This site is the website of motivational speaker Craig Harper. A constantly updated, one-stop information, inspiration, education and motivation station. Unlike many similar sites, it is a totally free resource for anyone who is serious about moving from mediocre to amazing in any area of their personal or professional life. With hundreds of articles covering a wide range of subject matter, great interviews with cool people and inspirational video posts, there's more than enough brain-food to keep you busy for hours. Okay, days!! Enjoy.
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Fattitude
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Craig Harper is Australia's leading
motivational speaker
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sought-after corporate coach and is considered to be
a leader and pioneer in the areas of personal and
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Working with hundreds of
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Before I get under way with today's installment, it seems that our 'Suck it up Princess' shirts have been something of a minor hit before they've even gone on sale. Yesterday I was wearing one and a lady on the street asked me where I got it from and how she could get one. She had no idea who Craig Harper is or anything about his (er, my) website or gym, so I told her how she could order a shirt on-line. She thought the 'Suck it Up' message was one that her daughters need to read. To order your own shirt click here. Keep in mind that these all-cotton shirts are biggish in size. I normally wear an 'XL' but the 'L' I'm wearing is pretty big on me. Thanks to my boy Aaron for being our model. Is it my imagination, or does his right forearm look twice as big as his left in that photo? I just noticed that. Hmm. Freak. Anyway, on with the show....
G'day Team...
As always, I trust that you're doing what you need to do to produce the results you want to see in your world and I also hope that you're having some fun at the same time. If you're not having at least a little fun, you need another plan! I'll assume you're not hoping, waiting or over-thinking but rather doing, creating, challenging, learning, adapting and pushing. And when appropriate, relaxing, switching off and being grateful for what you have and where you are. Gratitude is a misunderstood and under-valued component of the personal growth journey. I also trust that you're focusing on, and investing energy into, the things you can control in your world and letting go of the things you can't; like the events of your past.
Trapped in the Nineties
I spoke with a bloke recently who is sadly trapped in the nineties - and I'm not talking about his hair, clothes or taste in music. His wife left him eleven years ago and as I spoke with him it became very apparent that he is still totally committed to hanging on to every bit of anger, resentment, bitterness, self-pity and pain for the long term. Wow! That's a commitment you simply don't wanna make. He is making his own life a misery by (1) not letting go of that which makes him unhappy (2) inhabiting the past and investing his emotional energy into something that doesn't exist any more (except in his mind) and (3) being all about the (perceived) problem not any possible solution. Everyone has moved on except him - and that makes him even grumpier. Keep in mind that things only have the meaning and the power we give them. Think about that sentence for a minute.
Make History History
Yep, you and I determine how much influence, impact and power things will have over us and ultimately we determine what those things will mean in our world. Some people will make their lives a misery by handing over way too much power and control, and giving way too much meaning or significance to certain situations, circumstances, events or even people. The only place where the past exists is in our head, so it's important that we stop finding new and exciting ways to live there, while simultaneously missing out on the now. Many of us are emotionally and mentally trapped in our history and as a result, we don't learn, we don't evolve, we don't mature, we don't forgive and we don't find joy, peace, happiness, fulfilment or connection in the present.
An Exercise
Your exercise for today (should you so choose to be a participator and not just a reader) is to find a quiet place - no distractions at all - and spend five to fifteen minutes honestly, humbly and privately considering (1) whether or not the above message is relevant to you and how (2) what you might need to change in your world (3) what you need to let go of right now and (4) how you're going to create lasting change in this area of your life.
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Well, mother nature (or whoever is responsible for the weather in your belief system) has thrown us Victorians a major curve ball this week. By eight o'clock this morning it will be about 35C (95F) here in downtown Melbourne. We are currently in the middle of the hottest week our state has seen (okay, felt) for the last one hundred years (according to the experts) and our South Australian brothers and sisters are going through the same thing. They say it may even be a little hotter over there today. I'd send you all a hug but it's too hot for that. In Melbourne we're heading for a top of 43C (109.4F) by about midday. Yesterday we reached a lazy 44.3C (111.7F). For my international readers (to keep you in the loop), right now much of Australia is in severe drought - the worst in our history - and as a result, we are on extreme water restrictions. No watering of gardens or lawns, no washing of cars or machinery, no filling of pools, three minute showers and a bunch of other restrictions. In an effort to conserve water and do my bit for the environment, I've been showering with at least three friends each morning.
If only Johnny wasn't one of them.
To all my hot readers today (take that however you like), stay out of the sun, don't exercise outdoors (if at all), consciously hydrate (even if you don't feel thirsty) and don't allow yourself to get stressed, anxious, frustrated or angry about the heat. Preliminary studies suggest that getting grumpy (weather rage) doesn't actually lower the ambient temperature but does in fact annoy the crap out of everyone around you. Who would have guessed?
Okay, on with some me-dot-com news...
Q and A Posts
As you may have guessed, I get a bunch of emails. I try to answer as many as possible but if I answered all of them the way that I would like to (in great detail), I would spend twenty six hours per day doing nothing else. Clearly not an option. I have decided that once a month (or so) I will answer questions from readers right here on the site. In effect, the questions will become the basis for my daily article. If this idea works and it proves to be a popular addition to the site, I'll do it more often. The chances are that if you have an issue or challenge, then other people are going through something very similar. So, if you have a question that in some way relates to creating better results and positive change in your world, feel free to send it through. Yes it can be specific and personal and yes we will omit your name (etc.) if you prefer. Just click on the email Craig thingy near my boof head (top left of the home page). Depending on the response to this concept, the first Q and A article could be up next week.
Win a Place at our two-day RYL
Last week, something amazing happened. One of my regular readers, someone who is already coming to our May RYL, got on-line and booked (and paid in full for) another place in the program. The next day I received an email from this lady saying that she would like to offer this $595.00 place to someone who (1) genuinely can't afford to be there (2) desperately wants and needs to be involved in the program and (3) would greatly benefit from an opportunity such as this. Gotta say, this gesture almost brought a tear to my eye because this kind person is not particularly wealthy, has challenges of her own, yet at the same time is working desperately hard to 'be the change' and to impact the lives of others in a practical, real and measurable way. So if you meet the above criteria and you'd like to send us a hundred words (or so) click on the 'email Craig' thingy and your submission will be read and considered. By the way, we're not looking for wacky, clever, creative submissions. And neither are we interested in how 'well' you write; we're interested in your situation and your reasons for wanting to be involved in the program.
But Wait, There's More...
I've decided that, if our winner comes from any (Australian) state other than Victoria (which is a distinct chance), I will pay for the return air fares. By the way, to make this fair, our philanthropic reader will peruse the submissions and make the ultimate decision. And no, she won't know what state people are from, so everyone has an equal chance. I don't care if the winner is from down the street or from Cairns. The most deserving person will be chosen.
Biggest Loser Australia
As most of you know, I work on Channel Ten here in Oz as the resident Fitness Bloke and Life Renovator for the 9AM show. Anyway, I was contacted by the station last week and asked to be the on-line life-coach dude for the Biggest Loser website. I'll be doing basic (short-ish) question/answer stuff for home viewers. My first installment should be on the BLA site next week.
New T-Shirts
After about a million requests, the bald man and I are finally getting some new, mildly amusing me-dot-com T-Shirts. They are at the screen printer as I write and will be for sale on the site next week. They are quality cotton shirts and have those deeply moving and inspiring words "SUCK IT UP PRINCESS'" emblazoned across the chest. You may also find our web address in teeny weeny letters underneath. Surely a must-have wardrobe addition for all sooks.
On-line PT
Here at me-dot-com we are often asked about remote Personal Training. That is, being trained via phone, Skype and/or email. Obviously not everyone has physical access to a great gym or a quality fitness professional. Until now this service is not something that we've offered in a significant way but that's about to change. Next week I'm going to introduce you to the newest member of my team; one of Australia's leading trainers who is about to head up the on-line personal training arm of our business. I'm a little excited. Stay tuned...
Enjoy your weekend Groovers. Group Hug ( )
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
G'day Grasshoppers Sorry I've been a little absent lately, it's been a busy time for me. I have a bunch of stuff to tell you but I'll leave it for a day or two when I do a me-dot-com update. Hope you had a good weekend and did your best to avoid the searing sun (and for our Northern Hemisphere folk, the searing snow!). Right now Melbourne is HOT and I'm spending my nights either swimming in my own sweat or battling frostbite thanks to my overly efficient air conditioner and my inability to operate anything mechanical. Went to see Gran Torino (Clint's new movie) this weekend and thankfully there were no dying dogs (as in Marley and Me), so I managed to refrain from embarrassing myself. But what a great movie! Not what you might think for a Clint movie and it has equal appeal for both the blokes and the chicks. It's my movie of the summer (yep, it's summer over here) and it gets four and a half stars on the world famous Harper film-o-meter. I apologise for slipping into film reviewer mode, I didn't actually know that was going to come out when I started this intro. Perhaps I was giving my inner film critic a voice. For our non-Aussie friends, today is a public holiday here in the land down under because it's Australia Day; the day of the year where we (apparently) commemorate the arrival of the First Fleet in 1788, marking the start of the British colonisation of Australia. Or in reality, just another day where we over-eat, over-drink, and over-expose our skin to the sun, while standing around a barbeque, talking shit and not really thinking about the First Fleet at all. Or our criminal ancestors. Oh well, so much for history. Enjoy your week, be the change and on with today's installment here at me-dot-com...
Put up your hand if you are any of the following:
1. The Procrastinator 2. The Self-Saboteur 3. The Over-Thinker
Wow, that's a bunch of hands. If by some chance you are all three, put up both hands and possibly a foot. Now, leave them up until I say so. And yes, that means you up the back with all the issues. And you with the weird hair.
Suck it up Princess
So, why am I specifically identifying these three people today? Because they are everywhere and they stand in the way of potential, progress, change, connection, happiness, growth, enlightenment and success (whatever that is for each of us). They inhabit our schools, our corporations, our places of worship, our homes and most significantly, our minds. They are you and me. Er, I. Well, sometimes at least. Of course we all have the capacity to over-think, under-do and shoot ourselves in the foot on a regular basis, but unless we want to spend the next ten years (or should I say, another ten years?) in a holding pattern, we might need to make a few changes, take a few risks and suck it up (Princess) from time to time.
Q. What do all three of these people have in common?
A. Fear. They are scaredy cats.
The Fear Factor
These three are controlled, if not negatively impacted in some way, by fear. On a regular basis. Fear of failure. Fear of being humiliated. Fear of rejection (a biggie). Fear of poverty. Fear of isolation and loneliness (another biggie). Fear of criticism. And last but not least, fear of pain. That's right, they don't like hurting so they seek a comfortable and pain-free existence. Good luck with that. Fear keeps them in that emotional prison; the very place which keeps them miserable, frustrated and compromised. Unfortunately, comfort and personal growth don't generally go hand in hand.
The Carob Feel
Let's be honest, many of us are champions at wasting our significant talent, time and opportunities. Some of us are masters of going through the motions. Simulated living I call it; looks like life, but isn't. Kind of like when people think you're eating chocolate but it's actually carob. Bummer. They think you're living a life of chocolate decadence, when in reality you're drowning in a sea of carob. Does your life ever have that carob feel about it?
These three people have a gift for snatching defeat from the jaws of victory, for not doing what they should (for years on end) and if there's a way to shoot themselves in the foot, they'll find it. If there's two ways, they'll find both.
* Okay, you can put your hand(s) down now. And your foot. Even you with the goofy face up the back. Oops, that's me.
Knew I should have stayed home...
Today's post is the result of an impromptu conversation I had with an acquaintance (don't even know her name) at the front of my house yesterday morning (Sunday). There's a small percentage of the population that you simply shouldn't ask "so how's life", unless you really want to know, or you have a spare hour. Or two. This lady is the poster girl for all three personalities and seemed somewhat perplexed and amused by my enthusiasm, my optimism, my positive attitude and my solution-focused mindset.
"I think you're over-simplifying a rather complex issue" she told me as we discussed the notion of her changing careers and leaving the job she hates. "Hmm, well I think you're complicating something that's actually quite simple. Not necessarily painless, but simple nonetheless", I replied.
No matter how much sense I made or how much logic I injected into the conversation, she didn't want to know about it. The more sense I made, the more defensive, emotional and reactive she became. I could smell the fear.
Another ten-point strategy. Or not.
As I was thinking about writing this post, I considered that perhaps I should come up with yet another razzle-dazzle, ten-point strategy to help us all over-come procrastination, self-sabotage and over-thinking. But then two things came to mind: (1) I'm sick of writing ten-point strategies that people will read but rarely apply and (2) we don't need a ten-point strategy; we only need one point and hear it is...
Face your fears.
Not later. Not next week. Not when it's more convenient. Not when 'the time is right'. Not when all the planets have aligned. Not when it's more practical or comfortable. No, now. Stop bullshitting yourself. Stop compromising. Stop rationalising, justifying and explaining. And stop with all the excuses. You might be fooling you, but you're not fooling the rest of us. The truth is that most of us know exactly what we need to do, but often what we need to do (1) ain't what we want to do (what we're comfortable with) and (2) scares the crap out of us.
Newsflash: Things don't "work themselves out", we do.
*You might wanna put that on your fridge and look at it every morning. Or perhaps staple it to your forehead.
How often do we hear people wheel out that old chestnut? Talk about a stupid cop-out. Talk about delusional thinking. The "things will work themselves out" paradigm is the kind of self-limiting, irresponsible thinking that keeps many of us trapped in a reality we despise. It's akin to me buying all the materials, resources and tools I need to build a house, putting them all on my block of land and then standing back and waiting for the house to build itself. Houses don't build themselves and things don't work themselves out.
You're big now
It's your life right? Then you sort it out. You step up to the plate. You be totally responsible. You make the decisions. You take the chances. You do the work. You get uncomfortable. You face those fears. You learn what you need to. And stop looking for the approval and permission of others. You don't need it; you're big now. And if this all sounds like too much work or something you would rather place in the 'too hard' basket, then complain no more, lower your standards, downgrade your dreams a little and enjoy your carob.
M&M anyone?
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
P.S. Just found out that I will be hosting a four hour talk-back show on SEN (Sports Entertainment Network) here in Melbourne tonight (Monday) from 7-11 local time. The phone number is (03) 9429 1116 if you're up for an on-air chat. You can listen to the show by clicking here and following the links.
I have some good news for you today: you and I don't need to agree on everything for us to be friends. Phew, that's a relief. Now we can all relax and sleep easy. I feel better. You? In fact, I hope we don't always agree because if we do, that means at least one of us is living a lie, compromising our beliefs and being a people pleaser. My friendship with you is not dependant on agreement, compliance or identical beliefs so you can breathe a sigh of relief and continue being your weird, dysfunctional and non-conforming self. As will I. I'll accept you and respect you anyway. I'll even listen to your stupid ideas and tolerate your obviously flawed philosophy (wink). The good news for us weirdos is that there really is no 'weird' because there really is no 'normal'. Nice to know.
Relative Weirdness
Of course there is relative weirdness but not absolute weirdness because all weirdos are normal somewhere. And all normal people are weird somewhere else. That's kinda liberating isn't it? You weirdo.
Anyway...
Human Cloning. Kind of.
My friends challenge me, question me and disagree with me on a regular basis. As I do with them. Thankfully, I'm always right (another wink). I find it sad to see so many people who surround themselves with people who are just like them. It must somehow make them feel comfortable, confident and connected. If not, common. And just below the surface, compromised. Wow, that's a lot of C's. As a result, we see groups of clones (another C) who dress the same, talk the same, think the same, act the same and eventually, are the same. Publicly anyway. Wow, what a crap existence that would be. Even one Craig Harper is almost too many for the world. Just ask my parents. We really don't need a gang of Craigs roaming the planet. I annoy the crap out of me already. Acceptance into these cliques is usually dependant on compliance with group thinking, group behaviour and group standards.
An Unconditional Welcome
By the way, you're welcome on my site, welcome to be part of our on-line community, welcome to share your thoughts and welcome to be my cyber-friend no matter who you are or what you believe. All I require from you is courtesy, respect and a certain level of positivity. And you'll get the same from me. I may not always agree with you or buy into your philosophy (as you won't with mine) but I will respect you, consider your thoughts and enjoy your friendship nonetheless. True friendships are unconditional which is why a conditional friendship is not in fact a friendship, but an arrangement.
How Relationships Develop
Imagine a world where we all formed and developed our personal relationships based on things like personality, nature, spirit and natural connection (with that person), rather than common religious beliefs, identical thinking, mutual life philosophy, age, appearance, academic background, occupation, social status, financial situation, sexual orientation, skin colour or where we were born; kind of like young kids do... until they 'learn' how dangerous that kind of non-judgemental behaviour can be. It's a good thing we clever grown-ups can pass on all our issues, fears and intolerance to the next generation. Not.
Ticking Boxes
Consciously or not, intentionally or not, all too often our friends need to meet certain criteria to become part of our group. Why don't we hang out more with people who aren't like us? Well, perhaps we should but many of us avoid, or are critical of what we don't know, don't understand or are not familiar with. I had a conversation recently with a bloke who was being particularly scathing (I mean vicious) of a mutual friend and the religion she has recently become involved in. When I asked him what he knew about that religion (philosophy, theology, beliefs, teaching, history, principles, values), he mumbled some moronic answer because the truth was he actually knew nothing about the group of people he was criticising. The basis of his attack seemed to be fear. Fear of what he didn't understand. We humans do that. Pity. Imagine if we could replace the fear-based criticism (and widespread violence and hatred) with unconditional acceptance of each other's differences. That doesn't mean we need to share common beliefs and thinking (of course), but rather that we can accept, appreciate, respect and even love other people, despite our obvious and numerous differences. When I suggested (to Mr Nasty) that perhaps it's not a good idea for him to be publicly critical of something he knows nothing about, he turned his ignorant venom towards me. Of course he did. Hug anyone? Tolerance anyone?
Instant Relief
When we realise and accept that we will never please everyone, it can be something of a relief. Life instantly gets easier; both emotionally and practically when we let go of the need to please, conform, compromise, blend and be the same. It's not only liberating and empowering but potentially, transformational.
It's Okay; We're all Dysfunctional.
A few years ago I trained a lady who was a very successful psychologist. She produced great results with her clients/patients, was always in demand and had an outstanding reputation. Deservedly. One day, after working with her for a few weeks and getting to know her a little, I sensed that something was wrong. This particular day she seemed distracted, withdrawn and almost depressed. "How could she possibly be depressed or have emotional problems; she's the guru?", I asked myself. On a whim, I decided to take our training session outdoors so that we could have some privacy to chat if need be. Good decision Craig. What was to follow blew my socks off. Her one hour workout, turned into a two hour therapy session, with me being the therapist. Clearly, being a talented psychologist and having a great theoretical understanding of how us weird humans work (whoops, there is no weird) doesn't automatically translate to a lack of personal issues, problems or destructive habits. That day was liberating for me because for the first time I truly understood that we are all works in progress (yes, every single person on the planet), we're all flawed, we're all insecure about something and we're all dysfunctional on some level. Was she effective as a psychologist? Very. Did she battle with her own issues as much as anyone else? Yep. When we switch our goal from perfection (unachievable and unhealthy) to improvement (practical and healthy), we instantly take a huge amount of that self-created pressure off ourselves. For far too long (in my thirties) I privately felt that I shouldn't be a personal development speaker or writer because I didn't 'have it all together' and I hadn't 'figured it all out'. What a relief it was to let go of that self-limiting, self-imposed paradigm.
Enjoy your dysfunction... x
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi Groovers. Today's post could be more of a 'me-thinking-out-loud' process, than a specific life lesson for ya'll. Although, there are several lessons to be found if you look for them. In fact, for some of you, this article may prove to be very relevant and timely. If not, uncomfortable and confronting. In keeping with my commitment to limit my posts to a thousand(ish) words or less, I have decided to break this chat into two parts.
Exactly How Far Should I Open That Door?
As you might expect, having a website like this has provided me with a number of challenges, speed humps and lessons since Johnny and I breathed life into it two and a half years ago. Other than the obvious issue of finding the time, energy and creativity to produce four or five interesting and relevant articles every week of the year, answering a squillion emails and comments, ensuring the site looks okay and functions as it should - and making sure that I don't die of exhaustion in the process while travelling the country to work with various organisations, doing my media stuff and running a gym - there has been one ever-present issue which has challenged me more than all the other stuff: how much of me do I let my readers have and exactly how open, honest and transparent should I be? Not that I would lie or mislead, but perhaps there are things I simply shouldn't say or share? Is there a point where my honesty and my not-always-popular perspective could sabotage my potential to grow this site and to successfully develop a range of related programs, workshops and services? Yep, no doubt.
The Road Less Travelled
Of course there's the ever-present temptation to write what people want to hear, to win the popular vote, to wheel out the all-too-common personal development jargon and feel-good hyperbole, and to have a daily cyber-love-in with my readers via my comforting, warm and fuzzy words. But that would simply make me a fraud and I couldn't act that well for an extended period of time. Certainly not for two and a half years anyway. Nor would I want to. I also know that when it comes to having a real impact and helping people create life-long change - that is, a different reality forever (why we all come here) - what most of us want to hear, is often not what we need to hear. I figured that I could have gone for the comfortable, easy and popular (but ultimately frustrating) route, or I could opt for the less comfortable, less popular, brutally honest and much more effective path. "I can tell you what you want to hear, or I can tell you the truth."
Keeping it Real
So I made a decision early on here at me-dot-com that I would write exactly what I think and believe, irrespective of the potential fall out, popular opinion or conventional wisdom. Whatever that means. Not only is it more valuable, practical and realistic for you, but in my on-going commitment to create a better version of me, it keeps my head where it should be, stops me from compromising my values, standards and beliefs, helps me stay accountable, responsible and grounded and ensures that I will continue to evolve, grow, learn and unlearn as I need to. And yes, I have much to unlearn. Will I offend people, make mistakes and shoot myself in the foot? Already have. Many times. Have I learned from it? Yep. Will I continue to make mistakes? Yep, but not the same ones. Mostly. In fact, what many people don't realise about the whole personal development ride is that it is our preparedness to make mistakes, admit to them and then learn from them which is crucial to our development, the shaping of our character and the re-enforcement of our humility. Keeping in mind that arrogance, fear and self-righteousness prevent us from growing, learning and changing as we should.
Exactly Like Me but Different
We all have two versions of us don't we? There's the 'us' we let everyone see (public us) and there's the private us (or as some would say, the authentic us). And to a point, this separation is healthy and understandable. When it becomes unhealthy is when the public version of us is a complete fraud; when we're constantly pretending to be something we're not. Simply playing a role to conform, to fit in, to avoid conflict and to be liked. If only we liked ourselves enough to be us. And by playing a role we simply create a network of unhealthy and fraudulent relationships based on a series of lies. Without necessarily knowing it, our friends, family and colleagues are in a relationship with the 'character' we've developed, not us. Of course we can't have real relationships with people when we're not being our real selves.
How to Avoid Criticism
As someone who has a public profile (of sorts) and is relatively well known in the fish bowl that is Melbourne, I have discovered the hard way that I will never receive (nor would I expect) universal approval, support, acceptance, understanding or popularity no matter what I do or say or how hard I try to avoid stepping on toes or getting noses out of joint. While I have many good friends, colleagues and supporters, I also have my fair share of detractors. One of my teachers at college (Dr. Paul Callery) once told me, "if you never want to be criticised then say nothing, do nothing and be nothing." Great advice by the good Doc and being as I have no desire to be either still or quiet, I have had to learn to deal with the inevitable and frequent criticism that comes my way.
See you on the morrow for part two.
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
For those of you who have read my book Fattitude, you have already 'met' one of my favourite people; Jan Frazer. Jan is one of my trainers, has worked along side me at Harper's for about fifteen years and is sixty eight years young. She's a great trainer, gifted teacher, charismatic communicator, completely lovable chick and funny as hell. And no, she's not great for a sixty eight year-old; she's just great. Full stop. Her age is irrelevant. As it should be for all of us. She's fit, strong, intelligent, driven, compassionate and has amazing people skills. She's an inspired leader, role model and motivator who consistently produces great results with her clients. I've always been fascinated with Jan because she simply doesn't worry about what someone her age is 'meant to be doing' (I hate that term) and she's always doing things which would leave most thirty year-olds exhausted or intimidated. And no, this is not some feel-good, exaggerated, love-fest to make for an interesting article, it is a completely honest and accurate account of a woman nearing seventy who has a biological age of thirty three (yep, thirty three) and consistently produces incredible results in her world.
Mrs Hard Work
Sometimes when I'm mentoring someone who is hard work, I feel like walking them across the gym floor to meet Jan and saying something like, "Mrs Hard Work, I'd like you to meet Jan; she's twice your age, fitter, leaner, stronger, never complains, is tough as nails and has an infinitely better attitude that you've ever had... so suck it up Princess!!"
Too nasty? Perhaps I should do it anyway.
The Rules
Jan is completely unaffected by the rules. You know the rules; the 'what is and isn't appropriate for someone of your age' rules. I hate those rules. Always have. And don't think that just because the rules aren't written anywhere (formally), that they don't exist; they absolutely do. In fact, they pervade every area of our existence; our culture, our language, our corporations and our collective mindset. I find many of these rules to be destructive, disempowering and completely unwarranted. I could give you countless examples of how we disadvantage our more 'experienced' citizens with our stupid thinking, rules, expectations and standards but I don't want this to turn into an epic that you won't read. If we were to believe some experts, we might be forgiven for thinking that anyone over fifty should have one of those disabled stickers on their car and be wrapped in cotton wool. Personally, I intend to head back to college when I'm in my sixties to do my Masters and possibly a PhD. Not wishful thinking, a plan. I also hope that Jan will work with me for a least another decade or two.
The Psychology of Aging
Neither is it wishful thinking when I tell you that age (as we experience it in our culture) is more about psychology than it is about physiology. It's about much more than our body or how many years we've been here on the big blue ball; it's about how we think, act, communicate, work, socialise, recreate and love. That's why we see 'young' people in their seventies and 'old' people in their fifties or even forties - because years on the planet is only part of the age equation. Of course there is a physical consequence of time but many of us unnecessarily accelerate the aging process via our programmed ageist thinking, our poor choices, our stupid behaviours, our irresponsible diet, our sedentary lifestyle, our lack of exercise and our propensity to listen to the morons who tell us to grow old gracefully.
F*** that. I'll grow old disgracefully thanks.
Old Before Our Time
Sadly, many of us will get old before we should. I won't. And not because I'm genetically gifted but I choose not to get 'old' (in the way that many people allow themselves to age, that is). Even the term 'Acting Your Age' infers that we must fulfill some kind of pre-determined 'old' role. "How old am I? Okay, that's how 'old' I should act. Hmm, exactly what is appropriate behaviour for some my age?" It's ridiculous that we should somehow feel a need to conform to some standardised set of acceptable (and unacceptable) behaviours based on our chronological age.
Of all the mental barriers that we humans create for ourselves, the age thing has gotta be right up there on the 'stupid list'. The truth is that chronological age isn't our real problem, how we (the society) think about age (and subsequently behave) is the problem. Of course the years have a physical impact on us (especially when we don't maximise our genetics) but for the majority of us, age is more of a psychological issue than it is a physiological one.
