Today’s post is not so much a personal development ‘lesson’ as it is a discussion and exploration into how blokes and chicks are wired; a look at something which interests me. As always, I don’t have all the answers but I do have plenty of questions and thoughts. Being as I’m not a female (mostly), I may be completely off track… so feel free to enlighten me girls.
As a scientist, personal development bloke and fascinated observer of people, I love to see what people do (and don’t do) and then try to figure why they do (or don’t do) whatever it is that they’re doing. Or not doing. As the case may be. Or not be. If you know what I mean. Hey, don’t you complain… I’m confused and I’m writing it!
Anyway, there’s two interesting observations I’ve made lately.
Observation 1
In most of my open-to-the-public workshops (as opposed to my corporate gigs) the vast majority of my audience is typically women. The weekend just past we ran our Melbourne RYL program (photos up soon) and over eighty percent of the attendees were of the more attractive and sweeter smelling gender. A couple of weeks ago I gave an open-to-the-public keynote presentation (health, fitness, lifestyle, psychology stuff) in a large fitness centre here in Melbourne and nearly ninety percent(!) of the audience were women. These kinds of percentages are pretty common for my presentations. Now, if I was a young, good-looking, stud-muffin with a six-pack and a severe case of Brad-Pitt-itis that might give us some insight into the skewed numbers, but clearly I’m not, and clearly, people are coming along for the information, the motivation and the education. Even when I do a presentation where many of the people in the audience don’t really know who I am, we still have a much higher percentage of women book in and attend.
Observation 2
The vast majority of commentors on this site are women. While it varies a little from article to article, the ratio of female to male contributors is quite amazing. Recently I took a stroll through some of my past posts and the percentage of female commentors is regularly up around the ninety percent mark.
So the obvious question is, “why does this happen and what does it tell us?”
You’re right; that’s actually two questions.
Well, I’m not really sure but I’ll throw around a few possibilities…
1. All the men are out hunting.
2. Only a very small percentage of men can read and write.
3. What I write or speak about isn’t applicable to the males of the species.
4. I’m not manly enough to connect with the blokes.
5. Women need more help than men.
6. I don’t write enough articles about monster trucks or cage fighting.
Naaah, probably not.
Perhaps…
1. A higher percentage of blokes (higher than ten percent that is) actually read my stuff but they are not as comfortable to comment as the ladies.
2. Growing up, blokes are not ‘trained’ to talk about relationships, feelings, emotions, fears, weaknesses, problems.. etc.
3. Perhaps some guys consider having a need for ‘personal development’ to be a sign of weakness (which would make me… pathetic).
4. Blokes don’t have the same level of emotional intelligence or awareness as the girls. Or maybe they just don’t show it.
Or possibly…
1. Women are simply more aware and more in touch with their emotional selves.
2. Women are more prepared to admit (and deal with) flaws, weaknesses and destructive habits and behaviours.
3. Women are more proactive (about creating positive change) while blokes are more reactive – they wait for the catastrophe to happen and then slip into their Superman outfit.
4. One of my (female) staff suggested that women ’search’ more because overall they’re not as happy as men. Don’t yell at me – a woman told me that.
Maybe…
1. The way I communicate resonates more with women.
2. Perhaps the site needs less photos of sunsets and more images of blokes and their power tools.
3. Women just like talking.
A final thought…
Maybe some of us alpha-male-warriors need to climb down from the security of our monster trucks and go and see Sex and the City tonight.
Or perhaps give another bloke a hug.
Help a confused male out; let me know your thoughts on this perplexing issue.
I’m off to hunt.
Er, I mean do Yoga.
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Hi Craig,
Long time reader, first time poster.
I reckon you’re right, most men can’t read or write or if they can they are probably in a chat room somewhere pretending to be a teenage girl.
Keep smiling,
Jo
Hi BY – more interesting thoughts and insights into the fairer sex – thanks…
Hi Jo – welcome.
Harsh but funny comment…
Thanks for stopping by – do it again!
Maybe the guys are out there just gettin’ it done while the girls are sitting around talking about it, thinking about it, wanting it, but not actually doing it
I’ve had a lot of experience with body transformation/weight loss and I say the above because I have found that women in general, love to talk about ‘what they are gonna do’ – but a lot of the time, in 12 months, they are still sitting around talking about it, without actually having done it. This probably goes for blokes too, but, as you say Craig, there’s a lot of women talking about it and analyzing it. But, I know there are those that actually DO IT too
Hi People
Perhaps women, being the more nurturing of the two, attends these workshops and self help seminars with the subconcious intention of sharing her new found knowledge with everyone she knows and cares about. She is making good use of her time and money as she is attending on behalf of possibly 10 to 15 family members and close friends. While (some) blokes may see it as self indulgent and therefore unnecessary?
