associate knowledge with security most often. Recognize this Christine, the fact that you observed this moment of static and of not knowing who you are was a huge step that unconsciously found itself ACTING in your life. Normally, the surprising or the shocking to us is a wake up call, is another step in our journey, is our unconscious self moving us forward when we don’t intellectually seem able. You also embraced this moment of discovery by sharing and connecting and then by receiving all these great comments. If I didn’t know any better, I would say that you know exactly what you are doing;)…you are listening to yourself, acting in response and receiving for your efforts. Well done. All your emotions, ups and downs, failures and successes are part of experiencing the wonder journey of life-they are the gift of life – don’t throw anything away! Keep going – you are most powerful.
Jeff
Hi Littlejohn.. .love it.
Thanks for dropping by Jeff – nice to meet you and thanks for sharing
We are all silver balls bouncing around the pinball machine of life. Enjoy the ride.
Gail, your post really touched me and brought me to tears. I too once felt like you did although for different reasons. You are not what happened to you. It is not your fault. You need to look in the mirror and tell yourself you are special and you are good enough and you need to give yourself a hug. Imagine what you would tell one of your own children and you then need to tell your inner self that. At first it seems like a crock but you need to keep doing it. As a adult when I started to challenge those beliefs I felt like an onion with all my layers off and then it was important for me to find for myself what I needed and give it to myself. It is a long journey but well worth the effort. Be kind to yourself.
You know the tears come from being sad that I let it control my life for so long and all I did was hurt myself and I didn’t deserve it. If I could use Craig’s words: I am a powerful woman now not the fearful child I once was.
Jac