As always, let me know your thoughts, say hi, send a little cyber-love or share a (brief) story.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Today I want to briefly discuss a topic which I get asked about often, is relevant to all of us and as a rule, seems to confuse many people; Recommended Daily Intakes (RDIs). That is, how much of this micro-nutrient (vitamin, mineral) or that macro-nutrient (protein, fat, carbohydrate) you and I should put in our body each day. Overall, this is a subject which is handled badly by many of the alleged experts who I believe, should know better. Let me say right off that for the most part, adhering strictly to some standardised, generic RDI's is a waste of time, if not, downright dangerous.
Imagine someone asks you this question:
"I will be driving my car tomorrow, can you tell me how much petrol (gas) I'll need for the day?"
You probably wouldn't say:
"Sure, tomorrow you will need exactly 4.5 litres (1 gallon) of petrol."
Of course you won't say that because you would need a lot more information before you could even begin to have an educated opinion or take a slightly informed guess as to the likely fuel requirements of that car, for that day. No, you would probably ask some questions like:
1. How far will you be driving? 2. How fast will you be driving?
3. Will you be driving continuously at a steady speed or will you be getting in and out of the car all day?
4. What kind of car is it? 5. Is it fuel injected? 6. Is it an old or new car?
7. Is it a little car, a big truck or something in the middle?
8. Will there be other people in the car? How many? 9. Will you be driving mostly on the flat, or perhaps up and down some hills? 10. Is it a four, six or eight cylinder car? 11. Is it a petrol, diesel or hybrid vehicle? 12. Has the car been serviced regularly and is it running well?
When we consider some of the obvious and logical questions we could ask the driver, we begin to realise that fuel requirements - be that petrol for a car or food for you and I - will typically vary from day to day. Just as it would be stupid to tell any driver that her car will require the same amount of petrol every single day, so to it is ridiculous to tell people that their body will function optimally on a fixed amount of calories, protein, fat, carbs, vitamins and minerals every day of their life. I will expand on this at some stage in the near future but today I just wanted to get you thinking and to open the door a little.
As always, feel free to comment, to say hello and to share some cyber-love with the gang. Even you non-commenting but regular reading scaredy cats.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
When it comes to creating life-long positive change in our world (that is, forever results), most people won't and don't - despite their constant attempts to re-invent themselves and ample access to an ever-increasing range of information, inspiration, resources, specialists and facilities to help them through the change process. That's not to say that they can't transform or don't have the potential for greatness and forever results, it just means that typically, they won't do it. And no, that's not some negative spin, it's a realistic snapshot of people's mindset, behaviours and results over the long term. Just take a look around. Most people know what to do, but for a range of reasons, don't do what they know. Not consistently anyway. Great at starting, crap at getting the job done. Most people who get motivated, lose focus. Most people who lose weight, regain it. Most people who get fit, get unfit. Most people who make a New Year's resolution have thrown in the towel by about now (January 15) and most people who give up that bad habit have done it twenty times before. Which means they've never really done it at all; they've just taken a temporary break.
Friends of Yours?
Here's a group of people that will continue to under-achieve and waste their time and talent unless they change their thinking and their behaviour. For good. I've worked with all of them at some stage. You might know some of them. You may even be some of them.
1. The Over-Thinker. We've all read about the Over-Thinker here at me-dot-com. She makes a regular appearance. She over-thinks, under-does and typically dies from analysis paralysis. She often has a facial expression which is a mix of constipation, confusion, desperation, exhaustion and fear. She will periodically have smoke coming from her ears and can often be seen talking to herself. Sometimes audibly. She may have a twitch. Her over-thinking will affect her physical health and reduce her lifespan by ten years. Or so.
2. The Procrastinator. The Procrastinator is always about to start something. If only he would. He is a world champion when it comes to almost doing things. Sadly, he will die waiting for the mythical right time.
3. The Rationaliser. The Rationaliser is first cousin of the Excuse Maker. They spend a lot of time together and as a result, look and sound very similar. The Rationaliser has an amazing ability to justify and explain her pathetic behaviour and consistently poor results. She is both delusional and entertaining.
4. The Reactor. The Reactor does just that; react. And usually badly.
5. The Defender. The defender will defend his actions, behaviours, results and mistakes, no matter what. He is arrogant, annoyingly self-righteous and a first cousin to the Blamer. He is an expert at responsibility transferal and shifting focus. He has the social appeal of herpes.
6. The Bullshitter. Never one to let the facts get in the way of a good story, the Bullshitter can be found in the workplace, the home, the sporting club, the gym and of course, where ever politicians hang out. Every family has at least one Bullshitter and while they can be somewhat amusing, they also prove to be tiresome and annoying; especially when alcohol is thrown into the mix. For some unknown reason, a disproportionate number of fathers over the age of fifty have a PhD. in bullshit. This phenomenon is still being investigated. In some cultures the Bullshitter is also known as the Wanker.
7. The Dreamer. It's great to dream but not when that's all you do. In order to produce positive and lasting change in our world we need to attach our dream to an action plan, wrap it in some logic and then turn it into a reality with some sweat, discipline, courage and commitment. Most dreamers have at least one tie-dye T-shirt in their wardrobe.
8. The Reminiscer. Aaaah those were the days. The Reminiscer is always reminding anyone stupid enough to listen about her historical exploits and achievements. How amazing she once was. And curiously, the older she gets, the better she was. If only the Reminiscer would pull her deluded head out of her (largely fictitious) past and invest some talent and energy into the 'now', she might just turn her sad life around. And stop annoying the rest of us.
9. The Genius. The Genius is insecure, loves to be heard and is compelled to demonstrate his intellectual and academic superiority as often as possible. Ironically, he's usually not that smart. While he may possess a moderate level of academic intelligence, he typically demonstrates zero emotional intelligence, has no social awareness to speak of and will take every opportunity to re-direct any conversation back to himself.
10. The Complicator. The Complicator has a gift for making the easy, hard. If there's a long way around, she'll find it. With her, the most simple task can become a major drama and a sixty second chat can easily be turned into a sixty minute hair-pulling exercise in frustration and confusion.
11. The Victim. The Victim is incredibly misunderstood. In his mind anyway. He sees himself as something of a martyr when in reality, he is a self-centred, attention seeking tool who wants sympathy not solutions. He is exhausting to be around and makes the Bullshitter seem almost appealing.
Yes, I was going to add one more but I thought I might leave number twelve up to you. Feel free to complete my list, share a comment or tell us about an experience... even you chronic lurkers.If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi Guys. Decided we would take a momentary break from our current series today. Just 'cos.Thought I'd share this little story from my recent break at the beach house instead. Enjoy your day, do what you need to, stop looking for easy and start doing effective. Group hug from Uncle Craig.
The Tale of the Bulging Disc
Recently I was at my beach house convalescing on my couch with a sore lower back; specifically a bulging disc. Aaah the joy of back pain. Thirty years of lifting heavy weights has taken its toll; especially the first five years when I didn't actually know what I was doing. But pretended I did. What massive ego? Anyway, there I was floundering like a big injured walrus on my special couch with my security blanket (remote) in my left hand, enjoying one of my fave shows when there was a knock at the door. I considered not answering it but I figured the visitor knew I was home by the sound of the TV, so I slowly and painfully made my way to the front door. Big baby. Am not, you are. There to greet me was a lady with a clipboard who (1) talked way too fast (2) asked me how I was but didn't actually listen to my answer (3) recited a well-rehearsed script without even looking at me and (4) was desperately trying to sell me on 'the cable TV deal of a lifetime'. Lucky me.
I'll Get Back to You
Being the relatively patient person that I am (there's a post just in that sentence), I stood there in pain (both physical and mental) for three minutes and allowed her to complete her sales pitch; a mindlessly boring monologue. Not particularly interested in the offer, not wanting to make it complex, not wanting to stand there for another minute in pain and not wanting to hurt her feelings, I opted for the old...
"Okay, leave me with some information and if I'm interested, I'll call you."
In hindsight, that was my big mistake.
She didn't leave. Clearly, she wasn't interested in that option. She was after a sale; a commitment of some kind. Apparently the uber deal was for one day only. Of course it was. And how lucky was I that she came to my house on that day. What are the chances?
"If you need an answer right now, then the answer is no" I said.
The woman's simulated friendliness started to dissipate a little and the pseudo smile began to look more like a snarl or perhaps a scowl.
"As I said, leave me something to read, I'll consider it and if I want to pursue it, I'll contact you."
Back to the Couch
She wasn't happy with that outcome. Begrudgingly, she left me a brochure and headed off to share the deal of a lifetime with one of my neighbours. Thank goodness. I slowly made my way back to the afore-mentioned sanctuary and plonked my sore and sorry self onto the world's most comfortable couch. Bliss. The back pain was just beginning to subside a little when I heard those familiar footsteps back on my porch.
"You're f***ing kidding me", I said audibly.
A knock on the door.
"Yes?" (from the couch). The relatively patient person is now being replaced by the relatively irritated bloke with the sore back.
SALES LADY(SL): (from behind the closed door) "Can I speak with you?" CH: "You already have."... Aaaah crap. I get up from my favourite couch for the second time in ten minutes. I walk slowly to the door and open it. CH: "Hello again" SL: "Sorry, I forgot to get your contact information, can I have your phone number please?" CH: "No you can't" SL: (Not sure what to do or say) "er, I just need it for my records" CH: "You won't be getting it" SL: "Why?" CH: "Because I choose not to give it to you" (not intending to be rude, just straight forward) SL: "But I don't want you to miss out on any deals that we might have coming up" (she wasn't going down without a fight) CH: "You don't want me to miss out? Let's be honest, you don't know me or care about me, you just want to make a sale and earn a commission. SL: (looks shocked) CH: I understand your desire and motivation to sell me something but don't under estimate your potential customers intelligence by pretending that you care about them personally. When you ask me for my phone number, you're making a request and that's fine. When I decline and you ask why I won't give it to you, then you're harassing me and doing yourself and your organisation a disservice. When I say no, you should thank me for my time and walk away." SL: "But I just need if for my records." (clearly not the sharpest tool in the shed) CH: "I tell you what, you give me your home phone number and I'll give you mine." SL: "Pardon?" CH: "Yep, I like to get the home phone number of every stranger who comes to my door. Just in case."
And with that, the rude, pushy lady who didn't look, listen or pay attention was off. And she didn't utter one more word to me as she walked away. And I thought she cared. How dare I point out her extremely flawed sales technique and atrocious people skills. I should have simply signed up.
The Lesson?
I'm sure you all know this but just in case you've forgotten, I want to remind you that (1) it's okay to say no to people - wise even, (2) you don't need to rationalise, justify or explain yourself to everyone - you're not ten any more, (3) sometimes there's a fine line between being nice (understanding, patient, caring) and being used, manipulated and disrespected, (4) when all else fails, be brutally blunt and (5) people will only treat you the way you let them.
Have you had an experience like this? What did you learn? Love to hear your thoughts on this topic... even you chronic lurkers. If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi guys, we're nearly done with the current series (and the group breathes a collective sigh of relief). I apologise if the last week(ish) of posts has seemed in any way self-indulgent; it wasn't intended to be. I just felt that it was important for me to put on record 'how I work'. I receive many emails from people who want to know how I personally live my life. Tomorrow will be the final in this (very sensible) series and then I promise I'll do my very best to be irreverent, politically incorrect and completely offensive. People get offended anyway, so I may as well give them a reason! On with the show....
Principle 9: Generosity. Being generous simply means giving unconditionally; with no agenda, no self-serving strategy, no resentment and no hesitation. Despite conventional thinking, generosity doesn't necessarily have anything to do with the giving of money or material gifts. Although it may. Some of the most generous people have little to give financially but they find a way to impact the lives of others and make people happy by giving of their time, skills, attention, energy and their selfless love. While it's sensible and practical for us to have personal goals and a plan for our own lives (of course), it's also imperative that we take time to invest in others and to regularly shift the focus from our own needs and wants to the needs of others. It's important for us to step back from the small picture (our life) and soak in the big picture; humanity. Selfish people are miserable people.
*Note: Don't confuse being generous with being used, abused, manipulated or controlled. I will never be a doormat, but I will be a strong, compassionate, generous person. Who periodically cries in stupid dog movies.
Principle 10. To laugh often. I love laughing. At almost anything. At school I got in trouble hundreds of times for laughing when I shouldn't have. And yes, this was reflected in my report cards. "Craig has a propensity to be easily distracted and is not always a good influence on other students". So not fair. I find some grown-ups to be boring, uninspiring and periodically, depressing. I have worked with (coached) many 'successful' people who haven't laughed in years. What's the point? When there's no joy, there's no life; just an existence.
Having visited some very poor cultures, I can tell you with some certainty that happiness and the ability to laugh is not dependant on one's bank balance, marital status, body-weight, wardrobe or address. The happiest group of people I've ever spent time with live on a tiny Island called Espiritu Santo (an island of Vanuatu); no electricity, no television, no modernisation, very little money and not an iPod to be seen! Just a bunch of singing, clapping, laughing, three-stringed guitar playing, loving people. When we're laughing, we're happy. And when we're happy our body is producing happy, healthy, healing hormones - so why wouldn't we laugh? It's good for our immune system (that's a fact). When we're laughing we're fun to be around and we're infinitely more attractive. Grumpy people; ugly. Physically, emotionally, mentally, socially and professionally, the benefits of laughing are numerous. When we were kids we laughed just because we could. It didn't have to make sense. Sometimes we need less logic and maturity and more laughter.
Principle 11.To Maximise what I have. I've always been a person who wanted to get the most out of myself; my mind, my body, my potential, my relationships, my opportunities, my career, my spiritual life... all of it. I always say to my audiences, "I don't care how much potential you have, I care how much of it you use". It's not about what you've got; it's about what you do with what you've got. And the sad reality is that the vast majority of people never even scrape the surface of their potential or their possibilities. They spend the majority of their lives rationalising, justifying and explaining why they're not doing the things they would, could and should. Always about to start, never actually doing. Keep in mind that there's rarely a perfect time but there's always a perfect attitude. I won't die with my music still in me.
You?
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Hi Team, I hope you had a great weekend. I hosted a three hour radio show on SEN, ate more food than I probably should have, read a little, went for a motorbike ride up into the hills, did zero exercise, watched some sport from the comfort of my big-ass couch and saw the saddest film ever - if you're a dog person that is - Marley and Me. Let's just say there was no shortage of snot, tears and tissues at my local cinema on Saturday night. The alpha-male nearly dislocated his spleen trying to hold back the tears. I failed. There were indeed tears. An abundance of them. And snot. It's official; I'm a big girly-man. Okay, it's not the best movie I've ever seen but it did manage to take us all on something of an emotional roller coaster. I came out frickin' exhausted. Anyway, enough about my less-than exciting personal life. Today we're continuing on with ourcurrent series...
Principle 7. Get out of the way! Without doubt, I have always been my biggest barrier to success. For a time, it was a major challenge for me to learn how to get out of my own way. Yep, I have been both the problem and the solution and when I eventually stopped finding new and exciting ways to waste my time, talent, energy and potential, I actually started to achieve some pretty amazing stuff. While I have been confronted with numerous external, not-created-by-me challenges over my journey (as we all have), it's fair to say that my biggest challenges have mostly come from within; the infamous internal saboteur. A.K.A. my mind. Oh yes; too fat, too uneducated, too stupid and of course, not talented enough. And you thought you were the only one. Oh no my friends; it's a pretty large club. While I'm a little more evolved, educated, confident and aware these days, there was a time when I would shoot myself in the foot, if not the head, on a daily basis. Although I see him less and less these days, the insecure fat kid still resurfaces from time to time just to remind me how inadequate, talent-less and deluded I am. Gotta love the fat kid.
Principle 8. Humility. The moment we start to lose our humility is the moment we start to lose perspective, objectivity, teach-ability and appeal. For me, arrogance is the least desirable human trait. It leads to so many other undesirable and destructive outcomes, ranging from minor arguments and social disconnection through to intimidation, intolerance, abuse and even violence. We see this not only in personal relationships but also between various organisations, companies, religious groups and of course, countries. Take a peek at the news tonight and you'll see what I mean. Humble people don't feel the need to be right, they don't have to constantly prove themselves and they are a joy to be around. Fortunately, I have always had people like Marj around me to help me stay grounded, humble and practical.
*Note: Don't confuse humility with weakness. They are very different things. Some humble people are very strong, powerful and even aggressive (in a good way) when they need to be. And conversely, some arrogant people are actually quite weak, insecure and fearful.
As usual, let me know your thoughts and if you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
G'dayRockstars. Continuing on with our current series today. Hope you're getting something out of it. Enjoy your Friday and have a spectacular weekend.
Principle 6. Pain is a Great Teacher (if I choose to learn).
Last week I watched Olivia Newton-John being interviewed on TV. She was discussing, among other things, her battle with breast cancer. At one point the interviewer asked her how people reacted (around her) when she received the news of her illness. While people responded in a variety of ways, it was a Buddhist monk friend of hers who offered a unique insight and less-than-typical reaction. When they bumped into each other his first words to her were, "congratulations, now you will begin to grow ". What! In a situation where the majority would be offering condolences, sympathy and even tears, the monk was telling Lovely Livvy what a great opportunity for personal growth lay ahead. And while she may not necessarily have shared his enthusiasm or insight initially, the bloke in the kaftan proved to be something of a prophet because that's exactly what happened; she grew. Incredibly. The experience of cancer forced her to grow, learn, unlearn, adapt, develop strength and change from the inside out. As it does with many people. It's a pity some of us wait until we're backed into a corner before we choose to learn and change. ONJ says it was the most important and valuable lesson of her life. She also asserts that she changed, evolved and grew more in a short space of time than she had in the preceding fifty (or so) years.
Victim or Student?
So, do we need to experience pain to learn? No. Is it a great teacher? The best. It can be anyway; if we're teachable and if we let it be. But we must consciously choose to learn rather than be the stereo-typical victim. Too many of those already. We must find the lesson. We must seek personal growth, not sympathy or attention. It can be the beginning of the end, or it can be the beginning of enlightenment, awareness and massive emotional shift. It all depends how we respond; what we do with it. One person will fall, another will soar. Why? Different response. Of course fear plays a big part in what we avoid and what we embrace but remember, situations, circumstances and challenges don't create (or perpetuate) fear, we do. Fear comes from within, not without. Something external might be the catalyst (the trigger) but we are the creator. That's why two people can be confronted with the same challenge - spending time in prison perhaps - and one will slide into a life of crime, violence and periodic incarceration while the other will change his mindset, accept responsibility for past mistakes, embrace new (better) behaviours, make different decisions and subsequently produces a much different result; an amazing life. Why? Because it's not about the situation, it's about the individual's response.
Types of Pain
By the way, when I use the term 'pain' here, I am not (for the most part) speaking of physical pain. I am talking about anything which creates a fear response or makes us uncomfortable; be that mentally, emotionally, socially, spiritually or other. Pain can mean something as significant as dealing with a life-threatening illness or something as minor as resolving an issue with a work colleague - they are both opportunities to learn.
Some Necessary Pain
Just as we can't 'go through the motions' at the gym and expect to see growth or positive change, neither can we do that in life. When does our body change at the gym? When it has to. When we give it a reason to. No discomfort, no change. We get uncomfortable via lifting, running, punching, stretching and so on, and our body's response is to adapt to the 'pain' (physical stress). The net result of that self-inflicted discomfort is greater speed, power, endurance, strength, lower blood pressure, less fat, more muscle and improved overall health and function; all symptoms of personal growth and positive change. All the result of experiencing (not avoiding) a level of (good) pain.
In Search of Pain?
So am I suggesting that we go in search of pain? Nope. What I am suggesting is that what scares us, often teaches us. What I am suggesting is that by confronting our fears - rather than avoiding them like the majority do - we can grow, learn, improve, evolve, develop new skills and experience a shift in our thinking, consciousness and awareness. We'll also produce much better results. Too many of us want the destination (the prize, the reward) without the journey (the work, the pain, the effort). But the irony is that the journey is the prize! People who win a million dollars invariably lose it and learn nothing about creating or maintaining wealth because there has been no pain, no lesson, no growth - just the prize. "Give a man a fish and you feed him for a day, teach him how to fish and you feed him for a lifetime."
Right, I'm off to hurt myself on the Bench Press.
Let me know your thoughts Groovers and if you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
Hi Team. Well, it seems that the eye candy from yesterday's post (see photo) was met with universal approval. You know I'm here to help, girls. The picture was so well received that some of you didn't actually get around to reading my post. Sigh. Hope you are enjoying your Thursday and being the change you want to see in your world. FYI, I just inhaled two ginger bread men (my new vice) and I'm feeling pretty darn good about myself. They were organic of course. And as we all know, ginger bread men are pretty much all protein. I don't know how the clever people at the bakery squeeze so much goodness into those little guys. I almost feel guilty biting their squishy little heads off. Almost.
Before I continue on with the third installment of the current series, I wanted to address a minor issue which arose from yesterday's post. In discussing my history, I was not suggesting that there is anything wrong with being committed to one's training (I train daily and own a gym!), neither was I criticising bodybuilders, figure competitors, elite athletes or any other person committed to a lifestyle of health, wellness and fitness. What I was saying is that when almost every waking moment and thought is invested in, or preoccupied with, how we look, there's a problem. No shit Sherlock. And that was my reality for a time. As long as our identity, self-esteem, confidence and happiness are dependant on our appearance and the approval of others, we will always be predisposed to misery, anxiety and insecurity. After all, our body is just where we live for the time being. When bodybuilding (or any endeavour) shifts from 'what you do', to 'who you are', then there's a problem. That's all.
Okey doke, on with the show...
Principle 5: Life is not predetermined; it's me determined.
I've never been one to sit on my hands waiting for some cosmically pre-ordained life purpose to miraculously reveal itself via a series of dreams, visions or prophecies. Or for an angel to appear at my window with some hand-written instructions from God. An angel would be pretty cool though. Neither have I ever been the type to buy into the widely-held view of destiny (I do believe in decisions however) and I've always considered (the concept of) fate to be the refuge of the indecisive, the lazy, the fearful and the deluded. But that's just my (not very popular) paradigm.
Destiny
People talk about destiny all the time. Especially when they're talking about big-picture life stuff. Or when they're rationalising why something didn't (or won't) eventuate. "Don't worry Love; it's not meant to be". The term destiny seems to have an almost romantic, mystical, feel-good kind of vibe about it. "That was always going to be her destiny" (as the orchestra starts to fire up in the background). So it seems that no matter what 'she' did (thoughts, behaviours, reactions, decisions) her life, or part thereof, was predetermined by destiny;it was always going to unfold in a certain way. Despite her, not because of her. Apparently some unknown, cosmic force was firmly behind the steering wheel of her life. She didn't really have to touch the controls because her life path (destiny) was pre-set and non-negotiable. Am I the only person who considers this to be a load of self-limiting, mumbo-jumbo crap? Am I missing something obvious?
Beyond our Control
One of the most disempowering and destructive notions for us incredible beings to embrace is the traditional concept of destiny. Why? Because it teaches us that life, and what we might do, be, create and achieve in that life, is somehow beyond our control. Some people embrace it however because it takes pressure off them to steer their ship, shape their own future and be responsible for the results they do and don't produce in their world. Take a look at what conventional 'wisdom' teaches us about destiny:
De-sti-ny(noun):
1) The predetermined, usually inevitable or irresistible, course of events. 2) The inevitable or necessary fate to which a particular person or thing is destined; one's lot. 3) A predetermined course of events considered as something beyondhumanpower or control.
We may as well all sit on the couch and let life happen to us, around us and despite us... because apparently it's all gonna eventuate anyway. It's predetermined. It's inevitable. We're all just helpless passengers on destiny's back. I wish someone had shared this with me earlier; I wouldn't have wasted so much time making all those decisions, taking all those chances, facing my fears, dealing with my destructive habits, overcoming all those obstacles, working so hard and busting my ass to create an amazing life.
And people believe that shit? Give me a bucket.
I'll create my own destiny thanks.
See you tomorrow when I tell you who my greatest teacher is.
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P.S. Sorry I'm not getting through these points as quickly as I had anticipated. Some days it will be two or three points, other days will be one. Love to hear your thoughts on this topic, so click on the comment thingy - even you newbies! x
G'day Groovers Following on from the first bit yesterday, I thought it might be a good idea to bring you the second bit today; clearly all those writing courses have paid off. If I'm getting too technical for you at any stage, let me know and I'll slow it down a little. Okay, on with point four...
4. My body is not who I am; it's where I live. This principle will resonate for some of you, and be of little or no interest to others. For me, it was a truth I needed to learn and live. For a significant period of my life, I invested way too much time, energy and thought into my body, my training and my diet. And not in a good way. My body was my identity; where I gained my sense of self worth, confidence, power. Pathetic I know. But honest. There was a time (late teens and early twenties) when my appearance (how buffed I was) was pretty much the most important thing to me. I'm ashamed and embarrassed to say it, but it's true. When the fat, socially-invisible kid loses weight and as a result gains acceptance, respect and even popularity, he learns at an early age that appearance is very, very important. He learns that if lean is good, then leaner must be fantastic. He learns obsession. Having a 'body' as your identity is not only stupid, but it's also emotionally exhausting, debilitating and destructive. The ego doesn't give a shit about you (real you); it only wants the attention and approval of others and it will ruin you to get it. As a young dysfunctional bodybuilder, I constantly obsessed about how big (and lean) I was. It would only take a "you look like you've lost weight (muscle) Craig" comment, for me to spiral into the emotional abyss.
One day when I was about twenty three, I had a moment. I was standing in the bathroom shaving. I was wearing a pair of jeans and nothing else. My house mate walked in to tell me something and this is what transpired:
HM: "Hey, have you.... (pauses, looks me up and down)... you're f***ing huge. What the f*** have you been doing? How f***ing big do you wanna get? (sure, he had some swearing issues) CH: "A little bigger" HM: "You're a dickhead, bigger where?" CH: "Arms, shoulders.. I want a little more width" HM: "You're f***ed in the head"
* Blokes can talk to each other like that. Especially mates.
My house mate walked off and left me there looking and thinking. In a rare moment of clarity and sanity, I finally gained some perspective; I was huge. I weighed about one hundred kilos (220 lbs) and I was carrying less than ten percent body-fat. For a moment I saw myself for what I was; a big muscular, irrational, dickhead. "Now what?", I asked myself. "I'm huge.... and?" Whatever I thought I would feel when I got that big, I didn't feel it. All of a sudden I felt stupid. I didn't know it then but I now understand that I was experiencing a shift in consciousness and the beginning of awareness.
The next day I went for my first run in years (something a body builder would never do). Over the following twelve months I lost twenty kilos (44lbs) of excess ego (muscle) and found me.
Ciao x If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
I often get asked about my life philosophy. That is, my own fundamental beliefs and core principals for living, being and functioning while I'm here on the Big Blue Ball. Rather than trying to blurt out something profound in one brief article here on me-dot-com, I thought I might share my philosophy and thoughts with you over the course of a few days.Or maybe weeks. We'll see how we go. I have decided to share two or three of my principals for living in each post. Keep in mind that these are things that I have found to work for me and which represent my beliefs, standards, understanding, values and purpose. I'm not suggesting that they should be universally embraced or that they will necessarily be effective or appropriate for everyone. We all need to find our own truth and path. Okay, here we go...