Craig I think your info is good for all of us, male and female. But I think “M” made the most sense, most guys aren’t going to expose their need for input in this area,and are too busy solving the world’s problems.
Perhaps there’s not enough pictures of over sized biceps (on males) and hairless bronzed, breast enhanced chicky babes plastered all over your site.(tongue in cheek here).
I make a point of reading/sharing some of your stuff with my husband,which he likes- but he already thinks he’s an expert,(and maybe he is- he is a very fit man). I would hope that if he was an overweight couch potato he wouldn’t have the same attitude, but maybe he would?
I think you have no choice but to accept the fact that you are a bit of a “ladies man”, and that it is maybe a “gift”.
And yes- women ARE a bit better at confronting and working on their stuff than men are!
Craig oh Craig,
Do you really think the woman come to your seminars for your wise words? All this personal development and you still can’t see yourself clearly – well the woman can and I am sure they are not disappointed !!!
Hi Sue – thanks for dropping by and sharing – you’ve got lots of experience with this stuff – so I value your thoughts… ( )
Hi Jaine – yep, there’s another perspective… thanks!
Hi Briar – I agree with nearly everything you said
LOL..
Thanks for adding your thoughts
Cheers… ( )
Hi Anon – I don’t really know what to say.
That’s a first.
Whatever way I respond to your suggestion I’ll get shot down by someone – so I’ll just say – thanks for the nice words.
I don’t know about your country, but in the USA, the common opinion is that if they are driving and are lost, women will stop and ask for directions and men won’t.
I also think that women in general tend to go deeper in what they will talk about. Women get into all sorts of issues and are both willing to share their joys and willing to listen and help others. Men seem to talk about sports and cars (and maybe politics).
This doesn’t answer “why”, but it does seem that the sexes are consistant.
Thanks for adding to the discussion Lee….
Cheers
I’m with Anon. They come for you Craig….or is it the promise of cheesecake.
Michelle
hey Craig
I’m 24 years old male. I like the motivation you give and plainly to be honest I keep reading because you’re the type of guy I kind of look up to. There I said it. I know I don’t know it all. Most times I just feed from the articles off to to another task, no post, just feed and gather the perspective.
Hey Craig,
Pleased to meet you – a friend sent me your link. The answer to your musings is simple. Blokes don’t attend your stuff for the same reason they won’t ask for directions – asking for help would be seen (in their eyes) as unmanly.
For the same reason, blokes with HUGE relationship issues won’t attend counselling (sometimes they do- after the horse has bolted, run in the Kentucky Derby, flown home with the trophy, been put out to stud, and retired to live out its days munching pasture and making manure). It’s about time blokes realized their Dad’s role-modelling just doesn’t cut it anymore. The female of the species is evolving, finding inner peace by being the best person she can be. How long is she going to be satisfied with the go-getter on the couch exerting his personal power over the remote control?? Blokes WILL turn on to personal development in time…..or become extinct! We in the personal development industry have a lot to look forward to – helping blokes realize what they’ve been missing all these years with their blinkers on. The blokes themselves have the most to look forward to – getting in touch with who they really are – sensitivities and all – and being loved and accepted as is. Bring it!!
These are my personal observations:
Men and different from women. If you need further proof, 1) find someone wearing either a kilt or a skirt. 2) lift said kilt or skirt. 3) Observe whether the underwear has that useless flap that men’s underwear have. 4) If you didn’t have permission for step two, dodge the punch and/or kick.
I’m not saying that the differences between people posting are purely biological… Personally, I think it has more to do with whether a person’s underwear has that flap or not, than how the brain is wired. Even though testosterone is a powerful hormone, blokes like me, who don’t get shots, have had all their lives to get used to it, so it’s not an excuse.
Here in the Land of the (increasingly not-so) Free, boys are taught to swallow their feelings, and if they have a problem, just fix it. Girls are taught to understand their feelings, and if they have a problem, then manage it. We’re not born knowing how to fix or manage problems, and puberty is a series of hormone changes, not a mystical key for knowledge and skills locked away in our genetic code. (Talents are genetic, not skills… I can be genetically disposed to running fast, but unless I develop my talent of running into a skill, then the genes mean nothing.)