1. Happiness comes from letting go of that which makes me unhappy. For far too long I chased happiness, fulfilment and inner peace like a rabid dog chases a cat. The irony being that the harder I tried, the further I seemed to be from genuine happiness; that constant sense of joy, peace and calm that comes from deep within. Sure I experienced moments of euphoria, but it was always short-lived. My conditioning growing up (conversations, environments, education, media, music, other people) taught me that happiness was something which needed to be pursued. This principal (of letting go) is so simple, so profound and so effective that people who apply it can change their life (specifically, their internal reality) almost instantly. However, it can take a while for us to truly grasp and live this principal in a practical day-to-day sense - especially when we live in a collective mindset and culture which teaches the opposite - that happiness comes from striving and chasing. For some people a lifetime of striving and chasing has equated to little more than decades of stress, pressure and anxiety. For some of us the time has come to simply let go of the internal baggage that has kept us trapped in a self-created emotional prison for far too long. We can strive towards a sexier body, we can strive towards a great exam result and we can strive towards financial success, but none of those things will guarantee happiness. Striving is all about the external and that's not where real happiness is found. The Buddhists believe that striving is actually the antitheses of happiness. I tend to agree.
2. To have the mind of a teacher and the heart of a student. Excuse the cheesey-ness of this expression but it does represent what's important to me. While I feel that part of my life purpose is to teach, encourage, challenge and lead people, my life experience always keeps me mindful that I really don't know much at all. Of all there is to know, I don't know or understand the majority of it. And I tend to avoid those that think they do. Having the heart of a student and being committed to life-long learning helps me stay grounded, humble and realistic, and being able to teach others along the way is for me, a privilege.
3. To discover my own truth. For far too long in my younger life, I let others tell me what to believe; I simply adopted their truth. In an effort to fit it and belong, I allowed (yes, it was my fault) too many people have way too much power and influence over my life. I soon discovered how conditional and temporary the membership to that 'club' was when I started to ask questions, disagree with people and think for myself. How dare I not be a sheep. Some people seem to delight in imposing their beliefs, thinking, standards, values and even their fears on the rest of us. They will 'love' you, encourage you and support you; as long as you embrace their (version of the) truth. That's what we call conditional love isn't it? And of course someone who loves you conditionally doesn't really love you at all. Just for the record, I don't want you to believe anything I write because you think I write well, I'm trustworthy or because you respect me as a person. No, all I ever want you to do here at me-dot-com is consider my thoughts and ideas, weigh them up, put them to the test and see if they resonate with you. Too many personal development writers have a need to be right; I'm not one of them. In fact, I am wrong on a regular basis and like you, I'm a work in progress. By the way, you and I don't need to share the same thoughts, beliefs, values, standards or truth to be able to connect and have a meaningful relationship. I have many friends who I disagree with on a regular basis. Fortunately, the health of those relationships is not dependant on universal agreement or compliance.
See You Tomorrow Grasshoppers x
* If you're not sure how to leave a comment, clickhere.
PS. I am doing a four hour radio shift on SEN (Sports Entertainment Network) this morning (Tuesday) between 6 and 10am Melbourne time. If you are interested and you read this in time, you can take a listen here. You may need to click on the 'listen online' link (top right). Ciao.
Hello Grasshoppers, I'm back! Happy 2009 to you from me.
A little R and R for the big fella and I'm feeling brand new and just a little bit cheeky. Christmas and New Year were pretty low-key for the non-drinking, excitement machine (me) but a good time was had nonetheless. Even though I was invited to a few New Year's Eve parties, I actually spent the night by myself for the first time and totally loved it. While the idea of hanging out with a bunch of drunk people talking mindless crap and falling down was kind of appealing, I managed to resist. Today's post looks at a really relevant and interesting topic for this time of year but it's somewhat long, so you may want to get a cuppa before you get under way.
The Story of the $800 Jeans
I recently watched a presentation given by a journalist (Benjamin Wallace) who had taken an extensive look at the way people shop; what they buy, why they buy, how much they spend and why some people are prepared to part with obscene amounts of money for the supposed 'top shelf' versions of every day items (jeans, wine, olive oil, beds, coffee). His talk was essentially an exploration into the psychology of shopping. I laughed as he (the journalist) expressed his disappointment at test-driving a pair of $800 jeans which looked, felt and 'performed' the same as his $50 jeans. Not only was there no discernible difference (to him), but over an entire week of wearing his new expensive duds, not one person complimented him on how amazing he (or they) looked. "Then, what's the point?", he asked.
I know the Feeling
I identified with this story because I was given an expensive pair of jeans for a birthday a few years back. While I appreciated the gift and wore them gratefully, I had no idea that they were expensive until someone (some months later) saw the label and complimented me on owning a pair of that particular brand of jeans. I nearly fell over. Of all the things to be complimented on, the brand of my jeans wasn't high on my list. I was amazed that they could be impressive to someone. To me, they were simply one of the five (or so) pairs that I owned. No better or worse than any of my other ($50) jeans.
What Logic?
I was extremely interested in Wallace's study and subsequent report as I have a fascination in this area; the value we place on labels. Having worked with a broad socio-economic cross-section of people over the last two and a half decades has given me a great opportunity to observe 'shopping behaviour' and the rationale behind those purchases first hand. Like my client who would never buy a pair of shoes unless they cost at least a thousand dollars because "they couldn't be any good otherwise". Or the forty-something guy who bought himself a high-powered Ducati motorbike even though he was a complete novice with no riding experience or skills. When I (an experienced motorcyclist) advised him to buy a different (cheaper, safer, slower, more appropriate, learner-friendly) bike, he didn't want to hear about it. He was only interested in the look and the label of the bike; he wanted to be a Ducati owner no matter what.
300 Kilometres Later...
When he got the bike it absolutely scared the crap out of him (because he couldn't ride it); as I knew it would. I had to ride it home from the dealership for him. He rode it three times (in a year), put 300 kilometres (180 miles) on the clock and then sold it for $9,000 less than the purchase price. He was in love with the 'theory' of a Ducati but not the practical reality. He had bought an image, an idea, a brand. A delusion. And as so many of us do from time to time, he let his ego run the show, dictate his behaviours and waste his money. He wanted to be a Ducati owner and rider so much that his emotion (need to be cool, popular, desirable, respected, tough, macho) temporarily over-shadowed his intelligence, common sense, fear and his obvious lack of riding ability.
Label Lunacy
People who shop for particular labels and brands rather than individual products which will suit a purpose or meet a need, have always intrigued me. It's no revelation to hear that some people are devoted to, if not completed addicted to, owning certain brands and labels - and not because of the actual product but because of the perceived prestige (acceptance, approval, recognition, popularity) that comes from owning, wearing, drinking, driving that particular label or brand. Don't believe me? Hang out with some teenagers for a while and see what it means to own the right shoes, jeans, jacket, MP3 player, phone, etc.
A Hypothetical:
Imagine if you and I took the latest, never-seen-before, $100,000 BMW coupe and we re-branded it as a Hyundai for its launch into the market place. Not only do we re-brand it as a Hyundai but we also reduce the price by forty percent, so now we have a $100,000 BMW selling for $60,000 in Hyundai clothing - so to speak. So the exact same car (motor, technology, interior, exterior, performance, quality) which would have sold strongly as an expensive BMW is now being offered to the same potential buyers at just over half the price - as a less prestigious and less desirable brand. Of course we can't say for sure what would happen, but I'll take an educated guess and let me know if you concur...
1. Most 'BMW shoppers' won't even consider the new 'Hyundai' product - even if it comes highly recommended. They will let their feelings get in the way of the facts; the fact that it's actually a BMW in every way except for the badge on the front. Their bias against 'less prestigious' brands won't allow them to even walk into a Hyundai showroom and their ego won't allow them to save $40,000. They would rather pay $100,000 for the SAME product, so long as they can be seen driving a Beemer. The ego is a very powerful thing and haven't the marketing folk made that fact work for them over the years?
2. Most general new-car shoppers won't consider the new $60,000 two-door Hyundai because they perceive it to be too expensive for that brand. No matter how good the actual product (car) is. As a result, the re-badged BMW doesn't sell strongly and dies a sad and lonely death within two years of its launch. Never to be seen again. Consequently, a generation of car drivers will miss out on the automotive luxury bargain of the decade because of brand bias, stupidity and ego.
Emotional Shoppers
Of course, it's no revelation for me to tell you that when it comes to how and where we spend our money, we are often emotional and irrational beings. And yes, the marketing and branding gurus have been benefiting from, and maximising this knowledge for years. It's their goal to evoke an emotional response (feeling, reaction, decision) from you and I so that we will buy, no matter how much we don't need, or can't really afford, whatever it is they're selling. To them, common sense is the enemy; that's why they always tell us that we 'deserve' their product. Of course we don't actually need a four hundred inch flat screen television, but as they quite rightly point out, you and I have worked incredibly hard lately and why shouldn't we reward ourselves with a ridiculously large TV? Imagine how much better our lives will be when we get that bad boy up on the wall. Just look at the couple in the advertisement... they seem very happy.
Back to the Presentation...
During his presentation, Wallace spoke of a study that was conducted at Stanford University in early 2008, where a group of subjects sampled two different wines; a cheaper wine ($20 bottle) and a more expensive wine (over $100). They then reported their feedback to the researchers. For this study the participants knew the value of each of the wines and as you might expect, the vast majority scored the expensive wine highest, in terms of taste and pleasure, and the cheap wine at the other end of the scale. In order to make the study even more scientifically valid and objective, the researchers conducted MRIs on the participants to see if their perceived enjoyment (of each wine) correlated with what was happening physiologically in their brain. And guess what? It did. The wine which they perceived to taste the best and give them the most pleasure actually created a comparable pleasure response in their brain. And of course, the cheap wine showed the opposite; a lower level pleasure response. Now, all those results are interesting but what's totally fascinating is that the two wines (the cheap and the expensive) were actually.... the same wine! There was no cheaper or more expensive version; they were both a relatively cheap wine.
Doh!!
That's right, not only do we have the capacity to create our own pleasure and pain but we also have the ability (via our thoughts, beliefs and expectations) to actually create significant bio-chemical changes in our brain. In other words, we can think ourselves to pleasure. Or misery. Literally. Our beliefs create our reality - even when it comes to the pleasure a cheap wine can give us.
My Budget Wardrobe
A few weeks ago I did one of my regular TV gigs for the show I work on; 9AM with David and Kim. For the segment, I wore some jeans, a pair of boots and a new short-sleeved shirt. A friend of mine who is a self-confessed clothes snob and fashion aficionado informed me that "I looked great." Here's a snapshot of the conversation we had:
Friend (F): "Hey, saw you on TV this morning, you looked great. Gorgeous shirt, that colour really suits you. Is it new?" (I was still wearing the same clothes) CH: "Thanks. Yep, new shirt. Bought it all by myself!" F: "Well done, where did you get it?" (trying to get an idea of its cost and whether or not she should like it!) CH: "Some shop in the city." (I actually bought it at Target) F: "Was it expensive?" (knew that was coming) CH: "Not too bad; it was reduced from $150.00 to $90.00." (complete lie, it cost $25.00!) F: (now with a look of approval on her face) "Wow, that's cheap for a nice shirt like that. Good shopping by you. It makes such a difference when you wear quality clothes. And the jeans, they're nice..."(searching for some more info) CH: "Yeah, picked them up when I was in the States earlier this year. They were on special for a hundred and forty bucks." F: "Wow, that's good value for nice jeans like those." CH: "Now, do you want the bad news?" F: "What?" CH: "The shirt cost me twenty five bucks at Target." F: "Did not." CH: "Yep, it did and my expensive jeans actually cost me forty five bucks at the same store and my boots were a freebie from the good folk at 'Caterpillar'; I did a gig for them recently. So my entire outfit, including socks and jocks, cost me less than eighty bucks." F: (look of disbelief on face)
Needless to say, the revelation of the cost and origin of my ensemble changed the dynamics and the tone of the conversation instantly. When I pointed out the obvious fact that she had been sucked into the mindset of 'dearer always equals better', she didn't want to hear about it. I was informed that I "just don't get it". All of a sudden my "gorgeous shirt" wasn't nearly as appealing. And of course we all know you can't buy "gorgeous" for twenty five bucks.
So why do (some) people do it?
Most of us have a preference for certain labels or brands because of positive experiences we've had with particular products over the years - that's understandable (intelligent even) and not what I'm talking about today. No, I'm talking about people who have an unhealthy and irrational desire to own certain labels no matter what. I'm talking about people who won't even consider another less-expensive label - even if that label is of comparable or identical quality to the more desirable label. I'm talking about people who love to be seen drinking the expensive wine, even when it tastes like crap. And I'm talking about the person who puts him or her self under huge financial pressure to buy the car that they really can't afford and definitely don't need.
On some level, Label Shoppers believe that ownership of a particular product will meet some kind of need in them. And they're right. For a day. Because that's about how long it will be before they will need to shop again. Amazingly, those $800 jeans won't lead to life-long nirvana or universal approval or acceptance. Who'da thought? By the way, the need they have is emotional, not practical. Nobody needs thousand dollar (plus) shoes, but people want to be associated with certain labels because somewhere along their journey they've learned that ownership of said labels will equate to attention, approval and acceptance; what they're really after.
The Why Behind the What
So again, it comes back to the 'why' behind the 'what'. What they want is the label, but why they want it is the key to this puzzle. Consciously or not, many (many) people don't believe that they're good enough - that is, smart enough, pretty enough, desirable enough, lean enough or interesting enough. And as a consequence they will endeavour to make up for their perceived shortcomings with desirable accessories and assets; stuff to impress their peers. "They'll like me more if I'm driving this car, wearing these clothes, living in that house or owning that gadget."
As for me, thankfully most of my friends love me unconditionally - even in my twenty five dollar Target shirt, my very cheap jeans and the boots I didn't pay for.
*Let me know your thoughts on this post by clicking on the comment thingy. If you have a history of lurking in the blogosphere and keeping your thoughts to yourself, I'm personally inviting you come out of the darkness and into the light in 2009. Say hi to the rest of us - we don't bite.
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Well, we've done it. You and I have survived another year here at me-dot-com. Who would have thought that the ex-bouncer and attention-seeking ex-fat kid with limited ability, a propensity to digress and the tact of a sledgehammer could actually keep anyone's attention for more than five minutes. Well amazingly, I have. In two years we've gone from zero readers to almost 100,000 per week, been read in over one hundred countries, had articles translated into numerous languages, made five thousand mistakes along the way, offended a few people, inspired a few people and had a shit-load of fun doing it all. Johnny (web-guru-dude) and I have loved every minute of it. Okay, most minutes.
Thanks
Now you know that I'm not one for the lame-ass insincere, superficial slop and fluff so I'll avoid that, but I will take this opportunity to thank all of you for helping me to become a better writer, coach and teacher in 2008. You keep me on my toes. I have worked incredibly hard this year to become a better version of me, in part so that I might help you to become the new-and-improved version of you. Your encouragement, support, feedback and cyber-love has given me tremendous drive, confidence and reason to keep doing what I do here. Your comments and emails help me stay motivated and focused to keep doing my best to produce not only the quantity, but also the quality of content appropriate for a resource such as this. Being the only writer (many sites like this have several contributors) is often exhausting but overall, very satisfying and worthwhile. The fact that I still have so much to learn as a writer and teacher keeps me hungry, passionate, excited and driven and I look forward to growing with you in 2009.
Live, Laugh, Love and Learn
As objective as I can be about my own site, I genuinely feel that we (and I mean we) have created something special here; an online classroom and community of people who (for the most part) genuinely want to live, laugh, love and learn (our mission statement). A place where we can all hang out, interact, share, observe, peek into the lives of others and be part of something bigger than us. Not better, bigger. Just because most of us haven't physically met doesn't mean that we don't have a relationship, doesn't mean we can't care, doesn't mean we can't impact the lives of others and doesn't mean we can't connect in a real way. I have some great relationships with people who I've never met (physically) but as you and I know, meeting someone in the flesh doesn't necessarily mean you're meeting them at all. Sometimes reality has very little to do with the physical world. Sorry, I digress.
Anyway you Crazy Kids, my wish for you and your family is a happy, safe and peaceful Christmas and New Year. While I'm up in the sleepy hollow of Latrobe Valley consuming my own bodyweight in Christmas calories at Ron and Mary's place, I'll be thinking of you. A little.
If there's ever a time when we incredibly cerebral beings have a tendency to over-think, over-analyse, over-complicate and over-react, it's Christmas. Specifically, Christmas day. We make the easy, hard and the simple, complicated. People do weird things on this day. Oh yes, you know what I mean; remember that thing last time with your mother (dad, sister, brother, husband, wife, etc.). While Christmas day should/could be a time of cheer, celebration, connection and care (like any day, if we choose to make it such), for some of us it has (unnecessarily) become one of the most stressful, emotional and at times, sad days of the year. Why? Because that's what we create. Our internal reality becomes our external reality; the theory becomes our practical experience. We make it happen. We create misery. We expect a bad day and we get it. We talk ourselves into anxiety and stress. We believe that a positive or negative experience is all about 'the day' when in reality, it's all about us in that day; how we think, cope, react, communicate and behave. This is just another example of our mind getting in the way of our potential. Our potential for fun, happiness, joy and connection.
Misery is a Mindset
"But Craig, you don't understand my situation, circumstance, family or history." Well, I do understand one thing; the only thing you can really change (control, manage) is you. So you best learn to do that effectively, or you could be in for some pretty ordinary times. Misery is a mindset, not an external reality. And no, I'm not for one moment suggesting that we don't have real issues, problems, challenges and even tragedies to deal with, but what I am saying is that those things don't need to dictate our internal experience or determine our emotional state. One of my friends who is battling cancer (hugs for you Michelle) will have a good Christmas day this year because she's committed to that, just as some people are committed to their misery, their self-pity, their resentment and their anger.
It Ain't About the Calendar
How could a day on the calendar (which this year happens to be a Thursday) possibly determine whether we have a good or bad day? It can't. But you and I can. Because of our insecurity, our over-sensitivity and our fear (of a bunch of things), some of us misinterpret situations, circumstances, conversations and other people and we look for reasons to get hurt. Some people go into the day with a negative mindset. "I hate Christmas day", I've heard plenty of people say recently. You've heard them too. You might even be them! I always ask, "how can you hate a day?" When we de-emotionalise and de-construct that sentence, we begin to realise how irrational, self-pitying, destructive and stupid that mindset is. Who or what determines a good or bad day? You and I. Unless we hand over that power to someone or something else.
So if, in the next few days, you find yourself slipping into a little Christmas negativity, come over to my place and I'll slap you.
Ciao xx * If you're not sure how to leave a comment, click here.
If you're a regular visitor here at me-dot-com then you would know that I'm not a fan of the traditional New Year's Resolution. As a rule, they rarely lead to long-term change. Each year about four million Aussies (twenty percent of the population) start a diet on January 1, all with the same objective - to lose their (excess) weight and fat forever. Both scientific research and those things behind our eyelids will tell us that (1) most people will maintain their new behaviours for less than a fortnight (some, less than a day!) (2) very few people will lose the desired weight/fat (achieve what they set out to) and (3) even fewer will keep it off (less than two percent).
Mastering the Mind
Do these people actually have the potential to lose the weight and keep it off? The vast majority, yes. Will they? Probably not. Why not? A range of reasons, but the common denominator is that in some way their psychology will get in the way of (limit, handicap, sabotage) their physiology. They simply stop doing what they started. Great at starting, crap at persevering and ultimately getting the job done. Their mind is the problem and their body is the consequence. For many of us, the external is merely a reflection of the internal. This is the point of the lesson where you can be enlightened or offended; it's a choice. For the majority, obesity is a symptom (physical consequence) of underlying emotional and psychological issues. Master the mind and you'll master the body. In order to create different, we need to do different, yet far too many of us are creatures of habit and repetition. If we take the same mindset into the weight-loss process (the one that didn't work the last fifty times), then we'll produce the same result; failure.
Not Just Another Resolution
If you're goal is to change your behaviour for a week or three, lose and regain some weight, get even more frustrated than you are now and to continue on with the stop-start cycle you've been on for years, then another traditional New Year's Resolution is exactly what you need. However, if you would like your next weight-loss (health/fitness/lifestyle/diet) resolution to be your last, you might want to pay attention to (and implement) the following advice.....
1. Don't try to change fifty things at once. The more things you try to change in a short time frame, the less likely you are to change anything over the long term. Life ain't a hundred metre sprint and changing your life (body, thinking, habits, diet) ain't a two week process. Pace yourself and don't try to undo ten (twenty, thirty, forty) years of less-than-desirable habits, behaviours and results by next Tuesday.
2. Don't make stupid resolutions. Blokes are champions of the ridiculous. Stop letting your big fat ego get in the way of your brain. Set goals which are logical, practical and maintainable. Not everything is a competition, not everything needs to be hard core to be effective and sometimes what you need to do (to create forever results) will not be what you want to do.
3. Create an accountability system. Once the excitement, the motivation and the initial momentum subside (and they will), what will keep you doing what you need to do, to create the change you want to see in your world? What will keep you committed and proactive while others are throwing in the towel? Why will it be different for you this time? Why will this be your last resolution (of this kind)? If you don't know, you better find out fast.
4. Remember what you did last time? Don't do that again!! Same produces same. Yes we are creatures of habit and repetition; we do what's comfortable and familiar - even when it doesn't work. Don't do what's comfortable, do what works.
5. Work in four week blocks. Here's my practical tip for the day. In my experience (working with people to change outcomes in their world), the four week time frame is long enough to produce significant practical change but also short enough for us to stay focused, motivated and in the game emotionally. Of course we're all about creating big picture results and long-term change but breaking the big process down into a series of twenty eight day game plans seems to work for most people.
6. Weigh up the cost. For some people, the 'idea' of change is far more appealing than the practical, physical process. That is, the theory is far easier than the reality. I've met many people who simply don't want it enough (whatever it is). In fact, what often determines success or failure is the 'want' factor; a person's level of drive, desire and commitment. Everything in life has a price (money, time, emotion, physical energy, pain, discomfort, risk), you need to decide if you're willing to do what needs to be done (to pay the price), to achieve what you want to achieve. And as I've said too many times on this site, if you want to create exceptional outcomes, then you must be prepared to do exceptional things.
Okay, get busy.
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Well, the Fat Man Cometh in just eight days(eth) and I gotta say, I've been a very good boy so I'm expecting big things from the endomorph in the red suit this time around. Sure he's let me down in recent years, but this year I've been a perfect little blogger so the Big Bloke better cough up. If he knows what's good for him. "Dear Santa, I know where you live, I love reindeer steaks, I have satellite navigation and I'm not afraid to use it - once I figure out how it works". After all, this time of year is all about the presents and who am I to challenge tradition or to deprive someone of the gift of giving? To me. Being the needy, attention-seeking, single, dysfunctional only child with too many issues to mention, it's very important that my fragile self esteem gets a boost, which is why I'm giving the Fat Toy Maker an opportunity to make this (not so) little and lonely boy, very happy by showering him (er, me) with cool stuff.
Sans Lesson
As you may have guessed, no life-changing lesson today (although technically a lesson can't change anyone), just some random and unnecessary silly-ness, a news report and a me-dot-com update of sorts...
New Promo Video
As a professional speaker, companies (potential clients) and speaking agencies are always requesting a 'show reel' (a brief video snapshot) of me doing what I do. Kind of like having a spray of a perfume or after-shave before you commit to the fragrance. Or don't commit as the case may be. Anyway, over the last month or so, my media-techno-editing-sound-genius guy Chris, has been putting together a new show reel for Johnny to send out to enquirers and potential clients. You can take a peek at what Chris has put together by clicking on the video at top right of the home page. To be honest, it kinda makes me a little uncomfortable to watch but keep in mind that that's what a show reel like this is meant to be; a montage of me. Good grief. Let me know if you think it's (1) cheesey (2) horrible (3) okay (4) good (5) other...
A Payment Plan for RYL
We have received a bunch of emails and phone calls from people who want to come along to our RYL in May but need more time to organise their finances. Several people have enquired about the idea of us offering a payment scheme whereby a series of monthly payments can be made instead of a one-off payment. Always happy to oblige, Johnny has set it up as a booking and payment option. You can learn more about that here (you will need to scroll down the page a little). By the way, at our current rate of bookings, the program will probably be fully booked (one hundred places) by about late January. Perhaps earlier. As I write this, we have thirty eight people booked and paid in full.
Book Winners from Monday's Post
So on Monday you were asked to share a little of your personal motivation with the rest of us. I said that I would give away a few signed copies of Fattitude for the three sayings, quotes, mantras (etc.) I like the most. Yes, they were all good and yes, it's a completely subjective thing but here are my three faves anyway...
"The effort you make in trying to solve a problem is often worth more than obtaining the answer." (from Carol Jasenko) I like this because the journey (not the destination) is where we grow, learn, adapt, change and improve. Invariably the destination will let us down and disappoint, but the journey will transform us.
"If you don't take care of your body, where are you going to live"? (from Di) This is self explanatory, simple and so true. Yet, so over-looked. I love this quote.
"Be yourself because everybody else is taken" (from Sue) In a world where everyone is trying to find themselves, we need to start looking in the right place; within. The only person you can ever be is you, so stop wasting your time trying to become something or someone you're not. Rather, become a better version of YOU.
Well done to Carol, Di and Sue. You three need to email your details to us via the site so the Bald Man can send you each a little Christmas present. Ho, ho, ho.
A Holiday for Me
So the blogoholic is going to crawl into his cyber-cave for a brief sabbatical from the blogosphere over the hols. That's right, I will be hanging up my keyboard (temporarily) and heading to the beach house from Wednesday, December 24 (last post on that day) and I'll be back on deck blogging my little ass off from Monday, January 5. That means a Craig-free Christmas for you! Phew.
Okey doke, that's about it for another day. Feel free to share a comment, thought, idea or even some feedback on the cheesey show reel. Enjoy your Thursday Groovers and while everyone else is succumbing to the (self-induced) Christmas chaos, choose to be the calm in the middle of the storm.
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Off the back of yesterday's post, I had a bunch of people (okay, maybe ten) say to me that if it was them who had the conversation with dear old Marj (my buddy from the plane), they probably would have been hurt and offended by what she had to say. My response was "really?" It didn't even occur to me that she was being offensive - because she wasn't (to me). Neither did I realise that perhaps I should have been emotionally scarred by her comments (Craig the removalist). I honestly didn't feel offended for even one nanosecond. I simply found her perspective and thoughts to be fascinating, honest and refreshing. Hilarious even. I love to see how others see (if you know what I mean). Call it field research. The world is my class room, life is my teacher and yesterday Marj taught me not to take myself too seriously and that my reality is only my reality. Oh yeah... and that I'm not built like a writer. And that wearing a me-dot-com shirt is vain. Too funny.
The Gap Between Interesting and Offensive
Isn't it interesting to know that my fascinating and interesting can be someone else's offensive and hurtful; what will amuse me, will hurt someone else's feelings? If things only have the meaning we give them (and they do), then surely a comment, reaction, behaviour or opinion from someone else can only be offensive to us if we let it be. Right? So that would make getting offended (or not getting offended) something that we can control, wouldn't it? Maybe even a choice (with practice)? Surely getting offended isn't really about what people say or do, but about how we interpret, process and react to those events and words. Of course some words will be more likely to offend, but a positive, negative or neutral response still comes down to individual interpretation and reaction.
Unreal Reality
In reality (the one we create in our head - there is no universal reality), you and I taking offence has very little to do with others and everything to do with us. That's why different things will offend different people; it's completely personal. We have rules and standards (consciously or not), which determine what will offend us and what won't. We also have rules about who will offend us and who won't. Have you ever noticed how you give some people much more rope (that is, choose not to get offended), while with others, (perhaps someone close to you) you have them on a very tight rein? Different rules? While some people are constantly finding new and creative ways to get hurt because on some level there's a pay-off for them (attention, sympathy, leverage), others seem to sail through life without becoming a victim every time someone looks sideways. People can only hurt us (emotionally) if we give them that permission; if we let them. And curiously, some people seem to delight in handing over that power.
I hope you're not one of them.
Ciao x
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Hello Rock Stars. Wow, what a great job you all did yesterday with the inspiration station; some pretty insightful, motivating and clever stuff there. Thanks for sharing and for giving us a little snapshot of... you. Nice. Feel free to keep adding to the list today. We will announce the winners of the books in the next day or two, so stay tuned.
So I just got back from Sydney (writing this late Monday) and boy, did I have an interesting flight. I sat next to a groovy senior citizen who clearly wasn't impressed with the whole 'Craig Harper Show'! I didn't ask her age (too scared) but I guessed her to be somewhere in the mid seventies range. Her name is Marj (short for Marjorie), she has four kids (two of each), eleven grand kids, has just spent a week in Sydney getting to know her first great grand daughter, is a widow of five years and hates flying.
For the first ten minutes of our flight to Melbourne Marj looked intently out her window and didn't seem to be enjoying the whole plane experience. At one stage she turned to me and I smiled. It seemed to snap her out of her anxiety. Momentarily. She informed me that she didn't enjoy flying at all. We started to chat and I think she was relieved to have something or someone to distract her from the impending and unavoidable plane crash.
Marj and I spoke for the best part of an hour and she totally cracked me up. Although she didn't mean to. She was hilarious without even knowing it. Dry, funny, intense, honest and sincere. Obviously I can't recall an hour of dialogue word for word (neither do we want to hear it) but I thought you might appreciate some of my 'Marj highlights':
Somewhere over New South Wales...
M: "Where do you work?" C: "Everywhere" M: "What do you do... everywhere?" C: "I speak to companies, teams, schools and all kinds of organisations" M: "About what?" C: "About how to create better results in their world" M: (trying to digest what I had said)... "and that's a job?" C: "Yep" M: "Do they pay you for that?" C: "Yep" M: "Really?" C: (laughing).. "crazy I know but yep, they pay me" M: "Do you do anything else?" C: "I write" M: (looks me up and down).. "Write what?" C: "I write for a few magazines and I've written some books" M: (looks at me with disbelief) "You have written books?" C: (more laughing) "Yep, me" M: "Does anyone read them?" C: (still laughing) "A few people" M: "You don't look like a writer" C: "Really (laughing my ass off now), what does a writer look like?" M: "Thinner and smaller than you" C: (nearly falling out of my chair) "Thinner?" M: "Yes, usually" (clearly Marj had researched writers and their body types) C: "What kind of job do I look like I should be doing Marj?" M: "A removalist" C: "A removalist?" M: "Yes you know, those men who move pianos and beds" C: "Yes, I know"
A little later....
M: "What does that mean?" (pointing to my craig-harper-dot-com shirt) C: "I have a website" M: "A what?" C: "A website" M: "I don't know what that is" C: "Well, my site is actually a Blog (stupid of me I know) which is kind of like a constantly updated on-line journal or magazine." M: (looking blankly) "What's on-line?" C: "You know, computers" M: "Oh, I hate them" C: "Okay" M: "Don't you think it's vain to have your own name on your shirt?" C: "It didn't occur to me" M: "I think it is"
A few more minutes pass by....
M: "So who reads what you write on your computer?" C: "Well, we actually have a pretty big on-line community... er readership base" M: "How many people?" C: "Nearly 100,000 readers per week" M: "No?" C: "Yep" M: "I don't believe you" (absolutely serious) C: (more laughs)
And a little later...
M: "How old are your children?" C: "I don't have any?" M: "Why not?" C: "I'm not married" M: "What's wrong with you?" C: "Plenty!" (laughing) M: (not laughing) "You're not young you know. You should hurry up!" C: "Perhaps you could introduce me to one of your daughters Marj" (smirk on my face) M: (shaking her head in the negative) "I don't think so Mr Writer" (completely serious) C: "Okay"
The last bit...
So by the time we touched down in Melbourne tonight, not only was my body back to earth but so was my ego. If I ever start to get a fat head, can somebody give Marj a call for me. Thanks.
And thanks to you Marj.
Ciao x
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Hope you enjoyed your weekend. It has been raining non-stop here in Melbourne lately and in a city which has been on water restrictions forever (seemingly), that's great news. The trees in my front yard have been clapping solidly for three days. My weekend has been kinda busy so sadly there will be no inspiration and no lesson from me today, just a little hi (hi!). I thought I'd just stop by here briefly to say G'day as I'm heading up to Wollongong for a gig this morning (actually writing this late Sunday night). I am up at 4.45 for a 7am flight to Sydney and then a 90(ish) minute drive to the Gong.
I thought that considering (1) I haven't had time to write a post over the weekend and (2) I said I would give away a few signed books before Christmas, it might be time for you to do some work and also a good opportunity for you to motivate, educate and inspire the rest of us to greatness. Or at the very least, improvement!
So what I want you to do is share a phrase, a saying, a proverb, a thought, a mantra or an expression which has been a significant part of your journey and development. Something which has helped you stay focused, disciplined and proactive. Something which has empowered you to keep your mind in the game and to create better results in your world. Do your best to avoid sharing any of those cheesey, over-used motivational sayings (you know the ones) and try not to turn it into a sermon. Having said that, I would love to hear from you - even you Lurkers who never leave the cyber-shadows. Maybe today is your day!
Johnny and I will give away three signed copies of Fattitude to the three best contributions. And yes, we will send those books anywhere in the world. Enjoy your Monday and I'll see you when I return from the Gong. Just click on the comment thingy and do your thing.
Ciao x
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Hi Guys. The following message is the result of numerous recent phone calls and emails regarding our two-day RYL program. I thought I'd save Johnny and myself some time and pen this quick message...
I have been asked many times recently, "Who will this program work for?" A better question would be, "who will work for the program?" As most of you know, I teach that programs don't change people; people change people. A program (any program) can be a catalyst for change but it can't be the change; that's your job. This program is a resource; a very powerful resource if it's used the right way. And potentially a waste of time, money and energy for anyone who is not prepared to listen, learn, unlearn, change, apply and persevere.
RYL is for people who are ready to do what's necessary to create their best life. When we begin to master our thinking, choices, reactions and behaviours, then we begin to see dramatic (real, measurable) shift in our lives. For most of us, our external, physical world is a by-product of our internal world (what's happening in that lump on top of our shoulders). We typically find that external chaos is a reflection of a level of internal chaos. If somebody comes to this program looking to be fixed, healed or cured of their crappy life (in other words, to have someone do it for them), it ain't gonna happen.
This innovative, creative and at times, confronting weekend, is for anyone who is serious about doing what needs to be done to produce positive change and better results in their world. Unlike some programs, RYL is not a back slapping, hand holding, feel good, psycho-babble, personal development fluff-fest (no surprise there). I'm not about changing your emotional state for a couple of days; I'm all about helping you to change your life forever. In terms of the big picture stuff, I don't really care about the two days (of the program); I care about the results you produce over the subsequent two decades.
While there will be plenty of fun, laughs and amazing lessons, it is also a very practical, realistic and results-focused program. All any program can do is provide you with the information, inspiration, education, motivation, feedback and direction, it's then up to you to go away, apply what you've learned and change your world. If you can make it along to RYL I know you'll have a great time and I would love the opportunity to be a small part of your journey. And possibly share some of my cheesecake with you.
Or not.
I hope to see you there
Craig ( ) *PS.. If you'd like to know more about RYL, click on the animated link above this post...
Last weekend I went to visit my folks in the country. A little fresh air, an excess of Mary's incredible food, a few (more) life lessons from Ron, another tour of the vegetable garden, numerous updates on the happenings in the thriving metropolis of Latrobe Valley, and some quality sleep in a very quiet room. Bliss. On Sunday morning the folks and I ventured up to the local shopping centre for some retail therapy, a less-than-desirable-cappuccino and a little family bonding. The old fella and I went into a large department store to look for a new earpiece for my phone and in the course of our travels we bumped into an acquaintance of Ron's; Chris.
Meeting Chris
Ron (yes, I call my parents by their first names - weird I know) asked Chris how he had been. Apparently it had been a while since the two had chatted because Chris proceeded to tell us that over the last two years he has battled three different kinds of cancer and undergone a range of horrible treatments, procedures and experiences. Considering the physical, emotional and psychological pain he had endured, I thought he was doing well just to be upright. It's amazing how insignificant my problems seemed as I listened to Chris speak. Funny thing perspective; things only have the meaning we give them.
What I'm Meant to Do
Once the "how are you" question was asked the flood gates opened for Chris. After chatting with him for a while my phone rang and it was Mary wondering where the hell her boys were. So I sent the old fella out of the store to have a coffee with his wife and I chose to stay right there in the electrical appliances section to listen to Chris's story. It sounds weird but sometimes I get this very clear, strong and unmistakable feeling that I'm just meant to do something, and what I believe I was meant to do in that moment, in that situation was give a stranger my time, energy and attention. Do you ever get that feeling? When I ignore it (and I have in the past) I get a strong sense that I've done the wrong thing and ignored the only voice I should pay attention to.
Kettles, Blenders and Toasters
Apart from asking a few relevant questions and injecting some appropriate comments, I really didn't say much to the man I had just met. I didn't need to. Standing there next to the kettles, blenders and toasters, I realised how important it was for Chris to connect with someone who would simply show him some genuine interest and offer him some unconditional time and care. Someone to acknowledge his pain and listen to his story. Such an easy yet powerful thing to do. I'm always talking on this site about the things we wantand the things we need. Well, what we all need is someone to care about us. Someone to listen. Someone to take an interest. Someone to connect with us. Someone to acknowledge what we're feeling.
We spoke for about twenty minutes and then went our separate ways. I invited Chris to come and see me when next in the big smoke. I meant it. I have thought about him quite a lot since last Sunday. I hope he's well. I hope he's pain-free. I hope he has someone to listen to his story, acknowledge his feelings, understand his fear and to love him unconditionally. And I hope he lives a long, happy and healthy life.
I know this may all seem a little sloppy coming from Mr Hard-Ass Personal Development Bloke but heading into the madness and commercial reality that is Christmas, I'm acutely aware that in the middle of our obsession with 'giving and getting', what we all really need doesn't come in a gift-wrapped box, doesn't cost one cent and won't be found on any shelf.
But it might be found in the electrical appliances section next to the kettles, blenders and toasters.
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Hey Team. Nice work yesterday with your commitments to make your lives a better place over the next year. One day down, 364 to go! Now that you've stepped up to the plate, it's important for you to keep those wheels turning and to create some real momentum. Create enough momentum and it will carry you through the tough days. Here's a few simple tips to help you make your commitment stick...
1. Re-visit your non-negotiable behaviours (you might wanna take a peek at that article). What are your non-negotiables? When something is a non-negotiable in your world (a habit), motivation (or lack thereof) is irrelevant. What you 'feel' like doing will make way for what you're committed to doing.
2. Be productive early in the day. It will put you in a better place (mentally and emotionally) for the rest of your day. 3. Stop over-thinking (yep, you).
4. Print off your commitment list and place it in a prominent position. Like your forehead.
5. Be practical, realistic and honest about what you need to do. Making a public declaration is only putting the key in the ignition. Now you need to turn the key and start driving baby.
6. Acknowledge that this is not 'another attempt' at change... unless you make it that. Your history does not need to become your future. This is not another phase or temporary burst of enthusiasm for you. Neither is it some 'cute' thing you did on Craig's site that 'hopefully' will work. Nothing will work unless you do. You are the solution. Stop sabotaging yourself. Stop rationalising mediocrity. Stop getting in your own way. Stop being a slave to your fears and insecurities and stop limiting your incredible (largely untapped) potential.
7. Spend five minutes (or more) each day visualising yourself in your new-and-improved reality (body, job, environment, relationship, situation, etc.). See it, feel it, touch it, smell it, walk around in it, enjoy it. And then make it real in your physical world.
Feel free to add to the commitment wall - by clicking on the comment thingy - or just leave a comment and say hi. From tomorrow (yes, I know I said today) there will be a link where you can view everyone's commitments and after today you can add to the commitment wall via email.
If you're not sure how to leave a comment, click here.
... and don't forget to book your place for our upcomingtwo-day RYL Program.
We know that all successful endeavours are the result of an idea, a decision and a commitment. Success isn't an accident, it's a conscious journey and process. It doesn't happen to us or in spite of us, we create it. We also know that any idea (plan, intention, goal) only becomes a reality when we take the theory and attach it to some action, perseverance, passion, resilience and courage. Consistently. When it comes to creating amazing results in our world, the truth is that we all have the talent to do, be and create amazing (yes, all of us - even you), but very few of us have the commitment. We talk the talk but far too often, that's all we do; talk.
Dancing in the Rain
Committed people do what most can, but never will. They don't have more ability than the next person, they just do more with what they've got. While the majority find an excuse, these guys find a way to get the job done. While most are looking from the window of their warm, safe house, they are outside dancing in the rain. Show me someone who is totally committed to success and I'll show you a person who will truly explore their potential and do what most will only dream of. Literally.
An Opportunity
So today I'm giving you an opportunity to commit to something. Publicly. To stop thinking, talking and procrastinating and to step up to the plate and share with the world your commitment to creating the new-and-improved version of you. That is, what you're going to do (be, create, produce, change, fix, address, overcome, resolve) over the next twelve months of your life. And yes, we know a year is not a lifetime but let's start somewhere and roll those changes out over the long term after we nail the short and medium term stuff. You know I'm not a fan of resolutions but I am a big fan of making tough decisions and committing to a cause; so that's what today is about.
What is the Commitment Wall
The wall is a place on this site which could be the starting point of an incredible journey if you choose to make it that. I'm inviting you to put pen to paper (okay, fingers to keyboard) and to tell the rest of us in less than one hundred words (preferably way less) what you're going to do, be, achieve, create, overcome in the next year. You don't need to explain why or how you're going to do it. This process is not about the rest of us taking a peek into your life, it's about you doing different, to create different. It's about you telling the world (and more importantly, yourself) who and what you're going to become in the future.
Why?
The reason I'm launching this concept is because (1) some of you need a little shove to action (2) some of you have been 'almost' changing for far too long (3) some people read too much (self help) and do far too little and (4) people who articulate what they're going to do in a public forum such as this are more likely to actually create positive change than those who never let their ideas, aspirations and goals venture beyond the confines of their (frustrated) mind.
How?
Write one hundred words or less. If it's longer, it won't be published. It can be in point form or any style you're comfortable with. It only needs to make sense to you. Don't write what sounds good to anyone else, write what is meaningful, relevant and necessary for you. Be brave. Don't do this unless you are absolutely serious about the process - otherwise you're simply wasting space on my site and wasting your time. You don't have to sign your submission but not signing indicates a lack of total commitment, gives you an escape clause and means you haven't really made a public declaration but rather, an anonymous one. We're not judging you, we're supporting you. We want you to succeed. We're on your team. Why else would I do this? All submissions will be placed in a separate area on the site (called the commitment wall) and you will be able to access that any time via a link (menu option, near my photo, top left home page) from tomorrow (Wednesday). For today, submit your commitment via the comment thingy at the bottom of this post. After today you can submit your commitment any time via email.
And Then?
Every three months from today, we will ask you to provide us with a brief update on your progress. Hopefully this will help you stay focused and proactive. By doing this you will have thousands of accountability partners - for free! Your update will be placed along side your original submission for the commitment wall and you can also submit (brief) words of encouragement for others. I hope you find this resource and opportunity a valuable addition to your personal development journey.
Enjoy your Tuesday Groovers and be the change.
Ciao x
If you're not sure how to leave a comment, click here.
In Personal Development speak we are always talking about goals, outcomes, success, desires and dreams. In other words, all the stuff we want to do, achieve and create in our world. And while it's important for us to know what we want to achieve (our goal), it's also important for us to understand why we want to achieve it; the reason behind the goal or some would say, our real goal.
Exploring the WHY
Sometimes when we explore our why, (why we want to achieve a certain thing) we realise that our what (our goal) might not actually deliver us the thing (feeling, emotion, internal state) we're really seeking. For example, the person who has a goal to lose weight in the belief that weight loss will bring them happiness, security, fulfillment, attention, popularity and the partner of their dreams. In this instance, their what is weight-loss and their why is happiness (etc.) and a partner. Six months later, they have lost the weight (achieved their goal) but as is often the case, they're no happier, no more secure, no more confident, no more fulfilled and in keeping with their miserable state, they have failed to attract their dream partner. After all, who wants to be with someone who's miserable? They achieved their practical goal but still failed to have their needs met. So they set a goal to lose another ten pounds. And then another. And maybe just ten more. With the destructive and erroneous belief that if they can get thin enough, they'll find their own personal nirvana. And we all know how that story ends.
Our Motives
The important thing in the process of constructing our best life is not necessarily what goals we set (what we think we want) but what motivates us towards those goals (what we really want). The sooner we begin to explore, identify and understand what motivates us towards certain achievements, acquisitions or outcomes (that is, we begin moving towards greater consciousness and self awareness), the sooner we will make better decisions for our life, set more intelligent (and dare I say, enlightened) goals and experience more fulfilment and less frustration. We all know people who have achieved what they set out to, only to end up in the same place or worse (emotionally, psychologically, sociologically) because what they were chasing, wasn't really what they were needing. What we think we want will rarely provide us with what we actually need.
Our Internal State
We all set specific goals to achieve/acquire certain things (a job, a car, a partner, a better body, a bank balance, a title, a victory) because on some level most of us believe (consciously or not) that the achievement of those goals will bring us what we really seek; joy, fulfilment, happiness, safety, peace, recognition, love, acceptance, respect, connection. Of course, setting practical, material and financial goals is an intelligent thing to do considering the world we live in and how that world works but... setting goals with an expectation that the achievement of certain things in our external, physical world will automatically create an internal state of peace, contentment, joy and total happiness is an unhealthy and unrealistic mindset to inhabit.
What we Want and What we Need
Sometimes we need to look beyond the obvious (superficial) goals to discover and secure what we really want. Sadly, we live in a collective mindset which teaches that the prettiest and the wealthiest are the most successful. Some self-help frauds even teach this message. If you're rich or pretty, you're happy. If you're both, you're very happy. Pretty isn't what we really want; it's what we believe pretty will bring us. Same goes with money. When we cut through the hype, the jargon and the self-help mumbo jumbo, we all have the same basic goals, desires and needs: joy, fulfilment, happiness, safety, peace, recognition, love, acceptance, respect, connection.
What we Don't Need
Nobody needs a mansion or a sport's car but we all need love. Nobody needs massive pecs, six percent body-fat, a face lift or bigger breasts but we all need connection, acceptance and understanding. Nobody needs to be famous but we all need peace, calm, balance and happiness. The problem is, we live in a culture which teaches that one equals the other. If only we lived in a culture which taught that real success is far more about what's happening in our internal environment, than our external one.
Different but the Same
It's a commonly-held belief that we're all very different and we all have different goals but in many ways we're not, and we don't; we all want essentially the same thing (you know). Now all you have to do is see past the fraud and deception and find the right path.
If you're not sure how to leave a comment, click here.
Namaste ( ) * Don't forget to book your place for our upcoming two-day RYL Program...
Well, the launch of our two-day RYL has created huuuuge interest. We have even had a few emails from people who are considering travelling to the program from other countries! Freaky. Within thirty minutes of the information going on the site, we had four people book in. Cool! Gotta say, I'm really excited about this particular program. I know it's going to be a life-changing weekend for a lot of people. I hope you can make it along.
December 5 Already!!
Well, another working week draws to a close and we slide into the weekend with excitement, optimism and expectation. Or perhaps, complete exhaustion. Can you believe it's December 5? Yowza!! As the end of the year looms large, it sometimes feels like we're stumbling towards the finishing line of 2008 doesn't it? So much to do and so little time. Seems like that anyway. While it should be a time of celebration, joy and family, it often proves to be anything but that. It's also the time of year when some of us get all deep, philosophical, reflective and momentarily spiritual about life, love, relationships, God and of course, why we're here; our purpose. That's not always a bad thing; providing we do more than merely think and analyse.
The Cosmic Download
While some people will spend (waste) their entire life waiting for their 'life purpose' to be miraculously revealed to them in some kind of mystical, magical, life-defining moment, for the majority of us mere mortals, that probably ain't gonna happen. And that's okay; we don't live in a Disney movie, we live down here on Earth with the rest of the group. You and I may actually need to figure it out all by ourselves. We might have to steer our own ship, shape our own reality and determine our own destiny. Personally, I love that thought. While some believe their purpose is somehow cosmically pre-ordained (chosen) for them, I believe we get to choose what our purpose will be and then build a life around that choice. Sadly, some people will spend their entire life waiting for a mystical, magical revelation (cosmic download) that never arrives.
Another Year Down... Nearly.
The truth is that many (many) people struggle at this time of year. That's sad. And not only because of the loneliness thing (which is massive), but also because of the "another year has passed and I'm still living the same life, with the same problems, the same destructive habits, the same frustrations, the same crappy mindset, the same lack of purpose and producing the same undesirable results in my world" ... thing.
'Tis the Season to be... Practical.
While we (understandably) have a tendency to lean towards the deep and meaningful at this time of year, I'm suggesting (for those of us who want to do, be and create better) that we also lean towards the realistic, the logical and the practical; the "what do I need to change about my thinking, my habits, my standards and my behaviour RIGHT NOW to make 2009 the best year of my life?"
Typical Behaviour
What normally happens at this time of year is some, or all, of the following: we drink too much, spend too much, eat too much, lie in the sun too much (in Australia anyway) and make a bunch of resolutions that we ultimately don't follow through on for more than a few weeks. At the end of every year we talk about how different our life is going to be next year; even though we had the exact same thoughts, conversations and intentions this time last year (and the ten years before that). We keep doing the same things and hoping for a different outcome. Good luck with that.
You the Problem. You the Solution.
Your best life ain't about fate, destiny, chance, karma, luck, cosmic downloads, resolutions or dates on a calendar. It's all about you as a person; the decision maker, the communicator, the problem solver, the doer. If you are serious about making 2009 your best year (whatever that means for you personally), then you need to take a serious look at what you did and didn't do (and why) in 2008. If you take the same mindset, standards and behaviours into 2009, you'll produce similar results to this year or worse.
Excellence produces excellence, Grasshoppers.
Ciao x
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P.S. Tonight (Friday) between seven and ten (Melbourne time) I will be taking off my various other hats and putting on my radio host headphones and pretending that I'm a sports broadcaster for a few hours on 1116am SEN radio here in Melbourne. I will be filling in for the regular host; Mark Fine and acting like I know what I'm on about. For the first hour of the show I will be in the studio chatting with Australian netballer, Bianca Chatfield. If you have nothing better to do (as if), tune in (you can listen on-line also), have a laugh and feel free to ring in and chat with me live on air! The talk-back number is (03) 9429 1116.
If you are new to this site, then you probably won't know that RYL is an acronym for 'Renovate Your Life'; a personal development program that I created and have been running for a while now in both a half-day and full-day format all around this fine land of ours. Just last month we finished a national tour and the overwhelming feedback was "I wish the program went for longer." Well, Johnny and I must be psychic (if not, psycho) because we had already been planning to run a two-day, live-in version of the program in 2009. Amazingly, the full day session didn't really seem long enough so we thought developing and running a longer version of the program would make sense. Two days with me; good grief.
Challenges
Making this program a reality has presented Johnny and I with a few... 'opportunities for personal growth'. With most live-in, high-quality programs like this costing well over a thousand dollars, trying to make our program both affordable for potential participants and also economically viable (for us as a business) was a big challenge. While the program content, structure and facilitation is pretty straight forward, our biggest challenge was to find a venue that wasn't going to push our program cost into the stratosphere. Do we go five star and charge a fortune, or do we opt for something less glamorous, more practical and more affordable for the masses? Finding a venue with the resources and facilities that we need, which can accommodate and feed one hundred people for two days without sending us all broke was an interesting exercise. In the end we settled on the Anglesea Recreation Camp here in coastal Victoria. While it is a camp-type venue designed for accommodating big groups, it's also kinda fun and funky and has great resources and facilities including lecture rooms, indoor and outdoor basketball courts, high and low ropes courses, volleyball courts, football fields and a bunch more. I have run many training programs (fitness based) at this venue over the years and have always had a great time. Think school camp (with slightly better facilities than we had in the eighties) and you're in the ball park. If you're a little precious and addicted to luxury, this probably won't suit you. I personally love the whole beachy, laid-back camp vibe. It's a beautiful location and environment to run a program such as this. Sand, surf, nature, bliss.
Some Practical Stuff
While the program is primarily aimed at addressing how we think, process, cope, choose, react, communicate and create in our world (all the head stuff), there will also be a practical component where we get off our butts and actually do something!! And no, you don't need to panic about this and no, you don't need to be 'fit'. Although I will facilitate the majority of the teaching for the weekend (90% or more), some of my team will be along to run some break-out sessions. There will be an exercise element to the program but it will be (1) optional and (2) fitness level specific (you won't die). Over the weekend we will also explore (in detail) the area of creating life-long optimal health; nutrition, exercise, lifestyle, emotional and mental health.
Snapshot of the Program
The weekend will consist of:
* Practical workshops * Lectures * Exercise/activity sessions * Small group sessions * Question/answer sessions * Laughing, eating, sillyness * Free time, socialising
These live-in programs are often the genesis for not only life-long change, but also life-long friendships. While you will be challenged, pushed, inspired and educated, you will also have a ball spending time with like-minded people all looking to create better results in their world. You will also get to meet some of my very cool trainers, coaches and therapists. And you might get to see me consume my bodyweight in cheesecake.
Details
When: May 29 - 31, 2009. The program commences 8 pm Friday night and concludes, Sunday 4 pm (arrive and register from 5 pm Friday).
Where:Anglesea Recreation Camp, Anglesea, Victoria
Cost: $595.00*
* We are offering an Early Bird deal of $495.00if paid in full by December 24. Maybe someone can buy you a place for Christmas! Ho, ho, ho. And yes, we will do a deal for groups (no, not groups of two!). We have booked the venue for one hundred people. I will be taking ten of my team so that brings us back to a limit of ninety places. If you have any questions, you can contact Johnny on (03) 9553 8857 during business hours or you can email him here.