So, our problem solving skills have to be taught, and our parents are the first ones to teach us. No matter how fair and equal each parent tries to be, we’re working against our own upbringings if we’re trying to teach our children how to work through their problems using both fixing and managing styles.
Then comes the next big teacher: Our kids head off to school. The most influential person there? Not the teacher him/herself, but our peers. Armed with the prejudices of our parents, each of us as children went out into the early years of school and systematically strove to make everybody else just like us… At least, we did that with the people who looked like us.
So, what’s under the skirt/kilt matters more than what’s in the brain, when it comes to forming our problem solving skills. Of course, the brain still has a say in what the body does, and it’s possible to learn different skills, but the underlying habits and paradigms are set by society.
Back to the skills themselves:
Fixing vs Managing… When a guy has a problem, we fix it. If we can’t fix it, we fix something else, and wait for that problem to be fixed. Obviously not the best strategy, but if we examine the root from which society taught men their problem solving skills, i.e., hunting, it makes sense. If we can’t kill an animal, we’ll go and kill another one.
When women have problems, they manage it… Back to the root of society, when women would wait for guys to bring back food, they’d have to deal with the wounded, sick, young, and each other, so they learned to communicate effectively, delegate responsibility, and set up an elaborate pecking order based on appearances. Again, not the most efficient style of problem solving, because things don’t get fixed, just managed.
When the guys get home with a fresh carcass on their backs and a bag full of fruits and berries, the women share their feelings, the guys mistake the venting for asking for things to be fixed, so fix them, get frustrated (and hungry) and go off to kill something else. The system worked wonderfully, because the things that needed to be fixed got fixed, and the things that needed to be managed got managed.
Then we learned agriculture, and it all went downhill from there.
Please note: There is no beginning to the following cycle, I just picked the part that I had the hardest part understanding as the first part.
So today, women vent to their men, men mistake the venting for asking for things to be fixed, and get frustrated. Men fix as much as they can, and yearn to go hunt, but since they’re now tied to desks and come home each day, there’s nowhere to escape to, so they escape into themselves. Women see that escape as shutting down completely, which worries them immensely (after all, the only reason to shut down is because you’re mad at the person you’re shut off towards, right women?). The woman now tries to get the guy to un-escape, driving the guy further away. Then, when the guy is finally able to look at the world outside of himself, his woman in now free to vent again… But again, the guy mistakes the venting for asking for things to get fixed, which just repeats the cycle again.
It’s nobody’s fault… or rather, each person is equally to blame.
The solution: Guys, don’t fix everything. Listening _is_ fixing, in this case.
Gals, don’t draw men out of their silence. Guys don’t vent under pressure.
And here’s a handy translation for when you ask “What’s wrong?” and your significant other says “Nothing.”
Woman saying “Nothing:” I want you to really listen to what is wrong, so I’m making you pay attention by making you ask more questions to draw out what is wrong.
Man saying “Nothing:” I have a problem, but I can fix it myself given time. If you keep pestering me about it, I will feel worthless, so please give me time to deal with this on my own.
Just imagine the confusion that has been caused by these two completely different definitions of “Nothing.”
And sometimes, it really is nothing.
Wow, I sure got off on a tangent.
Thanks Michelle…
Hey Miguel… thanks for the kind words.
Cheers.
Hi Jacqueline – nice to meet you too! Thanks for dropping by and thanks for sharing yuor thoughts…
Peace.
Hey Adam – you’ve just won comment of the year award! I love your thoughts and ideas and I love the way you write – well done and thanks for taking the considerable time.
Cheers…
Hey Craig:
This was a funny one – I love your sense of humor. I’ve actually wondered about the male versus female thing.
Most of my gigs are corporate so they are a mixture of men and women, with about them being half and half.
But I did notice that most of the people who comment at my blog are women. In fact some of my strongest, most vocal supporters have been woman.
I even had a woman who calls herself one of my “fans” create a “Stephen Hopson Fanclub” at Facebook! Go figure. What do you make of THAT?
Great writing – I smiled all the way through. I’d love to see what happens if you decided to slather one post with pictures of monster trucks and dirt bikes. See if that would draw out the macho men.
Hi Stephen – you have a fan club!?
You Rock Star!
Stay tuned for the macho pictures…
Hi Craig,
I just don’t think guys are big readers in general. Maybe adding an audible part to your post would get more men on board??
Sharon
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