I arrive home, make a cup of tea, take a Ginger Bread Man (oh yes, that's right) from the pantry and put on some training clothes. I feel more creative when I'm in my slobby clothes. I walk up the stairs to my office and settle in with my GBM and my tea. I mercilessly bite the head off my GBM and I endeavour to focus myself for some productivity; more emails, more comments and more phone calls to return. At about four o'clock I get a call from one of my team. They have a problem. It's not major but it's real. We talk for about five minutes and eventually I ask "so what's the solution?" They tell me what they think we should do and I say "okay, do that." They get off the phone happy and confident. They didn't need me; they already knew the answer. They just wanted re-assurance and approval (the issue was resolved quickly). Just before four thirty my back is aching from sitting in this stupid chair; the one I'm in right now. I get on the floor with my foam roller and do a little self-adjusting and massage. My back is like a piece of wood and the foam roller is agony. And ecstasy. I stretch, but not enough. I have an attitude problem towards it. Don't tell anyone.
4.30 pm
I decide I need some time out, some movement and some fresh air so I put on my headphones and head out the front door. I leave my phone at home. Bliss. I make my way down to the beach (5 minute walk) and stroll along a surprisingly quiet foreshore. Just me, an old couple and a few seagulls. I love the beach; it's therapeutic. I listen to some of my favourite music and do my best not to think. About anything. I endeavour to disconnect from the busy-ness of my day. I'm working on just being in the moment; not an easy task for Mr Busy Brain. I'm certainly no Eckhart Tolle but I'm getting there. My walk is not really about exercise but about space, quiet, balance and calm. It's more about the emotional than it is the physical.
5:20 pm
Fifty minutes later I arrive home, put on the kettle, re-engage my brain, check my phone messages and start to think about my radio gig that night; another hour on SEN with a different host - Mark Fine. The hour is to be more about psychology, personal growth and even philosophy than it is about the straight health/fitness message. I attend to some random bits and pieces and then head up to my gym at six o'clock for a getbig session. Some people meditate, I lift. It relaxes me.
6.00 pm
I walk into Harper's and the place is buzzing; trainers and clients everywhere. Six is peak time. The lovely Celia (our receptionist) hands me some phone messages and asks me to sign three books for a lady. I do a lap of the gym, shake a few hands, share a hug or two, say hello to plenty of people and do my best to acknowledge everyone. When it's your gym you have a certain responsibility to be friendly, aware and professional. Five minutes later I'm hitting the weights as I've done thousands of times before. I've been lifting weights three to six times per week for the last twenty nine years. Do the maths on that! On this day I train my chest, upper back and lower back and work around my numerous injuries (from years of training like a maniac when I was young).
7:10 pm
By ten past seven I'm back home in my stinky singlet and I'm cooking myself a healthy pasta. Twenty minutes later I'm on the couch and eating my dinner in front of my big-ass TV while watching some mindless but mildly amusing comedy; Two and a Half Men. Fifteen minutes later I'm suffering from Charlie Sheen overload (not hard) and my pasta is a memory. I walk out to my front yard, sit under a tree, let my pasta digest and spend thirty minutes or so reading a new book. I'll tell you the name of it when I'm done - I'm not sure if I'm sold on it yet.
8.00 pm
By eight I'm back in my office replying to emails and comments and working on my next post. I spend half an hour attending to various things and then at eight thirty I make my way to the car yet again for my third trip to the city for the day. I am on the phone the whole way; chatting to my folks. They make me laugh. My Mum could talk under water with a mouth full of marbles. Love you Mary! I arrive at SEN just before nine o'clock and say hello to the producer of the show; Spider Lee. Some big sporting news has just come through (regarding a footballer here in Australia) so it appears that my planned segment will have to wait; we will be talking football for an hour or so instead. Mark (the host) and I spend the entire show talking to each other and to the listeners re the Ben Cousins (the player) saga. We also interview ex AFL coach, Grant Thomas. As usual the time flies and before I know it, it's five past ten and I'm in the car heading home. Again.
10:05 pm
I turn on my phone and Baldy has left me a message. I return his call and we chat about the website for fifteen minutes. He works as much as me. He needs help. I return a few more calls (friends this time, not work) and I pull into the drive at about ten thirty. Surprisingly, I'm not tired. I feel great. I make myself another tea and debate whether or not I should have my second GBM for the day. I tell myself they're all protein and I succumb. Still a fat fourteen year-old at heart, I guess. I head upstairs to my office and work on my new book until eleven thirty at which time I figure I'll call it a day. I decide to take a brief stroll before bed. I head out into the dark and still of the night and it's glorious. No cars, no noise, no people, no chaos. Bliss. Just what I need. I climb into bed at five past twelve and Letterman is on TV. Sometimes he's funny but not tonight. Somewhere around twelve thirty I shut off the noise and slide into a coma.
I'm sorry if you found 'A day in the Life of Me' mindlessly boring. Keep in mind that it wasn't my idea! I'll never burden you with that again. Tomorrow I will be announcing the details (where, when, cost) of our two-day RYL program for next year. That's gonna be a blast.
Enjoy your Wednesday. *If you're not sure how to leave a comment, click here.
I wrote the following post with some trepidation. To be honest, the idea of writing a 'Day in the Life of Me' article didn't really sit comfortably with me. Apart from seeming a little self-indulgent and wanky, I didn't really think it would be something that people would find hugely interesting. It came about because someone asked me (in a comment on this site) if I would do it and I said I'd think about it... not really intending to follow through (don't tell anyone). I thought the moment would pass and people would forget about it. Well, they didn't. I have since had a constant stream of comments and emails from people (over one hundred) who are interested to learn what a typical day in the life of me looks like. Okay, don't blame me. Here we go...
Tuesday November 25 (last week)
I guess I should start this little report by saying that there isn't a 'typical day' for me. So I'll write about this day; Tuesday, November 25, 2008. My alarm goes off at five forty and some bloke talking about European soccer yanks me out of my slumber and smashes me over the head with some game scores that I don't care about. My clock radio is tuned to SEN; the sports station that I work on and the volume is intentionally too loud. I heave my tired self from my nocturnal cocoon and amble towards the bathroom. I take an early morning slash (you wanted details), tidy up my whiskers and put my semi-conscious self into the shower. Nice. The hot water massages my foggy brain as I try to gain some clarity about the morning's radio gig; GOLD 104. "What am I talking about this morning?" I ask myself... that's right; I'm answering questions emailed to me from listeners. Easy.
5:50 am
By five fifty I'm dried, dressed and almost coherent. The fog is lifting. I walk into my (home) office and glance at my computer. Fifty seven new emails. I get about a thousand (genuine) emails each week. I also notice that we sold a bunch of books and DVD's over night. With every sale on the site, I am sent a report. Nice. Gotta pay Johnny somehow. I get myself a cup of tea and by five past six I'm in my car (beverage in hand) and on my way to the city; a twenty minute trip at that time of the day. The road is quiet and I surf radio stations trying to find some news. I consider turning my phone on. I decide not to. If it's on, it will ring. I choose to enjoy a little more solace.
6:30 am
I arrive at the station and walk into the studio. Grubby and Dee Dee (the hosts of the show) are there along with their producer, Miss Vicky. These guys are legends of Melbourne radio and it's always fun working with them; genuinely nice people. Next year will be my fifth year working on the station. We talk crap for a few minutes (while a song plays) and then we're into business. I do part one of my question-answer thing and then we head back into some more music. We chat (off air) a little more while another song plays and then we wrap up my second segment with a few laughs and a little education from Uncle Craig. Even though it's a relatively brief stint (about eight minutes), it's a great gig both personally and professionally. Personally because it's fun, they're great people and I enjoy it, and professionally, because I've learned a bunch along the way, developed my radio skills and built my 'brand'. The media has proven to be a great branding vehicle for me (as an educator, motivator, fitness bloke, etc.), for my business and also for this website. I leave the station at seven-ish, turn on my phone and listen to numerous messages.
7:28 am
I arrive at Harper's (my gym) at 7:28. I have a seven thirty appointment with a bloke I'll call Steve (for this post). While I do quite a bit of mentoring these days, I don't do any personal training. Except with Steve. We do a mix of the head stuff and the body stuff. I've been working with him for ten weeks and his body-fat has dropped from 33% to 22%. He's also gone from very high risk to moderate risk, changed his diet, changed his lifestyle and totally changed his thinking. He's a high-profile entrepreneur who realised that money ain't much value to him if he's dead. So I put the forty nine year-old through his paces and he does well. We lift weights, do a little cardio, talk shit (as blokes do) and then finish the session with a stretch. His flexibility is crap. I tell him. He knows. He's like a ceramic tile with hair on top. He's a blokey bloke (man's man) and enjoys the straight forward (no fluff) communication style. Fortunately for me; I'm no good at fluff.
8:45 am
After my session with Steve I head home - I do most of my work (writing, consulting, planning) from my home office these days. I walk through the door at eight forty five and head straight for the kitchen. I prepare my breakfast (oat brits, bran, muesli) and walk upstairs to my office. I eat and read emails at the same time. A multi-tasking male. My emails are a typically strange mix; people who want my advice, people who want to work with me or for me, people who want me to do something for them (for free), people who want to share their story, people who have a business 'proposal' for me, people thanking me for helping them in some way, the occasional person telling me what an opinionated dickhead I am and of course, a range of legitimate business emails from people or organisations I'm working with. I also take a look at the comments on my site from the day's post. I reply to a bunch of them and then focus my energy elsewhere. Over the last two years I have endeavoured to reply to (almost) every comment. I felt it was an important part of the 'relationship building' process with my readers and that if someone could make the effort, so could I. Don't know how long I can keep up the personal replies... we'll see. Just before nine thirty I get a call from Adam (my Director of Nutrition) who wants to run a few ideas by me and ask me for some advice. We chat for ten minutes and make a time for a face to face catch up. He's a new addition to my team and is doing a great job at developing the nutritional arm of me-dot-com.
9.30 am
At nine thirty I make a call to a company that I'm doing a presentation for in the next few weeks. Bossy Johnny has instructed me to call Sally (yep, an alias) to discuss my upcoming gig; this is a standard thing for me to do before I work with a company. Sally tells me about her organisation, the crowd I'll be speaking to, the size of the audience, the topic they want me to speak on, what the dress code is and their desired outcomes from my presentation. I ask a few relevant questions, crack a few lame jokes and tell her I look forward to meeting her in person and working with her team. She seems happy. I make that point because some conference organisers are stress heads and are hard to please. At about ten o'clock I get a call from Johnny to inform me that he has just picked up a new speaking gig for me; a one hour keynote in February in Sydney. Giddyup. Good work Johnny. He also informs me that the new promotional DVD that our media guy is putting together is nearly ready. It's a four minute show-reel of me speaking and the Bald Man says it looks great. I get a little excited. I wanna see it.
11.00 am
After an hour and a bit of answering emails and comments, planning radio shows, talking on the phone and starting to write my next post (How we React), I have an appointment; a mentoring session via Skype. I am working with a girl who lives in Canada. It's a forty five minute session and while I can't be specific about her session, I can say that we're working through a few challenges in her world and she's doing great. I've been mentoring her fortnightly since August but we're about to move to monthly sessions. Then to quarterly sessions and after that she'll contact me (okay Johnny) if, and when, she needs to chat. Mentoring only works when people are ready to do the work and she's doing great because she's stopped over-thinking and started doing.
Midday
My mentoring session is done and I've just spent (another) ten minutes on the phone speaking to Johnny about what else I need to get done today. He reminds me that we need to finalise details for our two-day RYL program (which we've now done by the way), informs me of some meetings that he and I have in the next few days and tells me not to forget our client Christmas party this coming Saturday (last Saturday now). It's now midday and I need to be in the car in twenty minutes because I have another radio gig at one o'clock. This time it's a one hour health/fitness gig on SEN (Sports Entertainment Network) here in Melbourne (1116AM). The host is Mark Doran and we spend an hour talking health and sport, while also chatting with a constant stream of talk-back callers. The hour flies and before I know it, I'm done.
2:05 pm
It's now five past two and I'm back in the car heading for a two thirty late lunch with Johnny and Mikey. I turn on my phone and I have nine new messages (in the last hour). I listen to them and return a couple of calls. One of them is from a guy who wants to co-write a book with me; I call him back and we have an impromptu meeting which proves to be productive. In between returning calls, Becky (my producer from channel Ten) rings me to talk about next week's show. We chat about a few ideas and decide that my next segment will be focused on 'Surviving the Christmas Cheer'. I am doing this segment (live) tomorrow morning and it will be on at about 10:45 here in Australia.
2:30 pm
Johnny, Mikey (my business partner in the gym) and I eat lunch together most days and we have a 25/75 rule; 25% of the time spent talking business and 75% spent talking shit and laughing. We mostly adhere to the rule and today proves to be no exception. We hang out for an hour or so, deal with a few business matters, eat some food and laugh a lot. I inhale a chicken and vegetable stir-fry. And nearly three of my fingers. Hunger will do that. I also have an English breakfast tea (excitement machine that I am). Mikey updates me on the goings on at our gym, we discuss a few issues and make a few decisions. Three thirty arrives and I'm back in the trusty steed and heading home.
To be continued...
*If you're bored shitless, let me know and I'll shelve part two!
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When I was growing up, my father (Ron the business man) was forever sharing from his extensive database of Ron-isms (sayings). The downloads were numerous, mildly amusing and constant. While there were literally hundreds of them, some of them got wheeled out more often than others. Here's a snapshot of my childhood education:
"Once I thought I was wrong, but I was mistaken" (think about it)
"Going to University won't give you a personality"
"Why buy a book when you can go to the library?" (this was his dating advice to me in my teens)
And while many Ron-isms were tongue in cheek, there was also a smattering of insight and wisdom to be found if you were paying attention; which I rarely was. In my early twenties when I was developing my personal training business (Harper's Personal Training), the old fella and I were talking about succeeding with my new venture when he asked me this question...
"How many first impressions can you make?"
He didn't need to explain; I got it.
In business, first impressions can make or break you; the way a phone is answered, how the staff present themselves, a smile, a scowl, communication style, attitude, punctuality, cleanliness (of the facility), personal hygiene (stinky people aren't really an asset to your business) and much more. It all comes under the banner of professionalism, customer service and awareness.
Before I Continue...
People often ask me how I plan these articles; not only the individual posts but my 'writing plan' for the year. As if. When I look at them blankly it dawns on them that perhaps there is no 'master' writing plan. Perhaps I just write. Usually the process is as simple as this: I have an idea, a challenge, a revelation, a lesson or an experience in my world, and I'm prompted to write about it. So I do. My best work is organic, spontaneous and freestyle. Sometimes I start writing and just see what happens. It's a fertile place my mind. So anyway, yesterday I had an experience which was the catalyst for this post....
Car Shopping
A friend of mine wants to buy a new car. When it comes to buying, negotiating and doing the whole new car thing, she's a little clueless. And kind of hates it. So she asked me if I would do the haggling and number crunching for her, then she could just sign on the dotted line and pay a deposit once the 'uncomfortable' stuff (her words) was done. She knew exactly which car she wanted, so I figured it would be a relatively straight forward process for me. Easy Peasy; I love haggling.
So yesterday I rolled into the closest dealership of the brand my friend wants to buy. I walked in to the showroom (wearing my army shorts, a training shirt and sandals) and it's fair to say that I probably didn't look particularly affluent or impressive. Nonetheless, I was there to do business. I made my way around the showroom, found the object of her desire and crawled all over it like a spider monkey in a banana tree. All the while, sales people walked straight by me like I had a 'do not approach' sign on my forehead or maybe I was the carrier of some highly contagious deadly disease. Didn't really matter, I was still in my investigation and research phase.
What Customer Service?
After fifteen minutes of poking, prodding, pulling and perusing everything I could, I was ready to haggle. At this stage there was still no attention from any of the staff. I really must have looked broke. I emerged from my mechanical cocoon and endeavoured to make eye contact with the nearest sales person. After five minutes of fruitless waiting and looking forlorn, the attention seeking inner-child was beginning to feel somewhat neglected. And mildly pissed off. Couldn't complain about the customer service; there was none. So I headed towards the attractive looking lady who was manning (okay, womanning) the reception desk. As I approached the counter, she looked up from her desk and towards me. Without smiling or acknowledging me, she returned her gaze to the desk region. She was on the phone so I gave her the benefit of the doubt; perhaps she was dealing with an important issue. I stood and waited. And waited. And waited. For about five minutes she made no eye contact with me and continued her phone conversation, which turned out to be with a friend who was having some relationship issues. Yep, pretty important stuff. Just before I was about to walk out and take my business elsewhere, I noticed a plaque sitting to one side of the reception desk. It read:
"Director of First Impressions"
Well, yes she was. And yes she did.
My friend bought her car today... from another dealership. She picks it up next week.
How Do Others See Us?
Like it or not, aware of it or not, you and I are constantly making a first impression on someone. Good or bad. So the question becomes not "do we?" but "how do we?" How are we perceived? How do we come across to others? What kind of message do you send to those around you? Do you come across as friendly? Rude? Arrogant? Kind? Generous? Aggressive? Inconsiderate? Selfish? Genuine? Insincere?
In life we are constantly assessing (other people) and being assessed; it's how we're wired. Part of that is a self-protection thing, part of it is to assess and understand a situation or experience and part of it is because we're sticky beaks (curious). Before you even open your mouth, people are evaluating you. Everything you do (or don't do) is sending a message. People who have never even spoken to you have an opinion of you. When I walk on stage to give a presentation people are already evaluating me before I even open my mouth. My words only tell part of the story and before I speak a single word, they already have an opinion based on the way I walk, how I dress, my look, my age, my hair (or lack thereof), my facial expression, my posture and my physique.
What I'm not Saying...
Now, before you misinterpret what I'm saying, I am not saying that we should be obsessed with, or worried about, what people think of us. Of course people will always find fault no matter how hard we try or how evolved we become. What I am saying is that some of us need to raise our awareness of how people perceive us in certain situations and circumstances. Especially in situations where people don't know us; especially when we're creating a first impression. And no, it's not about becoming an insecure, people-pleaser either; it's about learning to be more effective, productive and aware in both our personal and professional lives. It's about communicating and connecting with those around us in a manner which will produce good results for all concerned. It's about understanding that, "we don't see things as they are, we see things a we are."
Learning by Doing
This ain't no theory; over my journey I have mis-managed many situations, opportunities and conversations because: (1) I used the wrong approach (2) I was unaware; not paying attention (3) I misread the situation and (4) I was too caught up in my own stuff. Of course some people will get offended no matter what but I'm not talking about those people today; I'm talking about you and I and how we can do better in these situations to create better.
First impressions are important not only in business but in any area of our existence that requires interaction with others. Sometimes creating a negative first impression means blowing a potentially great opportunity, lesson or even friendship. So not only did the woman at that car dealership miss the opportunity to sell me a car, she also missed out on meeting me!
So this week my challenge to you is to be more aware. Not obsessed, just more aware. Self improvement is about constantly chipping away at the little things; consistently doing what we need to do, to become a better version of us.
Enjoy your week and choose to be exceptional.
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In yesterday's post we began to look at how we deal with, or react to, the various happenings in our world. I observed that we have reacting and we have thinkingand for some of us, the two don't merge very often. And therein lies the problem; something happens and we respond without thinking, planning, assessing or considering the consequences of our reaction. If we are serious about creating the new-and-improved version of us then we need to find a way to insert some reason, logic and consciousness into our reactions. Of course I am talking about reactions to significant events and challenges here, not our incidental, daily blips on the radar.
Positive and Negative Reactions.
For many people, their biggest day to day challenge lies in learning to react differently. For some their inability to control their reactions may one day ruin their life. They are often volatile, irrational, inconsiderate, unaware and self-centred. At one end of the scale a negative reaction might temporarily damage a relationship or create some kind of short term problem between friends or colleagues, while at the other end of the scale, an irrational, unthinking reaction (brain snap) might see a person spend the rest of their life in jail; a life ruined (and possibly another one ended) because of a reaction.
Creating Better Outcomes
In order to create better outcomes in our world and turn those negative reactions into positive ones, we must learn to put some space between the event (the thing we're about to react to) and our response. A little thinking music of sorts. They say that "time is the great healer", well it can also be the great "preventer of regrettable and stupid reactions" when we insert it between the stimulus (event, situation, circumstance, problem) and our subsequent behaviour.
We're all Different
As with any prescription (exercise, food, medication, psychotherapy), there's no blanket solution for this challenge but there are certain things we can do to minimise our chances of doing something we'll regret; reacting negatively. I can't provide you with a three-step process which will be universally effective for combating negative reactions because we're all wired differently and what pushes our buttons varies greatly. What will stress me, won't bother you and vice-versa. What will cause a 'reaction' in you will go un-noticed by me.
Here are my suggestions. Use what's relevant and meaningful for you.
1. Embrace calm. Obvious I know, but the more stressed, anxious and volatile we are in our general living (thinking, behaviours, conversations, habits, relationships), the more likely we are to react inappropriately in those moments. Calm, peaceful, balanced people rarely become axe murderers. And you won't see too many Buddhists jumping out of their car with a baseball bat either. Even if you did cut them off. Do Buddhists even play baseball? Sorry, I digress.
2. Put space between the event and the reaction. I remember one of my school teachers telling us kids to count to one hundred when we got angry. She was pretty smart; she was teaching us to put some space between the event and our reaction. Of course different things work for different people but you and I need to find a way to create a time buffer so that we don't do something regrettable. Once you've punched your neighbour in the mouth, you can't really undo that! Finding that time buffer might mean hanging up the phone and calling back in ten minutes, it could mean going for a walk, or it may mean completely shifting your attention to something else for a while and then coming back to that issue, situation or person later. These days my self-control is pretty good but when I was a young (insecure) alpha male, I would often walk away from a (potentially volatile) situation and address it later when I was in a better place (emotionally). It worked for me.
3. Ask different questions. I have spoken many times about how the quality of our questions affects our behaviours (reactions), the quality of our outcomes and in turn, our life reality. When we ask better (smarter, more thoughtful) questions, we typically create better outcomes.
4. Invest your emotional energy wisely. Earlier this year I wrote an articleon how and where we spend our emotional dollars. Let's just say that many of us don't invest wisely and as a result, don't get a great return on our investment. You might want to re-visit that article when you have a chance.
5. Wear a wrist band. Call it your calm band. Call it your positive reaction band. Call it whatever you want but wear it as a reminder of what and who you're becoming; someone who reacts differently. Someone who creates better outcomes. Someone who manages their emotions rather than someone who is managed. Someone who is more aware, more evolved, more balanced and more in control. It's about raising your consciousness and awareness. Of course the band is symbolic but used the right way, it can help you keep your head - thinking, attitudes, internal dialogue, reactions - where they need to be. I have worked with many people who firmly believe that wearing their wrist band helped them in a real, practical and measurable way. It was a constant physical reminder of their commitment to do, be and create better in their life. For some people, a band is a simple tool that will help them stay aware, conscious and productive. For others, it's simply another stupid idea. Funny that.
Okay, I'm off to find my baseball bat.
Clearly, I'm not the Buddhist I should be.
Ciao x
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G'day Rock Stars. After the frivolity, immaturity and down right stupidity of Tuesday's post, it's probably timely and appropriate for me to remove my backwards baseball cap, pull up my pants, stand up straight, stop smirking, cease with the potty mouth and put on my personal development cardigan, my reading glasses and my sensible shoes for today's post. Where would we be without our sensible shoes? Hope you're enjoying your Thursday....
You've probably heard sayings like:
"It's not what happens that matters but how you react (to what happens) that matters"
"It's not about the situation or the circumstance, it's about youin it"
"Things only have the meaning we give them"
"People only treat you the way you let them"
You the Reactor
All of the above sayings refer to how we deal with, manage and react to what happens in our world. In extreme cases a momentary reaction can influence, if not shape, the next ten (twenty, fifty) years of our life. For good or bad. And on a completely different scale, many reactions will be unconscious, almost meaningless blips on the radar of our life. From the moment you and I get out of bed each day we are reacting (consciously or not) to our dynamic environment. Fortunately we don't live in a static world; how boring would that be? We react to a broad range of stimuli hundreds of times every day and while the majority of our reactions are incidental and largely inconsequential (catching the falling spoon from the edge of the table, changing stations when we don't like the music, answering a simple question), others will play a significant role in our future - although we may not be aware of it at the time.
Finding the Bad
Some of us have mastered the 'habit' of reacting negatively; of finding the bad, rather than finding the lesson or finding the good. For many people, the "what can I learn from this" question doesn't feature nearly as much as the "why do these morons make my life a misery" or "why does this always happen to me" questions.
A Hypothetical
Two people go through the same event (a minor traffic accident perhaps). One emerges from his vehicle wielding an iron bar, frothing at the mouth, screaming obscenities and threatening violence, while the other calmly searches for a pen and paper to exchange insurance details. The psycho gets arrested for attempted assault and battery with a weapon, while Mr Calm drives home with a small scratch on his car, kisses his wife and kids and carries on with his happy life. Rather than learning a lesson from the experience and vowing to change his ways, the angry psycho gets even angrier at the cops, the judge, the legal system, the government and the rest of the world for victimising him. Following his arrest and conviction, he continues to stumble from one (self-created and perpetuated) drama to the next. Never realising that in the middle of all these catastrophes, he is the common denominator. He is the reason. He is the creator of the mayhem. He is the problem. And the solution; should he choose to be. If only he would learn to manage the events of his life differently (react differently), his life experience (his reality) would change dramatically. But as long as he continues to do the same (react poorly), he will continue to produce the same type of negative, destructive outcomes.
Calm in the Middle of the Chaos
The sooner we realise that we can have a great day, every day, despite what does or doesn't happen on that day, the sooner we will move away from the chaos and into the calm. Keeping in mind that we exist in a physical world but do most of our living in our head. With practice you and I can be the calm in the middle of chaos. For the most part, the only environment you and I can control is our internal one, so how we react, how we interpret situations and the type of questions we ask ourselves will play a big role in that process. Even though we have the ability to control our internal environment (our reality), sadly, many of us hand over that power to situations, circumstances, events, 'luck' and my (least) favourite, other people. As long as our internal environment is merely a reflection of our external reality then our happiness will always be held to ransom by something beyond our control.
Daily Challenge
Every day of our lives you and I are presented with situations, circumstances, events, challenges and conversations which will elicit a reaction from us (one way or the other). For some this will produce an emotional, volatile, irrational, spontaneous or even disastrous response, while for other folk it will be a more measured, calm, considerate and strategic response to the happenings in their world. Emotion is what drives us, but logic and intelligence is what should be steering us.
So why do we do react stupidly when we know better?
Because in 'that moment' our response invariably has nothing to do with logic, understanding or intelligence and everything to do with emotion (insecurity, anger, fear, resentment, jealousy). We don't actually think, consider or plan, we just react. Rather than (us) managing our emotions, all of a sudden our emotions are running the show. Often with dire results. All that 'self-help stuff' goes flying out the window. Yep, seen it. Done it even. Sitting at our computer reading an article like this is the easy bit; it all makes sense. We're in complete control. We're calm, cerebral, logical, rational, philosophical and evolved. We 'get' it. Well, we get the theory of it anyway. But sitting at our computer is not really when we're put to the test, is it? It's when that person pisses us off (again)... and all the personal development lessons from Craig's website go straight out the window. Or hopefully not.
So how do we react differently?
I'll tell you next time.
As usual, love to hear from you... click on the comment thingy.
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So on Thursday last week we ran a teeny weeny competition and I asked you to finish my article on Over-thinkers; to provide us with the tenth and final tip for dealing with the issue of over-thinking. Well, we received a bunch of fantastic responses and I certainly got some great ideas and inspiration from your fertile minds. I appreciate the effort you went to. While there were several entries which were very clever and insightful, we can have only one winner and this time around that person is Vicki Gottliebsen. Vicki's contribution was a clever use of mental imagery to deal with a person's chronic over-thinking. Love your work Vicki. You have a signed copy of my book coming your way and if you take a peek at the article in question, you'll see your contribution has been added. You're now a published author on me-dot-com! No cash but lots of glory! Just email us at the site and we'll organise delivery of your book. The feedback suggests that a weekly competition might be a fun and popular addition to the line-up, so we'll give that a run for a while and see what happens.
On with today's er.... lesson.
For the following article to have maximum impact, you might need to replace your voice (the one in your head) with that of wildlife guru, Sir David Attenborough (if you're not sure who he is, think seventy year-old British bloke). After yesterday's deep and meaningful article you may find today's effort something of a departure. A silly departure. Also, if you're feeling a little fragile or you have a propensity to be easily offended, you may want to re-surface here tomorrow. We won't talk about you while you're gone. Promise.
Since the dawn of time man has talked shit (and by man, I mean blokes). For millennia we alpha males of the species have delighted in seemingly meaningless and pointless dialogue. It's in our DNA and current research suggests that as men, we have no choice. Dogs chase cats, women shop and blokes talk shit. It's what we do. Anywhere, any time, we're good to go. For men, talking shit is completely cathartic; an emotional and psychological purge. It's also a good opportunity for us to step out of reality; something that makes us more than a little uncomfortable. In terms of pleasure, talking shit runs a close second to an orgasm (but lasts hours longer), just edges out a good nut scratch and beats a quality sneeze hands down. There are no real rules (as such) when it comes to talking shit but it is widely understood that (1) logic plays no role (2) truth is irrelevant (3) women must not be involved and (4) there must be laughter. A typical conversation between blokes might go something like:
SAM: "Did I tell you about the friend of mine who put one of his chickens on horse steroids?"
JO: "F*** off!"
SAM: "No, really"
JO: "What happened?"
SAM: "In nine months it grew as big as a frickin' pony"
JO: "Bullshit!"
SAM: "Nope, I've seen it; it weighs two hundred pounds"
JO: "Does it have feathers?"
SAM: "Shit yeah"
JO: "Can it fly?"
SAM: "Only for about ten feet"
JO: "No shit?"
SAM: "Yep"
JO: "Does it lay eggs?"
SAM: "Yep, as big as your head"
TONY: "If you think that's amazing, I've got this weird cousin with three ears who worked in a nuclear plant in the Soviet Union...."
And so it continues; therapy.
Of course to the female of the species, shit talking is not only a waste of valuable time, but a source of great consternation, frustration and confusion. In lay mans terms, they simply don't get it and they definitely don't enjoy it. While women love to talk about 'something', men are very happy to talk about nothing in particular. AKA... shit. In fact, talking about something will typically raise blood pressure and produce a stress response in the alpha male of the species, while talking shit will do the exact opposite. Numerous studies have found that regular shit talkers are more resistant to disease, enjoy a stronger immune system, worry less, live longer and enjoy greater happiness than their non-shit-speaking male counterparts.
In short, talking shit can be a life saver. Ladies, if you really love your man, let him talk shit. In fact, encourage him to talk shit. Think of the kids.
This article has been another fine example of a man talking shit.
Feel free to share on this most important subject.
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For all our research, resources, technology and collective intelligence there's still way more that we don't know about managing the human body, than we do. We like to think we're more enlightened than ever but in many ways we're still failing miserably when it comes to creating optimal health; just take a look around at our fat, stressed, addicted, depressed, unhealthy society. Could it be that we've been looking in the wrong place, using the wrong approach or maybe missing the point altogether?
Stumbling in the Dark
In the big wide world of health science (medicine, exercise, nutrition, disease prevention, immunology) we're still in the dark about many things. While plenty of experts talk as though they have the final word on the human body and how to manage it (feed it, exercise it, treat it, heal it), the truth is we're all still learning on the job; we're students. Or at least, we should be. As an exercise scientist with vast practical experience, a reasonable academic background and a good aptitude for this stuff, my knowledge, understanding and skill level are constantly improving (because I work at it) and at the same time, my beliefs and thinking are always evolving because I'm learning (and un-learning) things daily. My thinking about what I do and how I do it, and my practical approach to my work have changed over the years because I have grown, adapted, learned by doing and made numerous mistakes. My "what I don't know" list is still way bigger than my "what I do know" list. And always will be. I don't aspire to know it all, just more.
Knowing what we don't Know
Aside from what we know we don't know about the human body (with me?), there's also what we think we know but actually don't. Then there's the mountain of conflicting (research-based) information available to you and I, and last but not least, there's the widespread professional and philosophical disagreement between not only the individual experts in each field, but also between the various professions. Ask the same question to ten experts and you'll probably get ten different answers. And a headache.
Scientific Embarrassment
Some experts don't want you to know that much of what was scientific 'fact' only decades ago is now scientific embarrassment. In the next few years we will discover that a percentage of what we currently consider to be 'absolute' is either partial truth or completely wrong. On many levels we assume, hypothesize and guess but we don't know for certain. There is still much sickness and disease, and at the other end of the scale, health and healing, that doesn't actually make 'sense' according to our current scientific knowledge. We all know stories of people (friends and family perhaps) who have recovered from an illness that they shouldn't have. Or people with medical conditions that just don't seem to make sense (within the confines of our walls of current understanding). Or the person given three months to live five years ago who is still living a functional, happy, healthy and productive life today.
Choosing Health
For the last few years I've worked with a lady who isn't meant to be here; according to the doctors. All the 'medical intelligence' says she should have been dead years ago. Someone was wrong. And the science was wrong. Perhaps she determined her own destiny rather than having it forecast by a stranger or a set of mandatory rules that predicted her imminent death. Perhaps she chose to live and by making that choice something happened on a physiological level. Perhaps her psychology changed her physiology. And maybe her thinking produced biochemical changes which lead to changes in her immune system, improved health and ultimately, life not death.
The area of Psychoneuroimmunology (PNI) is a relatively new field of study (born in the mid seventies) which looks at how our thinking affects our immune system; how our mind affects our health. We now know that our mental and emotional states have a significant (and often under-estimated) impact on our physical health. Although other cultures have known and benefited from this understanding for centuries. People who dwell on the negative will have a suppressed immune system and will be more predisposed to illness, while their more positive counterparts will be less likely to fall ill. We know that prolonged mental and emotional stress (a form of illness) will invariably lead to physical disease just as we know that, happy people will typically outlive their stressed neighbours and have a better level of health doing it.
"For this is the great error of our day, that the physicians separate the soul from the body"- Hippocrates
Yep, an old Greek bloke figured this stuff out 2,500 years ago... some of us are a little slow to catch on.
Miracles
The cool thing is that when we look beyond that 'part' of the person (in this case, the body) and start to treat the 'whole' of the person (body, mind, spirit) we begin to move beyond logic, science and our own understanding. That's often where freedom is and where the miracles happen; a miracle being something that we can't explain with our humanistic, western, self-limiting mindset. Sometimes the very things which stand in the way of our health, healing and happiness are in fact science, logic and our erroneous beliefs and understanding of what's possible for us. Sometimes what works for you won't make sense in many people's eyes and won't be particularly scientific. And that's okay. Your mind, body and spirit are in constant communication but the question is, are you paying attention?. When we step out of the "I am a body" mindset and into the "my body is not who I am, it's where I live" paradigm, then the term complete health takes on a totally new meaning.
Treating the Person, not the Body.
By and large (whatever that means) western medicine is the only medical system in the world which treats the body in isolation rather than treating the entire person as an integrated unit. In most non-western medicines (for want of a better term) the person is treated as the multi-dimensional, amazing creature that they are, whereas in our culture we have traditionally treated the body, not the person. In many cultures (some would say, more evolved cultures), the mind, emotions, body and spirit are treated in unison because it is understood that when a part of the individual is unwell, the whole of the individual will be unwell. If not right now, soon.
The Black Sheep of the Scientific Family
I've just read what I've written so far and I guess this message could sound somewhat contradictory coming from a scientist (of sorts) and I can understand why many people would think that. On many levels I'm not very good at the 'science thing' because I find some of it to be limiting, wishy-washy and conflicting. Having said that, I still believe it should play (and continue to play) a role in the overall health management process, keeping in mind that it is constantly evolving and flawed; just like the people who create it and teach it. Including me. When we take away the scientific arrogance and the need to be right (we love being right in our culture because we have our ego attached to our triumphs), then we open our mind, body and spirit to a world of possibilities; a world of healing, happiness, harmony and health that lays beyond our understanding, logic and often beyond anything we've ever known or experienced.
When we (you and I) stop treating the body (in isolation) and start treating the person, we begin the move towards enlightenment, a shift in consciousness and complete health. Health like we've never known.
So my friend, look after not only your body, but your head, your heart and your spirit too.
Peace x
* Love to hear your thoughts on this subject - you know the drill.
So I guess we figured out how to get a bunch of comments (see yesterday's post); offer a prize! Thanks for all your suggestions, words of wisdom and insight; there was some great advice given. Next Monday I will let you know who has a signed copy of my book coming their way. Now that you first-time commenters have stopped lurking in the cyber-shadows, don't break the habit. I love your comments, ideas and feedback; it helps me know where my readers are at and often gives me ideas for future articles and studies.
All in the Name of Science
Not everything that I get involved in is particularly life-changing, educational, sensible or even responsible. In fact sometimes a little irresponsibility is exactly what I need; some strategic silly-ness. As long as nobody dies in the process I'm happy. Minor injuries; fine. A little emotional scarring; no problem. Well, in keeping with my commitment to periodic stupidity, last Friday Johnny, Mikey (my business partner) and I conducted the inaugural craigharper.com beer-a-thon.This involved Boy Wonder (Mikey) running a full marathon (42.2 km, 26 miles) using beer as his only means of hydration; he drank six stubbies (bottles) over his journey. Of course we wrapped some pseudo-science around the stupidity and tested things like blood alcohol and hydration levels (pre and post run) to make the project seem like there was some scientific point to it. In reality, all I wanted to see was Mikey hurl and fall down. We took some great video footage, got some interesting results and laughed our guts out. Well Johnny and I did. Mikey; not so much. He laughed his guts up. I won't tell you any more because I'm putting together a full report, complete with some hilarious video footage. It will be up in the next week or two, so stay tuned. Sometimes we take ourselves a little too seriously don't we...
Live-in RYL
Our two day live-in Renovate Your Life program is almost sorted for April(ish) next year. We're just finalising dates, logistics, cost and a venue at the moment. We're trying to make it cost-effective so that anyone who would benefit from the experience can make it along without having to sell their kids or mortgage the family home. We will announce the details next week.
TV
I'll be sharing the love on Channel Ten here in the Land Down Under tomorrow morning at 9.45(ish), so if you're near a telly, take a gander. We are discussing 'A Simple Strategy for Optimal Health' (a recent article of mine).
The Last Bit
Enjoy your weekend Kids. Do different to create different, stop over-thinking (yes, you) and be all about the answer, not the problem. And yes, you can change behaviours on a Friday or even a Saturday. Crazy I know.
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Hi Groovers. I apologise for being a little scarce lately but the rest of my life (the bit I get paid for) has been somewhat chaotic for the last eight weeks. I will do as many corporate gigs in the last three months of this year, as I did in the first nine! It's a good 'problem' to have and I love it but one of the by-products of my busy life right now is sleep deprivation and limited blogging time. And the attention span of a three year-old (at times). I'm writing this at ten o'clock Wednesday night and I've been up since three forty five this morning. I had to be in Sydney for an eight thirty meeting and then get back to Melbourne for lunch with Johnny. You know how he gets when he misses out on lunch with me. Tonight I went to a premiere of a movie (more of a documentary really) calledWheel of Life. I don't normally do premieres (okay never) but I'm in the film (doco) so I thought I best show my slightly exhausted, rapidly-aging, stubbly face. It's a personal development, change-your-thinking-life-and-reality type doco with some really amazing educators, thinkers and change-specialists in it.
And me.
Gotta say, I'm more than a little excited about bed tonight.
Anyway, on with today's post.
So the Over-Thinker has rated a few mentions here at me-dot-com but she has never had her own feature, so today is that day....
As a rule, thinking is a good thing and while some people don't do it enough (more often men), some do it way too much; the Over-Thinker (more often women). Don't yell at me, I'm just reporting the facts. Having said that, both genders can fall into either category but today we're going to chat about the one who does too much.
Some people think themselves into stagnation, frustration, exhaustion, anxiety and even illness. They have an aptitude for making the simple, complex, the easy, hard, the minor issue, a major drama and the pain-less, pain-ful. They are adept at snatching defeat from the jaws of victory and also at wasting their time and talent through age-old art of over-analysing everything and everyone; analysis paralysis. They are experts at misinterpreting what people are saying and if there is a way to have their feelings hurt, they'll find it. Even go looking for it. Not only do they have a history of almost doing things but more often than not they are obsessive, compulsive with perfectionistic tendencies. They worry too much. About nearly everything. They are people pleasers who want change (different) but the change process scares them. They don't need other people to sabotage their dreams or goals, they can do that all by themselves. They are highly skilled in the art of self-sabotage and if anyone will get in their way, it's them. They are... the Over-Thinker.
So, if you identify with any of the above, then you probably inhabit the cerebral landscape somewhere between casual Over-Thinker and chronic Over-Thinker. Here's a few tips to help you deal with your Over-Thinking-Ness (a word). (Now).
1.Stop waiting for perfection (perfect timing, perfect conditions) before you do what you know you should have done long ago. Being ambitious is great but aiming for perfection is unrealistic, impractical and debilitating. Aim for constant improvement and consciously and methodically work towards positive change where you need it most.
2. Don't assume. Don't act on hunches, act on facts.
3. Be more proactive; do stuff! Get out of the theory and into the practical. Now! Do at least one thing each day every day that will get you closer to where you want to be. Even if it scares you. Especially if it scares you. To steal someone else's book title, "Feel the Fear and Do it Anyway." Don't let fear hijack your potential or run your life (into the ground).
4. Ask yourself the right type of questions; the ones which will put you (mentally) in a positive, practical, productive and solution-focused head space. Acknowledge the problem but be all about the solution. Consciously find the good.
5. Have a sounding board (coach, friend, mentor, relative); someone who will provide you with relevant, meaningful, specific, unemotional feedback - you can't be objective about you. Make sure it's someone who will tell you what you need to hear, not what you want to hear.
6.In order to consistently and consciously move from mediocre to amazing, create a plan and totally commit to it. Don't give yourself an escape clause. Identify and commit to your non-negotiable behaviours.
7. Stop rationalising, justifying and explaining what you're not doing. Try honesty, it's quite effective. And liberating.
8.Keep a Success Diary (wanky name but great concept). Journaling your thoughts, decisions, behaviours and results is a great way to keep perspective, stay focused and motivated and to de-emotionalise the change process. It's also a good way for you to learn what works - for you.
9.Get out of your thoughts.EckhartTolle talks about finding that very quiet, relaxing and beautiful space beyond our thoughts. The place where peace, calm, joy and freedom live. This is something which needs to be worked on but with practice you'll be able to do it almost anywhere at any time. We don't know how hard it is to stop thinking until we try. And the irony is that moving beyond our thoughts is not really about trying but about letting go. Of the chaos. The mind can be an exhausting place and sometimes we need a holiday from it. If you struggle with this concept, start by losing yourself in some of your favourite music. Step out of your mind and into the music; away from the cerebral and into the creative. The spiritual. The non-thinker. If you're interested in exploring and understanding this concept more, check out EckhartTolle's book the Power of Now. It's kind of heavy going (possibly weird depending on where you're at) but well worth it if you can persevere and digest his words thoughtfully.
10. I'm not giving you a number ten. This one is for you to fill out. I want you tell the rest of us what the tenth tip should be. And to the person who provides me with the best piece of advice (as judged by me), I will send (okay, Johnny will send) you a signed copy of my book Fattitude (anywhere in the world). I will also take your tip and re-publish this article with your contribution and an acknowledgement to you. So here's your chance to be a published author. Of sorts. If you were finishing this article how would you finish it? Just leave your tip by clicking on the comment thingy.
And here's our winning entry from Vicki Gottliebsen...
10. With all the thoughts traveling around your head, some of them should be evicted, others are stuck and are too scared to come out. See your brain's thoughts as one massive Apartment Block. Let's look at Level 2 of your Apartment Block ... as you walk down the corridor, you hear the ol' crazy woman behind Apt 22 "you should have done it this way stuuupid...". Further down is the chatterbox in Apt 28 who always has her door open and jumps out and distracts you, just as you're trying to get somewhere. At the end of the corridor is Mr Gotnothingbettertodo who without fail stops you dead in your tracks "if you only saw how silly you looked you've never do that again!". These trouble-making tenants are in fact those thoughts that interupt your driving forces and freeze you with guilt, anxiety and reasons to keep us still. These tenants are really easy to spot, haven't paid rent in years, are up to no good and are causing trouble to all the other (good) tenants. These tenants must be evicted - effective immediately! Start right now - select the most disturbing tenant you know is doing you no good and hand deliver your notice NOW! Get in that elevator, press the button to the floor that you know you keep avoiding.. and march to their door with confidence and hand deliver that notice. If they don't co-operate, grab them by the ankles and toss them out. These tenants have been settled for a long time and know how to persuade you - so don't give in! Remember, you have other fantastic tenants there that will be right by your side to support you in this mass evacuation. This will make room for new, inspirational tenants. Make this Apartment Block your own - bring it back to life, create activities for your community, put in groovy carpet, bring in leafy plants, put in a bar upstairs with 24/7 feel good music (next to the brain spa and indoor pool) - even renovate a complete level and turn it into a brain haven where your tenants can go to put their feet up and recuperate. It's your Apartment Block - the possibilities are endless!
Thanks Vicki!
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About a hundred years ago when I was a young, fresh trainer (hard to believe I know) I had a meeting with a lady and her morbidly obese thirteen year-old son to talk about some training for him. The kid was about 160cm (five foot four) and 100kg (220lbs). In the first two minutes of our meeting the mother informed me that Junior was not in fact fat, but a big boned boy carrying 'a little' weight. At that point I asked Junior to let Mum (Mom) and I have a private chat. He left the room and the ensuing conversation went something like this:
CH: "Mrs _______ unless that big, soft lump spilling over the top of your son's pants is a bone, I'm pretty certain he's fat; really fat." Mum: (sporting a look of disbelief) "Sure he has a little puppy fat, but that's mostly his large frame."
CH: "No, it's not his frame; he's morbidly obese." Mum: "I find that offensive." CH: "I find it honest."
Mum: "What are you saying?"
CH: "I'm saying your son is not carrying a little puppy fat, I'm saying he's dangerously obese and you don't want to acknowledge that. I'm not trying to offend you, I'm giving you honest, accurate feedback and advice."
Mum: "I don't think you're taking into account his stocky body type."
We went back and forth for a few minutes but she wasn't remotely interested in the reality of the situation. She had created a story in her head which allowed her to feel more comfortable about the fact that she had a teenage son who weighed more than most adults; a child that she had enabled to be morbidly obese. She didn't like my version of the story. And I don't think she liked me. I get that a bit. She left and continued her search for "someone who would understand her son's situation." Clearly I didn't understand her big boned boy.
It is What it is.
I have been working with obese people for twenty seven years. On all levels; emotionally, psychologically, physically and practically. There's nothing I haven't seen or heard when it comes to the issue of fat people. I've even been a fat people (er, person). So I get it, not only theoretically, but experientially too. I understand how tough it is (on all levels) to lose weight and maintain results over an extended period of time. I know it hurts to be fat. Been there. I also know that many insensitive and uncaring people misuse and abuse the word fat in an attempt to hurt others and create some kind of negative outcome. We all know that idiots who taunt or insult obese people for entertainment need a smack in the head but... at the other end of the scale we have another group who are so politically correct, misguided and occasionally deluded that they consider the use of words like fat and obese to be unwarranted and potentially dangerous under any circumstances.
What Fat Isn't.
By the way, for the purpose of this article, the term fat is not an insult; it's a physiological state. But even having made that clear, I know that some people will get offended because that's what they do; they find a reason to complain rather than a reason to change. They want attention and sympathy, not a solution. After all, the solution to obesity involves discipline, self-control and hard work; not high on some people's list. If there's a way to get hurt, defensive or angry some people will find it no matter what. And then milk the crap out of it.
You can get mad at me or you can change your body. Your choice.
In a futile attempt to keep everyone's feelings intact, we have integrated terms like big boned, full figured, stocky, thick set, voluptuous, puppy fat and solid into our vocabulary. "Hmm, he's a solid lad isn't he."
Nope, he's fat.
But What About Their Arteries?
I'm confused as to why we (the society) seem to be so concerned with, and vocal about, people's emotional welfare (surrounding their obesity) but not nearly as concerned with, or vocal about, their fat bodies and the potential physical consequences of that obesity. It's like, "whatever you do, don't hurt their feelings... sure they might be heading towards heart disease, diabetes, respiratory issues, back problems and a range of related conditions but if you must talk to them about 'you-know-what' (shhh), please don't mention the 'F' word. Call it something else."
When I was a fat teenager, I was f-a-t. Not solid. Not big boned. Not stocky. No, I was morbidly obese. Large. Huge. Whopping. I ate too much and moved too little and the result was one very fat kid. Sure, I could try to make this story sound slightly less confronting and possibly more reader friendly, but do I really need to? Why must we avoid stating the obvious? The truth. The practical reality of our fat culture and population.
A Little Short Term Pain for Some Long Term Gain
I'm not for one moment suggesting that any of us should be insensitive or uncaring when dealing with people who are battling obesity, neither am I saying that creating real change is not a tough, emotional and at times, painful process. I know it is and I am mindful of this when I talk to people. I care about people's feelings very much but I care about their physical health more. I would rather hurt someone's feelings for five minutes if there's a chance it might lead to a longer, healthier, happier life. Of course my preferred option would be to not offend them at all and get them in shape physically. For years I struggled with my body but it wasn't until I stopped the pity party, ditched the destructive behaviours, changed my mindset, de-emotionalised the process (as best I could) and got very practical and honest about my fat self that things started to turn around.
We can continue to make obesity an emotional soap opera or we can roll up our sleeves, step into reality, make some tough decisions, be honest and practical... and then do what needs to be done to create a healthier population.
Or we can continue being big-boned and full-figured.
Yesterday I did some radio on the ABC here in Melbourne (it's Sunday night now) and while we covered a few topics, the one subject which dominated the bulk of the talk-back conversation was gastric bypass surgery. It seems that many people have an opinion on it and it's an issue which certainly evokes emotion (of all types). At present here in Australia, it is being suggested by some in the political arena that we tax payers should foot the bill (or part thereof) for obese people who choose to opt for that particular surgical procedure.
But this Article Isn't about Surgery
Personally, I'm not a fan of the proposal but that's just my opinion and as it stands I don't think I'll be influencing parliamentary outcomes any time soon. Of course there were talk-back callers in both camps (for and against) and as always, there were a few people-pleasing, fence-sitters who said nothing in particular and just wanted their thirty seconds of air time. That's okay; no harm done.
But none of that was what really grabbed my attention.
A Shift
Maybe it's just a shift in my consciousness and/or a change in my level of awareness, but what became very apparent to me being part of that on-air discussion was some people's need to be right no matter what. People who need to be right are dangerous. And abundant. You'll find them in governments, at schools, in churches, in businesses, on blogs, on sporting teams, on radio and in every walk of life. They're not really interested in learning, connecting or considering any thoughts or ideas other than their own. They periodically feign humility but it's just a show. They don't discuss; they deliver a sermon. If not, a tirade. They don't talk with you; they talk at you. They are not interested in the greater good; they are (often) self-absorbed, unaware, delusional egomaniacs who like to show others how intellectually, academically, philosophically and spiritually superior they are. They definitely don't want you or I to teach them anything.
Humility and Open-Mindedness
I have many strong opinions (no shit) but as a rule, I am open for discussion, correction and education on most things, as long as the chat transpires in a civil, logical and respectful way and as long as my educator is humble, open minded and well-meaning. Irrational, self-righteous, loud-talking, ranting zealots annoy me. The more you an I need to be right, the more shut down we become to what the world and everyone and everything in it has to teach us. The more we will miss out on.
If (some of) our political and religious leaders were less concerned with being right and more concerned with being righteous, perhaps the world would be a very different place.
But that's just what I think; I could be wrong.
Are you EVER one of those people who needs to be right?
The thought of being alone terrifies most of us. It seems we have an inbuilt need to be part of something (a group, an organisation, a team, a tribe, a religion, a family, a gang) or someone else. We have an overwhelming urge to be loved, needed, wanted, valued, desired and appreciated. To belong. Without being attached to someone or something many of us feel incomplete. Invisible. Less valuable. Less worthy. Confronted with the possibility of being alone, many people will do strange, desperate, irrational, embarrassing and even dangerous things. We fear isolation; social, emotional, psychological and physical isolation. We crave to touch and be touched; both literally and metaphorically. Before a baby can understand anything, it understands and craves touch. It also understands isolation. We carry that into adulthood.
Robinson Crusoe
I don't believe we're built to be alone; to live an indefinite life of isolation. We're not particularly good at it. And it's not always healthy for us. Having said that, I also know that periods of isolation can be an integral and valuable part of our personal growth journey; life changing even. While we don't want to live a life apart (understandably), being constantly attached to someone or something (I am not necessarily talking about a romantic relationship here) is also unhealthy and potentially destructive over the long term.
What Terrifies us Teaches Us
Sometimes the thing that scares us most is exactly what we need to learn, grow, adapt and gain strength (but not what we necessarily want or appreciate at the time). In many cases, what terrifies us teaches us. It can help us discover who we really are (and aren't) beyond our attachment to, or relationship with, someone or something else. In a sense, it can allow us to stop being a part of something (for a while) and to start being an all of something else; all of me. All of you. Some of us have been a part (only) for so long, that it can feel like we lost us long ago.
Noise and Distraction
Some of us love to immerse ourselves in constant busy-ness, mayhem, noise and people; it allows us to keep our head in the sand for just a little bit longer. To numb the pain. To ignore what our heart has been telling us for a long time. Note that I said heart, not head. Although our mind is an incredible computer with infinite ability, it also has the capacity to deceive, lie and mislead. To sabotage our potential. To get in our way. To stand between us and fulfillment, peace, happiness, nirvana, success; whatever that means for us personally. If we don't control it, it will control us. You know what I mean because it's often busy in your head isn't it? Too busy. Our heart, on the other hand, speaks only truth. And while the truth can set us free, it also scares us. And of course, we don't like being scared.
Silence
We can all benefit from regular silence, space, solitude and serenity; the four S's. Sometimes a dose of 'alone' is the best medicine. Many of us live in the middle of mayhem. Periodic mayhem; okay. Constant mayhem; not okay. What our mind wants and what our heart and body need are often poles apart. Being away from the busy-ness, the crowds and the mayhem means listening to that still, small voice; the one we've been so good at ignoring for far too long. The voice of our heart. Whenever we're alone, really alone, it commands our attention. Being alone scares some of us because it makes us feel. Deeply. It makes us face up to... us. The entirety of us; the good, the bad and the dysfunctional. For many people, silence is completely terrifying; something to be avoided. It's too confronting. It makes them feel and feeling hurts, so noise it will be. Their eternal companion is the distraction of the TV, radio, iPod or anything loud enough and constant enough to eradicate the silence. Anything that will drown out that still small voice. Personally, I love silence. I crave it. I miss it when I don't have it. It nourishes my soul, gives me perspective, calm and balance.
Not Sexy
One of life's ironies is that the more desperate we are to be loved, needed, accepted and wanted, the less attractive we will be to anyone (person, group, organisation) and the more disconnected we may ultimately be. And I'm not just speaking about personal relationships here. Note to self: desperation; not sexy. Over the years I have watched many of my friends, colleagues and clients do stupid (I mean ridiculous) things to impress family and friends, to belong to a group, to attract someone or to keep a hold on a person. Anything from telling major lies, to compromising their values and beliefs, to getting pregnant, to feigning illness, to threatening violence, to major cosmetic surgery. And as you would imagine, those tactics always work out well. Not.
Getting to Know You
In reality those people don't need anyone or anything else to be complete, or worthy or amazing or beautiful. Neither do you. As long as our self esteem, our sense of self-worth, our happiness, our confidence and our identity are totally dependant on any relationship (person, organisation, etc.), we will always be insecure because all relationships are temporary. The only question being, how temporary? You on the other hand, you will always be in your life, so maybe you should spend some quality time with you, sooner, rather than later.
When you get to know you, you may even like you.
If you don't know it already, I'll tell you right now - you are an amazing, spectacular and beautiful person with more potential than you know. And no, this is not some feel-good, mumbo-jumbo hype; this is absolute truth. If it's not your truth, it needs to be. I know these words won't sit well with some of you (what with that crappy self-esteem and destructive self-talk), but once again, that's just your mind sabotaging your happiness, your potential and your future. Stop it.
Did you know that over the last two years I have written and published nearly six hundred articles on this site? Plus a bunch more for various magazines. Most of them with some component of education, motivation, insight and/or inspiration. And the odd splash of humour. As somebody said to me the other day "shit you write a lot." And yep, I do. I'm totally passionate about and committed to what I do; helping people change their lives. Amazingly, some people have read everything I've ever written here at me-dot-com. But even more amazing is the fact that some who have read everything... have applied absolutely nothing!
Read with Caution...
We all understand that change doesn't come from reading (only) right? It happens when we turn the theory into a practical reality; from doing what we know, not from knowing what to do. To me it seems that some people just aren't serious about change. They act serious but that's all they do; act. They are performers, not doers. They say the right things but they never actually follow through. You know them. You could even bethem from time to time. They talk about it and think about it almost incessantly but they just don't want it badly enough. For whatever reason, they're just not willing to do what it takes. Talk to them and they will rationalise, justify and explain why they're not doing what they know they should. They've been almost doing things for years. While they are finding an excuse, people who are serious (about creating their best life) are finding a way. While they are immersed in the problem, people like me are all about the solution. I used to be much more tolerant with the career excuse-makers and procrastinators but twenty-something years down the track I am sick of their crap, their delusional thinking, their mental and emotional weakness and their constant bullshit. There. I said it. Harsh? Maybe. Honest? Definitely.
I feel better.
No More Pointless Conversations
These days I only want to work with people who are actually ready to do what's necessary to create life-long positive change. I'm not interested in having more meaningless, unproductive, pointless conversations with people who have no real intention of doing what needs to be done; people who are more interested in getting sympathy and attention than they are in learning, growing and doing. The idea (of change) appeals to them but the reality of it is another story. I'm too busy for any more pseudo conversations. I used to wonder how many of my articles it would take. And then I would remind myself that I can't change anybody but me. Some people will read one of my articles and change their life, while others will read everything I've ever written and never change a thing. Why? Because it's not about what I write, it's about what people do with what I write. It's about whether people use the information. Use their potential. Use their opportunities. Do what needs to be done... as opposed to what's comfortable, convenient and easy.
Craig the Romance Novelist
I am constantly being told by people that they love the way I teach, my writing style and my honesty (of course some hate it too). Well that's nice and I appreciate the support, but what I'm really after is reports of incredible results. Amazing change. Yes I want people to enjoy my writing, my thoughts and my lessons but what I want more is transformed lives. Writing for the sake of writing is not rewarding and not what I'm about. As a personal development writer (sorry about that wanky label) mentor, coach and educator, if my writing doesn't impact lives in a real, practical and measurable way, then what's the point? I may as well write romance novels.
There's a thought.
"It was a warm summer evening as he ambled slowly towards the homestead; a walk he thought he'd never make again. It had been four long years at war but through the kitchen window and the fading light she couldn't help but recognise that unmistakable silhouette. For a moment she thought it was a dream. Her heart skipped a beat, her mind raced and she ran like a young girl to the front door. He reached the verandah, dropped his bag, opened his arms and without speaking a single word their lips met..."
Okay, perhaps not.
Er, aaaah, ummm....
Being a personal development writer who is expected to churn out high volume (the nature of blogging) and high quality work is often a tough gig but that's okay; I don't mind tough. To be honest, there have been a few times when I have sat at my computer and thought "what can I possibly say today that hasn't already been said? Or how can I say it in a way which will have more impact on my readers?" I guess there have been times when I have put too much pressure on myself to help people produce results but then I remember, I'm only the writer and YOU are the doer. So I'll write and you do.
As some of you know, I've never been drunk. Or nearly drunk. Never been a drinker of alcohol. At all. Never had a can of beer or a glass of wine. Or a glass of any alcohol for that matter. Living in a country and a culture where your beer-drinking ability almost defines you as a man, being a non-drinker can raise a few eyebrows and generate anything from questions and curiosity, to criticism. When I was about fifteen I went away with some of my buddies and of course there was alcohol involved. Most of my friends were already drinking (occasionally) but I had never really tried it. On the recommendation of my buddies (thanks Vin) I tasted (sipped) a few alcoholic options. To me they all tasted like crap. The boys told me to persevere with the beer. I persevered for about a third of a can; it still tasted like crap. That was my drinking career over. Okay I didn't give it much of a chance but to be honest I didn't see the point. I didn't want to give it a chance. Some things are worth persevering with, for me alcohol wasn't one of them. For me, an alcohol-free life has always been my normal.
By the Way, it's not About Alcohol; it's About Standards.
Am I judging drinkers? Nope. I'm talking about me, nobody else. My rules, my standards, my behaviour, my normal. Am I against alcohol? Nope. Am I against excessive drinking? Of course; I'm against excessive anything. In fact this article is not about alcohol or my sobriety; it's about behaviours, standards, choices and outcomes. It's about what we choose to do with what we've got; how we manage US. Or don't manage us, as the case may be. The beauty of being rational, logical, educated adults is that you and I have the opportunity to create our own standards and rules; what is normal for you and me. We have the freedom and ability to create a productive, constructive and healthy version of normal, or we can do the opposite (consciously or not) and create an unhealthy, destructive version. Every single day we have the opportunity to change our standards (the way we think, choose, react, behave, produce, live) and to create a 'new and improved' normal for ourselves. Some of us have been living an unhealthy version of normal for far too long and it's time for us to create a new, more effective and drastically different normal (that is, standard) if we are serious about creating better outcomes in our world over the long term (our lifespan). A normal that will enable us to live a more balanced, more fulfilled, happier, productive and healthier life. Or perhaps a normal that will allow us to... live. Full stop.
A Normal that Will Lift You Up
If, like me, you're a person who wants to maximise your potential, live your dreams, overcome your fears, break those destructive habits and behaviours, lose the stinking thinking and create amazing and exceptional outcomes on a consistent basis, then it could be time for you to create a new normal; a normal that will stretch you physically, creatively, professionally, academically, psychologically, emotionally and spiritually. A normal that will lift you up, not drag you down. A normal that will take you out of the group mentality, the pack thinking, the mediocre mindset and the undesirable outcomes. A normal that will enable you to become a better version of you.
If you want to be like the majority then do what they do; procrastinate, embrace destructive habits, talk shit, waste time, waste talent, make excuses, get angry, blame others and throw yourself a regular pity party. If you want to create exceptional results then do exceptional things; do what most won't. Do different to produce different.
No real lesson today, just a little update from the top bit of the best country in the world.
So here I am in Paradise. Well a tropical, somewhat humid version of Paradise anyway. I'm in Port Douglas to speak at a conference. I'm staying here at the Sheraton Mirage and I gotta say, I've had tougher gigs. Like when I used to get punched in the head for twelve bucks an hour as a crowdcontroltechnician in the 80's. And then drive home with blood on my shirt. Aaaah, so many lessons. And bruises.
I'm not From Around Here... Can You Tell?
When I left Melbourne yesterday morning it was about 11C (50F) with no humidity (to speak of) and I when I arrived here last night it was 35C (nearly 100F) and about four thousand percent humidity. Pretty much. Being the mental giant that I am, I went straight to the gym, started heaving some weights (as alpha males do) and nearly spontaneously combusted. I'm not sure, but I think my fluorescent white skin, my profuse sweating and my inability to cope with the heat may have alerted the locals to my "I'm not from around here" status. Somehow I don't think I'll adapt to the heat in the course of my twenty four hour stay.
Heat Exhaustion and Hypothermia... in the Same Room!
When I stay in the tropics I always struggle to get the air-conditioning and the fan things right in my hotel room at night time. I'm either swimming in my own body fluids or giving myself hypothermia through air-conditioner mis-management. Last night I alternated between back-stroking in sweat and scraping the frost off my nose. I clearly need to do some kind of air-conditioning workshop. I'm hot, I'm cold. I'm up, I'm down. Blankets on, blankets off. Tossing, turning. TV on, TV off. Any advice?
The All-You-Can-Eat-Breakfast...
I just got back from doing a sound check (they do that with big auditoriums) and eating my breakfast. I am on stage at 10:40 and presenting to about three hundred people. The sound check wasn't particularly eventful but I must say the 'all-you-can-eat-breakfast' at a holiday resort is always guaranteed to be an entertaining, interesting and at times, logic-defying spectacle for the casual observer. I wrote an article the other day about focus, well if you want to see real focus, come to a place like this and watch some people at the all-you-can-eat buffet. They are motivated, focused and committed to eating. At any cost. It actually makes me sad to see people destroying their health with gluttony. I know they don't want my advice or help but part of me wants to rip those muffins and croissants out of their fat little fingers and shake them. I watched a huge lady this morning load up her plate with a (big) cooked breakfast three times. She didn't fit on her chair and without trying to be rude, there was more of her ass off the chair, than on. Much more. Okay maybe it was a little rude. And a lot honest. She would have weighed 150kg (330lbs), been five foot three or four and about thirty five years old. I hope she makes forty.
The Happiness Scale
I've made another interesting observation since I've been here; on the happiness scale, a lot of people seem to hover somewhere between mildly content and completely miserable. Well, their faces seem to anyway. Now, I know what you're thinking, "how can they be miserable; they're in paradise." Well, I agree with you but listen to my experience...
Some Field Research
To get anywhere here, you need to do quite a bit of walking because it's a massive resort. So I've been walking all over the place. Walking to breakfast this morning I walked past at least twenty people going in the opposite direction. Being as it was only them and I on that part of the track, I would try to make eye contact (as I do), smile at them and say "good morning". Person after person avoided eye contact, looked at the ground and didn't acknowledge the needy only-child at all. In the course of my fifteen minute walk to breakfast (I went the long way), one person looked at me and said good morning. He was a friendly old guy. I love friendly old guys. Not to be confused with creepy, annoying old guys. As I looked at these people, the majority just didn't seem very happy. Not a smile to be seen. I wondered if I was imagining it, so I decided to conduct an impromptu study; a little field research in the tropics.
So I did two trials...
Trial One: In the first trial I walked past thirty people (not a massive sample I know), looked at them and smiled if they happened to make eye contact with me. Of the thirty subjects, twenty three made no eye contact with me at all (keep in mind that we were walking towards each other on a foot path), and of the seven who did make eye contact, three returned a smile and one of the three said hello. Bonus! Four (of the seven) actually looked away when I smiled at them. That may say something about me! Of course there are many variables and factors which can influence results but it was an interesting observation and outcome nonetheless. Perhaps shyness plays a role. Interpret the results as you will. If for example, I was an attractive female researcher instead of.... well, me... perhaps the results may been different. Or not.
Trial Two: For the second trial, I went on the attack. Again, my sample size was thirty. I said good morning to every person I passed, even the ones who didn't look at me and clearly weren't up for a chat. I was annoyingly friendly. Here are my results:
* Six didn't look at me or respond at all; they completely ignored me (even though I spoke to them).
* Of the twenty four who did respond, only four smiled back at me (twenty six non-smilers).
* About half (not exactly sure, it was research on the run) of those who did reply, didn't seem particularly happy to be spoken to.
I could interpret this data and come up with some philosophical theory on the matter but why don't you tell me what you think. Can you imagine being in paradise and not being happy? Maybe happiness is not about our external environment but our internal one? Hmmm. Perhaps it's possible to be in Paradise and hell at the same time? It would seem that misery is portable; some people take it everywhere with them. Oops, time to go. I have a crowd to address.
November 9, 2:08pm
Wow, I cut that a little fine. I lost track of time (hello, my name is Craig and I'm a blogoholic) and got to where I needed to be with about ten minutes to spare. When you fly interstate to give a presentation it's always good to actually turn up for it. Strangely, the conference organisers seem happier when I show! Something about value for money...
My gig went well, they were a great crowd, nobody threw rotten fruit and we had lots of fun. I'm sure I offended a few. Maybe ten. Got some very nice feedback and had a great lunch with some of the conference attendees. The funny thing about eating lunch with three hundred people after you've just hammered them for seventy five minutes about diet, exercise, lifestyle and attitude is that EVERYONE comes to see what the freak is eating for lunch. Clearly they don't know about my cheesecake issues.
Anyway, I need to get out of this hotel room, stretch my legs, get off this computer, enjoy a little sun and then start the epic journey home to the thriving metropolis of Melbourne. Tell me your thoughts on my 'research'. How do you interpret the results? See you tomorrow.
Do you ever feel like you're flat out achieving not much? Very busy but not particularly effective or productive? Or fulfilled? Like you're investing significant time and energy but not producing your desired results? Like the veritable mouse on the treadmill; a lot of running with no progress? Welcome to a very large club; the Lack-of-Focus Club. Not a sexy name I know, but it's very real and it's membership is growing daily. In this club we're not absolutely clear about what we want, so we try to do everything. And be everything. With disastrous results.
The Frustrated Juggler
When it comes to exploring your potential and living your dreams, maybe it's time for you to work smarter, more methodically and with much more focus. Less emotion, less balls in the air, more logic, more system and more effectiveness. Better focus equals better results. Perhaps it's time to prioritise, to plan more effectively and to determine what is the best use of your time, energy and potential in your quest to create your ideal life. This might mean putting some goals and plans on hold (or losing them altogether) while you focus yourself to make others a reality. It might mean getting clear about your values, your objectives and what's most important to you (right now) in terms of the reality you're working towards. Be practical, be realistic and be honest; is what you've been doing (to this point in time) working? If not, change it! Sometimes the more things we try to achieve at once, the less likely we are to achieve anything over the long term. Many of us spend much of our lives with too many balls in the air and as a consequence, we do fifty things badly (or not as well as we would like) instead of a few things well. We end up exhausted, frustrated and often, back where we started. Sound familiar?
My List
The list of things I want to do, be and create over the next five years is long. However, the majority of my list receives no attention or energy from me at the moment because my current commitments and responsibilities require my full attention and focus. When I get focused, I create momentum, excitement and better results. If you're like many people, then perhaps it's time for you to stop doing a lot of things badly and start doing a few things well.
Charles Darwin once said, "It is not the strongest of the species that will survive, or the most intelligent; it is the one most adaptable to change." That thinking applies not only in the sense of physical survival as a species, but on many levels in our everyday living; emotionally, psychologically, technologically, professionally, financially, politically, culturally, romantically and in 2008, environmentally. If you and I can't adapt, we can't survive.
A Dynamic World
We live in a constantly changing, dynamic world; people change, rules change, laws change, social and behavioural standards change, language and communication is ever-changing, cultures evolve, industry standards shift, technology is racing and of course the health of our planet is in a constant state of change. Or should I say decline? If we very educated residents (of Earth) do not adapt by changing our thinking, standards and behaviours quickly and dramatically (in relation to our planet and it's resources) then we won't have much to worry about because we won't be here.
We Like What we Like
If there's one thing many of us aren't in 2008, it's adaptable. Nope, we are big fans of... SAME. We love consistency, predictability, familiarity and comfort. We love to know what to expect; what's coming. Heading into unfamiliar territory scares the crap out of us. Change ain't really our thing; too uncomfortable, too scary, too unknown, too risky. On the one hand we want to become the new and improved version of us, but on the other hand we do our best to avoid the very thing that causes us to adapt, grow, learn, improve and evolve; change. Over my journey I have seen many talented, intelligent people crash and burn simply because they can't deal with change. Their inability to adapt keeps them trapped in mediocrity and misery.
What About You?
Have you ever considered that your level of success (whatever success means for you), could be dependant on your ability to adapt to situations, circumstances, environments, challenges and even tragedy?
Have you ever wondered why ten different experts (I use that term cautiously) will give you ten completely different answers to the same question? Could it be that they are all wrong? Confused perhaps? Is one right and the other nine wrong? Is there any chance that they are all right in some way? Perhaps a particular answer is right for one person but wrong for another? Perhaps one person's solution is another's problem? How is it that well qualified, knowledgeable, experienced practitioners, educators and experts can all vary so much in their thinking, beliefs, diagnoses, prescription and advice about the exact same issue? We see this time and time again even with experts and specialists within the same field, so how are us mere mortals meant to know who or what to believe? When the experts can't agree, no wonder the non-experts feel helpless, betrayed, frustrated and even scared.
A solution: YOU.
The truth is that you know more about your body than anyone else; you are an expert about you. You might not have the technical, academic or scientific understanding of some, but you know your body and how it responds to a broad range of variables; heat, cold, foods, drugs, stress, lack of sleep, exercise, alcohol, sadness, excitement, happiness. Your body is an incredible feedback machine which is constantly sending information to your brain. You eat too much; it tells you to stop eating. You hurt your back moving the couch; it sends a signal to your brain to stop lifting. You under-sleep; it tells you to sleep more. You get stressed (elevated heart rate, respiration, blood pressure, cortisol production); it tells you to relax and slow down. Your body is constantly telling you what to do but the questions are: (1) are you listening and (2) are you acting on the information it's giving you?
So Educated, So Stupid
Many of us clever Westerners have mastered the 'art' of ignoring our body; a dangerous practice considering it's where we live and we can't get a new one. Neglect your car? Okay. The gutters on your house? Okay. Your body? Not okay. So educated and so stupid. Our body tells us to sleep, we ignore it. It tells us to lose weight, we eat more than ever. It tells us to avoid the chaos, the stress, the mayhem and to find some peace... we take a pill and push on. It tells us how much it enjoys fun and laughter but we're too busy becoming successful to have fun. It tells us how much it needs and enjoys movement but we have become the sit-down generation. It tells us that cigarettes, alcohol and drugs are destructive but we don't listen. We abuse our greatest resource. We disrespect it. We waste it. And ultimately, we destroy it.
Educated Guessing
The truth is, more often than not the expert in the picture is taking an educated guess about your situation, condition or problem. Nothing more. By the way, that's not a bad thing. That's their job; what they are meant to do. But more importantly, it's your job to listen to what your body is telling you (every day) and respond intelligently. Keeping in mind that intelligence is not about what we know; it's about what we do with what we know.
Despite what some people would have you believe, medicine (and all its components), exercise prescription and nutrition are not exact sciences; they are constantly evolving and changing shape. In ten years the experts will laugh at (some of) what we embrace as scientific fact today. I am not saying they shouldn't play a role in developing your overall health strategy, but keep in mind that there's far more that they don't know, than they do. I should know; I'm (meant to be) one of them.
YOU the Expert
By the way, I believe that most health and fitness professionals operate with integrity and do the very best they can with their patients and clients to produce optimal outcomes with the knowledge, skill, experience and understanding that they have. And many of them do an amazing job. I'm not saying that we shouldn't use them or seek their services but what I am saying is that the person who will have the greatest influence on your health over the long term is... YOU. Doctors, trainers, dietitians, psychologists and physio (physical) therapists are not answers to problems; they are resources. They can't fix you, they can only advise, educate, direct and encourage you. Despite my resources, my knowledge, my qualifications, my experience and my understanding, the only body I have ever transformed is mine. That's because I can't eat, exercise or choose for anyone but me. And when I choose to listen to my body, it talks to me constantly.
The Truth. Pretty Much.
When you consider that all scientific research (medical, nutritional, exercise) has to be funded by someone, you start to realise that not all science might be as pure and noble as we would like it to be. Plenty of 'scientific' research is funded by companies who have a vested interest in their team producing certain results; results that will give them more leverage to sell their product in a very competitive market place. As long as scientific research is conducted by humans, it will be flawed. Who said drug companies? As long as companies have an agenda and a reason to produce certain results (and they do), then their research will not be truly independent, objective or unbiased. What they ultimately report and conclude can be misleading, if not completely inaccurate and misrepresentative of the truth. Their methodology might be flawed, the results might be manipulated or misinterpreted to suit their cause, or they might keep modifying the study until they find a way to create the desired outcomes. For example, do you really think that if the beef industry commissioned (and funded) a study into the long term effects of beef consumption and the results of their research were negative that they would come out and tell us all to reduce our beef intake?
What Should We Do?
We need to learn the truth (what works for us) when it comes to our own personal health; our body. We need to educate ourselves about our own body and not operate on blind faith. Even well-meaning people can mislead you. Keep in mind that different things work for different bodies and that a generic prescription (be that medical, nutritional or exercise-based) will never be optimal for you. Six hours sleep might be plenty for me, while eight is not enough for you. Three thousand calories per day might make me fat but leave you starving. 1,500 milligrams of sodium per day might send your blood pressure through the roof but have no impact on mine. The same workout will make me sore for three days but leave you with zero post-exercise soreness. Three eggs per day might send my cholesterol off the chart but have no effect on yours. When it comes to your body, ask questions; of others and yourself. Read. Study. Consciously and proactively learn something new each day. Seek to understand how YOUR body works. Listen, it will teach you. Just because you're not (necessarily) a health professional doesn't mean you can't have incredible knowledge and understanding, and why wouldn't we all want that?
In keeping with my philosophy of not making things unnecessarily complex, I have some simple rules that work for me. You might want to consider them.
Craig's Non-Negotiables...
1. Constantly educate yourself and apply what you learn. Kind of self-explanatory really. It's a pity people choose not to learn.
2. Listen to your body. Sometimes it's the only one who knows what you need. It's a great teacher but are you a good student? 3. Eat for health not pleasure.No, this doesn't mean you can't enjoy food, it means don't be a pig. It means have a healthy relationship with food. Don't reward, motivate or medicate with food.
4. Move your body. This ain't just about structured exercise, it's about living a life with more movement in it. Compared with our great grandparents, the majority of us expend about 800 less calories per day simply because we spend so much time lying and sitting. Increase your incidental and occupational activity.
5. Manage your stress. Along with sleep, stress is the one thing that can have a dramatic (negative) impact on your physical health in a very short time. That and getting hit by a truck. We now know that there is a huge relationship between mental and emotional stress and physical disease. If you don't manage it, it will manage you.
6. Sleep. Kind of important. Zzzzz. 7. Stay well hydrated. Being as your body's about two thirds water, you might wanna stay hydrated. A surprising number of people (about 60-70%) are dehydrated on a regular basis. Constipation, headaches, lethargy, mood swings, inability to concentrate and reduced physical ability (endurance, strength, co-ordination) are some of the potential outcomes of dehydration. If you're not a fan of water, eat foods with a high water content (fruit, vegetables, cheesecake). 8. Find happiness. There's a lot of evidence to suggest a very strong correlation between happiness and longevity. Find what (who) makes you happy and hang the heck on.
As most of you know, Johnny, Vive and I have just finished our little road trip around the nation sharing the Renovate Your Life love. We had a ball, learned a bunch, got some great feedback and overall, the workshops were very well received. Phew. The overwhelming response was that people wanted more than four hours so we're now planning our two day (live-in) version which will run around March-April next year. Anyway, for those of you who couldn't make it along, I thought I'd share a ten minute (9:50) snapshot from our Sydney workshop. Keep in mind that the footage was shot on Johnny's thirty five dollar camera, it hasn't been edited in any way and my camera man is certainly no Steven Spielberg! Oh... and there may be a teensy weensy bit of swearing. Sorry. Take a peek at the clip (click on the play thingy) and enjoy your Tuesday.
G'day Groovers. Sorry the downloads have been a little scarce lately; I've been a busy boy flitting around the nation sharing a little Life Renovation Love with the masses. I'm in Sydney today presenting a workshop for a team of lawyers and legal folk, so I'm guessing that whole 'work-life balance' part of my presentation should be interesting! I hope your weekend was fun, we had our last RYL (for a while) here in Melbourne at the Harperdome (my gym) and we had a ball. Lots of laughs, plenty of learning, a few tears and if certain people do what they need to, lives changed forever. I thought that today I'd share a story with you from my early days of PT. Have a great week.
A Deer in the Headlights
Not long after I opened my first Personal Training studio an older lady walked through the front door. It wouldn't be unkind to say that she didn't really look like the 'gym type'; early to mid sixties, morbidly obese and carrying what looked to be her shopping. Not that a gym can't be home to all ages, shapes, sizes and types, but she definitely looked like a deer in the headlights as she tentatively made her way from the door towards me. At 5'2" and 101kgs (222lbs), it's fair to say that Tonia was in need of a physical (and as it turned out, mental and emotional) overhaul. Unnecessarily Large Arms
She walked into the gym around lunch time and I was on my own, lifting weights. So there we were; me and the sixty four year-old (as it turned out), petrified, Italian grandmother who had never set foot in a gym, or been involved in any structured exercise, in her life. Standing there in my singlet with my shaved head, my unnecessarily large arms (those were the days) and some AC-DC pumping, I realised that I was probably scaring the shit out of her; not really my goal as a new business owner trying to build a clientele.
A New Client
So I turned down the noise, put on a shirt, sat her in a chair and did my best to demonstrate that I was much more than a monosyllabic, intimidating beefcake. Within a few minutes, the absolute terror was replaced with mild curiosity and ten minutes later the curiosity had made way for enthusiasm to begin an exercise program. I had a new client; a morbidly obese, hypertensive granny with Type-2 Diabetes! To that point in my career, I had seriously never met a less athletic person in my life (in terms of fitness, co-ordination, strength, balance). But the beauty of working with someone who had zero understanding of exercise and zero experience was that, in terms of her beliefs, knowledge, understanding and expectations (about what was possible for her), I was working with a clean sheet. When I told her that we would complete a five kilometre (three mile) fun run within six months, she had no reason not to believe me. I, on the other hand, wondered if I was completely full of shit.
When she told me that she had never run in her life (even one hundred metres), I believed her. However, she was very excited at the prospect of completing a fun run. Oops. I wondered if I had opened my gob prematurely and possibly over-estimated her potential and my ability as a trainer. In the first four weeks of training we did all the normal things; created an overall plan, modified her diet, addressed her crappy habits, educated her, set some goals and of course, started to run. Now, I know what you're thinking; how far can a morbidly obese, diabetic grandmother run and the answer to your question is... not very far.
Baby Steps
On her first day of running (her debut workout), Tonia and I completed ten, thirty metre jogs in a straight line on soft grass. We'd jog thirty metres (very slowly), rest for a minute or so and then go again. For her, completing those shuttle runs was like running a marathon. She loved her first session and was totally pumped. For an Italian grandmother that is. By the end of week two (she was doing three sessions per week), she completed ten one hundred metre jogs in her session and had lost 4 kgs (8.8lbs); not bad. Of course I could give you a blow by blow account of her progression over the first six months but let's just say that the gorgeous Italian grandmother did incredible things and probably taught me more than I taught her.
The Shrinking Granny
Two days before her sixty fifth birthday and five and a half months after we met, Tonia completed a five kilometre run without stopping!! It wasn't particularly rapid or pretty, but she did it; something she had never even dreamed of doing until months before. Something completely amazing. I ran beside her. By the time the day of the run arrived, Tonia had gone off all medication (with her doctor's consent) and had lost 37 kgs (81.4 lbs). Her 101 kg body had shrunk to a (relatively) svelte 64 kgs (140 lbs). She later lost another 9 kgs and stabilised at 55 kgs (121 lbs). We tried to co-ordinate our running goal with the fun-run calendar here in Melbourne but we couldn't find an event to suit our schedule and time frame for her goal, so we created our own; we did our own personal fun run.
The Agony, the Ecstasy, the Triumph and the Neighbours!
What I didn't tell Tonia was that her daughter had been in contact with me about the run; she wanted to organise a few members of her family to be at the finish line of our 'event' to cheer the uber-athlete over the line. I thought it was thoughtful and supportive of her daughter to organise a few people to be there to cheer the matriarch of the family home after all her hard work over the preceding months. So at eight o'clock on a Sunday morning in the middle of winter, the grandmother and I set off on our epic adventure (it's all relative); a five kilometre loop from her house. After easing into it for a kilometre or so, she slipped into a rhythm (of sorts) and ran like a champ. I won't say she ran the distance effortlessly but all things considered, she ran incredibly well; no stopping and no complaining. As we turned the last corner into her street, I could see a crowd gathered outside Tonia's house. She wasn't wearing her specs so she had no idea what lay ahead. It wasn't until we were about one hundred metres from the finish that she realised that more than fifty people(!) had gathered to celebrate her achievement and cheer her over the line. She crossed the line (the family had made a finishing line from some material) with tears in her eyes and joy on her face; she was crying, her kids were crying, her grand kids were crying and allegedly, I may have shed a tear. Keep it quiet. Nieces, nephews, friends and even neighbours had come out to cheer the considerably lighter, fitter, leaner and healthier Tonia home.
She trained with me for another six months or so and then moved on to do her own thing. And no, she didn't regain the weight. I saw her a few years ago and she was still remarkably fit, healthy and functional, even as a septuagenarian.
So What did the Young Trainer Learn from the Uncoordinated, Unathletic, Obese Grandmother?
1. Bodies can do amazing things when our mind doesn't get in the way.
2. 'Old' is more about our psychology than it is about our physiology.
3. When we find 'a way' rather than find an excuse, change can happen quickly.
4. Creating exceptional results comes from doing exceptional things; what most won't.
5. Success is not about how much potential we have; it's about how much we use.
Now, before anyone gets offended by the following article, I will point out (for those newer readers who may not know me so well) that it was written with my tongue firmly planted in my cheek. Having said that, you will also find plenty of insight, honesty and truth if you look past the sarcasm. Maybe a lesson or two. After you read it, you may want to print it off and pass it on to someone for whom it may be relevant. And then run away.
We Aussies are very good at obesity aren't we? Just take a look around. Yep, we've pretty much mastered the fat thing. Sure we have plenty of worthy competitors in the International Obesity Olympics, but we are rapidly climbing towards that gold medal position on that industrial strength medal podium. Go us. Sure our fat American and British friends have achieved some spectacular results with their own gigantic bodies, but when we Australians set our mind to something, watch out. We have the fastest growing rate of obesity of any country in the world. Who said we're not high-achievers? Or should I say, fat-achievers. Being that there are so many of us who seem determined to embrace obesity as a lifestyle option, and keeping in mind that I've spent decades working with the obese (including my fat self), I thought it might be appropriate for me to write an instructional of sorts for all those wanna-be fatties; the Fat Warriors. Okay, pens poised, learning caps on.
A Lesson in Obesity:
1. Start early. If you want to create a huge adult, it's important to start early by creating a huge kid. Bribing, rewarding and pacifying your children with food is always a very effective strategy for building a big, fat family. As much as possible, expose those little tackers to fast food early on so that an emotional connection is made before they can understand what's happening to their arteries. Eat at shopping centres as much as possible and get them addicted to sugar before their second birthday. Also ensure that they have pictures of Ronald McDonald in their room and that they celebrate every birthday at the Golden Arches.
2. Be paranoid and neurotic about your kids playing sport. We all know that exercise is a high-risk activity for children and as a rule, should be avoided. There's the ever-present danger of injury and of course, we wouldn't want to put our kids in harm's way; we all know how many kids die each day playing chasey in the school yard. Thousands. Fortunately for us, many Australian schools seem determined to drop sport from their curriculums in the near future so this should help the obesity cause along nicely. Keep in mind that every wanna-be fat kid should have a television and a computer in their bedroom, so as not to be tempted into some kind of physical activity by some of their thinner (wayward) friends. Of course things like skateboards and bikes are a definite no-no for the wanna-be fatty; far too dangerous and expend way too many calories.
3. Ignore the signals. Our body has an annoying ability to send us a message that says "hey, you've had enough food, stop eating now". What a pain in the ass that can be. When obesity is your mission, this signal can be something of an inconvenience. Fortunately for us, we have an over-ride switch in our brain and with discipline and focus we can flick that switch, ignore those physical signals and keep eating way more than we physically need. With training, we can learn to ignore those 'full' feelings with little or no effort. If you want to stand out in the obesity Olympics, then being able to eat through that mild discomfort is paramount. When you think you can't eat any more, stop for a second, remember your goal, visualise your fattest self, unbutton your pants and keep going. You can do it.
4. Don't use logic. Some of the do-gooder, anti-fat brigade will do their best to sabotage your obesity mission by trying to bring logic and common sense into the picture. Dirty tactics I say. They may even try to convince you that how you eat is destructive and will shorten your life span. Ignore their research, their stats and their alleged good intentions; they clearly don't understand the joy of food and they are simply trying to make your life miserable. As much as possible, turn the tables and criticise them for something. Preferably, a physical feature. Their nose perhaps. Be emotional, be reactive, turn nasty if you need to, but don't let yourself get involved in a logical discussion with them. That's how weight loss always starts. That's their plan to woo you away from obesity. It's evil. They're evil.
5. Preserve energy at all costs. Calorie expenditure is the natural enemy of the Fat Warrior. If you have to move, do it slowly and infrequently but keep in mind that your preferred positions are lying and sitting. Fortunately many Australians now spend between twenty two and twenty three hours per day in those two positions, so we're well on our way.
6. Lie. Telling the truth about your eating and exercise habits will only draw criticism and engage you in discussions that you don't want to have, so lying is always your best option. Not everyone will understand the mission of the Fat Warrior so you need to be cunning like a fox. A fat fox. Some of history's most successful people have been incredible liars. "I did not have sex with that woman." Honesty only gets in the way of potential. Avoid it. The totally committed and delusional liar will fib to everyone, even themselves.
7. Hypochondria. It's always a good idea for the Fat Warrior to create a fictitious medical condition or injury that will (1) genetically pre-dispose them to obesity - always great to be able to say it's a genetic thing, and (2) preclude them from any form of sport or physical activity; "I'd love to play tennis with you Sally but I ruptured my AdductorLongus muscle at speed skating practice last Tuesday." The professional hypochondriac should carry an asthma pump, a crutch, a sling, a neck brace and a medical dictionary in their bag of tricks.
8. Ignorance. Education is another notable adversary of the Fat Warrior. They don't say that ignorance is bliss for no reason. Fortunately, the current overload of obesity-related education seems to be having no impact whatsoever; we're still getting fatter by the day. Phew.
9. Join a gym but actually don't go. Eighty five percent of Aussies have mastered this skill. That's right; only fifteen percent of current gym members in Australia actually work out at the gym that they are a member of and many people actually see out less than six weeks of their twelve month membership! For the Fat Warrior it's always handy to be able to say "Yeah, I have a gym membership at....". Always have your gym membership card handy for proof.
10. Finger pointing. A True Fat Warrior must be an expert at avoiding responsibility and to be frank, making shit up (see point six). The only game they should typically play is the blame game and fortunately, that burns very few calories. However, it can get the most hard-core, goody-two-shoes, health freak off your back for at least a day or so. Two very important weapons in the Fat Warrior's arsenal are the excuse and the allegation. Always be ready to rationalise, justify, explain, deny and blame. And remember, your best defense is always attack.
Well, I hope that little slice of inspiration helps.
One way or another.
If you have any tips for getting fat and staying that way, feel free to add to the discussion or just click on the comment thingy and say hi.
Hello Groovers and Rock Stars (take your pick), hope you're having a great week and doing what most won't, to create what most won't. I apologise for the lack of articles this week but time in front of my computer has been kept to a minimum with lots of grown-up stuff like corporate gigs, RYL workshops, business meetings, radio and far too much car and plane travel. It's so tough being an adult. Sigh. No personal development down-load for you today but I thought I would share what's going on, or coming up, at me-dot-com.
Two-Day (live-in) Renovate Your Life Program...
After much discussion and a bunch of requests, the bald bloke and I have decided that we will run our first two-day RYL Program in the first half of next year... probably somewhere around March-April and probably at a coastal location here in Victoria. We will finalise the venue and dates in the next four weeks and post that information on the site as soon as we have it. The overwhelming feedback from our half day RYL program is that people want a much longer version. Well, two days is much longer. Although I have run many live-in programs over the years, I have never facilitated this particular program and I am very excited about it. Very. It will be a mix of the theoretical and the practical, and it will be inspirational, motivational, educational, confrontational and of course, big fun. It will also be life-changing... if you bring your best attitude. We will not be running the program from a five star resort because our goal is to make it affordable and accessible to as many people as possible. It will run from a Friday night to Sunday night and will be all-inclusive; meals, accommodation, program. Stay tuned.
My New Nutrition Bloke
I have a new man in my life. His name is Adam Sacks and he's my new Director of Nutrition. He's young, smart, passionate, annoyingly good looking and great at making the foodthing less confusing, more practical and more productive. So if you're sick of smashing your head against that nutritional brick wall, Adam might just be your go-to guy. You can see what he's all about by clicking on this link Nutrition Melbourne. Welcome aboard Pretty Boy.
Biological Age Testing
Want to know how 'old' your body is? For those of you based in Melbourne who would like to know how your biological age compares with your chronological age, we are now offering Biological Age Testing at my Brighton centre. You can find out more by clicking on this link Biological Age Testing - Melbourne.
Day in the Life of Me... Article.
It's on it's way. Sorry for the delay. I don't think my life is particularly interesting but some people do. I will be putting up a day-in-the-life post in the next week.
Melbourne RYL
...is happening this Sunday. This will be the last RYL Program run in Australia for the next six months (or so). So if you're interested and don't live in Iceland, you might wanna come along.
Lots of Speaking
Over the next four weeks I have about twenty speaking gigs, so excuse me if my writing output is down a little over the next month. October, November is a busy corporate conference time here in the Land Down Under. Yesterday I did a gig at Crown Casino in Melbourne for the good folk from ABMVSS. Three hundred people... and about two hundred and ninety of them were women; talk about estrogen overload! There was much laughing, a lot of silly-ness and a little learning. They were a great group. Today (writing this Tuesday night) I had a chat with the boys from Programmed Maintenance Services down there in the beautiful sleepy hollow of Red Hill. Unlike yesterday, there was a little more body-hair and way more testicles; the entire audience was blokes!
Live Webinars Series...
Mr Tech-head (Johnny) is currently working through all the tech and practical stuff to allow us to run a series of live webinars (no, I didn't make that name up) here on me-dot-com. We will be running the first series early next year. It will come in the form of ten, weekly, one-hour live teaching sessions facilitated by the ex-fat kid. It's all a little confusing for me (the tech stuff) but when it's sorted, I'll let you know how and when you can come to my classroom without even leaving your home. Such fun.
RYL DVD and CD (wow that's a lot of acronyms!)
We get many emails from people who are disappointed because (for a range of reasons) they couldn't make it to any of our RYL workshops around the country. Well, we are currently in the process of producing a DVD and CD series of RYL (filmed on our current tour). It takes a while to edit and produce but we should have it done and dusted early in the new year.
We all want to build a better version of us, don't we? That's why we come to (cyber) places like this; because we want to create the New and Improved... us. Do you ever close your eyes and picture what the new and improved you looks like, sounds like, thinks like, reacts like, communicates like, works like, lives like? In your mind's eye, do you have a clear image of your best life? Your best body? Best career? Best business? Best relationship? Best health? When you close your eyes and see the you, that you want to become, what is it that's different about future you? What's different about your best life compared with the one you're living right now? The sooner we start to make those things a reality inside our head, the sooner they will become a reality in our physical world. For the most part, external change is preceded by, or at the very least, accompanied by, internal change; a shift in our thinking, reasoning, processing, reacting, deciding.
Affirmations on the Mirror
It will come as no shock to my regular readers to learn that I've never really been the bloke who sticks the positive affirmations up on the mirror or recites the personal empowerment mantras every morning; "I am powerful, I am successful, I am a winner". Nope, not me. Nothing wrong with the practice of course... but it's just not me. Neither have I been the one to sit cross-legged and meditate on the edge of a cliff in a kaftan and I've never really been patient enough to spend an hour each day visualising peaceful, calm, happy, fulfilled, successful Craig. While I was never opposed to the whole affirmation, meditation, visualisation vibe, it was just never an area of personal growth that I gravitated towards or really explored.
Or so I thought.
I Have a Process?
The other day someone asked me how I practically turn my dreams, ideas and intentions into realities; what my process was. My process? Hmm, do I even have a process for transforming the theoretical into the practical; the thought into the thing? When I actually sat down to figure out how I have managed to turn my internal theories, ideas and dreams into external, physical, living, breathing realities in my three-dimensional world, I realised that in my own way I have actually been affirming, meditating and visualising for years; perhaps not in the way most people would expect, but I had been doing it nonetheless. Craig the visualiser... weird.
Craig the Meditation Dude... weirder.
Starting Early
Since I was young I have always had an ability to see myself doing something before it became a literal, practical reality in my physical world. Even as a little fat kid I was always dreaming, planning, thinking and creating new realities and outcomes in my head; kind of like visualisation. Okay, exactly like visualisation. And I don't just mean childish day-dreaming, I mean mentally picturing, planning and preparing for positive change. Even before I had any awareness or understanding of behavioural psychology or personal development, I was already creating a better version of me in my teenage head. Before I lost 30 kgs (66 lbs) and before I had been remotely fit, I had actually seen my athletic self thousands of times in my mind. The interesting thing was that the physical leaner, lighter me looked exactly like the theoreticalme I had seen in my head.
Living in Our Head
You've heard me say many times that we inhabit a physical three-dimensional world but we do most of our living in our head; our non-physical world. In many ways our internal world is more real than our external world because it affects us more; it determines what we do, say, think and create. To a large extent what we create in our head, will also be manifested in our physical world. If there's internal chaos (between our ears), then there will be external chaos in our physical world; our body, our job, our finances, our relationships.
The Truth. Kind of.
When people ask, I always tell them that I opened my first commercial Personal Training centre (the first one in Australia) in 1990. And that's true. Kind of. Truth as we understand it anyway. But my truth is that I actually opened my first centre in 1987, 1988 and 1989. You see, by the time I opened the physical business, Harper's (my company) had already been operating in my head for three years. By the time the physical doors opened, I knew exactly what every square inch of that place would look like; colors, equipment, furniture, layout, carpet, mirrors, sound system, TVs, offices, signage, change rooms, uniforms... all of it. That business had become so real in my head, that turning the theoretical into the practical was a relatively easy transition, even for the first-time business owner. I had lived in that place for so long that bringing it out of my head was a natural progression. By the time I trained my first client in that place, I was an old hand because I had trained hundreds of clients in my internal gym.
The Dream Becomes a Reality
For most of us, the visualisation journey starts with a thought, an idea or a dream. And when we take that thought, idea or dream, inject it with some excitement, enthusiasm and passion, and then wrap it up in some logic, strategy and planning, the visualisation process has begun. For some people, visualisation is merely picturing themselves at the finish line; where they want to be eventually. For me it has always been mentally going through the entire process from start to finish; doing it all in my head first. I visualise myself doing everything that I need to do, to make that dream a reality.
As Napoleon Hill said, "if you can conceive it, you can achieve it."
If you're struggling to create amazing results in your (physical) world, then perhaps you should create them in your head first... works for me.
So apparently I'm human and need sleep after all. Who'da thought? I intended to write an article last night but my mind and my body were in disagreement. My eyelids had other plans. We had fun with our RYL group in Sydney yesterday and next weekend we will wrap up our national tour with our last workshop here in Melbourne.
For the second week in a row, I was on a plane where a bloke refused to get off his phone when asked by the flight crew. We were about one minute from take-off when the rocket scientist two rows in front of Johnny and I decided that he should be the exception to the no phone rule - the exact same thing happened to me flying out of Darwin last week. The passenger (dickhead) was quite adamant (aggressive, rude, obnoxious) that his phone would not interfere with the electronics of the plane and he refused to comply with the requests of the staff. He then proceeded to delight us all (including the kids) with some of his most colorful language. Moron. So for the second week in a row, the plane was stopped, turned around and taken back to the terminal for the dickhead to be escorted away by the cops. And just like last time, all three hundred(ish) of us passengers had to spend an hour on the runway waiting for the ground crew to retrieve the idiot's bag and to then taxi back out for take-off. I don't really understand the logic that says "let's delay three hundred people for another thirty minutes, while we find one idiot's luggage." Who made that the rule? When I'm the boss of the world, I'll change that. Perhaps inconvenience one rude idiot (by not retrieving his bag) instead of three hundred compliant passengers... just a thought Virgin Blue.
So, sorry to leave you article-less for the start of the week; you'll have to get motivated all by yourselves today! Enjoy your Monday Groovers, be the change, do something spectacular and I'll be back tomorrow to share the love....
G'day Kids. So this study on beliefs has turned into something of an epic. Let's look at a snapshot of what we've covered so far in parts one and two...
1. We're all largely driven, motivated, limited, empowered and controlled by our beliefs; this can be both good and bad. 2. We have positive, negative and incidental beliefs.
3. Beliefs typically form over a long period of time. From the day we are born that computer on top of our shoulders is being programmed.
4. They often develop with no real effort, input or awareness on our part. We rarely make conscious decisions about them; they take root in spite of us.
5. They are the result of our influences and our experiences.
6. We know that in certain situations and circumstances (home, work, clubs, church, politics), there exists a level of pressure to align our beliefs and thinking with the majority in order to be accepted, valued and respected as part of that group.
7. Having different beliefs to the majority (in your immediate world), or changing your beliefs won't always be well received. In fact, it will often be resisted and strongly discouraged.
8. Quite often we adopt the beliefs of others. We grow into the thinking of our parents, teachers, preachers, bosses. We don't explore or discover our own truth, we simply make theirs.. ours.
9. I like the idea of being part of a group where identical beliefs and consensual thinking is not a pre-requisite for membership. Or acceptance. Or respect. That kind of group appeals to me.
10. We should re-examine, question and test our beliefs to determine whether they empower us or limit us.
11. Just because you've believed something for a long time doesn't mean it's right; it just means you've believed it for a long time!
12. We have an emotional attachment to some beliefs and the thought of letting go of them scares the crap out of us. But sometimes it's in the letting go that we have our eyes opened.
13. In an effort to align our beliefs, thinking and behaviour with the group, we often lose US. We lose our own identity and individuality, waste our potential and live a life of frustration, compromise and under-achievement. We don't become the best US we can, we become what is expected of us; we succumb to the enormity of conformity.
So the smart plan would be to keep the positive beliefs and lose the bad ones.
The time to consider change is when we realise that a particular belief is having some kind of negative impact on our life; our potential, our productivity, our relationships, our possibilities, our career, our family, our physical, mental and emotional health. Changing beliefs is easier said that done, keeping in mind that we are emotional beings who have been thinking, doing and believing a certain way for a very long time. The good news is that change is very possible if we're serious about the process and we're prepared to do the work.
So how do we change our beliefs?
1. De-emotionalise the process. The greater the level of emotional investment we have in a certain belief, the more likely we are to be irrational, defensive and even protective of that belief, no matter how much of a negative it has been in our life. The challenge comes in being brave enough to open our mind and expand our thinking to the possibility that some of our long-held beliefs may be wr..wr...wr...ong! Scary I know. Deep breaths, you'll be okay. A good question to ask ourselves is "what do I believe?", but the better question is "why do I believe that?" When we discover the 'why' then we will find it easier to change the 'what'.
2. Do what scares you(of course we need to wrap some logic and common sense around this piece of advice; I'm not suggesting we throw ourselves of a cliff because we're scared of heights). Working through challenges that force us to confront and deal with our fears is one of the most effective ways to change the way we think, believe, behave and produce in our world. Most of our limiting beliefs are about US (what we can, can't, should, shouldn't do, be, create, achieve), so when we confront, rather than avoid the things that scare us, we typically experience an instant shift in our thinking. When you do something that you believed wasn't possible for you (running a marathon, holding a snake, completing some study, standing up for yourself, speaking in public), not only do you experience a shift in your thinking about that particular achievement, but you also start to question other self-imposed limitations. "Wow, if I can do that, what else can I do?" When people run their first marathon, the biggest shift is usually in their psychology not their physiology. It's like they open a door to a world of possibilities. That potential (to do amazing) was always there but it took an experience (facing and overcoming a fear) to open that mental and emotional door which had been locked shut for far too long.
3. Hang out with different people. Hang out with negative, paranoid, miserable, fearful, excuse-making, under-achievers... and pretty soon you'll be just like them! Who we hang out with doesn't determine who we become but it sure does influence us. As much as possible, spend time with people who you admire, respect and trust; people who will empower you, not handicap you.
4. Expose yourself to different environments, cultures, ideas, thinking. Some of us have lived in our little boxes for so long that we think the world starts and finishes at our doorstep. Spend time talking to people you would normally avoid or people you might consider yourself to have nothing in common with. They will teach you something. Travel, explore, see different things, do different things. Occasionally expose yourself to things that are 'not you'. Consciously and proactively set yourself to learn new things. I recently had a conversation with someone who was being very critical of a particular religious group that exists here in Australia (and many other countries). When I asked him which parts of their theology, philosophy and doctrine he disagreed with, he looked at me blankly. The truth was he that he was criticising something that he knew nothing about. He'd never read any of their religious texts, never had a (meaningful) conversation with anyone of that faith, never been to a service and never even considered that the group he was criticising could possibly teach him anything or be a 'viable' (for want of a better term) religious option. After a little probing, I learned that he had simply adopted his ignorant, arrogant beliefs from his equally uneducated, opinionated and intolerant father.
5. Think for yourself. Stop trying to fit in, and start being you. Don't be a sheep. Question the way you think, behave and believe right now. Explore where those beliefs came from and identify them as a positive or negative in your life. Don't adopt someone else's beliefs because you like that person, make those beliefs your own when you've questioned them, explored them, tested them and discovered them to be true.
6. Work hard to over-ride your default setting. Sometimes there's a tendency for us to feel (yep, it's an emotional thing) that our old, destructive beliefs are somehow more real than the new ones we're trying to install into our hard-drive. Yep, it's only a feeling but it can become a reality when we let it happen. If you're like most people then you will have regular battles between emotionalyou - the one with the unhealthy emotional attachment to those old beliefs, behaviours and habits - and logicalyou - the one who understands what you can do and become and is prepared to do what's necessary. Replacing your old destructive beliefs with new empowering ones will be an on-going (life-long) process. This means being more aware and conscious of your beliefs and how they impact on you in the moment. Right now. Not in theory but in practice. Sometimes that will mean consciously over-riding an urge to conform to a pre-existing belief (way of thinking, doing, being, reacting, communicating), in order to create better results in your world. And as always, in order to create different, you need to do different.
Now, all you need to do is take this theory... and apply it. See you Sydney-Siders this Sunday at RYL... yippeee!!!
So my article about the four-legged Ugg boot seemed to push a few buttons and generate plenty of discussion, feedback and advice for the Blogger. While it was meant to be a silly, fun piece of literary fluff and a momentary distraction from the importantbusiness of personal development, it proved to be something more. Some of you seem to revel in my pain, discomfort, sleep deprivation and learning. And of course, my joy.
So Craig, How's Marly?
For the those of you who don't know about the moulting, shitting, barking, licking, drooling beast that's staying at my house for two weeks, you can learn more about her here. I didn't actually intend to write about Marly again but I have had many emails and countless enquiries from people at my workshops and at the gym about my hairy house-guest. In Queensland last Sunday I had a constant stream of questions about who was minding her while I was away, and how she's enjoying her time at the House of Harper.
What Carpet?
You'll be amused to learn that my house now looks like some kind of war zone, is an inch deep in hair, smells like a big wet dog and has probably plummeted in value by twenty five percent in the last week and a half. Here's what (temporary) dog ownership has taught me so far:
1. A Golden Retriever will halve your productivity but double your happiness.
2. Worrying about the hair doesn't get rid of it. 3. Apparently 5.30am is the ideal time for tug-of-war with the stinky rope.
4. The previously-mentioned 4am wee is clockwork.
5. The vacuum is the natural enemy of the Golden Retriever.
6. Dogs can go from being in a coma to barking uncontrollably (and scaring the shit out of an unsuspecting blogger) in 0.07 seconds.
7. If it's edible or looks edible, it will be eaten.
8.That whole crapping thing? It doesn't stop. It's alright though because I've identified the problem; food. She's now eaten her last meal.That should do it.
9. Never try to pat a dog while wearing a motorcycle helmet.
10. I could be a Golden Retriever except for the ass-sniffing thing.
Right, we're off to the special dog park. To see the ugly dogs.
See you next time with the conclusion to my series on Beliefs.
